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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
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Amibguous Cad
Member
They call it the "happy horny skinny pill" for a reason. It works great for getting your energy up to normal levels if you're depressed.
On the other hand, I've been hit with some major amotivation lately. I can't remember the precise science behind it, but I remember hearing that the two parts of motivation - the conscious desire to do something, and the ability to actually get up and do it - run on different neural circuits. Hence why I can scream at myself to just get up off the bed and play some Destiny, and instead stay in bed until 5 PM :/ Even something simple that I enjoy was too much for me. It sucks.
walkmetothelake
Banned
I figured it was time for me to make my first post in here. It feels weird with what I'm about to write about and I'll probably regret posting it but who knows.
I've been dealing with mental health issues of some kind for years (I don't want to name anything specific because for some reason I've never even been to a doctor for anything of the sort/been diagnosed) but things kind of hit rock bottom for me this week.
It's a long story and I don't want to post a huge essay in here so I'm going to try to keep it short. I'm also going to spoiler some of the more unfortunate bits because I don't want to cause any discomfort for anyone in here.
Two days ago I turned on my phone for the first time in a few days after fixing some water issues to notice I had a string of troubling messages from my best friend in the world (that feels like an understatement to be honest) that were sent over 12 hours earlier. It's kind of sad because this person is someone that I've never met personally but we've talked daily for at least 6-7 years. Stereotypical or not, they've kind of been "my rock" and I would probably be a very different person today (if I was around at all) if we never met.
Given the timing/date and the distance issue a part of me hoped it was a cruel april fools joke of some kind where I could at least be mad about it for awhile and then things might be fine later.
This has really hit me like a ton of bricks and on top of some other things I'm trying to deal with I'm just a complete mess.
I currently have the house to myself as I'm watching the pets when my mom and her husband visit his parents and I'm not sure how I'd really explain that
anyway.
I've decided that even if it's for them as I have a hard time doing things for myself, I'm going to try to start bettering things in my life. It's going to be really difficult but something needs to be done. Therapy would be a great start but it isn't exactly cheap/affordable for me at this time.
I guess I'm hoping that posting this somewhere relatively public/writing about it might be a bit of a push to help me in the right direction or something. The first post is usually the hardest for me in any kind of thread like this so it's possible that I'll be around in the future.
edit: For some reason I thought this thread was in OT Community and felt a bit better about posting but it isn't. I'll leave this for now though.
I've been dealing with mental health issues of some kind for years (I don't want to name anything specific because for some reason I've never even been to a doctor for anything of the sort/been diagnosed) but things kind of hit rock bottom for me this week.
It's a long story and I don't want to post a huge essay in here so I'm going to try to keep it short. I'm also going to spoiler some of the more unfortunate bits because I don't want to cause any discomfort for anyone in here.
Two days ago I turned on my phone for the first time in a few days after fixing some water issues to notice I had a string of troubling messages from my best friend in the world (that feels like an understatement to be honest) that were sent over 12 hours earlier. It's kind of sad because this person is someone that I've never met personally but we've talked daily for at least 6-7 years. Stereotypical or not, they've kind of been "my rock" and I would probably be a very different person today (if I was around at all) if we never met.
The messages were more or less a suicide note. It said a variety of things that really should have been said from me to them in reverse if I had the chance. Mainly things about how I'm stronger than I think, I have a whole life ahead of me, and they want me to go back to school and/or find a job that makes me happy.
Last night I did a search and found an article that confirmed that they are gone. There weren't really any details in the article but I can assume what happened from the messages they sent. I just keep thinking that maybe if I decided to check things on my PC it wouldn't have happened and I have the worst guilt due to it.
I currently have the house to myself as I'm watching the pets when my mom and her husband visit his parents and I'm not sure how I'd really explain that
I'm a wreck over the death of someone I've known for years but never met
I've decided that even if it's for them as I have a hard time doing things for myself, I'm going to try to start bettering things in my life. It's going to be really difficult but something needs to be done. Therapy would be a great start but it isn't exactly cheap/affordable for me at this time.
I guess I'm hoping that posting this somewhere relatively public/writing about it might be a bit of a push to help me in the right direction or something. The first post is usually the hardest for me in any kind of thread like this so it's possible that I'll be around in the future.
edit: For some reason I thought this thread was in OT Community and felt a bit better about posting but it isn't. I'll leave this for now though.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's not your fault though, don't blame yourself. And it's OK to have close friends you haven't met in person.
Feel free to post more or chat with people here. And if you think you are ready for it you might want to talk to a doctor if you feel you need some help getting yourself in a good place.
sineclamor
Member
well, since I've already shown my ass in here.. called a rehab place. No insurance, self pay would be 18 GRAND. I just keep googling hospitals and programs, and it's like there's no way forward. I need to have choice taken away from me, because I know what I'll choose. Again and again. It's no surprise that mentally ill people just get themselves arrested.. how else is someone going to take them?
Not gonna do that. I understand that I don't deserve help after all the shit I've pulled, that no one owes me anything. But I don't know what to do.
