Support NeoGAF

[Dead Prince]

after august 5th?

on

 

[Jackben]

The chimp wouldn't even fight he would just bow down in shame from 'mirin especially if this was playing in the background:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=AdBoybKnzZw

 

[VanillaCakeIsBurning]

In a fictional fight, human.

In real life, chimpanzee. I have not heard of any humans with large fangs that don't tear off under pressure and limbs that are capable of ripping other humans into pieces easily.

 

[Always-honest]

Not sure if serious...

Dumb mofo knows a couple of really good fighting tricks.
Steven Seagal tips and tricks for Anderson Silva

 

[Chinner]

zyzz lifts


our generations spirits

 

[Jack Remington]

ITT: Non martial artists don't understand martial arts.

I'm one of the most vocal Team Human proponents in this thread, and I've practiced martial arts for years. When I first read this post, I assumed it was aimed at Team Chimp posters.

 

[KillGore]

Oh yeah? well at least we have the bigger penis.

 

[Zeliard]

Oh yeah? well at least we have the bigger penis.

Till the chimp snatches it and wears it as a trophy.

 

[Trurl]

Chimp genitals are way more resilient than human genitals.

They'd have to be so they don't accidently pull their dicks off when they're jerking it.

Now you're just making stuff up.

 

[Next]

Anderson Silva became an MMA superstar by using two or three techniques which were once thought to be illegal courtesy of Steven Seagal.

lol what?

anyway, I'd put my money on the human, if he's a heavyweight and assuming 150lb regular chimp.

 

[Az987]

Now you're just making stuff up.

Nuh uh! I saw it on TV.

David Attenborough was talking about chimp cocks one day.

I promise.

 

[Brofist]

who would win?

zyzz

vs

chimpanzee

Just picture that chimp picture with blood and bits of genital pieces around its mouth and you get the picture.

 

[Heel]

The best martial artists in the world don't compete in MMA because they don't play by the rules, they only fight to the death. Anderson Silva became an MMA superstar by using two or three techniques which were once thought to be illegal courtesy of Steven Seagal. Try to imagine a being with the ferocity of a chimp and the wisdom of a human...the chimp wouldn't stand a chance.

Exactly. There's no doubt in my mind that Sensei Seagal could throat shot a charging adult male chimpanzee and drop it to it's chimp knees.

For those who don't believe he's the secret behind Anderson Silva's success.

 

[Alligatorjandro]

 

[Az987]

Do you think if we shaved a chimp we could get him in the UFC?

 

[we.are.the.armada]

I heard a story about a chimp ripping out a man's genitalia through his pants at a zoo with incredible speed and precision.

I also heard from a professor that studied chimps that they favor biting with their gnarly canines.

 

[Mondriaan]

The best martial artists in the world don't compete in MMA because they don't play by the rules, they only fight to the death. Anderson Silva became an MMA superstar by using two or three techniques which were once thought to be illegal courtesy of Steven Seagal. Try to imagine a being with the ferocity of a chimp and the wisdom of a human...the chimp wouldn't stand a chance.

Imagine if Anderson Silva had been trained by a chimp. Steven Seagal would be missing a face and all his fingers trying to train Silva after that.

 

[flippedb]

Just picture that chimp picture with blood and bits of genital pieces around its mouth and you get the picture.

Because Zyzz would beat the shit out of him, till he bleeds and then he'd make the monkey suck his dick?

dat sick cunt ;_;

 

[strobogo]

How about Mark Henry, or similarly strong wrestler, but he's undergone a procedure to deaden the pain center of his brain, so the biting won't bother him. He can then start working over the chimp after that first bite attack.

That chimp ain't been paying his mother fucking bills!

 

[SquiddyCracker]

Guys, let's take the nature argument out of the question:

A chimp raised by tough ass martial arts men VERSUS a beast of a man raised by wild chimps (he's still not Alpha-status in his pack, but up there).

