Support NeoGAF

[blahblah...blah]

What the fuck is going on here? OP, you should have painted a much clearer picture right at the beginning, this is hugely difficult to follow, and - thus - to give you valuable advice.

 

[Sickboy007]

For the love of god read the whole thread.

I'm not saying everyone here was pure with their reactions, but the op kept adding random details like we were all already familiar with the situation.

I've read the thread from the very beginning, and the succession of events makes it even worse.

 

[samus i am]

This thread is fucking disgusting, i would have imagined the married with kids stuff would have made the "she's into it" crowd reconsider their opinion in shame, but they're actually coming back with "so she cheated on her husband"? Whoa

There are unfortunately a lot of people with that view, but I think a couple posters came to the wrong conclusion because of the way the OP reviled the information. He has since updated the OP, but it might have not entirely been their fault.

 

[Raist]

Updated OP. WTF?!

[...] acquaintace raped
[...]

Should I make an ultimatum? I can't be friends with you if you continue to expose yourself to that type of danger over and over again.

No seriously I mean W T F?

 

[samus i am]

Updated OP. WTF?!



No seriously I mean W T F?

It is a serious subject, but I laughed at that. Why can't he just write rape?

 

[Dude Abides]

That's why I said get the prosecutor and a consular involved. Hopefully that can get something done.

Prosecutor won't do anything with an unwilling survivor and no other evidence. I dont know what a consular would do, contact the parents maybe?

 

[Draxal]

Chi:

Is your friend super religious as some american korean's tend to be? (My Korean mom is a super religious korean as are lot of her friends, and I see a shit ton of kyuhii's around here). If so, bringing her to the pastor might help a ton.

 

[mr jones]

Police need to be called. I know you can probably psyche yourself up and become pretty intimidating, but at best it probably won't do much and at worst you could be in legal trouble yourself.

Husband needs to be told. I don't think it's even an option that this remains a secret. She needs to go to the police and at that point it is out in the open. The husband should probably know about it before that, threats of violence notwithstanding.

Do whatever you need to do to achieve those two things. This is all you can do, besides being a friend.

I really don't know what the police would do at this point in time, but I'm not going to disagree with this post. Get your friend help, Chi.

 

[Sickboy007]

It is a serious subject, but I laughed at that. Why can't he just write rape?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_rape

 

[Vagabundo]

How supportive is the husband?

That's the first point of call as far as I'm concerned, if he is supportive. If not then that's a problem. She needs to be safe, without getting the cops involved or threatening the guy that would be difficult. It is her decision, but she may not be thinking straight right now. Getting her to meet with the police, if they have a women's victims unit could help convince her to do something more.

I would suggest that you continue to support your friend as much as you can.

 

[stupei]

For the love of god read the whole thread.

I'm not saying everyone here was pure with their reactions, but the op kept adding random details like we were all already familiar with the situation and the people involved.

But it is pretty telling that for a fair amount of people the immediate thought is, "I bet she's lying," unless proven otherwise, or that the only reason the OP would care about a woman being raped is if he wants to sleep with her himself. But hey, what is a thread about rape if not an opportunity to make a hilarious joke?

I know that. Even the second line says "The term date rape is widely used but can be misleading because the person who commits the crime might not be dating the victim." Which is why rape should just be called rape.

This I do agree with. OP was unintentionally confusing. It's unfortunately not at all uncommon for someone to be raped by an acquaintance so it's not really necessary to qualify that as anything other than simply "rape," and in this case it would have led to less confusion.

Still doesn't remotely excuse the accusations early on in the thread, though.

 

[Raist]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_rape

There's really no point updating from "date raped" to "acquaintance raped".
And then there's adding "maybe I should stop being friends with her".

wtfisthisshit

 

[samus i am]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_rape

I know that. Even the second line says "The term date rape is widely used but can be misleading because the person who commits the crime might not be dating the victim." Which is why rape should just be called rape.

 

[Byakuya769]

For the love of god read the whole thread.

I'm not saying everyone here was pure with their reactions, but the op kept adding random details like we were all already familiar with the situation and the people involved.

We only want a coherent story so we can blame her, clearly. No other reason why you would want a story that makes sense.

 

[ChiTownBuffalo]

My bad.

I'm just scatterbrained and mad when she told me he was coming over.

Sorry GAF.

Level on anger is subsiding. Still want to break that fucker though.

 

[Hot Coldman]

Man, this whole thread is tragic.

 

[morningbus]

I really don't know what the police would do at this point in time, but I'm not going to disagree with this post. Get your friend help, Chi.

Convincing her to go to the police is going to be hard, no doubt. But it's basically the only thing they can do in this situation. There is probably no damning physical evidence anymore, so they may go through it and be unable to do anything. However, it still needs to happen, if only to show the guy that you will go to the police and you will preserve any future evidence if he attempts it again.

When she files the rape report she also needs to try and get a restraining order. Again, it might not do much, but it is basically all you can legally do.

