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[A.E Suggs]

Friends / How many of us have them?

Damn you! Why didn't I think of that.

I don't think most people think that romantic feelings growing as the friendship progresses is a bad thing. Most people also don't think that not wanting to be friends anymore after heart break is a bad thing. What people ARE concerned about are the guys who become bitter and misogynistic after the experience. No one is talking about run-of-the-mill rejected guys.

Is there honestly any real way to stop that? If they are misogynictic after a something like that they were probably that way to begin with and I don't think any story over the net will change their minds.

 

[Keri]

It IS really weird for someone to go from zero interest to I LOVE YOU AND I CAN'T HANDLE THE AGONY OF SEEING YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE without some milder emotions in between. These sorts of milder emotions happen pretty early when you know somebody, and they're harmless to act upon; flirt and ask out with little risk.

It's also really weird to have these appear out of nowhere, completely unheeded and unpredicted. You're really not self aware enough to know who you're going to fall for? And if you aren't, it's not hard to just assume "everybody." It's not like you always have to be right.

I think I understand you now, but I think you're underestimating how easy it is to confuse these feelings, in the context of a close friendship. Those milder emotions you speak of are normal for friendships: of course you like your friends and enjoy hanging out with them. And of course you're attached to your friends.

The biggest distinction, between a friendship and a romantic relationship is physical attraction. But it's really common for physical attraction to be affected by emotional attachment. That is how these situations develop: you develop a close and amazing friendship with someone. Perhaps you weren't physically attracted to them before (or at least you weren't interested in a romantic relationship). Eventually your close emotional relationship changes the way you feel about them. Now you want a romantic relationship.

If you were friends for a long time and had a close relationship, using the word "love" isn't weird, because it's not coming from nowhere. It's informed by the time you spent together as platonic friends.

 

[Liu Kang Baking A Pie]

Shocking news, not every guy who asks a good friend out is a manipulative scumbag trying to get some action.

So what? The point of this all is that there are some guys that do, and they're awful.

I disagree with the rest of your post suggesting we shouldn't demonize these people because they might mean well. No matter what, if you are emotionally hurting or confusing someone else, you need to take responsibility for it. People shouldn't put on kid gloves because some people have no self-awareness.

 

[Capital_Five]

Sadly this couldn't be quoted enough in this thread, I said something similar earlier in this thread, that I cannot find...


So can anyone here give me a good definition of what a true friendship is?

Does sexual attraction, lust, romance etc. have any place within friends?

Friendship is a social contract with another human being with whom one may share interests, benefits, emotions, and experiences with, with the expectation of some sort of reciprocation.

 

[Admiral Bone to Pick]

So many ridiculous presumptions on both sides in this thread that I don't even know where to begin...

...

I actually thought this was the best post in the thread and I sincerely thank you for posting it. Certain posters have tried to grossly oversimplify this issue from both sides, so I really appreciate your take on it.

 

[specialguy]

yeah! lets fight in here! over, stuff! rawr, anger!

 

[Vermillion]

Well you could say a guy being friends with other guys is "befriending" him just for the benefits of having someone he can hang out with and talk about guy stuff. What's the difference?

I mean, friends are to hang out and talk with in general. Female friends can provide the listed benefits, yes, but people "befriending" them for that purpose is disingenuous, yes?

 

[The Adder]

Why do you guys even want friends of the opposite sex? Is there something in particular you get out if it?

I've never felt compelled to have girls as friends. I never understood why some guys did unless they were actually trying to sleep with them. I have a lot of really close guy friends that I share all my interests with I guess, I'm not really looking for new friends in general but particularly not those that are women, which always brings another set of dynamics into the equation.

I like the way other guys think when I want to talk about things or hang out but when I want to have sex or go on cute dates I'll find a woman.

In my experience, there's shit that you just don't discuss with other dudes that you will end up discussing with a close female friend.

 

[dojokun]

I mean, friends are to hang out and talk with in general. Female friends can provide the listed benefits, yes, but people "befriending" them for that purpose is disingenuous, yes?

Not if you just tell them. And yes you're supposed to hang out with and talk to them too.

 

[Lissar]

Is there honestly any real way to stop that? If they are misogynictic after a something like that they were probably that way to begin with and I don't think any story over the net will change their minds.

