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The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #30: Dreams

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B

British Monsoon

Member
The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #30: Dreams

dreams1.jpg


Theme: Dreams;

Congrats again to the last challenge's winner Tim the Wiz who has provided the theme this week; Dreams, which you may interpret however you see fit.

Secondary Objective: The return of First Person;

Optionally, write your poem from the first person perspective.

Poetry thread Rules version 1.2:
1. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
2. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote.
3. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following two week period. Some weeks like during E3, this may not be possible, so we will have an interim one week period until normality is resumed. As a general rule, we like to keep this on the alternate week to the Creative Writing Thread.
4. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want.
5. Optional secondary objectives are not mandatory, you can include them or not.
6. Further addition to rule five: you can also try the secondary objective as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such.
7. Vote for your favourite poems. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. Don't vote for the same author twice. And watch out for pieces that are labeled ineligible - comments on these pieces labelled as such are welcome but you just can't vote for them. Incidentally, feel free to vote even if you haven't submitted a piece - the more the merrier :)
8. During the count, First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point.
9. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide to how to go about things.
10. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such. After which Rule 3 is in effect and we start a new thread.

Submission Deadline: (PST)

t1311404400z4.png


Voting Deadline: (PST)

t1311577200z4.png



---

The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Previous Challenges:

Poetry Challenge #01: Reflection
Poetry Challenge #02: Making the Blind See (+ 5W poems)
Poetry Challenge #03: Interior (+ Incorporate a song or album title)
Poetry Challenge #04: History (+ Dream Song poems)
Poetry Challenge #05: A View From Afar or Within (+ Clerihew poems)
Poetry Challenge #06: The Surreal and the Fantastical (+ Haikus)
Poetry Challenge #07: Expectations versus Reality (+ Ode)
Poetry Challenge #08: Mirror's Edge (+ Rhymes)
Poetry Challenge #09: Look on the Bright Side (+ poem must end with _________________ as it's last line)
Poetry Challenge #10: Obsolete (+ Ink)
Poetry Challenge #11: Pride (+ Kanye West)
Poetry Challenge #12: Passing By (+ Allegory)
Poetry Challenge #13: Take this Society (+ Ballards)
Poetry Challenge #14: The Dark (+ Add Zombies to taste)
Poetry Challenge #15: The Great Winter (+ Elegy)
Poetry Challenge #16: What Nature Reclaims (+ Lay)
Poetry Challenge #17: Storm Clouds Rising (+ First Person)
Poetry Challenge #18: The Phoenix (+ Enjambment)
Poetry Challenge #19: Psychopomps (+ Assonance)
Poetry Challenge #20: Death in the Family (+ Limericks)
Poetry Challenge #21: A Night on the Town (+ Didactic Poems)
Poetry Challenge #22: A Letter to the World (+ Inside Outside Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #23: The Blues
Poetry Challenge #24: Space, Above & Beyond (+ Prose Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #25: Futurism (+ Avoid Technology)
Poetry Challenge #26: Prove you Exist (+ Lyrical Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #27: Love, Happiness, Peace, Summer & Pixar! (+ Couplets)
Poetry Challenge #28: Dying Earth (+ Blank Verse)
Poetry Challenge #29: War (+ Narrative/Epic Poems)
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Alumni's Archive

 
T

Tim the Wiz

Banned
Thanks, guys. (Starting to feel better, Ashes. ;]) I flashed on a pretty good idea for this, actually. It's weird how much easier they are to get these days--I'm definitely used to struggling for inspiration. When it rains, it certainly pours.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Are you sleeping better? I.e. Dreaming more?
Do you find that you are writing closer to sleep or awake times?
Have you suffered from depression lately? < you don't have to answer that. Another way to say this: do you feel the need to write?
Or do you have more time to write? Or did you just make a habit of it..?

Inspiration springs are pretty interesting to me. Feel free to ignore the madman. :(

Looks like you're over the worst of whatever illness got you, but hope you completely recover, ASAP...
 
T

Tim the Wiz

Banned
Heh, that's a pretty detailed set of questions. The obvious answer is that the semester ended a few weeks ago and I haven't started vacation work yet, so I've got a lot of free time. And I really didn't have enough time to read fiction during last semester, either: I'm reading a whole lot more now.

Otherwise, pretty much the same. And I hope I recover fully soon, too. Got an interview for an internship on Friday. /nervous
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Think of the interviewer as a baldy.

Meh, you don't need advice. You'll lay the intellectual smackdown so hard, they'd be the fools to reject you.
 
