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[RichiRamjag]

If you aren't happy being with her, fine. Whatever you do, just make sure that you do right by your child. Most important person in this situation. If you're not happy, then do what you have to do if it is going to place the child in an unstable environment.

Personally, moving in, as well as having a child is a major commitment. These are both factors you should have considered beforehand, but the milk has already been spilled so....

 

[sir_kevith]

You should go to couple's counselling to see if the relationship can be salvaged.

If you can't work shit out (and you should really try for the sake of your kid), then it's over for real.

Not enough people have mentioned this. Go see a counselor especially since you have a kid together. You don't wanna make a decision based on GAF's opinion or your own it seems so do the logical and mature thing and seek real help.

 

[davepoobond]

If you didnt have a kid I would say end it.

I suggest communicating and having your own room

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

I pity your poor child. Seriously, it breaks my heart. Just. ugh.

 

[NervousXtian]

Dropping a relationship for pretty much nothing reasons. Work it out and work on building the relationship.
People have arranged marriages and make it work, our society has normalized quitting when it gets hard.

The reason she may be on you when the baby is asleep is because when she is a mum all of her time is spent on a kid, she needs some downtime and affection too...you may be the only adult she talks too. If you want to ditch her to go drinking no wonder she gets upset.

Yeah, it's pretty sad too. People always suggest do what's best for you, because splitting up is better for the kid somehow.

In abusive relationship cases that's true.. but in the OP's scenario? Nah man. You owe it to this kid to try to fix things. Nothing the OP mentioned is a deal breaker... she doesn't like seafood? Really. She's messy? She's religious? All that stuff is workable.

My wife likes shows I can't stand and vice versa. She doesn't like the music I like, nor does she share all my interests.

It looks more like Des is being selfish, he wants freedom and his own time.. but you got a kid.. I mean really if you can't find time to read.. then you aren't trying.

The most likely scenario is you have resentment about the kid being an accident and you're taking it out on your feelings for your girl. This is a you problem, and you need to look deep inside about why you feel that way.

 

[RMI]

OP. why don't just get separate rooms? That way you can have your own space.

actually not a bad idea. I have an "office" I go to at home when I need to do my own thing. Maybe just move to a bigger apartment OP.

 

[udiie]

I pity your poor child. Seriously, it breaks my heart. Just. ugh.

yep
cant end this well for the kid. you either suck it up and come up with some space agreements for which you can live with the mom or you potentially (likely) cause some serious problems for your child down the line
it sounds like you'll eventually end up fighting with the mom if you live with her though, which is really just as bad for your child

 

[ampere]

You have a child together? You're either breaking up or living together.

.

I suggest relationship counseling or individual therapy of some sort. Having a child can be tough for people, but I think if you try to "dial back" this relationship you'll basically break it.

 

[platocplx]

Get some counseling. Obviously you all have been in a very long term relationship and have a child together. Just walking away from all that is not the right way to go about things without trying or getting a third party to talk to about your issues. You seem like you are being selfish in this situation and you as a man can walk away when she cannot and I believe you owe it to her and your child to at least make an attempt at working things out with so much at stake.

 

[Verelios]

...hm, you already live together, have a child who requires care, and want to live alone.

Not seeing that happening OP. Especially seeing how this is probably out of the blue for her. Eh...worse things in life than a shared place.

 

[Angry Grimace]

It feels like OP is looking for people to validate his decision to bail rather than actual advice on how to bail. At least in part it's working. If the question had been phrased "is it okay if I bail on the mother of my kid because she's kinda boring?" nobody would respond positively even though this isn't an inaccurate statement of what he said.

 

[Nibel]

Des, you are clearly unhappy. I could say that you should stay in the relationship and try to fix things, but there seems to be fundamental differences between you and your current partner and no relationship will ever work if the only thing holding you together is your kid.

I think breaking up is the only option you have and reading between the lines this is what you seem to get as well. Since you mentioned your current partner has plans like marriage in her head, I wouldn't expect her to take this softly.

However things will develop: just be there for your kid and be supportive. And try to find the joy in life again.

 

[Deleted member 752119]

actually not a bad idea. I have an "office" I go to at home when I need to do my own thing. Maybe just move to a bigger apartment OP.

This is a great thing if possible, though not sure it will solve all the problems they seem to have.

I have a room that's my office and has a couch and a big TV and all my consoles. My fiance has a room she uses as an office, for reading etc. And then we have a media room for when we want to hang out and watch stuff together (or she wants to watch her shows).

 

[newdayrocks]

People have unplanned kids you guys know right?

That's what abortion is for.

 

[Femmeworth]

That's quite the situation. Don't have any advice but I hope the situation works out to the benefit of everyone.

