Not sure how to preface this, but here it goes.
At the age of sixteen (in 2009) I had vowed to myself that I was done playing games (the dating kind not the video game kind), and to no longer waste my time on somebody that has no intention of making it work. I became interested in stability, respect, loyalty, and consistency. Shortly after this declaration (a couple of weeks), a very close friend of mine at that time confessed her feelings for me. I had known her for a year at that point, shared mutual feelings, and thought that she was the real deal. The relationship lasted for four years and nine months, I had to terminate the relationship because I could no longer bear the pain from events that took place in 2010 and 2011. The girl I fell in love with was no longer the same girl I had to break up with earlier this year, we were in two different places, and I felt that I have outgrown her. After nearly a year and a half of trying to salvage our relationship, we knew that the undesirable outcome was inevitable. I'll always be grateful for the influence she has had on my life and for how much I have grown from that relationship. Without those experiences I don't think I'd be well off as I am now.
With that being said, I'm going to refer to my past again to provide more context to my current problem.
I transferred to a new high school for senior year (2010-2011), only because my ex girlfriend was home schooled when we started dating junior year and we decided to go to her local high school together for our senior year. First person I met at the new school was a girl who I will refer to as "Ay", and my ex will be "Dy". Ay and I met in an architecture class, after a day of the class I decided to drop it and swap for another elective because I found the teacher to be dull. Ay and I ran into each other a few times during the fall semester and would casually talk. Come spring semester (Jan 2011), Ay and I ended up having the same government class together.
Come early Mar 2011, Dy and I broke up for the first time (first out of the two break ups). This break up was devastating for me, and I was not handling it the way I normally would. I don't chase girls, but Dy was the first.
Late Mar 2011: In my government class a project was assigned to us that required groups of two, Ay and I sat next to each other so we chose each other by default. We would work on the project at Ay's home.
It was mid-semester at this point and I got to know Ay with the time spent at her house working on the project along with being in-class together. I realized that I liked her, not just as a crush but a genuine "like", which was something that threw me off. Because when Dy and I broke up senior year we were nearly two years together and I was deeply in love with Dy. Only reason as to why this came as a shock was because I'm picky (in terms of character, not looks. Obviously I have to be attracted to a the girl) when it comes to finding someone ideal as a romantic partner.
Prom was coming up and I heavily considered asking Ay if she wanted to go with me. However, by doing so that would have given Dy the green light to do as she pleases. Being as prideful as I was and confident that I would have her back, I foolishly denied myself the chance to move on from Dy. So I reserved myself. Ay not having a clue.
Post HS Graduation
Dy and I got back together mid summer 2011, and I stay in contact with Ay via text/social media. To be clear, our conversations were always friendly, casual, and not that often. I never pursued anything with Ay while being back with Dy because I'm not that type of guy. If I'm going to play around, which I won't, I wouldn't waste someone else's time.
Anyway, Ay and I only ran into each other twice on college campus, given that we attend the same institution, and that was as far as it went.
Now here is the real problem that I bring to you today, GAF:
Fast forward to Spring 2014, I've broken up with Dy and Ay texts me a couple of weeks after my break up, we catch up, and decide to meet up at the school's periodicals.
We met up twice that month, we casually talked and studied together. Nothing came after that, which I was fine with me because I had just ended a long term relationship that wasn't easy for me to do.
Now the snowball begins to fall down the mountain, come mid August (the 18th) Ay texts me telling me that she was reading a novel that made references to psychology (my major) and thought of me. Within that same greeting text she asks what my schedule for fall semester will be like, so I assume that she wants to see me. Which was a correct assumption, from this point until Sept 28 we texted almost every day. Within that time frame we saw each other four times, and this time off campus. Things were moving slow and I was okay with that.
The last time we've talked or seen each other was September 28th when I took her out to a hockey game. At this point it had been over a month (42 days) and I got to know more about Ay. Also, I disclosed information about me to her that I normally wouldn't because she made me feel that comfortable. I had grown to like her even more than before, and I felt a similar feeling that I had for Dy in 2009.
