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Has Anyone Ever Successfully Dialed Back A Relationship...

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G

Goodlife

Member
The fact you mentioned you have a kid together almost as an afterthought makes me think you're a bit of a twat, I must be honest, OP.

Sadly for you, the moment you had that kid life got real and it's time to face that fact... The whole staying in a relationship, but living apart thing isn't going to work when a kids involved.

Either try and make it work, or make a break (doing it like a grown up, not like a teenager), but always fulfil your parental responsibility.
 
GHG

GHG

Gold Member
I'm really sorry to say this but you need to work out your problems with her like an adult.

It's not as black and white as just being able to walk away from her because of the fact that you have a kid with her which is further complicated by the fact that your kid has special needs. This is a point in your lives where neither of you can afford to be selfish and you need to stick together, work together and get through things together no matter how bad things may seem at times.

You need to be there for your kid first and her second, and that's how you need to see it. You were a big enough man to make a decision to bring a kid into this world and now you need to be a big enough man to see it through in the best way possible.

There is a chance that she might be finding it tough due to your child's autism and it might be that she needs you more than ever but has had difficulty in communicating what she is thinking to you. If you truly love her as you say you do, this is a time where you need to be there for her more than ever.

You sound disconnected from reality based on your OP. This is not a situation where you can simply "dial back" a relationship as you so flippantly put it.
 
E

etrain911

Member
I'm torn here.

My parents tried the whole "stay together for the kids" thing when I was younger and it was miserable. Neither was happy and I witnessed a lot of abuse and fighting that went away after they separated. But they separated. What you're trying to do is keep your gf so you can smash with your kid as an after-thought and that's not cool. Be honest. Try couples counseling if that's what you need. But ultimately, you shouldn't stay with someone who makes you miserable for the sake of your child, but that doesn't mean abandoning your child either. It means establishing a different kind of relationship whereby you and your partner are at worst civil towards each other and at best friends. You're raising this kid together.
 
PSYGN

PSYGN

Member
Sure if you wanna pay child support. Sounds selfish to have a kid and just bail out or dial down, whatever that means. I've seen couples have breaks but if you just had your kid you should support him/her.
 
S

Stinkles

Clothed, sober, cooperative
Me.

I used to be in this exquisitely potent, star crossed conflagratory love affair. Our skin would burn with desire at the merest mention of the other. Our eyes would glitter with passion's tears when we embraced. I'd have killed a thousand men to be by her side. Ultimately a flame that burns so brightly can't sustain itself.




So we got married.


u6aaGCf.jpg
 
T

TheSpoiler

Member
GAF, I really like this girl, but she doesn't do the dishes and the kid is kind of a bummer. How do I drop responsibility for these two things and go back to living my old ways?
 
R

richardhawk

Member
You people saying abortion should have been an option clearly missed where he said she's an evangelical Christian. Pretty sure that was off the table for her.
 
W

Wads

Banned
Frankly, most of your problems could be worked out with communication. If you can't talk with her, I think you should go to counseling if you want to make it work.

I can relate to a lot of these problems, and you just have to realize - being a dad and partner takes a lot of work and effort. Communication is key, and it sounds like you really haven't discussed any of these problems with her. I'm not going to go into my situation that much, but it's not that different. You both need to put in the work to make it work. If she wants to get married, tell her why you are hesitant and what you want to change. Worst case - you separate (which could happen anyway). Best case - you work on the issues and keep your family together. I'd die for my daughter, and I love my wife. I'd do anything to keep us together. If you love your GF, at least make an effort. There is no "dialing back" in your situation.
 
G

GoldenEye 007

Member
I've been with my girl for almost six years now. Lived together for the last 3 years? I'm an introvert type person. Took a job out of state and now I live by myself. I needed that. At least for a little. The plan is to eventually have her transfer over, but that won't be for a year or so.

We're still going at it when we can.
 
R

Replicant

Member
Llyranor said:
It kind of sounds like you want her to be your girlfriend only at your convenience. I can't imagine a scenario where she will take it well.
Click to expand...