 

[Next]

Exactly. There's no doubt in my mind that Sensei Seagal could throat shot a charging adult male chimpanzee and drop it to it's chimp knees.

For those who don't believe he's the secret behind Anderson Silva's success.

because he says so? lol, seagal is the funniest unintentional joke.

 

[SuperAngelo64]

I wouldn't have any qualms with fighting a chimp.

I'm not an 'expert martial artist', but I'm an ex-boxer and my job forces me to break up fights on a near-daily basis.

Humans know what to go for first. I'd gouge it's eyes, choke it, bite it, rip it's nuts off, I really don't give a shit.

 

[muddream]

because he says so? lol, seagal is the funniest unintentional joke.

“I had a training camp with master Steven Segal, and he improved that kick of mine for me…”

- Anderson Silva


Joke's on you, better start showing some respect!

 

[Always-honest]

because he says so? lol, seagal is the funniest unintentional joke.

watch the vid i posted earlier

here you go

He is a joke as an actor. Not as a martial art master (in Aikido..)

 

[equippedwithtowel]

I wouldn't have any qualms with fighting a chimp.

I'm not an 'expert martial artist', but I'm an ex-boxer and my job forces me to break up fights on a near-daily basis.

Humans know what to go for first. I'd gouge it's eyes, choke it, bite it, rip it's nuts off, I really don't give a shit.

And chimps don't? Good luck with that plan.

 

[Incontinentia Buttocks]

Imagine a Chimp trained by Gene Lebell, the man that choked out Seagal. It would be unstoppable.

 

[Dark Stalkers]

who would win?

zyzz

vs

chimpanzee

Will the fight take place in a sauna?

 

[freenudemacusers]

I wouldn't have any qualms with fighting a chimp.

I'm not an 'expert martial artist', but I'm an ex-boxer and my job forces me to break up fights on a near-daily basis.

Humans know what to go for first. I'd gouge it's eyes, choke it, bite it, rip it's nuts off, I really don't give a shit.

you will be the first to die

 

[Jackben]

I wouldn't have any qualms with fighting a chimp.

I'm not an 'expert martial artist', but I'm an ex-boxer and my job forces me to break up fights on a near-daily basis.

Humans know what to go for first. I'd gouge it's eyes, choke it, bite it, rip it's nuts off, I really don't give a shit.

You're an ex-boxer (a sport where you use gloves which count as a tool) who breaks up 'fights' (likely drunk fools in a bro down) on a 'near daily basis' as a job you get paid for. I guess that qualifies you to defy your and another animals inherent biology and evolution to defeat the wild animal with four extremely tactile limbs, sharp fangs and a fierce grip who was physically built from birth for strength and agility that is instinctively trained to fight for survival on a daily basis, not because it gets paid in bananas but because it must in order to survive.

Bro, do you even lift read?

 

[J2 Cool]

I'm sure there's lots of amazing videos in this thread when I got the time to search through it. Here's from searching "Chimp vs. Tiger" (nm the cheap sound fx): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pnF74ZvfqM

super cool, although just a monkey, right?

 

[poppabk]

Could fifteen sharks beat up a blue whale?!

A pod of killer whales can. Kind of sad to watch.

 

[Wuthering_Heights]

Male Kangaroos really do have such high levels of muscle mass.

Also;

Kangaroo Dundee documentary.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRUsXbb0WWg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

 

[Skeyser]

do they give roids to their kangaroos or something

 

[muddream]

Imagine a Chimp trained by Gene Lebell, the man that choked out Seagal. It would be unstoppable.

Let's keep dirty rumors out of this thread and stick to the hard facts...otherwise the trolls will take over.

 

[SuperAngelo64]

you will be the first to die

Probably.

But it's worth a shot if I had to.

As for the Jackben guy, you act as if all animals are not built for survival. Humans are pretty used to the contemporary world, but to think that we've adapted out of 200,000 years of evolution is a little far fetched. We still have superior tactical skills.

