lachesis: If your interest is men's issues, your best bet is to focus on that and not worry about any kind of feminism whatsoever.
I know you are going through divorce and are primed to be in antagonist mode, but if you stop thinking about feminism of the "opposite side" of what you are trying to accomplish, then you'll have more success and avoid more rabbit-holes like RedPill. OTOH, if you are looking for a movement where you can feel sorry about how a woman (or women in general) have it out for you, then RedPill is just the thing for you.But that's not at all productive.
Real talk-- are you in a custody battle? How is it going? What resources do you have, of you are?
Thanks for your concern. I always take things with grain of salt, and simply considered the "issues" brought up in the documentary was worth a mention and questioning.
I have to be brutally honest here, that you are definitely correct, and I am very much hurt at dissolve of my family against my will and against my dream. I am a simple man, who believes and have always behaved for equality in both domestic and workplace. All I wanted was to live in peace, helping my wife achieve her dream and grow my daughter to become a kind, caring, and good person.
I am, actually the one who introduced my wife to Sheryl Sandberg's book, "Lean In" - as I saw her struggling in her workplace - When I was working on the project of promoting her book, I really did think it would be beneficial for her to read. She was quite happy to receive the book, and told me that it's her new bible. She always had feminist values in her which I liked - but not sure how much or what kind. (She did tell me that she doesn't agree everything Sandberg had to say afterward.)
As I mentioned before, I do most of grunt work of the child rearing, and a lot of domestic chores including cooking, washing dishes & cleaning after the meal, taking out garbage & doing the lawn / general home fixing etc. We do laundry together, but I iron my own. I work 11a-7p - had to change my schedule for child rearing - that She chose her work for 9a-5p. I work slightly closer in NYC, and to save as much time - I drive in. I normally leave around 10a, and get home around 8p. Longer commute for her, so she leaves around 7:30 - but she normally comes home around 10 to midnight.
I also believed 100% transparency on how much I earn - so I put everything on shared bank account, keeping nothing on my own - and I wanted her to know how to pay the bills (She's from out of country) - and be independent - so I left bill payment with her throughout the years. My job, I thought was to earn as much as possible and to share domestic chores as much as possible. I felt bad of buying any sort of things for myself, because that money was coming off from our joint account. Interestingly, she kept her earnings for herself most of the time. I thought not much of that - knowing that I did make more money than her.
We did struggle financially, especially when I supported her NYU grad school for 4 years. After grad school we had our child. After 3 month - I have to be honest, that I hoped my wife would stay home a bit longer for our baby for another 3 months - but she wanted work. So I agreed. She was pregnant shortly after. I wanted to have the child - but she wanted to abort, because she wanted to pursue her carreer. Respecting her wishes and dreams, I followed - but to this day, its in my conscious that my daughter's sister or brother, didn't get to see the light of the day. I came to terms that if I do get punished for that after my death - I would admit my guilt. (No, I am not Catholic or Christian. My wife is from Catholic family)
When we build our new dream home in a good neighborhood with great school, I took my sister-in-law (who had verbally abusive husband) into my house and her niece. My town has great school system, so my niece benefited from it, instead of moving around all over the states. SIL, however has some anger issues that she often shouted at her teenager daughter. My fault is that I took a blind eye, even though I should have said something - all I did was console my crying niece. After all, my SIL was taking care of my daughter before I got home, feeding her supper. When I see a person, I try to look at the good side, not the bad side - and since she was acting as our resident nanny - I looked at the good side - because after building our house, we were short of money that I even sold all my collections of vintage rare Saturn games and DC/PS1 consoles and games to aid the construction (spent nearly 20k on it to collect them before marriage)
I lived like that for a couple of years, hoping we'll get through, make enough money so that we can breathe a bit, and after my niece graduate, I expected my SIL to move out.
To be honest, I never really wanted to talk about SIL with anyone - and just ride out. I don't really like confrontations.
One day - a few years ago. wife start to refusing having intimacy. Tired. Not feeling like doing it. Since I am not a rapest, I always respected her wishes - but that went on about 6 months. I got frustrated and confronted wife that what's going on. She flat out refused and didn't want to talk.
Then shortly after, she texts me and drops the bomb. She wants to leave sometime in the future when she's ready. Asked her if she is seeing anyone, she said no. She wanted to get things all neatly wrapped up and move onto her next chapter of lives without making too much splash. Also, she wanted to take a vacation of unknown place, alone for her 40th birthday. Thought it was fishy, but I just sucked it up. Maybe it's her midlife crisis or whatnot, I thought. I thought perhaps going alone would be a good thing for her to reflect her life and all. I asked for counseling. Her response was "no, I do not want to talk our privacy to another person".
Then she got sick for a few weeks. I was taking care of her. Feeding her and doing 100% of childrearing and all. (Still no sex. About a year by then, staying in separate rooms)
Shortly after, since I'm always looking for saving regular expenses like cellphone bills - and since everyone including my SIL and niece's smartphone bills were all on my account for corporate discount - I found another company offering better deal. To come up with real usage, I looked into online bills for research and found out peculiar number that wife's talking for long time. FB'ed that number, it was her Ex boyfriend, who is now married with 3 kids too. He lives back in overseas where she comes from, but it really bothered me.
