Sniper McBlaze
Member
I'm always clear on if I want to befriend the girl or try and date her. It makes things easier on both of us. However, I guess that's one of the reasons I have very few female friends except relatives and exes...
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Why do men keep putting me in the Girlfriend-zone?
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Cameron122
Member
I would never
On topic, I kinda hate I feel this way. We've dated each others friends over the years and everything.
Not every male friend is playing for the end game from the start. Maybe the friendship started due to mutual friends, sharing classes, or sharing a hobby then after time one starts to see the other in a more romantic way. Maybe that person feels embarrassed or awkward after the rejection. Should one side have to remain being friends even if they're uncomfortable just to please the friendship needs of the other?
Jack Remington
Banned
We can agree on that, but I'd be surprised if that's the way it actually happens the majority of the time.
This actually did happen to me once, many years ago now. The girl in question was someone I had met during the first quarter of my freshman year in college. At that time I wasn't attracted to her at all. We were both huge partiers, and we had a lot of the same interests, so we started hanging out all the time. We would hang out and drink, watch movies, listen to music, talk about everything; I'd sleep on her couch all the time. I didn't feel the slightest bit of attraction to her for over four years. We called each other best friends.
After college we didn't see each other for a few months. When I saw her again, she'd changed, and so had I. She was much more fit now, much more serious about life, and I started to see her in a completely different way. I was in denial with myself about what these feelings were for a few months. Finally we kissed in a bar one night, just before she was to leave the country for a few months.
That kiss kind of ruined me. Now there was no denying what I felt. When I saw her again, a few months later, I told her. She said she didn't have romantic feelings for me. Very shortly afterwards, she began dating another guy. Of course it was her right to do that, but it did a number on me. At this point we were in the same city again, and we had the same circle of friends, so I'd see her just about every weekend. I realized that just being around her, especially when that guy was around, was making me horribly depressed. For the sake of my mental health, I had to stop seeing her so much. I started hanging out with other friends from a different social circle. Doing that really helped me, and soon enough I was over her.
She was pretty upset about what I did though. At one point she came up to me in a bar and really poured her heart out to me about how she missed her best friend. I told her that I was sorry for what had happened, but that it was just something I needed to do at that point. We started hanging out again after that, and gradually things went back to normal.
Now I don't think she did anything wrong at all in that situation, but neither did I. And in spite of neither of us really doing anything wrong, people still got their feelings hurt. It happens. Being human has transaction costs; it's just a fact of life.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
Acrylic7
Member
... well you go out to concerts with him , play video games with him, movies, hiking, invitations to party's, listen to his man problems.
You say that you are a nice person and that you enjoy hanging out with him and talking about your favorite books or exploring new restaurants or making fun of avant-garde theatre productions.
From what you are telling us you seem to be a 10 that likes to tease, teasing us with a big pole with snacks and good times.
I dont know how to brake this too you but you are what I (and any other sane man) would like to call "Wife Material" or "Bottom Girl", which is an synonym for "Wife Material".
Most guys aren't looking for girlfriends (well I'm not), I'm looking for someone I wouldn't mind spending my life with. Someone who knows how to put up with my shenanigans and insatiable appetite for blueberry pancakes and fresh school supplies.
You say that you are a nice person and that you enjoy hanging out with him and talking about your favorite books or exploring new restaurants or making fun of avant-garde theatre productions.
From what you are telling us you seem to be a 10 that likes to tease, teasing us with a big pole with snacks and good times.
I dont know how to brake this too you but you are what I (and any other sane man) would like to call "Wife Material" or "Bottom Girl", which is an synonym for "Wife Material".
Most guys aren't looking for girlfriends (well I'm not), I'm looking for someone I wouldn't mind spending my life with. Someone who knows how to put up with my shenanigans and insatiable appetite for blueberry pancakes and fresh school supplies.
Clearly the solution is for men to befriend women who already have a boyfriend and for women to befriend men who already have a girlfriend.
Thankfully for me I don't ever develop feelings for women I'm already friends with. When I do like a woman I make my intentions clear and usually(always) I get rejected. I don't make it a big deal because I already have plenty of awesome friends who are girls so I usually stop talking to the girls that reject me for at least a few weeks since I'm not really in need of any new friends.
