• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

The NeoGAF Poetry Corner Thread - Challenge #18: The Phoenix

Status
Not open for further replies.
B

British Monsoon

Member
NeoGAF's Poetry Corner Thread of going about things quietly - Challenge #18: The Phoenix

banner18.jpg


Theme: The Phoenix
The Phoenix legend has a place in the mythology of cultures from all over the world, but whether it's the Phoenix of Egyptian mythology, China's Fenghuang bird, or the Firebird of Scandinavian legend, one theme remains constant; the theme of rebirth and renewal. So, like the phoenix rising from the flames, for this challenge give your poetry piece a literal, figurative, metaphorical or allegorical sense of rebirth and renewal.

Secondary Objective: Enjambment
If you chose to undertake the secondary objective, simply include one or more enjambments in your piece (whereby a setence is split across multiple lines).

Poetry thread Rules version 1.2:
1. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
2. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote.
3. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following two week period. Some weeks like during E3, this may not be possible, so we will have an interim one week period until normality is resumed. As a general rule, we like to keep this on the alternate week to the Creative Writing Thread.
4. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want.
5. Optional secondary objectives are not mandatory, you can include them or not.
6. Further addition to rule five: you can also try the secondary objective as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such.
7. Vote for your favourite poems. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. Don't vote for the same author twice. And watch out for pieces that are labeled ineligible - comments on these pieces labelled as such are welcome but you just can't vote for them. Incidentally, feel free to vote even if you haven't submitted a piece - the more the merrier :)
8. During the count, First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point.
9. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide to how to go about things.
10. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such. After which Rule 3 is in effect and we start a new thread.

Deadline: Friday, Februrary 4th, 2011 at 11:59pm, Pacific.

You should get your votes in by: Sunday, February 6th, 2011 at 11:59pm, Pacific.

---

The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Alumni's Archive


The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Previous Challenges:

Poetry Challenge #01: Reflection
Poetry Challenge #02: Making the Blind See (+ 5W poems)
Poetry Challenge #03: Interior (+ Incorporate a song or album title)
Poetry Challenge #04: History (+ Dream Song poems)
Poetry Challenge #05: A View From Afar or Within (+ Clerihew poems)
Poetry Challenge #06: The Surreal and the Fantastical (+ Haikus)
Poetry Challenge #07: Expectations versus Reality (+ Ode)
Poetry Challenge #08: Mirror's Edge (+ Rhymes)
Poetry Challenge #09: Look on the Bright Side (+ poem must end with _________________ as it's last line)
Poetry Challenge #10: Obsolete (+ Ink)
Poetry Challenge #11: Pride (+ Kanye West)
Poetry Challenge #12: Passing By (+ Allegory)
Poetry Challenge #13: Take this Society (+ Ballards)
Poetry Challenge #14: The Dark (+ Add Zombies to taste)
Poetry Challenge #15: The Great Winter (+ Elegy)
Poetry Challenge #16: What Nature Reclaims (+ Lay)
Poetry Challenge #17: Storm Clouds Rising (+ First Person)
 
W

WanderingWind

Mecklemore Is My Favorite Wrapper
Single twitch of thought.
A moment remembered.

Broken tire
Empty road
Darkened window
Empty bed

Shouting your name
When I fall awake
Short, broken lies

When all else fails me
I stir the embers
Recalling so faintly

One moment in time
When you whispered my name
And I flew on wings of flame.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Should have dropped the 'thread' part, I guess. Maybe even kept it as: Neogaf's Poetry Corner.... Challenge#18 The Phoenix.

Anyways, love the theme. Ashes and all. :)

I have always had a thing for Phoenixes. Magical things...
And link to adult age as well. Nicely done if that was intentional....

edit: Can't get the crit out of me it seems... :(
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Thanks for the link in the story thread. I need to get back to this. I don't know if I can hit this one -- I'll be at a writing conference, actually! -- but I like the theme.
 
D

disappeared

Banned
"january 27th"

one day my father he said
son I'm going to show you
something
we walked out into a field
where there were birds
two flew in circles
then one flew down
grabbed something with its feet,
he said
that mouse died,
and the bird flew away and the other followed,
but another is born tomorrow
that's the way of it,
the next day
I went out to see
no birds were circling in the field
 
A

Ashes

Banned
It is the 29th today,
My father died 16 years to the day.
I pause, continue, pause, continue, pause, continue,
throughout the day.
I catch my self watching trees.
The oldest living thing on planet earth, and thus to our knowledge, the universe, is a tree.
Did you know that? Except for the Hydra (genus) of course. But they don't die. They're kind of like a phoenix.
If I were an animal, I would be a bird.
If I were a bird, I would be an eagle. Or a falcon.
And if magic existed, I'd be a phoenix. Ashes and all.
Phoenix, Phoenix, Phoenix.
I irritate myself, sometimes when I write,
all fixated, on the point of a piece.
If I'm honest, I feel as if I'm fumbling about in the dark, trying to find a lighter, rather then lighting a candle in the dark.

