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The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #44: Out of Reach

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A

AnkitT

Member
The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #44: Out of Reach

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Theme:Out of Reach

Money, power, respect, dreams, and so on. Why are they always ever so slightly out of reach? Certainly not for lack of trying! Keep trying to reach though.

Optional Secondary Objective: Storytelling

Got a story to tell? Well, do it!

Poetry Thread Rules 2.0

For poets entering:

  • You are allowed one entry based on the theme; and an optional second entry, if it meets the secondary objective.
  • There are no word counts. Interpret the theme as you wish.
  • If you're a brave soul, there is a 'super secret' optional objective: performing the poem. Don't worry - we will only judge your official entry (the written version). Try it out. Poetry Slams are always cool. ;)
For voters:

  • You can vote even if you haven't posted a poem.
  • Vote for your three favourite poems. But remember that:
    • you can't vote for your self
    • you can't pick two poems from the same author
    • you can't vote for an entry labelled 'ineligible'
  • You cannot win unless you vote.
Competition:

  • The contest runs for two weeks.
  • The deadline is on the last Friday. Once the final entry list is up, the voting begins; it finishes at the end of the weekend.
  • How we count the votes:
    • 1st place is allocated 3 pts; 2nd is allocated 2pts; 3rd is allocated 1pt
    • If there is no outright winner, we add half a point to 1st place, so that the person with the most first place votes win. If we still don't have a winner, we then leave it up to the op to decide how to best go about it; or to choose the outright winner
  • The winner gets a round of applause. They are then in charge of the new thread. If you can't make a new thread, just ask somebody in the current thread, and they might do it for you.
General:

  • This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
  • We like to keep the finale on the alternative week to its sister thread: the creative writing thread. Every so often, we get interrupted, such as during E3, and/or Nanowrimo.
  • The archives and the op templates are managed by Bootaaay. If you have a question about it, you can pm him.
  • A big thank you to him, and everybody else who manages the thread week in and week out. We would be worse off without them.
  • Everybody is welcome to enjoy the poetry on offer, or just vote, or just critique.

Submission Deadline; (PST)

Time is up!

Voting Deadline; (PST)

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The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Previous Challenges:

Poetry Challenge #01: Reflection
Poetry Challenge #02: Making the Blind See (+ 5W poems)
Poetry Challenge #03: Interior (+ Incorporate a song or album title)
Poetry Challenge #04: History (+ Dream Song poems)
Poetry Challenge #05: A View From Afar or Within (+ Clerihew poems)
Poetry Challenge #06: The Surreal and the Fantastical (+ Haikus)
Poetry Challenge #07: Expectations versus Reality (+ Ode)
Poetry Challenge #08: Mirror's Edge (+ Rhymes)
Poetry Challenge #09: Look on the Bright Side (+ poem must end with _________________ as it's last line)
Poetry Challenge #10: Obsolete (+ Ink)
Poetry Challenge #11: Pride (+ Kanye West)
Poetry Challenge #12: Passing By (+ Allegory)
Poetry Challenge #13: Take this Society (+ Ballards)
Poetry Challenge #14: The Dark (+ Add Zombies to taste)
Poetry Challenge #15: The Great Winter (+ Elegy)
Poetry Challenge #16: What Nature Reclaims (+ Lay)
Poetry Challenge #17: Storm Clouds Rising (+ First Person)
Poetry Challenge #18: The Phoenix (+ Enjambment)
Poetry Challenge #19: Psychopomps (+ Assonance)
Poetry Challenge #20: Death in the Family (+ Limericks)
Poetry Challenge #21: A Night on the Town (+ Didactic Poems)
Poetry Challenge #22: A Letter to the World (+ Inside Outside Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #23: The Blues
Poetry Challenge #24: Space, Above & Beyond (+ Prose Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #25: Futurism (+ Avoid Technology)
Poetry Challenge #26: Prove you Exist (+ Lyrical Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #27: Love, Happiness, Peace, Summer & Pixar! (+ Couplets)
Poetry Challenge #28: Dying Earth (+ Blank Verse)
Poetry Challenge #29: War (+ Narrative/Epic Poems)
Poetry Challenge #30: Dreams (+ the return of First Person)
Poetry Challenge #31: At Gunpoint (+ Epic Poetry/Broetry)
Poetry Challenge #32: Two Sides of an Epic Coin Toss (+ Metre & Rhythm)
Poetry Challenge #33: Lust (+ Poetry Slam)
Poetry Challenge #34: Fear (+ Lyric Poetry *To Accompaniment)
Poetry Challenge #35: Detachment (+ A return to allegory)
Poetry Challenge #36: Open (+ Throw Paint on the Wall, See What Sticks!)
Poetry Challenge #37: Chained (+ Cinquain poetry)
Poetry Challenge #38: The Human Experience
Poetry Challenge #39: Of Plants & Trees (+ The return of the Limerick)
Poetry Challenge #40: Homelessness (+ Etheree)
Poetry Challenge #41: Escape
Poetry Challenge #42: Eve of Destruction (+ Chōka)
Poetry Challenge #43: A life worth keeping (+Anger)
 
