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[Ray Wonder]

Aw, shit. I have one hat makes my soul hurt to this day.

I was in college, in my dorm. There were a few people over. Two dudes and two girls. We were talking like 18-19 year olds do, being stupid. One girl gets up and is heading out of the dorm when one dude says "Why don't you sit on Ray's lap?" Instantly, with my brain on low power consumption mode, I blurted out, "That would hurt". She slightly gasped, and walked out quick. I felt horrible. She started avoiding me, which is tough because she had the dorm across from me.

I ended up talking to her one on one and apologized.

 

[themagicalkitsune]

Little did he know that she was just about to go on her lunch break.

 

[Symphonia]

I once called a client 'mate' which, as you can guess, didn't go down too well. He forgave me though.

 

[mercenar1e]

If you think that's bad I have one worse. At my current job someone came down depressed and worried about her husband and she told me her situation and asked to keep it between us... I replied "you don't need to worry because honestly I don't give a shit" lmao I didn't mean to say it but it just came out like that. Her face was priceless.

 

[Antiwhippy]

http://cdn2.streamable.com/video/webm/l8be.webm

 

[……forgetit]

I had a UPS worker delivering a package to my home. I'm used to opening the door to a male worker, so I opened it and said, "Hello, sir." She was a woman. I apologized and panicked and tried to change the subject.

"I'm sorry you have to make deliveries in the rain."

It wasn't raining. She was sweating.

This sounds like the opening of a romantic comedy.

 

[Bananajama]

Would this qualify as a slip of the tongue or just a giant screw up

Working part time at a shop trying to get a few extra pennies together.

When this lass walks in looking for my co-worker.
Said he's on a cig break be back later.

Asked me to say I'd dropped by.

So I told him his Mum dropped by and to give her a call.

Turned out it was his girlfriend...

 

[akachan ningen]

When I was in 5th grade I accidentally told a girl that I wanted to see her nipples.

 

[54-46!]

I'm in line in a grocery store and the cashier says "Here you are" to the person in front of me, except the person in front just walks away without saying anything so when the cashier greets me with "Hi", I say "Thank you".

Of course the cashier was a pretty girl just to make things even better.

 

[SatansReverence]

Worst I've had was when someone asked me who painted my car.

My answer was "My Sister and boyfriend".

whoopsy daisy.

 

[Mupod]

Didn't happen to me, but a fellow IT professional sent out an email to quite a few employees and intended to finish the email with 'Regards'. However, the G key is right next to the T key...

 

[TheSpoiler]

I had a UPS worker delivering a package to my home. I'm used to opening the door to a male worker, so I opened it and said, "Hello, sir." She was a woman. I apologized and panicked and tried to change the subject.

"I'm sorry you have to make deliveries in the rain."

It wasn't raining. She was sweating.

Holy fuck this.

Except I was working in retail, and I thought the person was legitimately a dude and said "sir", which resulted in her pouting and me erupting into this long winded excuse about how I was tired and it was one of those days. It didn't work. I got written up!

The worst time is far more original. I was at an office where sports were a big thing, particularly football. I was talking to two people at once and one of them offered to stack some pizza on my plate. I said "sure", but during that same fucking moment, some dude asked if I was rooting for the Bears. So not only did I not get my pizza, I had to pretend for months that I gave a shit about sports because I wasn't quick enough defusing the situation.

 

[lukepgl]

I had a mild one happen about half an hour ago. I ordered a cappucino to "take away" from a tiny coffee van parked outside of work.

The guy made some comment about me not wanting to have it in today and I cringed a bit.

 

[Kritz]

Didn't happen to me, but a fellow IT professional sent out an email to quite a few employees and intended to finish the email with 'Regards'. However, the G key is right next to the T key...

I used to do IT in schools and did that exact mistake when sending an email out to the heads of staff. Something like,

"The printer's back online. Retards,
Nick"

now I end emails with "Thanks" instead

 

[E92 M3]

My tongue slipped and I accidentally licked her pooper.

 

[backflip10019]

A couple of years ago, my mom and I were talking about remakes of old TV shows and I said something like, "I heard they're remaking Debbie Does Dallas," when I meant to say just the TV show Dallas. We had a good chuckle over that.

 

[Squalor]

That's why whenever I go out, I leave a little food leftover even if I'm still kind of hungry because my servers always fall in love with me.

 

[Jo Shishido's Cheeks]

I had a pretty flirty cashier who was telling about how after work she was going to the hairdressers.
Looking me in the eye she said, "it's a great place for blow jobs."
The look of horror on her face as she tried stuttering that she meant 'blow drys' was amazing.

 

[totipotent.cell]

While talking to a few friends about NFL playoff chase towards the end of the season, instead of wild card hunt, wild hard cunt came out. Then obvious jokes about how I shouldn't be talking about my wife like that ensued. Luckily, it was all guys.