I'll just keep trying I guess.
Not gonna do that. I understand that I don't deserve help after all the shit I've pulled, that no one owes me anything. But I don't know what to do.
I'll just keep trying I guess.
kamineko
Does his best thinking in the flying car
I think if you are withdrawing from alcohol, hospitals have to do something for you, because it's a life-threatening condition. Still, that wouldn't give you a longer stay comparable to a rehab.
You might want to ask some recovered alcoholics in your area in case they know of better options where you live. They had to dry out someplace, after all. They might know of some resources for people without insurance. An AA meeting or just calling their central office might be a start. Actually, I'd go for the central office phone call
Thanks for the advice
Will bring this up on my following therapy session, I definitely think too much about my image instead on of just experiencing what my bodily feelings are in the moment.
I really only 'live' in the rational world, making me neurotic and unable to just enjoy the moment.
TheOnlyOneHeEverFeared
Member
I made an effort to go out and be social again tonight, only for the people I was with to not only ditch me but leave me with a large bill for food. So I spent the night wandering round smoking. Must be something I'm doing wrong.
MisterLuffy
Member
I really hate school and want to be done with it already. I had a pop quiz today for my machine structure class and wished that I studied before class. I mean it looked easy, and I blame myself for not preparing for that quiz. My c++ instructor announced that she will be giving the exams back next week, and I'm not going to be a happy man when I see my results. I know I did bad, but seeing it will only make it worse. I failed the quiz that brought grade way below which was so ridiculous that it made me angry. I was thinking of withdrawing the class but not sure till I see my exam.
walkmetothelake
Banned
Thanks for replying. Talking to a doctor is on my list of things to do at this point. I found an office nearby that has therapists that specialize in LGBTQIA+ patients which would be great personally but that runs like $200 an hour without insurance. I've always thought it would be best for me to try therapy before hopping into medicine of any kind if a doctor finds it necessary but I obviously am not the most knowledgeable person about the subject. I'll just have to keep looking into things.
Thank you.
I don't think it's very busy lately. I sometimes check it but most of the time I find it empty as well.
thestopsign
Member
Hey guys. I have a friend who is going through some hard times right now. He should be doing well, he's got friends, he's got a new job that is basically his dream job, and he goes to a top notch university with me. So on the surface most things are going right for him.
That said, he has been an incredibly different person than the one I've known for 3.5 years for the past 6-12 months. He went through a bad breakup last April with a girl from his hometown and he basically buried himself in his work and his only real release was drinking, which he became more of a non-social drinker (bordering on alcoholism right now) where he drinks by himself to end each night. For a long time I thought it was just how he was, but it has become worse and worse lately. He never says anything positive when I'm talking to him, he makes little off-handed comments like "Wouldn't it be funny if I just dropped out now?" that make me worry.
The main thing I'm personally struggling with is that I don't know how to help him at this point. He is a very independent person, he doesn't talk about his feelings, he almost certainly wouldn't go see professional help. I've been trying to be a positive person around him whenever possible, but he has been pushing me and other friends farther and farther away. He semi reached out to another one of our mutual friends last night via text (he left campus for the weekend) when he was drunk, and his texts to her were really scary. Stuff like "I've never been happy". He agreed to start texting today when he has sobered up, so I don't know if it has developed any farther.
I guess what I'm trying to ask is, what is the best approach here? What should I be doing to help and heal? My general feeling is that this is not one of those cases where he needs space, he needs attention and fast. Advice would be greatly appreciated.
That said, he has been an incredibly different person than the one I've known for 3.5 years for the past 6-12 months. He went through a bad breakup last April with a girl from his hometown and he basically buried himself in his work and his only real release was drinking, which he became more of a non-social drinker (bordering on alcoholism right now) where he drinks by himself to end each night. For a long time I thought it was just how he was, but it has become worse and worse lately. He never says anything positive when I'm talking to him, he makes little off-handed comments like "Wouldn't it be funny if I just dropped out now?" that make me worry.
The main thing I'm personally struggling with is that I don't know how to help him at this point. He is a very independent person, he doesn't talk about his feelings, he almost certainly wouldn't go see professional help. I've been trying to be a positive person around him whenever possible, but he has been pushing me and other friends farther and farther away. He semi reached out to another one of our mutual friends last night via text (he left campus for the weekend) when he was drunk, and his texts to her were really scary. Stuff like "I've never been happy". He agreed to start texting today when he has sobered up, so I don't know if it has developed any farther.
I guess what I'm trying to ask is, what is the best approach here? What should I be doing to help and heal? My general feeling is that this is not one of those cases where he needs space, he needs attention and fast. Advice would be greatly appreciated.
It sounds like he is going through depression and self medicating with alcohol. Maybe you could have a heart to heart with him and explain that you care and you think he could get help seeing a doctor. Everyone is different, but he really does sound like he needs medical attention. Best of luck.
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
I still can't believe that not only I got dropped as a friend but actively blocked on all social platforms.
It really hurt. I'm very embarrassed and ashamed by my actions but I can't even apologize even though I mean it. I'm not even joking about it.