A

AnkitT

Member
The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Alumni's Archive

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A

AnkitT

Member
 
I

iavi

Member
If I was to say to you a story,
A simple one of somber setting, self-discovery
As the more fail to see the someones beside themselves,
Tell me, would my arrogance also arouse you,
Or simply make me angry? I'd like to be sure.

---
 
I

iavi

Member
Haha, as was mine to match the secondary. Till just recently, I had been sitting on the phrases:

"Their conversation had gone well."
"The club singed of purple."
"Hands in pants."
"Debauchery in circles"

But I scrapped them as I didn't really want to touch on either that image, or idea. I'm thinking about tackling the image that's little more rural, and an idea with a bit more weight--stated ambiguously, but the punch is in the surprise, me thinks.
 
I

iavi

Member
Yeah, not much time left at all. This thread's always operated on a last-minute basis, though... Unfortunately, lol.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
The noose is the third eye, the wake of destruction
I watch it dangling, the rope braided by poor folk
My hand can’t quite reach it, I laugh uneasily
The problem with buying cheap death

My brain holds these moments
They construct the scene, fill them with emotions
I remember the faces, the smells, the tastes
Moments so vivid that life pales in comparison

They used to tell me that I had the elixir of life
I worked hard to please the societal Oedipus
I worked hard to repel the machine labour
I worked hard to prolong the time of death

I was a miracle product of evolution
Just like a billion others, born in a cesspool gene pool
I wore the advertised money on my back
I wore the disguise of being content
I wore down my being to become what you meant

I was born into it, the dissatisfied hunger rampant
Cannibalistic rat race, blood dripping faces humane
Discordant dialogue drips with dead dissonance
My family, my town, my race, my continent, my language

I remember her, her facial features staring at me
Making an impassioned plea to buy something
Serviceable human contact, that too at a price
Life worthless like giving printed paper to mice

So they tell me to hang on to the coat tails
They tell me that society frowns upon it
They tell me that I have a purpose in life
They tell me, as I dig a hole in bought land

I still hear them, just as I am about to end it
It was as if I was deaf before, or they were mute
Just as I reach for the noose they shout
They call me a coward for pulling this shit on them

They call me a coward for not going through with it too
I am a coward regardless of which road I choose
My fellow man who still does not know my name
My fellow man who tried to guilt me into shame

So I look back at the noose, and it stares back
I have existed for less than that I did not
No one would care, as the noose hits neck bare
Hanging in mid-air, the same vacant, silent stare
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Gilded spires graze warlike clouds,
tinged blackened grey by the storm,
and as heavy raindrops steadily fall,
in grime ridden streets puddles form,
while huddled figures trudge and toil,
souls burnt bare with hungered malaise,
choking tendrils desperately coiled
about a city in the throes of decay,
and when the rains at last recede,
dull eyes raise skywards once more,
at gilded towers they glare with greed,
and dream escape from lives abhorred.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Murder

The light flickered,
the kitchen was dead,
I was awestruck by the
darkness inside
my unfiltered heart-throbbing
head.

In soft incandescent whispers,
my thoughts fluttered,
and concscience kick started
the human rights regime,
the knife dropped,
the penny left the building.