I

iavi

Member
Congrats on the win, Tim. You had some amazing writing in that one.


And awesome theme. I've got a pretty expansive idea for this one. It may end up being the longest one I've done yet. Pretty excited about it.
 
N

Neutrality

Member
Okay, here we go.

Vincent

I will have a son
I will love my lover
I will build my home
With my own hands

I will face the world
I will break my own back
I will smile at you
From time to time

I will be the sky
I will be the earth
I will be the warmth
And never be cold

I will dance with you at our wedding
I will entertain the masses
I will make my father proud
And buy you flowers

But for now
I am but only me

I have no son
I'm without a lover
I live alone
In a house someone else built

The door is locked and the shades are drawn
I must go and lay down again
I haven't smiled in ages
You probably wouldn't smile back anyway

I fear the sky
I fear the earth
My heater has gone into disrepair
The nights here are cold and long

I couldn't begin to dance even if I tried
I'm rubbish at speeches, and stage fright consumes me
I miss and love my father
I can never remember to water flowers

Yes for right now I am but only me
A lost and lonely thing
What is a man, if not the sum of his faults
At least at nights I dream.
___

Feedback is appreciated.
 
W

Ward

Member
A Muddled Puddle

I recollect a dark and distant puddle, pooling on the floor.
The image hazy, hastens with clarity until I remember,
A mistaken memory, only a dream.
Delusions, dazed, mingled with memories.

I try to separate them but they swirl and combine, looking the same.
A dream so real I feel it, a memory so distant, could it be imagined?
Why do they all look the same, indistinguishable, overlapping.
Imagined, dreamed, memorized
The overlap is too much.

I seek a release, to open and spill these flashes in my mind.
Sets of memories that never happened, too many forgotten.
Future visions falling from my peripheral.

All that's left is a puddle on the ground.
Shimmering, shining, oblivious.
The drops form the puddle, the drips create the rhythm.
From the saturated shirt sleeve they fall.
From the cloth to the concave opening. wet, glistening, edged by charred flesh.
One bullet united thoughts, memories, and imagination.
One bullet undone as all spills to the floor.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
'Crows'

bold, baleful and black
the beady eyed crow sat
staring blankly back
into mine own fevered gaze

and when it's wings did flap
it's feathers they did snap
sending dust all a flutter
in the heat of mid-summer's day

then it's beak did part
and in ernest the call did start
a loud and raucous kaw-kaw'ing
drawing the others to the prey

'to the feast, dear brothers', it said
as birds descended in a flurry of dread
tearing forth red ribbons
my bloody flesh they began to flay.


'Streets of London'

At night, the city shone. Pale amber lights
illuminating the weathered streets.
In their warm luminous glow the people laughed,
and drank and fought and loved
and sang merry songs to the evening sky
which took their toasts and stared on impassively,
a thousand glittering lights keeping watch
as the people cavorted through the night,
unaware of the watchers looking on sullenly
from the mouth of every alcove and alley.
The laughter was a cruel music to their ears
as the people drank away their paper worries
and the rain began to beat down piteously,
drowning out the revelry and washing the streets
leaving only those behind with no where else to go.

"In our winter city,
the rain cries a little pity
for one more forgotten soul
and a world that doesn't care."
 
I

iavi

Member
Ashes1396 said:
& tidypub exclusivity dropped like a stone!
Click to expand...

Ha, funny thing is, I probably won't be doing it again. It's real nice, but it makes last-second edits a bit cumbersome.
 
N

Nix

Banned
Bitter Dreams; Sweet Relief

Dancing in my palm,
Hope that springs alive,
Churning out the darkness,
Until all that’s left is light,
Twirling and sailing,
Crashing through the darkest realm,
Becoming more angelic,
With every single step,
Spinning a tapestry of brightness,
Around the darkness in my heart,
Until it’s all gone,
Only a little bit remains,
Yet,
It still takes a hold of me,
Without that dance,
I am weak,
Darkness gnawing away,
My eyes glazed,
All I could feel was hate,
For the land,
For my life,
The pitiful way I wept,
Huddled in my corner,
I subside to the darkness,
And let it take over my life,
What’s a year or two,
In my reproachful life,
I’m tired,
Let me rest my head,
I no longer wish to see the light,
My lady now dances for me,
In an abyssal night,
Twirling through the darkness,
Almost Impish at the sight,
So I close my eyes,
And say Good night

Ah, my first contribution. Seems like fun, since they can be short; stories tend to be alot of work. Criticism is welcome/appreciated, since I already know I'm not that good.
 