It really hurt. I'm very embarrassed and ashamed by my actions but I can't even apologize even though I mean it. I'm not even joking about it.
I need to vent. I'm not feeling fine and I feel like I want to cry but I can't don that, I haven't cried in the last few years and nothing will make me do that. Yes, I could be in a way worse situation, but the problems I have are already enough for me and I can't get to solve them.
I live with my family and I can't leave this house because it is mine and I study here, there is no point in leaving. But at the same time, I'm living with my father and his wife. My father has been a terrible person. His wife is has some ideals and does things that I don't like but I know she doesn't want to be a bad person. The problem is my father. I know it. It has always been him. While my mother lived e had constant fights with him, even to te point of separation. They got together but when she died my father became the same bastard he was when my mother hated him. How he got married again is a mystery for me.
I'm gay. My father hates it. I'm an atheist. My father hates it. I do great at school and I'm a very good son, and he still treats me like shit and says that I'm not obedient. He lies to his wife, not cheating, but lying about the most simple things, like money that she owes him or how he has little money.
I don't know how much I'll be here. Minimum 4 more years. But I'm tired. I can't stand him being angry almost everyday. I hate being yelled at for the most simple things. I hate feeling guilty for whatever I do. I hate constantly looking at the phone, waiting for him to call or message me. I hate having to explain a lot of things. I hate feeling like I'm in jail.
I'm having my spring break, but I haven't enjoyed it because of he constant arguings in this house. My sister used to be there with me but she left home because she couldn't stand my father. I can't do the same. I have to fight. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to ignore him.
I wish I lived in a different family. My best friend has a beautiful family. His parents are very comprehensive and they don't try to manipulate him. They have taught him to lie everyone and being kind. Thy live in harmony. I see how he talks to them and is very different from my relationship with my father. There is no point in talking to my father, he either doesn't listen or he has to have the reason. There is no way I can win. He always has to win. He has the power.
Unfortunately he is not the only problem I have. I have low self esteem. I haven't dated a guy in my whole life. My body is terrible, I even find myself unattractive. I have had lower grades in college than what I used to have. Learning has been more difficult for me with all the problems I have in mind. I can't shut up my thoughts to focus on things. I easily get distracted. I eat a lot because I feel anxious. I barely breath. Outside of my room, the rest of my house is always a disorganized mess.
Sorry for the wall guys, I know I only come when I'm having problems. I'm sorry
I live with my family and I can't leave this house because it is mine and I study here, there is no point in leaving. But at the same time, I'm living with my father and his wife. My father has been a terrible person. His wife is has some ideals and does things that I don't like but I know she doesn't want to be a bad person. The problem is my father. I know it. It has always been him. While my mother lived e had constant fights with him, even to te point of separation. They got together but when she died my father became the same bastard he was when my mother hated him. How he got married again is a mystery for me.
I'm gay. My father hates it. I'm an atheist. My father hates it. I do great at school and I'm a very good son, and he still treats me like shit and says that I'm not obedient. He lies to his wife, not cheating, but lying about the most simple things, like money that she owes him or how he has little money.
I don't know how much I'll be here. Minimum 4 more years. But I'm tired. I can't stand him being angry almost everyday. I hate being yelled at for the most simple things. I hate feeling guilty for whatever I do. I hate constantly looking at the phone, waiting for him to call or message me. I hate having to explain a lot of things. I hate feeling like I'm in jail.
I'm having my spring break, but I haven't enjoyed it because of he constant arguings in this house. My sister used to be there with me but she left home because she couldn't stand my father. I can't do the same. I have to fight. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to ignore him.
I wish I lived in a different family. My best friend has a beautiful family. His parents are very comprehensive and they don't try to manipulate him. They have taught him to lie everyone and being kind. Thy live in harmony. I see how he talks to them and is very different from my relationship with my father. There is no point in talking to my father, he either doesn't listen or he has to have the reason. There is no way I can win. He always has to win. He has the power.
Unfortunately he is not the only problem I have. I have low self esteem. I haven't dated a guy in my whole life. My body is terrible, I even find myself unattractive. I have had lower grades in college than what I used to have. Learning has been more difficult for me with all the problems I have in mind. I can't shut up my thoughts to focus on things. I easily get distracted. I eat a lot because I feel anxious. I barely breath. Outside of my room, the rest of my house is always a disorganized mess.
Sorry for the wall guys, I know I only come when I'm having problems. I'm sorry
I don't go in there anymore because no one else does and it seems a waste of energy to keep an IRC client active in that situation.
Megalosaro
Banned
I'm having a "low" day where I've only been thinking negative thoughts. even when good stuff happens on these sorts of days I can't help but feel terrible about it.
If something negative happens I take it extremely badly. For example I wanted to go get some food with roommate a. Roommate a wanted to wait for roommate b to get off work so I said I'd wait too. Roommate b wouldn't answer his phone and now is home saying he already ate and it's 930 and I haven't eaten since breakfast and now I have to go to bed since I have to be at work at 530. Normally not a big deal but in my state of mind I'm pissed. inexplicably so.
