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StalkerUKCG · Jul 27, 2017

Ne0n said:
But I think I'm done here, nothing more for me to say other than I would hate to live life with the outlook you guys have on the world. It's sad, honestly.

Yup. The assumption that I'm discounting feelings just because I'm looking at the facts provided is ridiculous. I don't have the energy to argue this back and forth when it's pointless.

Rape could have actually happened but if that is the case then GAF certainly can't help. OP and his Wife need to seek help on some level.

Ne0n · Jul 27, 2017

StalkerUKCG said:
Yup. The assumption that I'm discounting feelings just because I'm looking at the facts provided is ridiculous. I don't have the energy to argue this back and forth when it's pointless.

Rape could have actually happened but if that is the case then GAF certainly can't help. OP and his Wife need to seek help on some level.

Exactly this. I haven't ruled anything out.

Ketkat said:
You mean a realistic outlook from those of us who have gone through things similar to this? But no, continue to call someone thinking they were drugged and raped a liar and defending a possible rapist because "its dangerous to accuse an INNOCENT man of rape!" You seriously have no idea what its like to go through something like this so just stop.

At what point have I ever called the OP's wife a liar? Please, it has been pure speculation based on the facts posted in this thread. Also, do not assume anything about my life.

MisterAnderson · Jul 27, 2017

superbeau said:
Hey maybe some of you modern intelligent humans can explain to me: an idiot, how a person can be so blitzed drunk (cuz of course its just unlikely they were drugged, that's crazy) they black out with no memory of the night before but still have a one night stand? How would this person consent to the one night stand while being so incredibly drunk not drugged?

I mean I just want to understand.

You do realize that being black out drunk doesn't mean you're passed out, right? You're still a human being doing things and making choices, you just end up having no memory of the choices being made and your judgement is heavily impaired.

Even if someone doesn't have the intentions of hooking up with someone else prior to blacking out, that doesn't mean that it's impossible it could have happened in that window of time, and unfortunately they would have had no memory of it whatsoever (if they were completely blacked out drunk). Sometimes people get really drunk to the point that they have no memory initially, and then when an event is described to them the next day it comes back to them. That's not quite blackout drunk, though.

After reading through the OP and all the comments/etc., I don't think there's enough information to conclude one way or another, but there's no reason to assume she's lying about anything since it sounds like she simply doesn't remember due to the fact that she blacked out (whether from drinking too much or drugs is impossible to know). I think it's equally possible that a one night stand took place during that time frame since, if she did in fact drink too much bad mistakes can happen or a rape could have also possibly occurred.

Hazmat · Jul 27, 2017

Cat in the Hat said:
OP you are completely wrong for posted this on the internet( a videogame website at that). What the fuck is your problem? Talk to a professional you idiot.

What the fuck is your problem? A member of our community shouldn't come to us with a problem he has? The worst thing about a problem like this is feeling like you can't talk about it, like no one would listen. No one is an idiot for reaching out for help.

OP, I can't help you. You and your wife should probably seek counseling, but I'm sorry that this is happening to you. The two of you have a good relationship and a good family, hold onto that.

Spyware · Jul 27, 2017

This is not about this single anonymous guy. He's completely irrelevant. He could have been a perfect gentleman who left as soon as he realised she was smashed/drugged/whatever or he could be a rapist.
The problematic thing is saying women make up rape situations because they regret a one night stand (in general) and that "rapists don't don't do this or that" (in general). News flash: spiked drinks are scarily common, rapes are much more common than made up stories and anyone can be a rapist.

Rapists are not a group that do specific things a specific way aside from having sex with people without consent.

This thread makes me really sad. I hope OP can handle it better than me.

As for everyone who's saying he should seek professional help instead of posting here should probably read the OP:

OG Shaka Zulu said:
I am taking posters' advice of remaining sober and seeking therapy (i needed therapy before this anyway but this news has me going crazy). We are on vacation with some friends so I won't have access to any help for two weeks, which is why I made the thread.

OP needs to vent and this is not uncommon on NeoGAF. Stop acting like no one can help and give good advice how to cope for two weeks.

superbeau · Jul 27, 2017

MisterAnderson said:
You do realize that being black out drunk doesn't mean you're passed out, right? You're still a human being doing things and making choices, you just end up having no memory of the choices being made and your judgement is heavily impaired.

and if you wake up naked with the number of man you don't know and a watch you don't own, would you feel scared? Anxious about not knowing? Are you comfortable saying this hypothetical person is fully capable of consenting to any activity with any stranger that happens upon them?

