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[Ysiadmihi]

This is pretty bad (GameTrailers compilation).

Yeeeeeeeeesh.

 

[IC_Champion]

I am having trouble processing this. He pointed out nine things wrong with this game....

and gave it an "A+"?

 

[PepsimanVsJoe]

Nevermind I'm dropping it.

 

[jooey]

Yahtzee is weird. Sometimes he's spot-on, but other times he just rambles on about the most nonsensical tangential bullshit,

cue rambling

 

[IndieJones]

Dropping it too!

 

[webrunner]

has anyone mentioned the Dean Takahashi stuff that came up in the Space Marine thread?

 

[dragonlife]

Nevermind I'm dropping it.

I saw your post before you edited. And I agree. You should see the comments on the site; so many stupid people gathered in one spot.

 

[amorbis]

This one is hilarious.

I love the "I'm not going to nitpick", and then later in the review: "When I shoot doors, they don't open!"

"The gameplay is what makes this game shine brighter than any star."

"You know this game is in full 3D when you can walk up to the front of the screen and Samus gets bigger, and when you run away she gets smaller--that shows that this is a great game."

 

[Yuripaw]

I saw your post before you edited. And I agree. You should see the comments on the site; so many stupid people gathered in one spot.

I'm not sure what kind of posts you're referring to, but I really just don't like the posts where someone gets flat out told they're stupid, or gets sworn at just for stating their opinion. Everyone's entitled to an opinion. If someone doesn't like it, it should be responded to with a counter-argument, as in why they disagree. Saying something like "What the fuck is wrong with you" bears no argument, and is just rude.

 

[Tain]

Yahtzee is weird.

Yahtzee seems to spend a lot of time talking about the least important parts of games. Character customization in Brink? Plot in Mortal Kombat?

no thanks.

 

[ultron87]

I am having trouble processing this. He pointed out nine things wrong with this game....

and gave it an "A+"?

Seriously, at least read the entire review.

 

[Kurtofan]

I will never forget or forgive this horrible review of Shin Megami Tensei Nocturne of Jeuxactu.com back in 2005. NEVER.

http://www.jeuxactu.com/article-10011-shin-megami-tensei-iii.html
It makes my blood boils so fucking much.The game is rated 9/20!
It's in French so I'll try to translate the "highlights".

Edit:I can't even read it, it's too bad, I get too angry,plus the writing style is even more pompous and clustered than usual game reviews.
I'll just translate the Good points,Bad points section:

Good points:
-Great game to get angry for hours,nice!
-Interesting Compendium of monsters.
-If you don't buy this game you save money for a good game.

Bad points:
-Awful ambiance.
-Boring soulless dungeons
-Ridiculously high frequency of random battles
-Pointless story
-Stupid evolution system
-Elitist difficulty
-Awful soundtrack
-Do I still need to carry on?

Share my anger, Gaf.

 

[Man God]

I remember how hung up he was about 1 ups in Super Mario Galaxy.

1ups have technically been useless in every single one of the 3D Mario games, but the sheer sense of joy you get when you hear that noise is worth it being there.

Mario wouldn't feel right without 1ups.

 

[insert_username_here]

That's something I wouldn't even wish on my most hated enemy.

"Now that you have said that I have to find one of these reviews"


20 mins later


"I think my soul just broke"

 

[(._.)]

Shenmue - Gamespot

This review was legendary eleven years ago. They edited it a couple months later because the site was a riot zone for weeks after it was posted.

Here are his thoughts on it almost ten years later.

 

[Fimbulvetr]

I will never forget or forgive this horrible review of Shin Megami Tensei Nocturne of Jeuxactu.com back in 2005. NEVER.

http://www.jeuxactu.com/article-10011-shin-megami-tensei-iii.html
It makes my blood boils so fucking much.The game is rated 9/20!
It's in French so I'll try to translate the "highlights".

Edit:I can't even read it, it's too bad, I gets too angry,plus the writing style is even more pompous and clustered than usual game reviews.
I'll just translate the Good points,Bad points section:

Oh man, that's just horrible.

The worst, by far, is "elitist difficulty". Was it his first time playing an RPG with some semblance of balance?

 

[dimb]

I love the "I'm not going to nitpick", and then later in the review: "When I shoot doors, they don't open!"

"The gameplay is what makes this game shine brighter than any star."

"You know this game is in full 3D when you can walk up to the front of the screen and Samus gets bigger, and when you run away she gets smaller--that shows that this is a great game."