If something negative happens I take it extremely badly. For example I wanted to go get some food with roommate a. Roommate a wanted to wait for roommate b to get off work so I said I'd wait too. Roommate b wouldn't answer his phone and now is home saying he already ate and it's 930 and I haven't eaten since breakfast and now I have to go to bed since I have to be at work at 530. Normally not a big deal but in my state of mind I'm pissed. inexplicably so.
Trying to not give up, but I still have those days where I don't think I can make it to the end. After 4+ months after our break up, I think what hurts the most (more than her getting with another guy a month later, living with him, etc) is that she hates me, claims our relationship was 'bad', & wants nothing to do with me.
That's rough. There are a few people I've emotionally hurt in the past that I really wanted to apologize to, but the way I ended up rationalizing it was that me contacting them would likely be a net negative for them and not worth it. I just try to grow and not do the same mistakes that I did make. So perhaps although you want to apologize, it might be best for both of you to not try contacting them at all anymore. Just my thoughts.
Feel free to vent or discuss more of course!
That's a rough situation. I've always been thankful that my parents are accepting, I'm not gay but I am an atheist and they did want to debate it a little bit but never viciously.
Have you spoken with a therapist or psychiatrist? Maybe there is one at your school. I think you would benefit from that for your self image issues, and perhaps you can start exercising to work towards the person you want to be. A support group might help you too. I guarantee you there are a lot of other gay people out there who feel ostracized by their families and need a shoulder to lean on.
Being hungry will definitely do that. I've had some of my worst moments when I wasn't feeling well + very hungry. It's just nuts how much it will make you angry/upset. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.
I need to vent. I'm not feeling fine and I feel like I want to cry but I can't don that, I haven't cried in the last few years and nothing will make me do that. Yes, I could be in a way worse situation, but the problems I have are already enough for me and I can't get to solve them.
I live with my family and I can't leave this house because it is mine and I study here, there is no point in leaving. But at the same time, I'm living with my father and his wife. My father has been a terrible person. His wife is has some ideals and does things that I don't like but I know she doesn't want to be a bad person. The problem is my father. I know it. It has always been him. While my mother lived e had constant fights with him, even to te point of separation. They got together but when she died my father became the same bastard he was when my mother hated him. How he got married again is a mystery for me.
I'm gay. My father hates it. I'm an atheist. My father hates it. I do great at school and I'm a very good son, and he still treats me like shit and says that I'm not obedient. He lies to his wife, not cheating, but lying about the most simple things, like money that she owes him or how he has little money.
I don't know how much I'll be here. Minimum 4 more years. But I'm tired. I can't stand him being angry almost everyday. I hate being yelled at for the most simple things. I hate feeling guilty for whatever I do. I hate constantly looking at the phone, waiting for him to call or message me. I hate having to explain a lot of things. I hate feeling like I'm in jail.
I'm having my spring break, but I haven't enjoyed it because of he constant arguings in this house. My sister used to be there with me but she left home because she couldn't stand my father. I can't do the same. I have to fight. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to ignore him.
I wish I lived in a different family. My best friend has a beautiful family. His parents are very comprehensive and they don't try to manipulate him. They have taught him to lie everyone and being kind. Thy live in harmony. I see how he talks to them and is very different from my relationship with my father. There is no point in talking to my father, he either doesn't listen or he has to have the reason. There is no way I can win. He always has to win. He has the power.
Unfortunately he is not the only problem I have. I have low self esteem. I haven't dated a guy in my whole life. My body is terrible, I even find myself unattractive. I have had lower grades in college than what I used to have. Learning has been more difficult for me with all the problems I have in mind. I can't shut up my thoughts to focus on things. I easily get distracted. I eat a lot because I feel anxious. I barely breath. Outside of my room, the rest of my house is always a disorganized mess.
Sorry for the wall guys, I know I only come when I'm having problems. I'm sorry
Well, I'm not gay, but I totally get a lot of what you're talking about here - reason I specifically mention it is, if you aren't 'out' (I am personally not out about my atheism) it can totally just weigh on you in a way that like, you'd barely think about it if you could be open about it and it's almost like a anxiety cycle of worry and anger. Can mess you up pretty bad.
For the rest of it, most of it I've either experienced or am experiencing first hand, and to you I'd say this:
~ Everyone has dirt. I was in your position and I was so wound up at other peoples 'perfect' lives, when a little digging (and a few shouting matches) later, showed me actually, people have their own battlegrounds. I'd try to take some comfort in that. It won't help that much, but it's another layer of defences you have if you like against getting wound up. Your mate, his life is probably not so perfect.
~ Try to avoid fighting. Easier said than done. If you have to fight, fight clever - pick your battles and use composed arguments rather than just devolving into insults.
~ Deal with the anger somehow. This is a big one. Truth is, until you move out or something changes, you are probably going to worry; you're just trying to protect yourself. Anger dulls the mind, you'll do or say shit that will set you back big time. I mean only you can say what takes your anger out - working out seems like a good option to me. Weights rather than running works very well for me.
