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[Terra]

I need to vent some things here, and need your input about some stuff. Sorry about a wall of text and sort of complicated, but I am a little confused about what to do and where to go.

Two years ago, I met this girl. I was then 29 and she was 19 at the time.

We come from the same little village, but we had never really met before that night. But we got together a couple of times and slept together that summer, two years ago. It was amazing, and she is just beautiful. But when I asked her to the movies later that same summer, she politely declined. And the fall and winter just came and went.

She later hooked up with a friend of mine. Still we all hanged out together and no problems.

Then, forward to last summer. She dumped him, and me and her got together one more night.

Since then, me and her are sharing the same company of friends. So we often meet at gettogethers and parties, and have been doing that for the past two years. It often ends up with me and her talking all through the night, but nothing more now. I have shown a lot of frustration in this situation, as it feels she is playing my feelings.

Now fast forward to this day. We met at a party two days ago. We left the party, and it ended up in the sofa at her friends apartment. She told me she have been "seeing someone" for the past 8 months, but still, she crept up to me, and we layed there and I held her in my arms and we were cuddling a little.

She told me in the sofa that it is pretty awkward that we always ends up together on parties like we do. And she admitted that there are some feelings of some sort. However, she does not specify those feelings.

The thing is, that I have told her months ago that I really love her. Wich I really do. But as I am getting cooler, she is getting warmer so to speak. I had no clear intentions of ending up in the sofa with her the other day, but as I played things cool, she cranked things up by approaching me instead.

I don't know where to take this. A new summer is approaching and we will certainly see each other again on some parties. But the thing is that I really want to make her mine, but I just don't know how to. I am stumped and I am in love with her. Do you gaffers have any advice on where to go from here? Or should I just give it all up?

 

[Harry_Tequila]

I was chatting to a girl on Tinder yesterday and we've tentatively agreed to meet up for drink next Friday.

It's okay to chill out and get in contact in a couple of days to organise the specifics, right?

That wouldn't be leaving it too long?

 

[hipgnosis]

I was chatting to a girl on Tinder yesterday and we've tentatively agreed to meet up for drink next Friday.

It's okay to chill out and get in contact in a couple of days to organise the specifics, right?

That wouldn't be leaving it too long?

Yeah totally fine. Too much texting beforehand might be bad.

 

[electricshake]

Gaf...oh, Gaf. I find myself still in the same situation. You've given me some terrific advice, which I've not fully heeded. It's an amazingly complex situation for me and I just sort of need to vent someplace and have no place else to do so. Sometimes just writing shit down helps.

So, this chick. I really care about her. She claims to really care about me. We went out like 6 or 7 times in three weeks. Got to know each other. Made it official. Met her mom. Been intimate. Text very frequently. Really enjoy our company.

Again, haven't psychically spent time with this chick in now 16 days. We're always texting. I've asked her if she's being distant, I've asked if she just wants to be friends, or if her feelings have changed. "No" on all accounts. I've suggested things for us to do. I've offered to pay any potential costs associated with those activities. Even when we can't sync up days off I only sleep like 4-5 hours a night so I'm like "Hey, why don't we hang out once I'm off work?". I feel I've tried to be accommodating.

We've both put in with our works to be off on the 21st of this month to go on a big, day-long Geocaching date at the beach. I'm finally going to meet her dog, whom I've always wanted to meet, we're working on a big cache we're going to plant, etc... It'll be a fun day out with someone whom I care about and who, again, CLAIMS to care about me.

The thing is, even if that day comes without a hitch, the date happens, and a good time is had by all. Even if that all happens like I'm hoping it'll have been over a month since we'd seen each other at that point. That's some bullshit.

How can you profess to care about someone so much and then never try to see them. I've done everything in my power to try to make it appealing and convenient. I'm feeling like some thirsty-ass simp begging this chick to spend time with me when it was her goddamned idea to make us official in the first place. Her who first messaged me on OKC, her who suggested I meet her mom, her who initiated everything, and her who swears up and down that her feelings have not changed.

What in the flipping fuck, Gaf? I'm so at a loss. When I'm into a woman, I want to neglect every single responsibility and spend time with them. Of course, I don't, but I want to. This shit doesn't even seem like a real relationship to me. I feel like I'm dating a fucking ghost up in this shit. I can't hug a text. I can't fucking hold hands with a Facebook post.

Here's the thing. She had a personal tragedy happen recently. I don't want to go into details because it's so highly personal. Suffice it to say, though I'm a dude and can't truly understand women's issues, I'm assuming this would be highly traumatic for a lot of women. She's apologized for being neglectful, she's asked me for understanding in this time. Thing is, Gaf, it's been while now and I don't know if I'm just being understanding or if I'm being a fool and taken advantage of. Has my relationship gone off the rails and turned me into some pathetic, thirsty dude? Have I become "Friendzoned" in my own relationship?

Is my continued patience in this matter me being a fucking simp or me being a caring, understanding partner? I want to be a good dude, but I want to see my damned girlfriend and this shit doesn't even feel real to me anymore despite the fact that I really like her and want it to be. Hey, there's a lot of shit I wish was real, but wishes don't make shit real, man.

I do NOT feel good about this. I feel like my pressing the issue is essentially saying to her "HEY, AREN'T YOU DONE GRIEVING YET? YOUR BOYFRIEND DEMANDS YOUR ATTENTION HERE. HELLLOOOOOOO!!!!" which seems sort of like a dick move, too. I don't want to lose her but, again, do I even "have" her? What the fuck good is a relationship that's just over the phone save once or twice a month? I feel literally like I've been bamboozled and somehow become merely her emotional support system.

My hope has been that I be a kind, understanding, and supportive boyfriend so when she comes out the other side of this shit that she sees what a worthwhile partner I am. Now I'm wondering if she'll EVER come out and, if she does, if her perception of me or of us will have shifted to some weird non-sexual "Friend" bullshit. Fuck that. I've got lots of friends, and I don't go through my days heartsick at not seeing THOSE motherfuckers.

So, if you were in my shoes what are the limits on your patience, Gaf? I'm definitely going to have a kind, well-thought-out sitdown with her come the 21st if she has not made a concerted goddamned effort to see me before then. I'm going to ask her what she's looking for in a relationship because, as much as I care about her, and even might potentially more than care, if she's only looking for an e-penpal she dates once or twice a month I'm not really interested in that.

It's just so incredibly frustrating, guys. I thank you for enduring with me. This post was cathartic. You guys have been great with the advice, thanks. It hasn't fallen entirely on deaf ears, it's just such an incredibly complex line I'm dancing here between my own wants and needs and trying to care about someone else's wants and needs who is going through some shit. And that's another thing. I get over shit super fast. Everyone heals at their own pace so maybe I'm not a good judge of emotional convalescence but I almost want to be like "Jesus, you're still depressed at that awful fucking thing that happened to you? Move on, girl!".

I'm dumb, but not dumb enough to vocalize that thought. I understand not everyone is me and not everyone gets over shit super quick. Especially when I, as a guy, can't ever truly comprehend what it's like to go through it.So would you stay the course? Play the good, thoughtful boyfriend who gives her the time and space to heal? Or would you go renegade and be like "Hey, you want to be my girlfriend? What about MY emotional needs?".

It really does feel like a Mass Effect choice

I can relate to this. My ex and I hardly saw each other, partly due to our differing schedules (I work 9-5, he had college during the day and worked 6-10pm 4 days a week), but mainly because he spent most of his free time looking after his mum who isn't well. He cancelled on me more times than I can count, and when we did get to see each other it was only ever for an hour or two at a time. I tried to be understanding, I knew it wasn't his fault and when we were together it felt amazing. No guy ever made me feel the way he did. I think the longest we went without seeing each other was a month, and when we did finally see each other, he dumped me but told me it wasn't anything to do with me. A week and a half later we met up and agreed to give it another go. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I wanted to be with him more than anything so I tried my hardest. He became more distant, and pretty much stopped texting me. I tried giving him space but my insecurities got the better of me and I called him out on it, and told him I wanted to fix things between us but I couldn't if he wouldn't talk to me. He claimed he wanted to as well, but I pushed too hard and he ended it again. He said things had gotten worse at home, but he wouldn't talk to me about it. He told me it wasn't anything I had done, that I was great and had done more than enough to support him. But I can't help but think if I hadn't pushed him and let my own insecurities question everything this wouldn't have happened.

He's the only guy who ever made me feel good about myself but the fact he doesn't want to be with me makes me question everything he ever said and it's left my self confidence obliterated. It wasn't exactly great before I met him but now it's non-existent. I blame myself for everything and I'd do anything to change it, to fix it.

It's been four weeks since we broke up and I'm still an emotional wreck. Every guy I've wanted to be with has hurt me or left me, but none have ever left me feeling so hopeless. I never thought someone who was supposed to care about me could hurt me so much.

I've just realised I've hijacked your post with my own bullshit and not actually given you any advice. All I can say is you can't force someone to open up to you, they have to want to. I'd say give her space just now, but it depends on how long you can wait and if she's worth the wait. If I had a do-over, I would have told him I was here for him if and when he needed me and left it at that. He had real problems to deal with and I pushed him away and acted like a silly insecure little girl. I've never regretted anything more in my life.

