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21st Cenutry Holy Bible. A draft-esque alpha version

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N

Ntsouls

Banned
So SOUTH PARK or Family Guy . If you are not offended by these types of shows. Then proceed.

So I am working on writing up a 21st Century Version of the Bible. And I am unsure how to drum up followers or buzz or whatnot in order to successfully launch a kickstater campaign.

OR if I should even bother.
SO I ask all of you, who have the sense of humor or the religious convictions, to give me a critique.

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B_aQuEfjo8lteVgyZmZHUUt3bjA/edit

Leave a comment here. Or on the google docs thing.

Thanks. I'll reply to all of you as soon as I can.


Also. I'm working on a twitterized version of 21st Century Holy Bible as well.
https://twitter.com/c21HolyBible
 
Mengy

Mengy

wishes it were bannable to say mean things about Marvel
I just read a bit of it, and honestly I don't know what to think?


Why is the first thing that comes to mind?
 
B

Brakke

Banned
Terrible. Stop this. Don't ask money for this.

At first the universe was empty and without a defined shape. Like Filipina women.
Click to expand...

See guys, it's funny like South Park but you know really if you think about it it's not just a goof but there's actually like a message there it's pretty deep.
 
M

Mariolee

Member
Um, I love being supportive of GAF's projects and it seems that you've put a lot of work into it but it's not my humorous...cup of tea.

The shows and personalities you listed lampoon subjects with the help of visual comedy and music and voices with good (or at least adequate) delivery. Without any of those, applying the same type of writing style to what presumably will be a lot more than the 90 odd pages you have written already becomes sophomoric at best.

Like, I don't like Family Guy but I can see its appeal.
Now imagine if you just gave someone a script to a random Family Guy episode and asked them to read through it? I can't imagine it'd be much funnier.

If you want to see funny distilled into book form, I suggest reading Colbert's "I Am America and So Can You" or if you want something older read "Candide" by Voltaire.
 
N

Ntsouls

Banned
XiaNaphryz said:
So you're competing with this project then?



http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=861430

That's obviously more serious than what you're proposing, and not a comedic thing.
Click to expand...

I suppose I'm competing with every single version of the Bible ever available. But not really. Its just something easier to read and fun to read.

Stet said:
Yep, Family Guy is about right.
Click to expand...

Well. To each his own. What do YOU find funny? That may be why you dislike it.

alfredofroylan said:
More like "Cleveland show's" quality.
Click to expand...

Its an alpha version. Very very early copy. So take it as any early video game. It'll take more time to refine it more.

Mengy said:
I just read a bit of it, and honestly I don't know what to think?


Why is the first thing that comes to mind?
Click to expand...

Mmm. Well.. Its different.

Borgnine said:
Burn.
Click to expand...

I guess.

Brakke said:
Terrible. Stop this. Don't ask money for this.



See guys, it's funny like South Park but you know really if you think about it it's not just a goof but there's actually like a message there it's pretty deep.
Click to expand...

Theres always a group of people in America willing to buy into something. How many people watch something so low brow as Wipeout? Or Deal or no Deal?

There is an audience.

Mariolee said:
Um, I love being supportive of GAF's projects and it seems that you've put a lot of work into it but it's not my humorous...cup of tea.

The shows and personalities you listed lampoon subjects with the help of visual comedy and music and voices with good (or at least adequate) delivery. Without any of those, applying the same type of writing style to what presumably will be a lot more than the 60 odd pages you have written already becomes sophomoric at best.

Like, I don't like Family Guy but I can see its appeal.
Now imagine if you just gave someone a script to a random Family Guy episode and asked them to read through it? I can't imagine it'd be much funnier.

If you want to see funny distilled into book form, I suggest reading Colbert's "I Am America and So Can You" or if you want something older read "Candide" by Voltaire.
Click to expand...

If you are saying that it lacks refinement. That its balance of wit and vulgarity is not yet struck. I agree. It is , in its form now, too raw.
 
K

Kano on the Phone

Member
I couldn't get past 1:1 of Genesis. I imagine the next paragraph must contain the sentence "and God said let there be peepee!" but I like myself too much to read on and see for myself.

Whatever your plan B is, put all of your energy into it right now.
 
