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[Wolf Akela]

Mine is 1up's review for the PC version of Devil May Cry 4.
http://www.1up.com/reviews/devil-cry-4

Lemme pick quotes:

Hardcore DMC fans would appreciate this mode most...but aren't those folks playing DMC on a console? This would be a great treat as downloadable content for consoles, but it almost seems like wasted effort here.

Why are you complaining about extra features not appearing on other platforms? Why did you make it sound like this is actually a con for this version?

Mouse support is another issue: According to our review of last year's Resident Evil 4 PC port, the game doesn't support a mouse -- and Capcom repeats this omission in DMC4.

Where else would you use the mouse in DMC4 except in the menus where it actually works?

But its lack of enticing PC features leaves me wondering if Capcom sees the PC as either a worthy platform or just a place for well-playing but otherwise ho-hum ports.

He calls LDK mode a "worthwhile addition", then says the PC version lacked enticing additions, and calls it a ho-hum port? DMC4 PC is flat-out the definitive version of the game out there. LDK mode itself makes use of the extra RAM and power PCs have. There aren't really even any known technical issues with the game.

Shame they deleted the comments. There were lots of raging there before.

I'm sure GAF can come up with something worse.

 

[TabletopTictacs]

This is the most wrong, stupid review I've ever read.

http://uk.ps3.ign.com/articles/918/918890p1.html - IGN's SARPBC review.

It basically says that the game sucks because it's too hard, and no-one will ever master it.

"I can understand the reasoning behind it, of course; nobody wants to play a languid game where half the players are methodically waiting for their shot while the others either apply enough boost to go supersonic and ram into you, destroying you in the process, or just take a dozen shots on goal until something goes in. Unfortunately, all that does is create a sort of randomized chaos where the right player at the right time will often just charge into the ball head-on and score a goal."

And a few months later players were doing this "/

 

[szaromir]

IGN's GTA4 and Football Manager reviews.

 

[Papercuts]

The king.

Reads like a PR piece, and gave us the wonderful "Oscar Worthy" quote.

And, of course, God Hand.

The review gets flak all the time, I just always find the Lasting Appeal funny: "The game is surprising lengthy for such a basic game, though it gets increbily boring and frustrating so you likely won't play for too long."

Admitting it's lengthy then basically saying "but it sucks so who cares" to take points off is hilarious. So is misspelling incredibly, though a ton of reviews make a lot of mistakes like this.

 

[LabouredSubterfuge]

Goldstein's Dead Space 2 review on IGN. Man is clearly mentally under-developed.

 

[Y2Kev]

Escapist Dragon Age II.

 

[reptilescorpio]

Takahashi Mass Effect review. Can't find it though.

 

[Haunted]

The IGN one with the guy complaining that EA Football manager 2010 is a Football manager game.



The first one to post half of the 1up GoW review with yellow marker gets banned, btw.

 

[Guerrillas in the Mist]

Goldstein's Dead Space 2 review on IGN. Man is clearly mentally under-developed.

It read like a 12-year old saying how awesome and badass the game was. Terrible.

 

[Fimbulvetr]

Escapist: Dragon Age 2

 

[Ledsen]

IGN's Deadly Premonition review, no contest.

http://xbox360.ign.com/articles/107/1070909p1.html

 

[Roxas]

IGN's Football Manager review. They were expecting a game like FIFA and did not understand it was a management sim. Think they gave it a 3.0 or something...It was quickly removed anyway

 

[reptilescorpio]

Escapist Dragon Age II.

Also PC Gamer Dragon Age 2 review

Launching into the wibbly half-light of that realm, I had to make a genuine choice: destroy the magicusing faculties of this kid’s mind, or let him become a danger to society. I put my mouse down, stood up, and paced around my room. It’s a rare feat when a game encourages walking, yet Dragon Age 2 does it all the time.

The best RPG combat ever. Not gaming’s best story, but maybe its best storytelling. Darker, sexier, better. 94/100

 

[richman555]

This is the all time worst. Not sure I can consider it a review but still...

 

[trudderham]

Also PC Gamer Dragon Age 2 review

This. As someone who has never played Dragon Age, that review didn't make any sense, whatsoever. Did they play it and write the review while on drugs?

 

[Riposte]

I was going to make this thread, but oh well.

WALL OF SHAME

Chris Roper (IGN): GOD HAND (Partybabyz is better)
http://ps2.ign.com/articles/738/738253p1.html

Hilary Goldstein (IGN): Grand Theft Auto 4 (Oscar-worthy)
http://xbox360.ign.com/articles/869/869381p1.html

Jim Sterling (Destructoid): Vanquish (Formulaic and shitty controls!)
http://www.destructoid.com/review-vanquish-186214.phtml

Greg Tito (The Escapist): Dragon Age II (What videogames should be, not like this)
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/reviews/8701-Dragon-Age-II-Review

Incomplete entry: ??? (IGN): Football Manager 09 (You don't even play soccer!)
http://uk.pc.ign.com/articles/936/936295p1.html (non-review)


Have to add more.