 

[Horseticuffs]

I can relate to this. My ex and I hardly saw each other, partly due to our differing schedules (I work 9-5, he had college during the day and worked 6-10pm 4 days a week), but mainly because he spent most of his free time looking after his mum who isn't well. He cancelled on me more times than I can count, and when we did get to see each other it was only ever for an hour or two at a time. I tried to be understanding, I knew it wasn't his fault and when we were together it felt amazing. No guy ever made me feel the way he did. I think the longest we went without seeing each other was a month, and when we did finally see each other, he dumped me but told me it wasn't anything to do with me. A week and a half later we met up and agreed to give it another go. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I wanted to be with him more than anything so I tried my hardest. He became more distant, and pretty much stopped texting me. I tried giving him space but my insecurities got the better of me and I called him out on it, and told him I wanted to fix things between us but I couldn't if he wouldn't talk to me. He claimed he wanted to as well, but I pushed too hard and he ended it again. He said things had gotten worse at home, but he wouldn't talk to me about it. He told me it wasn't anything I had done, that I was great and had done more than enough to support him. But I can't help but think if I hadn't pushed him and let my own insecurities question everything this wouldn't have happened.

He's the only guy who ever made me feel good about myself but the fact he doesn't want to be with me makes me question everything he ever said and it's left my self confidence obliterated. It wasn't exactly great before I met him but now it's non-existent. I blame myself for everything and I'd do anything to change it, to fix it.

It's been four weeks since we broke up and I'm still an emotional wreck. Every guy I've wanted to be with has hurt me or left me, but none have ever left me feeling so hopeless. I never thought someone who was supposed to care about me could hurt me so much.

I've just realised I've hijacked your post with my own bullshit and not actually given you any advice. All I can say is you can't force someone to open up to you, they have to want to. I'd say give her space just now, but it depends on how long you can wait and if she's worth the wait. If I had a do-over, I would have told him I was here for him if and when he needed me and left it at that. He had real problems to deal with and I pushed him away and acted like a silly insecure little girl. I've never regretted anything more in my life.

Far from a hijack, I sincerely thank you for some real food for thought. Your story reads like something I might be writing to another poster in a few month's time. This is some Ebenezer Scrooge shit. This is a very dangerous game I'm playing here.

If I knew that she sincerely hadn't changed in her feeling towards me, that she wasn't just stringing me along because she admittedly has difficulty letting go of people, that I wasn't some damned thirsty simp-fool, I would feel so much better in all this.

Ah, but there goes that ol' demon insecurity you mentioned. How can I trust anyone when my entire relationship history shows that's a mistake?

Oh, what shall our indecisive hero do? To be continued, I guess...

I've got a lot of thinking to do. I'm so tired of walking around town at all hours thinking.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

You should probably spend the day with your mommies.

You should but you don't have to spend the whole weekend or even that whole day where you can't go out. That's just weird.

 

[grap3fruitman]

So the girl I went on a date with is still talking to me a bit. She's actually giving me fitness advice, haha, and we'll (hopefully) get to workout sometime together. Anyway, she suggested drinks since I was so nervous on the last date. She was taking about Monday/Tuesday but I just got bumped for another date she's got. I still don't know where to take her in suburbia? I don't get out, ever, so...

 

[Pat]

Gaf...oh, Gaf. I find myself still in the same situation. You've given me some terrific advice, which I've not fully heeded. It's an amazingly complex situation for me and I just sort of need to vent someplace and have no place else to do so. Sometimes just writing shit down helps.

So, this chick. I really care about her. She claims to really care about me. We went out like 6 or 7 times in three weeks. Got to know each other. Made it official. Met her mom. Been intimate. Text very frequently. Really enjoy our company.

Again, haven't psychically spent time with this chick in now 16 days. We're always texting. I've asked her if she's being distant, I've asked if she just wants to be friends, or if her feelings have changed. "No" on all accounts. I've suggested things for us to do. I've offered to pay any potential costs associated with those activities. Even when we can't sync up days off I only sleep like 4-5 hours a night so I'm like "Hey, why don't we hang out once I'm off work?". I feel I've tried to be accommodating.

We've both put in with our works to be off on the 21st of this month to go on a big, day-long Geocaching date at the beach. I'm finally going to meet her dog, whom I've always wanted to meet, we're working on a big cache we're going to plant, etc... It'll be a fun day out with someone whom I care about and who, again, CLAIMS to care about me.

The thing is, even if that day comes without a hitch, the date happens, and a good time is had by all. Even if that all happens like I'm hoping it'll have been over a month since we'd seen each other at that point. That's some bullshit.

How can you profess to care about someone so much and then never try to see them. I've done everything in my power to try to make it appealing and convenient. I'm feeling like some thirsty-ass simp begging this chick to spend time with me when it was her goddamned idea to make us official in the first place. Her who first messaged me on OKC, her who suggested I meet her mom, her who initiated everything, and her who swears up and down that her feelings have not changed.

What in the flipping fuck, Gaf? I'm so at a loss. When I'm into a woman, I want to neglect every single responsibility and spend time with them. Of course, I don't, but I want to. This shit doesn't even seem like a real relationship to me. I feel like I'm dating a fucking ghost up in this shit. I can't hug a text. I can't fucking hold hands with a Facebook post.

Here's the thing. She had a personal tragedy happen recently. I don't want to go into details because it's so highly personal. Suffice it to say, though I'm a dude and can't truly understand women's issues, I'm assuming this would be highly traumatic for a lot of women. She's apologized for being neglectful, she's asked me for understanding in this time. Thing is, Gaf, it's been while now and I don't know if I'm just being understanding or if I'm being a fool and taken advantage of. Has my relationship gone off the rails and turned me into some pathetic, thirsty dude? Have I become "Friendzoned" in my own relationship?

Is my continued patience in this matter me being a fucking simp or me being a caring, understanding partner? I want to be a good dude, but I want to see my damned girlfriend and this shit doesn't even feel real to me anymore despite the fact that I really like her and want it to be. Hey, there's a lot of shit I wish was real, but wishes don't make shit real, man.

I do NOT feel good about this. I feel like my pressing the issue is essentially saying to her "HEY, AREN'T YOU DONE GRIEVING YET? YOUR BOYFRIEND DEMANDS YOUR ATTENTION HERE. HELLLOOOOOOO!!!!" which seems sort of like a dick move, too. I don't want to lose her but, again, do I even "have" her? What the fuck good is a relationship that's just over the phone save once or twice a month? I feel literally like I've been bamboozled and somehow become merely her emotional support system.

My hope has been that I be a kind, understanding, and supportive boyfriend so when she comes out the other side of this shit that she sees what a worthwhile partner I am. Now I'm wondering if she'll EVER come out and, if she does, if her perception of me or of us will have shifted to some weird non-sexual "Friend" bullshit. Fuck that. I've got lots of friends, and I don't go through my days heartsick at not seeing THOSE motherfuckers.

So, if you were in my shoes what are the limits on your patience, Gaf? I'm definitely going to have a kind, well-thought-out sitdown with her come the 21st if she has not made a concerted goddamned effort to see me before then. I'm going to ask her what she's looking for in a relationship because, as much as I care about her, and even might potentially more than care, if she's only looking for an e-penpal she dates once or twice a month I'm not really interested in that.

It's just so incredibly frustrating, guys. I thank you for enduring with me. This post was cathartic. You guys have been great with the advice, thanks. It hasn't fallen entirely on deaf ears, it's just such an incredibly complex line I'm dancing here between my own wants and needs and trying to care about someone else's wants and needs who is going through some shit. And that's another thing. I get over shit super fast. Everyone heals at their own pace so maybe I'm not a good judge of emotional convalescence but I almost want to be like "Jesus, you're still depressed at that awful fucking thing that happened to you? Move on, girl!".

I'm dumb, but not dumb enough to vocalize that thought. I understand not everyone is me and not everyone gets over shit super quick. Especially when I, as a guy, can't ever truly comprehend what it's like to go through it.So would you stay the course? Play the good, thoughtful boyfriend who gives her the time and space to heal? Or would you go renegade and be like "Hey, you want to be my girlfriend? What about MY emotional needs?".

It really does feel like a Mass Effect choice

You've been absolutely respectful to her... But not to yourself. A relationship must evolve on both sides. If one side doesn't want to provide energy, or simply cannot, it will never work, even if you think this is the love of your life. Maybe she has her problems, maybe she's getting advantage of you, but whatever the reason, it doesn't matter: you're not feeling good in this relationship and that's not the purpose.

I'm sure you're afraid to be seen as an asshole if you let her down, but with what you've done so far, you're not. You did what you could do.

I've been in several relationships in the past and after each breakup, I always wondered myself what went wrong... But most of the time, I realized nobody was in fault: it simply did not work... And that's it.

So ask yourself if you're happy in this relationship and want to continue. If you're in doubt, you got your answer about what to do.

