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Who would win? Chimpanzee vs. Martial Artist

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The first google search result for 'chimp rip dick' is this thread, so IDK. But it sure seems like a terrifying and real possibility.

Another gem that pops up: link to a Youtube video titled "Does Dr. Zaius From "Planet Of The Apes" Have A Chimp Dick?"
 
Finaika said:
I'm curious as well.

Are there an abundance of news of chimps ripping human dicks off & eating them? Because I don't seem to find any.
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They do exactly what you would if you had the ability and no concept of fighting fair. They'll scoop out eyes, bite off fingers, and make sure you never breed again.

If you want to be depressed, read this story on another chimp attack. Fucked the man up beyond repair. The Worst Story I Ever Heard.

And yes, he had his genitals ripped off.
 
Jackben said:
3) The greatest martial artists would only have ever train against other men. As far as I know none were ever let loose into the jungle to fight wild animals. That puts the chimp on a different level for that reason alone: martial arts were built for humans with the human body in mind. Not for fending off the attacks of wild beasts with sharp fangs, fierce agility and incredible brute strength. (+ C)
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To all the naysayers, I don't think this can be overstated.


This is especially true for those referencing jiu-jitsu and other grappling/submission techniques. The issue is that all the training is derived from knowing the anatomy of humans. While chimps may be bipedal, their anatomy in terms of proportions, flexibility, durability, strength, limits, etc. are not the same.

And even if the fighter had a solid knowledge of such metrics, the lack of real-world training against it would severally limit their effectiveness. Much can be said about training and muscle memory when it comes to properly employing such techniques. They would be at a serious experience deficit that is being glossed over by many.


The entire point of referencing a 'master' martial artist is due to their training and experience. Unfortunately some, if not much of it simply wouldn't be applicable in this case.
 
A chimp may be able to rip faces off, but we can easily assume a martial artist is capable of snatching out eyes, attacking weak spots and breaking bones
 
Chuck Norris said:
A chimp may be able to rip faces off, but we can easily assume a martial artist is capable of snatching out eyes, attacking weak spots and breaking bones
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Yes, but employing such attacks becomes difficult against a foe with superior strength, reaction time, and reach.
 
"... Finally, LaDonna's screams drew the owners' son-in-law, Mark Carruthers, who came running armed with a .45-caliber revolver. After struggling to find a clean shot, he opened fire on the younger primate. The shot had no apparent effect, and Carruthers raced back to his house, a few dozen yards away, to reload with more-powerful ammunition..."

The .45 didn't beat the chimp, and a .45 will win against a martial artist, so logically, the martial artist will win against a chimp that is given a .45 to defend itself.
 
Raistlin said:
Yes, but employing such attacks becomes difficult against a foe with superior strength, reaction time, and reach.
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Reaction times are useless without training, if chimps even have superior reaction times. And a human leg has similar reach to a chimp arm. it is our most useful attacking weapon. A trained martial artist can deliver a kick at 200kmph and well over a ton of force. It would knock out a chimp cold, especially given that its height discrepancy leaves it positioned for kicks directly to the head. The chimp would be inocked ut cold. A chimp would not have the awareness to block, in fact I imagine while a chimp is making noise and attempting animal intimidation the martial artist would take quick advantage

One thing is for sure though, if the martial artist did not finish the job quickly he would be in big trouble
 
Chuck Norris said:
Reaction times are useless without training, if chimps even have superior reaction times. And a human leg has similar reach to a chimp arm. it is our most useful attacking weapon. A trained martial artist can deliver a kick at 200kmph and well over a ton of force. It would knock out a chimp cold, especially given that its height discrepancy leaves it positioned for kicks directly to the head. The chimp would be inocked ut cold. A chimp would not have the awareness to block, in fact I imagine while a chimp is making noise and attempting animal intimidation the martial artist would take quick advantage

One thing is for sure though, if the martial artist did not finish the job quickly he would be in big trouble
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Roundhouse kick a chimp?
 
SteeloDMZ said:
What's with all these dick ripping posts? Are chimps known for ripping genitalia off?
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A chimp isn't fucking around in a fight. They're not boxing in a ring. To them, it's kill-or-be-killed, and you can bet they will do whatever it takes to subdue their enemy. If that means ripping your eyes out and replacing your testicles with them, a chimp won't even hesitate.
 
Shiv47 said:
How about Mark Henry, or similarly strong wrestler, but he's undergone a procedure to deaden the pain center of his brain, so the biting won't bother him. He can then start working over the chimp after that first bite attack.
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How about Mary Henry on PCP.

Chimps are basically strong midgets on PCP.
 
muddream said:
Let's be honest, who have chimps ever beaten? Zookeepers, hippies, old people and children...a trained killer who follows the Gracie Diet is an entirely different animal having transcended athleticism.
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Exactly, friend. These gentlemen have chimpanzees built up in their minds like a can crusher from Strikeforce making the cross over. All I've seen is a bunch of slap fighting and muscling around of the innocent and untrained.

Show me quality opponents or it's nothing more than a chimpcanzee. Make it put on a custom mouthpiece and some 8 oz. Everlasts and that chimp would get knocked.
 
endresults said:
They do exactly what you would if you had the ability and no concept of fighting fair. They'll scoop out eyes, bite off fingers, and make sure you never breed again.

If you want to be depressed, read this story on another chimp attack. Fucked the man up beyond repair. The Worst Story I Ever Heard.

And yes, he had his genitals ripped off.
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Holy shit that story is heartbreaking. Poor Moe, and poor St. James. Gah Damn!
 
