FaintDeftone
Junior Member
I have to agree with a lot of these folks, dude. The kid really complicates things and you have to think of your child first and foremost; especially if he/she has autism.
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Has Anyone Ever Successfully Dialed Back A Relationship...
- Thread starter HiResDes
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FriendlyGoat
Member
I mean it better be soon (as in, near Christmas) if you are gonna do it, cause that'd be a whole 'nother level of assholery to go ahead and not renew the lease, secretly plan to move on, and then wait until its even closer to the move-out date before dropping it on her that she has to find independent arrangements. That'd be ICE COLD dude.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
This is starting to sound like a child support dodge.
I really do love my child. It's one of the few reasons I decided to try and move in and make things work in the first place.
ClosingADoor
Member
Even without the kid that would be a breakup.
Drop that bomb asap, so she at least has some time to find her own place.
Drop that bomb asap, so she at least has some time to find her own place.
In your case, with the added complications of having a child with this person, it seems like this would be extremely difficult to accomplish unless your girlfriend happens to feel exactly the same as you. A better idea might be to think about why you're feeling this way. Do you need more space in the relationship? More time to yourself? I imagine it's pretty likely you're feeling over-burdened with relationship and fatherhood duties. Maybe talk to your gf about having a night off once in a while, you could also do the same for her.
In general though, most people are tied to the idea of the relationship escalator. Relationships can only become more committed or more intense. They can't go in the other direction unless they're relatively low commitment to begin with, for example: dialing back a friend with benefits to just a friend or remaining friends with an ex. It's a shame, because this often means we end up ending a fulfilling relationship of some kind because we advanced it too far beyond it's natural state. We've all heard of situations where we try dating a close friend for a while, it doesn't work out and then the friendship is impossible to salvage.
There's a lot of good articles written about the relationship escalator, mostly from the point of view of polyamourous relationships, but I think it's also applicable to monogamous relationships and friendships. http://solopoly.net/2012/11/29/riding-the-relationship-escalator-or-not/
In general though, most people are tied to the idea of the relationship escalator. Relationships can only become more committed or more intense. They can't go in the other direction unless they're relatively low commitment to begin with, for example: dialing back a friend with benefits to just a friend or remaining friends with an ex. It's a shame, because this often means we end up ending a fulfilling relationship of some kind because we advanced it too far beyond it's natural state. We've all heard of situations where we try dating a close friend for a while, it doesn't work out and then the friendship is impossible to salvage.
There's a lot of good articles written about the relationship escalator, mostly from the point of view of polyamourous relationships, but I think it's also applicable to monogamous relationships and friendships. http://solopoly.net/2012/11/29/riding-the-relationship-escalator-or-not/
Absolutely this.
Do her a favor and let her go, but be there for the child and support it.
EnVy_CaLiBeR
Member
Honestly, the kid will probably kill the already slim chance that your girlfriend will take it well. You might as well break it off with her completely, work out an arrangement as far as child, and go about your business. If she doesn't want to do that, just go through the courts and get joint custody or pay your child support and get visitation rights.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
Just split with the mother then. Reads like your doing just enough to keep her in a semi relationship so she does not hit you with child support. You can't just love your baby and leave the baby's mother out there fending for herself.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Putting a baby inside her and then deciding you'll take things slowly? Are you Ross Geller?
I'm going to to talk to her Saturday when we're both off, just lay out all of my concerns first, you guys have basically just confirmed what I thought was a stupid and unrealistic idea.
You're making a lot of bold assumptions about things which are completely off base. Financially I'm supporting the kid quite a bit more, probably around 70/30 in terms of how it's split.
You're making a lot of bold assumptions about things which are completely off base. Financially I'm supporting the kid quite a bit more, probably around 70/30 in terms of how it's split.
John Kowalski
Banned
poor kid, parents going their own ways is such a hard thing to take
Jezbollah
Member
Valtýr;188566085 said:
I have to agree with the above.
Like it or not, you have responsibilities. A few questions for you:
1) How is she going to physically look after the child when she's at work if you're not there living with them?
2) Have you thought about how financially responsible you are going to be if you were to live on your own? Have you thought about her financial situation without you there?
3) Are you prepared to prioritise what is best for yourself over what is best for child and the mother of your child?
4) Do you think that if your girlfriend is diagnosed with autism that your best place for your family (and you are, a family) would be living with them to help her through what is a tough time in her life?
5) Would you be expecting to continue having an intimate relationship with your girlfriend if you moved out?
I would find the answers for these questions very interesting.
Please also understand going in that having a child changes the relationship. It is no longer just the 2 of you to consider and the relationship dynamic will never be the same post child.
Don't have any dumb expectations and it takes hard work to make it work.
Dash_Riprock
Member
Just for once, I'd like to see a thread like this that doesn't backfire on the OP.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
What? Do you have any concept of life and or relationships?
archangelmorph
Member
Are you a Quaker or something?
I'm pretty sure all of my threads have backfired in some way, and I don't mind it, is it better to die of hunger or to eat crow? I'll take the crow.