 

[dietertong]

So the girl I went on a date with is still talking to me a bit. She's actually giving me fitness advice, haha, and we'll (hopefully) get to workout sometime together. Anyway, she suggested drinks since I was so nervous on the last date. She was taking about Monday/Tuesday but I just got bumped for another date she's got. I still don't know where to take her in suburbia? I don't get out, ever, so...

Congrats bud! Little steps, just one breath at a time.

Are there any bowling alleys, rock climbing, mini putt places nearby? Some good local eating sports she may not know about? Heck even just a picnic somewhere depending on the weather can work out nicely.

 

[Minamu]

So the girl I went on a date with is still talking to me a bit. She's actually giving me fitness advice, haha, and we'll (hopefully) get to workout sometime together. Anyway, she suggested drinks since I was so nervous on the last date. She was taking about Monday/Tuesday but I just got bumped for another date she's got. I still don't know where to take her in suburbia? I don't get out, ever, so...

She has already suggested drinks, so why not let her pick a place? Ask her to surprise you with a cool place. There's no reason why you should have to do all the work all the time, especially when she has shown interest in seeing you again No need to be nervous about it man.

 

[The Artful Dodger]

So the girl I went on a date with is still talking to me a bit. She's actually giving me fitness advice, haha, and we'll (hopefully) get to workout sometime together. Anyway, she suggested drinks since I was so nervous on the last date. She was taking about Monday/Tuesday but I just got bumped for another date she's got. I still don't know where to take her in suburbia? I don't get out, ever, so...

Use Yelp.

 

[Panderp]

Can't say I've ever experienced having a hot and cold ex until now. I'd like to say that it doesn't bother me, but it does. It bothers me a lot, actually.

 

[The Insane Dufresne]

Gaf...oh, Gaf. I find myself still in the same situation. You've given me some terrific advice, which I've not fully heeded. It's an amazingly complex situation for me and I just sort of need to vent someplace and have no place else to do so. Sometimes just writing shit down helps.......

It sounds like you are too emotionally invested in her at the moment. That is not an abnormal occurrence in relationships but you need to keep a relatively cool head so that you can make decisions that are best for you. As the guy a few posts above me stated, relationships have a give-take dynamic. And in your case it seems as if you are willing to give more to the relationship than she is.

It is good that you care about her and that you are compassionate to her current issues but if you feel that you are not getting what you need from the relationship then it is probably best for you to move on.

Remember everything that you are feeling is normal. Right now it seems to me that you are overthinking this because you fear the uncertainty of the situation .

So in short I am just trying to tell you to step back and look at the situation with realistic expectations so that you can do what's best for you.

Good Luck!

 

[spuckthew]

Woe is me. I reckon I've fucked up proper this time. I was going to meet up with Mel today but this morning while fighting a hangover I said something REALLY dumb and I regret it profusely and have sincerely apologised.

Basically we were fishing for ideas on what to do. Here's a conversation:

Me: Got any bright ideas missy?
Her: Anywhere except here. My house is appalling you're not coming in.
Me: Harsh
Her: But very true.
Her: Plus if you did come in you'd find out about my wife and kids. [For the record, I have been inside her house a few times.]
Me: I'm a riot with kids it'll be fine. Not so much Thai brides but I'm sure we can work something out.
Her: Who said she was Thai?
Me: Me
Me: I was once married to a Thai woman but she died.
Her: Oh?
Me: Testicular cancer's a bitch. [It's a Jimmy Carr joke.]
Her: Did you just make a cancer joke at me awk [She had a skin cancer scare a while back.]

She hasn't spoken to me since. I apologised immediately for the poor taste. I attempted to apologise properly in person after some quiet sulking and self-loathing at home but no-one answered when I popped by. I just assumed she was closed up in her room and her house mates simply weren't in. After that I sent her a longer text to apologise and explain that it was a joke mainly about Thai lady boys and not one mocking cancer as best I could.

I was talking to my best mate about this and he reckons the joke, although in bad taste given her circumstances, isn't that bad and agreed with me that it's not so much a joke about cancer as it is about Thai women being male transgenders. He reckoned, if she is mad, that she's being overly sensitive about a joke that isn't directed at her in the slightest. He thinks if she's going to be like that she isn't worth the hassle, but I didn't really care for that comment because I like her a lot.

It's looking bleak, but I just hope I haven't completely blown it.

 

[Horseticuffs]

It sounds like you are too emotionally invested in her at the moment. That is not an abnormal occurrence in relationships but you need to keep a relatively cool head so that you can make decisions that are best for you. As the guy a few posts above me stated, relationships have a give-take dynamic. And in your case it seems as if you are willing to give more to the relationship than she is.

It is good that you care about her and that you are compassionate to her current issues but if you feel that you are not getting what you need from the relationship then it is probably best for you to move on.

Remember everything that you are feeling is normal. Right now it seems to me that you are overthinking this because you fear the uncertainty of the situation .

So in short I am just trying to tell you to step back and look at the situation with realistic expectations so that you can do what's best for you.

Good Luck!

You've been absolutely respectful to her... But not to yourself. A relationship must evolve on both sides. If one side doesn't want to provide energy, or simply cannot, it will never work, even if you think this is the love of your life. Maybe she has her problems, maybe she's getting advantage of you, but whatever the reason, it doesn't matter: you're not feeling good in this relationship and that's not the purpose.

I'm sure you're afraid to be seen as an asshole if you let her down, but with what you've done so far, you're not. You did what you could do.

I've been in several relationships in the past and after each breakup, I always wondered myself what went wrong... But most of the time, I realized nobody was in fault: it simply did not work... And that's it.

So ask yourself if you're happy in this relationship and want to continue. If you're in doubt, you got your answer about what to do.

Thanks for the insight, everyone. My mind keeps going back to "All suffering is born of desire". Ostensibly I'm desiring her attention, but surely there's some deeper thing going on here.

I think if I look back I've always been the one fighting and chasing to make things work. I've always sworn I'd never do that again, yet here I am. Maybe I need to let go and quit trying to make someone want me. Just live my life, spend time with her as the situation arises, and not flex about shit. Have no expectations and less attachment.

I enjoy spending time with her, but maybe I need to chill. That benefits her by giving the space she obviously wants and me by my not constantly freaking out.

Trying is the hard part.

 

[Idde]

Woe is me. I reckon I've fucked up proper this time. I was going to meet up with Mel today but this morning while fighting a hangover I said something REALLY dumb and I regret it profusely and have sincerely apologised.

Basically we were fishing for ideas on what to do. Here's a conversation:

Me: Got any bright ideas missy?
Her: Anywhere except here. My house is appalling you're not coming in.
Me: Harsh
Her: But very true.
Her: Plus if you did come in you'd find out about my wife and kids. [For the record, I have been inside her house a few times.]
Me: I'm a riot with kids it'll be fine. Not so much Thai brides but I'm sure we can work something out.
Her: Who said she was Thai?
Me: Me
Me: I was once married to a Thai woman but she died.
Her: Oh?
Me: Testicular cancer's a bitch. [It's a Jimmy Carr joke.]
Her: Did you just make a cancer joke at me awk [She had a skin cancer scare a while back.]

She hasn't spoken to me since. I apologised immediately for the poor taste. I attempted to apologise properly in person after some quiet sulking and self-loathing at home but no-one answered when I popped by. I just assumed she was closed up in her room and her house mates simply weren't in. After that I sent her a longer text to apologise and explain that it was a joke mainly about Thai lady boys and not one mocking cancer as best I could.

I was talking to my best mate about this and he reckons the joke, although in bad taste given her circumstances, isn't that bad and agreed with me that it's not so much a joke about cancer as it is about Thai women being male transgenders. He reckoned, if she is mad, that she's being overly sensitive about a joke that isn't directed at her in the slightest. He thinks if she's going to be like that she isn't worth the hassle, but I didn't really care for that comment because I like her a lot.

It's looking bleak, but I just hope I haven't completely blown it.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. If she knows your sense of humor, and it meshes well with hers (which it seems like) she should know that it wasn't a joke at her expense. And you apologized, so there's nothing else you can do. Have there been other instances where contact just fell off before?

Thanks for the insight, everyone. My mind keeps going back to "All suffering is born of desire". Ostensibly I'm desiring her attention, but surely there's some deeper thing going on here.

I think if I look back I've always been the one fighting and chasing to make things work. I've always sworn I'd never do that again, yet here I am. Maybe I need to let go and quit trying to make someone want me. Just live my life, spend time with her as the situation arises, and not flex about shit. Have no expectations and less attachment.

I enjoy spending time with her, but maybe I need to chill. That benefits her by giving the space she obviously wants and me by my not constantly freaking out.

Trying is the hard part.

Well, there's a couple of things. You should be happy in a relationship. If you're not getting what you need out of this, there's two things you can do. Either become content with the way things are now, or decide to end it.

Is there any indication that when this thing is over, you'll get to see her more often? Or is she really busy with other stuff anyway? People need different things from a relationship. If you need it to be more intense than she does, that could be a pretty big problem. You've talked about it before. Has she said she dislikes the little amount of time you guys have together? Or is she more or less happy the way things are now?

