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[Attackthebase]

For the advice about working out, I recommend taking up a sport. Boxing is what I recommend, truly gotta focus in it, works the entire body, and you get to punch stuff. It's how I clear my mind from the stress I have to endure during the school year. I feel great (unless I overdo it) every time I finish a workout.

 

[Sadsic]

For the advice about working out, I recommend taking up a sport. Boxing is what I recommend, truly gotta focus in it, works the entire body, and you get to punch stuff. It's how I clear my mind from the stress I have to endure during the school year. I feel great (unless I overdo it) every time I finish a workout.

tbh ive never been someone who can find sports humongously fun; im not very coordinated

 

[Attackthebase]

tbh ive never been someone who can find sports humongously fun; im not very coordinated

I can understand that. Though, I was like you in that regard, always disliking sports, not finding them fun. I probably wouldn't partake in boxing if it didn't feel so great after the fact.

Also, I trip on the air when I walk around school, so my coordination is awful too.

 

[Sadsic]

I can understand that. Though, I was like you in that regard, always disliking sports, not finding them fun. I probably wouldn't partake in boxing if it didn't feel so great after the fact.

Also, I trip on the air when I walk around school, so my coordination is awful too.

ok. i just got two things of news today that could potentially change my life today so maybe ill try and use this as a coping mechanism in my possible future

 

[Sadsic]

Feeling suicidal for no reason

 

[thespot84]

Feeling suicidal for no reason

Do you have a hotline you can call? Someone to Talk to?

I know no amount of us saying that you shouldn't feel suicidal will help right now, since this isn't a logical thing, but we all want you here man. You realize that people like me, strangers, are subscribed to this thread? We care and we want you to get better, and we've committed to make it part of our routine to do so.

 

[CrankyJay]

im not sure why im doing this, but this is a pretty apt viewing of what the relationship between my mom and i is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amfcQIRky1U&t=4m0s

Wow...Roseanne is awesome.

Sorry you didn't really have anyone to be there for you like that.

 

[Sadsic]

i called a suicide line but it didnt make me feel better and im so scared right now

 

[Unconditional]

Hey man life is full of highs and lows. Things might not be so hot today but the future will be better as long as you work to get there. Eventually you'll get to a place in your life that will be more stabilized. You'll enjoy those highs in life and shrug of those lows. Just attempt to do things that make you feel better. Work out, go to a bookstore and read a book, leave the house and do something you enjoy. It won't rain forever; the sun has to shine eventually. Find the strength to get there. You already got what it takes.

 

[Sadsic]

i unplugged the phone last nite and got this message on my facebook from my mom:

I DONT UNDERSTAND PLEASE TELL ME

WHART WE WERE ARGUING ABOUT I NEED TO KNOW SO I CAN STOP I DID NOT THINK WE WERE ARGUING OBVIOUS LY I AM WRONG

I LOVE YOIU SO MUCH PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I WAS ARGUING ABOUT SO I CAN STOP
I DONT UJNDERSTAN D ANY THING
I AM SO CONFUSED TALKING I DONT KNOW WHAT I SAID WRONG PLEASE TELL ME
I KNOW I SAID SOMETHING WRONG I AM OBVIOSLY A HORRIBLE PERSON I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT SO HAPPY TO BE SEEING YOU NEXT WEEK
PLEASE
ALL RIGHT FINE YOU HATE ME I JUST CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE I GIVE UP

this was all in the course of like a minute

does this look really crazy to anyone else?

 

[jaxword]

Old people don't know how to text or use facebook so THEY DONT KNOW INTERNET ETQIEUETTE ANDD DONT KNOW THAT MASSIVE TYPOS AND DONT KNOW HOW TO PARSE AND DO NOT USE INTERNET ENOUGH TO KNOW ALWAYS TYPING IN CAPITALS MAKES YOU LOOK INSANE

 

[Sadsic]

Old people don't know how to text or use facebook so THEY DONT KNOW INTERNET ETQIEUETTE ANDD DONT KNOW THAT MASSIVE TYPOS AND DONT KNOW HOW TO PARSE AND DO NOT USE INTERNET ENOUGH TO KNOW ALWAYS TYPING IN CAPITALS MAKES YOU LOOK INSANE

well my mom was a programmer for a few years, and is generally computer literate

 

[thespot84]

Old people don't know how to text or use facebook so THEY DONT KNOW INTERNET ETQIEUETTE ANDD DONT KNOW THAT MASSIVE TYPOS AND DONT KNOW HOW TO PARSE AND DO NOT USE INTERNET ENOUGH TO KNOW ALWAYS TYPING IN CAPITALS MAKES YOU LOOK INSANE

the content says WAAAAAY more than the caps in this case. People get emotional all the time and say things they shouldn't when they're emotional. IANAP, however, what she said says a few things to me:

1. part of her motivation in all this is attention craving. Negative attention is better than no attention. Argue with her until eternity and she'll probably be satisfied. Turn the phone off and the world ends.