Thankfully for me I don't ever develop feelings for women I'm already friends with. When I do like a woman I make my intentions clear and usually(always) I get rejected. I don't make it a big deal because I already have plenty of awesome friends who are girls so I usually stop talking to the girls that reject me for at least a few weeks since I'm not really in need of any new friends.
Byakuya769
Member
"Bottom bitch."
It's about to get real in here.
It's about to get real in here.
She's not saying that either. She's saying this is what happened with one particular friend. She has given multiple other reasons for why this was upsetting (the "he put a lot of work into her" comment). She is not saying that this is the case in every situation.
Looks more like holder from The Killing. what's the actor's name?
On one hand, the way you speak suggests a belief that love is a constant. There's a suggestion in your post that, being in love now, means that someone was always in love. You took the scenario I posted, for example, and altered it to say "you reveal that you've had these feelings the entire time."
But then you admit that love is something that naturally happens "when you get closer" because "that's how it works."
So...I can't understand you. If you understand that love naturally happens when you get closer to someone, can't you understand that a close friendship can easily and naturally lead to one person developing romantic feelings for the other? What's so different about dating and being friends, that for one it makes perfect sense that someone will fall in love. And in the other, it's completely unnatural?
People date for months and months and then, eventually, they may realize they love each other and get married. Sometimes, people can be friends for months and months and then, eventually, one person realizes that (even though they weren't expecting it) they fell in love. It happens.
not psycho
Member
Just because something is annoying doesn't mean it is anyone's fault.
There is nothing wrong with being friends with someone you enjoy being friends with, even if you strongly suspect you will eventually ask them to be more than friends, and will be unable to go back to the old friendship if they don't feel the same. And certainly there is nothing wrong with being highly annoyed when someone does this. Because it's annoying. Life can be annoying.
There is nothing wrong with being friends with someone you enjoy being friends with, even if you strongly suspect you will eventually ask them to be more than friends, and will be unable to go back to the old friendship if they don't feel the same. And certainly there is nothing wrong with being highly annoyed when someone does this. Because it's annoying. Life can be annoying.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
I agree. It really is her fault for hanging out with him.
Byakuya769
Member
One of the top comments:
"If you want friends, try other girls. Maybe if women werent climbing over each other to snag the hot guys who already have girlfriends, fiances, and wives, or dont even want relationships, they'd find plenty of other guys to date, more men would be taken, and if they met you you could both hypothetically be friends because he isn't single, lonely and desperate huh? This article smacks of selfishness, why do you think he sought you out? he wanted to have a companion in life, not a "buddy" who isnt as much fun as other guys. No group of female friends can keep a guy entertained as well as a group of guys on a boys night out, period, we do stuff you cant, and we can say what we want without filtering it for the ladies." (there's more)
Do you all think that's real? If it's not real, that's the funniest troll I've read in a while. If it is real, that's the funniest meltdown I've seen in a while.
"If you want friends, try other girls. Maybe if women werent climbing over each other to snag the hot guys who already have girlfriends, fiances, and wives, or dont even want relationships, they'd find plenty of other guys to date, more men would be taken, and if they met you you could both hypothetically be friends because he isn't single, lonely and desperate huh? This article smacks of selfishness, why do you think he sought you out? he wanted to have a companion in life, not a "buddy" who isnt as much fun as other guys. No group of female friends can keep a guy entertained as well as a group of guys on a boys night out, period, we do stuff you cant, and we can say what we want without filtering it for the ladies." (there's more)
Do you all think that's real? If it's not real, that's the funniest troll I've read in a while. If it is real, that's the funniest meltdown I've seen in a while.
Unless one specifically says they were trying to sneak their way into a relationship, how would the other know? Just saying it's just as likely they became friends with no expectations on either side until one started to develop feelings for the other. Then the break of contact could be for reasons other than "well, guess i'm getting no sex".
Vermillion
Banned
Which Little Mermaid song am I to sing...?
What's 9GAG?
If someone said I was a bitch for not dating them after all the work they put into me, I would not be inclined to think kindly of them.
Maybe that's just me.
Capital_Five
Member
Why do you guys even want friends of the opposite sex? Is there something in particular you get out if it?
I've never felt compelled to have girls as friends. I never understood why some guys did unless they were actually trying to sleep with them. I have a lot of really close guy friends that I share all my interests with I guess, I'm not really looking for new friends in general but particularly not those that are women, which always brings another set of dynamics into the equation.
I like the way other guys think when I want to talk about things or hang out but when I want to have sex or go on cute dates I'll find a woman.