And why do you feel the need to be with her so much? It's perfectly logical of course, but you're talking about "all suffering is born of desire". Where does your desire come from? Do you see the lack of quality time you spend together as a sign she's losing interest? Do you have a fulfilling life by yourself, or are you trying to fill it up with her?

I can relate to this. My ex and I hardly saw each other, partly due to our differing schedules (I work 9-5, he had college during the day and worked 6-10pm 4 days a week), but mainly because he spent most of his free time looking after his mum who isn't well. He cancelled on me more times than I can count, and when we did get to see each other it was only ever for an hour or two at a time. I tried to be understanding, I knew it wasn't his fault and when we were together it felt amazing. No guy ever made me feel the way he did. I think the longest we went without seeing each other was a month, and when we did finally see each other, he dumped me but told me it wasn't anything to do with me. A week and a half later we met up and agreed to give it another go. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I wanted to be with him more than anything so I tried my hardest. He became more distant, and pretty much stopped texting me. I tried giving him space but my insecurities got the better of me and I called him out on it, and told him I wanted to fix things between us but I couldn't if he wouldn't talk to me. He claimed he wanted to as well, but I pushed too hard and he ended it again. He said things had gotten worse at home, but he wouldn't talk to me about it. He told me it wasn't anything I had done, that I was great and had done more than enough to support him. But I can't help but think if I hadn't pushed him and let my own insecurities question everything this wouldn't have happened.

He's the only guy who ever made me feel good about myself but the fact he doesn't want to be with me makes me question everything he ever said and it's left my self confidence obliterated. It wasn't exactly great before I met him but now it's non-existent. I blame myself for everything and I'd do anything to change it, to fix it.

It's been four weeks since we broke up and I'm still an emotional wreck. Every guy I've wanted to be with has hurt me or left me, but none have ever left me feeling so hopeless. I never thought someone who was supposed to care about me could hurt me so much.

I've just realised I've hijacked your post with my own bullshit and not actually given you any advice. All I can say is you can't force someone to open up to you, they have to want to. I'd say give her space just now, but it depends on how long you can wait and if she's worth the wait. If I had a do-over, I would have told him I was here for him if and when he needed me and left it at that. He had real problems to deal with and I pushed him away and acted like a silly insecure little girl. I've never regretted anything more in my life.

Sometimes people need to respect themselves enough to say: "this is it. I've had enough and I'm not taking it anymore." From what you've posted here it sounds like you've been more than accomodating and supportive. Even though he might not be responsible for the things that drove you apart, his situation wasn't making you happy. And you deserve to be happy.

That might sound completely hollow coming from some guy on the internet, but you sound like a good person. And instead of having your self confidence obliterated by him leaving you, you should totally take pride in the things he liked about you. And it's his loss that he ended it. And you should be happy you're no longer dependent on him. That might be difficult if he's the guy who has made you happiest in life. But if he can do that, someone else can do that as well.

Now I realy liked the girl who broke off contact as well. She was just so accepting and made me so happy as well. I have no idea how she could have made the decision she made when we had such a connection, and I have no idea if I'm ever going meet anybody like her again. But looking at it pragmatically, what's the point in skulking about losing her? It would be much better for my confidence and my well being if I'm just going to be happy. Much easier said than done of course. But I think you deserve to be happy.

 

[Horseticuffs]

Well, guys. A positive movement. She just texted to see if I was off Tuesday to go out of town with her. Sadly I'm not, but we're going to dinner after I get off when she's back in town.

Something to look forward to, but I'm still planning to have a talk about what we're both looking for.

 

[spuckthew]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. If she knows your sense of humor, and it meshes well with hers (which it seems like) she should know that it wasn't a joke at her expense. And you apologized, so there's nothing else you can do.

She says some odd things at times, just as I do, and I do believe our personalities gel, but I don't really know how susceptible she is to offensive comedy. She's certainly no prude, but in the same way I wouldn't necessarily find an Alzheimer's joke laugh out loud funny because I lost my nan to that disease and my other nan has it as well and know what it will slowly do to her, Mel probably doesn't find cancer jokes in good taste (even though, as pointed out, the joke wasn't about cancer itself, although perhaps my phrasing "is a bitch" was what drove it towards being more insensitive than it actually was). I'm not actually easily offended so I shouldn't necessarily assume the same is true for others.

Have there been other instances where contact just fell off before?

Honestly? All the time. I put it down to her bizarre sleeping pattern (as in, she's always fucking asleep). Sometimes she literally has got back to me with "Oh, I'm awake now." She's also been known to reply to messages hours later when I know without a shadow of a doubt that she's been online. I'm slowly learning to take her non-responsiveness with a pinch of salt, but it still irks when she vanishes mid-conversation.

Oh well...fingers crossed.

 

[The Artful Dodger]

Woe is me. I reckon I've fucked up proper this time. I was going to meet up with Mel today but this morning while fighting a hangover I said something REALLY dumb and I regret it profusely and have sincerely apologised.

Basically we were fishing for ideas on what to do. Here's a conversation:

Me: Got any bright ideas missy?
Her: Anywhere except here. My house is appalling you're not coming in.
Me: Harsh
Her: But very true.
Her: Plus if you did come in you'd find out about my wife and kids. [For the record, I have been inside her house a few times.]
Me: I'm a riot with kids it'll be fine. Not so much Thai brides but I'm sure we can work something out.
Her: Who said she was Thai?
Me: Me
Me: I was once married to a Thai woman but she died.
Her: Oh?
Me: Testicular cancer's a bitch. [It's a Jimmy Carr joke.]
Her: Did you just make a cancer joke at me awk [She had a skin cancer scare a while back.]

She hasn't spoken to me since. I apologised immediately for the poor taste. I attempted to apologise properly in person after some quiet sulking and self-loathing at home but no-one answered when I popped by. I just assumed she was closed up in her room and her house mates simply weren't in. After that I sent her a longer text to apologise and explain that it was a joke mainly about Thai lady boys and not one mocking cancer as best I could.

I was talking to my best mate about this and he reckons the joke, although in bad taste given her circumstances, isn't that bad and agreed with me that it's not so much a joke about cancer as it is about Thai women being male transgenders. He reckoned, if she is mad, that she's being overly sensitive about a joke that isn't directed at her in the slightest. He thinks if she's going to be like that she isn't worth the hassle, but I didn't really care for that comment because I like her a lot.

It's looking bleak, but I just hope I haven't completely blown it.

Read this.

Just let it go for now and hit her up tomorrow like nothing happened. even if it was sore subject and she knows you didn't mean it, it might've taken the wind out of her sails. It's rough to stay out of your own head in those instances but it's best to do just that and not sit around overthinking it.

 

[DMB4237]

Hey guys. So I have a bit of a dilemna

I started going out with my first proper girlfriend almost 3 weeks ago. As background information, she is a Japanese exchange student that came to my university this last semester. She's 21 and I'm 23. We hung out a bit before going out. Then one day when we went on a date to see a movie, I asked her to be my girlfriend. Since then we started hanging out together a lot and getting really intimate. We went on dates, I went to the university to help her with her final essays, I helped her move out of the dorm, stayed over at her place, brought her to mine where she met my mom, and she even stayed over as well. We've even said to each other that we love each other. In retrospect, I realize that we moved too fast, and I feel incredibly guilty about it.

We told each other a lot about our pasts. And she told me about her ex-boyfriend in Japan who she broke up with about a year ago. He broke up with her because he said that he needed new experiences with other girls. She told me her boyfriend found she was way too depended on him, and that's why he did it. She drew parallels between him and me because she is my first girlfriend. I tried to reassure her that I don't like thinking that I need new experiences, but she didn't believe me. This experience really hurt her self-esteem, and she is very sensitive about it.

Unfortunately, I'm a very direct person. maybe too direct. I like to speak my mind and feel it is important in a relationship. When I tried to explain this to her, she told me that she found that to be too much pressure and it's scary. As well, she told me that she wants to believe that I won't ever leave her, and that I could be her last boyfriend. This is what scared me.

A mixture of her Japanese culture and her past relationships made it really hard to convey my feelings about this to her because she isn't used to directness, but I eventually told her straight out. I told her I cannot commit to anything, and that if I promise anything to her I'd be lying. I also suggested that maybe we should be careful about saying "love" now, since I fear that it could hurt us if we take it this fast. She took this very personally and feels its an excuse for me to break up with her. She wants to believe me when I say I want to keep pursuing a relationship, but it's hard for her to accept it. My directness made her very confused about her feelings to me.

I wanted to find a way to speak my ideas in a better form for her, but I thought that if I kept them in for too long, the prolonged relationship would just be more painful. I feel guilty for being so direct to her. I feel like I'm just dumping a lot on her when I know she is sensitive about this, but I don't know how else to convey it. I've asked her how she feels constantly, but she doesn't want to share too much out of fear of putting a bad atmosphere in the relationship I believe.

I really want to keep this going, but my apprehension about this comes from the fact that we have only dated for just a few weeks, and my relationship with my parents has made it very hard to consider the concept of "forever" in a relationship. I've told her that she's still very special to me, and I want to keep this going, but I'm afraid that my directness is just hurting her. I don't know how to proceed from here. I don't know what to say out of fear that I'm just dumping more a burden on her. Does anyone have any advice?

