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[JABEE]

The number of people justifying being hit when they were growing up by saying, "but I deserved it" without confronting the fact that this is the justification most abused spouses use is not surprising at all.

Do better for your children than your parents did for you? The baseline for what turning out alright in this fucked up society is influenced by the cultural acceptance of hitting children.

The first step is reconciling that your parents may have been misguided and saying they were wrong does not make your parents bad people for doing this.

Knowing the mistakes of your parents and repeating them in spite of the scientific research is questionable.

I don't understand why it's only okay to hit the most vulnerable members of society with no ability to escape their abuse. It's okay to hit a child when you want to discipline, but you would never hit a dog. This thought process needs to change.

 

[SolarMystic]

If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say "I was hit and turned out fine" I'd be a rich man.

It's like saying "I never wear seatbelts and I'm still fine" as an excuse not to wear seatbelts in a moving vehicle.

 

[Always-honest]

Hitting your kids just means you're not up to the task of parenting. Nice that you thought you were, and i can understand how you wanted to play mom and dad just like the other grownups. But you weren't ready for it.
And now we're getting another generation of shouters and beaters.

 

[Greedings]

I was never hit, but there are some times when you have to get physical with your children. I'm not saying beating them, but for instance:

I was looking after my baby brother (he's 20 years younger than me) and I had to take him to his mum's house at a certain time. He refused to get in the car. He refused to move. So I picked him up and put him in the car.
What was I supposed to do? Bargain with the child? No, he has no choice in the matter.

 

[takriel]

I was never hit, but there are some times when you have to get physical with your children. I'm not saying beating them, but for instance:

I was looking after my baby brother (he's 20 years younger than me) and I had to take him to his mum's house at a certain time. He refused to get in the car. He refused to move. So I picked him up and put him in the car.
What was I supposed to do? Bargain with the child? No, he has no choice in the matter.

Try to make him understand why it's important to get in the car?

 

[SMOK3Y]

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

Yup funnily enough most people that argue against it dont have kids.. or they think its bad because they have seen abusive parents and don't understand that not everyone that smacks their child is abusing them.

 

[OmegaTreeFish]

I dont believe violence is the answer. It just teaches them that that solves your problems.

Teaching them that if you do something wrong you lose something (toy, privilage etc) preps them for how real life works. Commit a crim you arn't going to get spanked. You will get something taken away from you (money, freedom etc).

You are also just teaching your kid to fear you. The last thing I want is my son to fear me. He needs to respect me and my position as his father but achieving that through fear is the lazy mans path. In the end it will have a good chance of either teaching them bad habbits or causing mental damage in the long term.

Then you have the issue of is it actually a real punishment anyway. Do something bad as a kid knowing your will get spanked if caught. Well if you get caught you can just take the beating and then its done. You are free again. But knowing if you get caught you will lose that thing you love to use for a week or more is prob a stronger deterant.

Either way. Dont abuse your kids. Dont abuse people. Would you beat somone up for misbehaving? But you would beat a child? Thats kind of fucked up.

Yup funnily enough most people that argue against it dont have kids.. or they think its bad because they have seen abusive parents and don't understand that not everyone that smacks their child is abusing them.

Proof please? serious WTF? Where did you learn most people who say your shouldn't beat kids dont have kids? So what, when they do, try and punish the kid and he doesnt listen first time they just go "fuck this isn't working, wheres my belt?"

I was never hit, but there are some times when you have to get physical with your children. I'm not saying beating them, but for instance:

I was looking after my baby brother (he's 20 years younger than me) and I had to take him to his mum's house at a certain time. He refused to get in the car. He refused to move. So I picked him up and put him in the car.
What was I supposed to do? Bargain with the child? No, he has no choice in the matter.

I mean.... thats not remotely the same thing. Picking a kid up and putting him in the car isn't violence. How old was he anyway?

 

[Famassu]

Yup funnily enough most people that argue against it dont have kids.. or they think its bad because they have seen abusive parents and don't understand that not everyone that smacks their child is abusing them.