T

Tim the Wiz

Banned
Utøya

I don't know. It may be too soon but I'm struggling to think of anything else today.

Miri said:
I'm taking a page straight out of your book with the Tidypub biz, Tim. I had never even realized that something that cool existed.
Click to expand...

Glad I could help. :)
 
A

Ashes

Banned
till we awake

The clouds;
dreams.
Talentless scout;
the truth will out.
The truth will out.

Silhoette kneel,
in front of the
god of your dreams;
Finish the portrait,
Finish the portrait.

Pull the curtains,
the mirror lies forlorn,
the illussion is torn.
The soul is gone.
The soul is gone.

You and I,
we shout, we scream.
The audience claps,
from their empty seats...

A bottle of red,
let it sweat.
Like rain on glass,
tonight we wept.
Tonight we wept.

off the stage,
our dust but remains,
to our homes,
oft we return,
our dreams we dream,
till we awake.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Sleeping beauty

Walking away,
down the dark alley,
through another corridor,
and onto the highway.

Look back,
over the shoulder,
to see if he has followed me,
no.​

The rain falls,
the dark sepia lights,
quite bright,
to the hazy eyes,
sparkle,
whilst the the sadness,
it creeps in uninvited.
It's over.

Look back,
over the shoulder,
to see if he has followed me,
no.​

The comprehensive catalouge,
of lingerie models,
lingering doubt,
and wavering the bond of trust.
Angels and demons,
the crackwhip of money,
short skirts, and red lipstick.

Look back,
over the shoulder,
to see if he has followed me,
no.​

He doesn't care,
not really.
It hurts.
I don't know what
I will do.

Up the stairs,
onto Tower Bridge,
a wedding party,
passes on the left,
I remember my own wedding,
ten years ago.​

The piano playing,
the lights dimmed down,
hand in hand,
the smiles,
the jubilant eyes.

The dreams we had,
the vows he tore,
but they don't matter,
to him. Not any more.​

Ten years of my life,
a third of it gone,
the mortgage,
the business,
the children...
School teachers,
and the freckled friends at
the school gates.
His mother,
my mother,
and Aunt Simone.

It's just the way he... oh,
Where do I look to?
Where do I turn?
How is this night to pass?
When will come morn?​

Foxes prowl,
the cats run about,
the roads are empty,
they're all in bed,
the London crowd.

No friend to call,
no sister on speed-dial,
the moments take ages,
The earth all but crawls.
​
A homeless man,
sleeps soundly,
in front of a leisure centre's
air vents,
it's warm airs,
consoling the cold night,
as he too dreams.

You make the best,
of the bed you find yourself in.
I say to my self,
the teetotal vegetarian.​

No trains, no buses,
no taxis to take
the wide awake drunk home.
and the mobile charge all but gone.

Where do I look to?
Where do I turn?
How is this night to pass?
When will come morn?​
 
T

Tim the Wiz

Banned
This is me turning over a new leaf on crits. Might as well do them early.

Vincent - Neutrality: Nailed the secondary objective. Great use of first-person perspective to impart a message which felt deeply personal.

A Muddled Puddle - Ward: Some interesting thoughts. I liked the last verse.

Wander walks with Lucidia - Miri: Good imagery, interesting story, some great turns of phrase. Nice.

Things and stuff - More Fun To Compute: Happens to us all.

Crows - Bootaaay: This is so, so good. In particular, I love the alliteration in the first verse and the second verse is just line-by-line perfect.

Streets of London - Bootaaay: Its tone seeks to capture the plight of the big city's forgotten souls and succeeds.

Bitter Dreams; Sweet Relief - Nix : Some good imagery on hand. Your work could benefit from using more structure in composition.

Again - Plywood: Some good sprigs of insight here, but (again) this could benefit from some more structure.

till we awake - Ashes: I really liked this. I understand the echo has significance, but, aesthetically, it will keep me from rewarding this poem as much as I want to. It just reads better to me without that echo.

Sleeping beauty - Ashes: A sprawling travelogue of introspective disrepair. Teeters on disjointed but I really enjoyed the imagery. London is an excellent environment to play off of and I certainly wouldn't mind seeing more of it in your poems.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
You're the op. Up to you really, but I was trying to do the secondary obj...

edit: it's more functional, the echo, the voice comes from inside, you, and then when you put your self in the critic's shoes... or maybe crowds, I didn't think it through... didn't work?

edit: and sleeping beauty is supposed to show how she is walking randomly, this way and that, one minute this way, another minute that way, left and right. Just wandering along the streets of London alone.
 
