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Has Anyone Ever Successfully Dialed Back A Relationship...

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H

HiResDes

Member
I'm currently in a rather mystifying situation where I've realized that I no longer want to live with my current girlfriend and would rather live on my own. I still have feelings for, sometimes I feel like I've over her, but I think I've finally come to terms that I do love her but I can't be around her on a daily basis. Our lease is up at the end of February, and I've told her I'm not renewing it, but she doesn't know I want to live on my own yet. Further complicating things is that that we have a child together and we've just learned that she probably has autism.


I've been wondering if anyone has managed to change their commitment in a relationship from being serious to casual. It seems like relationships are always supposed to be evolving further in terms of commitment and I'm trying to figure out the best way to put it to her without completely insulting her.
 
Nose Master

Nose Master

Member
...you have a child with her. The only dialing back, in your situation, would be to zero. The fuck would you do with the kid, dude? Have her bring it with for Netflix once a week?

If you didn't have a god damn kid, maybe? Usually not, even in normal circumstances.
 
H

Hoo-doo

Banned
HiResDes said:
No no no. I just want to have a girlfriend, but live on my own. Watch the kid 3 or 4 days out of the week.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you're not all that interested in a girlfriend then. You can't just take steps back and expect it to work.

You have a kid and you're living together. That's a serious commitment you two made to each other and your child. Just dialling it back again is not going to work.
 
diablos991

diablos991

Can’t stump the diablos
Ouch. Generally if you don't feel like being around somebody that isn't going to change. No reason to continue dating them unless you just want the benefits.

The kid though. That complicates everything. Your best option is obviously to communicate. Speak with her (alone or with a counselor's help) to get to the root of the relationship issues. You owe it to your kid to at least make an attempt, with professional help, to resolve your issues.
 
J

jon bones

hot hot hanuman-on-man action
never

sometimes relationships end, and you have a fading 'hook up' period but that usually gets dialed back to 0
 
S

soqquatto

Member
by the end of february you're moving on your own and you haven't told yet to the mother of your son that you want to be alone.

I'm not sure this is going to end well.
 
F

FriendlyGoat

Member
HiResDes said:
No no no. I just want to have a girlfriend, but live on my own. Watch the kid 3 or 4 days out of the week.
Click to expand...
So you, like, wanna keep her tied down and raising an autistic kid (jointly or no) without any of the benefits or stability of a live-in partner?

Break up with her for everybody's sake Jesus Christ.
 
D

dity

Member
Just construct a bloody "man cave" and have some alone time. Your current gripe isn't worth putting a child with potential autism through a divorce-like situation. Like, that's scummy dude.
 
E

electricshake

Member
HiResDes said:
No no no. I just want to have a girlfriend, but live on my own. Watch the kid 3 or 4 days out of the week.
Click to expand...


You say you want a girlfriend, not her as your girlfriend. Doesn't sound like just moving out is going to solve your issues. Have you tried talking to her about what your issues with her are?
 
F

family_guy

Member
HiResDes said:
No no no. I just want to have a girlfriend, but live on my own. Watch the kid 3 or 4 days out of the week.
Click to expand...

What you're saying sounds like someone who would be in the stages of considering a divorce or separation. I think the only way you can dial it back is to break up with her, move out, stay away for a long time, and then see if she'll take you back at some point if that's what you want.
 
A

Arthr2ShdsJcksn

Banned
So you want to leave your girlfriend and your disabled daughter near Christmas, yet still have the opportunity to see her, on occasion, most likely for sex?

Are you trying to win scumbag of the year OP?
 
P

Pai Pai Master

Banned
Dialed back from like, we started hanging out a lot and I wanted a little space yeah.

Living together, have a kid? Attempting to dial that back is basically saying you don't want those things and that you don't want the relationship, even if you're not ready to outright say it.
 
A

Akuun

Looking for meaning in GAF
It sounds like you want to break up with her. I don't think your suggestion of effectively joint custody of the kid while living apart will work at all.

I think you should either break up or live wit her while finding a way to reconcile whatever's making you not want to live with her, because I don't think there's a middle ground in this case.
 
S

Suite Pee

Willing to learn
You've fallen out of romantic love with her, so your relationship is on life support.

With a kid involved, especially one with special needs, I don't know what to tell you.
 
N

NoblesseOblige

Banned
All my former serious relationships were dealt with amicably and dialed back to a 'casual' friendly status. A couple into a more friends-with-benefits thing. This usually continues for a couple years until one party finds someone else they want to commit to, and things just sort of naturally dissolve with no hard feelings. However I don't have a kid, so I don't know how that would change things.
 