I've never felt compelled to have girls as friends. I never understood why some guys did unless they were actually trying to sleep with them. I have a lot of really close guy friends that I share all my interests with I guess, I'm not really looking for new friends in general but particularly not those that are women, which always brings another set of dynamics into the equation.
I like the way other guys think when I want to talk about things or hang out but when I want to have sex or go on cute dates I'll find a woman.
I think this topic did ok for what it is. Sure this topic probably will accomplish nothing other than debating for the sake of it, but only one person was banned and it took awhile for even that to happen. I consider that a success.
Do here its wetter down here is better take it from me!
Do here its wetter down here is better take it from me!
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
Metal Gear Solid 5
Snake has to sneak his way into the hearts and minds of all his lady friends. Can he do it? What simping tactics will he use? What about Meryl?
hardcastlemccormick
Banned
I edited this response down slightly from my mega uber moster post. Sorry, I use too many words.
I allotted for both options in an edit. However, I will point out that from the perspective of the woman caught in this thing, how long you've felt about this matters naught. The consequences will never be the same.
It's not unnatural to have your feelings grow for someone. Sorry if it sounded like I did or if I miscommunicated.
But it IS really weird for someone to go from zero interest to I LOVE YOU AND I CAN'T HANDLE THE AGONY OF SEEING YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE without some milder emotions in between. These sorts of milder emotions happen pretty early when you know somebody, and they're harmless to act upon; flirt and ask out with little risk. It's also really weird to have these appear out of nowhere, completely unheeded and unpredicted. You're really not self aware enough to know who you're going to fall for? And if you aren't, it's not hard to just assume "everybody." It's not like you always have to be right.
And yet people will keep on thinking that it won't happen next time, so they never change.
Or how about we try something different. Let's say you meet someone of your preferred gender tomorrow. If you like talking to this person and spending time with this person (and are physically attracted to them), flirt a little, ask them out on a date within the first month of knowing them. A date doesn't have to be a big deal, just get to know the person better. This is a healthy place for that passion to grow.
This approach entirely avoids agony and unrequited love, and actually has a success rate higher than zero. Or you could keep getting blindsided by the thing we already know is going to happen when you get close to the person, with no recourse.
I allotted for both options in an edit. However, I will point out that from the perspective of the woman caught in this thing, how long you've felt about this matters naught. The consequences will never be the same.
It's not unnatural to have your feelings grow for someone. Sorry if it sounded like I did or if I miscommunicated.
But it IS really weird for someone to go from zero interest to I LOVE YOU AND I CAN'T HANDLE THE AGONY OF SEEING YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE without some milder emotions in between. These sorts of milder emotions happen pretty early when you know somebody, and they're harmless to act upon; flirt and ask out with little risk. It's also really weird to have these appear out of nowhere, completely unheeded and unpredicted. You're really not self aware enough to know who you're going to fall for? And if you aren't, it's not hard to just assume "everybody." It's not like you always have to be right.
And yet people will keep on thinking that it won't happen next time, so they never change.
Or how about we try something different. Let's say you meet someone of your preferred gender tomorrow. If you like talking to this person and spending time with this person (and are physically attracted to them), flirt a little, ask them out on a date within the first month of knowing them. A date doesn't have to be a big deal, just get to know the person better. This is a healthy place for that passion to grow.
This approach entirely avoids agony and unrequited love, and actually has a success rate higher than zero. Or you could keep getting blindsided by the thing we already know is going to happen when you get close to the person, with no recourse.
This can't be a real post, can it?
Why do we want friends that are girls? ... um... because they're also people, and as people they make good friends, too. Seriously, wtf?
Razgriz-Specter
Member
Thanks, I kinda phrased it wrong though.
I had been in that situation in the past, I was just asking the general opinion of the women in this thread.
Jack Remington
Banned
They are often good people whose company is pleasant, and who have a lot to teach you.
Byakuya769
Member
Cooties unless you getting the booties.
When I become friends with a guy, I'm not really think about him as a guy. I'm not thinking "Wow, I need more guy friends for unspecified reasons!" I meet someone. We mesh on a personal and intellectual level. Bam, friends. It's not about gender. It's not about what I can get out of it. I just like talking with like minds and having fun.
hgarrett54
Banned
Vermillion
Banned
Nope. No one needs a friend of the opposite gender, and except for greater representation of demographics, no one really wants one.
