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[a posh hammer]

Gaming in the Clinton years!!!

I have to punch the wall every time i hear that guy's voice.

 

[leroy hacker]

Here's one I posted in an earlier edition of this thread:

It doesn't seem to be on the internet anymore, but Gamespot posted a negative review(something like 4.5 / 10) of Dragon Quest VII very shortly after its Japanese release. Had the reviewer actually gone without sleep to finish this 100+ hour game so quickly? From the review's text it was clear he did no such thing. The review only described aspects from the first few hours of the game, up to the first island with enemies, and mostly spoke in generalities about how archaic the game was. It did not mention either the game's extreme length or the job system.

Does anyone else remember this review?

 

[bj00rn_]

Here we go again..

And I guess the consensus will yet again end up to be that reviews are not meant to be one size fits all, but just single-peoples flawed opinions. And that the sum of all parts of a game reflected in the review score could in cases out-prioritize single flaws in the game. There is not necessarily a logical flaw in that.

In my humble opinion, odd crazy blog-morons aside, the quality of a review is dependent on the skills of the reviewer to create a colorful quality language flow at the same time keeping a certain level of coherency and clarity. Not the review score, not the out of context single words or sentences.

I also find it a bit strange that some people think that being enthusiastic in a review is a crime against humanity. If you're quantifying and being robot-rational while playing games, instead of just enjoying the experience, maybe you should find yourselves a new hobby.. ( j/k )

 

[FnordChan]

Time to dust off a classic. Here are Dave Halverson's thoughts on Cybermorph for the Atari Jaguar, from Die Hard Game Fan Magazine, Volume 2, Issue 1. Every effort has been made to preserve the original editing, or lack thereof.

After braving the stormy skies of New York city, Kid Fan emerged with the first Atari Jaguar awarded to a game publication. After ripping open the Fed Ex box, we all gathered around the first 64 bit game system and plunked in Cybermorph...I got to play. 24 hours later, long after everyone else (except for my trusty Quadra operator) had left I emerged, totally fulfilled, with the strange feeling that after playing video Games for 9 years I had just played the first "real one". No longer am I tied down to going from point A to point B, I could go anywhere, anytime, and interact with crafts and characters all over each of fifty planets, for as long as I wanted After rescuing my allotment of pods I can survey the world, taking out remaining enemies, playing with different viewpoints and examining structures. Each level is a different type of rescue mission requiring a completely new strategy than the last. Some moons are totally hostile while others require intense exploration and passive gameplay. I played for 3 hours to complete the first eight moons, then suprisingly met a boss on the ninth. At that point (I'm used to 16 bit games) I figured it was over. But I was wrong. Eight more appeared that required massive study to conquer. Then, after another twelve hours of engulfing gameplay, I reached the end once again, fought two huge gunships and figured, for sure, that was it. Again, I was wrong. Eight more planets appeared that I am still, two days later, studying.

It turns out that there are fifty planets! Making this game, one that doesn't even nick the hardware, the longest I have ever played. All 3D, all rendering on the fly, filled with vivid, brilliant colors and detailed polygon enemies, that seem aware of my presence - I am thrilled with this game. So now, for me the face of gaming has totally changed. Now, I must imagine games like this that make use of the Jag's full potential. Texture mapped, rendering on the fly RPGs are now possible - games with huge worlds to explore are on the horizon. Action, shooting, role playing, adventure, the Jag will have it all!No Putt, Putt's, no Bird's Life, just solid inventive 64-bit games from programmers with imagination. This game was made by ATD, who's ATD? Whoever they are, they sure know how to make games. They got inside my head and that's what it's all about. Will everyone who plays Cybermorph feel as I do?...probably not. There are those, (I've already met some), who will turn it on, fly in to a planet, think they're just playing another shooter, die for sure, and exclaim...this is 64 bit? To those boneheads - I must say; you have to look deeper than that, this is the first game! It was probably started before the 64 bit processor housed inside was even invented. Look at the creativity, the sound, the intelligence. Cybermorph has great music in the intro, but the game itself whispers only the surreal sounds of each planet. The sounds of the approaching missles, the rumblign of approaching transport vehicles, the hum of your thrusters, that's all you here and rightfully so - music would only interfere. In closing, I can only say that, with the Jaguar, Atari has won our support. The new machine is made here, is the highest quality I have seen so far and looks fantastic. Support? They will have it, because we will all own this system, at least most of our readers will. And you guys alone can spell success for a new system. Atari is back, come pet the cat.

FnordChan

 

[DICKS AHOY]

Gaming in the Clinton years!!!

Isn't there one review for a fighting game (I think Street Fighter Alpha) where he complains you can't jump into the background and talk to other characters?