Cold swept corridors,
followed dust white sheet
covered rooms, in a misty
haze, that sparkled blue
and grey in the moonset night,
and that final door stuck fast,
so the old house punishes me. Drat.
 
I

iavi

Member
With reluctance, she gave him only a smile, but even still; the simpleton smiled ten-fold,
Then laughed, telling tales of their past as they pressed towards home;
A small town alone, to the rim of the thicket they rode to reach.
Then off their horses. The dirt to their feet. They’d have to walk the rest.
With long faltering eyelids, He wanted to hold, but she only told him that time was thin;
That the sun would set, and they’d be the more attractive of prey to the beasts
And beasts alike. He figured her “Right,” and said no more than “Home.
Home shall be where I lie my head.” To which she laughed, “I’ll wish for but a bed.
As it's impossible to lie your head on an image that exists only in it.”
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Turning to flames

Close your eyes, you live an idle life;
you don't live in a burnt-brick building,
broken kitchen, with a cheap boiling system.

Feel her touch, you're living the dream,
you're not covering the cracks of a lonely existence,
tepid, trepid, dirty, washing linen clothes.

The vinyl turns, the needle is sweet.
that's not police sirens disturbing the peace,
smoking roll-ups out the window; couple moaning upstairs.

The baby's crying in her little manger, that's real enough,
going to call her baby mama tomorrow,
maybe this time she'll pick up.
 
T

tehrafe

Member
I still remember when we danced for the first time,
her eyes pierced into my mind as if she knew.

We kissed and realized what was going on, it was so surreal,
love was flowing as we held each other close.

Time passed by with each day being an incredible adventure,
I'm glad I was there to spend it with you.

People around us could not see the passion that we shared,
just because you were a couple of years older.

Some time passed by and one day I dropped to my knees,
you made me the happiest man on earth by saying yes.

All of a sudden you had a change of mind,
your feelings for me faded as a memory once passed.

Time stopped and a violin cried a song of sadness,
I was back in my dark cave, sobbing.

Tears of bitterness flowed upon my cheeks,
my heart shattered into a million little pieces.

Never will I feel what I felt back then,
the true feeling of love.
 
T

tehrafe

Member
My votes:

1) Ward (Born in 1921; Airborne in 1944)
2) AnkitT (Cheap death)
3) Miri (For the scent and serenity of home)
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Some very courageous entries this week. I think I will do some decent crits this week. Hope it helps you (if only a minuscule amount) to master your craft. :)
 
I

iavi

Member
Ashes1396 said:
Some very courageous entries this week. I think I will do some decent crits this week. Hope it helps you (if only a minuscule amount) to master your craft. :)
Click to expand...

A solid critique always helps. Looking forward to it. And to keep the spirits up, I'll make sure to peruse and detail as well. A bit later though.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
1. Ward (Born in 1921; Airborne in 1944)
2. tehrafe (She was the one)
3. Ashes1396 (Turning into flames)
HM. Miri (For the scent and serenity of home)
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Cowardice crafted Cowardice - I adore the first three lines. It drew my attention in, even if the third line is a little off key. The fourth line I didn't get, and perhaps you meant to say 'you' instead of 'me' on the last line. I don't get the title. But will think on it. /honest./

Cheap death - Suicidal pieces are not my thing. Though this gives insight, as a poetry piece it flounders in a few places. First the positives: The noose as a third eye, it's a good description. The second stanza, doesn't make much sense to me. At first, I thought you carried from the opening statement, but it shifts to memories, or something quite like it. Most of the third stanza is overwritten. And the 4th, which at first I thought you could cut, feels as if it could be better, and I lke line 16 in that same stanza. The catch 22 later on is depressingly realistic. And ending the piece with the person staring at the noose is harsh but it goes with the spirit of the piece. /depressing./

Born in 1921; Airborne in 1944 - War pieces: I love them, and this one was poignant one to say the least. Some of the imagery like the contrast: white chutes in the night, worked really well, as did the overall chaotic, unprepared immediacy of the whole thing. If you could work on the rhythm, which you had in abundance for most of the piece to be fair, and work on what words follow best after another, then this would be a great piece. /war torn poetry/

