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Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
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BigEvilTurtle
Banned
Was supposed to be going to a Lindsey Stirling concert tomorrow night. Meet 'n' greet. Paid about a hundred bucks for tickets.
Can't go now because I have the fucking dumbest relationship ever. Fuck everything. I'm sick of everything that could make me happy being shit on every fucking time.
Can't go now because I have the fucking dumbest relationship ever. Fuck everything. I'm sick of everything that could make me happy being shit on every fucking time.
Collete
Member
What happened with her?
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
Her mom, a few months ago, bought her and her sister tickets to go. My girlfriend and I both decided that I'd get tickets as well and just meet up. Well, she ended up hiding the fact that I'd be going from her mom for months. She just confessed to her mom a few days ago and she was really pissed. If I went, I'd probably spend it by myself. If I tried to meet up with Christina (my girlfriend), her sister would act like a little brat the whole time ruining the concert for both of us. Plus, the drive is three hours and I'm too nervous to drive that far by myself (because I thought I'd just be able to ride with her after her parents found out).
Should have never hid it from her parents and I didn't want to, but Christina did and now I can't go. I'm really upset and she feels awful, but whatever. I'm used to this. No one cares how I feel.
EDIT: Apologies if I'm not coherently articulating my thoughts. I'm really upset.
Collete
Member
Well your girlfriend does feel bad about it so she at least understand it hurts you and her though. If no one cared, your girlfriend wouldn't feel awful in the first place, now would she? And I'm also replying to you, so I do care at the very least. But have you asked her why she delayed telling her mother for so long?
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
Thank you Oomikami, that really means a lot. Christina has a bit of an aversion to conflict, so she avoids it as best as possible. She figured telling her mom in advance would cause her to get grounded or something. I'm not sure if the situation was really salvageable since her mom, when it comes to my feelings, is uncaring. I must say, a lot of my unhappiness stems from my difficult relationship. I love Christina more than anything, though, so I'm powering through it.
You'd previously mentioned that you have a boyfriend, yes? You should know that, aside from all of us (including myself) caring about you... I'm sure your boyfriend does as well. You truly mean a lot to many people. Even if you're not aware of it.
Collete
Member
Sounds like me when it comes avoiding conflict with my own boyfriend...I usually can't argue with him because it's rare he can change from his own side. Which I prefer not getting involved in them in the first place. Try not to focus on her mother however. Her caring about can be a factor against your relationship, but at the end of the day, it's about you and Christina, not you and her mother. Just know your limits when it comes to powering through, we can love so much before we tap through our own limits and realize we exhausted ourselves in the end.
It's complicated...
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
Thank you. You're right.
You know, life itself is very complicated and difficult. Even so, you're loved. I don't know you on a personal level, but I know for a fact you're loved. A lot of people need you, Oomikami. To leave would be a disservice to yourself and many others.
Oomi is smart.
Collete
Member
It's fine if it's a disservice to me as long I just don't exist in this world anymore...
Bagels...=_=
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
But you're awesome! If you went away, it would be like removing puppies from existence. No one wants that. /: I think, if you dug deep enough, you'd find a part of you that loves life. But I doubt I'll ever understand what you're going through, so just know we're all here for you and care.
Collete
Member
I'm no where near the value as puppies.
There is nothing that is worthy of loving life for me.
But I said in the past, at the end of the day I'm the one going to bed alone...experiencing mind numbing depression and when I wake up, it's just the same...Never having anyone to love me back...or reciprocating feelings to people I love...
"I just want to break this crown, but it's hard when I'm so run down."
Some day I'm just going to fucking break it and be done with this life...
Maybe you can get a job at a restaurant or a retail job or something. Yes, it's shitty and the pay sucks but it's something. I like you Corky. You're funny as hell always making me laugh. Your screenshots in the screenshot thread are awesome. You are a cool guy in my opinion.
There are people that care about you even if it doesn't seem that way. Depression is a deceiver. It fools us into believing that we are not loved. That we are hopeless. That death is the only escape. It's not true. It's never been true. Even the most depressed person can be helped.
Collete
Member
That's because there are no friends that care about me, I'm just replaceable and dispensed easy.
I'm losing everyone around me and I don't seem to fucking care. All my close friends. And my heart is just weighted as stone.
I just don't fucking care...Not anymore...I'm just waiting for death to come at me and make a quick blow...