I've seen this happened with many guys. They just want the relationship when it's convenient to them. It's selfish. And to top it off, many of them are.....

Wads said:
Frankly, most of your problems could be worked out with communication. If you can't talk with her, I think you should go to counseling if you want to make it work.
Click to expand...

Unwilling to communicate because they know communication means accountability and they refuse to be held accountable for their actions.
 
T

TheSpoiler

Member
Replicant said:
I've seen this happened with many guys. They just want the relationship when it's convenient to them. It's selfish. And to top it off, many of them are.....



Unwilling to communicate because they know communication means accountability and they refuse to be held accountable for their actions.
Click to expand...

Nah dude fuck that.

She doesn't like seafood.
 
A

AcademicSaucer

Member
HiResDes said:
A couple of things off the top of my head:

1. She's really messy, like I thought I was the messy one, but living together has shed new light on just how messy someone can be
2. We have different interests and tastes. We can't watch tv or listen to music together, she hates seafood I love seafood. She's an evangelical Christian and I'm an atheist.
3. When we do have time to ourselves she always to stay at home and doesn't like when I drink at all anymore it seems
4. She's constantly on top of me even when the baby is sleep or our parent's house, and I haven't had time to write or read much at all, which was once a former passion.
5. She keeps bringing up marriage and general annoyance that I don't want to marry her. It started out as a joke, but now I see that she's completely serious. I'm just worried that we're not on the wavelength or place in the relationship anymore.
Click to expand...

bailout.gif
 
J

Jon Carter

Member
A girlfriend that you can't stand living with? This relationship is going nowhere. Sorry OP but you either stick with your girlfriend and mother of your child or you break it off. It's unfair to lead her on, letting her think you're eventually gonna get married when clearly it ain't gonna happen.
 
E

Exodust

Banned
Sorry to hear all that, Des. Can't say I know what I would do in this situation but as a Gaf-Hop brother I wish you the best of luck.
 
T

True Savior

Member
You want a partner. A girl who you can fuck on regularly basis. Who is there for you when you want. Who's a good company. A nice talk. Who you like to share what you enjoy. Your hobbies.. Nothing wrong with that , but that's not a relationship, much less is something a girl who is actually invested in you wants to go through.

Going from a relationship to that will be a messy situation. Next time try to find someone who correlates to your own expectations.
 
N

No Love

Banned
You have a KID WITH AUTISM

You should've fucking figured this out before you popped out a kid and now that kid needs you even more. Time to man up.
 
H

Hazmat

Member
Most women love it when you tell them that they aren't marriage material.

Just end it. Plenty of couples raise children apart, and this gives you a chance at being happy with someone else (or alone).
 
M

Milksheikhs

Member
Was she always messy or has it gotten worse since having the kid? Post-partum depression can be really difficult on moms. She probably has a looooot going on with her emotionally, mentally, and physically.
 
C

CornBurrito

Member
richardhawk said:
You people saying abortion should have been an option clearly missed where he said she's an evangelical Christian. Pretty sure that was off the table for her.
Click to expand...

Ah yes.

The Bible say gays are an abomination, they are an abomination.
The Bible says abortion is wrong. Abortion is wrong.
The Bible says premartial sex is wrong... oh wait shit? you mean I have to give up something I like? Fuck that. Ok just gonna ignore that one.
 
H

HiResDes

Member
Abortion wasn't an option...They're right, I offered to pay and to be there every moment, but I don't blame her...It's often both quite painful physically and I can't even imagine the emotional burden.
 
H

HiResDes

Member
Marty Chinn said:
What about the emotional burden of you leaving?
Click to expand...

I feel like everyone is doing their best to try and make it seem like the burden is always on the mom, but to be honest with you I take care of child more than she does. I'm there a bit more in terms of the time we take care of her, and I'm there financially more as well. Elyse still loves her mom more than me, but it terms of the guardianship I think even Kelly would admit that she's more dependent on me. With that being, if we do split I'm not leaving my fucking kid. Get the fuck out with that bullshit. Every fucking topic has the go the way of being some sort of misogynist witch hunt, without a fucking clue or banking on the worst suppositions. It's quite annoying.
 
