Sho_Nuff82
Member
This is true. I've never had a gf who played videogames with me. Certainly not a dealbreaker by itself.
-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
There is no "right way" to break up after a long-term relationship, is there?
- Thread starter Sho_Nuff82
- Start date
- Status
This is true. I've never had a gf who played videogames with me. Certainly not a dealbreaker by itself.
Vigilant Walrus
Member
As someone who just got out of a relationship with one, and who shared all my boy interests, from martial arts, to travelling to gore flicks and heavy metal concerts, - We're basically perfect for each other in that area.
But what I've learned during out relationship is that being so much alike is not always a blessing. We have the same strengths and the same weaknesses, and we sort of went into this grind because we were so alike.
Think about it. You're so identical it's almost like dating yourself, and there is little to feed yourself from in your partner, because you're enabling each other. nobody fixes the problems because we both have the same problems. When you are two different people you have different strengths and can feed of each other that way.
With that being said, gaming with your girlfriend is amazing. But it's not so much the gaming, as just truly enjoying something together on an equal level. That's what it is. That's what makes it feel like harmony.
SlipperyMoose
Member
Yeah I read your entire original post and by the way you're describing things it sounds out like you're honestly not happy and have little to nothing in common with this girl other than the fact you have been with her a long time. All the things your thinking about that worry you like others judging you, the lease, valentines day, family, etc. really are going to be hard to swallow for a awhile and may be tough figuring it out, but you shouldn't stay with someone for the sake of other people or otherwise you will be miserable for the rest of your life.
If at the end of the day your gut feeling tells you that this isn't meant to be you best suck it up and do what you need to do for you.
Just be sure to really think about things before you do them. Don't be impulsive.
Good luck.
If at the end of the day your gut feeling tells you that this isn't meant to be you best suck it up and do what you need to do for you.
Just be sure to really think about things before you do them. Don't be impulsive.
Good luck.
Jaffaboy
Member
The fact that you've not met anyone else and you feel the way you feel means break up.
There's never a good time to break up with someone. I broke up with my girl on Christmas Eve, you can't get more cuntish than that, but at the time it had to be done. We're back together now but that's a long story for another time. Also:
No. No. No. You get married when YOU want to get married. You have kids when YOU want to have kids. Don't do these things if you don't want to, you do actually have a choice. Don't do them to please others, or out of obligation or embarrassment.
There's never a good time to break up with someone. I broke up with my girl on Christmas Eve, you can't get more cuntish than that, but at the time it had to be done. We're back together now but that's a long story for another time. Also:
OP said:
No. No. No. You get married when YOU want to get married. You have kids when YOU want to have kids. Don't do these things if you don't want to, you do actually have a choice. Don't do them to please others, or out of obligation or embarrassment.
I went through something where I didn't have the chance to get this perspective man. Reading your post and your tone indicates that you really are through with the relationship. Seize the clarity and for the good of you both, end it before it becomes even harder to let go.
That's respecting your love and the great memories shared, as I see it.
Good luck man. May it work out well for both of you moving forward.
That's respecting your love and the great memories shared, as I see it.
Good luck man. May it work out well for both of you moving forward.
reddmyst
Member
Venting is great for sure.
A lot of people already have said to get out of the relationship; I agree.
Using sex as a weapon? Among other things that you've mentioned, sounds like emotional abuse to me.
Both parties would need to work together, but in order for that to happen...you'd have to communicate it.
Communication (really) is key. You need to be honest to her. From what it sounds like, she sounds emotionally unstable and doesn't know how to be content with what she has.
You gotta stop walking on eggshells.
IF it is the end, then so be it. You'll be able to be yourself without having to accommodate to anyone who can't seem to accept who you are and what you do. It also sounds like you've scarified a lot more than what she has done, and is that fair? I don't believe you'd think so.
Talk to your mom and godmother, maybe they can help you afterwards so you can get back on your feet. In my opinion, your happiness is much more important to your mother and godmother than having kids at this point.
Happiness will be found again, once you've let go of the things/people that keep you down.
A lot of people already have said to get out of the relationship; I agree.
Using sex as a weapon? Among other things that you've mentioned, sounds like emotional abuse to me.
Both parties would need to work together, but in order for that to happen...you'd have to communicate it.
Communication (really) is key. You need to be honest to her. From what it sounds like, she sounds emotionally unstable and doesn't know how to be content with what she has.