And then the Transformers t-shirt showoff segments that bookend the review just kind of solidify how crazy this guy is.

 

[insert_username_here]

Escapist's Dragon Age 2 review


G4TV's Portal 2 review


Dan Hsu's Gears of War review

Yes to all, Portal 2 was OK but to say your "Honored to play it" thats really pushing it, it was nothing special, the gears and dragon age 2 review is just a fail.

 

[TheFightingFish]

I am having trouble processing this. He pointed out nine things wrong with this game....

and gave it an "A+"?

http://www.1up.com/reviews/gears-of-war_2

As mentioned a few times before the image only has the first half of the review, and omits the second half where Dan lists why he was giving the game an A+ in spite of those issues listed.

Honestly now, I'm not claiming it as an example of a really good game review (pretty heavy on the hyperbole and whatnot), but there is nothing that bad to me about Dan's Gears review. He takes a game that he enjoyed playing, makes sure not to omit mentioning all the issues that were present in it, and then listed exactly why he found it to be an A+ experience in spite of those issues.

 

[dimb]

He also didn't give the game an A+, it just got converted to that from a 10/10.

 

[Curufinwe]

I guess this kind of fits here as well. Arthur Gies theory about a shadowy cabal of God Hand fanboys in the gaming media who conspired to overrate Vanquish was pretty hilarious. Probably one of the worst things I've heard coming from a professional reviewer.

That was the last episode of Rebel FM I listened to. The lengths he went to to discredit all the reviewers who liked Vanquish because he was incapable of accepting his opinion was in the minority were astonishing.

 

[Cartman86]

Any reviewer that gave MGS4 a perfect score.

Imagine I go back and play Deus Ex and find tons of issues with controls, graphics, interface etc that are problems because of the era in which it was released. But my overall enjoyment of the game is amazing. It's a 10 for me. It's not PERFECT, but fuck if it isn't one of the best experiences I've had. Now realize that for some people MGS4 is like that and you will be able to sleep at night.

If anything this is an issue with scoring.

 

[Mr. B Natural]

IGN MGS4.

Jesus christ the vague wankery. It's like asking me what I thought of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was 10.

^Go back? MGS4 came out THIS gen and not 12 years ago. And thanks for more vague wankery. Appreciate it.

 

[Kurtofan]

Oh man, that's just horrible.

The worst, by far, is "elitist difficulty". Was it his first time playing an RPG with some semblance of balance?

This was the first Megami Tensei to be released in France(and Europe by extent)so I guess it's hard at first but even I, who doesn't like too much difficulty in games, was able to man up and play through this amazing game!

He complains that there isn't a easy mode for westerners, this guy is the reason we couldn't have nice things in the nineties.

Edit:among other complaints he calls the main character "autistic and impersonal" , that the "main villain"(referring to Hikawa) is "ridiculous with his polka dot costume"

He also complains about the random skill change when you level up!I can't believe it, the game asks you if you want to change the skill randomly and when he doesn't like the results he complains! Unbelievable.

He compares the Magatamas to Pokemon.
He complains the Dante on the boxart will lure casual gamers into this "impossible game"

The guy clearly knows nothing about SMT and that shows how little some reviewers know about their subject.

 

[ToyBroker]

Joystiq's review of Nier.

Graciously given a review copy and can't get more than an hour into the damn game?

 

[bhlaab]

King of the hall of fame

TheSixthAxis reviews MGS 4
Credited only to "TSA News Team"

http://www.thesixthaxis.com/2008/06/18/metal-gear-solid-4/

Do you remember when it happened? Of course you do, no one ever forgets, no matter how hard they try. It was like the universe sucker punched you in the gut, sending you down on your knees, gasping for air. The moment you realized that you are not special, that you will never amount to anything, all your dreams will go unfulfilled, you will never know anything but empty false happiness and you will die alone and bitter. You remember that hollowness that formed in your centre at that moment? Remember how your soul was sucked into the black hole, the singularity of despair that formed in its centre? Remember how you died inside? I want you to concentrate on that numbing pain of your decaying soul, because that is exactly how every other game will feel like after you have played Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.

To review such a game is simply impossible. Not a single person lives or will ever live that is worthy of playing, experiencing Metal Gear Solid 4, let alone review it and any attempt to do so is a falsum and flawed by nature. And yet, by some miracle somehow I found myself happening upon the privilege of playing it, it was a strange and wonderful experience. Like shagging a super model, all the while you cannot shake the feeling of shame and guilt, the feeling that this should not be happening, that you are not worthy, that she is too good for you, but damn it if you are not going to enjoy it for as long it is going to last anyway.

