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My cousin is cheating on his wife.
- Thread starter B!TCH
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IrishNinja
Member
wow, you seem to know an awful lot about the particulars of this situation, even his sexual habits. I don't, but apparently i'm not a decent person for seeing this situation as simply as you do.
your posts really fit what i was saying before though: you apparenlty have zero interest in this family's actual well being, just a strong desire to punish the cheating prick and damn the consequences after that. because he might have an STD, so let's run with that! no need to think about what might become of his family after your magical truth-bomb, because hey, you're a decent person. and that's all that matters.
Devolution
Member
If he can figure out he actually did it she has a right to know. Cheaters aren't good people. And plenty of them aren't going to wrap up or have their lover do so. So who is the most SOL? The partner who trusts them and doesn't get tested.
If you saw a stranger get mugged, beaten, and left to die, would you do nothing?
Obviously, the "none of your business argument" has its limits. If there's potential of harm to the victim due to inaction, the observer often finds it compelling to act. In the case of cheating, the possible spread of STDs to the one being cheated on is a reason to act. (Though, like I've said before, it's not obligation to act.). Just saying that the "what she doesn't know can't hurt her" argument fails because of the existence of STDs.
Obviously, the "none of your business argument" has its limits. If there's potential of harm to the victim due to inaction, the observer often finds it compelling to act. In the case of cheating, the possible spread of STDs to the one being cheated on is a reason to act. (Though, like I've said before, it's not obligation to act.). Just saying that the "what she doesn't know can't hurt her" argument fails because of the existence of STDs.
JennyTablina
Member
You said this guy was only staying a week right?
I'ld say best thing is to let the trip run it's course, pack him off home, THEN talk to your parents. They sound like reasonable people and hopefully know better than to jump to any conclusions and act in haste. Tell them your concerns (though do also stress you didn't catch him, but he pretty much almost admitted it anyway, you don't go visit a person all hush-hush like that - even if it's just for platonic reasons)
You only just discovered the guy, so really there isn't much of a family tie there to you or their family that really allows you to step in like you would for a closer family member really. But at least if your parents know something shady was going on, they might not be so keen to invite him back again.
As for telling the wife...tough one really, she ought to know but would she be likely to believe her husbands estranged family? I suspect she may have certain feelings about family suddenly meddling in their personal affiars like that right after they met. I think thats something your parents can help figure out, but it might just be better to keep your distance really. Odds are if this is a regular thing - he'll get caught eventually or the wife will find out or knows - if she is as religious as her husband, she may even be turning a blind eye anyway (because divorce is seen as a bad thing in some forms of Christian faith)
Though don't hold this to yourself OP, your parents really need to know. Otherwise you might have him turning up on your doorstep for "conferences" more often. It doesn't sound like he's all that pleasant a person to keep company anyway, may be putting up more a front with your parents, but feels like he can drop the act around you, likely so he can drop the ruse for a while - thus keeping it up when your parents are around. Though your refusal to go with his plan made his mask slip a little I think.
For those saying do nothing; I do agree that telling the wife is maybe a bad idea, or something that needs to be done in very careful manner (how you do this I don't know) - but the ramifications of doing nothing is that the parents never learn something odd is going on and continue to think they need to build ties with this rediscovered person, which would mean OP having to deal with the dude all over again. Having recently had a recent awkward visitor in my house, I'm pretty sure OP would at least like to avoid having to deal with the guy again if possible
I'ld say best thing is to let the trip run it's course, pack him off home, THEN talk to your parents. They sound like reasonable people and hopefully know better than to jump to any conclusions and act in haste. Tell them your concerns (though do also stress you didn't catch him, but he pretty much almost admitted it anyway, you don't go visit a person all hush-hush like that - even if it's just for platonic reasons)
You only just discovered the guy, so really there isn't much of a family tie there to you or their family that really allows you to step in like you would for a closer family member really. But at least if your parents know something shady was going on, they might not be so keen to invite him back again.
As for telling the wife...tough one really, she ought to know but would she be likely to believe her husbands estranged family? I suspect she may have certain feelings about family suddenly meddling in their personal affiars like that right after they met. I think thats something your parents can help figure out, but it might just be better to keep your distance really. Odds are if this is a regular thing - he'll get caught eventually or the wife will find out or knows - if she is as religious as her husband, she may even be turning a blind eye anyway (because divorce is seen as a bad thing in some forms of Christian faith)
Though don't hold this to yourself OP, your parents really need to know. Otherwise you might have him turning up on your doorstep for "conferences" more often. It doesn't sound like he's all that pleasant a person to keep company anyway, may be putting up more a front with your parents, but feels like he can drop the act around you, likely so he can drop the ruse for a while - thus keeping it up when your parents are around. Though your refusal to go with his plan made his mask slip a little I think.
For those saying do nothing; I do agree that telling the wife is maybe a bad idea, or something that needs to be done in very careful manner (how you do this I don't know) - but the ramifications of doing nothing is that the parents never learn something odd is going on and continue to think they need to build ties with this rediscovered person, which would mean OP having to deal with the dude all over again. Having recently had a recent awkward visitor in my house, I'm pretty sure OP would at least like to avoid having to deal with the guy again if possible
To all of those saying not to say anything, what if your spouse or partner was cheating on you? Would you want to know or would you prefer to stay in the dark about it? And what if you found out then realized that your friends had known for some time? Personally, I'd want to know.
Beardz
Member
lol what a bitch
If they definitely were I would want to know. On the other hand I wouldn't want someone to tell me that they were cheating on me based on a suspicion when they hadn't done anything. Do you have any idea how hard it is to prove you didn't do something? It would sow a seed of mistrust that would probably destroy most relationships.