I don't think anyone is irredeemable (at least in this situation). People can certainly behave one way and then eventually realize how their behavior has affected people. It might not be this story. Very likely this satire will just make them angry (as well as many other guys who I'm sure are fine upstanding citizens in every other regard who feel slighted because they felt the story was talking about them.) But there also might be someone who is starting to realize what they have been doing, who reads this story, and it starts to get them thinking. Even a little bit.

Or maybe not. I certainly can't say for sure.

 

[Johnny Cage In The Shower]

Friendship is a social contract with another human being with whom one may share interests, benefits, emotions, and experiences with, with the expectation of some sort of reciprocation.

Good definition, which makes me come to the conclusion: if one party of a friendship has romantic or sexual feelings over the other and the other one cannot return those needs back, then there's no reciprocation, thus there's no friendship there.

 

[speculawyer]

Why is this person so desperate to have a male friend?

Of course Billy Crystal explained this whole situation in When Harry Met Sally.

 

[Johnny Cage In The Shower]

Why is this person so desperate to have a male friend?

because she already has a male date. duh!

 

[Log4Girlz]

How do I get boyfriend zoned?

 

[Wiktor]

If you easily fall in love it's good idea to pick women you don't find attractive for your friends.

 

[HappyBivouac]

So many ridiculous presumptions on both sides in this thread that I don't even know where to begin.

"Reveal how you feel from the start."

You don't always start out knowing that you want to date someone. It rarely goes beyond "I'd fuck him/her." at first sight, and as long as nothing vapid or dense spills out of their mouth when you first talk to them, it's hard to make a snap judgement about whether or not you want to be in a relationship with them, outside of that initial "I want to fuck them."

If by "from the start," you mean "after a few dates," or "after X amount of days hanging out," then sure, you might have a point. Jumping to conclusions right away however almost never leads down a happy road.

"You can't be her friend if you want to date her."

Absolute bullshit, to be honest. I've dated plenty of girls who I considered friends. Whether or not they always regarded me in the same fashion, I can't say. I don't think I'd want to date a girl who wasn't, at least on some level, my friend (or at least one who seems like she would make a good friend). You can't exactly blame guys for wanting to date girls who they are good friends with, it seems ridiculous to me that such a statement would even be made at all.

Shocking news, not every guy who asks a good friend out is a manipulative scumbag trying to get some action. In fact, I'd wager that a majority of manipulative scumbags are probably doing things that are much more productive as far as that is concerned, like picking up drunk girls at a party, or preying on girls who are having a rough time. I really doubt that most of them would waste their time establishing a "fake friendship" in order to eventually, maybe, have her reciprocate with sexual favors.

More often than not, I'm willing to bet, the guy who goes into a friendship hoping for a relationship is simply one who is inexperienced, shy, or socially inept in some way. Demonizing them like they have been in this thread seems to miss the mark, and may even be harmful in some cases.

I don't think that they mean any harm, they are simply expecting that the friendship will turn into something more over a period of time. Obviously misguided, but for a lot of people, especially those with little to no experience, can you really expect otherwise? Whether they have low esteem, are unattractive, are socially awkward, or whatever, if they have had no luck repeatedly with the "traditional" way, can you blame them for trying something different? It's very likely that the majority of these guys are not conniving, and most certainly are not trying to hold a girl hostage emotionally. For someone who likely struggles with talking to girls at all, do you seriously think they have it in them to be a predator? Obviously some do, but the majority of them? I seriously doubt it.

I don't know, the whole situation is shitty, and as a guy who used to repeatedly fall into this kind of thing when I was younger, I think that immediately painting them all with the same brush is more than a little silly. I harbored no ill intentions or sinister plans when I tried to approach dating like this, I was merely inexperienced and had little luck with the traditional method of being upfront and forthcoming about my feelings right away. I think we would do well to try and understand why it happens a little better, rather than jumping to silly conclusions that end up hurting everyone involved.

Reading this again, it turned out to be pretty incoherent, but oh well. I just wish people wouldn't be so aggressive and judgmental about any of the people involved a situation like this. It's usually a lot more complicated than it looks on the surface, and many times there are no intended wrongs by any party.

This post is pretty much everything I wanted to say.

 

[Vermillion]

Not if you just tell them. And yes you're supposed to hang out with and talk to them too.

Ah, there's the disconnect. He was asking why guys would want female friends at all, and I imagined the list would lead to people using women solely those purposes if they start from the same point he did - questioning the value of women as friends.

 

[icecream]

Why is this person so desperate to have a male friend?

