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iavi · Jul 27, 2011

The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #31: At Gunpoint.

Note: So... That banner is never coming. I suck.

Theme: At Gunpoint.

Interpret as you wish.

Secondary Objective: Epic Poem.

Epic Poems are long, serious poems that tells the story of a heroic figure. Some of the most famous epic poems are the Iliad and the Odyssey by Homer and the epic poem
of The Song of Hiawatha by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I know that it wasn't too long ago that this one was used, but with the main objective, I feel as if this will make for an interesting contrast.

Bonus Objective: Broetry!

As contemporary poets sing the glories of birds, birch trees, and menstruation, regular guys are left scratching their heads. Who can speak for Everyman? Who will articulate his love for Xbox 360, for Mama Celeste's frozen pizza, for the cinematic oeuvre of Bruce Willis?

Poetry thread Rules version 1.2:
1. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
2. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote.
3. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following two week period. Some weeks like during E3, this may not be possible, so we will have an interim one week period until normality is resumed. As a general rule, we like to keep this on the alternate week to the Creative Writing Thread.
4. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want.
5. Optional secondary objectives are not mandatory, you can include them or not.
6. Further addition to rule five: you can also try the secondary objective as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such.
7. Vote for your favourite poems. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. Don't vote for the same author twice. And watch out for pieces that are labeled ineligible - comments on these pieces labelled as such are welcome but you just can't vote for them. Incidentally, feel free to vote even if you haven't submitted a piece - the more the merrier

iavi · Jul 27, 2011

The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Alumni's Archive

[*]Amir0x - A painful note

[*]AnkitT - Gray Areas, Point of View, I See, Internal Conflict, Sightsee, The Circlejerk, Be Pee, You Expected a Title? Really?, Development Hell, Cover Your Eyes, They Say I Talk in Obsoletes, Collective, Sensory Deprivation, Nuclear Winter, Deception, Cremation, Match Made in Heaven, Nobody Came to Mine, Hot Douche, Asylum, Deadbeat, Happenstance, It's Personal, Everyone becomes a philosopher after 40, Untitled, Fossil

[*]Alarif - Light Blue Reminds Her, Second Movement of Discordia Part 2, Uncanny, The Balloon, Untitled, A Game of Cat, Mouse & Fuck Bioware, Blessed

[*]Ashes1396 - Left and Right, Trouble Belongs to Me, The Head & Tails of it All, Blind Faith, The Brain, the Heart, the Kidneys, Mary Poppins vs. other classic musical sing-a-longs, Epoch encroaching mass atrocity: The Rwandan Genocide, und sex?, Golden Phoenix & River Thames, Nobody has time in the city of London for anyone else, Developers, or a poem written in one go in under ten minutes, Soft dreams treading on winter nights, Live, War Torn Machine, Taking Flight From the Nest, The Abominably Rich Man, Prison, A Pure Winter's Daughter, Mechanical Heart, Frightened Rabbits, The brevity of life, Valentines day is over; see you next year!, Don't be sad John., Speaking to the Bottom of a Bottle, Thief, High Seas, Why Believe in Hope?, Time, my best friend, What a Wonderful World, The path of the hitch hiker who doesn't give a f**k!, Lonesome Boat, Death Likes War, till we awake, Sleeping beauty

[*]Beelzebozo - Letters

[*]Bootaaay - Untitled, "Happy" I muttered, trying to pin the word down, November Rain, Vuvuzela & Untitled, Delirium Tremens, Poor Gary Coleman, Nimbus Watching & Crocodile Tears, An Ode to Oscar (the former life of the party), Nerevarine, Trev & Bill's night out on the town, Bastogne, A Man Out of Time, A Dose of Reality, The Storm, The Tower, Smaug, Winter's Shroud, Gone to Ground, Live to Regret, The Sourceress & Current Affairs, Beneath the Waves, Morning Dew, Sea Spray, In the ink deep blackness of night-time's embrace., Ticker Tack, Vigil, Carousel, Death Rattle, Where the Wind Blows, The Road Yet Travelled, A Summer Death, From the ashes of empires we rose once more, Bloodied & Torn, Crows, Streets of London