Also remember his tips being hilariously retarded, though I can't entirely remember which reviews these quotes relate to: "Don't even try the higher difficulty settings because they're physically impossible!", "This version of Street Fighter 2 is much more fun since you can just keep spamming M. Bison's down kick to get through the arcade mode!", "Keep repeating this easy level to rack up lives since it is impossible to beat this next level without dying 20 times!" or my favorite, "This game is good, but it has too much gameplay."

 

[Wolf Akela]

Here's one I posted in an earlier edition of this thread:

It doesn't seem to be on the internet anymore, but Gamespot posted a negative review(something like 4.5 / 10) of Dragon Quest VII very shortly after its Japanese release. Had the reviewer actually gone without sleep to finish this 100+ hour game so quickly? From the review's text it was clear he did no such thing. The review only described aspects from the first few hours of the game, up to the first island with enemies, and mostly spoke in generalities about how archaic the game was. It did not mention either the game's extreme length or the job system.

Does anyone else remember this review?

That must be a very very long time ago. Even the 2003 archive shows good score.

 

[Acosta]

Time to dust off a classic. Here are Dave Halverson's thoughts on Cybermorph for the Atari Jaguar, from Die Hard Game Fan Magazine, Volume 2, Issue 1. Every effort has been made to preserve the original editing, or lack thereof.



FnordChan

I guess you know the legend of that review, right?

Let's say you need an extra add-on to appreciate the game at that level.

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

IGN MGS4.

Most reviewers seem incapable of giving a big game a bad score, that's the big difference between this and other media. Music magazines or film reviewers won't be afraid to take a shit on a new Coldplay album or a Transformers movie, but the gaming equivalents always get a 7+ despite their frequent shitness. If you think MGS4 deserves a perfect score there is something wrong with you. None of the big outlets know what the fuck they are talking about most of the time.

MGS4 is unarguable the best game of this generation. Sorry if the awesome went over your head. May you be trolled with MGS4 propaganda and may it annoy you as long as you live.

10/10 - FOREVER.




Seriously, there is nothing wrong with that quote. Saying MGS4 having a story worth of a feature film, does not mean they are saying it's the best ever. It just meant it had a narrative worthy of a feature film. Many feature films have shitty stories, so depending on how you read it, there is nothing wrong with the statement.

Any plot sucks around these parts. You constantly hear bitching about everything from MGS to Witcher 2 in terms of story. There is no good stories. Only Silent Hill 2 and perhaps Chrono Trigger if they FF7 kids are sleeping. The rest is bad because it ain't books or The Wire, or some hipster scribble they read one day at a mens room.

 

[kpx0]

1up's nier review

pretty much any review on destructoid
pretty much every review on gamefaqs/ign that gives a 0/10 or a 10/10 score

 

[DryvBy]

http://www.elecplay.com/reviews/view/?article=411



lol

Lol, wow. Just because his name is Falcon, I guess? Just lol.

 

[PhatSaqs]

http://www.gaming-age.com/cgi-bin/reviews/review.pl?sys=xbox&game=ninjagaiden

 

[Patryn]

I'd throw in the infamous GFW Neverwinter Nights 2 review that Jeff Green had to retract after it was pointed out that reviewer decided to use the space to complain about D&D and computer RPGs in general instead of ever talking about the actual game. He then gives it a terrible score but adds that fans of D&D could probably mentally add a few points.

Here's a Joystiq (I know) link about the review, which contains the full text.

 

[Ushojax]

Seriously, there is nothing wrong with that quote. Saying MGS4 having a story worth of a feature film, does not mean they are saying it's the best ever. It just meant it had a narrative worthy of a feature film. Many feature films have shitty stories, so depending on how you read it, there is nothing wrong with the statement.

No feature film has a story as bad as MGS4s, not without irony. No feature film lasts 15 hours for a start.

 

[beastmode]

IGN MGS4.

Most reviewers seem incapable of giving a big game a bad score, that's the big difference between this and other media. Music magazines or film reviewers won't be afraid to take a shit on a new Coldplay album or a Transformers movie, but the gaming equivalents always get a 7+ despite their frequent shitness. If you think MGS4 deserves a perfect score there is something wrong with you. None of the big outlets know what the fuck they are talking about most of the time.

This. And pretty much all the other MGS4 reviews.

The only place I could find any decent opinions on the game was GFW Radio.

 

[Ra1den]

MGS4 is unarguable the best game of this generation. Sorry if the awesome went over your head. May you be trolled with MGS4 propaganda and may it annoy you as long as you live.

10/10 - FOREVER.