Convention dictates that I am to review it nevertheless, and just like a painter commissioned to draw the sun I will just have to do it at the best of my abilities. It is impossible to paint the sun, because looking at it blinds you, but if you squint or blink really fast you might catch brief glimpses of its true form, and that is exactly what I will do with Metal Gear Solid 4, I am going to blink really fast and try to describe to you what I see as my retina burns away.

[snip]

To further open up the game to all gamers the controls of Metal Gear Solid 4 have received a complete overhaul, something few will find any faults with as it now mirrors more closely what one would expect from the type of game it has become. As a result unlike the other games in the series newcomers will find the game easy to pick up and play. The basic controls are not much different from what one might find in a typical shooter which means people coming from that background will instantly be able to play the game. But unlike the brain dead simple controls of most shooters that haven’t evolved in 20 years the controls of Metal Gear Solid 4 has fathoms of depth just waiting to be discovered and utilized by more advanced players. In fact I am going to go ahead and claim that it has the most advanced controls of any other game I have ever seen, heard of or played.

[snip]

When I played the Metal Gear Online Beta a few months back I impudently complained about the graphics not living up to what I was expecting from Kojima Productions and I bitched and moaned to no end about how I hated the monochromatic colour scheme I though Metal Gear Solid was using, just like every other western game made for brain damaged colour blind gamers. Kojima-sama, say the word and I will cut out my own tongue and present it to you on a napkin in shame as a punishment for being such a stupid little twat. In the 2 years that I’ve had my 42” plasma I never realized that it could display such heavenly imagery or such an amazing spectrum of colours. Every single moment spent staring at Metal Gear Solid 4 is a moment where its unreal visuals make sweet, sweet love to your retinas.

[snip]

This game is a final and concluding collective fuck you to all western game developers and their huge budgets and single minded obsession with visuals and technology. Here is a game that puts everything else ever made to suicidal shame and hammers the railroad spike of Japanese superiority in all fronts of gaming through the forehead of the industry once and for all. Take note you western chimps, here is a Japanese developer that not only gives your technological aspirations a teeth shattering punch in the face but at the same time manages to also bring to table the Japanese exclusive of amazing and incredibly varied gameplay as well. Now go back to your cubicle cages and continue flinging your poo at the each other, or what you call game development, you useless gits.

[snip]

When the game box of Metal Gear Solid 4 mentions cinematic experience it does not mean cinematic in an 8mm B-movie kind of way which all other games do. Kojima-sama is a movie director at heart and so it comes as no surprise that the greatest action movie director is not some talentless cocksuker over at Hollywood having made a carrier of converting millions of dollars into garbage. No, sir, the greatest action movie director lives in Japan, his name is Hideo Kojima and the greatest action movie ever made is the one you get for free with the purchase of Metal Gear Solid 4.

Kojima-sama is not content with having a talent hung like a friggin whale by just performing the miracle of creating the most
compelling action movie ever made and the most amazing game ever made at the same time, no, that is not at all enough for him. He has to go out and add the third miracle of doing all of this real-time using the game engine without using even a second of pre-rendered footage. You heard that right, except for the well crafted live action commercials at the beginning of the game and the footage of eggs being cooked every single second of the game is being rendered in real-time.

[snip]

Reviews like this are reserved for ordinary games. To review such a game as Metal Gear Solid 4 is like commissioning a blind man to share his opinion on a beautiful oil painting painted by a true artist, it just wouldn’t work. The nature of Metal Gear Solid 4 lifts it above such conventional ways of judgement. But alas, the nature of the industry makes it necessary for even such a game to be subjected to such an insulting judicial process. For you see, this game is available for purchase to all, even the lowest forms of humanity who should deservedly combust and be reduced to ashes in the divine presence of it.

Note: our reviewer originally wanted to score this game infinity/10. Sadly, the limits of our database system meant this had to be truncated to a 10/10.

Note: our reviewer originally wanted to score this game infinity/10. Sadly, the limits of our database system meant this had to be truncated to a 10/10.
Note: our reviewer originally wanted to score this game infinity/10. Sadly, the limits of our database system meant this had to be truncated to a 10/10.
Note: our reviewer originally wanted to score this game infinity/10. Sadly, the limits of our database system meant this had to be truncated to a 10/10.
Note: our reviewer originally wanted to score this game infinity/10. Sadly, the limits of our database system meant this had to be truncated to a 10/10.