[*]Botolf - I Heard Something, The Lights, O Musician

[*]cory - I'm not that Fond of Ramen

[*]Cryptozoologist - Untitled

[*]Cyan - Goals, George Washington & Ashes1396, Adrian Brody, Untitled, Slow, the End

[*]Dartastic - Untitled, Untitled #2, Within - "Fear"

[*]Davedough - Concious Babblings of a Frail Psyche

[*]disappeared - January 27th, maybe tomorrow., Ape Shit, at last

[*]Dresden - Chipping Away at the Statue, Old Callisto, See-Through Lenses, It's always within you, Cristiano Ronaldo & They Call it the Vuvuzela, Alarif, Said the Monkey to the Monk, Galactic Trooper, Expectations, Orange Everywhere In This Bitch, High & Low, Scuttle, Ferry, Untitled

[*]Flink - Your Bed

[*]Freezie KO - My Flag

[*]goldlion054 - The Girl at the Grocery Store, The Abandonned Neighborhood, That Day

[*]half a moon - Untitled

[*]H.B. - I've been tired for a year and ten days

[*]hey_monkey - Afterward, In Summer, Chiggers: A Dream Song, Cyan Hobbes, Just One, Untitled, For Monica, Jeddah is Drowning

[*]Igoritza - Untitled

[*]Irish - Faint, Down the Street & Journeyman, What Have I Done?, B Covers Bread As Well, Never Always, Live the Life, Lock, Mud, Lack of Focus, How It Is..., Ever, Continued, Cement, Went Out, The View

[*]Jangaroo - Tomorrow, Now

[*]John Dunbar - An Ordinary Chap, A Winter Wonderland

[*]kid ness - Me, Coin Flip, The Angry Man, Sandbox King, The Market, Somewhere a World, Lizard

[*]The Lamp - Melanoma

[*]MaxSteel - Poem #1, Interior

[*]Melchiah - Beneath the Flesh

[*]Mike Works - Desire

[*]Miri - Sheath, Entry With Ego, Saboteur. Society. Cycle, As the Sirens Sang in the Halls of He., The "Oh Lordy Lordy Few Forties & an Oz" Sex Mind, Warm, Wild, and Starving, I Am, Upon the Town of Red & Blue. Repeat, Fallen Angel Felled, Wander walks with Lucidia

[*]Monocle - Untitled

[*]More Fun To Compute - Things and stuff

[*]Mudkips - Interior

[*]Nix - Bitter Dreams; Sweet Relief

[*]Neutrality - Goodbyes, Sunne, Vincent

[*]Nightshade1765 - Reterning the key to the Rightful Gatekeeper

[*]PolarBearsClub - Forgetting Birthdays, Guest

[*]Plywood - The Masochist, Again

[*]Plumbob - Untitled, The Witches Wade South, Control, Untitled

[*]Raguel - Untitled

[*]Reneledarker - The Stolen Eternity

[*]ronito - Vespers

[*]Salvor.Hardin - A Weathered Man, A Virgin Afternoon in the Arabian Desert, Of Jungles and Lights, Beyond the Horizon

[*]soul creator - Overanalyze

[*]Snowman Prophet - Indigestion, THE BOOK OF SEGA GENESIS

[*]ThoseDeafMutes - Tab Explosion

iavi · Jul 27, 2011

Alumni's Archive Cont:

[*]Tim the Wiz - All We Humans, More Love, The Waning Earth, Glorious Field, Ut�ya

[*]Timedog - Waves Hitting Rocks (Godfuck), Nothing

[*]Trip Warhawkins - A Meaningless Affair, The Coward Says Goodbye

[*]Truth101 - Partings, Alone we wonder

[*]ULTROS! - Room

[*]umop_3pisdn - Untitled, Cellular Matrix

[*]WanderingWind - Untitled, Untitled

[*]Ward - Puffy Chicken Pickle Chips, A Muddled Puddle

[*]Zamorro - Time Well Spent

[*]Zapages - Prince & Farah Meeting in the Two Thrones

[*]ZephyrFate - Dislocation, ZephyrFate, Niche in the Canyon, Left Behind, Untitled
[/list]

ThLunarian · Jul 27, 2011

Hi, I don't have an on-topic poem. I'm a newb and want to share something I just wrote, but I'm too self conscious to create a separate thread, and I couldn't find one for general critique. Hope you guys don't mind:

What's the difference between hope and moving on?
Is it found in the chorus of a top 40 song?
Is it the look in her eyes when she tells you that it's over
That suggests she'll realize if you can only show her
How perfect you could be, if she just gives you a chance
Patience was never your strong suit, but you always showed romance.

