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[Corky]

as I don't want to show my family, friends and everyone else how much of a failure I am.

edit: badly worded...

why would you give a shit about what they think anymore?

sincerely hope that one day you can escape this horrible disease. I know this sounds like bullshit but I would be your friend.

I'd be friends with anyone man, too bad I'm stuck in shithole noplaceizstan for now.

I wasn't trying to say it'll get better for you, I was just saying the possibility is there. No guarantees, though. There aren't any in this world. Especially not for people like us.

Ah I see, yeah but what are you gonna do, hopefully my body will shut off soon enough with or without my doing.

 

[Bagels]

I totally understand. I'm starting university next Monday, and I'll be taking 2 subjects for the third time. I can't gather the motivation to study, or pay any attention in class. I just sit there in silence, shut off my brain and then go back home. I hate it, but dropping out completely isn't an option, as I don't want to show my family, friends and everyone else how much of a failure I am.

This year isn't going to be any different for me. I hope it is for you, good luck with it.

I know it's crazy in this day of powerpoint lectures (barf.), but I remember things much better when I take notes during lectures. Get a good pen or pencil ("good" doesn't mean "Mont Blanc." You just need something comfortable to write with and correctly weighted for maximal fiddling-with when your professors start rambling on), a decent notebook or notepad or whatever, and commit to taking written notes. You can use a laptop or whatever, but I don't know anyone who can resist the siren song of the internet. Also, if you want to draw diagrams, or just doodle little cartoons in the margin of your notes, it's much easier with paper and pencil. It actually helps to type up your notes later. That;s overkill for easy classes, but for PChem, I took notes in class (notes were not provided - it was all chalk-talks and actual verbal lectures), transcribed my notes each day, did ALL of the textbook readings AND took full notes on those, and worked all of the homework problems. That's a ton of work, but I never had to cram or miss any sleep, I actually understood things, instead of just memorizing how to work problems, I aced every test, and never had to freak out about the class like basically every one of my classmates did. You don't have to be as insane as I was (I thought I was going to be (maybe I still will be...) a physical chemist when I grew up, so I worked extra hard at the courses), but it's way easier to scale back your studying than it is to scale it up.

I NEED structure in my life. My natural inclination is to resist scheduling my time, so I need to be really hardcore about it.

 

[Out of Working Order]

Good for you! Important step hope it went well.

Yes, thankyou, it did. He was understanding and not dismissive, but I expected that. I just didn't want to place a worry like that on his head.

I asked him not to tell my Mum, because I know it would really upset her.

 

[OpinionatedCyborg]

Not really. I was rejected when I first applied to grad school... The only reason I got in was some roundabout backdoor way.

The only reason you are posting this message from a computer in a home with Internet in a country with a lot of opportunities is because you won the genetic lottery. It doesn't matter what you deserve... There are people who deserve less who have had more opportunities and there are people who deserve more who receive less. Take advantage of the lucky breaks you get and don't beat yourself up over it. Trust me, there will be times in life when you get screwed over for all the wrong reasons.

Also, if you are having a lot of doubts in yourself it could be imposter syndrome. It is normal for new professionals, grad atudents, etc. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome#section_1

 

[BruiserBear]

I seriously don't know why I'm in college if I'm not even trying. I recently failed my physics exam. I get depressed so easily because I know I'm going to be a failure in life.

The fact that you're actually in college, and took a physics exam, says you're step ahead of me.


I gave up on college after I realized I didn't have it in me to finish. I joined the working world, got a decent job going, met a girl one day, and have been married for 10 years now.


In other words, just because things don't work out as you hoped, doesn't mean they won't work out some other way. With that said, finish college. You'll be happy you did in the long run. Things will work out fine, even if there are some bumps in the road.

 

[Mr Swine]

I feel like I'm soon at a point that I don't want to live anymore. I'm getting really depressed about everything and I don't know what to do anymore. I really want to find someone and settle down, start a family of my own. I want a job but I get tired very easily and I can't study right now since my memory is bad...

Edit: and I want to make new friends, female since I don't have any. But everyone seems to ignore me

 

[Collete]

Just caused more pain and suffering...Yup that's what I do best.....Blech...I'm just a poison...

 

[RionaaM]

edit: badly worded...

why would you give a shit about what they think anymore?

Because I have no self-steem, and I don't want the world to know? Because I don't want people to hate me like I hate myself? I don't know why do I care, but I do, even though I try to convince myself that I don't.