Spires - I love the snaky way my eyes ran along the page from start to finish; very smooth and nicely done. Felt slightly confused as to the scene being described though, I kept thinking of a prison of some kind, though I'm not sure why. I didn't connect with this poem as I did with the others this week; technically superior but a slightly soullessly sung piece, if that makes sense. /crafted/

For the scent and serenity of home - Excellent sense of rhythm, and a nice ending. 'Time was thin', simple and just works effortlessly, though my favourite part is: He figured her “Right,” and said no more than “Home". Line 4 has three short sentences, and I feel these sentence stood out more than the rest, whereas it should just settle in. It broke the flow of the piece, though I get that it was deliberate, I think it would be better not to have these three sentences in the greater scheme of things. /sweet/

She was the one - Everything was so literal and the piece was just a retelling of an old story. Anybody can tell a story, a poet needs to show us a story, or tell us or point us in the direction of something, by illuminating the matter, showing us what we are missing. The experience of the piece would work so much better if there was greater depth, then just, 'tears of bitterness flowed', and 'true feeling of love.' Sometimes literal pieces can work, if the imagery is stark enough, and nothing else is needed to inspire the reader, or to make the reader feel what the poem is trying to make him or her feel. There needs to be a rhythm, a flow, a sense of meter and/or rhyme in the poem. /welcome aboard/

1. For the scent and serenity of home
2. Born in 1921; Airborne in 1944
3. Spires
Hm. Cheap death
And WM [Worth Mentioning] a half-decent effort for 'She was the one', by a new person to the thread. :)
 
I

iavi

Member
Sorry for the late crits/votes, guys.

Ankit (Cheap Death) - I have to agree with ashes in that I don’t much care for suicide stories in the short-form, as I feel like they’re melodrama incarnate without the needed padding. With that said, ironically enough, your expanding upon the quandary was great, as was the imagery that came along with it--”Serviceable human contact, that too at a price” being my fav phrase.

Ward (Born in 1921; Airborne in 1944) - I’m seeing a pattern here with your theme choices, lol. I absolutely loved this one, however. The image you crafted was ‘big,’ without dilution, if that makes any sense, and your idea was concise. Great piece all around, really.

Bootaaay (Spires) - I feel like I’ve been on repeat when it comes to yours, seriously, lol; the image as strong as ever, but I feel like it was lacking in idea a bit. Not to say that I didn’t think it was concise, it just didn’t resonate as well as some of your best, imo.

Ashes (Murder) - The first stanza set the scene, but it didn’t really capture me. The next two were better in image, but I still feel as if this one flew over my head.

Ashes (Turning to Flames) Now this one I dug a good bit, haha. I did feel as if the third stanza, while working, breaks the pattern you had set with the first two--as the final line describes the present scene rather than acting as contrast, I think--and the final stanza actually clashes a bit due to the rather abrupt change in language, but image was clear throughout, as was idea. Solid piece.

Tehrafe (She was the one) - It’s earnest, and I love that, but entirely unoriginal, imo. Funny thing is, I think that you’re the only one that openly took the challenge’s theme into account, lol. And I’m not saying that those particular themes our entirely pedestrian (as much as I want to), but that it then relies heavily on language/execution to weave it in a way that’s fresh. I didn’t see the language needed. Welcome aboard though!

[Votes]

1. Ward - Born in 1921; Airborne in 1944
2. Ashes - Turning to Flames
3. Ankit - Cheap Death
Hm: Bootaaay
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Results:

1. "Born in 1921; Airborne in 1944" - Ward (14 ****)
2. "Cheap death" - AnkitT (8*)
3. "For the scent and serenity of home" - Miri (4*)
3. "She was the one" - tehrafe (4)
3. "Turning to flames" - Ashes (4)
4. "Spires" - Bootaaay (2)
HM. "Cowardice crafted Cowardice" - Miri
HM. "Murder" - Ashes


Congrats to Ward! ;D

And finally, a big thank you to everyone who participated, read, critiqued, voted, entered, and overall gave the thread that bit of extra class. :p
Ward, onwards and upwards, my man. Where to now?
 
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