 

[railGUN]

A couple of things off the top of my head:

1. She's really messy, like I thought I was the messy one, but living together has shed new light on just how messy someone can be
2. We have different interests and tastes. We can't watch tv or listen to music together, she hates seafood I love seafood. She's an evangelical Christian and I'm an atheist.
3. When we do have time to ourselves she always to stay at home and doesn't like when I drink at all anymore it seems
4. She's constantly on top of me even when the baby is sleep or our parent's house, and I haven't had time to write or read much at all, which was once a former passion.
5. She keeps bringing up marriage and general annoyance that I don't want to marry her. It started out as a joke, but now I see that she's completely serious. I'm just worried that we're not on the wavelength or place in the relationship anymore.

All of these things could and should be overcome for the sake of your young, autistic child. Time to grow up and learn to compromise. Holy shit.

 

[ScatheZombie]

Wish you the best of luck man. People in here judging you are dickheads.

When you ask for advice, you are asking to be judged. You are asking people to judge your situation, your circumstances, your decisions, etc. People can only weigh the information you give them. And when that information paints you as a selfish piece of shit, that's not on everyone else - that's on you.

Asking for advice and hearing only the shit you want to hear isn't advice - it's a circle jerk. It's just re-affirmation and validation for the bullshit you've already done and the bullshit you are planning to do. If you wanted that, you could just ask your real friends. That's what that echo chamber is for. But people on the internet don't know you and don't care about reinforcing your crap. Some of them are going to tell you things you don't want to hear.

Like bailing on your kid and girlfriend because she became a parent and you don't want to is a pretty piece of shit thing to do.

 

[creationtheory]

This is so amazingly selfish.That evangelical vs atheist thing though.... good luck with that part.

 

[Replicant]

No. She WILL leave you.

 

[EatinOlives]

That your girlfriend has formally moved in with you and that you two have a baby together doesn't all seem like it's something you can "dial back" on. You eventually reach a point in a relationship when you actually have to spell out that it's a clean break. For example, you can't "dial back" a marriage; that's called separation.

You should sit down with your girlfriend and have a serious talk about this. It's weird to me like you two are still playing the "dropping hints" game. You're "dropping hints" that you won't renew the lease of your place without explicitly telling her what you actually mean. She's "dropping hints" she wants to marry you without explicitly telling you that she's expecting it. She very obviously believes that you two are permanent couple without the formality of actually getting married, but she thinks that's eventually going to happen. Meanwhile you have mentally a foot out the door.

Close the gap between you two because you both have very different ideas of where the relationship is going. If you "move out" you're breaking up, plain and simple. The list of complaints that you have are really not something to break up over considering how serious you two already are, so considerable effort needs to be spent into working out compromises for all these things. How much have you talked to her about the things on your list?

 

[The Wall]

I pity your poor child. Seriously, it breaks my heart. Just. ugh.

I think that's unfair. I can speak from personal experience that two people staying together for a child can amount to some even sadder things later on that are actually worthy of pity. People break up. It is unfortunate, but it can be better than two people staying together that are miserable because of and the child being surrounded by that their entire life. When the major relationship that is meant to teach a child about stable, healthy adult relationships is already in the pits from the get-go, but you stay together anyway you're basically..... shielding a child from the chance of seeing their parents set an example of what emotionally healthy reltionships are.

Kids are smart. They know when something is off, even when they don't have the capacity to explain or process it so young.

 

[studyguy]

You're a good dude Des, I have faith you'll come through for the kid so I'm not stressing on that. Just get your mind straight, you don't want to be there so make those moves first and handle it as it comes. Good luck my man.

 

[Johnny Cage In The Shower]

No no no. I just want to have a girlfriend, but live on my own. Watch the kid 3 or 4 days out of the week.

Just listen to yourself though, you sound like you're in denial, anyone can "live on their own" living on your own is just living. You need to ask yourself why do you want to live on your own?

The answer to that may be many different things, but I bet it will eventually end up you realizing you are not in love with her as you thought you were, and you long for another partner. And having a child to raise with her makes all this ten folds more complicated, as it should.
So what you need to be asking yourself is What is best for your child? This is not so much about your girlfriend anymore, so second ask yourself : What is the best option for you to be happy while your child is still raised with both loving and caring parents present in her/his life.

 

[bengraven]

Try and do something productive. Have you ever considered starting your own company? You seem to have the skill set for it, yet now you're just going from one crappy odd job to the next.

I did actually start my own business! I wasn't really acting like myself at the time, because it's completely against my character to be a boss type, but it's working out all right so far. It's hard not to revert back to the snarky jokes when you're paying people's salaries and are constantly under their scrutiny. Going international now.

