1) Martin O'Neill and his lawyers to stop reading Football365.
2) Sheffield United to give it a bloody rest.
3) A Premiership manager to be evicted from the stadium mid-way through a fixture for flouting the smoking ban in the dug-out.
4) Chris Hutchings' case against Wigan for wrongful dismissal to be thrown out of court after the club's lawyers present a montage of Titus Bramble. The case creates worldwide headlines as it is thought to be the only time that Bramble has been involved in a successful defence.
5) Coleen to officially enter rehab suffering shopaholicism.
6) Sir to donate his wine collection to F365.
7) Jonathan Woodgate to tearfully confess live on TV that he made the biggest mistake of his career signing for Boro. He will now sign for anyone else...including Wigan.
8) Following legislation in Parliament that only 'fit and proper' persons can take charge of a professional football club, the government to confirm that they specifically had Bryan Robson and Peter Reid in mind.
9) On the basis that it would be more entertaining than the actual match itself, Jose Mourinho and Rafa Benitez to host a joint press conference ahead of Chelski's encounter against Liverpool.
10) Don King to lead calls demanding a re-match once both men are released from intensive care.
11) Avram Grant to plonk himself in Jose Mourinho's seat just before the match with Birmingham and then refuse to budge.
12) Peter Kenyon to be locked in a very small room with Jose's hungry dog.
13) In an inadvertent re-enactment of the Cold War between Russia and the United States, Craig Bellamy and Lee Bowyer to commit to a policy of their Mutually Assured Destruction following a row about parking spaces at West Ham's training ground.
14) Stanley Victor Collymore to make that long-awaited comeback.
15) In another long-awaited comeback, it becomes fashionable for footballers to wear moustaches again. Even better, a Premier League footballer confirms his real name is Albert. With a hard 't', not as in Alberrrr Luque.
16) Gary Neville to prove he has a self-deprecating sense of humour by growing a beard...an undertaking that takes a full season.
17) Jermaine Jenas to 'do a Scot Gemmill' and personally phone Football365 to exclusively reveal: "I'm not the worst player in the world."
18) Martin Jol to look at either the camera or interviewer rather than the floor during a post-match interview, leaving us free to do something other than count his chins.
19) More than 15,000 football fans to be detected in the area of Wigan.
20) Steve Coppell to speak with a semblance of emotion.
21) A cup of coffee to be purchased inside an English football stadium for less than £2.
22) Fairy Liquid to be unveiled as Blackburn Rovers' new sponsors on the basis that it's the only way they won't be filthy every week.
23) Michael Owen to say something interesting.
24) The BBC to stop harping on about John Motson's bloody coat on the weekend of the third round of the FA Cup.
25) Steve McClaren to undergo a facelift which removes that ridiculous grin.
26) Fulham Northern Irish to move Craven Cottage lock, stock and barrel to Belfast and then begin playing in green.
27) Only prawn sandwiches to be sold at Old Trafford when Roy Keane makes his long-awaited return with Sunderland.
28) Jamie Redknapp to be replaced by Louise Redknapp in the pundit's chair.
29) Roman Abramovich to finally speak in public...with a high-pitched squeaky voice which makes David Beckham sound masculine.
30) David Beckham to return home from America after just one week because "it's sh*t, and George Bush is making me look clever".
31) Robbie Savage to finally realise that nobody gives a sh*t whether or not play he plays for Wales again.
32) An Arsenal player (any Arsenal player) to admit that "the win's more important than the performance".
33) Sven-Goran Eriksson to slide on his knees across the Eastlands turf after a crucial Citeh goal.
34) Robbie Keane to learn how to do something more impressive than a glorified roly-poly.
35) Pedro Mendes to go through a whole season without being the victim of some terrible injustice/GBH.
36) Leslie Grantham to publicly withdraw his support from West Ham on the grounds that they've gone "a bit too sleazy".
37) John Terry to take to the pitch actually wearing goalkeeper's gloves.
38) David Moyes never to send Alan Irvine to be interviewed by MOTD on the grounds that even he couldn't give a monkey's what he thinks.
39) An electric shock to be automatically administered to any pundit who says the words "he'll be disappointed with that".
40) Adrian Durham to go down to Anfield and call Jamie Carragher a bottler to his face.
41) Brian Swanson to finally come home after spending the last year stalking David Beckham.
42) West Ham to announce the signing of Ian Brady, Charles Bronson and Chris Langham. Just to add a bit of 'bite' to their midfield.
43) Leeds United to go a whole season without going bust. Yes, Ken, administration counts.
44) The seats in the press box at Middlesbrough to be ripped out and replaced with beds. If you're putting us to sleep, at least make us comfortable.
45) The same to be done for the rest of the Riverside after a petition from the fans.
46) Andriy Shevchenko to return to Milan...and score 30 goals.
47) A new feature-length special of Rio Ferdinand's wind-up show to be commissioned, aimed specifically at merking Sir.
48) The new mellow Jose to appear in the dug-out wearing Bermuda shorts, drinking malibu and toking a fat one.
49) Thaksin Shinawatra to open a permanent office for Amnesty International at Eastlands.
50) The phrase "And the Carlos Tevez saga has finally come to an end" to be said on Sky Sports News.
