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[mclem]

The Adventures of Fight and Heal springs to mind, though I can't seem to find the review anymore. Probably for the better, I suppose.

To be fair, I forgive that review a lot for the epic PR it gave us down the line.

 

[GitarooMan]

IGN's review of Hydro Thunder Hurricane. Because all of the complaints are bullshit and outright lies. I really don't know how they let something this unprofessional slip by.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6pVriyn_O0

Youtube comments are awesome though.

This review really annoyed me at the time as well, pretty terrible.

 

[kokujin]

Etrian Odyssey 3 Review from IGN


It's the worst review I've seen on IGN.

 

[Empyrean Heaven]

Pretty much all the reviews for the PS2 version of RE4, especially OPM's (I don't have a link). If I remember correctly, they said that it was by far a superior version to that of the GameCube since the PS2 was "clearly the platform it was meant to be played on", since the GameCube was for kids and all that.

Also, not really a review, but Morgan Webb's criticism of the 3DS's mature library because it should be on the 360/PS3/PSP because she could "get more out of those games" rubbed me the wrong way.

 

[NinjaBoiX]

Yup, agreed, that review was just fine. Giving a game a 10/10 does not mean it is absolutely flawless...otherwise no game would ever get a 10. MGS4 may not be as good as earlier MGS titles, but it's still the best game this gen.

So, not only is MGS4 better than every other game this Gen (already so far wrong it's not even funny. It's barely a game for a start, considering the pad doesn't get used for well over half the run time) but the earlier titles are even more all-conquering? Can MGS fans really not see the utterly glaring flaws with format of watch-watch-watch a bit more-play!-now watch-and a bit more...
In a medium so dependant on the interactive nature of its products, I really struggle to understand the love for that franchise. I suppose the story is an aquired taste, but the gameplay is so overwhelmed and stifled with Kojima's constant, "hang on a sec, I need to tell you something" that all sense of flow and immersion is out the window for me. And the mechanics always leave something to be desired. I dunno, the MGS games always just seem so archaic and over-indulgent to me, nowhere near as slick and clever as they think they are.

 

[jluedtke]

I like this one a bunch.

http://www.outofprintarchive.com/articles/reviews/Dreamcast/GigaWing-DreamcastMagazine14-1.html

Scrubs gonna scrub. And misunderstand scrub-unfriendly games, to the surprise of no one.

This one needs to be pointed out just to make sure that those to chuckleheads either never get a job reviewing games again, or are fired from their current game-writing jobs for past transgressions.

 

[Ledsen]

Let me guess, review sucks becuase he doesn't pretend that the game is actually a classic, and people who don't realise this are idiots. "But GAF loves it! Everyone else are narrow-minded fools!". Read the review, he was spot on. The game is a complete trainwreck, and not even the "humour" could save it. Beyond bad, the worst boxed retail game I've played this Gen.
Opinions never really bother me, reviews are inherently subjective, but when a review gets aspects wrong, and critisises said game for these wrongly assessed aspects, that really annoys me.

Nice straw man mate.

 

[NinjaBoiX]

Nice straw man mate.

Aww, thanks man. Really means a lot.
To be fair, now that I read it back, it wasn't exactly on topic, and I'll apoligise for that, but I stand by my post, DP is awful. I know the consensus on GAF seems to be that it's a misunderstood classic, but it's not.
It's just pants.

 

[Tain]

I can't trust someone that can call Deadly Premonition a great game. It really is more of a cute novelty than anything else.