The point is just to have different sorts of friends, so there's no need to stick with one gender. Just find people you like being friends with. If it's a mixture, great, if it ends up mostly one or the other, fine. It's really more about not discounting people because of their gender.
Some women don't like most women, some men don't like most men and mix it up some too. Pick your friends on an individual basis.
EDIT: Pre-empted thrice.
Female friends you don't hit on means:
1) Meet more girls constantly without trying. Hit on these girls, not your main group.
2) Get dating advice that actually works.
3) Wing woman helps you meet girls at bars without their defenses going up.
Vermillion
Banned
Tru
Guys give good dating advice, too.
Defenses? Not necessary.
At any rate, wouldn't these suggestions lead to more manipulative friendships?
I wasn't responding to that part of Fiction's contribution to the thread (assuming that's where your response came from) just the idea that entering into a friendship before developing a romantic interest seemed to be downplayed a little bit. I'll just go back and edit out my quote of her and leave it as a response to the OP to avoid confusion.
blame space
Banned
friends: friend or foe?
I don't think most people think that romantic feelings growing as the friendship progresses is a bad thing. Most people also don't think that not wanting to be friends anymore after heart break is a bad thing. What people ARE concerned about are the guys who become bitter and misogynistic after the experience. No one is talking about run-of-the-mill rejected guys.
Hasn't been that way for me... closest friends have been girls ever since high school.
So many ridiculous presumptions on both sides in this thread that I don't even know where to begin.
"Reveal how you feel from the start."
You don't always start out knowing that you want to date someone. It rarely goes beyond "I'd fuck him/her." at first sight, and as long as nothing vapid or dense spills out of their mouth when you first talk to them, it's hard to make a snap judgement about whether or not you want to be in a relationship with them, outside of that initial "I want to fuck them."
If by "from the start," you mean "after a few dates," or "after X amount of days hanging out," then sure, you might have a point. Jumping to conclusions right away however almost never leads down a happy road.
"You can't be her friend if you want to date her."
Absolute bullshit, to be honest. I've dated plenty of girls who I considered friends. Whether or not they always regarded me in the same fashion, I can't say. I don't think I'd want to date a girl who wasn't, at least on some level, my friend (or at least one who seems like she would make a good friend). You can't exactly blame guys for wanting to date girls who they are good friends with, it seems ridiculous to me that such a statement would even be made at all.
Shocking news, not every guy who asks a good friend out is a manipulative scumbag trying to get some action. In fact, I'd wager that a majority of manipulative scumbags are probably doing things that are much more productive as far as that is concerned, like picking up drunk girls at a party, or preying on girls who are having a rough time. I really doubt that most of them would waste their time establishing a "fake friendship" in order to eventually, maybe, have her reciprocate with sexual favors.
More often than not, I'm willing to bet, the guy who goes into a friendship hoping for a relationship is simply one who is inexperienced, shy, or socially inept in some way. Demonizing them like they have been in this thread seems to miss the mark, and may even be harmful in some cases.
I don't think that they mean any harm, they are simply expecting that the friendship will turn into something more over a period of time. Obviously misguided, but for a lot of people, especially those with little to no experience, can you really expect otherwise? Whether they have low esteem, are unattractive, are socially awkward, or whatever, if they have had no luck repeatedly with the "traditional" way, can you blame them for trying something different? It's very likely that the majority of these guys are not conniving, and most certainly are not trying to hold a girl hostage emotionally. For someone who likely struggles with talking to girls at all, do you seriously think they have it in them to be a predator? Obviously some do, but the majority of them? I seriously doubt it.
I don't know, the whole situation is shitty, and as a guy who used to repeatedly fall into this kind of thing when I was younger, I think that immediately painting them all with the same brush is more than a little silly. I harbored no ill intentions or sinister plans when I tried to approach dating like this, I was merely inexperienced and had little luck with the traditional method of being upfront and forthcoming about my feelings right away. I think we would do well to try and understand why it happens a little better, rather than jumping to silly conclusions that end up hurting everyone involved.
Reading this again, it turned out to be pretty incoherent, but oh well. I just wish people wouldn't be so aggressive and judgmental about any of the people involved a situation like this. It's usually a lot more complicated than it looks on the surface, and many times there are no intended wrongs by any party.
"Reveal how you feel from the start."