That was a very specific form of escalation.. ⊙_⊙

Well the last 8 months has been crazy. I'm not even sure what happened but I'm slowly picking up the pieces each month. For example, apparently I had a relationship with a little person a while ago and I've completely forgotten it and to make matters worse, I frickin' work with her now.

Oh well, as long as Aunt May is happy and healthy, I'm okay. At least I can afford her medical bills now.

 

[Hagi]

My first marriage. We had been friends since after high school, though I was madly in love with my college girlfriend. I started dating my future wife about a year after my college sweetheart died. I almost forgot about her, I was so in love with my new girl, whom I ended up marrying - other than an unsuccessful pregnancy we were happy for fucking years.

I sometimes wonder if it was my memories of my first love that made me realize my marriage was starting to fizzle out, even though we were in love. I think from my perspective I was tired of all the attention she got from other guys and from her perspective, my volunteer work started to weigh on her. Either way, I didn't want a divorce, I just wanted to scale it back. I thought maybe we could open the relationship up to date other people.

Then my aunt got sick and I made a deal with the devil to annul my marriage and forget the memory of us ever being married. Now I'm single again and she's probably going to start fucking Tony Stark.

I did actually start my own business! I wasn't really acting like myself at the time, because it's completely against my character to be a boss type, but it's working out all right so far. It's hard not to revert back to the snarky jokes when you're paying people's salaries and are constantly under their scrutiny. Going international now.



Well the last 8 months has been crazy. I'm not even sure what happened but I'm slowly picking up the pieces each month. For example, apparently I had a relationship with a little person a while ago and I've completely forgotten it and to make matters worse, I frickin' work with her now.

Oh well, as long as Aunt May is happy and healthy, I'm okay. At least I can afford her medical bills now.

haha wow this is going to go over a lot of heads but bravo

 

[The Hermit]

Yeah dude, there's no easy choice here.

One thing though: the later you decide, the harder it will get and the worse it will be to eveyone involved.

I sometimes feel like that about my GF, and I don't even live ir have a child with her. I cant even imagine being in your position

Good luck.

Oh yeah, get some conceling. I think that will be much better than opinions from random people on the net

EDIT: holy shit bengraven

 

[Llyranor]

It kind of sounds like you want her to be your girlfriend only at your convenience. I can't imagine a scenario where she will take it well.

Wanting joint custody for a kid means a split-up. Thinking otherwise is fantasy-land.

Good luck.

 

[The Wall]

I did actually start my own business! I wasn't really acting like myself at the time, because it's completely against my character to be a boss type, but it's working out all right so far. It's hard not to revert back to the snarky jokes when you're paying people's salaries and are constantly under their scrutiny. Going international now.



Well the last 8 months has been crazy. I'm not even sure what happened but I'm slowly picking up the pieces each month. For example, apparently I had a relationship with a little person a while ago and I've completely forgotten it and to make matters worse, I frickin' work with her now.

Oh well, as long as Aunt May is happy and healthy, I'm okay. At least I can afford her medical bills now.

That's... wait, a little person? I'm not sure what life has hit you with right now, but keep picking up those pieces? I think this is going over my head too. I.. don't expect an explanation.... Tony Stark?

 

[norm9]

The best advice is to cut and run when things get hard.

 

[mileS]

If your child has autism and you still want to be in a relationship with your girlfriend, but you just want to live on your own... I dunno man that sounds extremely selfish. You don't just have a "casual" relationship with a woman if you have a freakin child with her. Unless that feeling is 100% mutual you're just going to hurt her and your child.

Do you have any idea how much it would hurt to even hear that from your partner? Say if the tables were turned. You loved her, and she tells you "well you know, I love you but I just can't stand being in the same house with you 24/7, I'd like to live alone and have a casual relationship instead" Pretty sure that wouldn't feel good at all. There's no in-between here. You are either in or out. Unless you both happen to be one of those weirdo swinger couples that enjoys keybowl parties and shit like that.

Do yourself, your daughter, and your partner a favor. Think really long and hard about how you feel about her. If you can't stand the thought of spending the rest of your life with her you clearly made a mistake. Keep in mind all relationships have ups and downs. Couples will always have issues and it's normal to not see eye to eye for many things. I would hope that you at the very least brought up your issues with her first. You two need to talk about it otherwise nothing will change.If you split, It's not the end of the world though. Best to move on and figure out whats best for you, but keep in mind whats best for your child as well.

 

[Faddy]

Get engaged. A lack of a firm commitment is probably why she doesn't want to go out or let you drink since she thinks you might not be fully invested with her despite having a child and living together.

Put a ring on it and it may change your full relationship.

 

[norm9]

Get engaged. A lack of a firm commitment is probably why she doesn't want to go out or let you drink since she thinks you might not be fully invested with her despite having a child and living together.

