Thank you Bagels for creating this space for sharing freely and safely.
I have a spouse who has been diagnosed with Type II rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Our marriage is currently in tatters - we have been separated for four months, and I think hope is growing dim for our future together.
Near the beginning of our marriage, I embarked on a scary decision to pursue writing as a profession (something she endorsed and vowed to support). Invested in my work and perhaps foolishly taking her support for granted, I was shocked and hurt to find that one day less than six months in that she wanted to separate; she had been depressed, blamed me for not seeing it, and became engaged in a increasingly close and uncomfortable friendship with another man she had just met (who had no interest in her romantically).
It was a painful period, but we eventually reconciled. Over the next several months, I dedicated myself to becoming a better partner. I worked to achieve better work/life balance, spending more quality time with her. We went on a wonderful trip overseas together and things were as good as they had ever been. Upon our return, we were to spend some time in comfortable solitude on an island during the winter months. As she learned about her illness and began taking mood stabilizers, I vowed to her that I was going to support her in her coping with her illness any way that I can.
But plans changed. She made the decision to go to the island to spend some time alone by herself, to find herself and understand herself better. I agreed in support, even thought it was painful for me. Coming back suddenly for a visit two weeks in, she had once again decided abruptly that she wanted a divorce, that I should have let her go the very first time, that it was a mistake for her to get married. I suggested counselling (previously before as well), but she stated that counselling was for people who wanted to make things work. Needless to say, I was a shocked and broken man.
I tried to fight for our marriage once again, for us. I think she was moved by it, and for awhile she believed that it wasn't the marriage that was the problem, but the loss of herself triggered by the illness. Physically and mentally exhausted by the ordeal, I wanted a partner who could commit to me, and when she reached out to me in another bout of depression, I asked for her commitment to our partnership as the solution. In retrospect, a demand I deemed reasonable was probably too much for her. She pushed away.
Right now, I'm not sure where things are at. We are still on friendly (but cool) terms, have conversations about our relationship, but she has found her own place and has stated that romantic feelings are triggers for her illness. While stable right now, she says she's not ready for reconciliation and is asking me to move on with my life, but I cannot. I still don't know which part is the illness and which part is her, and I want to do everything I humanly can to work on our marriage so that I will have no regrets in the future. I am not at the point where I am ready to mourn for the loss of us, which barely had a chance to take root. The uncertainty is the worst.
As I learned more about bipolar disorder, I could identify the symptoms of the illness manifesting themselves over our short marriage of one and a half years. I could see the periods of anxiety and hypomania, the incredibly hurtful decisions that she made in abrupt fashion, her inability to commit to any important tasks, periods of extra outgoingness followed by periods of intense introversion, and the signs that show up before she becomes a different person.
This past year has taken a heavy toll on my own mental health. I used to consider myself emotionally resilient and intelligent, but nowadays I go through daily bouts of sadness, anger, frustration, and hope. I know this is unhealthy and that I need to take care of myself in order to support her, but it's hard to break out of the cycle. I have tried looking for support groups for spouses of people with bipolar disorder, but most of them just are people telling their own personal horror stories with little actual help.
Sorry this is so long. Just needed to write. As for resources, I found this to be quite useful:
Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner by Julie A. Fast