 

[tringworldso]

My post isn't a question but an observation I've made over the past year.

A old friend who is a girl liked me but I had made my intentions crystal clear to her so that she didn't think I led her on that we can only be friends but still she'd message me randomly every month or so out of the blue which would always hint at weird relationship stuff. So finally I got fed up and thought randomly "why not delete her from facebook". Back in October I deleted her, her friends and she hasn't messaged/called since then!

Then in February this year there was a weird FB glitch where nearly half my friend list got deleted. Logged in a week later and found out so everyone I remembered was sent an apology message and a friend request to go along with it. Everyone accepted except for two people. One read my message, didn't bother replying and proceeded to delete (didn't even know that was possible with all that "not now" nonsense!) my request. The second one ignored my message and let the friend request stay pending. Shame really, I thought they both were cool girls.

Many people nowadays place a lot of importance on friending/unfriending and I was just wondering what views you all have on it.

 

[NeOak]

Hey guys. So I have a bit of a dilemna

I started going out with my first proper girlfriend almost 3 weeks ago. As background information, she is a Japanese exchange student that came to my university this last semester. She's 21 and I'm 23. We hung out a bit before going out. Then one day when we went on a date to see a movie, I asked her to be my girlfriend. Since then we started hanging out together a lot and getting really intimate. We went on dates, I went to the university to help her with her final essays, I helped her move out of the dorm, stayed over at her place, brought her to mine where she met my mom, and she even stayed over as well. We've even said to each other that we love each other. In retrospect, I realize that we moved too fast, and I feel incredibly guilty about it.

We told each other a lot about our pasts. And she told me about her ex-boyfriend in Japan who she broke up with about a year ago. He broke up with her because he said that he needed new experiences with other girls. She told me her boyfriend found she was way too depended on him, and that's why he did it. She drew parallels between him and me because she is my first girlfriend. I tried to reassure her that I don't like thinking that I need new experiences, but she didn't believe me. This experience really hurt her self-esteem, and she is very sensitive about it.

Unfortunately, I'm a very direct person. maybe too direct. I like to speak my mind and feel it is important in a relationship. When I tried to explain this to her, she told me that she found that to be too much pressure and it's scary. As well, she told me that she wants to believe that I won't ever leave her, and that I could be her last boyfriend. This is what scared me.

A mixture of her Japanese culture and her past relationships made it really hard to convey my feelings about this to her because she isn't used to directness, but I eventually told her straight out. I told her I cannot commit to anything, and that if I promise anything to her I'd be lying. I also suggested that maybe we should be careful about saying "love" now, since I fear that it could hurt us if we take it this fast. She took this very personally and feels its an excuse for me to break up with her. She wants to believe me when I say I want to keep pursuing a relationship, but it's hard for her to accept it. My directness made her very confused about her feelings to me.

I wanted to find a way to speak my ideas in a better form for her, but I thought that if I kept them in for too long, the prolonged relationship would just be more painful. I feel guilty for being so direct to her. I feel like I'm just dumping a lot on her when I know she is sensitive about this, but I don't know how else to convey it. I've asked her how she feels constantly, but she doesn't want to share too much out of fear of putting a bad atmosphere in the relationship I believe.

I really want to keep this going, but my apprehension about this comes from the fact that we have only dated for just a few weeks, and my relationship with my parents has made it very hard to consider the concept of "forever" in a relationship. I've told her that she's still very special to me, and I want to keep this going, but I'm afraid that my directness is just hurting her. I don't know how to proceed from here. I don't know what to say out of fear that I'm just dumping more a burden on her. Does anyone have any advice?

You took it a bit too far. Sure, it was fast, but you gotta learn to be diplomatic on how you say things, and the tact. Being direct it's good, but there are times when it's detrimental as you found out.

She confided in you these things and your answer was non committal when she was saying that you were someone that had earned her trust. The forever thing can work, but you seem to be insecure about it too. However, she was laying the cards on the table and explaining herself to you. Man, learn to listen and to shut the fuck up.

About the love thing, it's already out there. Thing is. In Japanese culture with the arranged marriages and shit, the love doesn't come easily, yet retracting it seems that you are having second thoughts.

What you could do is tell her that you "hope" to be her last boyfriend. You have to understand that she comes from a culture where loyalty and honor are big things. What you have to do is show her that you are willing to give it a try.

And please, next time you think about answering with non committal bullshit, bite your tongue. Until it bleeds.

She is out of her comfort zone dealing with you. Step out of your fucking comfort zone too and take responsibility of what you have already said to her. If she says that she loves you, answer back that you love her too. Stop trying to rationalize things. More actions, less words. Show her you care by doing stuff for her.

 

[DMB4237]

You took it a bit too far. Sure, it was fast, but you gotta learn to be diplomatic on how you say things, and the tact. Being direct it's good, but there are times when it's detrimental as you found out.

She confided in you these things and your answer was non committal when she was saying that you were someone that had earned her trust. The forever thing can work, but you seem to be insecure about it too. However, she was laying the cards on the table and explaining herself to you. Man, learn to listen and to shut the fuck up.

About the love thing, it's already out there. Thing is. In Japanese culture with the arranged marriages and shit, the love doesn't come easily, yet retracting it seems that you are having second thoughts.

What you could do is tell her that you "hope" to be her last boyfriend. You have to understand that she comes from a culture where loyalty and honor are big things. What you have to do is show her that you are willing to give it a try.

And please, next time you think about answering with non committal bullshit, bite your tongue. Until it bleeds.

She is out of her comfort zone dealing with you. Step out of your fucking comfort zone too and take responsibility of what you have already said to her. If she says that she loves you, answer back that you love her too. Stop trying to rationalize things. More actions, less words. Show her you care by doing stuff for her.

My god.... You don't know how much of a wake-up call that is.

Thank you so much. I feel like I can think properly now.

 

[hlhbk]

Hey guys. So I have a bit of a dilemna

I started going out with my first proper girlfriend almost 3 weeks ago. As background information, she is a Japanese exchange student that came to my university this last semester. She's 21 and I'm 23. We hung out a bit before going out. Then one day when we went on a date to see a movie, I asked her to be my girlfriend. Since then we started hanging out together a lot and getting really intimate. We went on dates, I went to the university to help her with her final essays, I helped her move out of the dorm, stayed over at her place, brought her to mine where she met my mom, and she even stayed over as well. We've even said to each other that we love each other. In retrospect, I realize that we moved too fast, and I feel incredibly guilty about it.

We told each other a lot about our pasts. And she told me about her ex-boyfriend in Japan who she broke up with about a year ago. He broke up with her because he said that he needed new experiences with other girls. She told me her boyfriend found she was way too depended on him, and that's why he did it. She drew parallels between him and me because she is my first girlfriend. I tried to reassure her that I don't like thinking that I need new experiences, but she didn't believe me. This experience really hurt her self-esteem, and she is very sensitive about it.

Unfortunately, I'm a very direct person. maybe too direct. I like to speak my mind and feel it is important in a relationship. When I tried to explain this to her, she told me that she found that to be too much pressure and it's scary. As well, she told me that she wants to believe that I won't ever leave her, and that I could be her last boyfriend. This is what scared me.

A mixture of her Japanese culture and her past relationships made it really hard to convey my feelings about this to her because she isn't used to directness, but I eventually told her straight out. I told her I cannot commit to anything, and that if I promise anything to her I'd be lying. I also suggested that maybe we should be careful about saying "love" now, since I fear that it could hurt us if we take it this fast. She took this very personally and feels its an excuse for me to break up with her. She wants to believe me when I say I want to keep pursuing a relationship, but it's hard for her to accept it. My directness made her very confused about her feelings to me.

I wanted to find a way to speak my ideas in a better form for her, but I thought that if I kept them in for too long, the prolonged relationship would just be more painful. I feel guilty for being so direct to her. I feel like I'm just dumping a lot on her when I know she is sensitive about this, but I don't know how else to convey it. I've asked her how she feels constantly, but she doesn't want to share too much out of fear of putting a bad atmosphere in the relationship I believe.

I really want to keep this going, but my apprehension about this comes from the fact that we have only dated for just a few weeks, and my relationship with my parents has made it very hard to consider the concept of "forever" in a relationship. I've told her that she's still very special to me, and I want to keep this going, but I'm afraid that my directness is just hurting her. I don't know how to proceed from here. I don't know what to say out of fear that I'm just dumping more a burden on her. Does anyone have any advice?

I can only say what I would do. If you really think you love this women you need to commit to her, if not be honest and up front now before you get even further down the rabbit hole and move on.

 

[NeOak]

My god.... You don't know how much of a wake-up call that is.

Thank you so much. I feel like I can think properly now.