 

[HK-47]

IGN - Jade Empire

Holy hyperbole, Batman

Also, the infamous Paper Mario 2 review in Game Informer.

 

[RadioHeadAche]

IGN's Deadly Premonition review, no contest.

http://xbox360.ign.com/articles/107/1070909p1.html

Yes the combat sucks, but it's one of the most unusual, memorable and enjoyable games I've ever played. It takes you to a place that is both wonderful and strange.

 

[Riposte]

IGN's Deadly Premonition review, no contest.

http://xbox360.ign.com/articles/107/1070909p1.html

That's funny because I'd say any reviewer who gave it a 10 belongs here. Touchy subject.

EDIT: Case in point: http://www.destructoid.com/review-deadly-premonition-165168.phtml

When we judge a game like this, how do we do it? Do we judge simply on gameplay? If so, the repetitive combat and long drives around town may very well mark it as a mediocre title. Do we judge it on story quality? If so, then we have a game that makes no sense and frequently makes light of murder and sexual deviancy. I say a game needs to be judged by how often it made you happy, how much you laughed or became excited, and how long you spend thinking about it after it was finished. If we judge it by those standards, then Deadly Premonition, my friends, is simply stunning. No other game has made me laugh so hard, laugh almost to the point of tears, laugh just by thinking about it. Deadly Premonition may well be the first game reviewed almost purely for its comedic value, but for a game so funny, it has to be done.

Comedy movie of the year > Vanquish.

 

[Infinitemadness]

Game Informer's 6.75 score of Paper Mario 2.

Here's the GAF thread about it http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18453

We've all played games that we personally disliked and scored them well because we've known that most people will like them, and we've also scored games low that we love, because most people won't enjoy them.

 

[Chromax]

That Gears of War one from 1up(?)

 

[Aaron]

Bleh, why dwell on the worst reviews? There are plenty of those. Instead, we should be celebrating the people who write ones worth reading. I put forward Brad Shoemaker of Giantbomb. While the whole staff write pretty solid reviews, Brad really nails them by being informative and eloquent, putting forth an almost legal case why a game achieves greatness or falls short. I never feel like he's missing something, even if I don't always agree with his conclusions.

 

[opticalmace]

Is there a saved copy of the Football Manager review? Shit I wanna read that again.

 

[Riposte]

I don't suppose Tim Rogers counts? He isn't factored in metacritic or anything... probably for the best. His nonsense would overflow the thread.

 

[Momo]

something, something, Football Manager

 

[Empty]

Goldstein's Dead Space 2 review on IGN. Man is clearly mentally under-developed.

came here to say this. though it was actually greg miller. the entire thing is so juvenile and i have no idea how it got past an editor.

here's some excerpts so people don't have to give them clicks to get the gist of it.

Dead Space 2 is an amazing game. I'm going to write about its scary moments, cool kills, and how much I dig the main character's internal struggle, but Dead Space 2 is about more than this. When I beat it for the first time, I sat on the couch with my heart racing and dissected the journey I had just taken. Then, I started my second playthrough, and when that was done, I jumped into a new game for the third time. Dead Space 2 is just that good.

Isaac's losing his mind in Dead Space 2. The guilt is tearing his very sanity apart. That's heavy stuff and it makes for a really engaging story.

As much fun as all that is, the “go here and do this” structure does hamper the overarching story. The part about Isaac wrestling his demons is awesome, but the narrative driving the search for the Marker is a bit flat in comparison. Different characters are just popping up to tell you to go there and do that.

My desire to jump back in really speaks to the shift in Isaac's perspective this time around. Some fans threw hissy fits when Visceral said that there'd be more action in Dead Space 2, but it works and I love it. Isaac feels like a badass here, and he should.

pulitzer worthy writing.

 

[bjaelke]

Is there a saved copy of the Football Manager review? Shit I wanna read that again.

From the original thread: http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=13925981&postcount=357

 

[Ushojax]

IGN MGS4.

10 Presentation
A story worthy of a feature length film, with action that keeps you engaged from the second you hit the start button 'til the final credits roll.

Most reviewers seem incapable of giving a big game a bad score, that's the big difference between this and other media. Music magazines or film reviewers won't be afraid to take a shit on a new Coldplay album or a Transformers movie, but the gaming equivalents always get a 7+ despite their frequent shitness. If you think MGS4 deserves a perfect score there is something wrong with you. None of the big outlets know what the fuck they are talking about most of the time.