What's the difference between hope and moving on?
Can you find it in the hospital when you're trying to be strong?
Is it determination in your father while he's fighting to survive
And even if he lives, you can't help but to strive
To find some answers as you face your own god damn mortality
Way too early to be fair - you just barely turned twenty.

What's the difference between hope and moving on?
Can you find it in the knowledge that you're right and she is wrong?
Is it the guilt in her voice when you confront her for leaving
Your dad and brother by themselves, when your brother isn't even
An adult, and your father doesn't know how to deal
So he turns to alcohol to numb the pain that he feels
And suddenly your family's a thousand pieces broke
And just when your dad seems better, he has a massive stroke.

What's the difference between hope and moving on?
When you're a child and your mom has cancer, does hope exist at all?
When you don't know any better and you think cancer never spares
But you don't say it because you don't want your family to get scared
And later when you know the truth, and your mom turns out okay
You never forget how it felt to think that she would pass away.
(end)

It's only a rough first draft, and I think the tempo, especially toward the end, could use some work. I'm proud of it though. Any advice or critiques are welcome, thanks.

iavi · Jul 28, 2011

I'll include it in my crits for this challenge.

ThLunarian · Jul 28, 2011

I just whipped this up and figured I would throw it in. This actually is a submission for the challenge based on the primary objective; I ignored the secondary part.

Quick!
Hurry up!
Don't delay
Make your choice!
Be a man
Choose your path
Speak up, son,
Find your voice!

Now!
Time runs short!
Be certain
Don't disjoint
I regret
To inform you
That you are
At gunpoint.

Should I stay?
Should I go?
Speed things up
Or go slow?
Be the best
Or content
To be a
Joe Blow Schmo?

Winding down
It's go time
Could be a bell
Or a chime
Don't matter
What you choose
Just try not
To decline
You must decide
On a choice
No pressure
It's just my point
You gotta speak
Don't forget
That you are
At gunpoint.

iavi · Jul 28, 2011

Oh, cool. That can count as a secondary then.

iavi · Jul 31, 2011

I'm pulling a serious blank on this one. I've got a few ideas, but no real way to execute them. Oh well.

Dresden · Jul 31, 2011

Articulation disregards dessication,
Gravity impels solicitation;
My Xbox Live account got banned today.

Elliptical curves frown as they descend backwards
into the lower declines.
And into those declines I went,
just one among many, another banned account,
a faceless drone in the sea of those
who showed off their dicks online.

I pondered complaining over the phone,
yet considered what I'd done - why did I think they were black?
I cried a little as I went to sleep, pondering
the loss of my achievement points, my KDR in CODBLOPS.

iavi · Aug 1, 2011

"I am Arlevana. I am Villian."

Reaching for her had begun to hurt,
The blue rose bushes thorns would only assert,
That I wasnt at all who those bullets wanted me to be;
Overtly graceful, the girl Id never reach.
Because nothing was ever just enough,
And now its much too late.
They say, You are what you eat, after all.
And I?
Ive long eaten the insults that killed me.
Slowly theyve filled me;
Sour ideals of whoredom;
The bitter excitement of villainy.

iavi · Aug 1, 2011

I'm tempted to do a pretty bro second entry.

Ashes · Aug 2, 2011

What day is it today?

Good to be back in london nonetheless...

iavi · Aug 2, 2011

Ashes1396 said:
What day is it today?

Good to be back in london nonetheless...

Aug 2nd. Plenty o time left on the clock.

iavi · Aug 3, 2011

This week has been flying a little faster than I expected. There's not all that much time left on the clock.

soultron · Aug 3, 2011

At a distance this close
Any weapon would do
But it takes a certain kind of steel
To look a human in the eyes
And have them know the same thing

If the situation were inverse
You'd be the one with the power
To unravel, to uproot
All with a movement powerless by itself
A measure of body transformed into mechanical

And when the matter touched is rearranged
Something will in fact be destroyed
The cycle completed still ripples outward
And propagates even after the sound trails off
To nothingness

I don't know if you know why I am here
I don't know if you'd do the same
But it won't matter once the hammer strikes
When the final few millimetres of your life
Are travelled by my finger

iavi · Aug 3, 2011

A new face! Nice.

dvolovets · Aug 3, 2011

Just out of a curiosity, is there a general NeoGAF poetry thread? I wrote something last night I'd like to share and get some opinions on, but it doesn't fit the gunpoint theme...