 

[FalconLunch]

Was on a first date one time and we were walking around a mall saying dumb things. I looked at a Gap sign and for some stupid reason decided to pronounce it funnily with, "Hey, you wanna stop at the Jap!" Immediately realized my error, but it was too late. Date was staring at me appalled.

 

[Entropia]

Since I'm Canadian, I actually do say Sorry a lot.

Like when someone thanks me, I sometimes say to them "Sorry".

I remember in grade 10 English class, I forget what I did exactly so I said, "I'm sorry". The teacher replied "You don't have to apologize.", "Ok sorry".

 

[JoJoShabadoo]

Well not quite tongue, but one time in bed with my girlfriend falling asleep I farted a pretty loud one while she was reading on her Kindle and I muttered "sorry I was asleep"

 

[Vagabundo]

I said Durex instead of Dulux to some painters once; we all had a good laugh at my expense.

 

[Indicate]

When I was young, I shared my bedroom with my parents and my brother. After saying goodnight to everyone before going to sleep one night, I accidentally said goodnight to a girl I liked in school.

 

[Steamlord]

I was sitting at a table with my family a couple of years ago on holiday. I meant to say, "I love coke (I don't remember why, to be honest. Might have been drinking it)." I said, "I love cock," instead

I literally walk away from the table for a few minutes after I realised what I said; the teasing was too much for me. It still gets brought up today, five years later

That reminds me of a high school teacher I had who once said he enjoyed "drinking a nice cock." It was a beautiful moment.

 

[Andiie]

Nothing amazing but I remember my Mum asking the male corner store owner if he had a Willy, meaning the ice cream not the tamer version of penis. My brother and I thought it was the funniest thing which embarrassed my Mum because she knew the joke. The guy was straight-faced the whole time. I think I was around 10-11.

The other was when I was a bit younger than that, maybe 7 and as kids do, my sister was retelling her exciting day to our neighbor.
All I remember was "...and I got a Lucky Dick" (Lucky Dip - stick your hand in a box and pull out a prize.) My neighbor's response was "Oh, that is very lucky."

The only one I remember recently was anticipating someone saying sorry but instead saying a greeting and me replying with "It's fine."

 

[Gray Matter]

Middle school graduation, my math a teacher (female) said I looked handsome, I said "thanks, you too".

She looked at me and bursted out laughing.

 

[Kwixotik]

I let a shady dude use my phone a couple days ago and when he gave it back I said "thanks".

This girl in class one time was giving a presentation and repeatedly said labial tear when she meant labral tear. It didn't help that she was talking about a 50 year old man's injury.

 

[Pillville]

My garage door opener was broken, so I had to call this company:

I said "Hello, is this the over-dead whore company?"

damn random dyslexia...

 

[Catdaddy]

Was talking amongst my co-workers about this the other day.
One said she had a boss, that said “love you too” after a phone conversation, he called back and apologized profusely.
The worst one was about a married couple here at work, it was overheard another co-worker congratulating the guy on his wife’s pregnancy…she wasn’t pregnant just a bit rotund.

 

[Bastard Child]

Waiter: Enjoy your dinner.

Me: Thanks, you too!

Girlfriend: lol

 

[N.Domixis]

Never had a slip up like that but phil spencer said sex than quickly corrected to success in an interview once lol.

 

[Emperor_EL]

I was so used to replying with "No" when the Cashiers at 7/11 ask me if I wanted a bag that when a Cashier switched it up & said "Have a nice day" I still replied with "No".

 

[Symphonia]

Couple years back, we were at a restaurant having a meal to celebrate our daughters fourth birthday. Our waitress was hella cute. She took our drink order no problem, but then she came back for our food order. Being the man of the table, I relayed the order to her. But, for some reason, I completely forgot my daughters name, and insisted that 'the girl' will have what she wanted. My daughters mother and the waitress just looked at me, I could feel myself going red. Why I said 'the girl' I will never know.

 

[Fuchsdh]

I will occasionally call my wife by my brother's name and my brother by my wife's name when I'm frustrated. Needless to say my brother finds it hilarious, my wife less than amusing.

My dad regularly mixed up the names of my brother and me under similar circumstances, so I'll just say that I learned it from him.

 

[valkillmore]

I still think about this even though it happened years ago, but I'm at dinner at a friend's place and his brother's wife is sitting across from me. We're talking movie titles and one of them says 'Pretty In Pink,' and talks about disliking it for whatever reason. I make an off-the-cuff one liner 'Well it's better than 'Ugly In Orange,'

His wife is wearing an orange sweater.

Silence.

Out-of-body embarrassment.

I apologized sincerely, as in no way was I trying to remark on her appearance at all. The words came out without me even thinking about it. She accepted my apology. I still to this day can remember the uncomfortable feels.

 

[acrid]

At breakfast with the wife. Meant to say "please pass the cereal." What came out was "you ruined my fucking life". Boy, was my face red!