P

Plywood

NeoGAF's smiling token!
  1. Wander walks with Lucidia by Miri
  2. Vincent by Neutrality
  3. Sleeping beauty by Ashes

HM: Utøya by Tim the Wiz
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Hey guys, can we exted te deadline a bit? I'm just comin back from a festival and I'm a bit too inebrated to do your poems justice. I'll get my votes in within the next 12 hours.
 
P

Plywood

NeoGAF's smiling token!
Bootaaay said:
Hey guys, can we exted te deadline a bit? I'm just comin back from a festival and I'm a bit too inebrated to do your poems justice. I'll get my votes in within the next 12 hours.
Click to expand...
Sure thing, you did make the OP afterall.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Bootaaay said:
Hey guys, can we exted te deadline a bit? I'm just comin back from a festival and I'm a bit too inebrated to do your poems justice. I'll get my votes in within the next 12 hours.
Click to expand...


So the usual then? :p


Lock up after you get your votes in.... ;)
 
A

Amir0x

Banned
A painful note

Flashes upon a night sky
once dead
shadows shifting slowly by
all bled

specter's from times all faded;
she's there.
painful note, serenaded,
on air.

escape the faces through tears
shut down
turn to memories she shares
ghost town.

try to stop the harsh vision
too black.
screams echo, long excision
I crack.

a car seat, head turned to side
why her?
extend my hand out, I tried
a blur.

escaped breath, a final word
eyes close.
listen hard but never heard
heart slows.

wake up on a sweaty bed,
all gone.
the cost of dreams left unsaid.
it's dawn.

______________________________

edit: oh is this submission too late?

I guess I'll formulate a vote form...
 
I

iavi

Member
Amir0x said:
edit: oh is this submission too late?

I guess I'll formulate a vote form...
Click to expand...

It's way late, so it's not eligible for the voting, but I'll read and crit it for you as I do the others.

WanderingWind said:
Man, these threads are hard to find and tag. Hope to have something in time for deadline.
Click to expand...

The submissions deadline is up. It's the voting deadline that has yet to pass. These threads can be a tricky one to keep an eye on.
 
A

Amir0x

Banned
Miri said:
It's way late, so it's not eligible for the voting, but I'll read and crit it for you as I do the others.
Click to expand...

ah well. for some reason i thought today was the 23rd

*mumble*
 
I

iavi

Member
Amir0x said:
ah well. for some reason i thought today was the 23rd

*mumble*
Click to expand...

Ha, you're not the only one it happens to. It seems like we get a few a challenge. Still, feel free to vote though.
 
I

iavi

Member
Crits

Neutrality - That was incredibly personal, the first person making it so much more. Which while good, also leads into my issue with it. That being that it was too personal. I understand that you're still going through a tough time( again, my condolences) and that writing introspective pieces like this can be a major help, but you can't let the emotion overwhelm your prose. That's not a critique specific to this moment either. Subtlety.

Ward - That had a solid end. It was a bit redundant, and incredibly incohesive up to that point though. I'd say that you should work on your transparacy, but I don't know if that is right word. Give your ideas a bit more time in the oven.

More fun to Compute - I've been coming to enjoy understated pieces like this, but there's not enough here for me to really latch on to. It's something that everyone can relate to, I'm sure.

Bootaaay - Crows - I find it funny that you took the same route Ward did. The rhythmic alteration between lines, imagery, and overall pacing of the piece were as strong as ever. Thing is, there doesn't seem to be much more to it, and it doesn't fit the theme. This isn't your best one, man.

Bootaaay - Streets of London - You captured the... insignifigence of city life beautifully, and the imagery was strong, but neither was this one up to your usual efforts. And the funny thing is, this one is so 'in your box.' You seem to dig into theme of insignifigance pretty often in this thread. With your usual brand of subtelty, it makes for great poems, but I'd like to see you try something out of your comfort zone. I have the feeling that it'd be great.
note: this one with a stretch could fit the theme, but it's a long stretch.

Nix - First thing first, never say that you're not good. It affects the readers perception.

You really need to work on concept clarity & cohesivness. I could feel that you were going for something, but it was so lost in all of the back and forth that I wasn't able to take anything away. Kind of like I mentioned to ward, give your ideas some time in the oven, before you even begin to write. You'd be amazed at how much clearer they'll be to not just you, but the reader.

Tim the Wiz - There was a lot of feeling to be had in this one, and the writing was good. My issue is, it was much too similar to your last entry in image. The creativity wasn't really there this time.