0

0ptimusPayne

Member
Im not gonna play captain hindsight like a lot of posters have, but you're in a tough situation bro. The only advice that I can give is to NOT stay together, just because you have a child together..You can actually make things worse for everyone involved.If you want to genuinely work things out with your lady, be a man, sit her down, and communicate with her...If thats not the case, break off the "relationship", take care of that baby and lawyer up for child support/visitation.
 
W

we.are.the.armada

Member
Be brave as fuck and tell her that you were so desperate for an escape that you outted your situation to neogaf and will basically initiate your end game of being part time dad unless things change by feb

shit man I dunno, this is a crazy situation and many ppl in here are prolly glad they aren't twisted in this dr phil life u got
 
M

Marty Chinn

Member
HiResDes said:
I feel like everyone is doing their best to try and make it seem like the burden is always on the mom, but to be honest with you I take care of child more than she does. I'm there a bit more in terms of the time we take care of her, and I'm there financially more as well. Elyse still loves her mom more than me, but it terms of the guardianship I think even Kelly would admit that she's more dependent on me. With that being, if we do split I'm not leaving my fucking kid. Get the fuck out with that bullshit. Every fucking topic has the go the way of being some sort of misogynist witch hunt, without a fucking clue or banking on the worst suppositions. It's quite annoying.
Click to expand...

Who said anything about you leaving the kid? Forgive me for not giving you the benefit of the doubt since your past history has shown you're not very good about thinking ahead or making good decisions. You leaving is going to put an emotional burden on the mother of your child. So the crap about an abortion being an emotion burden was a huge deal but you not seeing you leaving is going to be an emotion burden too tells me you really don't understand the ramifications of your decision making. You even say right now that she's very dependent on you and you don't think how that's going to affect her emotionally when you break away from that? You said she makes less than you which will put her in a financial strain. You don't even know how custody is going to work because you lack communication skills with your significant other. So the bullshit here is you acting like you have a clue about how this is going to play out and what your part in it is all going to be when you really don't.
 
S

ScatheZombie

Member
HiResDes said:
I feel like everyone is doing their best to try and make it seem like the burden is always on the mom, but to be honest with you I take care of child more than she does. I'm there a bit more in terms of the time we take care of her, and I'm there financially more as well. Elyse still loves her mom more than me, but it terms of the guardianship I think even Kelly would admit that she's more dependent on me. With that being, if we do split I'm not leaving my fucking kid. Get the fuck out with that bullshit. Every fucking topic has the go the way of being some sort of misogynist witch hunt, without a fucking clue or banking on the worst suppositions. It's quite annoying.
Click to expand...

The reason people think this about your thread is because you haven't really expressed much reason to think otherwise.

You mentioned the child as almost an afterthought to wanting to leave your girlfriend. When the kid is probably the number one thing you should be concerned about. The superficial and petty shit you don't like about your girlfriend comes way the fuck after your kid, man. And it is superficial and petty - and most of it could easily be attributed to becoming a parent. You complain about her being messy - because she has a kid. You complain about her not wanting to go out - because she has a kid. You complain about her not liking when you drink - because you have a fucking kid. You don't have time for yourself - because you have a fucking kid. Almost every one of your complaints is actually about becoming a parent. And the fact that you don't realize it, and don't seem to be able to communicate that to your partner, makes you come off as a bad parent.

Plus, you went ahead and didn't renew the lease without even talking to her about it or planning what the hell you are going to do about your child. You don't have a plan for custody or finances yet you've already taken the first step to leaving.

Everything you've said has painted you as immature and selfish. You don't want to live with the mother of your child, but you still want to fuck her. Really, man? Really?

People are going to assume the worst because when someone makes an advice-asking thread for a serious life-altering situation like this they always, always, paint themselves in the best possible light. You can't help it. It's human nature to do so. And even in the best possible light, you still come off as a selfish piece of shit. Given that, why would anyone assume you're some secret super-dad on the sly?
 