2. She seems manipulative, using guilt as a tool

Spoiler

Catholic? Jewish?

this happens all the time but what's freaky is how fast she ended up at the convenient conclusion that YOU hate her. Notice how at the end she didn't say: "I'm sorry that I did something wrong, please tell me what I can do to fix it. She said that YOU did something wrong, and completely turned it on its head.

I don't really know enough to say with any certitude, but I get the feeling logic and talking it out just isn't going to work with your mom. Especially given the stuff you said about her before. My grandmother was crazy in the same way, and my mom spent years in therapy to finally figure out that you can accept that someone is crazy and still love them for who they are. You just have to realize that their craziness is not a reflection of your self worth.

 

[injurai]

i unplugged the phone last nite and got this message on my facebook from my mom:

I DONT UNDERSTAND PLEASE TELL ME

WHART WE WERE ARGUING ABOUT I NEED TO KNOW SO I CAN STOP I DID NOT THINK WE WERE ARGUING OBVIOUS LY I AM WRONG

I LOVE YOIU SO MUCH PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I WAS ARGUING ABOUT SO I CAN STOP
I DONT UJNDERSTAN D ANY THING
I AM SO CONFUSED TALKING I DONT KNOW WHAT I SAID WRONG PLEASE TELL ME
I KNOW I SAID SOMETHING WRONG I AM OBVIOSLY A HORRIBLE PERSON I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT SO HAPPY TO BE SEEING YOU NEXT WEEK
PLEASE
ALL RIGHT FINE YOU HATE ME I JUST CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE I GIVE UP

this was all in the course of like a minute

does this look really crazy to anyone else?

Looks to me like she is trying to play ignorant to her fault in the situation. Every word that she wrote to me feels loaded with some underlying motive of directing the issues off of herself.

 

[akira28]

ALL RIGHT FINE YOU HATE ME I JUST CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE I GIVE UP

Sounds like this woman had one hell of a burst of energy, but it seems strange for her to 'give up' so easily.

Put me down for the manipulation team. Other times she treats you like shit when you're there. And when you cut contact she admits she's wrong, admits your right, admits guilt, offers profuse apologies, accuses you of hating her, and finally says she's beyond her limit and gives up. All in the space of a minute? I guess you're supposed to take the bait, call her up, and find out how you can make it better, where she'll play the loveydovey until you're close enough again to fuck with.

Yeah crazy. Well, there are more accurate terms in the text books, but yeah we can just go with crazy. She probably has all of those fear, panic, and pain feelings, but it seems like she can match those up with mean intelligent maliciousness. She needs to get help. But you can't help her, yo.

 

[echoshifting]

the content says WAAAAAY more than the caps in this case. People get emotional all the time and say things they shouldn't when they're emotional. IANAP, however, what she said says a few things to me:

1. part of her motivation in all this is attention craving. Negative attention is better than no attention. Argue with her until eternity and she'll probably be satisfied. Turn the phone off and the world ends.

2. She seems manipulative, using guilt as a tool

Spoiler

Catholic? Jewish?

this happens all the time but what's freaky is how fast she ended up at the convenient conclusion that YOU hate her. Notice how at the end she didn't say: "I'm sorry that I did something wrong, please tell me what I can do to fix it. She said that YOU did something wrong, and completely turned it on its head.

I don't really know enough to say with any certitude, but I get the feeling logic and talking it out just isn't going to work with your mom. Especially given the stuff you said about her before. My grandmother was crazy in the same way, and my mom spent years in therapy to finally figure out that you can accept that someone is crazy and still love them for who they are. You just have to realize that their craziness is not a reflection of your self worth.

I agree with everything here.

My mom did something almost exactly like this to me a couple weeks ago. I got chills reading this stuff. That underlined part at the end is so fucking important. It took a LOT of therapy to get to a point where I can just see it as a disease.