1. We have opposing schedules so I could watch her during the day. I work a very late second shift.
2. I can be financially responsible away. I only make slightly more (maybe 5k more than her) It would be hard for both of us, probably living in fairly small 1-bedroom apartments.
3. Well if I do what's best I might have to live a lie. I'm not sure if that's the end, it's kind of a lose lose morally speaking
4. Most definitely living with her would be best I realize that
5. I would hope so, but really that'd be up to her
Hella Lugosi
Member
Some people just aren't into cohabitation, I can understand that. You want your own space, your own stuff, not have to worry about other people leaving dishes in the sink or hair in the bathroom or whatever, that's fine.
Dialing back a relationship can work out, but it requires both parties to be able to have a mature conversation about it, but you've been keeping these feelings a secret for so long that it's basically a lie of omission, and she's going to be left dumbfounded wondering what she did wrong.
Dialing back a relationship can work out, but it requires both parties to be able to have a mature conversation about it, but you've been keeping these feelings a secret for so long that it's basically a lie of omission, and she's going to be left dumbfounded wondering what she did wrong.
When you had a child with this woman you removed any possibility of "dialing back"
You don't get to be a dad, of a special needs child especially, and then "casually date" the mom.
You either break up, and pay child support the rest of your life.
Or stay together, try to make it work, and rediscover what you love about each other.
If you don't think there is a chance of option 2 working, you are forced into option 1
You don't get to be a dad, of a special needs child especially, and then "casually date" the mom.
You either break up, and pay child support the rest of your life.
Or stay together, try to make it work, and rediscover what you love about each other.
If you don't think there is a chance of option 2 working, you are forced into option 1
Dear OP,
I tried this once and it hurts. It hurts like you haven idea. Trust disappears, jealousy will drive you and her mad and above all things, you'll start to hurt each other. My suggestion: move on. It's hard and I know feelings change but if you care about her and you you should stop. Sorry
Yeah.....this is pretty much real.
Violence Jack
Member
Don't hold back stuff like this from your partner. Open and honest communication from the start would've saved you a lot less heartache over this.
And there's no dialing back the relationship. Either you love her, or you don't. If you need some time and space to figure this out, then tell her. Don't leave her out of the loop on this kind of stuff.
And there's no dialing back the relationship. Either you love her, or you don't. If you need some time and space to figure this out, then tell her. Don't leave her out of the loop on this kind of stuff.
Yes? Humans need to be alone sometimes. I don't understand why you forfeit that basic need for artificial reasons. We have each an own room with an own bed. We do many things together, like chilling, watching movies, eating together, hanging around etc and there is nothing stopping us to sleep together if we want to, since we both have a double sized bed. However, she is able to study in peace and I can game to my hearts leisure. We also have vastly different rhythms, since we have different schedules most of the time, so it would be a huge hassle to have a shared bedroom anyway. Works perfectly well and we both wouldn't have it any other way. Really, neither of us can understand the clingy nature of having a shared bedroom other people put themselves in. Really, it keeps the relationship from being overexposed and keeps it fresh.
dave is ok
aztek is ok
How old is the kid?
Yaphett Kotto
Member
Fix your relationship issues that are probably minor and can be easily fixed. You're not walking out of this after you knocked her up especially a child that may have autism.
You're a dad, now. Ain't no way around it now, breh.
You're a dad, now. Ain't no way around it now, breh.
kame-sennin
Member
Edit: To offer some advice; the two of you need to find an apartment where there is separate space for each of you, like a den, and you might want to get separate beds. Just because you're together doesn't mean you have to live on top of each other. A more spacious living situation might help.
Stop, take a breath and take an inventory of everything in your life. Wanting to change your life situation will not happen instantly. You had a child with this woman, regardless of your current feelings for her. Even if you've fallen out of romantic love with her and do not feel the relationship is salvageable, you need to remember that as things continue to wither between you two, your daughter is only capable of growing. Getting to where you'd like to be in life, while still balancing your ability to be a father takes time, mindful planning and being honest with your girlfriend, calmly and quickly.
Eh, you best believe i'm creating a separate space in my home with a big desk, books and files where I can do work on my own if it's required. In fact me and my girlfriend are already joking about what kind of subtle nerdy shit she'll get for me to decorate it with.
The fact that you can't even comprehend the idea of a few weekly hours of separation is strange to me. Not everyone is wired in the same way. Some people need some alone time once in a while. It has absolutely zero bearing on the love they have for their partners or children.
I'd never sleep apart from her though. That's a line that's kind of crazy to me but to each their own.
The Jackdog
Member
if youre at a point where you cant see her every day you might want to reevaluate the entire relationship, not just dial it back
Des, not quite the same but I went through something slightly similar in 2010.
I was with a girl for around 5 years. We had two children together. It was within the first 2 years of the relationship that I realised that I never actually liked her much anymore, but she was pregnant and I decided to stay together. We then had another kid after that.
Yeah there were some great times during the 5 years but I was never really happy. In early 2010 I decided to break off with her. The children were 3 & 2 at the time. It was really difficult breaking up. There was no "other woman", I just wanted to be on my own. However I would be fully there for the children and see them at almost every opportunity that my work schedule allowed.