You don't always start out knowing that you want to date someone. It rarely goes beyond "I'd fuck him/her." at first sight, and as long as nothing vapid or dense spills out of their mouth when you first talk to them, it's hard to make a snap judgement about whether or not you want to be in a relationship with them, outside of that initial "I want to fuck them."
If by "from the start," you mean "after a few dates," or "after X amount of days hanging out," then sure, you might have a point. Jumping to conclusions right away however almost never leads down a happy road.
"You can't be her friend if you want to date her."
Absolute bullshit, to be honest. I've dated plenty of girls who I considered friends. Whether or not they always regarded me in the same fashion, I can't say. I don't think I'd want to date a girl who wasn't, at least on some level, my friend (or at least one who seems like she would make a good friend). You can't exactly blame guys for wanting to date girls who they are good friends with, it seems ridiculous to me that such a statement would even be made at all.
Shocking news, not every guy who asks a good friend out is a manipulative scumbag trying to get some action. In fact, I'd wager that a majority of manipulative scumbags are probably doing things that are much more productive as far as that is concerned, like picking up drunk girls at a party, or preying on girls who are having a rough time. I really doubt that most of them would waste their time establishing a "fake friendship" in order to eventually, maybe, have her reciprocate with sexual favors.
More often than not, I'm willing to bet, the guy who goes into a friendship hoping for a relationship is simply one who is inexperienced, shy, or socially inept in some way. Demonizing them like they have been in this thread seems to miss the mark, and may even be harmful in some cases.
I don't think that they mean any harm, they are simply expecting that the friendship will turn into something more over a period of time. Obviously misguided, but for a lot of people, especially those with little to no experience, can you really expect otherwise? Whether they have low esteem, are unattractive, are socially awkward, or whatever, if they have had no luck repeatedly with the "traditional" way, can you blame them for trying something different? It's very likely that the majority of these guys are not conniving, and most certainly are not trying to hold a girl hostage emotionally. For someone who likely struggles with talking to girls at all, do you seriously think they have it in them to be a predator? Obviously some do, but the majority of them? I seriously doubt it.
I don't know, the whole situation is shitty, and as a guy who used to repeatedly fall into this kind of thing when I was younger, I think that immediately painting them all with the same brush is more than a little silly. I harbored no ill intentions or sinister plans when I tried to approach dating like this, I was merely inexperienced and had little luck with the traditional method of being upfront and forthcoming about my feelings right away. I think we would do well to try and understand why it happens a little better, rather than jumping to silly conclusions that end up hurting everyone involved.
Reading this again, it turned out to be pretty incoherent, but oh well. I just wish people wouldn't be so aggressive and judgmental about any of the people involved a situation like this. It's usually a lot more complicated than it looks on the surface, and many times there are no intended wrongs by any party.
â Narayan
Member
Wearing a fedora. Friend-zoned immediately.
Vermillion
Banned
What I mean is that you'd have guys "befriending" girls just for those benefits.
oneils
Member
Where were you when I was 15?
Oh man. I hate these threads. I've been friend zoned, and rejected. I've also friend zoned and rejected people too. Each time was awkward, and I wish I could do them over so that I could exhibit a little more grace and maturity. I don't regret the events themselves so much as the way I handled them. I hope that, at least, I've learned a little and can handle myself in a mature fashion moving forward. All I can do, I guess.
With that out of the way, the blog is obviously satire. I think the point is that people have to get in front of their feelings and be honest. If you want more than friendship it should be clear very early on. Also, try not to interpret attention of any sort as romantic interest.
hardcastlemccormick
Banned
For the record I'm not either, I'm just suggesting if you keep on falling for your friends, maybe a new approach is required. Especially if you never go on dates and nothing ever seems to go anywhere.
A date is where you decide if you want a relationship with a person. It requires the smallest amount of commitment and interest in a person and if you can't even figure out if you want to date someone within the first month or so of knowing them, you're taking the whole thing too seriously. A date means nothing other than "I'm interested in you and this might go somewhere," and even then it's a pretty light implication.
Well you could say a guy being friends with other guys is "befriending" him just for the benefits of having someone he can hang out with and talk about guy stuff. What's the difference?
Johnny Cage In The Shower
Member
Sadly this couldn't be quoted enough in this thread, I said something similar earlier in this thread, that I cannot find...
So can anyone here give me a good definition of what a true friendship is?
Does sexual attraction, lust, romance etc. have any place within friends?
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