 

[Grokbu]

So I just finished reading this topic, basically every post in it. I am really hoping that you are feeling better now.

I am so sorry for what you have had to endure during your life. I cannot even begin to understand how all of this have felt to you.

I can't believe that you've been told that you are a failure, and while this might be easier said than done, you should absolutely not think that way yourself. There simply is no such thing as a failure, please realize this. Having someone push that into a person, making them believe it themselves just makes me so incredibly sad.

No one should have to go through what you have experienced.

One thing that might help if you are feeling down; While there is a lot of suffering in this world, just take a moment and think about the beauty, and all the good things going on. It can be a lot of things; Just how beautiful the sunset is, and seing the sun, far away, slowly passing the horizon to bring light to the rest of the world. The birds flying around singing, building nests in the trees to live their lives. And simply all the love that exists, take a look at this thread for example. It is full of people genuinely wanting to help you, doing this not for their own gain, but simply out of love. We want you to stop feeling this pain that you are going through and we want you to feel well.

Also, you like music, and you are great at creating it, just look at all the love you get for it in this thread! Having a talent for that is something a lot of people want, and you have it! So you should be extremely happy for that fact.

Another thing. Don't let the fact that someone else has graduated college before you get to you. This is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

A lot of what I have said is easier said than done, especially for someone who hasn't gone through what you have. But I, and a lot of others, are really hoping that you start feeling better. And I want you to know that there are people out there, us at GAF included, genuinely wanting you to feel better.

 

[SMT]

I read the OP, and I have just this to tell you: ''None of this is your fault!''

What your relatives said about you was based on their preconceived notions, that subsequently saw you adopting them. But that is false, erase everything and restart the process of attributing your values.
Everyone has individual standards, you are not alone to not have lived up to family norms, and to start to questioning your identity. Sometimes children fit parental ideals, sometimes they don't as they grew up in different generation.

Everything is relative.

You are your worst enemy, do not seek to label things as life in itself is meaningless.
Remember, you give meaning to what events have happened, you construct a history with onset descriptions of situations.
Do not place emphasis on the past, or future.
Live in the now, and if someone doesn't accept your vision of a meaningless life, you are not to care.

DO NOT CARE, you are the bearer of your own destiny!

Please do not give up, take the position that life is meaningless, and you chose to give meaning only to what you want to accept as part of you.

Deny the aspects you don't agree with, don't think of them as negative either, because labeling leads to judgement, you are not to judge, there is nothing worthy for judgement like the weight of the watermelon. Ideas are weightless, and neutral.

People give meaning to ideas with their reaction, and how they feel, which is subjective. Remember.

 

[Davidion]

Hey, Sadsic I didn't get a chance to read through this whole thread. However, I've been listening to some of your tracks on soundcloud, particularly Starcaller, and you definitely have production chops.

I've only read through some of what you wrote regards to having a hard life, and I agree with everyone that you can't blame yourself. While few, if any of us, have gone through most of the trauma that you have, you should understand that there's always a way through and your past, while always influential, need not be allowed to steer your future in a negative direction. That you are able to channel your emotions into something productive like music effectively speaks volumes.

If you ever have any questions about making changes in your life or had any questions about music or just need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. I've gone through a lot with depression as well, and while I am no guru on the subject, may at least be able to offer some perspective.

Never, ever, think that your pathways are spent. Your mind will lie to you and tell you that there's nothing left. Keep in mind that there's an entire world of possibilities that you'll never be able to take in all at once, and there's always something positive to discover tomorrow if you so choose to move forward. Choose to move forward.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

I stayed with a friend for a month who's mom was like this. In fact, it was her mom who insisted I come stay with them. One day, I brought a bottle of wine in the room I was staying in and learned her mom freaked out and actually bolted her doors, thinking I was some kind of psychopathic killer because.... I brought wine home. I never saw or heard her mom freak out, but my friend freaked out on me the next day, yelling, screaming and calling me every name in the book telling me what a stupid mistake I made by bringing.... wine in their house. I never saw a problem with it especially since.... her mom freaking drinks about four glasses of wine every night, herself! But apparently, she's a Protestant and sees drinking as a sin unless, of course, it's her drinking or one of any number of her friends that get invited to her house.... Yeah. (btw, my friend ended up in a mental institution for a month about two weeks later because, like her mother, she's also crazy.)