Plywood - I really enjoyed the stylized repetition. You had a solid concept here, but you need to work on your execution. I can see that you were going for the secondary objective, but if you're going to do that, it should be from the perspective of a much more enigmatic narrator. Creativity in your prose that doesn't wholly confuse will capture the audience, is what I write by. It kind of lulls as is.

Ashes - till we awake - Ashes, you have some of the most eye-catching prose in the thread, the way you phrase is beautiful, but you really need to work on the transparency in your pieces. You also have the tendancy to get caught up on needless things such as the echo in this one, or rambles in some of your others. Whenever you come cohesively, it is amazing. I don't know what you need to do exactly to improve upon that, but please do it. You probably know better than I do.

Ashes - sleeping beauty - That... actually fell right into one of the crituques I mentioned in your first one. It wasn't as needlessly sprawling as you've done before, as this one provide incredibly solid image all the way through, but you can get your point across in so fewer words. I've always found that the longer I read on in a poem, the less meaningful it becomes. That's may just be me, but again, I'd suggest that your work on your cohesivness.

Another thing to note: I absolutely love how you try to push boundries, such as the alternating monologue in this one. Thing is, it doesn't work as well in this case. I had begun to think that it was two perspectives that I was following, and that didn't change until I read your explanation and reread your piece. It was an interesting idea, but it only confused.

Amir0x - That captured the almost horrifying unpredictability of a dream damn well. I'd suggest that... I don't know in this case. I wanted to say that your clarity was a bit off, but if I'm to go with the idea that it seems like you were trying to present, being unclear worked in your favor. This was pretty good, if not a bit, ironically enough, predictable as it came to its close.


Votes:

This is really hard...hmm

1. Sleeping Beauty - Ashes
2. Vincent - Neutrality
3. Utoya - Tim the Wiz

HM: Bootaaay (Streets of London), Plywood.

It's really too bad that you were late, Amir0x. Yours was pretty interesting.
 
N

Neutrality

Member
Bad day, forgot about the deadline...

1st - Plywood
2nd - Tim the Wiz
3rd - Bootaay

Sorry it took me a while to vote.
I can critique tomorrow.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Neutrality - very sombre in tone in the last half, I like the format and the parrellels you make, but the final stanza could do with a bit of re-tooling imo, although the last line works fine.

Ward - the final stanza is good, I like the ending, but the stanzas before it all seem a bit of a muddle. A more coherant formatting pattern could've helped this imo.

Miri - I really like the tone of this piece, but felt the rhyming pattern became a bit laboured towards the end.

More Fun to Compute - rings true, but could've done with expanding the idea a bit.

Nix - I like the natural rhythm of the piece at the beginning and the rhyming structure you use on the last 7 lines, but the middle feels a bit lacking.

Tim - I'm a sucker for a well rhymed poem, and this was indeed well rhymed. There's some great imagery here too, and I love the repetition of 'still the...' in the middle stanza.

Plywood - some nice imagery in this piece, I like the reversal of the first stanza later on in the poem and it ends strongly, but felt there was a certain pace to the piece that was lost somewhere in the middle.

Ashes - till we awake - fantastic imagery here, I loved 'like rain on glass/tonight we wept' and some of your language used was exceptional. The repetition of the final line in the stanzas works in some instances, but not in others, especially as some don't attempt a repetition. I would've left it in the first stanza and penultamate stanza, but not the others.

Ashes - Sleeping Beauty - very evocative piece, especially the last half, I like the formatting too, unique.

Amir0x - this piece ends perfectly, and I like the structure and rhythm of the piece, although it does falter slightly in places.

01. Ashes1396 (Sleeping Beauty)
02. Tim the Wiz
03. Plywood

HM; miri, Neutrality & Amir0x.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Miri said:
Get your votes in guys. All kinds of deadlines have been passed at this point.
Click to expand...
i'm in the middle of nowhere... Barely have a bar of internet... i shall try my utmost to get reading, but my charge is going... :(
 
I

iavi

Member
Ashes1396 said:
i'm in the middle of nowhere... Barely have a bar of internet... i shall try my utmost to get reading, but my charge is going... :(
Click to expand...

I know that feeling. Good luck, soldier!
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Ok, here's the scores I guess

1. Miri - 5 (1)
2. Tim the Wiz - 5
3. Plywood - 4 (1)

Miri takes the win with 5 points and one first place vote, congrats Miri! I'll post the updated templates in the next few hours.
 
I

iavi

Member
Thanks, though I'm not too happy about the way I won. I really wish you could've gotten your votes/crits in, Ashes.
 
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