I know it's crazy in this day of powerpoint lectures (barf.), but I remember things much better when I take notes during lectures. Get a good pen or pencil ("good" doesn't mean "Mont Blanc." You just need something comfortable to write with and correctly weighted for maximal fiddling-with when your professors start rambling on), a decent notebook or notepad or whatever, and commit to taking written notes. You can use a laptop or whatever, but I don't know anyone who can resist the siren song of the internet. Also, if you want to draw diagrams, or just doodle little cartoons in the margin of your notes, it's much easier with paper and pencil. It actually helps to type up your notes later. That;s overkill for easy classes, but for PChem, I took notes in class (notes were not provided - it was all chalk-talks and actual verbal lectures), transcribed my notes each day, did ALL of the textbook readings AND took full notes on those, and worked all of the homework problems. That's a ton of work, but I never had to cram or miss any sleep, I actually understood things, instead of just memorizing how to work problems, I aced every test, and never had to freak out about the class like basically every one of my classmates did. You don't have to be as insane as I was (I thought I was going to be (maybe I still will be...) a physical chemist when I grew up, so I worked extra hard at the courses), but it's way easier to scale back your studying than it is to scale it up.

I NEED structure in my life. My natural inclination is to resist scheduling my time, so I need to be really hardcore about it.

Hey Bags, don't forget I live in a third world country. What's a PowerPoint lecture?

No, over here it's all pen and paper. But I still can't bring myself to take notes, or listen to the professors in class. I don't want to be there, but there's also nowhere else I could be instead. Last year I dropped all 4 subjects I was taking, and this year I only signed up for 2. Will 2013 be another wasted year? My hope is no, but my prediction is yes.

I feel like I'm soon at a point that I don't want to live anymore. I'm getting really depressed about everything and I don't know what to do anymore. I really want to find someone and settle down, start a family of my own. I want a job but I get tired very easily and I can't study right now since my memory is bad...

Edit: and I want to make new friends, female since I don't have any. But everyone seems to ignore me

I'm not a girl, but if you want someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. Seems to me we may have things in common, such as an invisibility cloak that only works with women (and some ex-male-friends too).

 

[Bagels]

Because I have no self-steem, and I don't want the world to know? Because I don't want people to hate me like I hate myself? I don't know why do I care, but I do, even though I try to convince myself that I don't.


Hey Bags, don't forget I live in a third world country. What's a PowerPoint lecture?

No, over here it's all pen and paper. But I still can't bring myself to take notes, or listen to the professors in class. I don't want to be there, but there's also nowhere else I could be instead. Last year I dropped all 4 subjects I was taking, and this year I only signed up for 2. Will 2013 be another wasted year? My hope is no, but my prediction is yes.


I'm not a girl, but if you want someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. Seems to me we may have things in common, such as an invisibility cloak that only works with women (and some ex-male-friends too).

Would it make you feel better if I told you that I LOVE to say Argentina? Ar-HHHHHEN-tina. Love it.

 

[Bagels]

Two things:

1) I've started to get some amazing submissions for a possible depression-GAF anthology (including from our shadow community of lurkers whose GAF accounts have not been approved yet). I've received two different descriptions of what depression is like - a poem and an extended metaphor in prose. I'm really blown away!

I'd love to see more submissions! I haven't established any kind of deadline yet, as I'd still like to hear people commit to the idea and see if we reach some kind of critical mass for putting something together. Anything that will fit on a page is welcome - poems, drawings, comics, essays, reviews of books, movies, games (I'd love to hear about the treatment of mental illness in games - just a few lines about a specific game or character is fine. We could collect a whole bunch of these), some thoughts about this thread (I'd love to put together some kind of history of this thread with you guys), a specific post, or a specific member (I'll be writing some little micro-tributes to many of you, describing what some of your posts have meant to me), interviews (I might try to put the relationship roundtable [still working on making that happen] in here), short stories, and on and on.

And PLEASE do not pass on this opportunity because English is not your first language (looking at you, RionnaM!). I'm not sure I've read a post in here yet that made me go, "Man, this dude's English is really bad!" And we can totally work together to edit your submissions and iron out any little tricky stupid English stuff.

2) I just got a letter back after the unnamed depression-GAFfer (dammit, Pau!) gave me the wrong address. I really love writing letters, and I'd love to have more penpals from the thread. People have been lamenting their lack of IRL friends. The friends I've made in here aren't really any different from my IRL friends, in my mind, but I get how it can somehow feel like a lesser thing. I feel like writing letters back and forth makes that friendship much more real. I treat letters very differently from posts or chat or skype. Letters are just very intimate.

If we've already chatted a bunch, just PM me and I'd love to write to you! If we don't already know each other too well, PM me and you can write to me first. I'll answer any questions, read your story, whatever you'd like to write. I promise to write back! That could be the start of a beautiful friendship!