Is there something wrong with that? For some girls it's hard to get along with other girls, yet they click with guys. Doesn't meant we want to date or have a relationship the guys we're friends with.

 

[dojokun]

Ah, there's the disconnect. He was asking why guys would want female friends at all, and I imagined the list would lead to people using women solely those purposes if they start from the same point he did - questioning the value of women as friends.

Well I assume anyone as "friends" includes being friends. Otherwise any answer to that question would be viewed as manipulative.

 

[Vermillion]

Well I assume anyone as "friends" includes being friends. Otherwise any answer to that question would be viewed as manipulative.

Alright; agreed!

 

[Nilaul]

Well atleast its not as fucked up as... the girl saying:

Her - I want you, love your eyes, want to cuddle etc.

Me - Ok lets try then

Her - Then reverting to nahh... we cant do anything because of this and that.

Me - Ignoring her after

Her - Then reverting to wanting to be sexual partners...

Me - Im not bothered.... Im out here... youll be the death of me lol

 

[hardcastlemccormick]

I think I understand you now, but I think you're underestimating how easy it is to confuse these feelings, in the context of a close friendship. Those milder emotions you speak of are normal for friendships: of course you like your friends and enjoy hanging out with them. And of course you're attached to your friends.

The biggest distinction, between a friendship and a romantic relationship is physical attraction. But it's really common for physical attraction to be affected by emotional attachment. That is how these situations develop: you develop a close and amazing friendship with someone. Perhaps you weren't physically attracted to them before (or at least you weren't interested in a romantic relationship). Eventually your close emotional relationship changes the way you feel about them. Now you want a romantic relationship.

If you were friends for a long time and had a close relationship, using the word "love" isn't weird, because it's not coming from nowhere. It's informed by the time you spent together as platonic friends.

I understand the plight, but I still think it's not an unsolvable situation. I guess I have the benefit of knowing what my emotions mean, having spent the time to listen to my own brain when it's getting all worked up about a girl. I guess I'll leave that conversation thread with a simple "know thyself" and "assume you will fall for all of them."

I understand saying "I love you" to a friend in a platonic way. But platonic love is still a far cry from romantic love. It demands so much more from both parties in the relationship and requires a lot more listening and effort.

FLAWED ANALOGY TIME: you buy an apple from the vendor every day, you don't show up and suddenly ask for a BMW and the gas and warranty for it. Doesn't matter if you've got the money or the credit. You've got to make it clear from the beginning you're ramping up to something that big, and nobody just "discovers" they wanted a BMW from their apple vendor. If you did, too bad, start hunting elsewhere.

 

[Lissar]

Why is this person so desperate to have a male friend?

Why do you assume she's looking for a male friend in general, and not just wanting this specific person as a friend?

People aren't that easily interchangeable.

 

[Capital_Five]

Why do you assume she's looking for a male friend in general, and not just wanting this specific person as a friend?

People aren't that easily interchangeable.

I have to disagree on this point. Discounting my one best friend with whom I spent an enormous amount of my formative years (becoming very similar in the process since our personalities were more malleable as kids), I feel like pretty much everyone else I meet is fairly swappable. You can always find another person who is into similar fiction, or activities or whathaveyou in close proximity. Assuming you live in a major city I guess.

 

[Keri]

Is there something wrong with that? For some girls it's hard to get along with other girls, yet they click with guys. Doesn't meant we want to date or have a relationship the guys we're friends with.

There is something weird about not being able to connect with an entire gender. If you genuinely can't get along with an entire gender, the problem is you.

I understand the plight, but I still think it's not an unsolvable situation. I guess I have the benefit of knowing what my emotions mean, having spent the time to listen to my own brain when it's getting all worked up about a girl. I guess I'll leave that conversation thread with a simple "know thyself" and "assume you will fall for all of them."

If you assume you fall for all of them, does that mean that you can't be friends? Or do you just mean that, as soon as one gets an inkling that their feelings are changing, they should communicate it to the other person? I can absolutely agree with the second suggestion. I just understand how, even at the soonest possible opportunity, the situation can still be horrible for both people.

I don't think we're so far off from each other, though. I think we actually agree on quite a bit.

 

[J2 Cool]

So many ridiculous presumptions on both sides in this thread that I don't even know where to begin.

"Reveal how you feel from the start."