So I confronted that - and she flat out denied that it's just friendly chat. Yes, she doesn't even talk to her female friends that long, not even her mother. Time she talked was mostly when she was alone - like when she's driving, or when she's on a business trip, or when she told me she's working late. But real kicker was that she was talking to him on my birthday, twice. She was talking to him when I was prepping her meals while she was sick. Also found out, on her chat, that the vacation of unknown place, she's not going alone. Going with a feminist co-worker who is also having an affair with another married man, and possibly another guy.
Her response was even infuriating - that I don't have any right to look into her private chats, even though it's unlocked phone, showing notification on its freaking home screen. Also since I wasn't listening to her about my SIL and her issues - she was lonely. That was her justification.
Found a chat that's mocking me and what a beta I am etc, and said things about her feelings towards this unknown guy who she had emotional affair (assuming it's her ex) and I was devastated. Was also devastated that one time when my friend finished NYC marathon in the memory of his dead brother, I had a guys night out. She told me that she'd have girls night out too at our place so I said okay. Turns out - she invited that the cheater co-worker and her boyfriend, drinking till the wee hours in front of my daughter, and let them use our marrital bedroom and bed (which I use) without letting me know that there's another guy that I hardly know will sleep and possibly have sex.
Then she wanted to leave to SC for a year. She wanted to have "Senior" title to her resume, and no place in NY is looking for it. I was against it, especially her taking our 5 yr old daughter. She threatened immediate divorce filing if I didn't let her go. So I gave in. I tried to visit my daughter as much as possible - but wife, told me not to come down because it's inconvenient for her. Thinking granting her wish would make her happy, I limited the visit to SC as much as possible. Interestingly, SC countryside style of living was too much for a metropolitan girl like her - so she came back to NY almost every other week. My visitation on SC is about 4 times per year.
During our discussion of why I don't want to be separated with my daughter - she said following things.
Marriage is an outdated institution that binds a girls heart to one man.
Marriage is an oppression on women.
She's born way ahead of her time.
Realizing this is feminist idea, I began to question Feminism, which I thought it's only and all about gender equality - upon studying 70's feminist movement - and how marriage and blood-related family is devalued and defined as a part of patriarchy oppression - It really really bothered me.
She got fired from SC company, and came back. She found another job in NYC though - and went all in for her job. Working 14-5 hours per day. Sometimes coming home 2-3am. Taking frequent business trips during week and weekends, multiple times per month. On weekend, she left my daughter with me and just went out to see museums and exhibitions, only coming home after midnight. During our CIS she has been very reluctant to show any of her spendings - and didn't even notify me that she was promoted to "Director" now, with pay raise. Yay. Good for her. I make about 150k on a good year and around 130k on average. She is making about 120-130k as she's hiding her salary now... and yet, she threatens me with alimony whenever our negotiations don't go at her likings.
To be honest, up to recent few months - I was still trying to salvage the marriage for the sake of family. But when she finally said shitty stuff regarding my own parents and how they are not as rich as hers - and she down-married her status etc - it was just end of it. I lost total respect for the woman, and I want her off my life now.
So far, we came down to 50/50 joint / legal custody - and I pay 60% of shared child expenses + $500 in 529. No alimony. 50/50 share after selling the house. She would pay 40% of shared chlld expenses + medical premium (which I believe is far less than $500 that I pay for 529) - and she still thinks it's unfair for her.
I'm waiting on the final agreement and signing it - but her lawyer has been quite lazy or what not - that I've been waiting forever for them to reply. Only real issue regarding the child custody is that she would complete the school in our current town (she graduates elementary next year) - then she wants to move to wherever she wants. (Right now she wants to go to either Brooklyn or Jersey City - as it's much closer to her work.) We moved to this town in Bergen county, specifically for its safety and nationally ranked school system - I had warned her about longer commute and all. Since my daughter was raised in this town pretty much entire of her life, with her friends and relatives - I am against of moving. But I can see myself in a year, that we will actually battle in court regarding the relocation of my daughter, as we both hold 50/50 legal custody right.
And to this date, my psycho SIL, now her daughter moved out to NYC going school, got green card using my address (wife got citizenship through me as well) - SIL still lives in my house.
So in a nutshell. Thats where I am. An alpha feminist girl divorcing a nice, PC beta loser like myself, who only had good intention. Sorry for the long-ass post.
But dealing with my wife for past 5 years, I am very hurt, broke (financially and mentally). I will probably search for therapy when all is said and done. (Can't afford it now, because I have to buy a place for my Daughter to live her, and lawyers have wasted almost 50k now)
I agree and admit it's part of the reason that I react on MRA's arguments, and even watched the movie The Red Pill - and idea of MGTOW, which separates one from marriage and relationships with women. Not that I am going to go around and become a 44 yr old PUA - (won't work so well because I drive freaking Prius) - I would just play some games from my steam wishlists, and read some books, going hiking, getting fit, have 6 pack ab for the first time in my life, do stuff that I have not done for many years, and just enjoy my life with being the very best dad for my daughter.
I am, really trying.