~ Hold on. You've held on for this long, you can hold on longer. The tricks you'll learn navigating through your precarious environment will give you life experience that most people straight up don't have - certainly I've used tricks I've picked up at home in day-to-day life. It's four years. Sounds long, but it's really such a small fraction of your life. The best thing you could possibly do is set up conditions for a perfect exit strategy and work towards that. Again, you've held on for this long, I truly have faith that you can rumble on a little longer. You'll come out of this wounded, but ultimately stronger and smarter than most people your age.
Megalosaro
Banned
Oh.my.god.
Now neither of them want to go out since it's so late. I waited all night for nothing.
Now neither of them want to go out since it's so late. I waited all night for nothing.
I would try and not say depression. Probably would make it a lot easier for you in the moment. Go from a symptoms based perspective ("I get X, and Y and feel like Z") and it will feel easier for you and the doc will pretty much pick up right away what you're talking about.
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
I think you should go right up and say you're worried about depression to a doctor. If you do go to a mental health professional (either a counselor or psychiatrist), and even some GP's will do the Hamilton Depression test or similar self survey. The one I took way, way back in uni was like 20 questions.
In the patient history, when the doc or counselor actually interviews you is when you should be specific.
In the patient history, when the doc or counselor actually interviews you is when you should be specific.
There are always good and bad days when recovering, it is part of the process. When you have a bad day, try to stick to the routine and do not let those thoughts to destroy your day.
And about things she thinks or claims, do not waste your energy on this. I am 100% sure that my recent ex is now boasting to her new one how bad her relationship with me was and other stuff about me. I will only say this: there are two ends of a stick.
Out of Working Order
Member
I have just tried to make a positive change in my life by signing up to a gym. I am not unfit - I am quite slim, but I'd like to tone up.
I do wonder why I am doing it though. I've had no luck with women, or making friends my whole life. I am socially awkward and never go out (mainly because I've never had anyone to go out with, but again, that brings me back to my point about not being able to make friends/being a socially awkward introvert). At age 29, I feel as if joining a gym is an exercise in futility. At the end of the day, I'll still have the same problems, except I'll just be staring at my muscles all day in the mirror. Is there really any point?
I went out today, and as usual, felt completely out of place. Wondering around a shopping centre on my own, looking for some gym clothing. I just feel so awkward though. I walk weird, and I probably appear stiff and unnatural. If people were to look at me, their first thought would be 'creepy'.
I just never went through those 'hanging with friends' or dating phases. As a result, I am woefully inadequate socially. Is there a very good chance I can save myself and lead a fulfilling life sexually and socially? Or is it just a slight chance to none?
I hadn't realised what was happening until it was too late. I fear I've already crossed the point of no return. But I am so, so lonely and miserable.
I do wonder why I am doing it though. I've had no luck with women, or making friends my whole life. I am socially awkward and never go out (mainly because I've never had anyone to go out with, but again, that brings me back to my point about not being able to make friends/being a socially awkward introvert). At age 29, I feel as if joining a gym is an exercise in futility. At the end of the day, I'll still have the same problems, except I'll just be staring at my muscles all day in the mirror. Is there really any point?
I went out today, and as usual, felt completely out of place. Wondering around a shopping centre on my own, looking for some gym clothing. I just feel so awkward though. I walk weird, and I probably appear stiff and unnatural. If people were to look at me, their first thought would be 'creepy'.
I just never went through those 'hanging with friends' or dating phases. As a result, I am woefully inadequate socially. Is there a very good chance I can save myself and lead a fulfilling life sexually and socially? Or is it just a slight chance to none?
I hadn't realised what was happening until it was too late. I fear I've already crossed the point of no return. But I am so, so lonely and miserable.
Anyone take Risperidone or abilify? I didn't like that I need Benedryl to stop involuntary muscule movements, so they just switched it to abilify. But, the abilify commercials say it can become permanent. lol. I'm too paranoid to try it. I need this medication for... Paranoia. I kind of want to stay on Risperidone because Benedryl controls it and I don't have the symptoms off the medication so I don't fear perment damage there. I guess I should at least try abilify. I'm picking it up now. Any advice would be great.
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
I am not dealing with this well at all. I wish I stronger than this.
Pathetic.
Pathetic.
crazyjah2003
Member
Man I am falling down a hole here. Everyone in the world seem to have the opinion that all I want to do in life is smoke weed and play games; I am coming to the conclusion that this might be correct, even if I never admitted it to myself before. I do suffer from depression and anxiety disorders and on medication for both and have been hospitalized for quite a long time recently; but I get no sympathy or support from not one soul. All that is coming to me is "get to work deadbeat", but the reason I am where I am now is that I have been shunned for the way I like to spend my time and in general a "lone wolf", nobody believes I feel and am extremely sick. I suffer from other issues like an unfixable skin disease(went everywhere, no solution or diagnosis has been found) which kills my social drive and chronic sinusitis which gives me headaches all day all night.