I like to think that too Smiley. I have no friends in "real life". Some aquaintances but barely even that. I'm glad that at least I have a community that I can feel like I belong to.
Are you me? I have some classmates and coworkers that I like to call friends, but who really aren't, as we only hang out... well, at work or during/after/before class. That's about it. Sometimes text, but then it's mostly me initiating it.
I'm you from a terrifying alternate reality where you are a Kings fan.
I feel you bro things can get pretty lonely when you have no friends. I burned my share of bridges too but I never meant to. "Now this bridge is ashes. It might as well have never been built."
I'm you from a terrifying alternate reality where you are a Kings fan.
I feel you bro things can get pretty lonely when you have no friends. I burned my share of bridges too but I never meant to. "Now this bridge is ashes. It might as well have never been built."
oh god, that is truly terrifying.
I burned my bridge (well, physically) with my one best friend when I decided to move to Canada, so we're physically 11h of flying apart
So... yeah! And my second bridge with my best friend got burned down too, because that was my now ex. Woheeeee
Collete
Member
Not all friends on here you talk to on a daily basis.
Not all friends would call you up if something has happened.
Not all friends truly care.
What I meant the good friends I talk to on a daily basis. The ones that actually care enough to do that stuff.
I've let my (short) height to basically control my life. I'm obssesive about it. It has always affected me, but I think never to the degree it does now. The first thing I think on the morning and the last before falling asleep is how short I am and how do I wish I was taller. Leaving my house/student room is just painful now, I can't help feel like crap everytime I see guys taller than me (which is everyone and all the time).
Because of this I thing I'm developing or I have developed avoidant personality disorder, the symptoms just fit. I just don't leave my room except for going to university classes, and those moments where I'm walking among other students are just very shitty, with me being the shortest around and with a big difference between me and the next short guy. I try to avoid groups of people, going out and almost everything. I've been having headaches daily now, but I don't know if it is related, even though they do show up when I'm having all these thoughts about my height, like just right now when I'm writing this.
...
Because of this I thing I'm developing or I have developed avoidant personality disorder, the symptoms just fit. I just don't leave my room except for going to university classes, and those moments where I'm walking among other students are just very shitty, with me being the shortest around and with a big difference between me and the next short guy. I try to avoid groups of people, going out and almost everything. I've been having headaches daily now, but I don't know if it is related, even though they do show up when I'm having all these thoughts about my height, like just right now when I'm writing this.
...
That's tough, man. I'm 5'6" or 5'7", which I guess is on the short side of average height. My wife is a hair under 5' even, which I'm guessing is closer to your height. For some reason, I ended up with a lot of friends over 6 feet tall. My wife's best friend (and maid of honor at out wedding) is 6'1". The guy we named our son after was 6'2". I guess I live in a strange state of flux between feeling extra short (next to my tall friends) and maybe actually a bit tall (when I'm with my wife).
My answer to these kind of things is always that you have to own it, whatever the characteristic is that you're unhappy with. We all have them - I can tell you a dozen things that I don't like about my appearance with absolutely zero thought. Give me some time and I can list 3 times that, probably.
In general, I don't think I've ever met someone who I thought was genuinely attractive who actually believed that to be the case. We're all insecure about how we look - if you aren't, odds are you're a douche.
If you look at people who are really, really funny, you'll often hear the same story - they developed humor as a defense mechanism because they were fat, skinny, scrawny, somehow funny-lookin', too short, too tall, etc. as kids. If people are going to say stupid shit about you being short, and you know they will, it's a chance to have a laugh or, if you're not feeling that charitable, make them look really fucking stupid.
Being sensitive to something that you cannot change isn't doing anybody any good. I say that knowing full well that I'm overly sensitive about things about myself. But for many things that I got teased about (being short, having thick glasses, having hairy legs), I can easily make better jokes about myself than other people can. You don't want to go too far, into self parody (I had a short friend who did that and it basically made things worse), but if you can develop that "I'm short. Who gives a fuck?" attitude, and be confident in the face of teasing, you're set.
