Prax
Member
Lookit me, I am trying to wait for someone to come home so I can take the bus pass so I am going online to respond to things. Darn addictive internet! xD
It might be helpful to have that external support keeping track of your progress for you, and pretty much being a more "objective" view so you don't have to exhaust yourself with constantly being your own judge all the time (and trying to be an objective one at that!). My own view is that the therapist helps you over time to transfer their "powers" of analysis and thought organization and stuff over to you so you internalize it and then it becomes your own skills to use and gain control your life. And then they are always there in case you need a refresher on that.
If you do something wrong, and you try to make amends (I can't really think of an example where it's impossible to make amends--and if it's saying the wrong thing, you apologize for it if it was hurtful or wrong), yet all people do is criticize for the original action, that's not really on you to take. You did your part. Your due diligence/taking responsibility. If other people are stuck on nagging, that's what they are. Stuck. And you don't have to take that, and you can tell them to drop the subject because it's a done deal and it's not funny or helpful. A little self-righteousness or indignation is not a bad thing~! I am not sure who would look down on you and hold onto that view forever (unless they are judgmental in their personalities in the first place).
I used to think that everyone was super critical or judgmental, waiting to gaze down on me for everything (sometimes I still have that feeling because I am very self-critical), but the truth is that most people are probably too busy with their own things to truly look down on others , let alone hold onto any initial judgments for long. I think it is more likely their own self-defense reaction than actually thinking less of you--it's not personal to you, it's their own mess they're sorting out and projecting with.. and that's not really your responsibility to solve unless you want to.
If you are talking about suffering from depression, then no. No one "deserves" that. "Deserve" is a very strange concept in itself and you do not need to use that metric on evaluating suffering from depression and other illnesses. I wish it was easier to disregard that metric when it's not require, since it's such a prominent concept in our search for justice or fairness (and just making sense of life), but it's not very useful in this case. I think it's fair and good if all people, including you, are happy and not suffering, and "deserving" it has nothing to do with it.
Height doesn't have much to do with enjoying surfing, enjoying outings, doing what needs to be done. I understand that you have a lot of anxiety as "looking ridiculous", but you are not going to die from embarrassment, no matter how much it feels like you might. People are not as judgmental as you think (and if they are somehow, it's better to pay no mind to those types as they have their own issues to resolve). Do you judge a friend for being too tall or too short? Would you not give a verbal beatdown to someone who would be audacious enough to tell your friend that he looked too "ridiculous" to hang out with you? That stuff hardly crosses people's minds among friends. It's one of those things you have to practice retraining your thoughts on so that it's not so important and overrides everything else in your social interactions.
The more you practice putting yourself out there and gain the experience of "that wasn't as bad as I thought and even if it was uncomfortable, it wasn't the worst thing ever", the easier it will get to guide your own self-perceptions away form being so height conscious. Maybe it's a far off goal, but in the long run, you could even embrace this and enjoy your height as a quirk or feature.
Maybe you can change that unforgettable phrase in your mind. Instead of "Just be tall", change the meaning and context to suit your needs. Agree that it means "just stand up for yourself, feel confident, have an assured posture". Because that's likely what it really is about in the end. I know females tend to gravitate to taller guys, but that's likely because they want to get a sense of being protected or something, but you can also project that to women by being confident and skilled and I think many shorter men are able to do that to attract all sorts of women.
(Also, 5'4" is slightly above average for a female in height, so at least you know you're taller than half of all women anyway. You're already taller than me!)
Okay.. back to tasks! (lol.. watch me be back to respond anyway..)
Hm. I am not even sure how all of that works, but IF you will get your stipend after you pay them the $6000, is it possible to arrange for a short-term loan from the bank (or friend/family member!) to do this? You would basically be paying them back with the stipend, but it would keep you officially registered in the program and give you access to all the school support, right?Well, it is slightly more urgent than a standard student loan. I have 60 credits and by the end of this semester (if I pass) I will receive my AA, before continuing on to university in the Fall for my BA in Journalism and Mass Communication.
But I can't do any of that shit until I give them $6,000 I don't even come anywhere close to having. I work for minimum wage and the VA is actually withholding stipend payments (which is like 80% of my income) until I clear up the issues with the school. Just a really shitty situation.
