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Has Anyone Ever Successfully Dialed Back A Relationship...
- Thread starter HiResDes
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We cuddle every day alright. We just don't sleep together every day. Sometimes we do, but more often than not I'm staying 6-8 hours longer awake then her anyway. I often even wake her in the morning. There is nothing missing really. It's the best of both worlds.
You never have been on the same wavelength. And yet you had a kid with her.
AdventureRacing
Member
This thread is a good lesson on why you shouldn't rush into having kids. You can really fuck up your life and others lives by not thinking things through.
There are ways to safeguard yourself against those, you know that, right?
diablos991
Can’t stump the diablos
Only when one party messes up!
Its exceedingly rare to have an unplanned pregnancy if both parties are doing what they need to do to ensure no kids happen.
But I heard that most US gaffers use the perfectly fail-safe "pull out method".
ElectricBlanketFire
Member
And make sacrifices for those kids, yes.
I do. If you can, try to mentally block out anyone who is going at you for having a child with someone you don't plan on being with forever. What matters is realizing you do not want to be with your girlfriend long term, what that means for the three of you and how you can best provide a loving, stable, happy life for your daughter.
kame-sennin
Member
1. Tell her you need her to get her shit together.
2. Tell her you have to take turns enjoying separate hobbies. Buy a second tv. Tell her to respect your non-faith.
3. Tell her you need an outlet. Don't feel guilty that she's a homebody.
4. Tell her you need space. Refer back to number 2.
5. You're not ready for marriage. You have a lot of shit to work out if you even plan on keeping your family together.
6. Be prepared to make concessions.
Enter The 36 Chambers
Member
Some of the high horsing in this thread is disgusting for real.
Des, it honestly sounds to me like you and this girl are going through a rough patch. As cliché as that sounds. Kids bring enormous stress to your life and take serious amounts of adjusting. You have much less time for your own hobbies and interests, that's par for the course unfortunately.
My advice would be to discuss any problems your having with your girl. The child makes me thing you should stay with her and work at the relationship. All relationships take work I'm sure you already know. Dialling back sounds to me like your just trying to escape this girl the only amount you can with the child involved.
Don't throw in the towel just yet. Keep working at it. And above all else talk to this woman. Tell her what you've been saying here and more importantly why your thinking this stuff. You may find you guys will work through the rough patch and find a good groove and things will get better.
That's not to say you can't be a great dad just because you and the mom aren't together. But it does seem like your giving up on her quickly. The adjustment is tough though, keep working at it and give it some time.
Wish you and your family the best.
Des, it honestly sounds to me like you and this girl are going through a rough patch. As cliché as that sounds. Kids bring enormous stress to your life and take serious amounts of adjusting. You have much less time for your own hobbies and interests, that's par for the course unfortunately.
My advice would be to discuss any problems your having with your girl. The child makes me thing you should stay with her and work at the relationship. All relationships take work I'm sure you already know. Dialling back sounds to me like your just trying to escape this girl the only amount you can with the child involved.
Don't throw in the towel just yet. Keep working at it. And above all else talk to this woman. Tell her what you've been saying here and more importantly why your thinking this stuff. You may find you guys will work through the rough patch and find a good groove and things will get better.
That's not to say you can't be a great dad just because you and the mom aren't together. But it does seem like your giving up on her quickly. The adjustment is tough though, keep working at it and give it some time.
Wish you and your family the best.
I'm in the middle of something like this right now. Same sex relationship of nearly 5 years (living together nearly as long) and "on my own" now for about 3 months.
It's more of a "separation" we still talk and see each other (share custody of our dog) but for fairness we do consider this a break of sorts.
It was my decisions, and for really purely selfish reasons that I'm not ashamed of. It was a bit of serial monogamy as I moved from a 3ish year relationship directly into this 5 year one. I've been taken for all of my 20s. (28 now).
A lot of my reasoning came from fear. That I was literally not able to function on my own (my fear was that I would just stop going to corporate job, get fired, not be able to afford my apartment, move back into my parents house, all these things). And the big thing was, I wanted to stop feeling like I was perpetually a boy and feel like a man.
For awhile I thought a lot of it was FOMO of being a single gay man in NYC and all the tail I can get, but truthfully cruising Tinder and Grindr have not amounted to anything (mostly because I don't really want it, I think?)
This was something I struggled with defining for the last year or two of the relationship. I'm not a very emotional person, but once I was finally able to define and communicate this to him I broke down.