British Monsoon · Aug 3, 2011

dvolovets said:
Just out of a curiosity, is there a general NeoGAF poetry thread? I wrote something last night I'd like to share and get some opinions on, but it doesn't fit the gunpoint theme...

There's no specific poetry thread, but feel free to post your poem here anyways and we'll critique it with the others once the deadline has passed.

dvolovets · Aug 3, 2011

Bootaaay said:
There's no specific poetry thread, but feel free to post your poem here anyways and we'll critique it with the others once the deadline has passed.

Alright... here goes nothing! Haha.

An Elegy for a Forgotten Artist

On bookshelves where the dust could settle,
In tomes whose pages sought no friends,
Where most lack mind and heart to meddle,
He found answers, though they made no sense.

They knew the few who cared to see them,
The stays were sadly very brief,
They could do nothing but condemn,
All men who crumbled at their feet.

When he and they were once the same,
Fate turned and looked the other way,
It liked to play a pointless game,
With winners crowned another day.

At brighter times, the glare could blind,
At dusk, lament came out of spite,
The uninvited guest, they'd find,
Would always smite with all its might.

The bard would sing but not believe,
And yet his bitter words were true.
"What did they hope they would achieve?
Now they are those we hardly knew".

In lonely, long-forgotten corners,
The withered ones are rarely desperate,
Belonging to disbanded orders,
They have their long-desired respite.

Ashes · Aug 5, 2011

Rest amongst the lilies

My heart is your heart brother,
you helped me to
take the pen,
make it bleed.

My thoughts are your thoughts brother,
you showed me how to
shuffle the deck,
magic a dove out of the tip.

You taught me how to climb a tree,
tie a knot,
call a girlfriend to be.

I won't forget you,
I realise that now
because you hardly ever forgot me.

I remember that one time,
we flew kites together,
when the trees were shedding leaves,
feel the wind you said,
feel the wind.

That genuine glee in your eyes,
when I flew the kite up high
when I triumphed at mastering an
ageless art,
aye, those were the days,
pretending to smoke ciggies,
tripping billies.

Your son is my favourite nephew,
and I adore my little niece.
I shall do my best with them,
whilst you rest amongst the lilies...

iavi · Aug 5, 2011

Last day! Let's try to get all of the entries in before the deadline passes this time. lol.

British Monsoon · Aug 5, 2011

I am officially stumped, got some ideas for the theme but they'd all suit a story much more than a poem - I'll leave this till the wee hours of the morning, see if sleep deprivation will help spark inspiration

Ashes · Aug 5, 2011

Bootaaay said:
I am officially stumped, got some ideas for the theme but they'd all suit a story much more than a poem - I'll leave this till the wee hours of the morning, see if sleep deprivation will help spark inspiration

True inspiration and dreams are often said to be inseparable...

iavi · Aug 5, 2011

Bootaaay said:
I am officially stumped, got some ideas for the theme but they'd all suit a story much more than a poem - I'll leave this till the wee hours of the morning, see if sleep deprivation will help spark inspiration

I know the feeling. Good luck. I was pulling blanks until an incredibly sudden burst of inspiration myself.

iavi · Aug 6, 2011

I was planning to bump this with a second entry about partying crazy hard and doing all kinds of hoodrat shit, but I have no idea how to that tie that into the core theme atm... so... I'm just going to forget about that and say: Get them in! There's not much time left, people. Really, I don't want to see any of those disqualifications.

Ashes · Aug 6, 2011

Miri said:
I was planning to bump this with a second entry about partying crazy hard and doing all kinds of hoodrat shit, but I have no idea how to that tie that into the core theme atm... so... I'm just going to forget about that and say: Get them in! There's not much time left, people. Really, I don't want to see any of those disqualifications.