I am thinking I am much closer to death than getting a job. I am suposed to take risperdone and zoloft everyday, but I get so much shit at home and my family makes getting the medication harder for me to have access to than easier; thinking all this psychiatry shit I am trying is bullshit and will lead to nothing and I am just wasting my life doing what I like and enjoying every second of it; the whole of the world share this view. I am at the end of the rope and thinking this really is it... my only regret will be not seing Harry Kane grow into a world superstar; that is it... I don't want even want to play the phantom pain. My best friend called me a bitch ass nigger; he says, "well, niggers in general have trouble taking care of themselves." to only mention two instances of him using the term. I am the only black guy in our group, and this is the one guy who is still the friendliest to me. others have asked me in a large group including younger people "so crazyjah2003, why don't you have a job."
its not that big a deal there's always a runt in a litter that is not meant to last long. Maybe I agree with them that all I am doing is smoking and playing; therefore deserves no care from anybody. If i look around me I am the only one doing that, everyone I have ever known is doing something with their lives. Fact is I don't enjoy games anymore and haven't gotten anything since omega ruby. I cannot buy any weed since I don't have any money. All I do is stay in bed in pain and pray for help, and I am a fucking atheist. I am being starved and abused psychologically in the hopes it will encourage me to get a job. Never considered it before, but I did today and my only regret would be not witnessing the glory of spurs captain Harry Kane.
Tomorrow tho, I am heading down to the emergency room to try and get back on my medication. Today I tried to get help from a psychiatry walk in clinic, but they couldn't do anything.
I am thinking I am much closer to death than getting a job. I am suposed to take risperdone and zoloft everyday, but I get so much shit at home and my family makes getting the medication harder for me to have access to than easier; thinking all this psychiatry shit I am trying is bullshit and will lead to nothing and I am just wasting my life doing what I like and enjoying every second of it; the whole of the world share this view. I am at the end of the rope and thinking this really is it... my only regret will be not seing Harry Kane grow into a world superstar; that is it... I don't want even want to play the phantom pain. My best friend called me a bitch ass nigger; he says, "well, niggers in general have trouble taking care of themselves." to only mention two instances of him using the term. I am the only black guy in our group, and this is the one guy who is still the friendliest to me. others have asked me in a large group including younger people "so crazyjah2003, why don't you have a job."
its not that big a deal there's always a runt in a litter that is not meant to last long. Maybe I agree with them that all I am doing is smoking and playing; therefore deserves no care from anybody. If i look around me I am the only one doing that, everyone I have ever known is doing something with their lives. Fact is I don't enjoy games anymore and haven't gotten anything since omega ruby. I cannot buy any weed since I don't have any money. All I do is stay in bed in pain and pray for help, and I am a fucking atheist. I am being starved and abused psychologically in the hopes it will encourage me to get a job. Never considered it before, but I did today and my only regret would be not witnessing the glory of spurs captain Harry Kane.
Tomorrow tho, I am heading down to the emergency room to try and get back on my medication. Today I tried to get help from a psychiatry walk in clinic, but they couldn't do anything.
Saiyan-Rox
Member
I'm having severe anxiety issues again
Managed to beat the issues last year (to a degree) but as of the last few months it's come back.
went on a trip to liverpool to visit my 2 best friends we went out to drink and of course it happened and the whole night spiralled out of control this was with my 2 best friends we all know each other way too well and yet it still happened. was out with work mates 2 weeks ago and was fine up until the midnight then wam it hit me again and I needed to leave (for what it's worth I wasn't consuming alcohol that night so it's not to blame). however I was out last weekend and was completely fine :S Tonight I went out again with some friends and I was drinking a little bit just to have it hit me again.
I feel like a massive mess and don't know what to do with myself.
Managed to beat the issues last year (to a degree) but as of the last few months it's come back.
went on a trip to liverpool to visit my 2 best friends we went out to drink and of course it happened and the whole night spiralled out of control
this was with my 2 best friends we all know each other way too well and yet it still happened. was out with work mates 2 weeks ago and was fine up until the midnight then wam it hit me again and I needed to leave (for what it's worth I wasn't consuming alcohol that night so it's not to blame). however I was out last weekend and was completely fine :S Tonight I went out again with some friends and I was drinking a little bit just to have it hit me again.I feel like a massive mess and don't know what to do with myself.
crazepharmacist
Member
I think I just totally cured my depression/anxiety with Tianeptine and Memantine. It's only been a few days but I think it's going to be sustainable.
Octopus has no friends
Neo Member
Im exactly the same 29 extremely awkward socially have no friends and because of this i barely go out im planning on talking to a doctor maybe get on some medication and find a anxiety support group maybe i can meet people like me and make friends but i keep putting it off feeling its already to late for me as well just need to try and keep positive
From my previous experience with that people I know that they do step on a mine once (maybe even several times) in their lifetime and then experience this on their own skin. And I said before, it is not worth even to think about this.
