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Tinder woes. Someone please hear me out.

심포니

so it's not nice
Apr 2, 2013
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Hey guys.

So I have a little issue... right now, I am trying to find the one. I haven't had a girlfriend since high school (about 5 years ago), I'm 23 and I think it's time I at least start looking for someone to call mine.

I finally hop on Tinder after complete reluctance throughout my university years, since where I am currently living the only potential girls out there are at my workplace. That's it. There's no hustle bustle like the city I went to school in so the choices are vastly lower. I was turned off by online dating for two reasons, one because back in college when I didn't have money to improve my image, I was not getting any matches and only through bots. I'm not embarrassed, I can admit that. The second, I much strongly prefer in-person approaches and dating than online because I'm old-school like that. [my_nigga.gif]

These days, though, admittedly I look better since I can take better care of my physical self and afford premium clothing, and I believe it's starting to show as I'm getting attention online from really good looking women, something I'm not really used to honestly.

Anyways. So I match with this one girl on there who I instantly think, "she's the one." I have had only a few before her but they weren't really people I wished to respond to so I let them be. Anyway we super quickly click and I am gonna go on a super extravagant date with her this weekend. I'm so excited and I tell myself this is it.

Now I should mention that I'm a very exclusive person in that if I put all my effort into one girl, that's the girl I'm gonna stay with no matter what. I'm not about thinking about other women or wondering 'what if' or anything similar.

Lo and behold, a fucking ATTRACTIVE (equally or higher) girl matches me tonight and instantly catches my attention with a pretty good first message. Now the girl I matched with before and I have been talking for the last WEEK, and we have kinda gone a little deep with it. Now I feel like complete shit because I don't wanna message this second girl. I feel like a man-whore, or, gigolo, or whatever. I have formed such a [mutual] connection with the first that I feel like she'd be super heartbroken if she ever knew I was talking to someone else at the same time. This feels so shitty AUGH.

Does anyone else know how I feel? Am I being innocent? I really hate online dating holy crap haha
 
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triplestation

Member
Dec 23, 2008
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there are like a millions "the one's" out there

you finally find "the one"

months or years later you meet someone like "fuckkkk how amazing is she, imagine i met her instead fuuuuuuck"

that's just another "one"

they're all over the world

it's like locusts

arcadia give me a like
 
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심포니

so it's not nice
Apr 2, 2013
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Well, to be honest making this thread it dawned on me that it is pretty unlikely the girl I've been talking to isn't talking to someone else, but I mean what's the point in thinking like that if I want to have something special, ya know?

I mean, I'd like it so that she knows I'm serious and I'm willing to show her that in any way.
 

Xaero Gravity

Formerly 'Xaero Testosterone'
May 12, 2013
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The best advice I can give when it comes to online dating is to never go into a match expecting it to be or thinking it's "the one". The amount of people just looking for fun massively outnumbers those looking a steady relationship, so you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Plus the fact that you're not the only one she's talking to on a consistent basis.

Your best bet is to just go with the flow, and whatever happens, happens.
 
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EviLore

Expansive Ellipses
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May 30, 2004
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Well, to be honest making this thread it dawned on me that it is pretty unlikely the girl I've been talking to isn't talking to someone else, but I mean what's the point in thinking like that if I want to have something special, ya know?

I mean, I'd like it so that she knows I'm serious and I'm willing to show her that in any way.
Girls you’ve just matched on Tinder: nothing exists here.

Girl you’ve been happily dating exclusively for a few years: she can know you’re serious.
 

Trojita

Rapid Response Threadmaker
Feb 9, 2009
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To give you actual advice.

Your emotions are currently in a wreck. You should be excited for this weekend, but you seem to be setting yourself up for disappointment with a fantastic version of it. There should be no reason to be "very exclusive" when you haven't even had a first date. Don't hedge your bets on her, hedge your bets on you! Keep chatting to the other girl. It's statistically likely she has matched with more than you, that's not a betrayel in this stage of your relationship, but expected. She's evaluating her options and chose to go out on a date with you! :messenger_fistbump: So go and enjoy it!
 
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Miku Miku

Gold Member
Jan 13, 2018
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I think you're being a little naive and desperate. Wearing your heart on sleeve a bit too much.