Sounds like your mother suffers from mental illness and you're the unfortunate victim.

 

[krioto]

How do I not hate myself? - ? I'd post inappropriate pics in a thread about murdered children in Syria - yes, that would help me...

 

[Charoncaori]

How do I not hate myself? - ? I'd post inappropriate pics in a thread about murdered children in Syria - yes, that would help me...

So you're taking the higher ground by coming in here and insulting him? That's incredibly low.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

So you're taking the higher ground by coming in here and insulting him? That's incredibly low.

I don't even understand what Krioto was trying to say? Did Sadsic post inappropriate pics in a thread about murdered children in Syria? I don't get it.

 

[jaxword]

I don't even understand what Krioto was trying to say? Did Sadsic post inappropriate pics in a thread about murdered children in Syria? I don't get it.

He did, but that's not really relevant to this thread or his bizarre mother's insane writings.

I'm telling you, she just doesn't "get" online texting the same way us internet shut-ins know it.

 

[EatinOlives]

i unplugged the phone last nite and got this message on my facebook from my mom:

I DONT UNDERSTAND PLEASE TELL ME

WHART WE WERE ARGUING ABOUT I NEED TO KNOW SO I CAN STOP I DID NOT THINK WE WERE ARGUING OBVIOUS LY I AM WRONG

I LOVE YOIU SO MUCH PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I WAS ARGUING ABOUT SO I CAN STOP
I DONT UJNDERSTAN D ANY THING
I AM SO CONFUSED TALKING I DONT KNOW WHAT I SAID WRONG PLEASE TELL ME
I KNOW I SAID SOMETHING WRONG I AM OBVIOSLY A HORRIBLE PERSON I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT SO HAPPY TO BE SEEING YOU NEXT WEEK
PLEASE
ALL RIGHT FINE YOU HATE ME I JUST CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE I GIVE UP

this was all in the course of like a minute

does this look really crazy to anyone else?

Yes, it's most definitely crazy. If she's not having an episode, it's a terrible attempt at manipulation.

Don't listen to a word of this. She's acting like she did nothing wrong and you "ignoring" her (as in, not replying for one minute) is you not forgiving her, but that honestly couldn't be further from the truth.

If I were you I'd cut off all communications with her, including Facebook. At this point all the good she's doing you is exactly zero.

 

[Sadsic]

How do I not hate myself? - ? I'd post inappropriate pics in a thread about murdered children in Syria - yes, that would help me...

i didnt click that video of the horrible dead kids until after i posted that; im not gonna delete it though, people can judge me if they want

 

[Fracas]

i didnt click that video of the horrible dead kids until after i posted that; im not gonna delete it though, people can judge me if they want

You're fine dude. I'm sort of a lurker outside of HaloGAF, but I see a lot of your posts. and you're definitely a good person.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

You're fine dude. I'm sort of a lurker outside of HaloGAF, but I see a lot of your posts. and you're definitely a good person.

Yeah, it was an honest mistake and it wasn't done to be mean spirited. It shouldn't have even been brought up here and in fact, Krioto was quite hypocritical by even bringing that up in here in the first place.

 

[Zinga]

You need to get away from your family and join a good church. I really feel for your pain and suffering, but know that you can be born again and have a new life. Once you have god and Jesus in your life, they will really turn your life around and you will feel like you belong and the happiness of life will come to you.

 

[Uchip]

id suggest becoming atheist so that you don't have to believe that an omnipotent force is dealing you every negative experience of your life

 

[Discotheque]

I'd suggest you take up a religion every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday.

And be an atheist on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

You need to get away from your family and join a good church. I really feel for your pain and suffering, but know that you can be born again and have a new life. Once you have god and Jesus in your life, they will really turn your life around and you will feel like you belong and the happiness of life will come to you.

Sadsic is Jewish, so perhaps a synagogue or talking to a Rabbi might be more ideal. Although, I don't know if he's practicing or not.

 

[Zinga]

Sadsic is Jewish, so perhaps a synagogue or talking to a Rabbi might be more ideal. Although, I don't know if he's practicing or not.

He needs to find a good synagogue then!

 

[jaxword]

He needs to find a good synagogue then!

You realize this is sort of the opposite of what you were saying earlier about Jesus...