Everyone who uses violence against their children are abusers. There's no ifs or buts to it. They abuse their children. Violence is violence. Just because they are helpless children who are being "taught" something doesn't make it not violence, not abuse.

EDIT: I think it's more likely that it's about shitty parents with no patience or self control who use violence against their children are trying to rationalize & make it ok in their own heads.

 

[Muffin1611]

Yup funnily enough most people that argue against it dont have kids.. or they think its bad because they have seen abusive parents and don't understand that not everyone that smacks their child is abusing them.

I could just as well argue that the people in here saying it isn't bad are doing so to excuse their own parents who did it or excuse themselves for doing it in the past.

At the end of the day studies and research show that it's bad and has no positive effects. The end.

 

[Kenzodielocke]

Physical violence is a crime. It doesn‘t become legal just because if‘s your kid. There is simply no excuse for hitting your children.

 

[SMOK3Y]

Everyone who uses violence against their children are abusers. There's no ifs or buts to it. They abuse their children. Violence is violence. Just because they are helpless children who are being "taught" something doesn't make it not violence, not abuse.

No its not. i was smacked same as OP only by my mum. I turned out fine

 

[Not]

OK, so punishing your kid physically can be avoided in all circumstances, no matter the kid, and it's altogether better for their mental health. No one responded to my post about making the kid scared of consequences without being scared of ME. Can anyone offer suggestions?

 

[Famassu]

No its not. i was smacked same as OP only by my mum. I turned out fine

It's still violence. Just because it's a parent's violence towards his/her own child in a pathetic attempt to punish them because they lack self control doesn't make it a brush of an angel's wing. It's violence. It's abuse.

 

[Muffin1611]

No its not. i was smacked same as OP only by my mum. I turned out fine

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivorship_bias

 

[OmegaTreeFish]

No its not. i was smacked same as OP only by my mum. I turned out fine

Ah the old "i turned out fine" line of logic.

Shut it down folks, case closed.

edit

Also you came out thinking its OK to abuse children and assuming those who believe otherwise dont have kids.....You sure you turned out fine?

 

[SMOK3Y]

I only know from my own experience people so I'm not arguing every point in here just sharing my opinion

 

[bwakh]

A couple of slaps and a stern talking to is fair. Makes them appreciate that sometimes you don't get off so easily.

 

[Muffin1611]

A couple of slaps and a stern talking to is fair. Makes them appreciate that sometimes you don't get off so easily.

Except "a couple of slaps" is violence and doesn't even have any proven positive effects.

 

[Famassu]

A couple of slaps and a stern talking to is fair. Makes them appreciate that sometimes you don't get off so easily.

It's not ok. It's violence. You can have the stern talking to without the slaps. The slaps are entirely unnecessary.

 

[itsc4z]

The only appropriate physical action should be a slapped butt / hands and nothing further.

It's all I got as a kid as well as my cousins and we are all fine. Most parents these days are way too soft with their kids imo, it's why they are all spoilt shits and never shut the fuck up when screaming.

 

[televator]

Yup funnily enough most people that argue against it dont have dogs.. or they think its bad because they have seen abusive owners and don't understand that not everyone that smacks their dog is abusing them.

.

 

[SolarMystic]

I only know from my own experience people so I'm not arguing every point in here just sharing my opinion

I completely understand basing an opinion on ones own experience, it's a natural part of the way humans think. However we also have the ability to take a step back and review matters objectively.

 

[JoeNut]

it's a toughie, i got spanked as a kid and don't resent my parents for that in particular, it was normal and didn't do many any permanant harm.

I'm a parent now but my kid is only 9 months old, so doesn't purposefully misbehave.

I'm not sure what my thoughts are really, i don't want to get into a position where i have to do that, but at the same time i don't really know what my solution would be, as i've not experienced anything else.

 

[Famassu]

The only appropriate physical action should be a slapped butt / hands and nothing further.

It's all I got as a kid as well as my cousins and we are all fine. Most parents these days are way too soft with their kids imo, it's why they are all spoilt shits and never shut the fuck up when screaming.