 

[itzknickknac]

Mana Khemia: Student Alliance (Genre: RPG)
http://psp.ign.com/articles/962/962430p1.html

Rating Description
out of 10 Click here for ratings guide
2.0 Presentation
Dear sweet Lordy, I haven't played a game this busted in a long, long time -- and it's my job to play all the crap nobody else in the office will touch.
4.0 Graphics
When things actually finish loading up, the sprites look quite nice in-battle. Unfortunately, the framerate even in small rooms can turn to absolute crap.
6.0 Sound
Unlike Jeff, I thought the voice acting was strictly C-grade -- even for anime -- and the music, normally a solid fallback for Gust's games, is wholly forgettable.
2.5 Gameplay
If you can stomach spending half your time looking at load screens, the Sphere Grid-like character progression and item crafting can be quite fun. That's a big if, though.
6.0 Lasting Appeal
The battle system continually evolves, leveling up characters is interesting and there's a TON of stuff to craft, but you'll have to suffer through interminable load times when you do any of it.
2.7 Painful
OVERALL (out of 10)

At bold- This guy obviously hates his job and would rather play Little Big Planet instead of reviewing a simple game. He needs to stop complaining or quit.

His review is full of whining. I really don't agree with his score/review and I look at games from a neutral standpoint.

 

[tiff]

Oh there's also that old Gamespot review of Fire Emblem Radiant Dawn where the guy complained about Mii support and other dumb shit

Outside of the Mii support and excessive whining over the difficulty (I wouldn't even say it's the hardest FE released in America, let alone the hardest one overall) his complaints weren't really unfair.

 

[scy]

Mana Khemia: Student Alliance (Genre: RPG)
http://psp.ign.com/articles/962/962430p1.html

While I don't really agree with some of the complaints with the game itself, I really only remember one standout from the PSP port of Mana Khemia: it turned on. It was an utterly dismal port otherwise.

He actually seems like he enjoyed Mana Khemia (PS2); the PSP port just killed his will to live.

Etrian Odyssey 3 Review from IGN

It's the worst review I've seen on IGN.

Oh lord, I had forgotten this one. "I made basically the worst group possible and fail." Pfft. Even then, if I could do an all Farmer playthrough, you should manage with basically any other group.

 

[VeryGooster]

Immediately thought of IGN's Dead Space 2 review, which reads like a seventh grader's "What I did on my summer vacation" essay.

I've read Jim Sterling's reviews for Vanquish and Assassin's Creed 2. I cannot stand this in some game reviews: if you need to lace your review with profanity every other sentence, you have no business writing anything on a 'professional' level. Yeah, cue 'games journalism lol' whatever...

 

[Curufinwe]

IGN's review of Hydro Thunder Hurricane. Because all of the complaints are bullshit and outright lies. I really don't know how they let something this unprofessional slip by.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6pVriyn_O0

The Arthur Gies effect in full force.

 

[Moofers]

RE: Dave Halverson's "Cyber Morph" review

Is the "add on" you guys are talking about the LSD? Or was that a hint at some kind of payoff from the publisher? (free jaguars, hookers, blow, etc.)

I totally had Cyber Morph back in the day (came with the system) and thought it was fun, but his review is really something else. That dude has always been a character though. Anyone remember his two-page spread for Golden Axe Beast Rider where he sings its praises? Or how he loved every Sonic game no matter what?

 

[Nocturnowl]

Do console-specific magazines like Nintendo Power or ONM count as 'professional'? Because the amount of times I've noticed reading through a younger cousin's copy or looking through my own backlog of NP's and seem some weirdass logic being applied to reviews such as Sonic and the Black Knight getting a good review while DKCR gets accused of stealing the concept of co-op from NSMBWii is also pretty grating, though there aren't too many reviews that standout.

Hell I remember something like I think DKC3 for the GBA (not an amazing game, but the reasons I think ONM gave for it being 'meh' read like it was written by a high-schooler) getting a low score because 'elephants getting scared by mice is gay, lol fat bitch (?)'. I think that was in a period though where a lot of Nintendo focused publications tried throwing in a ton of SWEAR WORDS OH MY to try and appear edgy while the GCN copped a lot of flak for seeming 'kiddy'.

ONM is the British magazine right? Hold on a sec......right after some rummaging I found the review

- Review opens with the complaint that ladybirds can kill you because ladybirds don't kill Apes. Guess we should dock points from Mario because he can get done in by armless mushrooms

- Kiddy Kong's death animation is a tantrum, this is a negative point against the game because such things aren't funny or charming anymore.

