I've been there -- multiple times. After my grandfather -- who was like my father -- died two years ago, I attempted suicide twice. The first time, I was coming back from California after seeing him dying there in the bed and I rolled my car twice. Came out without a scratch. The second time a week later, I tied some cords to a door nob, threw them over the door, tied a noose and stuck my head in it and then jumped off the chair. I dangled there -- content with dying -- until the cord snapped and I fell to the ground feeling even more miserable than I did before.
I moved on and didn't tell anyone. You might say it's selfish, but I had no family, no real friends, my girlfriend broke up with me, I was kicked out of my house, about to lose my job and I was at the bottom of the blackest hole there is. I think it's selfish to ask someone with no commitments to anyone or anything to continue living a miserable existence just so your conscious can be clear. That is fucking selfish.
Less than a year ago, I fell into depression again. This time, I reached out to my girlfriend and to some "friends" and was met with "get over it" or "you'll be fine" or "go ahead and kill yourself and take the coward's way out." Some called me "weak." How do you tell someone that you wake up every morning feeling like you see no hope for your future and there's no way out of the pit? Or that you think about committing suicide every fucking day because you just can't take the misery anymore? And when you finally work up the nerve to reach out to someone and say "this is what's going on with me, will you help?" You're met with shit assholes like you calling someone a coward and selfish -- as if it's our decision to be so miserable to the point where death seems like the only escape.