 

[Collete]

Tried to OD again last night and just trying to fight against my depression...But it's like fighting a tsunami...Struggling till you'll drown under the wave sinking ever so slowly to the bottom of the ocean floor.

 

[BlazinAm]

Well Bagels there is the game called Depression Quest. http://www.depressionquest.com/

I have started taking St. John's Wort. I feel ok but I have to take six capsules a day is a lot so hopefully there is an improvement down the line. I have rearranged the my desk again (so I can have more reading material and both my laptops so I have everything i need ideally to work and there really isn't much improvement in that department...)and still haven't gotten any work done, also I have been posting less on Neogaf overall but still keep track of this thread and several others.

It doesn't help that I keep thinking about missed opportunities and past failures all the time, I need to push them out of my head and get some work done so I can move on.

Hey at least I went to the gym several times this week, but 30 Metrocard in NYC is $112 but I need it.

Oh and on the social end of things....nothing.

 

[Bagels]

I feel like we need to bring back scheduled chats. Both the Skype and Mibbit rooms are dead pretty much any time I check them out. We tried this once before but I can't remember what day/time we decided would be best for everyone. Thoughts?

Set it up, dude. I'm loitering in chat right now. I'll be around all weekend.

Well Bagels there is the game called Depression Quest. http://www.depressionquest.com/

We had some discussion about it when it came out. That would be a great thing for someone to write about!

Why are you taking so much SJW?

Keep at it - it's great that you're keeping up the exercise routine. Focus on that success! Easier said than done, sure, but you gain nothing from lingering on the past. Chain together those little victories.

 

[MisterLuffy]

I totally understand. I'm starting university next Monday, and I'll be taking 2 subjects for the third time. I can't gather the motivation to study, or pay any attention in class. I just sit there in silence, shut off my brain and then go back home. I hate it, but dropping out completely isn't an option, as I don't want to show my family, friends and everyone else how much of a failure I am.

This year isn't going to be any different for me. I hope it is for you, good luck with it.

The fact that you're actually in college, and took a physics exam, says you're step ahead of me.


I gave up on college after I realized I didn't have it in me to finish. I joined the working world, got a decent job going, met a girl one day, and have been married for 10 years now.


In other words, just because things don't work out as you hoped, doesn't mean they won't work out some other way. With that said, finish college. You'll be happy you did in the long run. Things will work out fine, even if there are some bumps in the road.

Thanks guys, it's just I want to be able to grasp the concept, understand what I need to do to answer questions, as well as explaining it. I'm such a burden to my lab group during lab because I couldn't contribute or understand what's going on, and speak in terms of physics. And when I do hw, I cheat by looking at answers online which doesn't help me understand the problem at all.

 

[RatskyWatsky]

Set it up, dude. I'm loitering in chat right now. I'll be around all weekend.

How about tonight then?

 

[BlazinAm]

Set it up, dude. I'm loitering in chat right now. I'll be around all weekend.



We had some discussion about it when it came out. That would be a great thing for someone to write about!

Why are you taking so much SJW?

Keep at it - it's great that you're keeping up the exercise routine. Focus on that success! Easier said than done, sure, but you gain nothing from lingering on the past. Chain together those little victories.

On the amount of SJW, that is what the instructions tell me which is insane so my plan idea is take the recommended amount for now and then gradually take a smaller amount per day down the line.
Directions: for Adults, Take Two (2) Capsules three times daily. So six a day which when I read it sounded crazy, I got the Sundown Naturals brand. Each capsule has 150mg so each time I am taking a serving it is 300mg which to me sounds like too much for the day when added up. It was the only one in the Duane Reade so I didn't have a lot of options.

Thanks for the advice Bagels.

 

[Bagels]

How about tonight then?

Name the time, dude.

On the amount of SJW, that is what the instructions tell me which is insane so my plan idea is take the recommended amount for now and then gradually take a smaller amount per day down the line.
Directions: for Adults, Take Two (2) Capsules three times daily. So six a day which when I read it sounded crazy, I got the Sundown Naturals brand. Each capsule has 150mg so each time I am taking a serving it is 300mg which to me sounds like too much for the day when added up. It was the only one in the Duane Reade so I didn't have a lot of options.

Thanks for the advice Bagels.

That is the recommended dose - 300mg to 1800mg. I guess it just ends up being a lot of individual pills.

Let us know how it goes! A lot of people in the thread are interested in non-prescription treatments.

 

[BadTaste]

Doctor put me on Fluoxetine 40mg now. Previously it was 20mg. Reap the benefits.