 

[giggas]

Shenmue - Gamespot

This review was legendary eleven years ago. They edited it a couple months later because the site was a riot zone for weeks after it was posted.

Here are his thoughts on it almost ten years later.

Wow. Funny thing is, I give him a lot of credit for giving that game that score. I do kinda love Shen Mue, but I can completely understand someone giving that game a 6.whatever or below. It's really an acquired taste, and I can't blame anyone for hating that series.

 

[Ushojax]

No, sir, the greatest action movie director lives in Japan, his name is Hideo Kojima and the greatest action movie ever made is the one you get for free with the purchase of Metal Gear Solid 4.

 

[TheExecutive]

I came in here to say that anything Goldstein writes is the worst review. He just keeps topping himself and I find his writing to be truly awful. It looks like many people here agree with this sentiment.

 

[Boney]

King of the hall of fame

TheSixthAxis reviews MGS 4
Credited only to "TSA News Team"

http://www.thesixthaxis.com/2008/06/18/metal-gear-solid-4/

Note: our reviewer originally wanted to score this game infinity/10. Sadly, the limits of our database system meant this had to be truncated to a 10/10.

I just... wow

 

[Apath]

I love that Gears of War review because it's like an idiot litmus test.

The review is done in such a way that it points out the flaws and in the end goes "But you know what? The game does so much good that it outweighs the flaws!" I could understand the reasoning of placing amongst the worst reviews ever if:
1. It didn't have the second half the review that gets overlooked, without fail, every time.
2. The game was actually broken.
3. The game didn't receive raving reviews everywhere.

 

[tiff]

King of the hall of fame

TheSixthAxis reviews MGS 4
Credited only to "TSA News Team"

http://www.thesixthaxis.com/2008/06/18/metal-gear-solid-4/



Note: our reviewer originally wanted to score this game infinity/10. Sadly, the limits of our database system meant this had to be truncated to a 10/10.

oh my god

 

[mollipen]

Somebody who wants to remain anonymous asked me to post this (click for full size):

 

[Snuggles]

That MGS4 review has to be parody. I refuse to accept the possibility of that person being serious.

 

[giggas]

I love that Gears of War review because it's like an idiot litmus test.

The review is done in such a way that it points out the flaws and in the end goes "But you know what? The game does so much good that it outweighs the flaws!" I could understand the reasoning of placing amongst the worst reviews ever if:
1. It didn't have the second half the review that gets overlooked, without fail, every time.
2. The game was actually broken.
3. The game didn't receive raving reviews everywhere.

But the game actually is pretty damn broken when you're playing single player alone. And what does Point 3, the one you decided to put in bold, have anything to do with his review?

 

[Interfectum]

In this day and age there are very few things worth noting. No one expects miracles anymore, only the normality we face each and every day. Well today, on this day, Killzone 2 has changed this, not just for me, but for everyone. Gamer, non-gamer, young and old Killzone 2 will leave an immense and earth shattering impact in it’s wake.

I can only think of three historical events that will forever be passed down through the generations. The creation of the universe, the evolution of mankind, and the release of Killzone 2. You will forever remember where you were this day and will share this moment with your children and grandchildren. There will be school textbooks and college courses that cover all aspects of this game. Today will become a holiday celebrated across the world. There is no going back folks, things have changed forever.

Let us not forget one other aspect of this truly historic event. The day it truly began for the Playstation 3. It is now the Bible of video games. To call it anything less than that is a disservice to both the Playstation and Killzone 2. The tides have turned my friends, make sure you are riding the right wave in.

These are my impressions based on playing through the first level and I may have a full review up someday. Though I’m not sure how I could possibly give this game a review score. Even a 10/10 would be an injustice to what this game truly represents.

http://www.sonydefenseforce.com/2009/02/27/unbiased-killzone-2-retail-impressions/

lol still hilarious

 

[linko9]

Somebody who wants to remain anonymous asked me to post this (click for full size):

http://i.imgur.com/PHFfml.jpg[/URL][/QUOTE]

Yeah, I remember seeing that in a thread recently, one of the funnier reviews I've seen. You honestly have to wonder if he played SMW.

 

[letsbereasonable]

I don't understand the hate for someone simply giving a game a great/bad score. In an of itself, the score doesn't matter. Most scores are justifiable if articulately reasoned.

However, feel completely free to mock and ridicule hyperbole, "doing it wrong" (the guy who didn't understand how to play Mass Effect), or reviewers terrible at constructing an argument (Shoe).