.entry official an use to having without threads bumping of ways other are There

¿there Aren't

Aren't there?

SoccerGoaliePro · Aug 6, 2011

LOOK AT THE MIRROR
LOOK AT THE MIRROR
LOOK AT THE MIRROR
LOOK AT THE MIRROR
LOOK AT THE MIRROR
STOP
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
LOOK AT THE MIRROR

FIN

iavi · Aug 6, 2011

Ashes1396 said:
.entry official an use to having without threads bumping of ways other are There

¿there Aren't

Aren't there?

Most definitely. I'm just not all that good at finding them

-Pyromaniac- · Aug 6, 2011

SoccerGoaliePro said:
LOOK AT THE MIRROR
LOOK AT THE MIRROR
LOOK AT THE MIRROR
LOOK AT THE MIRROR
LOOK AT THE MIRROR
STOP
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
LOOK AT THE MIRROR

FIN

that hit my soul

British Monsoon · Aug 6, 2011

A wasp among the hoverflies.

Six leaden shards of metal spat,
jacketed in copper and bronze.
Smoke leaking listlessly into the air
as the man fell down flat
upon the mud mired ground.

The body convulsed once or twice
and then moved no more, still in death,
blood leaking to pool in a grisly puddle.
The horses shying away in terror,
bucking fiercely at their restraints.

He raised his lips to the barrel,
warmth radiating from the metal,
and breathed in the blackened smell.
Coarse, corrosive, burning smoke
that spoke to him only of death.

The watchers looked on in hatred,
wide eyed and staring in his wake.
They had worn their strength like a mask,
but it was paper-thin and failing fast
as the skies clouded and it began to rain.

ChiefKief · Aug 6, 2011

I had no other place to post this, and any criticism would be nice.. I used to write alot and just quit one day.. Starting to get back in the groove..

"He Carries On"

He treads slowly through muck-covered memories
The man with no direction and no intention
Enveloped in the smoke, dazed and confused
He carries on.

Traveling through time, stuck in space
He speaks, but no one listens
Hes surrounded, but all alone
The epitome of misunderstood.

A quiet corner of happiness shows itself
Its destination improbable
How can the window of opportunity
Be so irrelevant?

Continue; slowly, but surely
In no particular direction, with no particular intention
He fades into the mist, without a trace
He carries on.

Amir0x · Aug 6, 2011

bloody bandage, blisters, broken bones
grizzly grimace, ghastly groans.
shotgun shells shimmering sweetly
collapsing corpses crippled completely.

Warriors watching wives, widows wither
Sons salute saviors, sad sisters shiver.
Mighty midnight monsters marching meanly,
crazy cities create children crying cleanly.

Fighting fractures family, fiends, friends;
Exhausted enemies endurance ends.
Alarming atrocities, assembly armed,
hellish harmony however harmed.

Villages vaporized, voices vanishing,
Cold cemeteries cracking; citizens clashing.
Billowing black bodies badly burning,
Late lessons long lasting, liars learning.

edit:

I hope I made it this time. I got 8 minutes according to my clock damn it!

edit 2:

oh it's PST. So I made it with a few hours to spare! Yay!

Neutrality · Aug 6, 2011

Theo Baldwin's Final Entry

An eternity ago I was a child
All crass and unruly
Unfunny and mean
Yet loved and adored
"Beautiful and serene"

Forever has come and gone
I'm left withered and lonesome
Apathetic and rejected
Bemused with this life
It isn't what I expected

Famous is a word best left to kings
Not a man with a pen whom nobody reads.
I've laughed entire years away
And cried decades.

The women were nice, they envied my mind
"With a wit like that you'll do just fine"
They never stayed though.

I'd start from the beginning
But the beginning is too long
Everything is just muddled anyway
These pills, I'm confused.
My wiring is all wrong.

I told to those I wanted to hold
"I will always love you"
If only I could remember the reasons why
"you and I both know that isn't true"

I'm stumbling now.
I can recognize my own mistakes.
I was told of rules as a student
I think I broke them on purpose.

Anyway
To whom it may concern,
I am taking my own life.
This disease, it consumes me
It's taken my soul.
Each breath is a mountain
And I've always been a shitty climber.