I linked my post to a Japanese friend of mine. Here is what she said:

What a fool
What a fuckign foooooool
Aw man
That brought tears to my eyes
Looking at that fuck up
Very good answer to that
I probably would said the same
In much more simpler
tone
"You best stfu when someone talks about their feelings"
"Learn to aknowledge theirs while puttings yours out there on the table as well."
Etc etc

So, if you are going to be serious, notice that:

1. She acknowledges that she is your first girlfriend.
2. Not only that, but she is going into the relationship with the idea of being your FIRST and LAST girlfriend. As in, loyal and willing to put in the effort to make this shit work.
3. She tried to relate to your situation with her with how she had been in the past and you shot her down. YO! SHE IS YOUR "NEW" EXPERIENCE.
4. She already met your mom. You goofed up if you didn't want to take her that seriously. Too late to turn back.
5. She is a foreigner in a foreign country with a different culture. You will be her support and her pillar. She will reward you with undying loyalty.

So i'd suggest you go to her, HUG her, KISS her and tell her you do love her and want this shit to work. However, only do so if you really are going to put in the effort for that. Otherwise, bail out and stop wasting her time so she can find someone that is willing to give back as much as she has already given to you.

 

[DMB4237]

I linked my post to a Japanese friend of mine. Here is what she said:


So, if you are going to be serious, notice that:

1. She acknowledges that she is your first girlfriend.
2. Not only that, but she is going into the relationship with the idea of being your FIRST and LAST girlfriend. As in, loyal and willing to put in the effort to make this shit work.
3. She tried to relate to your situation with her with how she had been in the past and you shot her down. YO! SHE IS YOUR "NEW" EXPERIENCE.
4. She already met your mom. You goofed up if you didn't want to take her that seriously. Too late to turn back.
5. She is a foreigner in a foreign country with a different culture. You will be her support and her pillar. She will reward you with undying loyalty.

So i'd suggest you go to her, HUG her, KISS her and tell her you do love her and want this shit to work. However, only do so if you really are going to put in the effort for that. Otherwise, bail out and stop wasting her time so she can find someone that is willing to give back as much as she has already given to you.

This is excellent. Thank you so much! Yes. Now I'm willing to think about things like that. I'm exactly as your friend describe.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

I linked my post to a Japanese friend of mine. Here is what she said:


So, if you are going to be serious, notice that:

1. She acknowledges that she is your first girlfriend.
2. Not only that, but she is going into the relationship with the idea of being your FIRST and LAST girlfriend. As in, loyal and willing to put in the effort to make this shit work.
3. She tried to relate to your situation with her with how she had been in the past and you shot her down. YO! SHE IS YOUR "NEW" EXPERIENCE.
4. She already met your mom. You goofed up if you didn't want to take her that seriously. Too late to turn back.
5. She is a foreigner in a foreign country with a different culture. You will be her support and her pillar. She will reward you with undying loyalty.

So i'd suggest you go to her, HUG her, KISS her and tell her you do love her and want this shit to work. However, only do so if you really are going to put in the effort for that. Otherwise, bail out and stop wasting her time so she can find someone that is willing to give back as much as she has already given to you.

Yup, don't think there's much else to say than this.

 

[MilkBeard]

I need to vent some things here, and need your input about some stuff. Sorry about a wall of text and sort of complicated, but I am a little confused about what to do and where to go.

Two years ago, I met this girl. I was then 29 and she was 19 at the time.

We come from the same little village, but we had never really met before that night. But we got together a couple of times and slept together that summer, two years ago. It was amazing, and she is just beautiful. But when I asked her to the movies later that same summer, she politely declined. And the fall and winter just came and went.

She later hooked up with a friend of mine. Still we all hanged out together and no problems.

Then, forward to last summer. She dumped him, and me and her got together one more night.

Since then, me and her are sharing the same company of friends. So we often meet at gettogethers and parties, and have been doing that for the past two years. It often ends up with me and her talking all through the night, but nothing more now. I have shown a lot of frustration in this situation, as it feels she is playing my feelings.

Now fast forward to this day. We met at a party two days ago. We left the party, and it ended up in the sofa at her friends apartment. She told me she have been "seeing someone" for the past 8 months, but still, she crept up to me, and we layed there and I held her in my arms and we were cuddling a little.

She told me in the sofa that it is pretty awkward that we always ends up together on parties like we do. And she admitted that there are some feelings of some sort. However, she does not specify those feelings.

The thing is, that I have told her months ago that I really love her. Wich I really do. But as I am getting cooler, she is getting warmer so to speak. I had no clear intentions of ending up in the sofa with her the other day, but as I played things cool, she cranked things up by approaching me instead.

I don't know where to take this. A new summer is approaching and we will certainly see each other again on some parties. But the thing is that I really want to make her mine, but I just don't know how to. I am stumped and I am in love with her. Do you gaffers have any advice on where to go from here? Or should I just give it all up?

While I can't say I can give advice, I can tell you how I feel from my own perspective. This seems like the type of girl that I would fall for, and one that would end up breaking my heart. The smart, logical part of me would want to just stay away from a girl like this.

I don't know the details but it seems like she's just a bit too young, and you are more matured and want something stable. Maybe in a few years if she continues to have feelings something might work out but I'd be cautious.

 

[Spinluck]

No dice on getting that date.

Said I wasn't her type, feel bad man. Lol.

Onto the next one!

 

[stn]

We come from the same little village, but we had never really met before that night. But we got together a couple of times and slept together that summer, two years ago. It was amazing, and she is just beautiful. But when I asked her to the movies later that same summer, she politely declined. And the fall and winter just came and went.

This is the first red flag. She chose to stop communicating for a period.

She later hooked up with a friend of mine. Still we all hanged out together and no problems.

She hooked up because she lost interest in you. There were no problems hanging out because she wanted to avoid confrontation. That doesn't mean the problems didn't exist.

Then, forward to last summer. She dumped him, and me and her got together one more night.

You allowed yourself to be her rebound. She also used you, either because he actually dumped her OR to relieve herself of guilt from dumping him.

as it feels she is playing my feelings.

Yup.

Now fast forward to this day. We met at a party two days ago. We left the party, and it ended up in the sofa at her friends apartment. She told me she have been "seeing someone" for the past 8 months, but still, she crept up to me, and we layed there and I held her in my arms and we were cuddling a little.

She is playing you like a puppet. She's deliberately screwing with your emotions for her own cause. Don't you see something fundamentally wrong with cuddling with someone and then saying "Oh, I'm seeing someone?" Also, did you not notice that she's cuddling with you WHILE seeing someone else? Guess what, both of you dudes are being played.

She told me in the sofa that it is pretty awkward that we always ends up together on parties like we do. And she admitted that there are some feelings of some sort. However, she does not specify those feelings.

That's because there ARE no feelings. Sorry. She's just saying all that to justify cuddling with you and using you for her own needs. How else could she justify it?

The thing is, that I have told her months ago that I really love her. Wich I really do. But as I am getting cooler, she is getting warmer so to speak. I had no clear intentions of ending up in the sofa with her the other day, but as I played things cool, she cranked things up by approaching me instead.

You told her you love her after she stopped talking to you and found someone else? She knows that she can use you. Of course she warmed up as you cooled off, you gave less attention and she wanted it back.

I don't know where to take this. A new summer is approaching and we will certainly see each other again on some parties. But the thing is that I really want to make her mine, but I just don't know how to. I am stumped and I am in love with her. Do you gaffers have any advice on where to go from here? Or should I just give it all up?

Take it nowhere. Why do you have to make her yours? Will you die if you don't? Why are you in love with someone who fucks with your feelings? Why are you in love with someone who cut contact with you so she could bang another guy?

She feels free to screw around with you because...she can. You're stuck in a trance because you're thinking with your penis and are not seeing clearly. You've ignored obvious red flags all this time.

Here's what I would personally do. I would call her tomorrow and simply tell her I'm done. No more talking, no more cuddling - none of that shit. You won't get anything out of her because she doesn't respect your emotions. She knows that you love her and yet she's willing to cuddle with you KNOWING the kind of reaction you'll give and the hope you'll have from it. She doesn't care about you, dude. Sorry.

Thing is, it seems like you're too much in love to do the right thing here. You'll probably approach her, she'll justify her crap and say "BUT BUT THERE ARE FEELINGS!!!" and then you'll give her another chance. Except nothing will come of it. She'll just linger around, see you at parties, and each time raise your hopes and expectations. But nothing will change. You can't "make someone yours", you can't convince a girl to like you just because you like her. You can't appeal to her logic. The more you try the more you fail. You have this undying need that is not only clouding your judgment, but also preventing you from meeting women who WILL reciprocate your needs.

In light of this post I feel compelled to make a general statement open to anyone who wants to read it. When in a relationship you MUST MUST MUST remember your own needs first. You need to respect yourself and NEVER allow yourself to be used in someone else's ploy. The only choice in these situations is to stand up for yourself and ask yourself if you're being treated properly. Why try to make things with someone who's dumped you, cheated on you, or doesn't support his/her words with actions? Anyone can tell you they have feelings for you. But what does it matter if nothing changes in the end? If a girl or guy truly likes you then they will take ACTION. Words mean shit.

The majority of relationship issues I see arise from one party not having enough love and respect for him/herself.

NOTE: OP - some of my reply is in your original post, in bold. Hope this helps.

 

[DMB4237]

I want everyone to know here that NeoGAF may have just saved my relationship. My god how stupid I was being.