Has the "say something slightly bad to say something good" (and vice versa) phenomenom been mentioned yet? That's the epitome of lazy reviewing.

 

[Apath]

But the game actually is pretty damn broken when you're playing single player alone. And what does Point 3, the one you decided to put in bold, have anything to do with his review?

That many other reviewers also found the flaws to be outweighed by the good in the game? His review is targeted because of the format.

 

[PepsimanVsJoe]

Chris Slate must have been sipping a bit too much of the Donkey Kong Country koolaid when he did that Yoshi's Island review.

 

[Rahxephon91]

You enjoy good story telling , yet like MGS4? Hmmmmmm

 

[Vorg]

But the game actually is pretty damn broken when you're playing single player alone.

wut? how is the campaign in gears of war broken?

 

[Kahoona]

Jim Sterling's review of Assassin's Creed 2.

 

[The_Darkest_Red]

Somebody who wants to remain anonymous asked me to post this (click for full size):

http://i.imgur.com/PHFfml.jpg[/URL][/QUOTE]
I find this so very offensive...

 

[jett]

King of the hall of fame

TheSixthAxis reviews MGS 4
Credited only to "TSA News Team"

http://www.thesixthaxis.com/2008/06/18/metal-gear-solid-4/



Note: our reviewer originally wanted to score this game infinity/10. Sadly, the limits of our database system meant this had to be truncated to a 10/10.
Note: our reviewer originally wanted to score this game infinity/10. Sadly, the limits of our database system meant this had to be truncated to a 10/10.
Note: our reviewer originally wanted to score this game infinity/10. Sadly, the limits of our database system meant this had to be truncated to a 10/10.
Note: our reviewer originally wanted to score this game infinity/10. Sadly, the limits of our database system meant this had to be truncated to a 10/10.

Jesushcrist somebody nuke that site from orbit

 

[Oreoleo]

If his thesis is "There is a lot wrong with this game, but the good overcame the bad so I give it an A+" then HE SHOULD HAVE STATED THAT UP FRONT and not waited half way through the review to mention it. Even if you don't disagree with that sentiment (And I do. If there is something quantifiably wrong with a game it doesn't deserve a perfect score. Period.), the review is still horribly written/structured. Like he's just making it up as he went along, got half way through the review, realized how much he was bagging on the game and was like, "Oh but I actually really liked it."

It's sloppy writing, plain and simple. And that's part of what makes it the "worst" professional review. It's not just the score, but the manner in which the review is written. He should be embarrassed.

 

[ultron87]

If his thesis is "There is a lot wrong with this game, but the good overcame the bad so I give it an A+" then HE SHOULD HAVE STATED THAT UP FRONT and not waited half way through the review to mention it. Even if you don't disagree with that sentiment (And I do. If there is something quantifiably wrong with a game it doesn't deserve a perfect score. Period.), the review is still horribly written/structured. Like he's just making it up as he went along, got half way through the review, realized how much he was bagging on the game and was like, "Oh but I actually really liked it."

It's sloppy writing, plain and simple. And that's part of what makes it the "worst" professional review. It's not just the score, but the manner in which the review is written. He should be embarrassed.

This is the first paragraph:

You can always find reasons not to give a game a review score of 10. Control issues (Gears of War has that). A.I. problems (that, too). Bad dialogue or storytelling (yes on both). Linear levels, online lag, limited modes (yup, yup, and yup). But as I was playing through the game, I found one consistently good feature: It was constantly impressing the hell out of me.

Does he have to exactly spell it out for you to be satisfied or something? It shouldn't be that difficult to figure out where he's going with it.

 

[Unicorn]

This is pretty bad (GameTrailers compilation).

so all games on PC are their own genre.

The PC genre.

Good to know.

"So, Unicorn, do you like the FPS genre, fighting, racing, puzzle, rpg, or racing genre more?"
"I like the PC genre."

 

[Oreoleo]

This is the first paragraph:



Does he have to exactly spell it out for you to be satisfied or something? It shouldn't be that difficult to figure out where he's going with it.

Well, shit.

Still. If all the negative stuff wasn't going to affect the score, he shouldn't have wasted so much time expounding on what he thought was wrong with it. I've read that review like 3 times and it starts off so negative I'd forgotten that he does state that up front. I concede my main point, but it's still sloppy writing.

 

[nephilimdj]

Local newspaper did a review of altered beast for ps2, basically was copy paste of the press release and said it was true to the original game about a scientist.