 

[Prez]

I know it's a weird question, but could affirmation be used to convince yourself that you only have a few years left to live? I feel like it could rid me of my fear of failure and worries about the future and keep me focused on the present.

 

[Bagels]

I know it's a weird question, but could affirmation be used to convince yourself that you only have a few years left to live? I feel like it could rid me of my fear of failure and worries about the future and keep me focused on the present.

From one of our thread lurkers:

Five or six years ago I watched a documentary about Andy Warhol. In it they said something about him not losing his virginity until he was 25. The closest I had ever gotten to sex was a hug.. In my head this idea took form anyway, that I should stop thinking about ending my life and if things still looked the same when I'm 25 I would allow myself to commit suicide. The years went by and things never really got any better, one step forward and two steps back. A few months ago I realized that my 25th birthday is coming up rapidly and I'm still stuck in the same spot. During a period of three months I moved out of my mothers basement to an apartment. Fell in love, had sex, got my heart broken and I still a have over a month left to my 25th birthday.

A lot of this feels circumstantial, but maybe I changed something very important about myself that allowed me to take advantage of the circumstances. I haven't quite figured out yet how I am supposed to stay in this mindset, but I'm working on it.

 

[RatskyWatsky]

Name the time, dude.

Whenever.
I'll be there and you'll be near
And that's the deal my dear

 

[Bagels]

Whenever.
I'll be there and you'll be near
And that's the deal my dear

Try to have people there in an hour? So 10 EST, 2GMT?

 

[RatskyWatsky]

Try to have people there in an hour? So 10 EST, 2GMT?

Sounds good to me.

 

[BlazinAm]

Try to have people there in an hour? So 10 EST, 2GMT?

In forty minutes ok.

 

[Bagels]

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=47786497&postcount=7648

Instructions!

 

[Smiley90]

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=47786497&postcount=7648

Instructions!

It's not like I have anything better to do all weekend. -sigh-

 

[Prez]

From one of our thread lurkers:

Pretty interesting, but I can't relate to that story because I've been through all that several times years ago and not much has changed. Still I feel that if I only had a few years left I'd finally get to do everything I've always wanted to. Sometimes I fantasize about being diagnosed with a fatal disease and it actually makes me feel more at ease.

Am I alone here?

 

[Collete]

From one of our thread lurkers:

The story gives a little hope, it's going to be refreshing compared to the behemoth I published....*shudders*

Pretty interesting, but I can't relate to that story because I've been through all that several times years ago and not much has changed. Still I feel that if I only had a few years left I'd finally get to do everything I've always wanted to. Sometimes I fantasize about being diagnosed with a fatal disease and it actually makes me feel more at ease.

Am I alone here?

No....you are not alone...I wish I was diagnosed with brain cancer and hope I just die with it...At least a form of death is imminent and I don't have to worry any longer...

 

[Jimothy]

From one of our thread lurkers:

This is pretty much what is happening to me only it's my 21st birthday that's approaching fast.

 

[Prez]

No....you are not alone...I wish I was diagnosed with brain cancer and hope I just die with it...At least a form of death is imminent and I don't have to worry any longer...

So you only fantasize about it because you want to die? I only do because I'd finally be able to achieve my goals and do everything I've always wanted to. I'd finally be rid of all my responsibilities like graduating and having to work a full-time job with little energy left to do anything else.

This is pretty much what is happening to me only it's my 21st birthday that's approaching fast.

I lost my virginity when I was 21. And trust me, it won't change your life.

 

[Jimothy]

I lost my virginity when I was 21. And trust me, it won't change your life.

I think I might be in a situation now where I can lose it before then. After it happens I'm sure I'll find something else to be depressed about. Therapy ahoy.

 

[Prez]

I think I might be in a situation now where I can lose it before then. After it happens I'm sure I'll find something else to be depressed about. Therapy ahoy.

I hope your therapy will help you. For me it didn't work out unfortunately. I've just been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder after months of testing but I know it's not true. They've misinterpreted a lot of information and now they want to start therapy based on this diagnosis which I'm sure won't help me. They're planning to teach me how to communicate which I'm pretty good at when I'm not anxious. Meanwhile they're completely ignoring my social anxiety, depression and fear of failure. I'm pretty sure I need cognitive therapy but for some reason they won't offer me that. It's quite frustrating but not surprising. Belgium has the second highest suicide rate in the world for a reason. Our mental health care system is a joke.

