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Dear Gaf, say your friend was raped.

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I think it's pretty clear that the rapist has sent a message to the OPs friend with the whole climbing into their house where her kids was sleeping.
If she can't come out to the police out of fear of her kids then you need to do it - because if nothing is done, her home and children will be in danger.
 
What the hell happened here?

I left for lunch.

Came back and I see the title change. Got damn.
 
I honestly can't believe some of the replies to not call the cops. I can understand the intention of not getting involved in someone else's business, but cases of alleged rape must be taken seriously. Not to mention she's a friend of his, too.
 
OP you must live the craziest life of anyone I have ever heard about. The things you have done and gone through are movie materia
 
I honestly can't believe some of the replies to not call the cops. I can understand the intention of not getting involved in someone else's business, but cases of alleged rape must be taken seriously. Not to mention she's a friend of his, too.

Dealing with cops in the past leads me to believe they can't do much if there isn't sufficient proof or if the woman is not cooperative. They can issue warnings and talk to people but that is about it.

She's going to need a certain level of comfort and then understand that she needs to come forward and speak with the police.
 
This whole situation sounds REALLY fucking weird. Sounds like she likes it balls deep... Report it, and if not gtfo... something is missing here...
 
I honestly can't believe some of the replies to not call the cops. I can understand the intention of not getting involved in someone else's business, but cases of alleged rape must be taken seriously.
I agree! That's why I recommend a women's shelter -- because they take rape seriously. After that maybe they can find a way to engage with the police.
 
Summary please?

  1. OP post a confusing thread about his friend being "raped"/"acquaintance raped" multiple times by someone.
  2. Posters respond with questions such as "why does she go back?", "do you fancy her"; and a number of posters are banned for making comments insinuating that she is crying wolf.
  3. OP clears up the whole mess by adding that she has a husband and kids, that the rapist has visited her house by climbing through the window, and that she is afraid. Something about cultural expectations and shame playing a role as this is taking place in Korea.
  4. Some posters are supportive, others are suggesting that something isn't quite right.
 
simpsons.gif
 
Somewhere in the world Devo is raging at this thread.

At minimun a restraining order should be in the works THIS second. It's not about your friendship or her feelings or shame anymore. There are CHILDREN in danger from this sick fuck.

It's alarming that she didn't take action when the guy snuck into her house. That she brushed it off as a "joke" and that she thinks that he's apologizing "in his own way" says a lot about the dynamics of their relationship.

I had this happen to a friend of mine (without getting to the sex) and she felt guilty as if she had cheated on her husband. She didn't have any intentions to, but it nearly happened due to alcohol. Somehow your friend is a lot more involved with this guy, so it will take so much more for her to come out to her husband.

You need to take action OP, at least to drag her into seeing a professional or a help group.
 
This whole situation sounds REALLY fucking weird. Sounds like she likes it balls deep... Report it, and if not gtfo... something is missing here...

oh, you're not long for this world...


Husband needs to be on the same page. He has the right to know that this man has been in his house. Threatened his family.

I almost wish OP didn't make himself so publicly attached to this, just in case an SUV needed to be rented, and a husband and a true friend needed to go do some things.
 
Everybody who thinks that the OP should immediately go to the husband or the cops should reread the posts in this thread and contemplate what their response might be.

edit: Uh, it's when somebody gets raped by an acquaintance of theirs? The most common form of rape (in America, at least)?
 
No offense, but it's not only about her feelings. If this asshole is willing to rape this woman multiple times, he's a danger to every other woman he knows.

Talk to her about it in those terms, hopefully she'll come forward.
 
Everybody who thinks that the OP should immediately go to the husband or the cops should reread the posts in this thread and contemplate what their response might be.

edit: Uh, it's when somebody gets raped by an acquaintance of theirs? The most common form of rape (in America, at least)?

What would you suggest the OP does? Neither? What other recourse is there then eventually getting the police involved?

As for acquaintance rape, it's the first time I've ever heard that term and the OP originally had it written in as date rape. Hence why a lot of people thought she was cheating when the OP revealed later that she had a husband. For those of you jumping on a lot of the people for asking questions on the first page, the original post has been changed to add a lot more detail.


Call the cops.

No offense, but it's not only about her feelings. If this asshole is willing to rape this woman multiple times, he's a danger to every other woman he knows.

Especially after hearing the bit about the guy crawling into her room at night. It has to be done. He's obviously a danger to others.
 
I'm so confused by this, but:

I don't really understand why she doesn't want her husband to know (afraid he might do something dangerous regarding the rapist, or something dangerous to her?)

I'm guessing her unwillingness to press charges is also related to the husband?

Sounds like she might need some help, too.


Don't think you should do anything though. Though, mainly that's just my world view with not involving myself with other people's problems. I think the ultimatum thing is retarded, though.
 
Does she have brothers or a father that's in her life? If so, I'd go to them. She might hate you for it and never speak to you or forgive you but it's worth a friendship to get her help.
 