Do you mean that they only want to assess you at first and get a feel for how much meds might help you? That could be the case (hopefully if they found that you were in great need, they will refer you to a psychiatrist or something after). But the talking, as awful as it is to divulge sensitive information to a literal stranger face-to-face, might help or even be cathartic in the long run. Put in the effort so you can say at least you tried--plus, it might actually help! Maybe your therapist will make good and practical suggestions for improving your communication strategies too.Apparently the therapist I should be going wants to only talk to me which is probably the most nerve wracking experience I can go through...Not looking forward to it one bit...I dunno if I'll do it or not...
Sometimes I'm not even sure if I have friends that care when I'm low. Just having horrible time communicating with boyfriend that I can't tell my mom about my depression and he ALWAYS brings it up every time I tell him about a suicide attempt even though I explained for nth time. Sometimes I feel I can't talk to him even though I should...
I'll try to reexamine how I punish myself, however, thanks.
Even if I do something wrong, it's always too late to mend it and people just look down upon me and criticize me.
It might be helpful to have that external support keeping track of your progress for you, and pretty much being a more "objective" view so you don't have to exhaust yourself with constantly being your own judge all the time (and trying to be an objective one at that!). My own view is that the therapist helps you over time to transfer their "powers" of analysis and thought organization and stuff over to you so you internalize it and then it becomes your own skills to use and gain control your life. And then they are always there in case you need a refresher on that.
If you do something wrong, and you try to make amends (I can't really think of an example where it's impossible to make amends--and if it's saying the wrong thing, you apologize for it if it was hurtful or wrong), yet all people do is criticize for the original action, that's not really on you to take. You did your part. Your due diligence/taking responsibility. If other people are stuck on nagging, that's what they are. Stuck. And you don't have to take that, and you can tell them to drop the subject because it's a done deal and it's not funny or helpful. A little self-righteousness or indignation is not a bad thing~! I am not sure who would look down on you and hold onto that view forever (unless they are judgmental in their personalities in the first place).
I used to think that everyone was super critical or judgmental, waiting to gaze down on me for everything (sometimes I still have that feeling because I am very self-critical), but the truth is that most people are probably too busy with their own things to truly look down on others , let alone hold onto any initial judgments for long. I think it is more likely their own self-defense reaction than actually thinking less of you--it's not personal to you, it's their own mess they're sorting out and projecting with.. and that's not really your responsibility to solve unless you want to.
Yay~~! Congrats! Now your own son will have someone to play big brother to? Gaining lackeys? Haha~I'm doing really good! I just found out I'm going to be an uncle! What an amazing surprise!
Most likely, or at the very least a person capable of much good! And either way, you are a person, which is intrinsically valuable in itself.Am i a good person
Do i deserve to feel like this
If you are talking about suffering from depression, then no. No one "deserves" that. "Deserve" is a very strange concept in itself and you do not need to use that metric on evaluating suffering from depression and other illnesses. I wish it was easier to disregard that metric when it's not require, since it's such a prominent concept in our search for justice or fairness (and just making sense of life), but it's not very useful in this case. I think it's fair and good if all people, including you, are happy and not suffering, and "deserving" it has nothing to do with it.
Do you know the reason why it may have compounded? And if there is no reason, maybe you just need a higher dose or a change to a different med? Five years is a long time and changes might have occurred. It's good that you haven't been feeling suicidal though, which I assume you might have been in your past? Talk to your therapist or doctor about it as a checkup.this is the most depressed i've been in about 5 years. on the plus side, at least i am not suicidal. and to think i was debating stopping my citalopram. it's not like it's even doing anything anymore.
I dunno how quickly I'd be able to reply back if it's super urgent, and I am not an expert if it's to do with meds, but I will PM you!I'm not up for divulging it online publicly but this current problem of mine is really worrying me, so perhaps someone could drop me a PM?