Now, almost 6 years later and the children are 9 & 7. The relationship with my ex is terrible. We can't stand each other. She hates me and will not stop resenting me for leaving her back in 2010. I just have total indifference to her. I still see the kids as often as I can and have always paid their maintenance. But the difficulties my ex deliberately puts in my way is frustrating.
Des, in other words...do what you need to be happy. Without a doubt, look after your child as often and best that you can. You always have to think of your own happiness and well-being. Dialling the relationship back won't work at all. "Woman scorned" and all that, she will never accept your terms. End the relationship and be the best father you can.
I was with a girl for around 5 years. We had two children together. It was within the first 2 years of the relationship that I realised that I never actually liked her much anymore, but she was pregnant and I decided to stay together. We then had another kid after that.
Yeah there were some great times during the 5 years but I was never really happy. In early 2010 I decided to break off with her. The children were 3 & 2 at the time. It was really difficult breaking up. There was no "other woman", I just wanted to be on my own. However I would be fully there for the children and see them at almost every opportunity that my work schedule allowed.
Now, almost 6 years later and the children are 9 & 7. The relationship with my ex is terrible. We can't stand each other. She hates me and will not stop resenting me for leaving her back in 2010. I just have total indifference to her. I still see the kids as often as I can and have always paid their maintenance. But the difficulties my ex deliberately puts in my way is frustrating.
Des, in other words...do what you need to be happy. Without a doubt, look after your child as often and best that you can. You always have to think of your own happiness and well-being. Dialling the relationship back won't work at all. "Woman scorned" and all that, she will never accept your terms. End the relationship and be the best father you can.
ElectricBlanketFire
Member
You made it sound like couples should have separate bedrooms.
Bigger apartment costs more. Children are not cheap to raise?
Big ups man, thanks for sharing, definitely needed some "real talk"
Nah, I misread the original post. I'm completely in favor of a shared bedroom and would never have it any other way.
But a room in your home where you can retreat for an hour or two to get some work done on your own? I'd love it.
Well, beggars can't be choosers.
edit: Actually it doesn't even cost more since you can perfectly use the "living" room instead.
That is ideal, yes.
FallingEdge
Member
you can't live together and then move out and expect things to be fine, doesn't work that way
kame-sennin
Member
This. It's rare that I ever use this phrase but, be a man! You're a father now. You have a family. Unless you have irreconcilable differences, you need to suck it up and work things out with this woman.
Can you please explain what problems you have with this woman?
diablos991
Can’t stump the diablos
Well, beggars can't be choosers.
That is ideal, yes.
I agree with the separate spaces in the house idea. No way I could do a 1 bedroom or studio my wife and kid without losing my sanity.
But having separate bedrooms? WTF? Nothing beats cuddling up with your significant other every night. Having separate rooms makes you roommates!
I would hesitate to call it 'ideal' in any way, shape or form, but if that's how your relationship works, it works.
I'd miss the intimacy too much, myself.
ChosenPredator
Banned
lol that is hilarious
DeaconKnowledge
Member
Just leave. Can't steal second with your foot on first.
MegaMelon
Member
You don't need to give up your personal space to commit to your relationship. If you truly love your girlfriend, you should sit down and try to come to an agreement. Maybe you can sort out some sort of routine where you have your own space but you also spend time with her/your child. Maybe take a few days off on your own to see how you'd really feel without your girlfriend/child. Sometimes you just need to be alone to refresh yourself.
Fake Edit: Just saw your post. I'm glad your talking with her about this. Make sure your extra careful to not have your girlfriend misunderstand where you're coming from (i.e she thinks you want nothing to do with her/your child). Best of luck
Fake Edit: Just saw your post. I'm glad your talking with her about this. Make sure your extra careful to not have your girlfriend misunderstand where you're coming from (i.e she thinks you want nothing to do with her/your child). Best of luck
A couple of things off the top of my head:
1. She's really messy, like I thought I was the messy one, but living together has shed new light on just how messy someone can be
2. We have different interests and tastes. We can't watch tv or listen to music together, she hates seafood I love seafood. She's an evangelical Christian and I'm an atheist.
3. When we do have time to ourselves she always to stay at home and doesn't like when I drink at all anymore it seems
4. She's constantly on top of me even when the baby is sleep or our parent's house, and I haven't had time to write or read much at all, which was once a former passion.
5. She keeps bringing up marriage and general annoyance that I don't want to marry her. It started out as a joke, but now I see that she's completely serious. I'm just worried that we're not on the wavelength or place in the relationship anymore.
1. She's really messy, like I thought I was the messy one, but living together has shed new light on just how messy someone can be
2. We have different interests and tastes. We can't watch tv or listen to music together, she hates seafood I love seafood. She's an evangelical Christian and I'm an atheist.
3. When we do have time to ourselves she always to stay at home and doesn't like when I drink at all anymore it seems
4. She's constantly on top of me even when the baby is sleep or our parent's house, and I haven't had time to write or read much at all, which was once a former passion.
5. She keeps bringing up marriage and general annoyance that I don't want to marry her. It started out as a joke, but now I see that she's completely serious. I'm just worried that we're not on the wavelength or place in the relationship anymore.
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