 

[NeOak]

I want everyone to know here that NeoGAF may have just saved my relationship. My god how stupid I was being.

Nice. Sorry to be so harsh man, but you needed a spanking.Now, don't waste it.

Spoiler

To be honest, having a Japanese girlfriend has been something that, i don't know why, i've wanted for a long time, so i'm jelly. Good luck!

 

[zeemumu]

I like to read success stories on here. I don't post that often because my dating life is non-existent (not because of a lack of trying, more of a lack of interesting potential significant others) but it's nice to look at the advice that DOES work so that, when the time comes, I'll be ready.

 

[Terra]

While I can't say I can give advice, I can tell you how I feel from my own perspective. This seems like the type of girl that I would fall for, and one that would end up breaking my heart. The smart, logical part of me would want to just stay away from a girl like this.

I don't know the details but it seems like she's just a bit too young, and you are more matured and want something stable. Maybe in a few years if she continues to have feelings something might work out but I'd be cautious.

Here's what I would personally do. I would call her tomorrow and simply tell her I'm done. No more talking, no more cuddling - none of that shit. You won't get anything out of her because she doesn't respect your emotions. She knows that you love her and yet she's willing to cuddle with you KNOWING the kind of reaction you'll give and the hope you'll have from it. She doesn't care about you, dude. Sorry.

Thing is, it seems like you're too much in love to do the right thing here. You'll probably approach her, she'll justify her crap and say "BUT BUT THERE ARE FEELINGS!!!" and then you'll give her another chance. Except nothing will come of it. She'll just linger around, see you at parties, and each time raise your hopes and expectations. But nothing will change. You can't "make someone yours", you can't convince a girl to like you just because you like her. You can't appeal to her logic. The more you try the more you fail. You have this undying need that is not only clouding your judgment, but also preventing you from meeting women who WILL reciprocate your needs.

In light of this post I feel compelled to make a general statement open to anyone who wants to read it. When in a relationship you MUST MUST MUST remember your own needs first. You need to respect yourself and NEVER allow yourself to be used in someone else's ploy. The only choice in these situations is to stand up for yourself and ask yourself if you're being treated properly. Why try to make things with someone who's dumped you, cheated on you, or doesn't support his/her words with actions? Anyone can tell you they have feelings for you. But what does it matter if nothing changes in the end? If a girl or guy truly likes you then they will take ACTION. Words mean shit.

The majority of relationship issues I see arise from one party not having enough love and respect for him/herself.

NOTE: OP - some of my reply is in your original post, in bold. Hope this helps.

Thanks both of you for good advice. I'll see what I'll do.
I guess it is what it is.

The problem is that our paths will cross at the parties, and I know it will be hard to resist her it all begins.

About the "calling her up"-part. It would probably be a good idea if we did have a natural phone-relation. We just text each other, but even that is very sparse.

And you are fully right on when saying it prevents me from meeting girls that reciprocate my needs.

 

[grap3fruitman]

So you guys don't think it's a big deal that I got bumped for another guy?

 

[TurboLibre]

So you guys don't think it's a big deal that I got bumped for another guy?

No. Because if she went for the other guy, it's not worth worrying about. And if you still get her attention, you win. Just play it all by ear.

Don't invest yourself into someone you don't know well. It makes you nervous and has a habit of ending badly.

 

[stn]

So you guys don't think it's a big deal that I got bumped for another guy?

Depends. Did you both agree on a day and time and THEN she ditched you for another guy? If yes, call her and tell her you're done since that's disrespectful. If no, she has the right to test the field since its just dating. Though, her openly saying she has another date might just be her trying to push your buttons. In which case, push back. Tell her you're no longer interested in her. Don't get so invested in every random you might meet. And message as many girls as you can.

 

[rugioh]

Does anyone have some words of wisdom when it comes to moving in with your significant other? I'm a little worried about it because as it stands now, both of us live in our parents homes however over the past 3 years I have saved a substantial amount of money (Enough to pay rent for years off the bat, I don't want to handcuff myself to a house atm) So I'm on my way out in a few months.

My issue is I'm not quite seeing how our lifestyles will line up in the day to day. Right now, in my parents home I'm on my computer all the time, for watching TV or gaming or reading the forums here. She usually spends her time at home talking to her parents, or watching TV with them, talking to them; usually some sort of activity involves everyone in the household, while I'm more used to a solitary lifestyle at home.

When I come over to her house or vice versa, we just watch TV or movies and cuddle, or go out for a movie or a ballgame or something. While that works out just fine now, I don't want to spend every hour of every day doing the same things together... I need some time to myself to function, work on gaming backlogs, watch sports,

Spoiler

watch anime or read neogaf

. We've already discussed this, and while she says that giving me some time to myself won't bother her, but I don't know how she'll respond to it until we're actually in that situation. At this point I'm just rambling so I'll expand further if someone has some input. Not really sure what to do. I'm not saying I'm unwilling to comprimise, but what would be fair?

 

[spuckthew]

Read this.

Just let it go for now and hit her up tomorrow like nothing happened. even if it was sore subject and she knows you didn't mean it, it might've taken the wind out of her sails. It's rough to stay out of your own head in those instances but it's best to do just that and not sit around overthinking it.

She's certainly upset at what I said. I sent her a message an hour ago and she just replied with "I don't really know what to say or want to say anything." I feel so bad. I don't want it to just be over like that (I mean, couples have arguments and brief fallings out all the time) but I don't know how I can salvage this.

 

[n64coder]

My issue is I'm not quite seeing how our lifestyles will line up in the day to day. Right now, in my parents home I'm on my computer all the time, for watching TV or gaming or reading the forums here. She usually spends her time at home talking to her parents, or watching TV with them, talking to them; usually some sort of activity involves everyone in the household, while I'm more used to a solitary lifestyle at home.

Yes, you'll be together but there will be plenty of time to do your own activities. I would suggest that you break away from the computer and socialize a bit more.

You'll figure out the right balance together.

 

[Tsukumo]

Does anyone have some words of wisdom when it comes to moving in with your significant other? I'm a little worried about it because as it stands now, both of us live in our parents homes however over the past 3 years I have saved a substantial amount of money (Enough to pay rent for years off the bat, I don't want to handcuff myself to a house atm) So I'm on my way out in a few months.

My issue is I'm not quite seeing how our lifestyles will line up in the day to day. Right now, in my parents home I'm on my computer all the time, for watching TV or gaming or reading the forums here. She usually spends her time at home talking to her parents, or watching TV with them, talking to them; usually some sort of activity involves everyone in the household, while I'm more used to a solitary lifestyle at home.

When I come over to her house or vice versa, we just watch TV or movies and cuddle, or go out for a movie or a ballgame or something. While that works out just fine now, I don't want to spend every hour of every day doing the same things together... I need some time to myself to function, work on gaming backlogs, watch sports,

Spoiler

watch anime or read neogaf

. We've already discussed this, and while she says that giving me some time to myself won't bother her, but I don't know how she'll respond to it until we're actually in that situation. At this point I'm just rambling so I'll expand further if someone has some input. Not really sure what to do. I'm not saying I'm unwilling to comprimise, but what would be fair?

I think you'll get a better handle on the situation if you make a thread about it. Most regulars here haven't experienced moving in. Don't get scared about the spotlight ;D

 

[rugioh]

I think you'll get a better handle on the situation if you make a thread about it. Most regulars here haven't experienced moving in. Don't get scared about the spotlight ;D

The off-topic dating threads turn into shit-flinging spectacles, which is why I decided to bring the issue here instead

 

[Nyx]

The off-topic dating threads turn into shit-flinging spectacles, which is why I decided to bring the issue here instead

You won't be doing everything together all the time when you move in together, that's for sure.

Your GF will need/want time for herself and so will you, if you both are fine with that (and why shouldn't you), it will work out just fine.

 

[Frank Zappa]

OK, GAF... I really need your help/advice. I don't know for how long I can be like this without exploding.

A little bitof background. I met my current girlfriend last year. We dated for a while but then we had some problems and we broke up on October 2013. We stop talking to each other for 3 months.

Now, keep in mind that this girl... men... I'm crazy about her.

Thing is... it is kinda hard to avoid each other, because, first of all, we have tons of friends in common, and second, we both like heavy metal (well, she is more into black/death metal), but we frequent the same places (there are only 2 rock bars here in the city).

So... we managed to avoid us during those three months. But in January, I contacted her to say Hi and just to talk to her about certain things. We talked for a couple of days and then we stopped talking to each other again.

So... In febraury, I realized that I still wanted to be with her. So, I did some pretty bold move here. I didn't contact her via Facebook, email, text... I just went to her place one Thursday, without notice. We talked for hours (from 8:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m.), just right outside her house, sitting on the sidewalk. And we kissed. And everything was great.

But... the next day, she told me she was kinda confussed, that she needed to make some other things first.

Well... the next few days, I found out that one of our friends in common asked her out a few days before I showed up at her place. ANd they were supposed to go out precisely the Thursday I visited her. But they didn't. She prefered to stay talking to me instead of dating him.