 

[RatskyWatsky]

I hope your therapy will help you. For me it didn't work out unfortunately. I've just been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder after months of testing but I know it's not true. They've misinterpreted a lot of information and now they want to start therapy based on this diagnosis which I'm sure won't help me. They're planning to teach me how to communicate which I'm pretty good at when I'm not anxious. Meanwhile they're completely ignoring my social anxiety, depression and fear of failure. I'm pretty sure I need cognitive therapy but for some reason they won't offer me that. It's quite frustrating but not surprising. Belgium has the second highest suicide rate in the world for a reason. Our mental health care system is a joke.

They're going to teach you how to communicate?

 

[BigEvilTurtle]

I hate my life and wish I were dead. I fucking hate myself. I'm worthless.

 

[Prez]

They're going to teach you how to communicate?

Yeah, they're under the impression that I have severe communication problems. I keep telling them I'm actually good at socialising when I'm not anxious but they just won't listen. They also have no idea what social anxiety is which convinced me to stop going. According to them people only get social anxiety after traumas like being beaten. That's what they literally told me.

Apparently I'm also neurotic because in the past I've been annoyed by dead pixels on screens and annoying humming sounds from electronics. And I have a dozen big eye floaters in each eye that annoy me. They had no idea what eye floaters are, so they concluded I'm hypersensitive. Also as a child I just built stuff with legos and didn't do any role playing and they told me that's not what non-autistic kids do.

 

[Bagels]

So you only fantasize about it because you want to die? I only do because I'd finally be able to achieve my goals and do everything I've always wanted to. I'd finally be rid of all my responsibilities like graduating and having to work a full-time job with little energy left to do anything else.

I can totally relate. I felt like that for a LONG time. I still do to some extent - if I had some deadline to get my shit together, I feel like I could tie everything up. It's different now that I have a family, but I get where you're coming from.

We have a big group in chat, btw.

 

[Banglish]

Does anyone frequent a forum/blog that you can just talk about life, get some advice, or just let out whatever it is that you're thinking about? I'd like to join a large community so I can get as much feedback as possible.

 

[Smiley90]

Does anyone frequent a forum/blog that you can just talk about life, get some advice, or just let out whatever it is that you're thinking about? I'd like to join a large community so I can get as much feedback as possible.

What's wrong with here? :x

 

[RatskyWatsky]

Yeah, they're under the impression that I have severe communication problems.

Do they offer this in the US, I wonder?

 

[Prez]

Do they offer this in the US, I wonder?

I don't know, but be glad you don't have to deal with our mental health care system. It's likely not much worse but enough to put us in second place in suicide rates.

 

[Jimothy]

Do they offer this in the US, I wonder?

If you can pay out the ass for it, yeah.

 

[Collete]

I hate my life and wish I were dead. I fucking hate myself. I'm worthless.

Yo, what happened?

 

[Gui_PT]

I hate my life and wish I were dead. I fucking hate myself. I'm worthless.

I know how that feels mang. Feel free to share why.

 

[RatskyWatsky]

If you can pay out the ass for it, yeah.

I think it would be worth it though.

 

[Smiley90]

Last night was good, I like to think?

 

[Collete]

Maybe (then again I'm always pessimistic).
Thanks for the advice you gave, Smiley.

On another note I locked myself in a dark room because I had no straight access to my normal room to meltdown. (And I'm on duty for some "job" that I can't just simply leave) Been awhile since I last did that...Probably an ominous warning in my brain.

 

[Smiley90]

Maybe (then again I'm always pessimistic).
Thanks for the advice you gave, Smiley.

On another note I locked myself in a dark room because I had no straight access to my normal room to meltdown. (And I'm on duty for some "job" that I can't just simply leave) Been awhile since I last did that...Probably an ominous warning in my brain.

So "maybe" is probably more like "yes", right?

And no worries, anytime. You know how to reach me on steam

 

[Windam]

Negative thoughts keep coming in stronger and stronger. I don't know how to deal with them without imploding. The anxiety is bad too. The feeling I have in my stomach, I wish I could just cut it out or something.

Edit: I just don't see how life is worth it.

 

[BruiserBear]

Negative thoughts keep coming in stronger and stronger. I don't know how to deal with them without imploding. The anxiety is bad too. The feeling I have in my stomach, I wish I could just cut it out or something.

Edit: I just don't see how life is worth it.

You win this game by giving up the fight. I don't mean giving up on life. I mean just giving up the fight with your thoughts, and worries, and basically anything that makes you feel bad.

When you feel yourself entering battle with these thoughts, stop yourself, and surrender to them. Literally take a deep breath and relax. No more fighting. If you make a habit of this you will see improvement. The more you care about your thoughts, the more power they have, the more important they feel. The less you concern yourself about your thoughts, the less important they become.

 

[Agent Cooper]

I dyed my hair because it makes me happy. I'm very happy for now.

That sounds so sad.