You gotta stop walking on eggshells.
IF it is the end, then so be it. You'll be able to be yourself without having to accommodate to anyone who can't seem to accept who you are and what you do. It also sounds like you've scarified a lot more than what she has done, and is that fair? I don't believe you'd think so.
Talk to your mom and godmother, maybe they can help you afterwards so you can get back on your feet. In my opinion, your happiness is much more important to your mother and godmother than having kids at this point.
Happiness will be found again, once you've let go of the things/people that keep you down.
Its more than that. We don't watch the same TV, we don't watch the same movies. I find it difficult to find things we both love to do, it ends up being a compromise most of the time.
Not that there aren't things we both like, there definitely are... I just wish I could take her to a sweet concert, or to a movie I really want to see, or to watch a tv show I want to watch with her. I've managed to convert her on things like Always Sunny and Breaking Bad, but its difficult.
Sorry to read this, dude. I had the same kind of trouble with my ex (though we separated for entirely different reasons). It's not an easy thing to work with, I feel for you. Don't have much advice for you unfortunately
Do you compromise on what she wants to do? If it's all one way traffic then yeh I can understand your problem. I'll admit I don't compromise as much as I should but I try. My girlfriend is way better at it than I am. I've dragged her to every marvel movie, a few lotr movies(which she despises) and even a daft punk concert(she loved it though). It's just give and take man.
Vicetrailia
Member
The relationship is over from OPs perspective, he doesn't want her.
You actually do know what you want, so go do it! Easier said than done right, but you can start throwing your weight around via communication. Start complaining and voicing our displeasure even more. Every time. Also you should tell her that you do not envision getting married to her, nevertheless having kids. Then you can talk it out more. I personally don't see it working out.
You actually do know what you want, so go do it! Easier said than done right, but you can start throwing your weight around via communication. Start complaining and voicing our displeasure even more. Every time. Also you should tell her that you do not envision getting married to her, nevertheless having kids. Then you can talk it out more. I personally don't see it working out.
GraveHorizon
poop meter feature creep
What if somebody deduced OP's identity, found his girlfriend's Facebook, and sent her a link to his post?
Why is there not a member who tries that kind of thing every time a relationship complaint thread pops up?
Why is there not a member who tries that kind of thing every time a relationship complaint thread pops up?
Because that's super creepy and fucked up? Why would you even need to ask that?
Although I guess the threat of getting your account banned probably works better on the kind of people who would consider doing it.
Man, your analysis of the OPs situation is fantastic. Are you a psychologist or something?. Commendable at the least. +1 man.
OP, man, best of luck to you dealing with all you described. But feeling so unhappy in a relationship is something nobody deserves. Hope everything works out all right for you.
Stiflers Mom
Banned
I broke up with my ex after 4 years. I was still in love with her when I did too. Things weren't even THAT bad. I just knew it wasn't right long term. I ended it face to face. I literally just told her that I didn't want this anymore. I mentioned a few of the things I had had issues with, but generally just told her that was it. It was hard as FUCK and she didn't take it the best, which is understandable.
But we're both married to different people now so it's worked out for the better. It was very very very hard breaking up with someone you're still madly in love with, so I'd imagine it should be much easier for you.
Your parents shouldn't be a factor. They're your parents. They should support you no matter what.
But we're both married to different people now so it's worked out for the better. It was very very very hard breaking up with someone you're still madly in love with, so I'd imagine it should be much easier for you.
Your parents shouldn't be a factor. They're your parents. They should support you no matter what.
You already know what to do OP...
I'm not saying GAF is right here but in order to get your relationship back on track you'd need a total reset on top of both of you making huge compromises to make each other happy.
That's a whole load of change for an already established relationship.
I don't know what to tell you with regards to withholding sex or scolding you for visiting family in another place or holding you to ransom to propose but that's not what a loving partner does...it's what someone who is using you does.
I'm not saying GAF is right here but in order to get your relationship back on track you'd need a total reset on top of both of you making huge compromises to make each other happy.
That's a whole load of change for an already established relationship.
I don't know what to tell you with regards to withholding sex or scolding you for visiting family in another place or holding you to ransom to propose but that's not what a loving partner does...it's what someone who is using you does.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Finding my identity really isn't that hard. Why would someone go through all that trouble when I'm looking for ways to resolve the situation as soon as possible though? They'd be hurting her more than hurting me.