Also:

superbeau said:
It's weird so many of you dismiss drugging so out of hand since that's exactly what this sounds like a hundred times over. Drugging people is incredibly common. Rampantly common. Hundreds of people will drugged today alone. In 2009 almost 15000 drugging victims visited the ER. People do this all the time.

Ketkat · Jul 27, 2017

Ne0n said:
At what point have I ever called the OP's wife a liar? Please, it has been pure speculation based on the facts posted in this thread. Also, do not assume anything about my life.

Right here?

Ne0n said:
Sounds to be like your wife was there, and had a cheeky shag with a random bloke, i mean she was single. wouldn't dwell on it at all and move on, only gonna drive you insane,

Ne0n · Jul 27, 2017

Very selective quoting there.

I also said this, in the same post.

Ne0n said:
Considering he left his number and name, Not really something a rapist would do.. there's a certain level of wasted everyone can get, I think we've all been there, where literally anything goes, you're so blasted and don't remember anything but you seem totally coherent to people. It's the WORST kind of fucked up you can be.

I was speculating on what POSSIBLY MIGHT have happened whilst she was black out drunk.. The wife said she has no memory of the night, I am not saying she was a liar, she doesn't have any memory, I am filling in the gaps with PURE SPECULATION..

My aim was to actually try and make the OP feel better.

Jeronimo Jones · Jul 27, 2017

Spyware said:
As for everyone who's saying he should seek professional help instead of posting here should probably read the OP:

OP needs to vent and this is not uncommon on NeoGAF. Stop acting like no one can help and give good advice how to cope for two weeks.

I read the OP, and while there's a slim chance some good advice OP hasn't already considered could come from this, there's a 100% chance posters will instead debate over opinions and thoughts peripheral to helping OP.

Kor of Memory · Jul 27, 2017

superbeau said:
and if you wake up naked with the number of man you don't know and a watch you don't own, would you feel scared? Anxious about not knowing? Are you comfortable saying this hypothetical person is fully capable of consenting to any activity with any stranger that happens upon them?

So I go out for a night of drinking. I'm having a good night. I wake up the next morning. Don't remember the night before hardly at all. I'm naked in my bed, alone. I have a name and phone number beside me. I don't feel like I've had sex.

Why is my conclusion from this scenario that I've been raped?

Like, it's confusing to me that the person can feel like they didn't have sex, but still feel like they were raped?

I'm legitimately trying to understand where the trauma is coming from here. Like, this seems like such an odd story to tell. I hate bringing this up because I despise victim blaming, but I just don't understand, and it's so hard to get people to actually explain anything like this to you without turning into an asshole about it.

Ne0n · Jul 27, 2017

Be careful with all that sound logic there Kor, you might be labeled as some kind of rape apologist.

superbeau · Jul 27, 2017

Kor of Memory said:
So I go out for a night of drinking. I'm having a good night. I wake up the next morning. Don't remember the night before hardly at all. I'm naked in my bed, alone. I have a name and phone number beside me. I don't feel like I've had sex.

Why is my conclusion from this scenario that I've been raped?

Like, it's confusing to me that the person can feel like they didn't have sex, but still feel like they were raped?

I'm legitimately trying to understand where the trauma is coming from here. Like, this seems like such an odd story to tell. I hate bringing this up because I despise victim blaming, but I just don't understand, and it's so hard to get people to actually explain anything like this to you without turning into an asshole about it.

So again, she felt scared. She felt violated. OP says she may have been raped. She doesn't feel like she was penetrated. She feels she was drugged. Which is scary. She has no idea what happened, or what could have happened. Which is scary. Having a penis shoved in your vagina or anus isn't the only typed of assault. Imagining what might have happened (oral, touching, pictures) is scary. She felt scared. She bottled it up and finally had to tell her husband because it was distressing. It's awesome you would be totally cool if this happened to you. She was scared. If I'm being curt, it's because it seems like the people I'm replying to are completely ignoring how she felt and for some reason are really sticking to this "one night stand" theory which again, ignores her account.

lightskintwin · Jul 27, 2017

superbeau said:
So again, she felt scared. She felt violated. OP says she may have been raped. She doesn't feel like she was penetrated. She feels she was drugged. Which is scary. She has no idea what happened, or what could have happened. Which is scary. Having a penis shoved in your vagina or anus isn't the only typed of assault. Imagining what might have happened (oral, touching, pictures) is scary. She felt scared. She bottled it up and finally had to tell her husband because it was distressing. It's awesome you would be totally cool if this happened to you. She was scared. If I'm being curt, it's because it seems like the people I'm replying to are completely ignoring how she felt and for some reason are really sticking to this "one night stand" theory which again, ignores her account.