Children don't grow up spoiled because they weren't beaten up/slapped hard in their childhood.

 

[OmegaTreeFish]

The only appropriate physical action should be a slapped butt / hands and nothing further.

It's all I got as a kid as well as my cousins and we are all fine. Most parents these days are way too soft with their kids imo, it's why they are all spoilt shits and never shut the fuck up when screaming.

You shouldnt even need to slap their butt or wrist. You put them on a naughty step or equivelent (this is for younger kids) tell them what they did wrong. If they keep crying you leave them for a minute and go back and repeat till they clam down. You can simply punish further by denying them something.

Any kind of violence is just a lazy shortcut to the same result that can have terrible repercussions. If you have the kind of child that wont respond to any kind of disciplin then you prob need to seek outside help because beating them up sure as hell wont help. It will just add to what ever issues they have already.

Violence of any kind is not needed in anyway. Its not needed in adult society. Its not needed against kids.

 

[Not]

All people are doing in here are jumping on posters saying hitting their kids is alright in moderation but altogether ignoring my requests for effective alternatives in extreme scenarios.

I'm really interested in this topic. I'm super invested in learning how to parent better than the way I was raised.

 

[SMOK3Y]

I completely understand basing an opinion on ones own experience, it's a natural part of the way humans think. However we also have the ability to take a step back and review matters objectively.

I was smacked probably 5 or 6 times as a kid same as my daughter somehow people hear smack & they picture someone getting a beating.. thats not what people mean when talking about a smack

 

[Muffin1611]

All people are doing in here are jumping on posters saying hitting their kids is alright in moderation and altogether ignoring my requests for effective alternatives in extreme scenarios.

I'm really interested in this topic. I'm super invested in learning how to parent better than the way I was raised.

Please tell me one of your extreme scenarios.

 

[SolarMystic]

All people are doing in here are jumping on posters saying hitting their kids is alright in moderation but altogether ignoring my requests for effective alternatives in extreme scenarios.

I'm really interested in this topic. I'm super invested in learning how to parent better than the way I was raised.

There is a lot of info on this just a Google search away.

 

[Greedings]

Try to make him understand why it's important to get in the car?

I obviously tried. Said he's going back to see his mummy and eat dinner etc. but nothing worked. He was tired, moody and he sees me one or two weeks a year and gets very upset when I leave.

I mean.... thats not remotely the same thing. Picking a kid up and putting him in the car isn't violence. How old was he anyway?

It seemed kinda violent. He was kicking and screaming. I mean I'm not a parent, and I am unsure how to act with kids. You might not think it's the same thing at all, but I did not enjoy it, I felt bad after.

At the time he was 5 years old.

 

[SMOK3Y]

All people are doing in here are jumping on posters saying hitting their kids is alright in moderation but altogether ignoring my requests for effective alternatives in extreme scenarios.

I'm really interested in this topic. I'm super invested in learning how to parent better than the way I was raised.

Thats because they can't

 

[bwakh]

It's not ok. It's violence. You can have the stern talking to without the slaps. The slaps are entirely unnecessary.

Except "a couple of slaps" is violence and doesn't even have any proven positive effects.

They are only slaps? I'm not advocating abuse but kids are naive and stupid. They are easily influenced by everything. If an act warrants a slap or two then good, they will remember that and be deterred from doing the same thing again. It benefits them in the long run.

 

[Muffin1611]

If an act warrants a slap or two then good, they will remember that and be deterred from doing the same thing again. It benefits them in the long run.

Except this is proven to be entirely untrue.

 

[MarkMclovin]

A slap on the hand when small and sit on the naughty step, or a smack on the bum when a little bigger. Nothing more than that is what I've given my kids. Certainly not often though, maybe 3 times in 8 years?

Not only that, but they have come from persistent 'don't do that's' rather than 1 off's.

Hardly need to punish them these days and they're amazing kids, but all that happens now is no TV in the morning if they don't get ready for school.

 

[SMOK3Y]

.

My hero...