POWERSPHERE
Banned
I once stood up off my girlfriends couch, threw my hands up, said 'I can't do this anymore' and walked out. Power move of a sad man. That felt good.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
Now is a really good time to deal with it, then. Worse than yesterday, but better than tomorrow.
EarsOfASnake
Member
As a few people have said it's worth having a talk with her about your concerns, if they are solvable then you can work on that. They might not be but you'll know you put everything out there and tried. Really, if you can't talk about all the issues you have now then it probably doesn't bode well for any bigger discussions down the road (marriage etc) Communication people, it's a killer! Best of luck OP.
Have to echo this. A lot of people are looking for their hobby clone. There's other ways personalities can compliment each other.
Enjoy your alone/friend time and enjoy your SO time. My wife and I don't watch tv together and barely watch any movies together. Were both pretty independent people though, especially since we have completely opposite work schedules and don't become a mess when we don't see each other for 4-5 days straight.
This is a tough one, from my experience, it doesn't really matter if you like the same things or not. Do you think if you liked the same tv shows and music that it would fix most of the problems you are having? Probably not....I had a girlfriend that shared my love of reading, liked the same music and enjoyed the same movies. In the end, it didn't really make a difference.
My current girlfriend and I live together. We don't really enjoy the same tv shows, differ on a lot of movies and differ greatly on music choice. We have a good foundation though, I just generally enjoy her company and find her to be reasonable and usually pretty thoughtful.
It really is more about how you interact and how the other person interacts with you. Hobbies and all of that stuff is just fluff, it really doesn't matter much. I think you may just be missing a decent friend circle to go see those movies or shows with. I have a group of friends that typically want to see the same movies as me and I find that is enough to keep me happy. If you don't have people to enjoy this stuff with, it can lead to dissapointment.
Also, consider how much resentment you have right now. Its just seething in your initial OP. Its very clear that you haven't told her about the things that are bothering you...and if you did, you would probably find out that she had a lot of the same feelings that you do.
1. If you really do want the relationship to be over, just get it over with.
2. If you do love her and would be happier if both of you changed, have a conversation that starts with kindness and understanding. Then open it up a bit and start explaining how you feel, ask how she feels and then see if there is room for compromise.
It sounds like you have already been through several "talks" together and that helps for the short term, then you're right back to problems. If that is the case, fuck it, its over.
The Artful Dodger
Member
Just a pull a "Eagles are turning people into horses" scenario. It's the only way to break it off.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
As I said above, we've had previous talks where we aired our grievances. To borrow a hackneyed expression, I'm of the opinion that someone who wants you for who you are 20% of the time, doesn't really want you. And that someone who changes who they are just to make you happy, may resent you for it. I'm not so oblivious that I can't see it coming through in my own writing.
I can't tell if I'm being trolled or not here.
I will have a talk with her this week. One way or another, there will be change.
I can't tell if I'm being trolled or not here.
I will have a talk with her this week. One way or another, there will be change.
POWERSPHERE
Banned
Pretty much this. She was a total punish by the end of it all.
Lactose_Intolerant
Member
why so long?
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Had a big presentation at work this morning (so I was barely around all weekend - I actually made this thread while procrastinating), and I have a basketball game tonight.
I want to have time to get my thoughts together and really be clear.
charlie1701
Member
I feel for you, dude. Broke up with my S.O. last July after four years together. We had a great relationship in lots of ways, but didn't want the same things long term.
Took a month out (no talking) to see how we felt afterwards, and although it was hard to be apart it really helped me to make a decision.
Just an idea, it helped me to see what I really wanted. Hope you're ok, however it goes.
Took a month out (no talking) to see how we felt afterwards, and although it was hard to be apart it really helped me to make a decision.
Just an idea, it helped me to see what I really wanted. Hope you're ok, however it goes.
Been with my gf for almost 5 years, last 6 months have been long distance. Just told her we have to talk later because she's planning on coming to see me in a few weeks, but I know it has to be over and don't want her to come all the way to just get broken up with.
I've got about 30 minutes to figure this out. I really don't know how to tell her without breaking her heart. She moved because she wanted to try other things career/location wise and now the distance has just killed everything. It's not like I want to break up because I don't love her anymore, because I do love her, it's just the active part of the relationship is dead and we're not headed in the same direction.
Sorry for hijacking, just wanted to say I feel you.