Blacking out and not remembering what happened last night is a scary feeling. I've went through it multiple times. That's why people are explaining to you the concept of Blacking out and having a 'one night stand" as a POSSIBILITY.

Nobody is claiming it as a CERTAINTY.

Kor of Memory · Jul 27, 2017

superbeau said:
So again, she felt scared. She felt violated. OP says she may have been raped. She doesn't feel like she was penetrated. She feels she was drugged. Which is scary. She has no idea what happened, or what could have happened. Which is scary. Having a penis shoved in your vagina or anus isn't the only typed of assault. Imagining what might have happened (oral, touching, pictures) is scary. She felt scared. She bottled it up and finally had to tell her husband because it was distressing. It's awesome you would be totally cool if this happened to you. She was scared. If I'm being curt, it's because it seems like the people I'm replying to are completely ignoring how she felt and for some reason are really sticking to this "one night stand" theory which again, ignores her account.

Okay, I get the scared thing. But I feel like this more resembles a natural fear of the unknown. Like, not knowing what happened is scary, but what good does assuming the worst do for you?

If anything, I would think this is what the wife needs to talk to someone about. It's not healthy to assume the absolute worst thing has happened to you. This can lead to serious problems with paranoia. If she really is set on the raped thing, then I would almost feel like there is something else she is holding onto that she isn't sharing because she isn't ready yet, and again, needs to talk to someone professionally. But if the information we've been given in this thread, is really all there is to this, then I think the best thing she could do is make peace with it herself. Submit to not knowing what happened, and leave it at that. Constantly asking yourself, "What if I was raped," or "What if I was drugged," or "What if he put his dick in my mouth" isn't constructive at all.

superbeau · Jul 27, 2017

lightskintwin said:
Blacking out and not remembering what happened last night is a scary feeling. I've went through it multiple times. That's why people are explaining to you the concept of Blacking out and having a 'one night stand" as a POSSIBILITY.

Nobody is claiming it as a CERTAINTY.

and what I'm saying being drunk enough to black out and going "aw cheeky shag" is offensive when that makes consent unlikely. I'm trying really hard to get across repeatedly that wife's account of drugging sounds a thousand times more likely so it's incredibly weird to see so many posters on the "one night stand" train like they're solving a mystery. People replying to me with hypothetical consent posts get answered why I think it's scary to play that game. I have been quite snotty to Neon and Night Ninja but they were incredibly gross.

lightskintwin · Jul 27, 2017

superbeau said:
and what I'm saying being drunk enough to black out and going "aw cheeky shag" is offensive when that makes consent unlikely. I'm trying really hard to get across repeatedly that wife's account of drugging sounds a thousand times more likely so it's incredibly weird to see so many posters on the "one night stand" train like they're solving a mystery. People replying to me with hypothetical consent posts get answered why I think it's scary to play that game. I have been quite snotty to Neon and Night Ninja but they were incredibly gross.

The wife may have never experienced blacking out before and has attributed it to being drugged. The same way she's attributing not knowing what happened to getting raped.

I'm not saying this is what happened, but given the facts in the OP, could very well be a POSSIBILITY since we're uncertain and the OP wants our various opinions on the matter to help give him a well rounded and thoughtful assessment of the situation.

Kor of Memory · Jul 27, 2017

superbeau said:
and what I'm saying being drunk enough to black out and going "aw cheeky shag" is offensive when that makes consent unlikely. I'm trying really hard to get across repeatedly that wife's account of drugging sounds a thousand times more likely so it's incredibly weird to see so many posters on the "one night stand" train like they're solving a mystery. People replying to me with hypothetical consent posts get answered why I think it's scary to play that game. I have been quite snotty to Neon and Night Ninja but they were incredibly gross.

Talking about rape at all is such a fucking tightrope act.

Like, trying to avoid Witchhunting and Victim Blaming, while at the same time trying to be empathetic, but also logical...

I mean... good fucking luck with that.

Peltz · Jul 27, 2017

OG Shaka Zulu said:
I also feel guilty since if I weren't such a lousy partner then, we would have never broken up and would have been together that night.

There's no use in feeling guilty. It's a wasted emotion, especially in this context. People separate and break up all the time and stuff like this doesn't happen. If it did happen, it wasn't in your control and it's not your fault.

You can feel sad about it - she's the mother of your children and your partner, so it's natural to feel that way. But guilt isn't healthy or appropriate in this context. And you should not hold onto that feeling.

superbeau · Jul 27, 2017

Kor of Memory said:
Okay, I get the scared thing. But I feel like this more resembles a natural fear of the unknown. Like, not knowing what happened is scary, but what good does assuming the worst do for you?