H

HiResDes

Member
I haven't tried to paint myself in the best light, just been as honest as possible, which is how I usually approach these threads. If you like at my post history you'll notice that I'm not scared to show vulnerabilities or completely idiotic lapses in judgement. You've made some good points, but you have it wrong about the lease. She has known that we're not renewing the lease for about three months now, she just doesn't know that I've considered going our separate ways. Also my child as never been an afterthought, if she were I probably would have never moved in with my GF.
 
T

Tagyhag

Member
Maybe you should just talk to her directly about all this?

It sounds like carrying this relationship on for the sake of the child will be unhealthy for all 3 of you. She can't FORCE you to stay, but she deserves to know what's going.

Also, I'm not even shocked she's an Evangelical Christian and had (unprotected?) marriage before sex.
 
N

narcosis219

Member
CornBurrito said:
Ah yes.

The Bible say gays are an abomination, they are an abomination.
The Bible says abortion is wrong. Abortion is wrong.
The Bible says premartial sex is wrong... oh wait shit? you mean I have to give up something I like? Fuck that. Ok just gonna ignore that one.
Click to expand...

^

Let's stop the list there. It would really set some people off.
 
M

Marty Chinn

Member
HiResDes said:
She has known that we're not renewing the lease for about three months now, she just doesn't know that I've considered going our separate ways.
Click to expand...

And you don't see how terrible you're handling this? Your terrible communication skills are going to spring it on her at the last second without giving her any time to prepare to find a place for herself, figure out how she's going to budget and manage things on her own, schedule things with the kid, etc. All because you're being selfish and can't talk about this like an adult? Again, why was I supposed to give you the benefit of the doubt that you have the ability to plan and make good decisions? You understand that splitting also means spending more money on taking care of the child right?
 
E

Ex:2

Member
HiResDes said:
A couple of things off the top of my head:

1. She's really messy, like I thought I was the messy one, but living together has shed new light on just how messy someone can be
2. We have different interests and tastes. We can't watch tv or listen to music together, she hates seafood I love seafood. She's an evangelical Christian and I'm an atheist.
3. When we do have time to ourselves she always to stay at home and doesn't like when I drink at all anymore it seems
4. She's constantly on top of me even when the baby is sleep or our parent's house, and I haven't had time to write or read much at all, which was once a former passion.
5. She keeps bringing up marriage and general annoyance that I don't want to marry her. It started out as a joke, but now I see that she's completely serious. I'm just worried that we're not on the wavelength or place in the relationship anymore.
Click to expand...

Man this is almost a mirror situation to mine currently. Except no kids are involved yet and I am the one that hates seafood.

I feel what you saying and are going through big time. We are still together and I have addressed with her the things that are impacting out living conditions/relationship like cleanliness, walking the dogs, alone and friends and family time among many other things...

I don't feel much progress has been made in the last year that we've lived together and I've grown kind of resentful and with every passing day become confident that I should call it off before a child is involved. The way I feel now even if child was involved I'd probably break up and deal with the raising my kids on my own or from a distance.

It's a tough decision but I'm sure you'll make the right one. Good luck breh.
 
H

HiResDes

Member
I left a big note today explaining how I felt and inviting her to come talk with me about it when I get home from work today since I only have a half day. Wish me luck or don't. I don't deserve luck, I know.
 
P

PhoenixDark

Banned
I'm glad you're talking with her but I feel like you should have spoken a lot sooner. As long as you remain in your daughter's life and provide for her financially I won't criticize you.

Good luck man.
 
N

newdayrocks

Member
HiResDes said:
I left a big note today explaining how I felt and inviting her to come talk with me about it when I get home from work today since I only have a half day. Wish me luck or don't. I don't deserve luck, I know.
Click to expand...

Don't you think that's a conversation better off had face-to-face?
 
C

CliqWriter

Member
How about you just get an apartment in the same building or even better a separate room in the same apartment. If the common space isn't an issue.
 
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