- The previously mentioned Elephant being scared of mice point is indeed here minus the slur. No mention of how it ties into a level gimmick but commentary on how it was clearly some kind of unfunny joke.

- "Fat bitch" comment is about the graphics, what was once good is now bad. You could just say they didn't age well but damn it that isn't edgy enough!

But NOM (not to be confused with the current ONM) is a goldmine of half assed reviews anyway. If they didn't care for the game you didn't get anything close to a review, like Wrestling game reviews which were always handled by the guy who hates wrestling. Seems like a good idea for judging the actual gameplay without fanboyism right? actually you get paragraphs of "WRESTLING IS FAKE!", "Why can't I throw a hadouken?" and "men in pants? *insert homophobic statement*". Classy.

 

[megalowho]

Jim Sterling's Assassin's Creed 2 review.

The more petty, insulting and insecure Jim acts in the comments, the worse the review usually is. Though I've pretty much stopped reading what he has to say altogether, even for entertainment purposes, and I can't say I miss it.

 

[Wolves Evolve]

Don't think this is worth its own thread, but:

joeljohnson: Kotaku will not be covering Warner Bros. video games for the next 3 months due their use of NDAs to lock in exclusives with other outlets.

Good on them if its true.

 

[SamBishop]

This is the most wrong, stupid review I've ever read.

http://uk.ps3.ign.com/articles/918/918890p1.html - IGN's SARPBC review.

It basically says that the game sucks because it's too hard, and no-one will ever master it.

"I can understand the reasoning behind it, of course; nobody wants to play a languid game where half the players are methodically waiting for their shot while the others either apply enough boost to go supersonic and ram into you, destroying you in the process, or just take a dozen shots on goal until something goes in. Unfortunately, all that does is create a sort of randomized chaos where the right player at the right time will often just charge into the ball head-on and score a goal."

And a few months later players were doing this "/

While it's completely understandable that you took offense to my take on the game, how is any part of what I wrote factually incorrect as of the time the game was out? Simply put, trying to control a vehicle with 360 degree movement in a 360 space while trying to hit a ball at an angle that will send it where you want takes weeks of practice.

That's simply not accessible and while I completely understand that you were able to get those controls down and pull off some amazing shots -- again, as I mentioned in the first paragraph, the Psyonix guys stopped by the show me the game and what they did was amazing -- the amount of dedication and sense of complete randomness means those of us who weren't willing to spend dozens of hours to get things down just simply aren't going to be able to play well with those that did. There's a massive disconnect between the skill levels needed for really high-level play, and I will fully admit that those shots are indeed incredible and must feel amazing when they actually go in.

I scored the game the way I did because at the time there were some serious latency issues (that apparently were patched out, which is fantastic, and sadly I believe it's IGN's policy not to go back and re-review a game after its patched unless it's an MMO, but I haven't written anything for them in over a year), and the controls made it extremely difficult to get into unless you really spent a ton of time playing the game (the slo-mo mini-game gave a tantalizing glimpse into what it must be like for you guys).

People clearly have gone a long way toward "mastering" it, but in your own words, it took months. However, "master", "sucks" or "too hard" were never used in the review -- quite the opposite, in fact. The game doesn't suck, but it requires a kind of dedication that leaves it well outside the norm for most players, and there is absolutely nothing more dedication-killing than trying to learn how to play the game against people that have already spent dozens of hours to do it.

So how, exactly, is that wrong or stupid?

Again, while I understand you liked it, something isn't factually incorrect because it goes against your own feelings on a game.

 

[CoffeeJanitor]

Game Informer: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door

I wish I had the link to the original review, but trust me, it was essentially about 5 paragraphs of saying the game was too kiddy and other bullshit like that. I'm pretty sure he said something along the lines of "it's just as bad as Paper Mario 1" as well.

And then this happened. The reviewer posted his excuse on the GI-forums.