He has snuck into their house via an open window.
This guy needs to be removed from society. I know your friend is shamed (and I understand the concept of shame to people from "over there"), but somehow you need to help her understand that this guy isn't going to stop. Even if he doesn't keep victimizing her, he may well move on to someone else, and as hard as it would be for her to tell her husband and risk losing face to her family, that's an easier consequence to live with than to see this SOB on the 6 o'clock news as having raped/hurt/worse some other lady.
 
I've had a total of four friends or girlfriends who were raped (no epidemic, I just have met a large amount of people from all over). All of them went nuts in their own particular way for awhile at different timeframes. Not very surprising, gotta be the worst feeling ever next to extreme depression and PTSD. One of them I was actually blamed for (her mom said to me "if you two had still been together none of this would have happened"), that really stung, crazy lady.

Don't get involved. Let her do what she's gonna do. If she decides to let it go, you let it go. If she wants to press charges, then fine. It's her life and her emotions.
 
What would you suggest the OP does? Neither? What other recourse is there then eventually getting the police involved?
What I already posted in the thread -- go talk to the woman in question, since it's her life and her decisions to make, and tell her you are there for her, you know that this whole situation is pretty terrible, and you think she should talk to a rape crisis counselor as soon as possible and work with them to figure out what to do next. Seriously, it's not the OP's life.
 
You can't really call this "her problem" - the rapist is a threat to innocent children whose fate shouldn't be determined by what their mother decides to do.
Add to the mix the possibility of this rapist raping other women should the OP's friend not do anything, it becomes pretty clear that this is more than just one person's problem.
 
That's true but some people need a lot of time to even begin processing things let alone face things. Its a really shitty situation. I don't disagree with you though, I think you're right.
 
You can't really call this "her problem" - the rapist is a threat to innocent children whose fate shouldn't be determined by what their mother decides to do.
Add to the mix the possibility of this rapist raping other women should the OP's friend not do anything, it becomes pretty clear that this is more than just one person's problem.

I definitely think the guy should be, you know, arrested, put in jail. I just think that you need to get the actual victim to take action for any of that to be effective. Are you going to call the cops and say, "Listen, a friend of mine got raped twice?" They're going to ask why she isn't calling. Again, just reading this thread should tell you how difficult it will be to get past that and get them to actually take action.
 
This is an honest question: Do people not get any kind of information or training on how to deal with rapes or anything in the corporate world or at university or at whatever jobs people have?
I'm not going to pretended like I am some awesome counselor or that I have all the answers, because I am not and I don't. But I've spent the last six years getting briefings constantly about two things: rape and suicide. Of course that was beause both of those things happen way too much in the military. But the briefings happened all the time.

I understand Chi feeling a bit lost and having questions. I'm not saying he should know what to do. But some of the questions, answers, and suggestions that people have posted are ridiculous and show that a lot of people don't know shit about rape. And that is obviously a pretty big problem that needs to be addressed somehow. It seems like the only way information can find its way into people's hands would be through their jobs. Which I could see an HR dept forming a program around in the corporate world, but I don't know if the local McDonald's would be willing to start up an awareness program for their employees.

I don't know... It just sucks.
 
Tell husband and/or call the cops. Her decisions are putting her and her family at risk and there's likely nothing you can do to help her (and it would require a huge investment of time and emotion on your part that may not result in a desirable outcome for her anyway -- you've already tried to get her help and she isn't getting it so what else can you do?).
 
This is an honest question: Do people not get any kind of information or training on how to deal with rapes or anything in the corporate world or at university or at whatever jobs people have?

No. Most you'd usually get is diversity and harassment training.
 
The husband needs to know immediately and both of you should report it to the police. She's in a seriously bad place right now by the sounds of it, and she needs your help.
 
So they are in Korean, but you live in Chicago right? I'm not gonna pretend I understand the cultural nuances at play here, or that I understand the female psyche in this situation at all. What I do know is that if it were me, I wouldn't be able to keep myself from going to the husband/police.

I would try and talk to her one-on-one in a comfortable place and ask her to call the police herself. If she still doesn't agree, do it yourself. All these people saying to butt out of her business are wrong. She's made it your business, and as a friend and a fellow citizen it's the right thing to do to help her and her family and get this guy behind bars, even if it costs you her friendship.
 
Fucking hell I can't believe some of the responses in this thread. Is it really surprising that so few women who have been raped come forward? I'm genuinely sickened by some of the replies in here.

Anyway, OP, I think the best course of action would be to talk to your friend and convince her that she needs to report this to the police. She obviously needs professional help, so is there a rape crisis centre or something similar near you? They can hopefully give her the help and support she needs.

Whatever you do, don't confront the guy. And I don't think it's your place to tell the husband (or the police for that matter) - she has to do it, or at least give you permission to. Hence why getting her to talk to people who have dealt with this before is a good idea.

Sorry, can't agree with this. If she feels that she's the one at fault for the abuse, then she'll allow it to continue. This isn't a stranger; this is ChiTownBuffalo's friend, and I would think telling her husband would be a good way to get the ball rolling on trying to get help.