You don't always start out knowing that you want to date someone. It rarely goes beyond "I'd fuck him/her." at first sight, and as long as nothing vapid or dense spills out of their mouth when you first talk to them, it's hard to make a snap judgement about whether or not you want to be in a relationship with them, outside of that initial "I want to fuck them."

If by "from the start," you mean "after a few dates," or "after X amount of days hanging out," then sure, you might have a point. Jumping to conclusions right away however almost never leads down a happy road.

"You can't be her friend if you want to date her."

Absolute bullshit, to be honest. I've dated plenty of girls who I considered friends. Whether or not they always regarded me in the same fashion, I can't say. I don't think I'd want to date a girl who wasn't, at least on some level, my friend (or at least one who seems like she would make a good friend). You can't exactly blame guys for wanting to date girls who they are good friends with, it seems ridiculous to me that such a statement would even be made at all.

Shocking news, not every guy who asks a good friend out is a manipulative scumbag trying to get some action. In fact, I'd wager that a majority of manipulative scumbags are probably doing things that are much more productive as far as that is concerned, like picking up drunk girls at a party, or preying on girls who are having a rough time. I really doubt that most of them would waste their time establishing a "fake friendship" in order to eventually, maybe, have her reciprocate with sexual favors.

More often than not, I'm willing to bet, the guy who goes into a friendship hoping for a relationship is simply one who is inexperienced, shy, or socially inept in some way. Demonizing them like they have been in this thread seems to miss the mark, and may even be harmful in some cases.

I don't think that they mean any harm, they are simply expecting that the friendship will turn into something more over a period of time. Obviously misguided, but for a lot of people, especially those with little to no experience, can you really expect otherwise? Whether they have low esteem, are unattractive, are socially awkward, or whatever, if they have had no luck repeatedly with the "traditional" way, can you blame them for trying something different? It's very likely that the majority of these guys are not conniving, and most certainly are not trying to hold a girl hostage emotionally. For someone who likely struggles with talking to girls at all, do you seriously think they have it in them to be a predator? Obviously some do, but the majority of them? I seriously doubt it.

I don't know, the whole situation is shitty, and as a guy who used to repeatedly fall into this kind of thing when I was younger, I think that immediately painting them all with the same brush is more than a little silly. I harbored no ill intentions or sinister plans when I tried to approach dating like this, I was merely inexperienced and had little luck with the traditional method of being upfront and forthcoming about my feelings right away. I think we would do well to try and understand why it happens a little better, rather than jumping to silly conclusions that end up hurting everyone involved.

Reading this again, it turned out to be pretty incoherent, but oh well. I just wish people wouldn't be so aggressive and judgmental about any of the people involved a situation like this. It's usually a lot more complicated than it looks on the surface, and many times there are no intended wrongs by any party.

Good post on the subject.

 

[Lissar]

I have to disagree on this point. Discounting my one best friend with whom I spent an enormous amount of my formative years (becoming very similar in the process since our personalities were more malleable as kids), I feel like pretty much everyone else I meet is fairly swappable. You can always find another person who is into similar fiction, or activities or whathaveyou in close proximity. Assuming you live in a major city I guess.

I have to say... I'm really glad I don't feel this way. All of my friends are special to me, and if I lost even one of them I'd feel like it was a gap in my life. It might be filled again eventually, but it wouldn't be the exact same.

 

[Devolution]

I have to disagree on this point. Discounting my one best friend with whom I spent an enormous amount of my formative years (becoming very similar in the process since our personalities were more malleable as kids), I feel like pretty much everyone else I meet is fairly swappable. You can always find another person who is into similar fiction, or activities or whathaveyou in close proximity. Assuming you live in a major city I guess.

Why keep my friends one gender? What a silly idea. I make friends based on who they are, not arbitrary shit like what's between their legs.

 

[Freezie KO]

More often than not, I'm willing to bet, the guy who goes into a friendship hoping for a relationship is simply one who is inexperienced, shy, or socially inept in some way. Demonizing them like they have been in this thread seems to miss the mark, and may even be harmful in some cases.

I don't think that they mean any harm, they are simply expecting that the friendship will turn into something more over a period of time. Obviously misguided, but for a lot of people, especially those with little to no experience, can you really expect otherwise? Whether they have low esteem, are unattractive, are socially awkward, or whatever, if they have had no luck repeatedly with the "traditional" way, can you blame them for trying something different? It's very likely that the majority of these guys are not conniving, and most certainly are not trying to hold a girl hostage emotionally. For someone who likely struggles with talking to girls at all, do you seriously think they have it in them to be a predator? Obviously some do, but the majority of them? I seriously doubt it.