Seriously, there is nothing wrong with that quote. Saying MGS4 having a story worth of a feature film, does not mean they are saying it's the best ever. It just meant it had a narrative worthy of a feature film. Many feature films have shitty stories, so depending on how you read it, there is nothing wrong with the statement.

Any plot sucks around these parts. You constantly hear bitching about everything from MGS to Witcher 2 in terms of story. There is no good stories. Only Silent Hill 2 and perhaps Chrono Trigger if they FF7 kids are sleeping. The rest is bad because it ain't books or The Wire, or some hipster scribble they read one day at a mens room.

Yup, agreed, that review was just fine. Giving a game a 10/10 does not mean it is absolutely flawless...otherwise no game would ever get a 10. MGS4 may not be as good as earlier MGS titles, but it's still the best game this gen.

 

[PepsimanVsJoe]

We're never going to have a thread dedicated to good reviews are we?

Oh well.

 

[Mr_eX]

Jim Sterling's Assassin's Creed 2 review.

 

[Acosta]

Jim Sterling

Fixed.

 

[digita1alchemy]

Ironically, I bet IGN loves their awful God Hand review because it continues to generate hits even 5 years later, thanks in part to threads like this.

 

[beastmode]

Yup, agreed, that review was just fine. Giving a game a 10/10 does not mean it is absolutely flawless...otherwise no game would ever get a 10. MGS4 may not be as good as earlier MGS titles, but it's still the best game this gen.

Sure, if all the games you play are made in Japan.

 

[PooBone]

IGN's Deadly Premonition review was pretty terrible. I'm pretty sure they never played past the first chapter.

 

[Ahoi-Brause]

No feature film has a story as bad as MGS4s, not without irony. No feature film lasts 15 hours for a start.

Oh I can think of quite a few to be honest.

 

[Ilias78]

Whatever Shane Satterfield writes is pure piss.

 

[plagiarize]

nothing wrong with Dan's Gears review when you A: read the whole review and B: understand that no game is perfect and that EGM always clearly stated that 10/10 didn't mean the game was flawless.

this gamespy AvP review is hilarious.

i know a lot of people didn't think it was that good, (i enjoyed it) so when i saw the score i thought 'oh, the person who posted this mustn't get that most people didn't like it' but then i started reading it.

the first sentence...

I don't understand why they even put humans in these Aliens vs. Predator games.

and near the end

Worse, the sound design is wholly lifted from the movies, from gun sounds to alien hisses

yeah. they got the wrong guy to write that review.

 

[PooBone]

MGS4 is unarguable the best game of this generation. Sorry if the awesome went over your head. May you be trolled with MGS4 propaganda and may it annoy you as long as you live.

10/10 - FOREVER.




Seriously, there is nothing wrong with that quote. Saying MGS4 having a story worth of a feature film, does not mean they are saying it's the best ever. It just meant it had a narrative worthy of a feature film. Many feature films have shitty stories, so depending on how you read it, there is nothing wrong with the statement.

Any plot sucks around these parts. You constantly hear bitching about everything from MGS to Witcher 2 in terms of story. There is no good stories. Only Silent Hill 2 and perhaps Chrono Trigger if they FF7 kids are sleeping. The rest is bad because it ain't books or The Wire, or some hipster scribble they read one day at a mens room.

I would never agree that it's the best game of this generation, nor would I say it's the best MGS game, or even second best, but it is a great game. Far from "unarguable." A 10/10 I would not argue with. Everyone has their opinions and for someone to say they love it... it's not like they're talking about Brute Force or something.

 

[giggas]

Time to dust off a classic. Here are Dave Halverson's thoughts on Cybermorph for the Atari Jaguar, from Die Hard Game Fan Magazine, Volume 2, Issue 1. Every effort has been made to preserve the original editing, or lack thereof.



FnordChan

It's hard to believe that this is the game he's talking about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVwo-PPlAmQ

Totally forgot that the AVGN did an amazing episode involving this game and the green face.

 

[Lard]

IGN's review of Legend of Mana that spends the entire thing bitching that it isn't Secret of Mana.

Gamespot's review of Silent Hill 2. "It's a disjointed narrative" (Bullshit!)

Gamespot's (Greg Kasavin's) review of Devil May Cry 3 - "It's too hard"

 

[Crazymoogle]

I wish I could find that old PC Gamer review of Wheel of Time (PC). Classic case of Libel as I recall.

Also, note to Sega: never let EGM review two Sonic titles in one issue. It will not advance the Sonic cycle.