If anything, I would think this is what the wife needs to talk to someone about. It's not healthy to assume the absolute worst thing has happened to you. This can lead to serious problems with paranoia. If she really is set on the raped thing, then I would almost feel like there is something else she is holding onto that she isn't sharing because she isn't ready yet, and again, needs to talk to someone professionally. But if the information we've been given in this thread, is really all there is to this, then I think the best thing she could do is make peace with it herself. Submit to not knowing what happened, and leave it at that. Constantly asking yourself, "What if I was raped," or "What if I was drugged," or "What if he put his dick in my mouth" isn't constructive at all.

It's not constructive to do that but what is constructive is working through the emotions of why you feel this way. This is brand new for OP. He's going to have work this like it just happened. It sounds like his hasn't been working through much. I think an important part of advocacy is understanding that people need time to understand themselves and they need time to cope. It won't be rational to someone looking in a lot of times but I hope we can be empathetic.

Dekmental · Jul 27, 2017

Kor of Memory said:
So I go out for a night of drinking. I'm having a good night. I wake up the next morning. Don't remember the night before hardly at all. I'm naked in my bed, alone. I have a name and phone number beside me. I don't feel like I've had sex.

Why is my conclusion from this scenario that I've been raped?

Like, it's confusing to me that the person can feel like they didn't have sex, but still feel like they were raped?

I'm legitimately trying to understand where the trauma is coming from here. Like, this seems like such an odd story to tell. I hate bringing this up because I despise victim blaming, but I just don't understand, and it's so hard to get people to actually explain anything like this to you without turning into an asshole about it.

Too much logic for this thread mate.

superbeau · Jul 27, 2017

lightskintwin said:
The wife may have never experienced blacking out before and has attributed it to being drugged. The same way she's attributing not knowing what happened to getting raped.

I'm not saying this is what happened, but given the facts in the OP, could very well be a POSSIBILITY since we're uncertain and the OP wants our various opinions on the matter to help give him a well rounded and thoughtful assessment of the situation.

I'm saying for someone not prone to blacking out, and has never blacked before, with how stupid high the number is of people drugged, it is ridiculous for multiple posters to come in here with the possibility for the first time she had an alcohol blackout to so coincidentally wind up naked with no memory. The OP also clearly said not to discount his wifes account of that and to post that this was a cheating event was unwanted.

superbeau · Jul 27, 2017

Dekmental said:
Too much logic for this thread mate.

Drop some on me.

JoJoShabadoo · Jul 27, 2017

This thread should probably be locked IMO. It's already steered far from the OP's intention in less than 2 pages and there's a lack of important details for people to do anything but speculate. Also it's a sensitive matter for some users.

E92 M3 · Jul 27, 2017

JoJoShabadoo said:
This thread should probably be locked IMO. It's already steered far from the OP's intention in less than 2 pages and there's a lack of important details for people to do anything but speculate. Also it's a sensitive matter for some users.

This thread shouldn't even exist. Damn, dude, this is your wife you're talking about. Have some respect for her privacy. This kinda stuff shouldn't be shared on a public forum without proper consent.

Kor of Memory · Jul 27, 2017

E92 M3 said:
This thread shouldn't even exist. Damn, dude, this is your wife you're talking about. Have some respect for her privacy. This kinda stuff shouldn't be shared on a public forum without proper consent.

Come on man. He's already explained why he is talking about it on a forum, and that his wife knows he is talking about it on here.

Prophaniti · Jul 27, 2017

Kor of Memory said:
Come on man. He's already explained why he is talking about it on a forum, and that his wife knows he is talking about it on here.

It shouldn't exist for lots of reasons though.

JoJoShabadoo said:
This thread should probably be locked IMO. It's already steered far from the OP's intention in less than 2 pages and there's a lack of important details for people to do anything but speculate. Also it's a sensitive matter for some users.

aBarreras · Jul 27, 2017

again, why would the wife lie about having a one night stand 10 years ago??????

i know there have been cases of women regreting a one night stand and then call it rape, but i simply dont see this being the case with what ops is saying, i mean, would the OP suddenly leave her and their kids just because she had sex while they were broken up?

im guessing not. so why do lie about it

Prophaniti · Jul 27, 2017

aBarreras said:
again, why would the wife lie about having a one night stand 10 years ago??????

i know there have been cases of women regreting a one night stand and then call it rape, but i simply dont see this being the case with what ops is saying, i mean, would the OP suddenly leave her and their kids just because she had sex while they were broken up?

im guessing not. so why do lie about it

JoJoShabadoo said:
there's a lack of important details for people to do anything but speculate.