The day we went out for the hockey game/lunch went great, and on our way back home I decided that I should say something because I could no longer hold it in. I had no specific desired outcome, I just needed to say it and for the first time I felt confident enough to be straight forward with a girl. (I was really timid in HS)
I began to express myself to her, I could already tell that she didn't feel mutual, but I continued anyway. She respectfully listened as I parked my car outside of her house, I confessed to her that I wanted to take her out to prom, and she replies in shock saying that she went alone along with having no idea that I was (or would be) into her back then. I told her right after that I once passed up an opportunity with her and that I didn't want to do it again. She also giggled at some of the compliments I gave her while expressing myself, such as that she was pretty, smart, etc. I told her the important reasons why I liked her and the superficial ones (similar interests, physical attractions, etc). Also saying "wow" (not in a sarcastic tone) after certain statements, such as not wanting to pass up an opportunity with her again.
After my somewhat sloppy declaration she spoke, prefacing with that she isn't trying to undermine my feelings, but she felt that we were barely building a friendship at that point. I replied with telling her that I felt the same way, telling her that it only makes me believe that my feelings for her are legitimate since it's been so innocent between her and I. (No moves have been made, is what I mean by innocent,) She then continued to disclose that she has a hard time expressing herself and that she doesn't develop feelings so hastily. Adding that whenever she does develop feelings she fears of becoming too needy or she begins to doubt herself. Also, that she had just gotten over a "all guys are stupid" phase. Telling me that the past two years hasn't been that great for her (I believed her since she has told me about previous dates/boyfriends, she has not had the best luck with her choice of men.) and by stating that she has never had a serious relationship before. Then she proceeds to tell me that she doesn't like to feel cornered, as in a guy pushing her to make it official, PDA, and things along that line. She also said that she would rather want someone than need someone, and that she was just trying to focus on doing her for now. I told her that I agree on both statements, but I didn't want to let this up once again. I did not want to repeat the same mistake I made three and a half years ago.
Wrapping up, I told her that I understand where she was coming from and that I didn't feel undermined. I let her know that I wanted to respect her boundaries and that if "this" went anywhere beyond this point that I'd hoped she'd find it in herself to trust me. Since she disclosed some information of her past relationships I did the same, trying to make her feel that I too have been hurt. Lastly, I told her that I don't play games, that I'm not the type of guy to see multiple people, and that I don't agree with the dating patterns that our generation condones. I then tell her that we (men) are not all jerks.
Ending our talk, we get out of the car and she approaches me for a hug as per usual, but this time a longer one. She says "I had a great time tonight". I reply, "Me too, obviously", she giggles. Then she wishes me good night and I do the same. We haven't talked since and tomorrow will be a month of this silence.
I did not approach her afterwards because I felt as if my hands were tied.
On one end, I want to go after her but I had no idea on how to follow up on this. I didn't think it this far through, I was going based off of my intuition and gut feeling. I also didn't want her to think that I was just an act, wanting to have her believe what I said to her that night was true.
On the other end, I wanted to keep my word when I told her that I respected her space and her pace of things. I didn't want to be another one of the guys that "corners" her. I unloaded a lot on her that night and I'm not sure if it overwhelmed her. She said she has a hard time being expressive, and I hard time reading her that night. I couldn't get anything solid out of her. So I froze, I had no idea what to do.
I talked to a sibling and a co-worker about this and they both advised that I'd wait for her to get back to me, because to them the ball was in her court, so to speak. This month of silence has left me with more questions than answers. If Ay wasn't romantically interested in me, then why did she approach me the way she did back in August? Is she the one that's playing games and knowing that I'm not all about that, she backed off? I can handle rejection and the "friendzone" but being left in the dark like this is really bothersome.
I would usually consult these kinds of matters with Dy (when we were friends) or my best friend. However, he has moved to Seattle with his fiance and we never speak of these things over the phone, but he will be in town this weekend. So I was left to do this all on my own.
Yesterday, Ay posted a tweet saying "Tired of dudes being lil b words."
Yeah, it's not safe to assume that it has anything to do with me, but I have nothing to go off of right now. I may be only 21 but I'm too old to not know what's going on, and too old to be entertaining someone just for the hell of it.
Lecture/advise me, GAF.