IrishNinja
Member
devo: i see where you're coming from; agree to disagree then.
yeah man, that's the only option. that's precisely what the rest of us are doing, while smashing beer cans and going "BRO...THE CODE, BRO"
yeah man, that's the only option. that's precisely what the rest of us are doing, while smashing beer cans and going "BRO...THE CODE, BRO"
Can't believe all the "Don't butt in, who cares" people. Are you the ones who've been caught cheating by someone else, and you're still bitter or something?
Are you telling me, if your wife/husband/sig. other was cheating on you, and their cousin found out and told you, you would be mad AT THEM for butting in?
Are you telling me, if your wife/husband/sig. other was cheating on you, and their cousin found out and told you, you would be mad AT THEM for butting in?
Sickboy007
Member
Why is it that extramarital sex = STD? Do you have some numbers on that? What's the difference with having had previous partners in general? We're not talking about prostitutes here.
KingJ2002
Member
OP... from what i've read. your place is to do nothing.
you havent caught him cheating, you suspect him of doing so due to his weird behavior.... which could be his normal... you really don't know the guy well.
All in all... the truth will reveal itself to his family and they will deal with it accordingly. By getting in the way you can do more harm than good... splitting up that family due to suspicions.
As my armenian friend would say:
"Klirit Mi Dir!"
you havent caught him cheating, you suspect him of doing so due to his weird behavior.... which could be his normal... you really don't know the guy well.
All in all... the truth will reveal itself to his family and they will deal with it accordingly. By getting in the way you can do more harm than good... splitting up that family due to suspicions.
As my armenian friend would say:
"Klirit Mi Dir!"
A lot of people's sense of right and wrong apparently stops developing past the age of 7, seeing as how their logic and empathy operates at a kindergarten level.
Extramarital sex = untrustworthy person with zero empathy. I thinking that increases the likelyhood of STDs alone. They are already poor decision makers, its safe to assume they'd make a stupid decision about sex.
I don't really care about the wife as much as the kids. They're gonna be fucked if he gets told on, essentially.
No, a lot of people are weighing in on the total outcome of the situation. Which is children living in a broken home. If you accept that this is going to be the outcome (and it will be) you want to be damn sure the guy actually is cheating. All the OP has is suspicion.
CoffeeJanitor
Member
Yes, my father is actually a good man, so please fuck off.
can't say the same about his siblings, who were caught up in situations like this.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
STDs are pretty common (HPV comes to mind) and when you're settled in with one partner you would at X point discover whether or not your partner has gotten one from a previous partner, and if they haven't you assume everything is safe between the two of you STD-wise - which it would no longer be if he's out and having sex with another woman, who might in turn be having sex with someone else.
And so on.
So instead of a broken home they are raised by at best an absent father who doesn't care about them and at worst a father with fucked up morals theaching them right and wrong.
Great plan.
Because living in a home where dad is cheating is so much better. I've known other people my age where the dad was pretty blatantly bring his mistress around when the wife was out. I wouldn't describe his life as awesome in any way.
The dude deserves to get divorced, and the wife to get a man that will actually be a man to her and her kids. Not a bitch-ass tramp, to borrow slang.
BigGreenMat
Member
And?
Laughing Banana
Weeping Pickle
Although we can't be sure he's actually cheating, the OP could just tell the wife in very clear terms what he knows for sure and what he doesn't. After she has all the facts that the OP has, it's up to her to decide if her husband did indeed cheat, or if an "unfaithful heart" is enough to for her to want to end it. The point is that it's up to her to decide if a broken home is worth it. It's not up to someone else to decide that she has to continue being in the dark about it for the sake of the kids.
BakedPigeon
Banned
Are you sure they are not swingers?
Sickboy007
Member
What can i say, i'm glad some of you people have such a highly developed sense of right and wrong to be able to pigeonhole so precisely an entire "category" of people.
Well the guy was ranting about religious values so he'd be a hypocrite if they were. And if they are, then no harm in telling the wife.
jordan0386
Member
Men on Business Trips take Business Dips.
/shrugg
/shrugg
If the wife is told and there's no STD, then she is better for knowing who she is married to plus gets off without an STD.
If the wife is NOT told and there IS an STD, major problems due to not telling her.
Safer to tell her.
TigerKnee
Member
Now you're getting it. If I turn into a fat slob, I wouldn't blame my wife for cheating on me.
CornBurrito
Member
Question: What if the OP's cousin was sexually molesting one of the three children? Should he rat the cousin out?
Would your view change if adultery were illegal, or pedophilia legal?
IrishNinja
Member
oh wow, the projecting and moral platitudes in this thread have become amazing.
enjoy quantifying the parenting abilities of others while you're reading so much into strangers, that's gotta be a fun game right there.
law =/= ethics, but are you really comparing cheating and molestation?
VistraNorrez
Member
This is a very specific situation, no reason to deflect.
Professor Beef
Banned
Sickboy007
Member
What if the OP's cousin killed six million jews? Would you tell the wife?
CornBurrito
Member
I find pedophilia far more abhorrent, but I still find cheating to be pretty disgusting.
I'd rat the cousin out in either situation, regardless of the law.
If your argument for not telling the wife is "cheating isn't as disgusting as pedophilia" then what is your cutoff point?
Yes.
TheChewyWaffles
Member
Question: how are you that bad at making analogies?
Sickboy007
Member
Newsflash: Women cheat too
Professor Beef
Banned
CornBurrito
Member
Please explain.
They are both abhorrent acts, and in both cases I'd tell the wife.
Not even in the same ballpark. Hell, wrong sport entirely.
Nobody is projecting, if you cheat you have poor morals. That can translate to other parts of your life. It's not hard to get.
CoffeeJanitor
Member
You needed to post to make this point...
Ninja Scooter
Member
Dumbest analogy in neogaf history?
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