 

[Dalek]

I will occasionally call my wife by my brother's name and my brother by my wife's name when I'm frustrated. Needless to say my brother finds it hilarious, my wife less than amusing.

My dad regularly mixed up the names of my brother and me under similar circumstances, so I'll just say that I learned it from him.

My wife does this too.

She'll refer to me as her mom's name
Refer to her mom as my name
refer to our daughter as our cats name
refer to our cat as our daughter's name

 

[acrid]

I was so used to replying with "No" when the Cashiers at 7/11 ask me if I wanted a bag that when a Cashier switched it up & said "Have a nice day" I still replied with "No".

 

[pitcairn55]

My mother-in-law loves to feed people, she's always trying to get you to eat something when you go round there. The first time I ever met her, she did exactly this. I turned down a few things she offered, but I didn't want to appear rude, so when she offered me some fruit I accepted.

"Thank you," I said. "I'd love a vagina."

My wife's head snapped round to look at me so fast it's a wonder she didn't give herself whiplash. I just say there with my mouth open, unable to believe or process what I'd just said.

My mother-in-law is a fantastic woman, and she just smiled sweetly and said something like "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that."

At which point I successfully asked for a banana.

This all happened about 27 years ago, but thinking about it still brings me out in a cold sweat.

 

[Ben Morales]

When I was younger I was at a comic book convention thing and there were a lot of pretty girls walking around. My friend asks me where I wanted to go next. I was planning on saying, "Ya know, I could really go for a breath of fresh air." Instead, what came out was, "Ya know, I could really go for a breath of fresh ass... err um Air!" He was in tears from laughing.

 

[SolVanderlyn]

How about the ol' "follow random adult that's not your parent but you think it is" in the grocery store? Did that when I was 7 or 8 and never forgot that shit. Traumatizing when I looked up and it wasn't my mom.

 

[Rest]

I don't think to say "ambulance", I say "hospital truck". I have done this many times.

That's not technically wrong. An ambulance originally referred to an army hospital that could be picked up and moved. "Ambulant" means capable of walking.

 

[GaimeGuy]

I think pretty much every male kid accidentally called a female teacher "mom" in elementary school once.

Strangely enough I don't think I ever recall it happening with male teachers, or with female students and female teachers. Only male students and female teachers.

 

[Rest]

Didn't happen to me, but a fellow IT professional sent out an email to quite a few employees and intended to finish the email with 'Regards'. However, the G key is right next to the T key...

I've seen a thread about that on another forum. Does he play bass, by any chance?

 

[IndoAssassin]

When people just say "hello" or "hi and I respond with
"not bad, how are you doing?"

Do it all the freakin time.

 

[Darksol]

I once had a discussion with a Japanese person and I kept using the word kangoku (prison) instead of kankoku (South Korea) like I intended.

The discussion pretty much went like this: "I think prison is awesome. You can get so many things for cheap, and there's a lot of fun to be had. I'd like to spend some time in prison. Have you ever been to prison?"

They were shocked at first, then laughed like hell when they realized my mistake.

 

[Rest]

Actually, this reminds me of something. I went with my brother to get a pizza, we went to a local place that had just opened. We order the pizza, and the girl asks for a name to go on the ticket. "Can I have a name?" There's no one else there, so I decide to make a joke, and respond with "aw, your parents didn't give you one?" She was not amused, so my brother and I both said some stuff to make sure she understood it was a joke. I don't know if she was tired after a long day or what, but she just got more and more irritated.

Anyway, we're waiting for the pizza, and it's taking a while, longer than most pizzas take. Some other people come in, and there's a basketball game on, and we start talking with these other people about it. The girl, for some reason, doesn't like that either.

Anyway, the game was boring, so my brother pulls out his 3DS and starts playing the streetpass games. He's playing Mii Force, and it's taking him a long time to kill a boss for some reason. We've now been sitting about 30 minutes, a lot longer than most pizza places take to cook a pizza, and right as he kills the boss the girl calls our order. My brother, excited that he'd beaten the boss that was taking so long exclaims "Finally! That took forever!"

That girl was staring fucking daggers at us. Needless to say, we haven't been back.

 

[PeakPointMatrix]

My mother-in-law loves to feed people, she's always trying to get you to eat something when you go round there. The first time I ever met her, she did exactly this. I turned down a few things she offered, but I didn't want to appear rude, so when she offered me some fruit I accepted.

"Thank you," I said. "I'd love a vagina."

My wife's head snapped round to look at me so fast it's a wonder she didn't give herself whiplash. I just say there with my mouth open, unable to believe or process what I'd just said.

My mother-in-law is a fantastic woman, and she just smiled sweetly and said something like "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that."

At which point I successfully asked for a banana.

This all happened about 27 years ago, but thinking about it still brings me out in a cold sweat.

 

[vikki]

When I was around 11, I was telling my 400 pound downstairs neighbor all about microscopic orgasms.