 

[Sadsic]

He needs to find a good synagogue then!

im not especially practicing, but i do like god and such

i had a really bad experience with a Pentecostal church though once; my mom took me to one, and i was called up to the pastor in the middle of the service. I didnt know what was happening, and the pastor said i needed to get the devil out of me. suddenly, all the church goers swarmed up on next to me and all grabbed me and started chanting weird babble and i was just really anxious and wanted to be let go, but they wouldnt let go of me

it turned out my mom set that up later

 

[EatinOlives]

im not especially practicing, but i do like god and such

i had a really bad experience with a Pentecostal church though once; my mom took me to one, and i was called up to the pastor in the middle of the service. I didnt know what was happening, and the pastor said i needed to get the devil out of me. suddenly, all the church goers swarmed up on next to me and all grabbed me and started chanting weird babble and i was just really anxious and wanted to be let go, but they wouldnt let go of me

it turned out my mom set that up later

I think you've already recognized the pattern here that practically every single one of your traumatic experiences was set up by your mom or involved her in some way. If you keep her out of your life I think you'll find a lot of things are a lot less cruel than you experienced them (therapists, churches, etc.).

I say pursue your liking for God and your amazing talent in music as much as you can. Especially the latter, absolutely don't let that go to waste.

 

[Zelias]

Long time GAF lurker, first time poster. Had this account for a while without using it but feel moved to post here...

What you've been through is horrific and totally not your fault, and that you've made it through all that as a good person is a testament to your strength. I can't relate to your experience - I'm a depressive currently in a downwards mood swing but I can't blame it on upbringing or anything, just a bit messed up I guess. But this isn't about me, nor do I want to make it so... I just feel so humbled at your resilience, dude, it's really something.

 

[wsoxfan1214]

If this was prompted by what happened in the other thread, I just want to say good job. A new thread is a much better place to deal with this stuff.

If this was sarcasm, I'd like to take this opportunity to make you aware of how much of an asshole you are. Have some decency.

 

[Vilam]

Hey Sadsic; I know I certainly don't have the answers, you sound like a good guy though. Just wanted to say I was up at work late last night (think 2am) listening to your music while getting shit done and enjoying myself, so thanks for that.

 

[Sadsic]

i have new stuff coming soon =)

 

[bjb]

Just thought I'd post a few thoughts after reading over the thread:

For starters OP, you need to see an actual psychotherapist. The problem with counselors is that while they're helpful and great to talk with (some can prescribe you medicine), they will not (nor rarely have the training) to actually help you. You need a trained therapist to help you understand, educate and cope with your disorder. If you're already doing so, then by all means, kudos to you.

The caveat of course is that actual therapist's cost money (and typically lots of it). I'm not sure what your financial situation is like currently, but some private practices over payment plans or have ways of providing financial aide.

Furthermore it's great that you're acknowledging and accepting that you do indeed have a mental disorder. The next step is to show responsibility and treat it. This will not only make your life happier, but also transition you towards being a productive member of society. There's plenty of working professionals who suffer from a wide number of abnormal disorders. For example, I have a family member who is bi-polar, who makes well over $100,000 a year and has responded well to treatment.

Lastly abnormalities in brain anatomy or chemistry are sometimes the results of genetic inheritance. Other variables may include (but are not limited too) your childhood development. It's important to remember that this is not your fault. Unfortunately life isn't fair, but you should never let anything stop you from achieving your full potential.

 

[PhoenixDawn]

Wow just read through this thread and I have to say that no one should have had all the terrible things forced upon you that you did. That said, I admire your strength in dealing with it and admiring that it has had an impact on you. I agree with past suggestions about seeing a certified psychologist, although I can see why you are weary about that due to your past experiences... It truly would be the best course of action though I believe. I wish you the best of luck in sorting through all of this, and you should know that you have my and the rest of GAF's full support.

 

[EatinOlives]

i have new stuff coming soon =)

Can't wait to hear it Listened to all your stuff last night and loved it all.

 

[LowEndTorque]

im not especially practicing, but i do like god and such

i had a really bad experience with a Pentecostal church though once; my mom took me to one, and i was called up to the pastor in the middle of the service. I didnt know what was happening, and the pastor said i needed to get the devil out of me. suddenly, all the church goers swarmed up on next to me and all grabbed me and started chanting weird babble and i was just really anxious and wanted to be let go, but they wouldnt let go of me

it turned out my mom set that up later

Omg this reminds me sooo much of something from my youth.