M

Mister_Bubbles

Member
You are doing exactly what I used to do when writing long bits of prose; trying way too hard. No-one likes a try-hard, and that kind of humour rarely works.

My advice (which, again, is nothing I haven't been given myself) is that if you're trying to simplify something and make it accessible, do that, rather than shoehorning in your own attempts at being clever at people.
 
M

Mariolee

Member
Ntsouls said:
There is an audience.
Click to expand...

But how many people do you think enjoy Family Guy as well as literature?

This is a book. It doesn't matter much if it's a comedic book unfortunately. Being in this type of media is one of the first things that stops people from even giving it a second thought.
 
N

Ntsouls

Banned
Kano on the Phone said:
I couldn't get past 1:1 of Genesis. I imagine the next paragraph must contain the sentence "and God said let there be peepee!" but I like myself too much to read on and see for myself.

Whatever your plan B is, put all of your energy into it right now.
Click to expand...

It takes humor, science and religion and attempts to combine it. Rather haphazardly as of now. But with refinement. It'll work better.


Mister_Bubbles said:
You are doing exactly what I used to do when writing long bits of prose; trying way too hard. No-one likes a try-hard, and that kind of humour rarely works.

My advice (which, again, is nothing I haven't been given myself) is that if you're trying to simplify something and make it accessible, do that, rather than shoehorning in your own attempts at being clever at people.
Click to expand...

Well it is an early attempt. The key to writing is re writing.


Mariolee said:
But how many people do you think enjoy Family Guy as well as literature?

This is a book. It doesn't matter much if it's a comedic book unfortunately. Being in this type of media is one of the first things that stops people from even giving it a second thought.
Click to expand...

I do. So there must be at least a hundred thousand people in USA or UK that do as well.
And that is all you really need to succeed.
 
S

Spider from Mars

tap that thorax
I say luckily because she was a SA-LUT. Like 88 guys was her "number" three

years before I even met her. GA-ROSS. Yeah, I‟m allowed to judge.
Click to expand...
Grow up dude. This entire project has MRA, try hard atheist written all over it.
 
K

Kano on the Phone

Member
Ntsouls said:
It takes humor, science and religion and attempts to combine it. Rather haphazardly as of now. But with refinement. It'll work better.
Click to expand...
As everyone has said though, the humor just isn't there, so what's left, a book for religious scientists? Or just a book for seculars to lol at religious types? The latter has been done far better a million times.
 
M

Mariolee

Member
Ntsouls said:
If you are saying that it lacks refinement. That its balance of wit and vulgarity is not yet struck. I agree. It is , in its form now, too raw.
Click to expand...

Sure, but it's raw to the point that it can't be cooked further enough to save it. I would say use this as a learning experience base for writing and perhaps try another writing project.

I'm curious to know what books you have read that have influenced your writing? Before writing again I'd really advise you take a look at the books I suggested before.

Ntsouls said:
I do. So there must be at least a hundred thousand people in USA or UK that do as well.
And that is all you really need to succeed.
Click to expand...

Show me the receipts.
There's also no guarantee that those hundred thousand people will ever even hear of your book unless you have any plans of a large advertising blitz or perhaps you were thinking that this book's premise alone would cause it to go viral?
 
A

alfredofroylan

Member
Ntsouls said:
Its an alpha version. Very very early copy. So take it as any early video game. It'll take more time to refine it more.
Click to expand...
Probably it's just me, but the racist "joke" at the second paragraph really turn me off. I'm sorry I'm not the audience for this but IMO I think that most of the stuff here is really low, even for the worst episodes of Family Guy. South Park? Maybe but SP has funny characters to support thye jokes.
 
B

Borgnine

MBA in pussy licensing and rights management
should even bother
Click to expand...

No you should not bother. This is one of the worst things I've ever read. It's not funny, at all. And it's not that this is not "my kind of humor," because all humor is my kind of humor, and this is not included in any of them. It's the definition of sophomoric, and it's going to end up on 4chan cringe threads if you continue. It is the Die Alone of the literary world.
 
N

Ntsouls

Banned
teruterubozu said:
Genesis and Exodus will be fun to re-write, but once you get to Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy, you'll wonder why you started.
Click to expand...