I've got about 30 minutes to figure this out. I really don't know how to tell her without breaking her heart. She moved because she wanted to try other things career/location wise and now the distance has just killed everything. It's not like I want to break up because I don't love her anymore, because I do love her, it's just the active part of the relationship is dead and we're not headed in the same direction.
Sorry for hijacking, just wanted to say I feel you.
ndawgdrake
Member
You should break up. Maybe for good, maybe not. But you two need real time apart.
It seems to me you guys are just going through the motions and you guys are only doing so because you've been together for so long; there seems to be very little effort being put into the relationship in you guys' most recent times.
Staying together is a sure fire way to kill the relationship permanently. A break is your only chance. Break up but stay in touch.
You should also follow what I said.
It seems to me you guys are just going through the motions and you guys are only doing so because you've been together for so long; there seems to be very little effort being put into the relationship in you guys' most recent times.
Staying together is a sure fire way to kill the relationship permanently. A break is your only chance. Break up but stay in touch.
You should also follow what I said.
avatarquote.jpg
sorry for another hijack, but i just finished with this. i think i did the right thing. she really thought we could make it work. the problem is that there was nothing wrong with our relationship really, it was just long-distance and not the best it could be, and there was no end to the distance in sight.
she was completely blindsided and shattered. it felt like stabbing my best friend in the back. i've never felt worse in my life. i really don't know how to feel anymore.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Feelings don't really die out if they were there in the first place. However feelings ain't enough.. if you guys are incombatible and there more bad times then the good times... if she is leeching of the fun in your life, too blind to explore your way or even give it a go, then fuck it.
But you should tak to her.. perhaps give her an offer on the table, offer her to work on understanding you and your desires. If she refuses break up, she's obviously then to stubborn.
But you should tak to her.. perhaps give her an offer on the table, offer her to work on understanding you and your desires. If she refuses break up, she's obviously then to stubborn.
What if you had to let her win all the time, and she refused to improve?
Or worse she mained Eddy Gordo?
This relationship sounds like it's based solely on convenience for your gf, and you checked out of it a long time ago.
Don't know your gf personally, but from how you described her, she sounds like a total Debbie Downer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXmRJ7VrNss
Don't know your gf personally, but from how you described her, she sounds like a total Debbie Downer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXmRJ7VrNss
Limiting Sex, complaining about everything to you? Why is she doing this? Refusing to watch movies? Do you ask her all the time? Maybe she wants you to take the decisions, whenever you in the mood just do it. Want to go to the cinema go to the cinema drag her with you, don't ask.
I think there might be a communication issue.
Have the talk, explain listen. See what she says. She if she is willing to open up with what is truelly bothering her. See if she's willing to work on understanding you.
I think there might be a communication issue.
Have the talk, explain listen. See what she says. She if she is willing to open up with what is truelly bothering her. See if she's willing to work on understanding you.
IISANDERII
Member
Yeah but don't say this to her. Or try to empathize with her point of view in the relationship at all; I think it'll just sound patronizing.
But to answer your question, no there isn't an easy way to end a relationship. Unless you have friends in low places who can help you fake your death.
Foxtastical
Member
Okay, this will seem weird but...
Read about NPD. See if it resonates at all with you. If it does, feel free to message me.
Read about NPD. See if it resonates at all with you. If it does, feel free to message me.
OP has gotten good advice, but I'd like to add one thing, regarding the timing of a break-up. There is never a good time. I had an ex that loved to pull that card whenever we had a problem, and anything can be turned into an "I can't believe you did this to me now, on _____." That blank can be a holiday, birthday, event from work, relative's/friend's birthday party or event, or proximity to any of these. There's always something that can be thrown at you for timing. I mean, just think of the days of the week. Monday- "I can't believe you tell me this now, when I've got a full work week ahead!" Friday - "I can't believe you ruined my weekend, and I'm so tired from work!"
There is never a good time besides now.
Sales charts won't help him now. Try being more specific about what NPD is?
There is never a good time besides now.
Sales charts won't help him now. Try being more specific about what NPD is?
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Perspicacity
Banned
I broke up with my girlfriend of 3~ years just three weeks ago. Your situation sounds pretty similar, though thankfully I wasn't in so deep (no shared assets, living together, etc.) Shit sucks and I still miss her all the time but I'm confident it was the right decision.
Naw dude. the day after Valentines day...which should be interesting itself, is perfect.
- Status