This is a goofy example, but I was talking to a friend, so I wasn't trying to turn the conversation against him. So anyway, we were talking about...I don't know what, but he made some crack about me being short, har har. It was done in a joking, friendly way, as I joke about being short pretty regularly. My response was something like, "Dude, Yuri Gagarin was 5'3". You know why they chose him to go into space? Because there's no room for some gangly-ass motherfucker like you. You don't fit in the seats in the fucking campus shuttle bus!" Which is admittedly nerdy and weird (I should add that his actual #1 dream is to go to Mars, which would make me a bad friend if they still only used short people as astronauts), but a) it does bring up a distinct advantage of being short (I can fly coach in something approaching comfort, provided I'm not sitting next to some stupid tall person), b) I got some big laughs, and c) most people expect you to just turn red. Almost no one is ready for you to be totally fine with whatever it is they're talking about, let alone turn things back on them.
There is the more passive kind of embarrassment, where no one is saying anything about you being short, but you feel like it's something they're thinking. A more proactive approach works wonders. I learned a lot about this from my wife. She gets a lot of mileage out of the fact that she often has to buy shoes in kids' sizes. Any time shoes come up (women are always talking about each others' shoes for some reason), she can say, "I had to get these in a kids' size," which breaks down some wall where people realize that she's not going to cry or something if people ask her about being short. It's funny because many tall people, particularly the tall women I know, are really sensitive about their giant clown feet (suck it, tall people!). Bringing up foot size alters the power dynamic in this subtle way. It took me a long time to figure out why talking about her small feet generally steered things away from the "wow, you're short" talk.
You have to make peace with these things. It takes time, but you can start in safe situations, with friends. If there's an opportunity to joke about being short, try it. You'll gain confidence and eventually, it might not bother you so much.
Cameron122
Member
A few months ago I had the dosage upped on my ADD and depression medication. I'm the happiest I've ever been and now have straight A grades in my schooling. However, I feel like I'm cheating. Have any of you ever had this conflict?
*internet-hug*
If only I had half the GAF buddies in real life. I would love to meet up with people and just faff about... too bad I live in the middle of nowhere.
trab pu kcip
Member
you mean cheating like cheating on your emotions/state of mind?
I think he means "cheating" as in "getting an unfair advantage through chemicals".
But.. It's not cheating. The chemicals are getting you to a NORMAL state of mind. You're not a person that's "normal" and takes the medication to become better and cheat, you're a person who was legitimately in need of the medication to become normal.
Think of it is you've let go of your disadvantage and now you have the same opportunity as everyone else. And it turns out, you're pretty damn good at what you do!
trab pu kcip
Member
I think he means "cheating" as in "getting an unfair advantage through chemicals".
But.. It's not cheating. The chemicals are getting you to a NORMAL state of mind. You're not a person that's "normal" and takes the medication to become better and cheat, you're a person who was legitimately in need of the medication to become normal.
Think of it is you've let go of your disadvantage and now you have the same opportunity as everyone else. And it turns out, you're pretty damn good at what you do!
yup, would've said the same!
Cameron122
Member
I think he means "cheating" as in "getting an unfair advantage through chemicals".
But.. It's not cheating. The chemicals are getting you to a NORMAL state of mind. You're not a person that's "normal" and takes the medication to become better and cheat, you're a person who was legitimately in need of the medication to become normal.
Think of it is you've let go of your disadvantage and now you have the same opportunity as everyone else. And it turns out, you're pretty damn good at what you do!
Indeed! It has been a thought I've had as of late. Pretty silly in hindsight, I'm not cheating because I use a wheelchair
It's cheating when I tie a horse to it
Thanks for your message. You are right, and it is something I try to do. I know it is something I can't change, but I can't really help feeling miserable over it. The problem is I have thought so much about it, everyday, at every hour, that it now has gone much beyond just that. I feel inferior, less than everyone else based solely on my height, even if they don't make fun of it or tease me with it (in that aspect I've been lucky enough not to ever been badly teased about my height), it is like nobody really mentions or seems to care about my height, but still I make a huge deal out of it, and I can't help it. Besides, it is some kind of "secret suffering", because I don't really talk about it. Nobody know it affects me the way it does.
I've read about height discrimination in the workplace, about how women like tall men (the taller the better), about how every generation normally is taller than the one that preceed them... I'm not taller than my father, and just slightly taller than my mother (I'm 163,5 cm or 5'4" and a half or something), most of my family is average sized or tall, it's just me. I'm not just short besides, I feel like I'm plainly small and awkward, and I feel like a child. I've noticed people staring, looking at me like, with curiosity, like I'm this very short man and they look at me with wonder.