 

[LabouredSubterfuge]

came here to say this. though it was actually greg miller. the entire thing is so juvenile and i have no idea how it got past an editor.

here's some excerpts so people don't have to give them clicks to get the gist of it.

pulitzer worthy writing.

Apologies for the error. Must have it in for Goldstein. Can't imagine why.

 

[Salazar]

Dead Space 2 is an amazing game. I'm going to write about its scary moments, cool kills, and how much I dig the main character's internal struggle, but Dead Space 2 is about more than this. When I beat it for the first time, I sat on the couch with my heart racing and dissected the journey I had just taken. Then, I started my second playthrough, and when that was done, I jumped into a new game for the third time. Dead Space 2 is just that good.

What a fucking outstandingly brazen lie.

 

[Fimbulvetr]

Also PC Gamer Dragon Age 2 review

Worse, the people you’ve wronged won’t necessarily target you. You’re all right, you’ve got knives as big as your arm and a pocket full of potions. Your mum, on the other hand, lives alone in a house in town. You’re off adventuring, and you can’t always be there to protect her. Wouldn’t it be safer just to stove this upstart’s face in now?

So much bull.

Spoiler

She dies in every kind of playthrough and not the way this guy is claiming.

 

[HK-47]

came here to say this. though it was actually greg miller. the entire thing is so juvenile and i have no idea how it got past an editor.

here's some excerpts so people don't have to give them clicks to get the gist of it.

pulitzer worthy writing.

Dude, its heavy stuff.

 

[Deleted member 74300]

http://www.elecplay.com/reviews/view/?article=411

You see, while there are 12 fat-heads to play with, four of which are hidden characters like Luigi or Captain Falcon (from StarFox)

lol

 

[Kabouter]

Yeah, another vote for the IGN Football Manager review. That was pretty hilarious.

 

[Sir_Crocodile]

Football manager forever.

 

[Dennis]

That review where the guy didn't understand what a Football Manager game is.

Just so ridiculous.


Honorable mentions:

Dragon Age 2 by The Escapist

Dragon Age 2 by PC Gamer

Crysis: Warhead by PC Gamer

 

[NewFresh]

A recent one is Joystq's Conduit 2 review.

http://www.joystiq.com/2011/05/03/conduit-2-review/

The game is not a good game but saying:

didn't spend much time in multiplayer, if only because the sheer thought of ingesting more of this game made me want to sob uncontrollably.

break out your N64 instead and replay Perfect Dark. Even that story makes more sense, and, to be honest ... the graphics are a little better.

I think they were going for comedic effect or something but it come off as mean spirited and unprofessional.

Also how did they think the ending was a negative? It is the highlight

 

[VibratingDonkey]

That Gears of War one from 1up(?)

The only problem with that review is that it's too good.

 

[Plinko]

The GTA IV previews and reviews were the first time I was fully convinced that companies were paying off reviewers. Those were ridiculous.

 

[coopolon]

Where else would you use the mouse in DMC4 except in the menus where it actually works?

Plenty of third person action games have managed to use the mouse just fine in their PC ports. Lack of mouse support seems like a perfectly valid complaint to me.

 

[babuchy]

I remember the 1up's review of wii music, where they scored with A- because its "suprising depth and flexibility"

http://www.1up.com/do/reviewPage?cId=3170709

 

[Ledsen]

That's funny because I'd say any reviewer who gave it a 10 belongs here. Touchy subject.

EDIT: Case in point: http://www.destructoid.com/review-deadly-premonition-165168.phtml



Comedy movie of the year > Vanquish.

Of course it's not a 10, that's a troll review. But a 2 is equally ridiculous.

 

[Dennis]

 

[beje]

The lack of review for Endless Ocean (Wii) "because you could not fail or die, therefore it's not a game". I don't remember the offender though.

 

[Flavius]

The only problem with that review is that it's too good.

icy what u did there

 

[Dennis]

 

[Plinko]

The lack of review for Endless Ocean (Wii) "because you could not fail or die, therefore it's not a game". I don't remember the offender though.

EGM back in their douchebag frat-boy humor days right before it shut down. The writing got so bad it read like a Maxim.

 

[beje]

bunch of bullshit

lol, that one is a classic.

 

[opticalmace]

http://www.abload.de/img/1upreview-gearsk8mo.jpg[/mg][/url][/QUOTE]
Prepare yourself.

 

[Oreoleo]

That Gears of War one from 1up(?)

Yup, that's the one I was thinking of too.

http://www.1up.com/reviews/gears-of-war_2

Basically spends the whole thing talking about what's wrong with it (controls, AI, dialogue, linearity, bad online etc) and still manages to give it an A+

What the fuck

[img/]http://www.abload.de/img/1upreview-gearsk8mo.jpg[/img]

Oh nice.