Anyway,
I'm departing on my own terms.
Drunk and listening to her sing.
The girl across the street.
Yes Katie my darling, I've loved you from a distance.
And I'm quite content with the fact that your's will be the last face I see.
The last voice I hear.
Before I embark on a journey into the darkness
As I stand at my window
All crass and unruly
Unfunny and mean
Laughing.

iavi · Aug 6, 2011

Amir0x said:
oh it's PST. So I made it with a few hours to spare! Yay!

Haha. Yeah, made it, you did. As did a few more familiar faces.

For everybody else: Only 2 hours left! You can write something something sexy in that amount of time, I'm sure.

Ashes · Aug 6, 2011

goodness gracious me! how do I even begin to compile what's legit or not.

Ashes · Aug 6, 2011

The entries this week:

ThLunarian - "untitled"
Dresden - "Broetry"
Miri - "I am Arlevana. I am Villian."
Soultron - "untitled"
Ashes1396 - "Rest amongst the lilies"
SoccerGoaliePro - "Untitled"
Bootaaay - "A wasp among the hoverflies."
Amir0x - "Battlefield Bliss"
Neutrality - "Theo Baldwin's Final Entry"

Not eligible for voting (crits appreciated)

ThLunarian - untitled
dvolovets - "An Elegy for a Forgotten Artist"
ChiefKief - "He Carries On"

Deadline:

Ashes · Aug 6, 2011

For people new to the thread:

* Crits and votes appreciated.
* To win you have to vote.
* Order your votes like thus:
1.
2.
3.
+ hm, if you have any.
* You have to have written the poem in the week that the challenge is set.
* You can vote even if you don't have an entry. All votes are appreciated.

and last but not least:

It was a bit complicated to compile the entries this week. Just let me know if I've mucked up your entry, and I'll sort it out in a bit...

edit: We have quite a few untitled entries this week; which is a shame as the poems go into the archive at the top of the thread. If you have a title, just let the thread know asap.

And with that time is up for official entries.

Amir0x · Aug 6, 2011

TheLunarian - I definitely got a sense of urgency from the poem. The wordplay was a bit weak but it felt kind of like reading the actual internal debate about someone who may be at gunpoint, willing him/herself to action. So I enjoyed that.

Dresden - "Broetry". This is probably my favorite one in this thread today. Clever, engaging and genuinely funny with a snappy narrative that just works.

Miri - Another good one as usual. Before when I browse these topics you frequently had some of the more enjoyable poems. Not much criticism required.

soultron - i really liked the direction you took, very literal, and it had some good force particularly that two lines. For me when I read it out loud the flow felt a bit off but otherwise a great poem.

Ashes1396 - I loved, loved the various uses of repetition, the beat was fantastic. The message was extremely sentimental/melancholic and, as a result, completely fascinating.

SoccerGoaliePro - This is not my type of poem. The repetition feels unnecessary/forced and it generally just didn't capture my interest.

Bootaaay - Not much needed to say. I thought it was good stuff all around with powerful, direct imagery and an evocative mood.

Neutrality - Wonderful poem. I particularly adored the lines "Each breath is a mountain And I've always been a shitty climber." Just a very effective piece of work.

VOTES

1. Dresden
2. Ashes1396
3. Neutrality

iavi · Aug 7, 2011

Thanks for stepping up to the plate with that compilation post, Ashes. My net went out last night and I wasn't able to conjure one up.

As for everybody else who entered, thanks for participating. And make sure to vote. You can't win if you don't.

I'm going to be doing my crit/votes a bit later.

iavi · Aug 7, 2011

[Crits n Votes!]

ThLunarian (eligible entry) The urgency is palpable, but you need to work on your creativityin wordplay & idea.

Dresden- Broetry This got me, I admit. Its a good bit convoluted, but what hits does so hilariously. Bonus points for nailing the tertiary objective.

Soultron This was an interesting take on the power-hold. However Id suggest that you work on your wordplay, transparency, and cohesiveness. It started very strong, but fell face flat in the two center stanzas, then managed to gather itself into a relatively conclusive finish.

Ashes - Rest Among the Lilies Such a poignant piece. I want to dock it for a bit of heavy-handedness, but I dont know if itd be the same piece without it. Beautiful, really.