 

[SolarMystic]

I was smacked probably 5 or 6 times as a kid same as my daughter somehow people hear smack & they picture someone getting a beating.. thats not what people mean when talking about a smack

I don't think anyone is really saying that.

Thats because they can't

I'm sure many parents in this topic could. Perhaps they don't like being people's personal Google search engine?

 

[SMOK3Y]

I don't think anyone is really saying that.



I'm sure many parents in this topic could. Perhaps they don't like being people's personal Google search engine?

Im not asking anyone... I'm 45 already got a 25yr old daughter

 

[Famassu]

it's a toughie, i got spanked as a kid and don't resent my parents for that in particular, it was normal and didn't do many any permanant harm.

I'm a parent now but my kid is only 9 months old, so doesn't purposefully misbehave.

I'm not sure what my thoughts are really, i don't want to get into a position where i have to do that, but at the same time i don't really know what my solution would be, as i've not experienced anything else.

You have to be consistent with children and start early (children aren't totally dumb, they know what's up with parents who can be easily manipulated). A no means no, have a set of rules (if you fight, that means this and that) and if they behave badly, without fault, you need to sit them down and have a talk with them about how their behaviour is not ok & to make them think of the consequences of what they've done. You don't need to give a single slap or pull their hair or anything. It's often good to make them think of their own actions. WHY was it bad what they did?

Positive reinforcement also usually works better than negative one. "I'm very proud of how you behaved at the birthday/funeral/visit downtown today" when they behave well works so much better than "you fucking dipshit, go to your room and think of what you've done" when they behave badly. And instead of 1 month ban from games, make it so that if they behave well for a whole week or a month, they get a toy or a game or you take them to their favorite food place or something. Or every day they behave well, they get a sticker and when they've got 30, they get something good. Not that there should be no negative consequences for their actions, but instead of just punishing, you should encourage & put emphasis on the good behaviour.

 

[Not]

Please tell me one of your extreme scenarios.

Mind you, I'm talking when words or actions aren't working. Kid runs out in street. Kid's about to stick their hand somewhere hot or sharp.

Lesser level, regular punishments aren't curbing kid's behavior. Loss of authority. Screaming and crying and entitlement.

Do you just get used to the kid getting their way and not learning? That's why I'm asking for possible solutions. I want to be a parent without ever using violence. Is restraint violence? Are angry looks? Words? You can't just look disappointed all the time.

It's clear by today's understanding of developmental psychology that "spare the rod, spoil the child" is some bullshit, but some aspects of the way I was raised are going to involuntarily come out in my own parenting style no matter what I do. I really, really, want to have a standard. Have a line a kid can't cross. Not to say I'm not going to adjust for how every consciousness has variety and responds differently to various methods, and I'm not going to take a "one size fits all" approach to parenting-- trying to push the kid into a mold they might not fit like society is already going to do to them-- but can physical action really be avoided in literally EVERY scenario? I want to know how to do that if that's the case, from experienced parents who have implemented said techniques successfully.

 

[Bold One]

Corporal Punishment is not black and white.

Some kids respond well to it, others not so much. Therefore, I wouldn't go as far as to say it doesn't work.

The trick is not to confuse physical punishment with discipline. The shitty adults you see all around were shitty kids who were not told, NO and so they became entitled shitty adults.

 

[SolarMystic]

It's amazing the human capacity to deny logic and science when faced with a fact that goes against their opinion.

Im not asking anyone... I'm 45 already got a 25yr old daughter

I didn't say you were. Was merely speculating why nobody answered that posters question.

 

[Muffin1611]

Mind you, I'm talking when words or actions aren't working. Kid runs out in street. Kid's about to stick their hand somewhere hot or sharp.

Lesser level, regular punishments aren't curbing kid's behavior. Loss of authority. Screaming and crying and entitlement.

Do you just get used to the kid getting their way and not learning? That's why I'm asking for possible solutions. I want to be a parent without ever using violence. Is restraint violence? Are angry looks? Words? You can't just look disappointed all the time.