Lisa and I both knew that our Paper Mario scores were going to cause controversy. Yes, we know that many people out there will love it. We also know that it is a well-made game. However, it also WILL NOT appeal to many people - I would safely say that more people will dislike it than like it. Why? Like we said in the review, it's a very kiddie game - it's target audience is clearly young gamers - I would say 10 and under. For that reason, we had to score it low. Remember, we aren't scoring games strictly on our personal opinions, we're also scoring them based on how much we think THE GAMING PUBLIC will like them. We've all played games that we personally disliked and scored them well because we've known that most people will like them, and we've also scored games low that we love, because most people won't enjoy them.

FOr example, I really like the bizarre frog golf game Ribbit King, and I gave it a 7, because it's just not for everyone. Paper Mario 2 also scored low because it's just not for everyone. If you think it's a 10 in your book, it's a ten in your book, and that doesn't change if we disagree. We're here to guide you on what games to pick up, but ultimately your personal opinion is what will make you buy a game or not.

I hope this helps.

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18453

 

[babyghost853]

This. Nothing will ever beat this.

 

[elohel]

every review for gta IV

 

[NinjaBoiX]

Nice straw man mate.

I'll be honest, I didn't know what a "straw man" was, so my glib reply was just a slightly embarassed cover. However, I'd advise you to look it up before you try to use it again...

 

[Air Zombie Meat]

One thats always stuck in my head was the old edge review of Doom where the reviewer complains that you can't talk to the monsters. lol

Also the ign? fire emblem review where the reviewer complains about no mii integration. Bunch of clowns.

 

[nckillthegrimace]

http://www.1up.com/reviews/yakuza-3-review

Check out some of these choice excerpts, and then remember that someone was paid to write this.

All right, let's get this over with: yes, Yakuza 3 is missing some elements that its Japanese version has; removals that range from understandable (the shogi mini-game), to not-so-understandable (mahjong), to out-and-out tragic (a Princess Maker-esque sub-game in which you manage Hostess Club girls). And yes, the game is indubitably the lesser for their omission. But so what? Unless you speak Japanese, the other version might as well not exist for you. And if you're all butt-hurt about not having the same stuff as the kids across the Pacific, I hear you, but please believe me when I say that if you allow that butt-hurtedness to prevent you from buying and playing this game, you fail at life and will never have sex. Yeah, I said it. Because it's true. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Basically: in a deliciously "oh, heeeeeeeeeell no" setup, Kazuma has given up his gangster ways to run an orphanage in Okinawa. But evil politicians in Tokyo want to close it down and replace it with the ultimate Japanese bogeyman: an American military base! Time to kick some Tokyo ass fo' tha shoteez, y'all!

Heck, you can even take girls on dates and end up schtupping them at a love hotel (although this is not shown directly, so have no fear that little Johnny will be traumatized for life by seeing some digital snoobins).

This dovetails with another foible: the too-high rate of random encounters, to take you from "alllllll riiiiiiight" to "ffffffffffuuuuuu----" quite rapidly, as you scour the city trying desperately to find that frickin' Okinawan lion statue for those God-damned mainlanders.

But, come on, these quibbles shouldn't stop you from playing Yakuza 3 any more than the toothpick in a sandwich stops you from eating it. Let me reiterate: this is a fantastic game, with so much fun to throw your way you'd think you were playing wide receiver with Santa Claus as QB. Buy it, and may the soles of your white, crocodile-skin shoes always find the upturned noses of those who underestimated you.

 

[TriniTrin]

The video review from IGN for Rift is only 3 min long.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7iMZjIKKjM

Makes me laugh as I would think that an MMO would have enough content for a little more than 3 minutes worth of review.

 

[CecilRousso]

http://darkzero.co.uk/game-news/ign-removes-210-football-manager-review-and-apologises/

Yes, the depth of management in this game is impressive. But, it’s not impressive enough to make up for the fact that you aren’t actually playing soccer.

[..]

There is no traditional gameplay to speak of. I couldn’t imagine why anybody would prefer Worldwide Soccer Manager to FIFA 09 or Pro Evolution Soccer 2009

[..]