 

[Emitan]

I know that. Even the second line says "The term date rape is widely used but can be misleading because the person who commits the crime might not be dating the victim." Which is why rape should just be called rape.

Getting raped by a random stranger isn't the same as being raped by someone you know. Call it what it is.

 

[Sickboy007]

I know that. Even the second line says "The term date rape is widely used but can be misleading because the person who commits the crime might not be dating the victim." Which is why rape should just be called rape.

There's a reason the term exists, the fear and shame dynamic is completely different if the victim knows his/her raper.

 

[Typographenia]

Should I make an ultimatum? I can't be friends with you if you continue to expose yourself to that type of danger over and over again.

I certainly wouldn't do that. I obviously don't know the entire circumstances surrounding either of your lives or relationship with one another, but I don't think she could do with one less positive voice in this matter. I wouldn't threaten to stop being a friend to her, but she certainly needs help in some way.

 

[CrankyJay]

Chi, how does she know this rapist? Does she HAVE to see him on a repeated basis (co-worker?) or is she seeing him out of fear?

 

[POWERSPHERE]

You are in love

She is in trouble.

 

[tiff]

Getting raped by a random stranger isn't the same as being raped by someone you know. Call it what it is.

Better to throw out the general term and let the story provide context than use a misleading term that gives people the wrong impression.

Being up-to-date on feminist lingo shouldn't be a requirement to posting on OT.

 

[-COOLIO-]

interesting.

if you keep going back it doesnt seem as.... rapey?

it starts to sound more like a self-destructive addiction. not that i dont blame the guy for being a piece of shit if he is in fact raping her but she definitely has a problem too.

 

[DY_nasty]

Rape creates problems bro. Its not a "rape addiction".

Better to throw out the general term and let the story provide context than use a misleading term that gives people the wrong impression.

Being up-to-date on feminist lingo shouldn't be a requirement to posting on OT.

feminist lingo?

wtf

 

[Sickboy007]

Better to throw out the general term and let the story provide context than use a misleading term that gives people the wrong impression.

Being up-to-date on feminist lingo shouldn't be a requirement to posting on OT.

Give me a break, i'm not even a native speaker and i know what date rape means.

 

[samus i am]

There's a reason the term exists, the fear and shame dynamic is completely different if the victim knows his/her raper.

It is a misleading term, that doesn't have one accepted definition. I do acknowledge that the feelings for the victim are different.

 

[FlyingTeacup]

You are in love

She is in trouble.

dude...

 

[Raguel]

You are in love

She is in trouble.

How about you don't say stupid shit and contribute?

 

[tiff]

Give me a break, i'm not even a native speaker and i know what date rape means.

good for you.

 

[Schwowsers]

Assuming the husband is a reasonable, supportive guy, tell him! If she's afraid of her husband finding out, and this fear is driving her to continue to meet with the rapist, break that cycle by telling the husband yourself.

This could, of course, go horribly wrong, but I think it's the route I would take in such a situation.

 

[Raguel]

interesting.

if you keep going back it doesnt seem as.... rapey?

it starts to sound more like a self-destructive addiction. not that i dont blame the guy for being a piece of shit if he is in fact raping her but she definitely has a problem too.

God damn it not this again.

 

[morningbus]

But it is pretty telling that for a fair amount of people the immediate thought is, "I bet she's lying," unless proven otherwise, or that the only reason the OP would care about a woman being raped is if he wants to sleep with her himself. But hey, what is a thread about rape if not an opportunity to make a hilarious joke?

Eh, I'm not going to spend my time getting worked up over assholes that think this is the time to make a joke. The mods will take care of it.

However, a lot of "she's lying" or "you aren't telling the truth" stuff came from the fact that the story didn't make complete sense initially. Then the op's trickle of details began casting even more doubt, removing any of the sense that was even there initially.

When things don't add up, a person's initial reaction is to call bullshit. I don't blame anyone for having that kind of reaction. However, it would have been in everyone's best interest, instead of making snap judgements, to have gotten the op to retell the story.

My bad.

I'm just scatterbrained and mad when she told me he was coming over.

Sorry GAF.

Level on anger is subsiding. Still want to break that fucker though.

It's totally understandable. Don't worry.

 

[samus i am]

Give me a break, i'm not even a native speaker and i know what date rape means.

Here is good example:

So she is cheating on her husband and the guy she is cheating with raped her? Or were you using "date rape" more loosely? Not that cheating makes rape ok, I'm just confused as to the relationships between the various parties.

From reading his posts Dude Abides seems like an intelligent guy, and he was thrown off by the phrasing.

 

[ConfusingJazz]

Prosecutor won't do anything with an unwilling survivor and no other evidence. I dont know what a consular would do, contact the parents maybe?

I am assuming they have more experience in this then we do. Working with victims is part of their job. I would think a victim's consular would be able to make her see past the fear and realize the guy is a piece of shit rapist and needs to go to prison.

I dunno, its a shit place to be in, and I am sure none of us, including ChiTown, are in any capacity to get to a better place. There isn't really a good place to be from here, but at least a less shit one.