My biggest worry has been that like "once I'm all moved out and we're not together as we've been for so long, how am I going to feel? what if I feel NOTHING?"
sadly, I haven't felt much. I don't think about him as often as I think I should, my routine is mostly the same (sans for living healthy and exercising which I've picked up in my free time now).
Maybe it would feel different if we put the axe in it? Maybe I feel this way because I still have hope I'll be able to have the personal growth I (feel like I) need to come back a better partner?
tl;dr - idk what i feels
It's more of a "separation" we still talk and see each other (share custody of our dog) but for fairness we do consider this a break of sorts.
It was my decisions, and for really purely selfish reasons that I'm not ashamed of. It was a bit of serial monogamy as I moved from a 3ish year relationship directly into this 5 year one. I've been taken for all of my 20s. (28 now).
A lot of my reasoning came from fear. That I was literally not able to function on my own (my fear was that I would just stop going to corporate job, get fired, not be able to afford my apartment, move back into my parents house, all these things). And the big thing was, I wanted to stop feeling like I was perpetually a boy and feel like a man.
For awhile I thought a lot of it was FOMO of being a single gay man in NYC and all the tail I can get, but truthfully cruising Tinder and Grindr have not amounted to anything (mostly because I don't really want it, I think?)
This was something I struggled with defining for the last year or two of the relationship. I'm not a very emotional person, but once I was finally able to define and communicate this to him I broke down.
My biggest worry has been that like "once I'm all moved out and we're not together as we've been for so long, how am I going to feel? what if I feel NOTHING?"
sadly, I haven't felt much. I don't think about him as often as I think I should, my routine is mostly the same (sans for living healthy and exercising which I've picked up in my free time now).
Maybe it would feel different if we put the axe in it? Maybe I feel this way because I still have hope I'll be able to have the personal growth I (feel like I) need to come back a better partner?
tl;dr - idk what i feels
I see where you're coming from. If your sleep schedules are different, you can both sleep more peacefully in separate beds. I share a bed with my partner but he sometimes volunteers to sleep on the couch if one of us is ill, or if he comes home late from a night out, things like that. It's good to have the option!
Messiness is something she should work on. It's important that you share responsibility of looking after the house and the child. The place should ideally be tidier so as not to provide hazards for the child too.
Do you not share any tastes at all? Having different tastes is fine, but ideally you'd have something you could do together, and find a happy medium with the food. As the child grows it'll be important to do activities as a family.
If she has a problem with you socialising and hasn't elaborated, then she should. It's hard to say whether her problems with your drinking are founded in past behaviour, jealousy, etc. but she should relax and allow you to enjoy yourself if you're doing so responsibly.
As for the last two, you'll just have to communicate your feelings on them. All of your problems can at least be addressed by talking about them, which it seems like you're planning to do anyway. If your girlfriend takes badly to your points, or neither of you makes an effort to change in the next few months, then it probably would be better to break up and deal with that over building resentment (which the child will most likely pick up on).
Best of luck! I hope you can have a good discussion and sort things out.
ReadingRambo
Member
Children having children.
NervousXtian
Thought Emoji Movie was good. Take that as you will.
You don't "watch" your own kid. It's not babysitting when it's your kid.
That said, looks like you just need to talk to your GF about your concerns, more than likely she's feeling distance as well.. thus why she's the way she is as well.
Long term relationships are about compromise to make them work. If you really want to be in your kids life, try to fix things first.
The Elite
BOSS
When I started reading the opening post I thought this would be a cute thread about trying to do something that is rather difficult to do and the OP should really just end it.
Then I got to the kid part and now the situation just feels dirty. If you want out of the relationship that's one thing OP as long as you feel like you can support your child while paying your own rent.
"Dialing back" - yeah, that's bullshit. You have a kid with this woman who needs your support. You can end the relationship but you're never going to be able to dial things back. Offspring is involved.
Then I got to the kid part and now the situation just feels dirty. If you want out of the relationship that's one thing OP as long as you feel like you can support your child while paying your own rent.
"Dialing back" - yeah, that's bullshit. You have a kid with this woman who needs your support. You can end the relationship but you're never going to be able to dial things back. Offspring is involved.
I'd like to point out that raising a child is tiring, messy work, so try not to focus on that too much. It's her first child, right? She might be a little overwhelmed in keeping things from being "messy" when dealing with the kiddo. I hear it's fun to teach a kid how to do basic housechores before they're old enough to realize what's going on. 
Also, if you really are ready to let this relationship go, start noticing what she needs and uses day-to-day for herself, not just for your child. If things really do end and you eventually do not live with her anymore, it can make things go much more smoothly when it comes to joint custody if you do not forget that she has needs too that she may have sacrificed a lot for the baby. Little things like that can go a long way to keep things amiable and healthy between you two if this becomes a joint custody matter in the future.