You make an interesting point about this mostly focusing on inexperienced guys who probably don't know better.

I wonder how much, if at all, this is an instance of one group seeking gratification by trashing a group even lower on the social ladder than they are. Not an unheard of social phenomenon.

Impotent internet feminists actually thinking they're enacting social change by insulting "OK Cupid Nice Guys". Both groups who have probably been through a lot of shit, but one sees themselves as above the other. Yet both are low on the totem pole of societal respect.

 

[Johnny Cage In The Shower]

So many ridiculous presumptions on both sides in this thread that I don't even know where to begin.

"Reveal how you feel from the start."

You don't always start out knowing that you want to date someone. It rarely goes beyond "I'd fuck him/her." at first sight, and as long as nothing vapid or dense spills out of their mouth when you first talk to them, it's hard to make a snap judgement about whether or not you want to be in a relationship with them, outside of that initial "I want to fuck them."

If by "from the start," you mean "after a few dates," or "after X amount of days hanging out," then sure, you might have a point. Jumping to conclusions right away however almost never leads down a happy road.

"You can't be her friend if you want to date her."

Absolute bullshit, to be honest. I've dated plenty of girls who I considered friends. Whether or not they always regarded me in the same fashion, I can't say. I don't think I'd want to date a girl who wasn't, at least on some level, my friend (or at least one who seems like she would make a good friend). You can't exactly blame guys for wanting to date girls who they are good friends with, it seems ridiculous to me that such a statement would even be made at all.

Shocking news, not every guy who asks a good friend out is a manipulative scumbag trying to get some action. In fact, I'd wager that a majority of manipulative scumbags are probably doing things that are much more productive as far as that is concerned, like picking up drunk girls at a party, or preying on girls who are having a rough time. I really doubt that most of them would waste their time establishing a "fake friendship" in order to eventually, maybe, have her reciprocate with sexual favors.

More often than not, I'm willing to bet, the guy who goes into a friendship hoping for a relationship is simply one who is inexperienced, shy, or socially inept in some way. Demonizing them like they have been in this thread seems to miss the mark, and may even be harmful in some cases.

I don't think that they mean any harm, they are simply expecting that the friendship will turn into something more over a period of time. Obviously misguided, but for a lot of people, especially those with little to no experience, can you really expect otherwise? Whether they have low esteem, are unattractive, are socially awkward, or whatever, if they have had no luck repeatedly with the "traditional" way, can you blame them for trying something different? It's very likely that the majority of these guys are not conniving, and most certainly are not trying to hold a girl hostage emotionally. For someone who likely struggles with talking to girls at all, do you seriously think they have it in them to be a predator? Obviously some do, but the majority of them? I seriously doubt it.

I don't know, the whole situation is shitty, and as a guy who used to repeatedly fall into this kind of thing when I was younger, I think that immediately painting them all with the same brush is more than a little silly. I harbored no ill intentions or sinister plans when I tried to approach dating like this, I was merely inexperienced and had little luck with the traditional method of being upfront and forthcoming about my feelings right away. I think we would do well to try and understand why it happens a little better, rather than jumping to silly conclusions that end up hurting everyone involved.

Reading this again, it turned out to be pretty incoherent, but oh well. I just wish people wouldn't be so aggressive and judgmental about any of the people involved a situation like this. It's usually a lot more complicated than it looks on the surface, and many times there are no intended wrongs by any party.

I would also like to post this.

 

[Vermillion]

You make an interesting point about this mostly focusing on inexperienced guys who probably don't know better.

I wonder how much, if at all, this is an instance of one group seeking gratification by trashing a group even lower on the social ladder than they are. Not an unheard of social phenomenon.

Impotent internet feminists actually thinking they're enacting social change by insulting "OK Cupid Nice Guys". Both groups who have probably been through a lot of shit, but one sees themselves as above the other. Yet both are low on the totem pole of societal respect.

Bit of scapegoat theory? Frustration from their status leading to trashing others.

 

[Capital_Five]

Why keep my friends one gender? What a silly idea. I make friends based on who they are, not arbitrary shit like what's between their legs.