Everytime I see a girl, I think "Why in the world would she or any other girl look at me when there are so many taller better-than-me guys?" She just needs to look around to find dozens of guys taller than me. Every single time I see a taller guy I can't help but thinking "I wish I was as tall as he is", I tried to change that, not to think about it, but it happens without me controlling it. And it affects every single aspect of my life, as sad as it sounds. All the things I do or I don't do are because of my height. When I moved near to the sea, I was thinking on learning to surf, but as time went by I started thinking "I would just look pathetic, leave that to taller people". So I ended up doing nothing. I do nothing. I go to classes, come back, eat alone, sleep. Next day, repeat. On weekends, alone, on summer, alone. I don't have friends. And I don't think I could have them, as I feel so self-conscious when I'm around other people, I just would feel like I don't fit, like they're adults and I'm a child. And it is all because of this paranoia I have with my height, I know, but I can't help it, I've tried.
Anyway, thanks for you message, you have it right, I just don't think can do it, it all goes much beyond than that.
My anxiety issues are getting to the point where I start panicking when the phone rings. On Monday I went to Raw (it sucked, and I was around 15K people, which isn't good for the kind of anxiety I've been having) and on the way home I had to stop driving because I went full on derealization where I felt like I was in a cartoon and was going 30MPH on the interstate because I thought I was about to get crushed or flip my car even though it was midnight and there was no traffic besides me. I leave the house about once a month, always at night, and only to get groceries. I've started getting panic attacks if I'm more than 10-15 minutes from my house at any given time.
When you say things like this it makes me wanna punch you right in the depression.
(it's just a matter of speaking, I don't want to punch you at all)
Please don't do anything crazy, or stupid. I don't know how to say this anymore, but you WILL be missed if you go.
Seriously, do you want someone to talk to? Do you need to vent? My PM inbox is open for you, and for everybody else in here too.
This has been the case for me during most points in my life. Looking back at most points, I seem to have enough social skills to make acquaintances, but that's about it. Making any real connections with people is rare for me, and I have very few friends as a result.
Yeah, I'm pretty good at small talk. I'm absolutely terrible at anything beyond that.
I'm okay at it I guess, but I really don't like small talk. I'm actually better at talking in detail when given some decent subject matter. I guess I must do something involuntary that's off putting like my body language or facial expressions. Or maybe my general behaviour is just out width the norm, who knows. I feel comfortable enough spending time by myself doing things, but it would be nice to have social activities as an occasional option again. Been quite a while since I've had any social get together outside of my family.
SJW is supposed to be decently effective for minor depression. It has the usual problem that plagues all herbal supplements - the dosing and preparations are all over the place.
I've been doing really well with fish oil (omega-3 fatty acids). I started taking it on a whim, without even really digging into the scientific literature (which is pretty weird for me). Surprisingly, it really seems to work for me. I noticed early on that I got an antidepressant withdrawal-like effect if I missed a day.
I take Nature Made brand. 2 doses a day of 3 capsules each.
I will caution that this is kind of an experimental thing. Fellow depression-GAFfer Piano, found that fish oil increased his anxiety.
Zeouterlimits
Member
My feelings, worn on my sleeve, ignored, make me feel worse. These people are supposed to care the most.
Edit: stopped pitying myself by going for a run
Edit: stopped pitying myself by going for a run
Indeed! It has been a thought I've had as of late. Pretty silly in hindsight, I'm not cheating because I use a wheelchairIt's cheating when I tie a horse to it
That's a great analogy! I wear glasses/contacts so that's my go-to when people talk about not wanting to be "dependent" on medications. Insulin works nicely, too.
And if you tie a horse to your wheelchair, that's officially a CHARIOT! Which rules.
It is tough. My son will likely end up being your height (they can look at the growth plates on your bones and estimate your final height). I got a PM from a tall GAF "friend," making fun on me for being 5'6". I won't say who it was, except to say it was RatskyWatsky. Being short blows in a lot of ways. But being tall isn't so hot either. Being asked "wow, how tall are you?" every six seconds has to get old.
My best friend is fairly tall and she's adamant about only dating taller guys. I think that's silly (you can prefer whatever you'd like, but if you're going to turn away fantastic guys right away because they're shorter than you, that's stupid), but it seems really common. I mean, she's pretty, but she's not a 10/10 knockout, and she knows it. She wants to be appreciated for her personality, sense of humor, smarts, etc., but then when it comes to dating she's obsessed with looks over everything. She drives me nuts.