It's clear by today's understanding of developmental psychology that "spare the rod, spoil the child" is some bullshit. And some aspects of the way I was raised is going to involuntarily come out in my own parenting style no matter what I do. I really, really, want to have a standard. Have a line a kid can't cross. Not to say I'm not going to adjust for how every consciousness has variety and responds differently to methods, and I'm not going to take a "one size fits all" approach to parenting-- trying to push the kid into a mold they might not fit like society is already going to do to them-- but can physical action really be avoided in literally EVERY scenario? I want to know how to do that if that's the case, from experienced parents who have implemented said techniques successfully.

I don't think that anybody here is arguing that restraining your child when it's about to do something dangerous or for example your child hurting another child and you picking it up and getting it away from there is abuse.

 

[Not]

I don't think that anybody here is arguing that restraining your child when it's about to do something dangerous or for example your child hurting another child and you picking it up and getting it away from there is abuse.

Okay. Good. That's good clarification.

 

[OmegaTreeFish]

I obviously tried. Said he's going back to see his mummy and eat dinner etc. but nothing worked. He was tired, moody and he sees me one or two weeks a year and gets very upset when I leave.



It seemed kinda violent. He was kicking and screaming. I mean I'm not a parent, and I am unsure how to act with kids. You might not think it's the same thing at all, but I did not enjoy it, I felt bad after.

At the time he was 5 years old.

Its tougher if its your baby bro because its a different sort of relationship. As the younger bro you kinda have less power over what he can have.

My son is 4 and a half so a similar age. If he refuse life that my first step would be to warn him that he will lose something (what ever toy he loves playing with currently) if he doesnt calm down. Then I tend to give him a choice (that is really no choice at all). Something along the lines of "you can either come with me and get in the car and then play with your trains again when we get home, or you can keep arguing and you will lose your train for a day".

The false choice often works but if it came down to it I would pick him up and put him in the car. But I dont think I have ever had it get to that with my son. The false choice works surprisingly well.

 

[LTWheels]

I was smacked as a child. There's difference between a snack on the bum or the wrist that being hit or beaten.

Both me and my sister turned out to be good kids and now good adults.

 

[bwakh]

Except this is proven to be entirely untrue.

I haven't read this thread from the start so i'm not sure if this evidence has been posted. If you can, please show.

I'm also speaking from my own experience like many posters here. And I didn't just see myself go through it, almost every kid in my family and friends had times where they did something and got what was coming.

For example, I stole some kid's lunch money once in school. My dad caught me with it after school. Told me that it was a bad thing I did that, got a serious talk and told should go to jail for it. I knew he wouldn't send me to jail and ended up doing the same thing again. That's when I got a hard slap from him in front of some kids. Didn't dare do that again in my life.

Sometimes some hard justice is okay and deserved. Obviously doesn't apply to every kid of every age but it's not that bad of a thing I don't think.

 

[SMOK3Y]

The best thing with kids imo is always as parents agree even if you disagree as kids connot play one against the other. Never argue in front of them. As my daughter said she hated that we always agreed but loved it that we never argued so it was a happy house for her

 

[MarkMclovin]

And instead of 1 month ban from games, make it so that if they behave well for a whole week or a month, they get a toy or a game or you take them to their favorite food place or something. Or every day they behave well, they get a sticker and when they've got 30, they get something good. Not that there should be no negative consequences for their actions, but instead of just punishing, you should encourage & put emphasis on the good behaviour.

This is literally what we do.

During the whole Disney Infinity craze, the kids each had a star chart. When they done good things and helped out, they got a star. When the chart was filled up, which was usually at the end of the month, they each got a new character and they could play DI all day that day.

Worked wonders.

Now we give them pocket money and once a month we go up to the toy shop and they can pick whatever they want in the limits of the money they have. Usually a tenner plus any more they've been given by others.

They fucking love it.

 

[SMOK3Y]

It's amazing the human capacity to deny logic and science when faced with a fact that goes against their opinion.



I didn't say you were. Was merely speculating why nobody answered that posters question.

Its not that simple when you're a parent

 

[televator]

My hero...

So then would or wouldn’t you say the same thing about a pet? Or a maybe avoid the question with more sarcasm.