I've always thought that I have a hard time writing about myself.
I'm always trying to keep my self at a distance from my characters.
and yet here I am. Plain old me.

Has it been a good year? Perhaps so.
The biggest realisation of the year, last year to now that is,
Is that I'm a party to my own fate.

Well, I didn't know how to begin, and now, I do not know how to end this piece.
I guess I'll wish you all a good day.
My old man used to say, working hard ensures the best possible chance to make your dreams come true.
So here's to him, and to you;
... To a good year. To all a good year.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
The labored breaths
The heart struggling
To wet the vessels
I have but one thing
To hold on to dearly
The orange dot
Turns red as a ruby
As I start to suckle
On the teat of it
One last drag
One last flight
One last moment
Before the respite
One last promise
Will be broken
Like my lifeline
The charred ashes
The passage of smog
To calm my nerves
A farmer’s heart
An industry
The grocery store
The trees cut down
To light the matches
Mean nothing personally
The milligrams of tar
Over the years
Blackened lungs
White cigarettes
Never learnt the lesson
Through the rough patches
Yet I lived over a hundred years
-----------------------------------------------

Tried something very different to what I usually do. Hope it works.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
This is way rough and I stole the title from a GAF thread. >.>


Jeddah is Drowning

Egypt erupts and Jeddah
is drowning. The desert
disappears, boiled beneath
walls of water. On YouTube
I see a man dressed

in sharkskin latex, riding
a SeaDoo past a woman’s
arm. She reaches
for air. There is nothing
that protects Jeddah when
the Red Sea rises.

Messages swim from hand
to hand, blowing up
Blackberries and firing
rich black eyes. They will go
together with fists raised, first
to the municipality and then to
Buraiman, alone, subdued and

quiet. Prince Mishaal bin Majed says
Jeddah will shake it off, will be
dry and normal tomorrow. He says
five deaths; voices whispering
on hidden blogs cry fifty,
hundreds. Some are airlifted,
spiraling up and away
from the water. I cling
to my computer, watching
a child clutch a streetlight

gone dark. The Prince says
it will light again tomorrow
when they sweep away
the debris, when riyals
flow instead of water, and new
malls start springing up
like mushrooms in the night,
and things will be good, until
the city floods once more.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
A day to go! A day to go! A day to go!

edit: My mistake!

two days to go! two days to go! two days to go!
 
I

Irish

Member
It's part of the human condition,
you see, to be more than we
could ever hope to achieve.
That is why we have created
a number of institutions
to be sated.
Schools, governments, companies,
and clubs all exist because we
desire a life above our own
and know our name won't
carry on.
Of course, if we choose another
title and pass it on to our successor,
we will be remembered for years to come.
Not as ourselves by any means,
but as the actions committed under
that flag.
Robin Hood, Batman, and the little boy wonder
A symbol we don and continue to live on through.
 
R

Raguel

Member
I'd like to participate. Here's my entry:

She asked me,
where I go when I dream
And I told her
Where ever you allow me.

She smiled then, asking
Will you hold me when the world reawakens?
And I told her that
it wont wake from memories like yours

She frowned,
telling me to that it will be alright
And I cried,
waking from her dream of rebirth
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Ended up with two in the end, but couldn't chose between them, so I'll submit both - also had a 3rd one about that protester in Egypt with a helmet made out of bread, but I didn't really like it beyond one line ("Like a Knight of Baked Goods, a doughy bastion of democracy and freedom of expression").

The Sorceress

Hold the vial tight, my dear
close to your breast
Add a drop of your blood
so we may escape our rest

A lock of your hair, dear
twined into the broth
Mixed with bone's marrow
and covered in cloth

A white linen shroud
so the potion may stew
Now recite the lines
while our redemption brews

Chant the call, my dear
reach beyond the grave
And give unto us
the life that we crave

Invoke the Gods presence
so that they might cower
Under the dark force
of your spellcraft's power

And while they're enthralled
drink the potion down
Bend creation to your will
and claim the God's crown

Sparkling and shining
atop your graceful brow
Like so many fallow fields
the world we shall plough

And divide it all up
between those we enthralled
Conquered and beaten
in their blood we shall scrawl.