If you're honestly struggling with some guilt, then think of it as going to meet a friend if you must. See if you click and go from there. Don't ever go all in this early, considering you haven't even really met them yet. Maybe that will help you not treat this like some possible marriage prospect instantly.

Don't be shy in stating at some point that they're attractive and you're into them. Get some chemistry. Don't friendzone yourself. But you gotta find a way to taper this back a bit.

And honestly, I've never gotten anywhere with an "extravagant date," but maybe I failed at it. All my best dates were just asking someone to come over and watch Netflix lol.
 

심포니

so it's not nice
Apr 2, 2013
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I think you're being a little naive and desperate. Wearing your heart on sleeve a bit too much.

If you're honestly struggling with some guilt, then think of it as going to meet a friend if you must. See if you click and go from there. Don't ever go all in this early, considering you haven't even really met them yet. Maybe that will help you not treat this like some possible marriage prospect instantly.

Don't be shy in stating at some point that they're attractive and you're into them. Get some chemistry. Don't friendzone yourself. But you gotta find a way to taper this back a bit.
Naïve? I don't disagree. I'm definitely not desperate though. I can comfortably live the rest of my life as a single man, no shame. I just like to be a really special guy is all.

But yeah I've definitely stated such. I've even gone so far to say things like "I'd date you for your face" (obviously I was being smooth here, within context, I didn't say this at random) so she understands my intentions, I think.

I'm being serious when I say I treat every girl I court like a potential marriage prospect. No, I don't go overboard and scare girls away; it's just, I rarely develop interest in girls as it is and when I do, I contemplate for a while what would make her worth dating. Then at that point I'm like, I might as well stay....

And honestly, I've never gotten anywhere with an "extravagant date," but maybe I failed at it. All my best dates were just asking someone to come over and watch Netflix lol.
No offense (at all) but I'd like to be more creative than that. Given that my hopes and dreams of meeting a girl IRL are nearly completely crushed, I'd like to live it out by being a unique person to date, if that makes sense.

But seriously, thank you for the input. It is super, super appreciated!

Girls you’ve just matched on Tinder: nothing exists here.

Girl you’ve been happily dating exclusively for a few years: she can know you’re serious.
Well, what happens then I knock her off her feet during our date? I feel like it shouldn't take years for a girl to realize a guy is for real, if you get what I mean.

I can't tell if serious but I do go to church.
 
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Miku Miku

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No offense (at all) but I'd like to be more creative than that. Given that my hopes and dreams of meeting a girl IRL are nearly completely crushed, I'd like to live it out by being a unique person to date, if that makes sense.
None taken! Do your thing. I'm hardly a master. I guess I just find the formality to just ruin my ability to relax and be myself. I'm sure lots of people pull off the fancier dates.
 
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심포니

so it's not nice
Apr 2, 2013
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i meant get yourself a christian girl church regular, tinder is a fucking mess
Yeah... you make that sound simple. I've tried this way more than you would probably believe. They are impossible and don't want me, sorry. #OnlyJesus #ICanRespectThatOfCourse #ButThatsWhyImInThisPositionKinda

In all seriousness though, I'll pass. I'm kind of over girls like that for now I think.
 
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Tesseract

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Dec 7, 2008
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Yeah... you make that sound simple. I've tried this way more than you would probably believe. They are impossible and don't want me, sorry. #OnlyJesus #ICanRespectThatOfCourse #ButThatsWhyImInThisPositionKinda
fair enough, have you tried eharmony?
 

Tesseract

Crushed by Thanos
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No but I saw the app on the app store and thought about it. I said nah, too many dating apps. I had to delete some this morning and they make me feel gross inside tbh. Like I'm freaking shopping for my future or some shit :messenger_fearful:
it is what it is, yer just trying to find someone, use all avenues available
 
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Soleil rouge

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May 17, 2010
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You're not seriously seeing anyone yet so try leading "the upgrade" on while still talking to the first one. Proceed with the date and if it goes well, great; if not, you have another ready to go.

Don't think for a second that they're not employing the same strategy at this point, so don't sweat it. Throughout your twenties, you're going to learn a lot and make lots of mistakes. Your dating philosophy will change over and over.
 

-Arcadia-

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Aug 20, 2019
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Anyways. So I match with this one girl on there who I instantly think, "she’s the one." I have had only a few before her but they weren't really people I wished to respond to so I let them be. Anyway we super quickly click and I am gonna go on a super extravagant date with her this weekend. I'm so excited and I tell myself this is it.