There's been a lot of bullshit in this thread, so I'll just keep posting this:

Tell her husband. Get her help. Call the authorities.
 
I feel like this is just a bullshit ban-bait thread, what with details that are ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL to the story such as the chick being married, the aggressor actually breaking into their house to attack her etc. being thrown in as "by the way" incidentals every 50 posts or so by the OP. why would you leave that shit out in the first place?

I would be certain this thread is a bullshit concoction in order to get the ban hammer waved around, if I didn't recognise the OP from lurking this place and get the feeling it would be out of character for him to do this judging by what I've seen of him in previous posts.

Deffo get the feeling were still in the dark about a lot of this situation tho.

Oh and my 2p; go to the cops and don't fuck him up. If you do and your justice system is anything like the UK, you would go to jail, he would get off scot free with the rape, and be able to claim monetary criminal injuries compensation as well. Don't be a hero.
 
I feel like this is just a bullshit ban-bait thread, what with details that are ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL to the story such as the chick being married, the aggressor actually breaking into their house to attack her etc. being thrown in as "by the way" incidentals every 50 posts or so by the OP. why would you leave that shit out in the first place?

I would be certain this thread is a bullshit concoction in order to get the ban hammer waved around, if I didn't recognise the OP from lurking this place and get the feeling it would be out of character for him to do this judging by what I've seen of him in previous posts.

To be fair, even if the OP hadn't posted anymore info, some of these posters had the bans coming. I mean someone talking about cock-blocking when we're talking about rape is never acceptable. I mean I have a morbid and rather extreme sense of humor and even I wouldn't go that far.
 
OP needs to just tell the cops and the husband and then wash his hands of the situation. You can't continue to just be her confidant and shoulder to cry on. You are in no position to really help her that way and the situation will only get worse. Even if it ruins your friendship with her and she hates you for breaking her "trust", so be it. She needs to have higher priorities now, like her marriage, her kids, and even her career (does she teach elementary school? High school? somebody with her issues probably shouldn't be around children right now)
 
To be fair, even if the OP hadn't posted anymore info, some of these posters had the bans coming. I mean someone talking about cock-blocking when we're talking about rape is never acceptable. I mean I have a morbid and rather extreme sense of humor and even I wouldn't go that far.

The one person was a dick and deserved to be banned, but this thread is a bait thread plain and simple. Not only that, but there's other issues at play here.

First off, it's a bait thread because the OP puts out a story about something happening to his friend with no details about the circumstances, or anything else. No one here supports rape or wants harm done to someone else - we're all people here. And I don't think any of the people who were questioning the thin nature of the OP's story were "victim blaming" - it's the fact that something doesn't add up in all of it because the guy keeps adding details as he goes along. First it's, my friend is raped. Then it's "well the guy broke into her house." Then a few posts later it's "he didn't really break in she said it was a joke."

People question the credibility of the story and what this guy is saying, then there's a quick trigger from someone jumping to conclusions that people are victim blaming. Why is that being assumed here? I haven't seen a single person show their support for rape, say that this shouldn't be taken seriously, they're simply wondering if there's holes in this story this OP is presenting.

And the responses are understandable with what he's saying and why he's on a fucking message board telling this to random people, and telling shit about how she's meeting up with this guy again on her own accord apparently, and OP doing nothing himself reporting this to the authorities like anyone with common fucking sense would, or even AT LEAST telling her husband. This is your supposed friend supposedly being raped and you're doing nothing about this?

The second issue is, posting something like this on a website could create liability for anyone here reading it or the site owner. What if this all is true and what the OP said on the board comes into legal play as some sort of evidence or testimony in the future as this gets reported and the alleged victim points out on the stand that she told OP, and the OP points to these posts as evidence she did actually tell him and could get involved with verifying his account, IP, and anything else. Then that gets THIS site involved.

This is a police matter, and OP should be ashamed, banned himself, and this thread locked if this is as serious a matter as he claims.
 
I feel like this is just a bullshit ban-bait thread, what with details that are ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL to the story such as the chick being married, the aggressor actually breaking into their house to attack her etc. being thrown in as "by the way" incidentals every 50 posts or so by the OP. why would you leave that shit out in the first place?

I would be certain this thread is a bullshit concoction in order to get the ban hammer waved around, if I didn't recognise the OP from lurking this place and get the feeling it would be out of character for him to do this judging by what I've seen of him in previous posts.

Deffo get the feeling were still in the dark about a lot of this situation tho.

Oh and my 2p; go to the cops and don't fuck him up. If you do and your justice system is anything like the UK, you would go to jail, he would get off scot free with the rape, and be able to claim monetary criminal injuries compensation as well. Don't be a hero.

The Op is a better poster than what the mess of an original post showed. You are correct about fact coming out over the course of 5+ pages though. I think he should get a pass based on his other history. This is a tough subject to broach and I think he got caught up in it.

How the mods react is out of our control. Bitching about it won't change anything.
 
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