Current Affairs

You cling to your power
like a baby at it's mother's teat
The people don't fear you
and their cries will not cease
With the eyes of the world
centred firmly on your brow
you hide from their gaze
in your ivory tower
Appeasing foreign allies
and bargaining for time
But how much longer
before tensions rise?
And when violence erupts
between opposing sides
Where will you be?
Gone with the tide.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Morning Ladies and Gents, here is the entry list for this week:

_____________________________

Entries
_____________


WonderingWind - untitled

disappeared - January 27th

Ashes1396 - The brevity of life

AnkitT - Cremation

hey_monkey - Jeddah is Drowning

Irish - Ever

Raguel - unititled

Bootaaay - The Sourceress

Bootaay - Current Affairs



Quick reminder:

i. Vote for your top three picks to be eligible to win.
ii. You don't need to have entered a piece to vote. Anyone is eligible to vote.
ii. You can't vote for the same author twice.
iv. Feed back or crits are appreciated. :)

You should get your votes in by: Sunday, February 6th, 2011 at 11:59pm, Pacific.
 
R

Raguel

Member
1) WanderingWind
2)Disappeared
3)Bootaay (the sorceress)

The imagery in Wanderingwind's verses, while sparse, are very effective. So is Disappeared. His is like a coming of age story that invokes almost a sense of nostalgia. And Bootaay's the sorcress rhyming works very effectively.

and thanks for the votes guys.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Bootaaay said:
Ooh, I like the snazzy countdown thing - thanks for compiling the entries Ashes.

And thanks for the vote Rocket Scientist, but could you specify which of my pieces you voted for?
Click to expand...

Title change, topic choice, op banner... us old timers have done well I think. :)
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Damn you all, this was a tough vote - every poem was great this week and it's awesome to see so many entries again.

Votes;

1. hey_monkey - Jedah is Drowning
2. AnkitT - Cremation
3. Raguel - Untitled

Crits;

. WanderingWind - this piece feels a bit stilted for the first few stanzas, but is still evocative and improves a whole lot with the last two stanzas, plus the rhymed ending is quite effective.

. disappeared - the line breaks towards the start could use some work, and the poem ended rather abruptly, but I like the overall feel of the piece.

. Ashes1396 - a little unfocused and rambling in places, but you end it very well and I like the line about the lighter and candle.

. AnkitT - good job with this one man, I like the style of it and you evoke the meaning of the piece very well. Also, the repetition of 'one' helps the rhythm of the piece, but I feel you lose some of that rhythm towards the end.

. hey_monkey - very evocative piece, I loved the parallel you make between the child clutching the street-light and you clutching your computer. It feels slightly prosaic in the middle, but is wonderfully realised and you bring it home well with the final lines.

. Irish - I like the theme of the piece, but found it a slightly awkward read. Was the rhyming of see/achieve and created/sated intentional? Because I felt it lent a good rhythm to the piece that then went missing afterwards.

. Raguel - short and sweet, I found this piece to be perfectly paced, but I just wish there was a bit more of it.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
1. Bootaay - Current Affairs

2. disappeared - January 27th

3. AnkitT - Cremation

hm. raguel, hey_monkey
 
A

Ashes

Banned
_____________________________

Results
______________


1. Raguel - unititled: 7pts ***
1. disappeared - January 27th: 7pts
2. WonderingWind - untitled: 6pts *
2. AnkitT - Cremation: 6pts *
3. Bootaaay - The Sourceress: 4pts
4. hey_monkey - Jeddah is Drowning: 3pts *
5. Bootaaay - Current Affairs 3pts*

*denotes first places.

The winner this week is Raguel with 7pts and three first places*. Congrats Raguel. Get the new thread up quick as you like!

*And cause he voted.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

Whazzup Homie!!! - NeoGAF Members You'd Like To Meet
Social Community 2
69
3K
Ozzy Onya A2Z replied
  • Locked
Help a NeoGAF member become a better NeoGAF member...
10
823
Kev Kev replied
The Invincible | Review Thread
Analysis Review
12
2K
wipeout364 replied
  • Locked
NeoGAF GOTY 2021 |OT| Voting thread (Up: Closed)
|OT| 2
86
10K
PharaoTutAnchAmun replied
Exoprimal |OT| A Crisis of Dinosaurs
4 5 6 7 8
379
14K
Punished Miku replied
Top Bottom