When I started dating, I certainly wasn't attracting girls with my looks. There's a photo back somewhere in this thread. I was just a tiny bit awkward. Not that I'm any great shakes now (I think I looked pretty good in college, actually), but the women I attracted were drawn to my sense of humor and this (somewhat fake) air of confidence I project. I'm pretty neurotic, but I somehow come across as just kind of not being overly concerned with stuff. I wish there were some secret to being confident (certainly being in a relationship helps a ton), because it really is the secret to making good impressions.
That was awesome. At some point, Oomi is going to realize that we all love her to death and she's perhaps THE most important person in this thread in terms of actually helping people.
It's strange (well, not really) how much harder people find communicating "in real life." One of my buddies in here was telling me that I was one of the most outgoing people she knew, which was totally weird to me. I think of myself as pretty shy. I can make small talk, interact with people in a professional manner, but my sense of humor is kind of weird, so it really takes time for me to warm up to people enough to start acting 100% like myself. I guess I have gotten better at just saying "fuck it" and being my ridiculous self. I've tried that on GAF and I've made a shit-ton of friends! It's unreal!
If there's any secret, beyond BE YOURSELF, it's this: people love to talk about themselves. Ask people questions. Don't talk about yourself unless directly asked. It's hard to do - that last paragraph was all about ME - but it goes from something you need to think about to being something natural very quickly. And that's honestly how I made friends on GAF. I just told people I'd be happy to listen to them, asked them a bunch of questions, gave a crap about what they said, and blammo - friendship. Give it a try.
People often just don't know what to say. I have very close friends who I've given up talking about depression with. It's not that they don't care - they've said as much - it's that they're super uncomfortable with "feelings." It's a generalization, but I tend to be closer to my female friends because they're more comfortable talking about feelings and emotions. On the other hand, my little brother is one of the people I'm closest to in the world, and we basically never discuss that stuff. It's just not how our relationship is.
It sucks when you wear your heart on your sleeve and it gets ignored or blown off, but it's not necessarily because people don't care. We just live in a society where people sadly don't know how to deal with that stuff. So you have to find outlets for those things. Or you find ways to share your feelings that don't make people uncomfortable. It can be a challenge, but the reward is huge. Don't let the missteps stop you from wearing your heart on your sleeve. The things is, how many of us want people to tell us that they like us and that they care? When you realize that, it becomes all the easier to be the kind of person who gushes a bit about the people you care about.
I'm 5'5". The biggest issue I've had with being short is finding pants that fit well since I'm not scawny short guy, so my legs are waist are too big for most jeans that would be the right length for me. So that means pretty much all my pants are either too long, too baggy, or both. But other than that, being short has never been an issue. I got used to it in middle school. I grew in 5th grade and was taller than a lot of people in 6th, but then I stopped growing.
It's never been an issue with women or jobs, even in places where you'd think being short would be a legitimate reason not to hire someone (correctional facility). I'm tall enough to ride all the roller coasters and I can still play hide and seek. But at the same time, I can use it as an excuse to not do certain tasks asked of me. It's worked out pretty well.
It's never been an issue with women or jobs, even in places where you'd think being short would be a legitimate reason not to hire someone (correctional facility). I'm tall enough to ride all the roller coasters and I can still play hide and seek. But at the same time, I can use it as an excuse to not do certain tasks asked of me. It's worked out pretty well.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
Wow, how tall are you?
Where I live my height seems to not be a major problem (I'm 5'8) since a lot of people are under 5'6 here. Some people even say that I'm tall which makes me feel better about my height, but I know that if I lived in another country, I would be super short.
Actually, that has failed me too, because they did it to me. When I was a kid I used to have severe asthma, so I had to take some strong medication, and one of the possible secondary effects was a delayed growth. A couple of times (the last time when I was 11 or so) they looked at the growth plates in my hand or wrist or somewhere around there and said that yep, I had CGD, Constitutional Growth Delay, my growth would be slower but it would happen. They said I would be between 174 and 178 cm (more or less between 5'8'' and 5'10'' and a half), as my father is 5'11'' and a half and my mother 5'3''. It was not really that tall but it was ok, and I spent my teenage years "expecting" that to be someday my height. I stopped growing at 16, being 5'4'' and something (163,5 cm). I haven't grown a sigle milimetre since, and I'm 20 now. They looked at my wrist bones again when I was 18, and said I was not likely to grow any taller, perhaps just a centimeter, but I should not expect it. I've been depressive about it since then. I stopped going out, stopped doing things other than studying, at least, feeling down all the time, etc.