Huh? Are you just quoting my most recent post for convenience? Because that's not what I was getting at here. I also don't think I ever said that people should do that or said I explicitly do so. It's not like I have a hard line stance on the issue, I've just never met a women that I wanted to be friends with. With that in mind I have maybe like 10 people I actually consider my friends and everyone else I know are just that, people I know.

 

[AcceptableGhost]

Let's all just have sex.
Everyone with everyone.

 

[Freezie KO]

Bit of scapegoat theory? Frustration from their status leading to trashing others.

Certainly possible. I never knew one of the main goals of Women's Lib was to abolish the fedora until I joined GAF.

 

[Vermillion]

Certainly possible. I never knew one of the main goals of Women's Lib was to abolish the fedora until I joined GAF.

Fuck fedora haters.

 

[ZombieSupaStar]

Hm all my girlfriends have been my best/close friends at the time. I can't honestly remember having an attractive friend that was a girl that was in a friendzone, not that I hit on them 24/7, but I never wrote them off as "just a friend" either.

People make this shit so complicated sometimes.

 

[Wiktor]

Certainly possible. I never knew one of the main goals of Women's Lib was to abolish the fedora until I joined GAF.

Wait, what? That's sounds funny. Explain please

 

[Johnny Cage In The Shower]

I have to say... I'm really glad I don't feel this way. All of my friends are special to me, and if I lost even one of them I'd feel like it was a gap in my life. It might be filled again eventually, but it wouldn't be the exact same.

I'm not sure I subscribe to this type of mentality regarding friendship. I find it kind of naive and dare I say a bit immature.

I would say friends and friendship kind of changes as you mature and grow through life and move from town to town, from school to college, from job to career...from begin single to being married to having children etc. etc.

Some of us are special enough to have friends around from our junior high, heck even kinderagarden days to come over at a Sunday barbecue and play with our kids. But I would think these are very rare exceptions to the rule.

Chances are if you are thirty and over, John, your old College mate that is now a successful investment banker in NYC and Bob from accounting are coming over with their girlfriends/wives to your Barbecue. not Timmy your grade 3 classmate from your old small hometown Wisconsin, just talking out of experience, but heck what do I know.

 

[Lissar]

Certainly possible. I never knew one of the main goals of Women's Lib was to abolish the fedora until I joined GAF.

To be honest, I like fedoras. *shrug*

But I guess people feel it is a symbol of a certain kind of person. Poor fedora, it didn't do anything to deserve this.

I'm not sure I subscribe to this type of mentality regarding friendship. I find it kind of naive and dare I say a bit immature.

I would say friends and friendship kind of changes as you mature and grow through life and move from town to town, from school to college, from job to career...from begin single to being married to having children etc. etc.

Some of us are special enough to have friends around from our junior high, heck even kinderagarden days to come over at a Sunday barbecue and play with our kids. But I would think these are very rare exceptions to the rule.

Chances are if you are thirty and over, John, your old College mate that is now a successful investment banker in NYC and Bob from accounting are coming over with their girlfriends/wives to your Barbecue. not Timmy your grade 3 classmate from your old small hometown Wisconsin, just talking out of experience, but heck what do I know.

I'm 29. I find friends to be a very important part of my life, and have not had an issue where life came between myself and my friends. I haven't often had a chance to make many, and I treasure each that I find. If that is immature, I would certainly prefer to remain immature.

 

[Vermillion]

To be honest, I like fedoras. *shrug*

But I guess people feel it is a symbol of a certain kind of person. Poor fedora, it didn't do anything to deserve this.

First Crystal Bearers now this. I think I might cry.

 

[Freezie KO]

Wait, what? That's sounds funny. Explain please

Here's where people who post on an internet forum dedicated to video games bash nerds with fedoras.

To be honest, I like fedoras. *shrug*

But I guess people feel it is a symbol of a certain kind of person. Poor fedora, it didn't do anything to deserve this.

I don't look good in them personally. But it is interesting how it becomes a go-to insult on GAF, of all places.

 

[hardcastlemccormick]

If you assume you fall for all of them, does that mean that you can't be friends? Or do you just mean that, as soon as one gets an inkling that their feelings are changing, they should communicate it to the other person? I can absolutely agree with the second suggestion. I just understand how, even at the soonest possible opportunity, the situation can still be horrible for both people.

I don't think we're so far off from each other, though. I think we actually agree on quite a bit.

Indeed; it's always about proper communication about topics like these. Thank you for being cordial and striving for understanding.