I can't do this anymore. I said I wanted help but I don't want that. I just want to quit. These past few days have been some of the saddest days I haven't through and nobody wants to talk to me. My friends don't really care. I just want to die. I'm sick of prolonging this shit. Every year I feel like I'll make it through but it never happens no matter how successful I try to make myself.
I just want to turn on the car in the garage and go to sleep.
I feel like I don't belong in this world. A bunch of robots and I just seem to be the only human being.
I just want to turn on the car in the garage and go to sleep.
I feel like I don't belong in this world. A bunch of robots and I just seem to be the only human being.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
MisterLuffy
Member
Got an F on my c++ exam. Not happy about it, I'm really disappointed in myself.
Anyone here ever managed to get passed brain fog and shot memory? I've been taking fluoxetine and wellbutrin together for well over a year now and my brain constantly feels exhausted. I get enough rest and I'm pretty sure I'm eating adequately enough, but my brain never seems to function. It's really hampering my schoolwork, and I may finish this year (second year of university) with only 10 credits (and shit grades) for the two semesters. I really don't know what to do. Guess I'll just go back to sleep instead of trying to study. Does nothing for me.
Solutions to brain fog will vary from person to person. Sleep was the big thing that helped me clear up some, not only getting enough but sleeping at the same time every night. I went from having a sweet spot of a few hours every day I was productive and being sleepy the rest of the time to being able to work most of the day. I still can't do early mornings.
Eating is another obvious one but you say you're well rested and fed. Sometimes depression can hamper your appetite, which I didn't discover until I had some severe problems with exhaustion (I still get bouts of mental & physical exhaustion now and then from forgetting to eat). Sometimes I have to make a point of consuming more calories.
As far as memory, it's something you can train. Generally I've found the more structure I have in my day and the way I think about it the more I'm going to remember. A regular schedule is a big part of that but journaling my thoughts and experiences has helped, too. Especially at the end of my weeks I try to go through and make sure I can remember what I did every day and every night.
If you're feeling the motivation to hurt yourself please, please, please call one of the resources in the OP or go to an Emergency Room.
In the meantime I hope you can take my word, as someone who has suffered tremendously and been hospitalized multiple times for losing my will to live that it can and does get better. It takes time, effort and trial and error at a time when you've got no energy or patience to give, and in that way is completely unfair, but amongst those who've been in similar circumstances you will find understanding and sympathy.
Please PM me if there's anything else I can do. I'm real busy with the end of the semester but make sure to check GAF regularly.
Much love.
CheesecakeRecipe
Stormy Grey
It's time I admitted defeat.
I am a failure. I cannot make anything of worth. I should have taken the hint 8 years ago.
And I almost did back in January. I came so close to taking my own life. I had my out. I had a note partially written. I had my backup plans for all the places I had control over ready to be sent out. I had fucked up things in places, and completely isolated myself from others. I saw a window, at last, where I could finally put myself under and minimize damage. It had almost gone from being miserable every single day to finally feeling relief... that soon I would finally be free of it all. I cried daily, unsure if they were meant to be tears brought on by my desire to die or tears that I was about ready to go through with it.
But something happened in February. Like a window opening in a musky room, I felt some fresh air come in and I felt repulsed by what I was merely inches away from doing. I wanted to keep going, keep being the source of joy and positivity for people that I've been for a while. But I didn't feel completely out of the woods, and I knew I had to do something soon to capitalize on that feeling before the window closed again. I got that something in the first week of March. A project, which began life as nothing more than a mock-up for laughs, which I would soon be showered with support and appreciation for. I've... never had that whenever it's come to something I've done. It was intoxicating, invigorating, inspiring. It felt like, even if this was still just going to be a silly thing, things were finally about to change.
Ever since it started, I put myself completely into the project. I wanted to make it the best silly thing it could be, to show people I was capable of making something of worth and not just a complete throwaway. I had project fellows for the first time and was so eager to work with them to produce something far more involved than anything I've ever done before. But over the weeks and weeks of production, more work piled up and almost none of it was really getting done. Try as I might to get everyone on the same page, it was met with silence and devoid of progress. This has clouded my mind for weeks, and made me unable write any further.
Coming halfway through the 6th week of production, I've put myself under so much stress to try and solve all of the problems I saw the project having. I tried to put out all the fires and rebuild the whole structure at the same time. Was I putting too much on myself? Yes, but I needed this project to succeed. It wasn't a question. And I have a highly perfectionist tendency, so the sub-par work I was producing for the aspects of the project I knew I couldn't do but tried anyways only served to depress and stress me out further. I can't tell you how many drawing programs and 3D modeling suites I wrote out the word "Fuck" in using their tools, because it was the only word left in my mind.
I see now today that none of this is likely going to get finished. Nobody gives a shit about seeing it done nearly as much as I. And I mean, that's to be expected, it is my project after all. But my support is gone. My hopes of making this project to prove myself worth anyone's time or attention have evaporated with the coming of the warmer days. There's just too much work to be done and not enough of it has any chance of being completed at this rate. And I do not hold this against those who offered to work with me, whom I will not name as they do not deserve to be held responsible for any of this. In fact, I'm beyond grateful that they gave me a dream to have in the first place. I'd even brought on some new people over the weekend, but the damage to myself was already done.