This is where the big problem started. That guy basically told her that it was very suspicios that I visited her precisely that day (I swear it was a coincidence). And he told her that he believed that I hacked both their Facebook accounts and that I was reading their conversations and stuff. Basically, my girl was scared of me. The guy brainwashed her. I found out that she was telling him to go to my house and beat the crap out of me. But he didn't. Then she told her brothers (she was scared) and they went to my house and gave me a few sucker punches (broken lip, black eye) and she was scared of me. She thought that I was a stalker.

Well... the next week she sent me a message telling me she was sorry. She talked to a few friends and she realized how wrong she was. She realized that the other guy was brainwashing her. So, I accepted her apologies and we started dating (we are a couple now). She stopped talking to the other guy... we both deleted him from Facebook (he is a friend of both of us).

Now, like I said, all of our circle of friends are the same. So, we see this guy at bars, gigs, etc... so, one day he saw us and asked for an apologies. We did accept the apologies. But that's it.

For example, just last week, at the bar, he smoked a cigar with us (and some other friends). But that's it.

But... now, here is the thing that is bugging.

I woke up this morning to go to work. I checked my Facebook. And guess what? They are Facebook friends again! Fuck... I don't know how to react. I don't what to do. Should I say something?

 

[Tsukumo]

The off-topic dating threads turn into shit-flinging spectacles, which is why I decided to bring the issue here instead

That's why I told you about not to be worried with the spotlight. Unless you are exposing something negative about your girlfriend, thus incoming in the ire of the occasional white knight who will derail your thread, there's plenty of guys who have posted about their issues about moving in for the first time: there's a lot of people who have valid input to give. Here, you "just" have potam, horseticuffs and omegasquash (who unfortunately doesn't post much here anymore) the rest are guys who... are dating

 

[dietertong]

So my situation (8 hour date, no response when asking for second) came to a head this weekend.

After taking the advice of asking for clarification (Hey, I never heard back, what's up?) she subsequently read the message again, and did not respond.

I deleted the chat (out of sight, out of mind) so not think about it and then when going through my contact list saw she was no longer there. She had deleted me and then blocked me on Tinder. Quite immature and rude but what can you do.

So that puts an end to that mini adventure, and to quote Jay-Z, onto the next one.

Thanks for you help guys.

 

[Woody Invincible]

OK, GAF... I really need your help/advice. I don't know for how long I can be like this without exploding.

A little bitof background. I met my current girlfriend last year. We dated for a while but then we had some problems and we broke up on October 2013. We stop talking to each other for 3 months.

Now, keep in mind that this girl... men... I'm crazy about her.

Thing is... it is kinda hard to avoid each other, because, first of all, we have tons of friends in common, and second, we both like heavy metal (well, she is more into black/death metal), but we frequent the same places (there are only 2 rock bars here in the city).

So... we managed to avoid us during those three months. But in January, I contacted her to say Hi and just to talk to her about certain things. We talked for a couple of days and then we stopped talking to each other again.

So... In febraury, I realized that I still wanted to be with her. So, I did some pretty bold move here. I didn't contact her via Facebook, email, text... I just went to her place one Thursday, without notice. We talked for hours (from 8:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m.), just right outside her house, sitting on the sidewalk. And we kissed. And everything was great.

But... the next day, she told me she was kinda confussed, that she needed to make some other things first.

Well... the next few days, I found out that one of our friends in common asked her out a few days before I showed up at her place. ANd they were supposed to go out precisely the Thursday I visited her. But they didn't. She prefered to stay talking to me instead of dating him.

This is where the big problem started. That guy basically told her that it was very suspicios that I visited her precisely that day (I swear it was a coincidence). And he told her that he believed that I hacked both their Facebook accounts and that I was reading their conversations and stuff. Basically, my girl was scared of me. The guy brainwashed her. I found out that she was telling him to go to my house and beat the crap out of me. But he didn't. Then she told her brothers (she was scared) and they went to my house and gave me a few sucker punches (broken lip, black eye) and she was scared of me. She thought that I was a stalker.

Well... the next week she sent me a message telling me she was sorry. She talked to a few friends and she realized how wrong she was. She realized that the other guy was brainwashing her. So, I accepted her apologies and we started dating (we are a couple now). She stopped talking to the other guy... we both deleted him from Facebook (he is a friend of both of us).

Now, like I said, all of our circle of friends are the same. So, we see this guy at bars, gigs, etc... so, one day he saw us and asked for an apologies. We did accept the apologies. But that's it.

For example, just last week, at the bar, he smoked a cigar with us (and some other friends). But that's it.

But... now, here is the thing that is bugging.

I woke up this morning to go to work. I checked my Facebook. And guess what? They are Facebook friends again! Fuck... I don't know how to react. I don't what to do. Should I say something?

Get the fuck away from this drama.

 

[Frank Zappa]

Get the fuck away from this drama.

D:

 

[Deleted member 47027]

OK, GAF... I really need your help/advice. I don't know for how long I can be like this without exploding.

A little bitof background. I met my current girlfriend last year. We dated for a while but then we had some problems and we broke up on October 2013. We stop talking to each other for 3 months.

Now, keep in mind that this girl... men... I'm crazy about her.

Thing is... it is kinda hard to avoid each other, because, first of all, we have tons of friends in common, and second, we both like heavy metal (well, she is more into black/death metal), but we frequent the same places (there are only 2 rock bars here in the city).

So... we managed to avoid us during those three months. But in January, I contacted her to say Hi and just to talk to her about certain things. We talked for a couple of days and then we stopped talking to each other again.

So... In febraury, I realized that I still wanted to be with her. So, I did some pretty bold move here. I didn't contact her via Facebook, email, text... I just went to her place one Thursday, without notice. We talked for hours (from 8:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m.), just right outside her house, sitting on the sidewalk. And we kissed. And everything was great.

But... the next day, she told me she was kinda confussed, that she needed to make some other things first.

Well... the next few days, I found out that one of our friends in common asked her out a few days before I showed up at her place. ANd they were supposed to go out precisely the Thursday I visited her. But they didn't. She prefered to stay talking to me instead of dating him.

This is where the big problem started. That guy basically told her that it was very suspicios that I visited her precisely that day (I swear it was a coincidence). And he told her that he believed that I hacked both their Facebook accounts and that I was reading their conversations and stuff. Basically, my girl was scared of me. The guy brainwashed her. I found out that she was telling him to go to my house and beat the crap out of me. But he didn't. Then she told her brothers (she was scared) and they went to my house and gave me a few sucker punches (broken lip, black eye) and she was scared of me. She thought that I was a stalker.

Well... the next week she sent me a message telling me she was sorry. She talked to a few friends and she realized how wrong she was. She realized that the other guy was brainwashing her. So, I accepted her apologies and we started dating (we are a couple now). She stopped talking to the other guy... we both deleted him from Facebook (he is a friend of both of us).

Now, like I said, all of our circle of friends are the same. So, we see this guy at bars, gigs, etc... so, one day he saw us and asked for an apologies. We did accept the apologies. But that's it.

For example, just last week, at the bar, he smoked a cigar with us (and some other friends). But that's it.

But... now, here is the thing that is bugging.

I woke up this morning to go to work. I checked my Facebook. And guess what? They are Facebook friends again! Fuck... I don't know how to react. I don't what to do. Should I say something?

Walk the fuck away and let this shit go. Ain't nobody got time for that.

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

Does anyone have some words of wisdom when it comes to moving in with your significant other? I'm a little worried about it because as it stands now, both of us live in our parents homes however over the past 3 years I have saved a substantial amount of money (Enough to pay rent for years off the bat, I don't want to handcuff myself to a house atm) So I'm on my way out in a few months.

My issue is I'm not quite seeing how our lifestyles will line up in the day to day. Right now, in my parents home I'm on my computer all the time, for watching TV or gaming or reading the forums here. She usually spends her time at home talking to her parents, or watching TV with them, talking to them; usually some sort of activity involves everyone in the household, while I'm more used to a solitary lifestyle at home.

When I come over to her house or vice versa, we just watch TV or movies and cuddle, or go out for a movie or a ballgame or something. While that works out just fine now, I don't want to spend every hour of every day doing the same things together... I need some time to myself to function, work on gaming backlogs, watch sports,

Spoiler

watch anime or read neogaf

. We've already discussed this, and while she says that giving me some time to myself won't bother her, but I don't know how she'll respond to it until we're actually in that situation. At this point I'm just rambling so I'll expand further if someone has some input. Not really sure what to do. I'm not saying I'm unwilling to comprimise, but what would be fair?

As someone who just moved in with his girlfriend two months ago, I can tell you that obviously things will change some, but in my case it was for the better. I love living with my girl. We have a great time together, and we have found a way to settle into a schedule that involves both of us having some time to ourselves, while also cuddling on the couch for some TV and relaxing. She has a super busy social life at times, and I'm still getting settled into a new city, but it has been working out great. Just know, there will be a period of adjustment, but after you get settled, things will begin to naturally fall into place.

Moving in with someone is a big step, but if it is someone you truly love, and want to potentially spend the rest of your life with, it is a great experience. Starting and ending the day with someone you love deeply is wonderful experience.

In short, just relax. It'll all fall into place.