As far as traditional gameplay goes, there really isn’t any in Worldwide Soccer Manager 2009. Apart from managing your roster and coaching your team, there really isn’t anything to do at all.

 

[Mr_PinkFloyd]

This. Nothing will ever beat this.

Yes, nothing will ever beat that GOW review

But speaking of WTF reviews, many years ago, the Mexican official Nintendo Magazine reviewed STAR CRAFT GHOST for the GC, no PREVIEW, an actual REVIEW with scores and everything

Lets see if i can find a scan....

 

[Dead Man Typing]

Eurogamer's review of RE4 Wii Edition, nearly made me not buy the game (for the third time).

http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/resident-evil-4-wii-edition-review

It's just you won't be able to aim quickly or with precision, so it's slightly more difficult to enjoy Resident Evil 4 on the Wii.

If anything, the Wii controls are too precise. How anyone could say differently confuses me. Not the worst review ever but it does stick out in my mind because RE4 is one of the greatest games ever, by almost any standard, and misdirecting people away from the definitive version seems like a gaming-crime.

Obviously the 7/10 score doesn't help, but this isn't about scores.

 

[sublimit]

Are Kotaku and Destructoid considered as professionals?Because they sure have the worst ones!
This one especially is a true gem:http://www.destructoid.com/review-the-witcher-2-assassins-of-kings-201752.phtml

 

[SapientWolf]

Gerstmann's Kane & Lynch video review for Gamespot was a lazy, sloppy piece of garbage. I might have fired him for that, too.

To be fair, so was the game.

 

[Tucah]

Mana Khemia: Student Alliance (Genre: RPG)
http://psp.ign.com/articles/962/962430p1.html



At bold- This guy obviously hates his job and would rather play Little Big Planet instead of reviewing a simple game. He needs to stop complaining or quit.

His review is full of whining. I really don't agree with his score/review and I look at games from a neutral standpoint.

To his credit it is an awful port.

 

[mollipen]

I think the situation with stuff like Dan's Gears of War review or the reviews of Deadly Premonition are, do you give a final score based on point-to-point factors of the game, or are you giving that score as an overall representation of the good (or bad) experience that you had with the game?

One great example for me is Lux Pain on DS. The English translation was horrible, and if I just went down a list of points, gave each a score, and then tallied a final score, I would be giving it a lower score (let's just say, for example, a 5 or a 6). If I simply scored the game depending on how much I enjoyed the experience - beyond its good and bad points - I might give it a 7 or an 8.

Some of my favorite games ever have horribly broken aspect to them. Silent Hill 2, a game I adore, is really kind of a shitty game if we're being honest here. Same with the original, which I also love dearly. I spent a ridiculous amount of hours with Phantasy Star Online, but man that game was a mess in a lot of ways.

So, you know, I can totally understand how you review Gears of War, point out a lot of flaws, and then give it an A+. I think what's direly important, though, is that your organization have a standardized decision on that. I have the feeling that 1up wasn't that way, and they were more "the score is the final grade of all points" kind of thing, so that's where something like that Gears of War review can feel so off the mark.

 

[RustyNails]

Anything and everything by Jim Sterling.

 

[sublimit]

Anything and everything by Jim Sterling.

Biggest troll ever.

 

[Ledsen]

I'll be honest, I didn't know what a "straw man" was, so my glib reply was just a slightly embarassed cover. However, I'd advise you to look it up before you try to use it again...

I know what it is. Your post was basically "So you think it's a bad review, huh? I bet THIS and THIS and THIS is why you think that! Well let me tell you, you're wrong!" Thus, a straw man.

I can't trust someone that can call Deadly Premonition a great game. It really is more of a cute novelty than anything else.

I wouldn't necessarily call it a great game. I would, however, call it one of the most ambitious and interesting ones this generation. Certainly worthy of much more attention than it has gotten, and less ridicule. The reason I called out the IGN review was because his whole review focuses on the technical and gameplay shortcomings, while basically ignoring the things that the game actually does well, and the areas where its ambitions lie (the story flow, the characters, the town itself). I'd be pretty surprised if he actually finished the game. From his comments, it's also obvious that he never understood that you can press start to skip certain animations and info screens, or that fast travel is available if you do a certain sidequest (which is available very early in the game).