Lo and behold, a fucking ATTRACTIVE (equally or higher) girl matches me tonight and instantly catches my attention with a pretty good first message. Now the girl I matched with before and I have been talking for the last WEEK, and we have kinda gone a little deep with it. Now I feel like complete shit because I don't wanna message this second girl. I feel like a man-whore, or, gigolo, or whatever. I have formed such a [mutual] connection with the first that I feel like she’d be super heartbroken if she ever knew I was talking to someone else at the same time. This feels so shitty AUGH.
OP, you seem like a really good guy, but you seem to have the same views on relationships as a Disney princess, to an extent that could really hurt you. I don’t want this to happen.

You have barely met this girl, and you think she’s the one? You want to take her out on a super-extravagant date? You feel like complete shit because another girl just messaged you, and that the first girl would be heartbroken?

You need to dial it down, like a lot. You’re projecting this image of what you want her to be, on a person you don’t even know. That’s a recipe for disaster and the clinginess and weirdness it’ll cause, a date red flag.

Keep your options open, go on your date(s), have fun, and get to know her/them.

That’s all that’s necessary.
 

심포니

so it's not nice
Apr 2, 2013
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I hope I wasn’t too harsh. I just want to put you in the right headspace. Better a forum friend than a date disaster.

I hope you have a great time!
No, I made the thread for this reason. I can take it.

But to respond, I have had my heart broken before. I've come to the conclusion that I'm either giving it my all every single time or just living the single life forever, that's it. So that's kind of why I wanna do all these cool dates and stuff. I have no expectations or anything!

I'm betting he probably means that you should never instantly think someone is the "one" so quickly, especially with online dating.
Right, but I'd like him to explain himself because he just sounds like he's patronizing me [for my age] and I don't wanna accuse him of it yet.
 
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haxan7

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May 9, 2016
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Fuck all the hottest young bitches you can while you’re young. 23 is prime dick/pussy age. It’s not your clothes they’re attracted to, it’s how they imagine your body and dick based on what they see in your pics. Go meet the first one, the second one, and all the ones that follow, and keep in mind that your underlying purpose is to fuck all you can out of their hot young bodies.

It may seem counterproductive to your goal of meeting the one, but trust me, this is the approach that will create the shortest straight line to your goal, which is the exact goal you should have and shows that you’re clear sighted and more than capable of doing everything you want.
 

TheSadRanger

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Sep 5, 2013
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No, I made the thread for this reason. I can take it.

But to respond, I have had my heart broken before. I've come to the conclusion that I'm either giving it my all every single time or just living the single life forever, that's it. So that's kind of why I wanna do all these cool dates and stuff. I have no expectations or anything!



Right, but I'd like him to explain himself because he just sounds like he's patronizing me [for my age] and I don't wanna accuse him of it yet.
Never give it your all, it comes off as wanting. There's a middle ground that you gotta meet that's between flippant and clingy.




 

-Arcadia-

Gold Member
Aug 20, 2019
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No, I made the thread for this reason. I can take it.

But to respond, I have had my heart broken before. I've come to the conclusion that I'm either giving it my all every single time or just living the single life forever, that's it. So that's kind of why I wanna do all these cool dates and stuff. I have no expectations or anything!



Right, but I'd like him to explain himself because he just sounds like he's patronizing me [for my age] and I don't wanna accuse him of it yet.
I think you should just be you, the best version of you, sure, but you.

This is just a fun date with another human being, that you’re trying to see if you’re interested in, and have chemistry with. Enjoy yourself, and see if this is something you’d like to pursue.

It’s not a mountain to be climbed, to get to a relationship, it’s hanging out and having fun with someone, and seeing where that goes. Don’t be more interested in the idea of a relationship, than you actually are in the person.

What TheSadRanger TheSadRanger said as well. Giving your all is a great way to win marathons, but nobody wants your all on a date. It’s about socializing, being yourself, and connecting.
 
Jan 11, 2019
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The best advice I can give when it comes to online dating is to never go into a match expecting it to be or thinking it's "the one". The amount of people just looking for fun massively outnumbers those looking a steady relationship, so you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Plus the fact that you're not the only one she's talking to on a consistent basis.

Your best bet is to just go with the flow, and whatever happens, happens.