I've seen relationships suffer when a child comes into play because the couple want to give their child the world but forget that they are individulas with needs too that should not be constantly pushed aside or forgotten.
Also, if you really are ready to let this relationship go, start noticing what she needs and uses day-to-day for herself, not just for your child. If things really do end and you eventually do not live with her anymore, it can make things go much more smoothly when it comes to joint custody if you do not forget that she has needs too that she may have sacrificed a lot for the baby. Little things like that can go a long way to keep things amiable and healthy between you two if this becomes a joint custody matter in the future.
I've seen relationships suffer when a child comes into play because the couple want to give their child the world but forget that they are individulas with needs too that should not be constantly pushed aside or forgotten.
richardhawk
Member
Wish you the best of luck man. People in here judging you are dickheads.
bengraven
Member
My first marriage. We had been friends since after high school, though I was madly in love with my college girlfriend. I started dating my future wife about a year after my college sweetheart died. I almost forgot about her, I was so in love with my new girl, whom I ended up marrying - other than an unsuccessful pregnancy we were happy for fucking years.
I sometimes wonder if it was my memories of my first love that made me realize my marriage was starting to fizzle out, even though we were in love. I think from my perspective I was tired of all the attention she got from other guys and from her perspective, my volunteer work started to weigh on her. Either way, I didn't want a divorce, I just wanted to scale it back. I thought maybe we could open the relationship up to date other people.
Then my aunt got sick and I made a deal with the devil to annul my marriage and forget the memory of us ever being married. Now I'm single again and she's probably going to start fucking Tony Stark.
I sometimes wonder if it was my memories of my first love that made me realize my marriage was starting to fizzle out, even though we were in love. I think from my perspective I was tired of all the attention she got from other guys and from her perspective, my volunteer work started to weigh on her. Either way, I didn't want a divorce, I just wanted to scale it back. I thought maybe we could open the relationship up to date other people.
Then my aunt got sick and I made a deal with the devil to annul my marriage and forget the memory of us ever being married. Now I'm single again and she's probably going to start fucking Tony Stark.
Des, you should end the relationship and seek joint custody of your kids. It doesn't sound like you're all that happy with your girlfriend, and it's going to intensify the longer that goes on -- and the worse it gets, the worse it is for your kids to grow up in that kind of environment. Two happy but separated parents are ultimately better than two unhappy parents together.
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
You have a disabled kid together and you want to break her off because she's sorta messy? Suck it up, you don't have some god-given right to get whatever you want at all times.
D
Deleted member 13876
Unconfirmed Member
Try and do something productive. Have you ever considered starting your own company? You seem to have the skill set for it, yet now you're just going from one crappy odd job to the next.
That was a very specific form of escalation.. ⊙_⊙
Prinz Eugn
Member
You should go to couple's counselling to see if the relationship can be salvaged.
If you can't work shit out (and you should really try for the sake of your kid), then it's over for real.
If you can't work shit out (and you should really try for the sake of your kid), then it's over for real.
PhoenixDark
Banned
You're my breh Des. I think you should simply break up with her. Pay the child support and move on.
D
Deleted member 752119
Unconfirmed Member
It sounds like you are pretty much fundamentally incompatible. I'd have zero interest in being with someone I had that many major differences with. I don't want to be with someone who's a mirror image or anything, but several of the things you list are big deal breakers for me.
As an atheist I have no interest in dating someone who's very religious. As a near person, I couldn't stand a slob. I couldn't stand being with someone who didn't share hardly any interests--especially music as going to concerts with your SO is awesome.
Some of the other things, like needing more space etc., are able to be discussed and worked out. But that's an awful lot of things that are dealbreakers for me (and many people), made a lot more complicated by having a child together.
Des wasn't with us shooting in the gym.
He was too busy shooting the club up.
Stay strong Des. I have no advice beyond it being clear that your current situation is potentially even more damaging than staying together for the kids if it continues down this path, and I think some of the more insensitive comments don't see that.
EDIT: and before you do ANYTHING, clear communication with your girl is essential. There should be absolutely zero ambiguity in feelings and circumstance.
Wow....you have a kid, this is all normal, you realize your life isn't going to be the same right?
To be fair these points sound like my relationship with my wife (except Mexican instead of seafood). I couldn't be happier.