Just gonna double qoute this bit

The Illiterati · Jul 27, 2017

I find airing your wife's possible horrible memories out in public to be disgusting. I haven't read the thread at all, I hope the whole thing gets wiped. Who wants to go online and find out their partner is sharing their traumatic private event on a message board?

Kor of Memory · Jul 27, 2017

aBarreras said:
again, why would the wife lie about having a one night stand 10 years ago??????

i know there have been cases of women regreting a one night stand and then call it rape, but i simply dont see this being the case with what ops is saying, i mean, would the OP suddenly leave her and their kids just because she had sex while they were broken up?

im guessing not. so why do lie about it

Go back through and read the thread.

The event happened 10 years ago. Most people would admit to not being able to remember fine details 10 years from the past.

The wife woke up, alone, in her own bed, with no clothes on, and a name and phone number beside her, and said that she didn't feel like she had sex.

It's not so much that people think she is lying. It's that the information given to us doesn't add up to Rape necessarily.

smoothj · Jul 27, 2017

This is pointless to be honest. I'm sorry OP and his wife had to go through that but nothing said here will solve anything.

MisterAnderson · Jul 27, 2017

aBarreras said:
again, why would the wife lie about having a one night stand 10 years ago??????

i know there have been cases of women regreting a one night stand and then call it rape, but i simply dont see this being the case with what ops is saying, i mean, would the OP suddenly leave her and their kids just because she had sex while they were broken up?

im guessing not. so why do lie about it

I know that a few people have come in trying to suggest she's covering some hookup with this story, but I think most of us aren't claiming she lied and are just stating the fact that since she literally doesn't remember what happened, and she was drinking that night, that it isn't out of the realm of possibility that she simply doesn't remember having a drunken hookup.

But again, it could have also been rape. With the information we've been provided, neither us, nor the OP and his wife, can know for sure.

E92 M3 · Jul 27, 2017

Kor of Memory said:
Come on man. He's already explained why he is talking about it on a forum, and that his wife knows he is talking about it on here.

Ok than that's cool I guess.

Flo_Evans · Jul 27, 2017

Alcohol is a hell of a drug.

I've had nights where I have no memories and people said I was talking and holding a normal conversation with them.

I never used to black out either, then I got older. Happens more and more. I don't drink as regularly so a wild night out can really do me in.

Its possible she was drugged but its also possible she doesn't recall drinking more than normal.

With no evidence of intercourse, no reliable memory of amount consumed and leaving the watch and number its hard to suspect rape.

None of that really matters though because it is that not knowing that is causing you grief.

OG Shaka Zulu · Jul 27, 2017

I am out and busy all day so I will return back to the thread later. Just keep things respectful, I've already explained that my wife has no reason to lie about things. We have been very honest about any past cheating, people we've dated while apart, and any hookups.

I appreciate most of the responses here. I will look back to see if this was explained already but what has always bothered her is this night wasn't even near a top 10 consumption night and any blacking out/blank memory thing has never happened. Her and her homegirls before we met used to drink a lot back in college and they always had each other's back if some guy was a trying to leave with one. I will go through the thread but thanks for the responses.

Raiden · Jul 27, 2017

D6AMIA6N said:
You honestly thought to yourself GAF is your best bet in dealing with this?

There are always people like you in threads like this.

OP just wants a way to vent and hear some opinions. What do you think everybody on neogaf lives in their moms basements with no outside experience at all?

OG Shaka Zulu · Jul 28, 2017

As ridiculous as this thread got at times, it has been very helpful for me. Thanks to the mature posters for sharing their insight, opinions, and experiences. I will go to therapy as soon as I get home and continue loving and supporting my wife and family. This doesn't change anything between us and I will try my best to tackle my feelings in a positive and constructive manner.

Thank you Modbot for closing the original thread quickly and the posters telling me to get sober ASAP. It made me take a step back, I could have seriously messed my life up that night.

The mods can close this thread. Thanks!

Sho_Nuff82 · Jul 28, 2017

Ne0n said:
How can you be blackout drunk and know for certain you didn't consent though?..People do insane stuff when they are blackout drunk, from headbutting your nan to the classic of sleeping with a random person you met that same night.

The next day when people tell you that you thunder-butted grandma across the room because she changed the tv channel, you'd say 'that's not possible, no way would I ever do that'. But you did it.

You can't legally consent when blackout drunk. The two are mutually exclusive.

Two blackout drunk people can't realistically have sex.

Preezy · Jul 28, 2017

Raiden said:
There are always people like you in threads like this.

OP just wants a way to vent and hear some opinions. What do you think everybody on neogaf lives in their moms basements with no outside experience at all?

Wait don't answer that.

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