 

[Tain]

I like this one a bunch.

http://www.outofprintarchive.com/articles/reviews/Dreamcast/GigaWing-DreamcastMagazine14-1.html

dodging all the bullets thrown at you is a sheer impossibility and dying is the only way to continue. When games force you to die simply for the sake of some hectic action, we just have to stand up and protest.

Scrubs gonna scrub. And misunderstand scrub-unfriendly games, to the surprise of no one.

 

[Sadist]

IGN's Fire Emblem Radiant Dawn review.

It has no Mii Support! What's up with that!?

 

[Sn4ke_911]

I hope we can soon add OPM's Alice: Madness Returns 5/10 review. I doubt this game is THAT bad.

 

[Fersis]

I dont remember which site it was but they gave MvC3 a low rating because it doesnt have unlockable costumes.

 

[DryvBy]

Only thing I really got is Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 on PS2 was rated a 10 on GameSpot. Made no sense. Wasn't a bad game, but not a 10. And that's from the Greg Bomb himself.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

To be fair, Dead Space 2 is awesome and badass

Spoiler

IMO

.

But seriously "guilt is tearing his very sanity apart" is just so damn funny every time. I loved the review because of how much I laughed during it.

I'm fairly sure he was dead serious too. Which made it funnier.

Oh wow, all these reviews being posted in here are awful, but it's just so fun reading them.

 

[Confidence Man]

MW2 PC review at IGN:

Seeing as it's the same core experience, however, we are reviewing it as such, and the game should be looked at as the same value and overall package as any other console.

Never mind comparing it to other PC games (like CoD4) which have more features like dedicated servers, since it has the same features as the console version it gets the same score.

http://pc.ign.com/articles/104/1043744p3.html

 

[Angry Fork]

Lots of stuff at Gametrailers. IGN is sometimes annoying as well, when it comes to highly anticipated games it's like the critic side of their brain goes out the window and they just gush over presentation of the game rather than the meat and potatoes ie GTA4.

 

[malfcn]

Nier, trying to fish..in the wrong spot for hours.

 

[Rich!]

Only thing I really got is Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 on PS2 was rated a 10 on GameSpot. Made no sense. Wasn't a bad game, but not a 10. And that's from the Greg Bomb himself.

I'd rate it a 10. One of my favourite games of all time, and the best in the skateboarding genre imo.

 

[cagelessrat]

It's hard to believe that this is the game he's talking about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVwo-PPlAmQ

Totally forgot that the AVGN did an amazing episode involving this game and the green face.

Supposedly, (according to the Internet) he was on LSD while playing that game. That may have affected his objectivity.

 

[giggas]

Supposedly, (according to the Internet) he was on LSD while playing that game. That may have affected his objectivity.

Yikes. I had heard that story myself but didn't realize it was his Cybermorph review. Reading that review, I'm inclined to think that maybe those rumors are true.

 

[scy]

The Adventures of Fight and Heal springs to mind, though I can't seem to find the review anymore. Probably for the better, I suppose.

 

[Lazy Jones]

Any review of a shoot em up that complains about how the game can be finished in only twenty minutes. Ofcourse by credit feeding too.

 

[DryvBy]

I'd rate it a 10. One of my favourite games of all time, and the best in the skateboarding genre imo.

I liked it too, but when you unlocked the surfer dude as a skaterboarder... I felt the game lost it's touch. Not a 10.

 

[mik]

Gerstmann's Kane & Lynch video review for Gamespot was a lazy, sloppy piece of garbage. I might have fired him for that, too.

 

[Guerrillas in the Mist]

To be fair, Dead Space 2 is awesome and badass

Spoiler

IMO

.

But seriously "guilt is tearing his very sanity apart" is just so damn funny every time. I loved the review because of how much I laughed during it.

I'm fairly sure he was dead serious too. Which made it funnier.

Oh wow, all these reviews being posted in here are awful, but it's just so fun reading them.

To be fair, I think it's a great game, and very replayable like he says in the review. But it doesn't excuse a professional journalist writing with the ability of a 10-year old.

 

[SatelliteOfLove]

Etrian Odyssey 1

Game Informer.

Fight and Heal.

Never forget.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

To be fair, I think it's a great game, and very replayable like he says in the review. But it doesn't excuse a professional journalist writing with the ability of a 10-year old.

Oh, I'm in complete agreement with you here. I just found the article really funny because it's very unprofessional.

 

[Lard]

Nier, trying to fish..in the wrong spot for hours.

Thank you, I'd forgotten about that.

 

[Vorg]

IGN's review of Hydro Thunder Hurricane. Because all of the complaints are bullshit and outright lies. I really don't know how they let something this unprofessional slip by.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6pVriyn_O0

Youtube comments are awesome though.

 

[sixteen-bit]

ign's godhand is still super awful