Yes. I am aware. But that is the challenge of it. You will notice how, when you get there, how I overcome the sections where they list name after name in Genesis. So I think I'll be able to overcome that challenge as well.

Stet said:
This thread is getting pretty funny.
Click to expand...

Jussssst read it. Its not that bad.

Spider from Mars said:
Grow up dude. This entire project has MRA, try hard atheist written all over it.
Click to expand...

Not at all. You are mistaken.

Kano on the Phone said:
As everyone has said though, the humor just isn't there, so what's left, a book for religious scientists? Or just a book for seculars to lol at religious types? The latter has been done far better a million times.
Click to expand...

It just depends on your sense of humor. This is a very raw copy of it. If you are given a raw rock that contains a flawless diamond. You'd crap over it too. You wouldn't bother to delve deeper into it. You wouldn't bother to see its potential.

This is not the fault of me. But the fault of the myopic.
 
M

Mariolee

Member
Borgnine said:
No you should not bother. This is one of the worst things I've ever read. It's not funny, at all. And it's not that this is not "my kind of humor," because all humor is my kind of humor, and this is not included in any of them. It's the definition of sophomoric, and it's going to end up on 4chan cringe threads if you continue. It is the Die Alone of the literary world.
Click to expand...

Alright, we don't have to be this brutal. Who among us has only written perfect literature? A quick look through any of our post histories would show that is never the case
excluding duckroll.
 
S

Stet

Banned
Ntsouls said:
It just depends on your sense of humor. This is a very raw copy of it. If you are given a raw rock that contains a flawless diamond. You'd crap over it too. You wouldn't bother to delve deeper into it. You wouldn't bother to see its potential.
Click to expand...

why would i crap on a rock
 
K

Kano on the Phone

Member
Ntsouls said:
It just depends on your sense of humor. This is a very raw copy of it. If you are given a raw rock that contains a flawless diamond. You'd crap over it too. You wouldn't bother to delve deeper into it. You wouldn't bother to see its potential.

This is not the fault of me. But the fault of the myopic.
Click to expand...

A jeweler would have enough sense not to hand me a rock and ask me what I thought of his diamond.

Where you're actually on track though is that it takes millions of years for a rock to become a diamond, and that's about how far off you are from making this funny.
 
E

EmCeeGramr

Member
I'm going to be honest and blunt. This is not an insult or an attempt to shame or humiliate you.

This is horribly unfunny and terrible.
 
N

Ntsouls

Banned
Mariolee said:
Sure, but it's raw to the point that it can't be cooked further enough to save it. I would say use this as a learning experience base for writing and perhaps try another writing project.

I'm curious to know what books you have read that have influenced your writing? Before writing again I'd really advise you take a look at the books I suggested before.



Show me the receipts.
There's also no guarantee that those hundred thousand people will ever even hear of your book unless you have any plans of a large advertising blitz or perhaps you were thinking that this book's premise alone would cause it to go viral?
Click to expand...

But we don't look at raw Minecraft as what it'll become. We looked at it as you do this book now.

No guarantee. Thus give up.
No. I think it'll work out. Far greater have succeeded with far worse.

alfredofroylan said:
Probably it's just me, but the racist "joke" at the second paragraph really turn me off. I'm sorry I'm not the audience for this but IMO I think that most of the stuff here is really low, even for the worst episodes of Family Guy. South Park? Maybe but SP has funny characters to support thye jokes.
Click to expand...

God is funny.

Borgnine said:
No you should not bother. This is one of the worst things I've ever read. It's not funny, at all. And it's not that this is not "my kind of humor," because all humor is my kind of humor, and this is not included in any of them. It's the definition of sophomoric, and it's going to end up on 4chan cringe threads if you continue. It is the Die Alone of the literary world.
Click to expand...

It'll be fine.


Gilgamesh said:
How old are you?
Click to expand...

Tell me. Book Of Mormon has a scene where Africans shove a book up a guys butt. Yet it wins Tonies.

I think you all misunderstand the potential this has.
 
A

AudioNoir

Banned
It's in the right ballpark as far as my personal tastes in humour, but there's no way I'd stick around for the end of the game. Like, the concept is a good one, but you're definitely not the guy to write it.