I guess a lot depends on the environment in which the chimp was fighting in and whether or not who 'wins' depends on subjugation or death.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

Has anyone stopped to look at some pics of Charla Nash or James Davis?

Wtf is this "boxing" bullshit. That shit isn't going to work against a god damned chimpanzee. You're going to *punch* a chimpanzee? Give me a break.

Unarmed chimp vs unarmed human: Chimp wins. Period. Show me one incident of an unarmed human beating the shit out of a health adult chimp.

 

[brownfedora]

13 pages an no one has linked to the clip from Grandma's Boy that takes on this issue head on?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo_DmKT8Ims

 

[charsace]

do they give roids to their kangaroos or something

Male kangaroos like a lot of males in other species are made to kill. If a male kangaroo gets its hands on you, you're probably dead. He is either gonna kick you or rip your heart out.

 

[Shiv47]

As I mentioned earlier, I think the only human who would stand a decent chance is someone built like a serious weightlifter (Olympics, not bodybuilding), who has massive bulk and could potentially grab the chimp before it did too much damage and slam it into the ground/wall/whatever. This assumes the chimp's speed isn't too much. The massive bulk might prevent him getting his arms ripped off too soon. Not so sure about his cock, though.

 

[Jackben]

To reply to that 65superangels guy,

It's our intelligence that has undergone the greatest adaptation. And the kind of fight that is described in the OP, bereft of tools, greatly favors the chimpanzee.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

To reply to that 65superangels guy,

It's our intelligence that has undergone the greatest adaptation. And the kind of fight that is described in the OP, bereft of tools, greatly favors the chimpanzee.

This.

The only martial art that would kick a chimpanzee's ass would be:

 

[Jea Song]

Probably the closest you'll get. Basically some guy trying not to get killed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRV5MervRUk

Do chimps swim? I noticed in this video and the other the chimps won't go in the water. If so, your best chance is to head for water. Unless you can't swim yourself, then you're fucked.

 

[SquiddyCracker]

VS

 

[Akuun]

I'm amazed this thread is still going.

Give me a gun and I'd still be scared shitless to go against a chimp or most primates that *really* wanted to fuck me up.

 

[y2dvd]

Great read about Frodo and co. Lesson of the story is "Don't give chimps any bananas!"

 

[Next]

“I had a training camp with master Steven Segal, and he improved that kick of mine for me…”

- Anderson Silva


Joke's on you, better start showing some respect!

watch the vid i posted earlier

here you go

He is a joke as an actor. Not as a martial art master (in Aikido..)

I've seen that vid, I think that the case here is that Silva was doing it for PR. Plus lots of fighters seem to think aikido is not really that effective as a martial arts (even if he's good at it). Same with Lyoto Machida.
Bas Rutten's (proven fighter) thoughts on aikido: link

Thruth is Seagal never competed. Don't tell me it's because he's "too deadly" because in the early days of MMA in vale tudo tournaments you could do pretty much anything, and he didn't compete in that.

In the rare event that he comes across true martial artists he runs away, like he did against Van Damme (who actually competed at a certain point in kickboxing) here's the link, or that time that Gene Lebell choked him. here's another link which also touches on the Silva thing.

Not only that, he's a douchbag, here's Bas Rutten talking about that "deadly kick": link

John Leguizamo (video) and Stephen Quadros on Seagal: link

Rob Schneider on Seagal: link

So yeah, I think he's a joke all around

 

[Jackben]

I thought the people throwing out Segall's name out were joking, lol.

 

[Next]

If that's the case I'm sorry, I missed the sarcasm, there's a lot of people who actually believe he's legit.

 

[Skeyser]

how dare you insult master Seagal

 

[Jack Remington]

Do chimps swim? I noticed in this video and the other the chimps won't go in the water. If so, your best chance is to head for water. Unless you can't swim yourself, then you're fucked.

Apes don't swim.