Pretending to smoke ciggies brings up such powerful images of an innocent childhood.

SoccerGoaliePro I dont know what to say here. This isnt my type of poem.

Bootaaay "A Wasp Among the Hoverflies" - Incredible image & atmosphere, as usual. But thats all I was able to pull from it. The final stanza on the watchers faux-will began to bring a sense of idea to it, but it wasnt at all given enough breathing room.

Amir0x Battlefield Bliss Incredible wordplay. And absolutely incredible image. It did, however, fall apart towards the endfrom Hellish harmony however harmed, to be specific. Im also still trying to decipher what exactly you meant in that final line. I almost want to say that it deals with the faux infallibility of the common history book, but some clarification on that one would be nice. I really enjoyed it otherwise.

And welcome to the thread! Hope you stick around. Your entries so far have been great.

Neutrality "Theo Baldwin's final Entry" - Some absolutely poignant writing to be had here.

Famous is a word best left to kings
Not a man with a pen whom nobody reads.

Thats so incredibly honest, it cant help but resonate. As did most of your poem--key word being most. I really did feel as if it walked up to a cliff and dove off with the final two stanzas. Really, it was amazing up until that. While the first 2/3 of your piece was heavy-handed in its presentation, it was not only incredibly brutal, but precise in the idea that it wanted to portray. The last 1/3, on the other hand, felt to be for shock, and not much more.

ThLunarian (ineligible entry) This was incredibly strong in feeling, though that also ended up being its weakness. Its much too strong. Kind of like I mentioned in my first crit for you, Id suggest that you try to weave your idea with a bit more subtlety, and if not that, brutal, but creatively worded, honesty. Youre getting there. Stick around and keep writing, Im sure that youll get the hang of it. Youve got the right idea.

Dvolovets An Elegy for a Forgotten Artist The tone, and flow of this piece was spot on. My only suggestion is that you work on your transparency. Almost everything aside from the first stanza felt a bit muddledwell writtenbut muddled, if that makes any sense. I weigh that aspect of poetry the heaviest.

ChiefKief He Carries On There was a sense of feeling to be had, but it was fleeting at best. Your piece was clear in its image, and tone was even throughout, but the creativity wasnt therein image, idea, or wording. You say that youre getting back into the groove, keep it up. You, like ThLunarian seem to have a solid grasp of what youre trying to tell. You just need to work on telling it better.

Votes:

1. Ashes
2. Amir0x
3. Neutrality

HM: Dresden, Bootaaay

Tim the Wiz · Aug 7, 2011

1. Dresden
2. Neutrality
3. Ashes

HM: Bootaaay (Just needed more time, I think.)

iavi · Aug 7, 2011

We've got another deadline on the horizon. This is the last day to vote! Anybody is free to, and it'd be much appreciated, but if you've entered, do so especially. You can't win the challenge if you don't.

Neutrality · Aug 7, 2011

1st. Miri - "I've long eaten the insults that killed me", I love that line.
2nd. Amir0x- Amazing Alliteration Amir0x!
3rd. Ashes - Beautiful.

hm. bootaay

British Monsoon · Aug 8, 2011

Critiques;

TheLunarian - while the formatting helped convey a sense of urgency, I found this hurt the flow of certain lines.

Dresden - I didn't think anyone would nail the secondary, but you certainly did. Like Miri said, it's slightly convoluted but had an excellent rhythm to it.

Miri - excellent and sparse use of rhyme make this piece, as well as some great language. Really enjoyed reading it.

soultron - definitely a powerful piece and you convey the theme well, but I agree that it felt a bit flat, although I really liked some of the lines, 'matter touched is rearranged' for instance.

Ashes1394 - really captures that warm sentimental feeling of the memories and it's all the more powerful for it, the last stanza brings it home perfectly.

Amir0x - very clever alliteration, and although the rhyming keeps up the pace I felt you had to stretch to find the words to make it work. Some great language in this piece however, 'sad sisters shiver' especially.

Neutrality - I'm a bit torn on this piece, I love the use of language and the recall at the end of the final stanza works very well, but it feels a bit meandering and bloated in places, although that also lends it a conversational charm. Like I said, I'm torn.