We just spent the last four years struggling as she was back at uni and we had 2 kids in that period. I thought she had it easy mode and commented that I'd like the house to be cleaner. Looking back that was dumb, I'm glad she focused on the kids as that was way more important and our kids are amazing. The dishes and vacuum eventually was done and the mess isn't that important in the end. Dad can always do that whenever he has time.
Watching tv together is the least important thing going forward, your weekends will involve more reading books to kids, going to the park and spending time as a family. Both being focused on being parents is important now.
I think this is something you could communicate and solve together. Get relationship counselling or see a mediator. Sometimes a close mutual friend can be a great mediator.
There's nothing you guys both like? are you both so fickle in your tastes? There must be some type of media or food or activity you can both agree to? Perhaps find something brand new together? The religion thing sounds tough, but only becaue evangelical's scare the crap out of me.
Invite her out and sound sincere! Even if secretly you just want a designated driver. Being with someone who doesn't drink can be great, they can keep you grounded and give you a ride to-and-from the bar! Glass half full Res! Glass half full!
Constantly on top of you? That sounds like a good thing if you're talking about sex. The reading thing I think you can communicate with her, see my response to your first point.
I'd use marriage as the end-point to the aforementioned points you need to discuss. Bring up the topic of marriage, but then communicate your other needs about reading, not being messy, opening up to mutual media/food/activities, etc.
At the end of the day you have a young child who might be autistic. The kid needs to come first imo, and atleast while they are growing up in their childhood, a strong parental team is a must. I'm sure you can work it out with her, she can't be that irrational, I mean you had a child with her right?
Hope it helps. I'm not an expert or anything.
Yeah, this is definitely not going to work. How did you not realize this before you had a kid? Anyway, maybe it was not planned. Either way I think you deserve someone that makes you happy and her the same.
31GhostsIV
Banned
Everyone needs their own space to go and decompress. This is completely understandable and a much healthier perspective than whatever self-centered horseshit the OP has going on.
Ok, that was probably harsh. Sorry. Just get some help dude, the line was crossed when the child was born. Either talk to her about your concerns, and the passions you miss such as your writing etc. or seek counselling. Don't just bail without exhausting these avenues, for the child's sake. Then, if it doesn't work, end it. Just expecting to go your separate ways at the end of your lease with no communication with your partner and a young child involved... that's not going to work out well.
You're either gonna have to fix it or end it, OP. Once you've gotten to the point where you live together and had a kid there's really no reset button.
Hmm, what stopped you from figuring out most of these before you moved in together? She didn't do any of these things before?
Hmm, what stopped you from figuring out most of these before you moved in together? She didn't do any of these things before?
ScatheZombie
Member
This is your dick talking.
This is your brain talking.
Pick which one you want to follow.
damn man, I don't know. Do you even have a good time with this person anymore? Like are either of you having a good time in this relationship? That should be enough right there, tell her, "we're both miserable and I'm tired of it."
Tell her she is going to have to find her own place sooner rather than later though, and good luck with the kid.
Dropping a relationship for pretty much nothing reasons. Work it out and work on building the relationship.
People have arranged marriages and make it work, our society has normalized quitting when it gets hard.
The reason she may be on you when the baby is asleep is because when she is a mum all of her time is spent on a kid, she needs some downtime and affection too...you may be the only adult she talks too. If you want to ditch her to go drinking no wonder she gets upset.
People have arranged marriages and make it work, our society has normalized quitting when it gets hard.
The reason she may be on you when the baby is asleep is because when she is a mum all of her time is spent on a kid, she needs some downtime and affection too...you may be the only adult she talks too. If you want to ditch her to go drinking no wonder she gets upset.
Hell no, I suggested it once and the whole relationship completely imploded. She went super neurotic and blamed herself constantly. She was also really defensive after that and every time I suggested doing anything together I got a snarky reply along the lines of "I thought you needed space" and that always turned into an argument.
Storm Chamber
Banned
Pretty much.
Des, I'm not gonna sit here and act like I know you all that well outside of Gafhop, but this is not a good look breh.
CornBurrito
Member
Don't we all want to have our cake and eat it too.
Man Called Aerodynamics
Member
Really says it all
supernormal
Member
This is actually really easy....just not with her. Break up, come to whatever agreement you can about the child, and get a new girlfriend while you live alone.
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
It almost sounds delusional. The universe doesn't owe you every possible positive feeling you could want, but if you decide to have a kid, you sure as hell owe to the kid to do your goddamn best to raise it and be there. Leaving the house because your wife is messy and doesn't like seafood and you want to chill and drink on your own isn't doing your best. It just sounds like being scared of commitment, but its too late for that.
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