 

[SamBishop]

To his credit it is an awful port.

Probably the worst I've ever seen. It is absolutely abysmal, and I stand by my whining of having to put up with it. Nobody should have.

 

[Curufinwe]

Eurogamer's review of RE4 Wii Edition, nearly made me not buy the game (for the third time).

http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/resident-evil-4-wii-edition-review

If anything, the Wii controls are too precise. How anyone could say differently confuses me. Not the worst review ever but it does stick out in my mind because RE4 is one of the greatest games ever, by almost any standard, and misdirecting people away from the definitive version seems like a gaming-crime.

Obviously the 7/10 score doesn't help, but this isn't about scores.

I actually prefer playing RE 4 with the GC pad, but the Wii remote makes the actual shooting extremely accurate (making the shooting gallery stages a total breeze) so this review really did get it wrong.

 

[amorbis]

Maybe not the worst review, but this guy likes his use of hyperbole.

"This is the game Metroid fans have waited decades for."

"It features breathtaking visuals and a rich storyline that will keep you guessing until the very end."

Talk about cliche. I was bored 3 minutes in.

 

[XiaNaphryz]

Final version, because I am tired and lazy.

Why are you stooping to the level of the reviewers everyone here are complaining about? Do you really want to be tired and lazy just like them?

 

[Danny Dudekisser]

Well there's two things that stand out to me immediately. More recently, the tranny video review of LA Noire at Gamespot. Very awkward.

And this:

 

[linko9]

I think this has been posted but... (giga wing 2)

http://www.gamecritics.com/node/3231

If you can't convince a five-year old kid who loves videogames to play, you know that can't be good.

Sound logic. Really, almost any mainstream shmup review would fit in this topic. It's as if John Madden is trying to commentate a figure-skating competition.

 

[Vicetrailia]

The worst journalism I have ever seen is when the countless reviewers said that Halo 3 had a good story.

 

[sotodefonk]

wow, reading all the opinions about mana khemia for psp, made me want to play the ps2 version of that game... I played it on the PSP and i really liked... I suppose its because I dont know how much better the original version is...

 

[mollipen]

Well there's two things that stand out to me immediately. More recently, the tranny video review of LA Noire at Gamespot. Very awkward.

I give this post a 5 out of 5 in the "being a douche" category.

And this:

Except that isn't a review.

 

[water_wendi]

I'd throw in the infamous GFW Neverwinter Nights 2 review that Jeff Green had to retract after it was pointed out that reviewer decided to use the space to complain about D&D and computer RPGs in general instead of ever talking about the actual game. He then gives it a terrible score but adds that fans of D&D could probably mentally add a few points.

Here's a Joystiq (I know) link about the review, which contains the full text.

Thats what i was going to say.

Well there's two things that stand out to me immediately. More recently, the tranny video review of LA Noire at Gamespot. Very awkward.

Wow.

 

[linko9]

Except that isn't a review.

That is perhaps the strangest thing I've seen in a while, if it's real. Do you know what exactly it is?

 

[Lord_Nergal]

Goldstein's Dead Space 2 review on IGN. Man is clearly mentally under-developed.

That was Greg Miller.

 

[WrenchNinja]

There was an online game that caused a big hubbub on GAF due to a Eurogamer reviewer not actually playing it online which the developer proved. The review had factual inaccuracies and a low score to boot.

Though the name totally escapes me.

 

[Man God]

I'm glad someone brought up the XBOX IGN review of Jade Empire, but honestly it could go for just about every major release for the old OXBOX on that site.

9.7 for Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball??? Even reading the review it sounds like a 7 or 8 at most. They make the game sound like the most interesting thing in the world when the titular game is shallow as all hell distraction for a mediocre dating sim/model viewer.