To many, they probably won't notice that this project never finished. It didn't matter that much to them. But to me... this was supposed to be my return. My catharsis after months of feeling unhappy with everything. It was more than just a joke to me. I don't think people are going to understand that, and wonder why I became so engulfed by it. I was unable to extract any joy from playing games or listening to music, my usual escapes, because all I wanted to do was work. I can't really show people why this was such a huge deal to me and get them to understand it. And I guess that's fine.
I want more than anything to make this happen. I don't want to have to face everyone and tell them I give up. But nothing has changed. Nothing's getting better. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment. I fucked everything up like I always do.
I am a failure. I cannot make anything of worth. I should have taken the hint 8 years ago.
And I almost did back in January. I came so close to taking my own life. I had my out. I had a note partially written. I had my backup plans for all the places I had control over ready to be sent out. I had fucked up things in places, and completely isolated myself from others. I saw a window, at last, where I could finally put myself under and minimize damage. It had almost gone from being miserable every single day to finally feeling relief... that soon I would finally be free of it all. I cried daily, unsure if they were meant to be tears brought on by my desire to die or tears that I was about ready to go through with it.
But something happened in February. Like a window opening in a musky room, I felt some fresh air come in and I felt repulsed by what I was merely inches away from doing. I wanted to keep going, keep being the source of joy and positivity for people that I've been for a while. But I didn't feel completely out of the woods, and I knew I had to do something soon to capitalize on that feeling before the window closed again. I got that something in the first week of March. A project, which began life as nothing more than a mock-up for laughs, which I would soon be showered with support and appreciation for. I've... never had that whenever it's come to something I've done. It was intoxicating, invigorating, inspiring. It felt like, even if this was still just going to be a silly thing, things were finally about to change.
Ever since it started, I put myself completely into the project. I wanted to make it the best silly thing it could be, to show people I was capable of making something of worth and not just a complete throwaway. I had project fellows for the first time and was so eager to work with them to produce something far more involved than anything I've ever done before. But over the weeks and weeks of production, more work piled up and almost none of it was really getting done. Try as I might to get everyone on the same page, it was met with silence and devoid of progress. This has clouded my mind for weeks, and made me unable write any further.
Coming halfway through the 6th week of production, I've put myself under so much stress to try and solve all of the problems I saw the project having. I tried to put out all the fires and rebuild the whole structure at the same time. Was I putting too much on myself? Yes, but I needed this project to succeed. It wasn't a question. And I have a highly perfectionist tendency, so the sub-par work I was producing for the aspects of the project I knew I couldn't do but tried anyways only served to depress and stress me out further. I can't tell you how many drawing programs and 3D modeling suites I wrote out the word "Fuck" in using their tools, because it was the only word left in my mind.
I see now today that none of this is likely going to get finished. Nobody gives a shit about seeing it done nearly as much as I. And I mean, that's to be expected, it is my project after all. But my support is gone. My hopes of making this project to prove myself worth anyone's time or attention have evaporated with the coming of the warmer days. There's just too much work to be done and not enough of it has any chance of being completed at this rate. And I do not hold this against those who offered to work with me, whom I will not name as they do not deserve to be held responsible for any of this. In fact, I'm beyond grateful that they gave me a dream to have in the first place. I'd even brought on some new people over the weekend, but the damage to myself was already done.
To many, they probably won't notice that this project never finished. It didn't matter that much to them. But to me... this was supposed to be my return. My catharsis after months of feeling unhappy with everything. It was more than just a joke to me. I don't think people are going to understand that, and wonder why I became so engulfed by it. I was unable to extract any joy from playing games or listening to music, my usual escapes, because all I wanted to do was work. I can't really show people why this was such a huge deal to me and get them to understand it. And I guess that's fine.
I want more than anything to make this happen. I don't want to have to face everyone and tell them I give up. But nothing has changed. Nothing's getting better. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment. I fucked everything up like I always do.
hunchback
Member
Can you tell me more about this project? What exactly are you doing? Just from reading your post I can tell you have great passion for it. Is there a way that you can break the project down into smaller chunks so you don't feel as overwhelmed? Or was the main point of the project working and being social with other people?
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
Sorry no, in LA.
I wish more people were around here. It gets lost in all the noise.
hunchback
Member
Please accept my apologies for the late reply. 500 mg of Gabapentin is actually quite low. It does help me with anxiety but as you have read I'm on a higher dose. In fact, I just got bumped up to 600 mg/ 3 times a day. They use it as a combo for me. They are using it for nerve pain and anxiety.
How long before bed do you take that 300 mg dose? If your not getting any relief, especially at night when you need your sleep ask what can be done with your dosage. You asked how long it takes to work. I found that after a week of taking the meds I could tell they were working.
Once again, sorry about the delay. I'm trying to deal with a spinal infection right now. Let me know if you have anymore questions. Stay positive.
- Status