TheLunarian (inelligable piece) - the format and the repeated line work very well and you convey the message perfectly, the last line is especially powerful. However, while some of your language is excellent, 'a thousand pieces broke' stood out for one, I felt you could have been a bit more adventurous in places and that the 3rd stanza stumbles a bit. Excellent work though, really enjoyed reading it.

dvolovets - you kept up the rhyme well and it was a fun read, the pacing felt somewhat off in places and I'm not fond of the ending, but overall it's a good piece.

ChiefKief - the tone of the piece feels a bit matter-of-fact, but the pace is good and I like the recall of the title. I would have liked to see more language as engaging as 'muck-covered memories', however.

Votes

1. Ashes1396
2. Miri
3. Neutrality

Honourable Mentions; Amir0x, Dresden

iavi · Aug 8, 2011

There's not much time left on the voting clock! Let's try to get them all in. I don't want to see any disqualifications.

ThLunarian · Aug 8, 2011

I don't know enough to try and offer any critique, but here are my votes, based on gut feeling:

1. AmiRox's "Battlefield Bliss"

2. SoccerGoaliePro's untitled

3. Soultron's untitled

soultron · Aug 8, 2011

Compliments and critiques:

ThLunarian (1st & 2nd Entry) -- I think your first poem would work well as a song. I liked the couplets. If every line was shortened a bit, the pacing would be very nice.

The second one felt very rushed, but it worked well with the feeling you were trying to convey. I felt compelled to read through it very quickly because of its formatting.

Dresden (broetry) -- Every last line of a stanza had me chuckling. It makes me wonder what a well-read 12-year-old would sound like on XBL. Then again, I don't think they'd be banned because they'd probably be much more polite. The contrasting imagery was a bit jarring, but that was the goal, I feel. You achieved what you set out to do.

Miri (Villain) -- I really enjoyed the fact that you contained a character transformation in such a short read. The line "...who those bullets wanted me to be..." was absolutely fantastic. This poem taught me that it's good to be bad.

dvolovets (Elegy) -- The imagery was great. The alternating rhyming scheme worked well for you, though I felt some words didn't work well with others -- especially compared to words that followed a very strict rhyming pattern in other stanzas. I still loved the poem itself. The opening imagery was phenomenal.

Ashes1396 (Rest) -- Powerful. Use of past tense and the title hint toward the end quite nicely. I felt that even though there wasn't a very rigid rhyming scheme, something with your formatting and word choice gave it a very nice rhythm.

ChiefKief (He Carries On) -- Repetition of the title worked well. Gave the character an undying spirit that capped off his persistent attitude. Reminds me of people who do thankless work for decades, even though that might not've been your intention. I really liked this poem.

Bootaaay (Wasp) -- Speechless. The imagery is absolutely amazing in this poem. You took the theme quite literally and I really enjoyed it. The opening and the finish are incredible.

Amir0x (Battlefield) -- Alliteration mixed with couplets, altogether with a lot of forward momentum in pacing, made for a great read. The neat thing is that it all works within the confines of the title you chose -- but I also felt it slightly limited the impact, forcing yourself to stick to such a rigid format. I'd still say it's the most technically impressive poem in this contest.

Neutrality (Theo) -- You created such a tragic -- but almost resentful -- character in this poem. I really enjoyed that. Your writing of Theo really threw me for a loop; at times I felt bad for him, some sad, and others I actually was in disgust. Being able to evoke that much emotion in such a short time is a feat in itself. The wordplay was excellent too.

VOTES
1. Bootaaay
2. Neutrality
3. Miri
HM: Amir0x, Ashes, Dresden

I'm kind of a free radical since I don't write very well. My knowledge of poetry is also slightly limited. I'm very amateur when it comes to all of this.:]

iavi · Aug 8, 2011

Only just over an hour left! Get them in.

Neutrality · Aug 8, 2011

soultron said:
I'm kind of a free radical since I don't write very well. My knowledge of poetry is also slightly limited. I'm very amateur when it comes to all of this.:]

I feel the same way.
I'd suspect most of us due.

Dresden · Aug 8, 2011

soultron said:
I'm kind of a free radical since I don't write very well. My knowledge of poetry is also slightly limited. I'm very amateur when it comes to all of this.:]

one of us!

1. bootaay

2. neutrality

3. ashes

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