It does sound like this esteem issue, which started off as a height difference has become an even bigger problem for you and affects a lot of your life. I think you realize you can't keep letting this dictate your entire life. It's unfair for you.I don't really know if I'm depressive, but I do certainly have some "issues" that have been affecting me for a very long while, and in the last couple of years it has gotten worse. I have a very, very low self-confidence and self-esteem. But let me explain why; I'm a guy and I'm 20 years old. I'm 163,5 cm (more or less 5'4'' 1/2) tall. Yep, I'm very short. I've always been, despite coming from an average to midly tall sized family. Since puberty I have always been the shortest of my friends and usually just "the shortest" around. I think I stopped growing at age 16. To that I should add I'm a little bit childish looking, and while I'm not skinny, I'm very close to it.
It has always affected me, but since I finished high school and started the university it has gotten really really bad. My height is the first thing that comes to my mind every morning, and my last thought every night. Everyday, no exceptions. Hardly a day passes without me thinking about it and feeling miserable about it, and I'm not exaggerating, it is everyday. Seeing how almost everyone is always taller than me (and not just taller, but much taller) makes me feel inferior and uncapable of doing the things they do. Going out is always difficult, as everytime I see a guy taller than me (which is all the time, constantly) I think "I wish I was like him" or "I wish I had his height". And it gets worse, because I feel like everyone notices how short I am, I know that's the first thing (and always will be) they will notice about me. This feeling of inferiority makes me always look away or stare at the ground when I cross with people on the streets, specially if they're around my age. I see 15-year-old boys who are already taller than me, and that actually makes me feel very bad.
Now... as it is always the same issue when going out, I just don't leave my house or students residence anymore. It goes like this: classes-dormitory-classes. I don't go out unless I really have to (basically to go to classes and buy food). I'm alone constantly: I don't have close friends. And the thing is I don't feel like I want to have them, as I picture myself hanging around a group of people all of them much taller and just looking ridiculous. It's been a couple of summers now I have literally not left my house. When I started the uni there was a couple of things I wanted to do (learn how to surf, among them) but I just decided I would look ridiculous, so I just don't do anything. I'm on the computer all the time. I do a bit of exercising at home and that's pretty much it.
You may have guessed it by now, but anyway: I've never had a girlfriend, never been close to have one (and never had sex, kissed a girl or related, and being most girls my size or taller, and short girls mostly interested in taller guys, I can't see that changing). I've never gone to a party, never gone out on a Friday night, just name a social event and I probably haven't done it. And perhaps that's not it, but I blame my height of everything. Because if I were taller I would not have such a low self-esteem, and I would not be getting all paranoid about it.
That's it, if you read it thank you, I know it is a lost case. I'll leave you for now with a phrase I once heard on a documentary TV show about people and relationships: "Doesn't matter if you hit the gym, it doesn't matter if you get fancy clothes or a cool haircut. Just be tall." Haha, I guess I'll remember that my whole life.
Height doesn't have much to do with enjoying surfing, enjoying outings, doing what needs to be done. I understand that you have a lot of anxiety as "looking ridiculous", but you are not going to die from embarrassment, no matter how much it feels like you might. People are not as judgmental as you think (and if they are somehow, it's better to pay no mind to those types as they have their own issues to resolve). Do you judge a friend for being too tall or too short? Would you not give a verbal beatdown to someone who would be audacious enough to tell your friend that he looked too "ridiculous" to hang out with you? That stuff hardly crosses people's minds among friends. It's one of those things you have to practice retraining your thoughts on so that it's not so important and overrides everything else in your social interactions.
The more you practice putting yourself out there and gain the experience of "that wasn't as bad as I thought and even if it was uncomfortable, it wasn't the worst thing ever", the easier it will get to guide your own self-perceptions away form being so height conscious. Maybe it's a far off goal, but in the long run, you could even embrace this and enjoy your height as a quirk or feature.
Maybe you can change that unforgettable phrase in your mind. Instead of "Just be tall", change the meaning and context to suit your needs. Agree that it means "just stand up for yourself, feel confident, have an assured posture". Because that's likely what it really is about in the end. I know females tend to gravitate to taller guys, but that's likely because they want to get a sense of being protected or something, but you can also project that to women by being confident and skilled and I think many shorter men are able to do that to attract all sorts of women.
(Also, 5'4" is slightly above average for a female in height, so at least you know you're taller than half of all women anyway. You're already taller than me!)
Okay.. back to tasks! (lol.. watch me be back to respond anyway..)