V

Valtýr

Member
Honestly you sound super immature and not ready for any of this shit.

Having time to yourself is something you gotta figure out when you move in with someone. The fact that you are focused on not living with her instead of trying to figure out how to make living together work leads me to believe you don't actually want to be with her. You just want to have the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities of a relationship.
 
H

HiResDes

Member
Arthr2ShdsJcksn said:
So you want to leave your girlfriend and your disabled daughter near Christmas, yet still have the opportunity to see her, on occasion, most likely for sex?

Are you trying to win scumbag of the year OP?
Click to expand...

Not near Christmas, I don't care about the sex, we don't have it much anyway. I basically just want my own space. I'd watch the baby as much as her or more if possible.
 
G

georly

Member
Either break up or find a way to spend more time apart and work other things out. What is it that makes her not a great roommate? Does she not contribute around the house with chores and stuff?
Get a new place with a mancave or an office you can claim to yourself for personal time, if you have to stay together?

Maybe you're just in a slump and it will pass. Either way, getting what you want (living apart, but still being in a relationship with a kid) isn't really feasible, realistic, or fair (to her or the kid).
 
S

Sagely

Member
It's probably not a good idea to live apart if you have a child together. I understand where you're coming from in terms of needing more time to yourself; I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to share my space with anyone else. I live with my partner and he travels fairly often for work, which gives both of us some much needed alone time.

It's probably a better solution to find compromises like this. Can you each take a room in your house to make your own personal space? Somewhere to retreat to when you need alone time? Some of us definitely need that, and if it weren't for the child I would have suggested living apart as you wouldn't have any complications upon breaking up.

For what it's worth, I think moving apart would in most cases cause an eventual breakup or result in you missing each other and moving back in together.
 
S

shamanick

Member
Hey OP I feel your pain. I just bought a house with my fiancee that I no longer want to be with. At least you have a lease up.
 
H

Hoo-doo

Banned
No but seriously, I can totally get that you need some alone time. I have the exact same, on occasion, I just need some time to myself to fully decompress. I'd get antsy if I had to be like 6 feet away from someone non-stop 24/7.

That's why I already discussed this character trait with my girlfriend from day one. That it's not about how I don't love her near me, but that it's just how my brain works. I need some alone time on occasion. She gets it.

That's a conversation you should have had before you moved in, and before you even thought about having kids.
 
A

aerts1js

Member
Raising a kid isn't a part time gig OP. Also, that's super shitty of you giving your g/f and a child with disability a month and a half notice that you won't be there for them soon.
 
V

VendettaRed07

Member
Just end the relationship now honestly. It doesn't seem like you want to be in it anymore. The arrangement you want is never going to work. If you aren't happy with living with her then let her find someone who is. It doesn't really matter if you love her if you don't love her enough to be with her and around her, if you really do still have feelings for her you should let her go.

And you can find someone who better fits your relationship wants.
 
D

Dot Matrix

Member
One of my exes successfully managed to dial our relationship back to how it was before we met. That is to say, she was sleeping with strangers and I was sitting at home crying and masturbating in equal measure.
 
S

soqquatto

Member
HiResDes said:
Not near Christmas, I don't care about the sex, we don't have it much anyway. I basically just want my own space. I'd watch the baby as much as her or more if possible.
Click to expand...

if it has to happen, better be now rather than two days before the lease's up. there are plenty of Xmases in a lifetime but ending up with no place to go sucks. also, the more you wait (if you're acting out) the worse will be.
 
A

AndrewPL

Member
What you want isn't going to happen, it isn't a good idea for your girlfriend or your child.

Seek relationship counseling as your issues are probably non issues and can be solved by just talking about it.

Also, you have a child with Autism it is time to step up and be the best dad you can be rather than step back and do joint custody. That isn't fair on the child.

Edit: it is a baby? No idea why you think it might have autism, it is prolly fine.
Also woman change chemically with pregnancy. They need your support now than ever, there is a crazy high number of post natal depression and looking after a kid with no sleep is hard on a mum (dad gets it easy).
If your problem is that she isn't a good flatmate is it because she's looking after the kid rather than doing dishes etc? If you have kids your house will be a mess. You need to step up and do more cleaning as the girlfriend while producing milk is doing the equivalent of a marathon a day.
 
I

internetwolf

Banned
I could never live with a girl I just rotate them out every few months, if they lived with me I'd never get any video games finished
 
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