Put a ring on it and it may change your full relationship.

Getting married isn't going to change her opinion of seafood.

 

[DarkHeartedKill]

This seems like a terrible idea than can only go downhill with no hope of anything positive coming out it.

 

[Quazar]

Getting married isn't going to change her opinion of seafood.

Yea, what's wrong with people's priorities here?

 

[VASPER]

Na man that sounds donzo to me, sucks you have a kid together. good luck but i feel your doomed.

 

[Superlosia]

Why would you have a child with her when you never wanted to live with her on a day to day basis? Commitment isn't for you, but it seems like you've sealed commitment with having the child. Sorry my friend, it's either you break up, or stay together like this.

 

[Gaz_RB]

I've tried a couple times. 0% success rate.

Same. Not possible without lots of hurt feelings.

 

[VASPER]

Reading this thread makes me want to become sterile, I am so selfish and I consistently get into relationships i jump ship because i want to be on my own. I thought i want to have kids but i don't want them growing up without both parents so i would need someone i for sure want to be with forever 100% and from everything i ave hear (few exceptions) that's crazy talk everyone changes and may not want to be with someone forever. I just don't want to have kids on accident and if i did i don't want to be stuck with child support for years.

 

[Marty Chinn]

Get engaged. A lack of a firm commitment is probably why she doesn't want to go out or let you drink since she thinks you might not be fully invested with her despite having a child and living together.

Put a ring on it and it may change your full relationship.

This is bad advice. You never get married with hopes that a marriage will change or improve things. That never results in something good.

 

[see5harp]

Her not liking ASAP Ferg is one thing but not liking sushi is ultimate deal breaker.

 

[The Wall]

Reading this thread makes me want to become sterile, I am so selfish and I consistently get into relationships i jump ship because i want to be on my own. I thought i want to have kids but i don't want them growing up without both parents so i would need someone i for sure want to be with forever 100% and from everything i ave hear (few exceptions) that's crazy talk everyone changes and may not want to be with someone forever. I just don't want to have kids on accident and if i did i don't want to be stuck with child support for years.

A lasting relationship that can support and raise children takes work and emotional intelligence. Don't do something when it doesn't feel right or you're not ready.

 

[NervousXtian]

That's... wait, a little person? I'm not sure what life has hit you with right now, but keep picking up those pieces? I think this is going over my head too. I.. don't expect an explanation.... Tony Stark?

So far over your head, it's swinging over top back and forth.

 

[PlayALLtheGames]

If you're really not happy and know you can't even live with her, let alone marry her, and I mean really know, then I guess the best thing to do is break up and figure out joint custody of the kid. Sucks for the kid but as long as you're responsible about the separation and staying in your daughter's life, life will go on.

 

[Metrotab]

Why did you want a kid with her?

 

[CornBurrito]

Why did you want a kid with her?

He didn't. He wanted a cool interactive toy he could hang with 3 or 4 times a week.

 

[NoctisVsStar]

So you love her but don't want to be with her, but you want to live apart and still have a GF ( so you can smash from time to time) you guys don't share the same interests and that gets to you.

Here's my two cents:

1) that's not going to work living apart.
2) you don't have to share the same interests in order to make a relationship work, that's just life.


Finally, Man up you have a kid now.. You're desires or wishes are no longer important or relevant once you have a child your world is your child.

 

[Seraph_Nicholas]

Yes, but not without casualties. The only way I've seen it done is to end the current relationship and build a new one to the new destination. You won't be moving straight from committed to friends - There will be a healthy dose of blood and tears first.

 

[Crimson-Death]

Based on the answers and explanations given by the OP, no amount of communication is going to bridge the gap of immaturity going on. It would be a waste of time, especially for the woman, the underlying issues are much more fundamental.

Regardless of personality and circumstances she probably thinks she is building a family life, the logical progression to any relationship. It's perfectly fine to be unhappy OP, there is nothing wrong with wanting freedom, but realize what it is that you really want, because at this late stage of the game it might be better to stop wasting her time and let her find someone that wants to build a life with her.

If you think you are going to resent her or the child for tying you down, you should not have such a relationship with anyone unless you can maturely handle it and the responsibilities you have to bear with your heart.

 

[The Real Abed]

People have unplanned kids you guys know right?

There are ways to safeguard yourself against those, you know that, right?

But I heard that most US gaffers use the perfectly fail-safe "pull out method".

That's what abortion is for.

Well, we seem to have covered all the bases here.

I say man up and stay with her. You're only hurting the child. But if you're going to break up then break up but you have to be a man. You can't have both.

 

[L1nkToThePast]

Couple's counselling.