Another fear/negative though I have is about my possible future children too. I've thought, if I ever somehow manage to get a girlfriend, marry, etc., she will have to be shorter than me, and I'm already very short. So my future kids would not have a single chance of at least being average sized. It's like I'm dooming my hypothetical kids to suffer what I suffer. So I better stop trying to date or anything, because I should not have any kids.
I think communicating online is considerably easier, you have more time to think about exactly what you want to say and there's less pressure and judgement present I feel. Also, depending on who you're talking to it can end up being a war of words, whoever speaks the loudest and talks over people the most gets the most say, it can be exhausting to deal with.
I don't find you being outgoing that hard to imagine bagles. Since your posts seem to be quite long and detailed here. My sense of humour tend to be a bit different as well, things that most people find amusing will be indifferent to me. I do try and ask relevant questions when talking to people, but doesn't make any difference for me. Maybe I'll get lucky one day and make some strange awkward friends like myself, who knows.
Yeah, I think it can depend on where you're from. Average heights will be different which would affect what people consider tall. I'm 6.1 and nobody really points out my height. Being a size 12, my shoes seem to bring out more attention.
been feeling pretty good recently since my doctor changed my medication to mirtazapine a month ago. might just be because it's getting me to sleep better but i generally feel much calmer and in control.
yep. every time i see a family member that and 'oh look how tall you are' 'have you grown again'. grrrr.
i'm also ridiculous looking gangly monster. i'd happily trade with a shorter person.
grass always greener etc
yep. every time i see a family member that and 'oh look how tall you are' 'have you grown again'. grrrr.
i'm also ridiculous looking gangly monster. i'd happily trade with a shorter person.
grass always greener etc
Zeouterlimits
Member
Yeah, I do know this, it just seemed particularly egregious. Unfortunate really, they're all good people and we normally support each other.
stn
Member
Guess I'll vent a bit, why not? So, I used to live in the Black Forest, Germany as a kid. Best time of my life. Had my grandparents and uncle there, amazing scenery, and classic Cartoon Network (haha). My grandparents were both deceased by 2001. My uncle, who was probably the most happy and grateful person ever, passed away just months ago. My mom always went with me while my dad usually stayed back at our original residence to work. We moved around.
All I have of that place now is memories. Anyway, I was initially supposed to go with a good friend of mine to visit that specific place this Summer, and then tour the rest of Europe. He's my best friend and we've been through lots of us-versus-the-world situations. It was spiritual for me and he was going merely to support (he's a great friend, the only one I have of that kind). I wanted to dedicate the trip to my deceased uncle, to be honest. We always had some amazing walks, great stories, and just the kind of interaction you don't commonly find nowadays.
Anyway, circumstances on my friend's end put an end to our plans. But I still have this great urge to just go there, even for a day, but its not the same going alone. I'm depressed about it because my mind always reminds me of past events. I have such an urge in my gut. Its a shame that I barely speak any German, as I never learned it when I was there.
I don't know, I just feel like saying "fuck it!" and going when school is out. And really, all I want to do is go there, take pics, make some recordings, and have a fresh image of the area. I want to see how it has changed over the years.
And, on a general note to anyone reading this post: Please do not ever consider killing yourself. I don't know how prone people are to that stuff since this is my first visit ever to this thread.
All I have of that place now is memories. Anyway, I was initially supposed to go with a good friend of mine to visit that specific place this Summer, and then tour the rest of Europe. He's my best friend and we've been through lots of us-versus-the-world situations. It was spiritual for me and he was going merely to support (he's a great friend, the only one I have of that kind). I wanted to dedicate the trip to my deceased uncle, to be honest. We always had some amazing walks, great stories, and just the kind of interaction you don't commonly find nowadays.
Anyway, circumstances on my friend's end put an end to our plans. But I still have this great urge to just go there, even for a day, but its not the same going alone. I'm depressed about it because my mind always reminds me of past events. I have such an urge in my gut. Its a shame that I barely speak any German, as I never learned it when I was there.
I don't know, I just feel like saying "fuck it!" and going when school is out. And really, all I want to do is go there, take pics, make some recordings, and have a fresh image of the area. I want to see how it has changed over the years.
And, on a general note to anyone reading this post: Please do not ever consider killing yourself. I don't know how prone people are to that stuff since this is my first visit ever to this thread.
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