When I was around 13 my mom insisted that I was possessed by Satan. She used to make me sit there while she put her hand on my head and recited verses from the Qur'an.

Remembering stuff like this along with other stuff from my youth like my parents blaming me for my dad getting cancer, my dad blaming me for all my mom's health problems, saying that I was killing her and if she died it would be all my fault, beatings.... Etc.

Right now I just laugh/chuckle about it. But if I really stop to think about it I guess it's kind of crazy that I'm now on great terms with my parents and that I was able to just brush that shit off and haven't developed any serious issues from it lol.

 

[Sadsic]

I told my therapist and doctor to fuck off today

i am on a cycle of self-destruction and i dont know if im going to survive the next few months

 

[EatinOlives]

I told my therapist and doctor to fuck off today

i am on a cycle of self-destruction and i dont know if im going to survive the next few months

While I have zero idea of what how your psychological states work, I'm detecting some kind of a cyclical pattern where you have your highs (or rather, normals) and your lows.

If you think this is the case, I think you should do whatever distracts you most from your depression, like writing music for instance. Or if you think venting in here will help you, go for that too. Why don't you think you'll survive the next few months when you've already endured far worse before? You're way, way stronger than what you give yourself credit for.

 

[Sadsic]

While I have zero idea of what how your psychological states work, I'm detecting some kind of a cyclical pattern where you have your highs (or rather, normals) and your lows.

If you think this is the case, I think you should do whatever distracts you most from your depression, like writing music for instance. Or if you think venting in here will help you, go for that too. Why don't you think you'll survive the next few months when you've already endured far worse before? You're way, way stronger than what you give yourself credit for.

yes im bipolar, and i really dont like surviving

 

[Marco1]

While I have zero idea of what how your psychological states work, I'm detecting some kind of a cyclical pattern where you have your highs (or rather, normals) and your lows.

If you think this is the case, I think you should do whatever distracts you most from your depression, like writing music for instance. Or if you think venting in here will help you, go for that too. Why don't you think you'll survive the next few months when you've already endured far worse before? You're way, way stronger than what you give yourself credit for.

I agree with this post totally.
You might find that your downward moods are in a routine so what you need to do is keep yourself distracted when you know they could happen.
I have suffered from depression my whole life and have been on medication for the past 2 years after my wife demanded I seek help.
I still have seriously bad moods every 4 weeks and they usually arrive on a Saturday morning and last for 2 days. I now go to the gym and my wife takes our two kids out with her friends and their kids.
I have a successful business and a great family but because of my childhood I am who I am now and no matter what I've tried nothing has helped more than the medication.
I like you was on a self destruct when I was in my teens and 20s.
You need help, go get it and do whatever it takes to keep going. Good luck because you will need it my friend and remember don't ever feel embarrassed about it. Some say that talking helps but talking never helped me. Certain things don't work for everybody.
You've been through something very traumatic and you're still here, that says a lot about you so stick with it. Trust me, when it comes good it'll be worth it. No one is perfect.

 

[jaxword]

You sound fairly bipolar, sadsic. You should really search for new doctors until you find one that works, because you keep rejecting the people who you NEED.

 

[Sadsic]

I agree with this post totally.
You might find that your downward moods are in a routine so what you need to do is keep yourself distracted when you know they could happen.
I have suffered from depression my whole life and have been on medication for the past 2 years after my wife demanded I seek help.
I still have seriously bad moods every 4 weeks and they usually arrive on a Saturday morning and last for 2 days. I now go to the gym and my wife takes our two kids out with her friends and their kids.
I have a successful business and a great family but because of my childhood I am who I am now and no matter what I've tried nothing has helped more than the medication.
I like you was on a self destruct when I was in my teens and 20s.
You need help, go get it and do whatever it takes to keep going. Good luck because you will need it my friend.

when i hit a really dark mood, i have no coping devices. i cannot leave my room, eat, think, do anything

all i do is continually break myself, yell at myself, make things worse

at this point i am probably the only person in my life making myself worse, and you know what? fuck it

fuck my mom, fuck my dad, fuck my doctors, fuck any friends i have left, fuck my life, fuck everything

im going to destroy myself. i dont know how to stop it, and no one can probably stop me at this point. im resigned to the end of my life, i want it to be here already, i cant stand waking up in the morning, i have nothing, and thats all i am