By what I mean for "assume you'll fall for all of them": Just go ahead and flirt and ask anyone that has even the smallest potential out on a date early. This doesn't stop you from being possible friends! Some of my best friendships were started from light dating that turned into unromantic buddy pal time. But if you go in assuming you'll fall for them, you have a lot more room to navigate later on.

As for the other questions: If I had a friend that I developed some light feelings for, I'd assess the situation. If there was an almost certainty, maybe I'd start amping up the physical touch and teasing and see what happens. If there wasn't a certainty, I likely would blame myself for not seeing the potential for those feelings in the first place and then use that blame and self-anger to make those feelings go away. If they're too heavy, I'd break off the friendship and never confess anything (that would be a lose-lose situation that would go nowhere).

 

[Lissar]

First Crystal Bearers now this. I think I might cry.

We are part of a small, select group of people.

 

[ZombieSupaStar]

I'm not sure I subscribe to this type of mentality regarding friendship. I find it kind of naive and dare I say a bit immature.

I would say friends and friendship kind of changes as you mature and grow through life and move from town to town, from school to college, from job to career...from begin single to being married to having children etc. etc.

Some of us are special enough to have friends around from our junior high, heck even kinderagarden days to come over at a Sunday barbecue and play with our kids. But I would think these are very rare exceptions to the rule.

Chances are if you are thirty and over, John, your old College mate that is now a successful investment banker in NYC and Bob from accounting are coming over with their girlfriends/wives to your Barbecue. not Timmy your grade 3 classmate from your old small hometown Wisconsin, just talking out of experience, but heck what do I know.

yep, aside from facebook and my job (which has someone I knew in high school there), I hang out with 0 people from pre college life.

 

[Byakuya769]

Why keep my friends one gender? What a silly idea. I make friends based on who they are, not arbitrary shit like what's between their legs.

That's why your pokedeck isn't as good as it could be.

 

[Johnny Cage In The Shower]

To be honest, I like fedoras. *shrug*

But I guess people feel it is a symbol of a certain kind of person. Poor fedora, it didn't do anything to deserve this.



I'm 29. I find friends to be a very important part of my life, and have not had an issue where life came between myself and my friends. I haven't often had a chance to make many, and I treasure each that I find. If that is immature, I would certainly prefer to remain immature.

Question is, how long you've known your oldest friend? And on what circumstances you've met these friends? As a 29 year old woman, do you think you still highly value the friendship of some girl or guy you were close friends with in high school? If so why?
Also do you see yourself making new friends in near or not so near future, as your life situations change?

Do you think you may not have time to maintain a tight friendship with your current friends, if you move away with work or for whatever reason, and would that really bother you?

 

[Vermillion]

Hm all my girlfriends have been my best/close friends at the time. I can't honestly remember having an attractive friend that was a girl that was in a friendzone, not that I hit on them 24/7, but I never wrote them off as "just a friend" either.

People make this shit so complicated sometimes.

GAF is filled with plenty of intelligent people, some more old-fashioned, some less. You mix the two in discussion of social trends and you get both sides either obviously opposed or trying to take a neutral view and failing, as their experiece colors their attempted neutrality. Then you have both of them trying to find a neat solution to the problem that really can't apply to all cases.

It's doomed to be complicated far before you even get to the personalities and posting styles, particularly being that no one's face-to-face.

That's not to say the discussion is bad or meaningless, of course.

 

[ZombieSupaStar]

GAF is filled with plenty of intelligent people, some more old-fashioned, some less. You mix the two in discussion of social trends and you get both sides either obviously opposed or trying to take a neutral view and failing, as their experiece colors their attempted neutrality. Then you have both of them trying to find a neat solution to the problem that really can't apply to all cases.

It's doomed to be complicated far before you even get to the personalities and posting styles, particularly being that no one's face-to-face.

That's not to say the discussion is bad or meaningless, of course.

that being said, having a foot fetish has made even the most attractive woman in the world a friend only if shes got hammertime going on, and im not kidding....(sadly) lol.

 

[-COOLIO-]

Why can't they both be up front? Would that cause the universe to explode?

It's really the place of the person who's attracted to the other. Otherwise you'll come off as a douche:

'Hey I'm guessing your totally hot for me. But sorry, not interested."

 

[Vermillion]

that being said, having a foot fetish has made even the most attractive woman in the world a friend only if shes got hammertime going on, and im not kidding....(sadly) lol.

Wait, who has the foot fetish?