I wish I hadn't deleted it now.
I deleted it because I was afraid of being judged.
I read what you wrote before the edit, but I was going to meet up with some friends and didn't have the time to respond then. I think what may have happened with this girl is that she got confused about what you wanted, because she was expecting you take the initiative, but you didn't. I recognize the situation because that happened with me and at least two different girls back when I had no confidence regarding girls and thought I would never be able to get a girl to like me. After enough time passed the girl would be very awkward around me, and maybe we ended up as friends. Which I was totally fine with then, because I was so afraid of going out of my comfort zone at the time, that the thought that I had a chance with them terrified me, and just being friends seemed to be a better idea to me at the time.
My advice to you is, if you do get another chance to speak with this girl, to get both of you out of this awkward situation where none of you knows what any of you wants with the other by making your intentions clear, by asking her out on a date. Note: don't ask her to hang out, don't ask her to do homework with you. Use the word "date" or "take you out" to make your intentions absolutely clear. And don't just laze about in your apartment with her. You must give her a good time. Take her to a cozy coffee shop or a nice restaurant, go to a farmer's market or take her bowling. Just do something fun. So what if this is not what you usually do? You need to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. If you don't know any good restaurants et cetera., do research on the Internet with sites like Tripadvisor. If you go to a restaurant or coffee shop, try to build tension between yourself and her by letting your legs "accidentally" touch under the table. If you are walking together after the main activity, make sure to walk really close to her. I did this on the first date with the girl I have been seeing and it worked wonderfully to build tension. (But I'm pretty sure she helped in this regard, because I think she really knew what she was doing when we went on this date, and she initiated stuff like this just as much as I did.) I messed up on my first date by not going for a kiss (but made up for it with lots of kissing on the second) but I don't think you can afford to mess up like that, because you need to show her that you have stopped messing about and that you want to be with her, so definitely go for a kiss (or more).
You seem to be rather similar to where I used to be a couple of years ago, except for what you posted about not really wanting to be with a girl and not wanting to have sex. (If this is the reason you edited your post tell me, and I'll edit out this part.) I was the absolute opposite. Having meaningful relationships with girls and having sex are the things I most wanted out of life since I was eleven years old. Which makes my lack of success (until recently) since then all the more embarrassing and tragic. Are you sure that this is how you really feel, or are you convincing yourself to feel this way as a defence mechanism because of your prior lack of success? In certain periods when I had hit rock bottom, I almost convinced myself that I didn't need a girl, and that I would be happier without one anyway. But I was being dishonest with myself. On the other hand, asexuality and aromanticism do exist, and may be more common than we think. So if you really feel this way, don't force yourself into pursuing something you don't want. I think you really need to think about whether these thoughts you have are genuine or just a defence mechanism like it was for me.
I have been thinking about myself and why I have very suddenly started to see more interest from girls (more in the last three months than what I saw in total in the ten years before that) while there has been no readily apparent and visible sudden change in myself to explain such a sudden change. (The only tangible change I can think of is that I stopped wearing ugly worn-out trainers unless I was going to do exercise and got a nice pair of sneakers in stead. While that may have helped somewhat, I don't think it's nearly enough to explain such a large change.) The conclusion I have come to is that something inside me must have changed. I think before, when I still thought that I could never have a relationship and was too afraid to try, I was subconsciously sending out signals that I didn't want to get involved with girls that girls subconsciously picked up on, and in turn they wouldn't show any interest in me, because why bother? After slowly improving myself, making efforts to try new things and building confidence over the last couple of years (lurking the Dating-Age threads, all the way back to Combine's OG thread, likely helped with this) and a sudden moment of epiphany to kickstart the change (for me this moment was a trip I went to in August when two different attractive girls were flirting with me, which made me realize that my hard work had started to come to fruition) I started to more actively look for opportunities and situations where opportunities may arise, my subconscious stopped with the self-sabotage, and girls that would be interested stopped picking up signals saying "don't bother", and instead started to pick up the subconscious signals that I should be genetically programmed to send out, thanks to evolution and the biological imperative of reproduction: "I'm available, I'm interested and I'm awesome". I guess what I'm trying to say, since I have been in your situation (and still am to some degree, but I think I'm finally moving away from that), is: recognize what you want with yourself and with others, work on improving yourself and your confidence and recognize any subconscious self-sabotage and negative thought patterns. The rest should come eventually.
My final advice to you, for now at least, is that from your posts you seem to be a bit afraid of trying new things. But trying new things is what helps you grow as a person. The more experiences you have under your belt, the more confident, interesting and attractive you become. You should try and totally throw yourself out there. You have amazing opportunities as a student. Do a year or a semester of studies abroad (I wish I had done something like that as a student). This will force you to experience a new culture, try new things, meet new people and give you more interesting stories to tell. If you don't want to, or can't do this, do new things on a smaller scale. Join a club, pick up a new hobby, try out a new sport (I recommend trying to find a not very popular one that no one has heard of; that way, they will be happy for any new blood, and won't care too much if you suck) learn how to play an instrument, go on cooking classes or dancing classes. These are all things that are (hopefully) fun, force you to meet new people, force you to socialize, give you new experiences and make you a more interesting person.
That day on the gaming event I mentioned we both bought a PC copy of Diablo 3 because we wanted to play the entire campaign together on co-op. We started playing that night an she was upset because I wasn't playing some quest along her.
I didn't even mentioned before because I would never believe some "gaming incident" fucked up what we had. No fucking way.
I don't know man, no offence, but from your posts that girl sounds really immature and like a drama queen. I think you may be better off without her.
Congrats! That will be an adventure."
