Odds on championship: 2,500-1. Odds on relegation: Evens
Manager: Bryan Robson (since June 2007). Odds on first out of job: 1-9
Last season: 18th/17th after successful appeal... oh, sorry - hang on - that's Sheffield United isn't it. Apologies.
West Ham
Odds on championship: 1,250-1. Odds on relegation: 8-1
Manager: Alan Curbishley (since December). Odds on first out the job: 9-1
Last season: 15th, 41 points; UEFA Cup first round; FA Cup fourth round; Carling Cup second round
In: Carlos Tevez. Craig Bellamy (Liverpool, £7.5m); Fredrik Ljungberg (Arsenal, £3m); Richard Wright (Everton, free); Scott Parker (Newcastle, £7m); Julien Faubert (Bordeaux, £6.07m)
Out: Carlos Tevez. Yossi Benayoun (Liverpool, £5m); Paul Konchesky (Fulham, £2m); Marlon Harewood (Aston Villa, undisc); Tyrone Mears (Derby, £1m); Nigel Reo-Coker (Aston Villa, £7.5m); Shaun Newton (Leicester, free); Roy Carroll (Rangers, free); Sir Edward Sheringham (Colchester, free)
Two years ago, like almost everyone including most Hammers fans I met, I expected Alan Pardew to lose his job quickly and for the club to struggle to make any impression on the top flight.
Last year, like almost everyone including most Hammers fans I met, I expected Alan Pardew to thrive and for the club to continue to make an impression on the top flight.
Well, they made an impression.
West Ham's history this century has resembled a script from Dream Team more with each passing year. From Harry Redknapp's tearful sudden departure to Glenn Roeder's brain tumour and Trevor Brooking's caretaker heroics, Pardew's 18 months of unpopularity becoming a year of acclaim followed swiftly by the sack.
Then Alan Curbishley coming in, struggling worse than Pardew for a while yet somehow keeping them up with some huge slices of luck - the goal at Blackburn that didn't cross the line and was offside, following a dodgy penalty. And that's without mentioning the Tevez saga - which we all know features a fair slice of fiction.
How exactly will the club keep up this level of drama? At some point, probably, the Tevez saga will reach an end. If this really was a soap opera then they would sign his long-lost twin brother, but instead they have plumped for Craig Bellamy.
The Welshman, who has had his share of dramas, is one of four players who will expect to walk straight into the team. Though in Julien Faubert's case, limp would be more accurate, Bellamy, Scott Parker and Freddie Ljungberg should do so. But that is a significant number of changes to make to a first XI and teams often take a little while to settle down in such circumstances. Nor do they all have the best injury records.
Still, last year's spiralling nightmare forgotten, the team should start in decent heart, helped by the departure of some divisive figures. Perhaps Bellamy, in tandem with Lee Bowyer and maybe Kieron Dyer, will make only the right kind of headlines. The return of Dean Ashton, a new acquisition from the manager's point of view, should provide a substantial lift.
The fixture list has thrown up an opening match where much of the attention will be on the opposition: the vultures will be out for Sven-Goran Eriksson. Liverpool's Champions League commitments mean that there is no midweek away match; instead Curbishley goes back to another club he played for in the first away match, Birmingham. With Wigan at home and a trip to Reading to follow, that is a decent start to have to the season.
Yet the former Charlton boss is alarmingly high up the betting for first manager to go. Chairman Eggert Magnusson was spotted throwing a water bottle
around as his team struggled to a 1-1 draw with Orient in pre-season, while Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson, the real money behind the takeover, is no wallflower.
Looking at the squad, West Ham should return to mid-table at least. But these East Enders could teach the lot from Walford a thing or two about drama.
Opening matches: 11 Aug, Man City (h); 18 Aug, Birmingham (a); 25 Aug, Wigan (h); 1 Sept, Reading (a)