The Silver said:
Mark Henry with steel cup over his balls vs chimp.
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not enough apparently
earlier linked story said:
As St. James confronted the chimp, the six-two former running back turned to find a second chimp — also a male, this one older and bigger — bearing down on him as well. With both hands, he pushed the bigger animal. Both chimps pounced. One of the animals grabbed him in a bear hug before chomping into the bone above his right eyebrow. He then stuck his finger in St. James's right eye, gouging it out. The same animal clamped his teeth onto St. James's nose, biting it off, as the other chimp chewed away at St. James's fingers. In the melee, one of the chimps dug in his claws and ripped the skin off the right side of St. James's face, causing it to flop over and cover his left eye, temporarily blinding him. One of the primates sunk his teeth into St. James's skull. He then closed his jaws on St. James's mouth, ripping off his lips and most of his teeth. St. James tried to put one of his hands down the animal's throat, but the chimp just kept chewing on it and chewing on it, and he couldn't get it out.

St. James fell to the ground, no longer able to defend himself, and for at least five minutes, the mauling continued as he lay helpless. One of the chimps gnawed on his buttocks and bit off his genitals. They ravaged his left foot, leaving it shredded. Blood poured from his body, and LaDonna was screaming. It looked as if they were eating him alive. Finally, LaDonna's screams drew the owners' son-in-law, Mark Carruthers, who came running armed with a .45-caliber revolver. After struggling to find a clean shot, he opened fire on the younger primate. The shot had no apparent effect, and Carruthers raced back to his house, a few dozen yards away, to reload with more-powerful ammunition. When Carruthers returned, he focused on the older male, the prime aggressor. Kneeling down, he shot him once in the head from close range. As the animal fell to the ground, the younger chimp began dragging St. James's mutilated body down a hill leading away from Moe's cage. Dirt filled St. James's lungs and seeped into his bloody openings.
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Also according to Pokemon nearly all primates are either fighting type or can learn fighting moves.
 
ok... you guys need to teach me how to roundhouse kick.



I feel terribly vulnerable now that I've read this thread. I simply don't have the technique to pull off this life saving move... :/
 
TheJollyCorner said:
ok... you guys need to teach me how to roundhouse kick.



I feel terribly vulnerable now that I've read this thread. I simply don't have the technique to pull off this life saving move... :/
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step one: ensure chimp is about 10 feet from you

step two: place both feet firmly on ground

step three: run away to nearest building and hide
 
Martial artist could win.

But not with martial arts. More of a outrun-chimp-for-two-days, set-elaborate-spacial-reasoning-trap sort of way.

Win like we always have. By being sneaky as fuck.
 
TheJollyCorner said:
ok... you guys need to teach me how to roundhouse kick.



I feel terribly vulnerable now that I've read this thread. I simply don't have the technique to pull off this life saving move... :/
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Find a small tree with smooth bark (this is important for safety) and start kicking it furiously. It'll hurt at first, but over time your nerves will adopt and your bones will get denser. Once you fell the tree, you can break a chimp's skull.
 
Edmond Dantès;49622382 said:
The legendary Frodo the chimpanzee.

frodopredatorychimp.jpg


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t43dqQrLZmg


http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/horizon/2004/demonicapetrans.shtml
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I feel like i learned something new today, thanks for that. That will be the only productive thing i'll do all day.
 
macuser1of5 said:
post is too vague to be of value
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Fair point. Sorry, was on phone.

Martial arts about increasing your odds of success in a fight. They are not a mystical, all powerful trump card. So you can forget any dim map, one inch punch, pressure point fighting.

Martial arts do not negate strength - they improve your ability to cope with it. Look at the way Brock Lesnar was able to dominate the UFC through sheer athletic ability until he got figured out.

Martial artists get better at their skill by practicing, mainly semi contact (unless grappling), against other humans. There is no way to practice for the intensity of a wild animal attacking you with four super strong limbs and a vicious set of fangs and going for your most vulnerable areas.

I say this as a keen martial artist. I have met some phenomenally dangerous humans, and all of them would be pulled apart by a chimp. OP's friend had it right.
 
Zampano said:
Fair point. Sorry, was on phone.

Martial arts about increasing your odds of success in a fight. They are not a mystical, all powerful trump card. So you can forget any dim map, one inch punch, pressure point fighting.

Martial arts do not negate strength - they improve your ability to cope with it. Look at the way Brock Lesnar was able to dominate the UFC through sheer athletic ability until he got figured out.

Martial artists get better at their skill by practicing, mainly semi contact (unless grappling), against other humans. There is no way to practice for the intensity of a wild animal attacking you with four super strong limbs and a vicious set of fangs and going for your most vulnerable areas.

I say this as a keen martial artist. I have met some phenomenally dangerous humans, and all of them would be pulled apart by a chimp. OP's friend had it right.
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The best martial artists in the world don't compete in MMA because they don't play by the rules, they only fight to the death. Anderson Silva became an MMA superstar by using two or three techniques which were once thought to be illegal courtesy of Steven Seagal. Try to imagine a being with the ferocity of a chimp and the wisdom of a human...the chimp wouldn't stand a chance.
 
muddream said:
The best martial artists in the world don't compete in MMA because they don't play by the rules, they only fight to the death. Anderson Silva became an MMA superstar by using two or three techniques which were once thought to be illegal courtesy of Steven Seagal. Try to imagine a being with the ferocity of a chimp and the wisdom of a human...the chimp wouldn't stand a chance.
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Not sure if serious...
 
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