Maybe try dog grooming? Everyone loves dogs!
 
B

BearPawB

Banned
It would be one thing if this was a new or original idea.

But it isn't.

It would be another thing if it was a really good take on an old idea.

But it isn't.

You clearly have a lot of energy and excitement. I just think you should channel it elsewhere for now.



Also you should try and be less defensive. It is not helping
 
F

Fracas

#fuckonami
Borgnine said:
No you should not bother. This is one of the worst things I've ever read. It's not funny, at all. And it's not that this is not "my kind of humor," because all humor is my kind of humor, and this is not included in any of them. It's the definition of sophomoric, and it's going to end up on 4chan cringe threads if you continue. It is the Die Alone of the literary world.
Click to expand...

LOL how did I miss this
 
K

kess

Member
1:2 At first the universe was empty and without a defined shape. Like Filipina women. The universe was also quite dark, much darker than it is now. Yet, the Spirit of God hovered through this space, using it for somersaults, cartwheels and potato dancing.
Click to expand...

Pure. Poetry.
 
M

Mariolee

Member
Ntsouls said:
But we don't look at raw Minecraft as what it'll become. We looked at it as you do this book now.

No guarantee. Thus give up.
No. I think it'll work out. Far greater have succeeded with far worse.
Click to expand...

...what?
I said use this as a learning experience, not just give up. Grow as a writer, look at successful examples of BOOKS.

Like, why are you comparing a musical to a book?
 
N

Ntsouls

Banned
Mariolee said:
Alright, we don't have to be this brutal. Who among us has only written perfect literature? A quick look through any of our post histories would show that is never the case
excluding duckroll.
Click to expand...

I know what to expect from the internet. I just wanted to find that one of two people who gave a real honest critique. And maybe find that one guy who likes it to share it with a bunch more people.

You can't do that by not doing it.


Stet said:
why would i crap on a rock
Click to expand...

Seems the metaphor was lost on you.

Kano on the Phone said:
A jeweler would have enough sense not to hand me a rock and ask me what I thought of his diamond.

Where you're actually on track though is that it takes millions of years for a rock to become a diamond, and that's about how far off you are from making this funny.
Click to expand...


239-carat-diamond-300x250.jpg


I'm not handing you a rock. I'm showing you a raw flawless diamond that merely needs cut and polished.


EmCeeGramr said:
I'm going to be honest and blunt. This is not an insult or an attempt to shame or humiliate you.

This is horribly unfunny and terrible.
Click to expand...


Have you ever watched the Angry Video Game Nerd? There is an audience for anything.
 
P

Paskil

Member
Protip: If every single person is saying your idea is garbage, it might be time to tweak the original premise.
 
F

Fracas

#fuckonami
Ntsouls said:
239-carat-diamond-300x250.jpg


I'm not handing you a rock. I'm showing you a raw flawless diamond that merely needs cut and polished.
Click to expand...

Ok now that you're being super defensive and are not actually listening to anyone, I'll be honest.

You handed people a rock. A weird, unfunny rock covered in scribblings that resemble what a rebellious 6th grader would write on scrap paper when he's bored in church. This is not funny, like at all. You start with a racial joke? Really? I'm sorry but this doesn't work. It's very cool that you spent time writing it and put yourself out there for criticism but the very least you could do is take some of what people are saying to heart.
 
P

Paskil

Member
AudioNoir said:
This especially when he asked in the OP if he should even bother.

Dude gets a resounding NOPE but keeps trying to justify it.
Click to expand...

The thing is, you can kick start anything if you can sell your idea. Just because a kickstart is successful doesn't make your idea good, or mean that it will sell to anyone outside of the original donors.
 
E

EmCeeGramr

Member
i was gonna say "i like the part where you use the word "retard" and "faggot" a lot" but as a joke because that's grotesque and juvenile and not something i like at all, but then i got to this part where you talk about "the first transexual (sic)" in which Abram's father Terah is a "tranpire" with "shemale fangs" who created a "tranpire army" of "manly bitches" and then there's pages of story in which Abraham murders monster transgendered people in California

and i'm pretty sure you're an awful human being
 
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