 

[HP_Wuvcraft]

Should I make an ultimatum? I can't be friends with you if you continue to expose yourself to that type of danger over and over again.

Why would you ever do this?

That is a sure-fire way of ending the friendship, and way over the line.

This isn't about you.

 

[SmokyDave]

Give me a break, i'm not even a native speaker and i know what date rape means.

I'm a native speaker and I had absolutely no idea how broad the term 'date rape' actually was until I read the Wiki entry 5 minutes ago.

 

[The Elite]

I think he's saying the guy climbed into her house at a later date to make a "tell on me and I can come hurt you or your children" point.

Police need to be informed right now if this is true. Don't pass it by her.

I'm a native speaker and I had absolutely no idea how broad the term 'date rape' actually was until I read the Wiki entry 5 minutes ago.

Same here. That's why I got the impression she was cheating and things turned ugly. And I'm not saying cheating makes rape on. Rape is never ok. Ever!

 

[Sickboy007]

Here is good example:



From reading his posts Dude Abides seems like an intelligent guy, and he was thrown off by the phrasing.

I asked myself what their relationship was, but once the OP said they were friends and she was married the cheating accusations were just ridiculous.

 

[TUSR]

How about you don't say stupid shit and contribute?

hes a jr and will get perma'ed no doubt from that.

Chi, she needs to be protected because there is some serious emotional/mental damage done to her. She may not see it or feel it, but her and her family need protection from a man like this.

This is an utterly insane situation, slippery slope either way.

 

[thekad]

This thread is confusing as fuck, so I'm not entirely sure what the story is, but it's understandable that Chi's friend would be hesitant to tell her husband she was raped. And more than once at that? Yeah, that'd be difficult.

 

[The Elite]

This thread is confusing as fuck, so I'm not entirely sure what the story is, but it's understandable that Chi's friend would be hesitant to tell her husband she was raped. And more than once at that? Yeah, that'd be difficult.

At some point he's going to find out. Better he find out on her terms. Let this fester and shit will gut uglier than it already is.

 

[Count Dookkake]

I've been in similar situations a few times. At first it really bothered me, but now I dispassionately say that I can't afford the energy to care, unless they will be strong and come with me to the police.


EDIT- There is not much you can do without getting her on board. Don't make yourself go crazy.

 

[madmook]

Why does she continue to see him?

Why haven't you told her husband?

 

[Zoe]

I asked myself what their relationship was, but once the OP said they were friends and she was married the cheating accusations were just ridiculous.

I think people are just trying to make sense of the situation, specifically why she doesn't want her husband to know. It's more understandable to an outsider that she wouldn't tell her husband if she had been cheating. We know now that there's no romantic relationship, though that doesn't make her actions any easier to understand if you've never been a victim.

 

[electricshake]

Fucking hell I can't believe some of the responses in this thread. Is it really surprising that so few women who have been raped come forward? I'm genuinely sickened by some of the replies in here.

Anyway, OP, I think the best course of action would be to talk to your friend and convince her that she needs to report this to the police. She obviously needs professional help, so is there a rape crisis centre or something similar near you? They can hopefully give her the help and support she needs.

Whatever you do, don't confront the guy. And I don't think it's your place to tell the husband (or the police for that matter) - she has to do it, or at least give you permission to. Hence why getting her to talk to people who have dealt with this before is a good idea.

 

[pigeon]

ITT: everything is terrifying

Your friend got put in a horrific situation. It's your responsibility as a friend to give her the support she needs to make the right decisions for herself, and not to make decisions for her. Tell her that you support her and that you're willing to do whatever she needs you to do to help solve this problem, but also tell her politely what you think she ought to do -- which had better be to see a rape counselor. She needs a professional to help her deal with this situation. Find a woman's shelter and take her there. Don't make this your problem, but be available to help solve it. Especially don't take it upon yourself to engage with the husband or the rapist.

edit: ITT: electricshake posts faster than me

 

[PJV3]

Fucking hell I can't believe some of the responses in this thread. Is it really surprising that so few women who have been raped come forward? I'm genuinely sickened by some of the replies in here.

Anyway, OP, I think the best course of action would be to talk to your friend and convince her that she needs to report this to the police. She obviously needs professional help, so is there a rape crisis centre or something similar near you? They can hopefully give her the help and support she needs.

Whatever you do, don't confront the guy. And I don't think it's your place to tell the husband (or the police for that matter) - she has to do it, or at least give you permission to. Hence why getting her to talk to people who have dealt with this before is a good idea.

Good advice, from my experience of dealing with a rape victim everything should come from her, she might deny it to the police if you force her. Obviously that changes if she is being threatened and is in danger.

 

[Sealda]

Just my inituition tells me this could turn into suicide, murder and what not. Just what is clear is that the wife needs to be protected from the rapist.

 

[Bizazedo]

All the suggestions are well and good, but he'd also probably be doing a good thing of quickly and strongly suggesting she not see the guy again.

It's easier to make sane decisions when you're not constantly in the same room as the threat.