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[Eusis]

Hmm... Fuck it.

Dropping this at the door here and running the hell out.

EDIT: That is to say,

Spoiler

I'm really shy about that yet want it out there anyway.

 

[Team Alucard]

.

 

[Sibylus]

Welcome to the thread, Eusis! You're as welcome here as anyone

 

[Beth Cyra]

Welcome to the thread, Eusis! You're as welcome here as anyone

What Sibylus said!!!

Its always great to have people join the thread and we try to be open and friendly as we can here

 

[Dai101]

Hiya there Eusis.

Welcome to the thread. Relax and please feel like home.

Drinks are on me:

 

[AppleSeason]

Not everybody gets a happy transition. I'd say that except for a few happy ones, most have a moment in transition were everything goes to hell at the same time. Usually it passes, though.


I'm off benzodiazepines for the first time since december. I have welcomed back insomnia and nightmares in my life, but at least I'm faster and more agile in the mornings. The only problem is that during all this gradual tapering I've been fighting the withdrawal with comfort eating of junk food and I can't even get on the scale now. So I managed to beat my benzo addiction but I got a calories and sugar one instead. The worst part? Only my gut has increased in size. My face is as empty and boneless as usual.



I got my first underwire bras since the BA. They feel so weird now. The worst part was when they tried to give me Valentine's "gifts" at the store and I was like "Please, NO". This day is depressing enough for singles, spent with frozen pizza, vodka, videogames and my battery powered lover.

Spoiler

Just kidding on that last one. It's too cold to think about anything sexual and my libido has plummeted again

 

[Eusis]

Hiya there Eusis.

Welcome to the thread. Relax and please feel like home.

Drinks are on me:

Thanks everyone! And those look nice but liquors do tend to hurt my stomach though cocktails can ease that. A reason I generally prefer craft beers.

And it's kind of odd that I actually have been misgendered a few times. Once was from behind I think, but the other time was face to face with a clerk and he took awhile to realize his mistake. Maybe it's because I have unusually red lips?

 

[Dai101]

Thanks everyone! And those look nice but liquors do tend to hurt my stomach though cocktails can ease that. A reason I generally prefer craft beers.

That's OK. Most of them are virgins or very little licuor. Also i preffer hard licuor/spirits over beer or coctails.

Also BETH!! Didn't catch you before, is great to see that you're still rocking your real avatar, you look fabulous.

And Apple, you look GORGEOUS girl.


P.S: I just realized i'm in a sea of readheads. Eat your heart out everyone else!

 

[Beth Cyra]

Apple, I remember my first underwire bra and it was weird for me as well.

I got over it quick, but ive always loved the feel and support of a bra before. Plus as my boobs got above DDD it helped me maintain cleavage and the like.

Thanks Dai. That is very kind.

 

[mollipen]

P.S: I just realized i'm in a sea of readheads.

HEH HEH HEH

 

[Butterfly Witch]

Apple, I remember my first underwire bra and it was weird for me as well.

I got ober it quick, but ive always loved the feel and support of a bra before. Plus as my boibs got above DDD it helped me main cleavage and the like.

Thanks Dai. That is very kind.

Show off!! I wish I could it off like you

P.S: I just realized i'm in a sea of readheads. Eat your heart out everyone else!

Non-reds are cute too!!


AppleSeason you look pretty good girl

 

[Dai101]

HEH HEH HEH

;-D

Non-reds are cute too!!


AppleSeason you look pretty good girl

But of course!! Y'all lovely and cute, redhead or not.

Is just i'm lucky to be around such lovely ladies.

 

[Sibylus]

The copper hues I catch in my hair under the right sunbeams fills me with longing.

 

[Ekai]

Hmm... Fuck it.

Dropping this at the door here and running the hell out.

EDIT: That is to say,

Spoiler

I'm really shy about that yet want it out there anyway.

Welcome, Eusis! Feel free to stop on by anytime to chat or if you have any questions or life updates, or whatever. ^.^

Came out to my mom last night. She was completely supportive and understanding (which I knew she would be, its the rest of my very Catholic family that terrifies me). She told me that the idea of me being transgender was something that had crossed her mind a couple times due to the fact that I have always hated my body and what she perceived as the eating disorder* I struggled with back in high school, but never pressed the issue because she didn't want to embarrass me and because I told her many years ago that I wasn't gay when she once asked.

I talked about how transition isn't something I'm 100% sure I want to do, but at the same time how unhappy and miserable I am going on as I am now. She's not going to pressure my into anything but told me she thinks its in my best interest to at the very least go see a therapist, which she's probably right.

*While I have always been very thin, I've never been clinically underweight, so that has always been an argument between the two of us. It finally took me going to a doctor and getting a bunch of blood work done that showed I was completely healthy and the GP telling her my weight was normal for her to back off.

Glad it went as well as it did!

Hiya there Eusis.

Welcome to the thread. Relax and please feel like home.

Drinks are on me:

I'd partake but alcohol doesn't sit well with me. I can sort of do cidars or screwdrivers but I can't stand the taste of alcohol really. I need specific tastes and even then I'm very picky on it. Prefer water, ovaltine (my coffee), tea and juices as far as beverages go : p

Not everybody gets a happy transition. I'd say that except for a few happy ones, most have a moment in transition were everything goes to hell at the same time. Usually it passes, though.


I'm off benzodiazepines for the first time since december. I have welcomed back insomnia and nightmares in my life, but at least I'm faster and more agile in the mornings. The only problem is that during all this gradual tapering I've been fighting the withdrawal with comfort eating of junk food and I can't even get on the scale now. So I managed to beat my benzo addiction but I got a calories and sugar one instead. The worst part? Only my gut has increased in size. My face is as empty and boneless as usual.

(I look much worse filterless, but I usually have to deal with awful light everywhere).


I got my first underwire bras since the BA. They feel so weird now. The worst part was when they tried to give me Valentine's "gifts" at the store and I was like "Please, NO". This day is depressing enough for singles, spent with frozen pizza, vodka, videogames and my battery powered lover.

Spoiler

Just kidding on that last one. It's too cold to think about anything sexual and my libido has plummeted again

I think you're looking good, Apple! Hope the nightmares/insomnia lessen a bit. : (

Spoiler

Glad you're keeping your humor a bit at the end there. Sorry your libido plumeted a bit. : /

The copper hues I catch in my hair under the right sunbeams fills me with longing.

I still need to figure out what to even do with my hair. I'm letting it grow out right now but I'm totes clueless in how to work with it. I want to make it nice but I also worry about going too feminine or too long or too whatever right away because I'm only out to my mom in person so far. That'll change soon, of course, since I have been on hrt for almost 3 months at least.

;-D



But of course!! Y'all lovely and cute, redhead or not.

Is just i'm lucky to be around such lovely ladies.

I appreciate the thought Dai. I feel ugly right now tho. < . >
Still in the early parts of transitioning though so I hope that changes.

 

[Beth Cyra]

Show off!! I wish I could it off like you




Non-reds are cute too!!


AppleSeason you look pretty good girl

Lol Butterfly you know I'm more embarrassed about my bust size.

I never dreamed they would grow after my top surgery.

 

[AppleSeason]

I guess redhead is what happens when you let your stylist pick a color for you, although it has lost it's vibrance already. The filter pretty much makes it look as it was one month ago. Looks like I will have to do it again.


Massive messaging and matches have disappeared for me in both Tinder and an a dating lesbian app after removing the more "saucy" photos, looking more like a prude librarian or something in officewear. Apparently I was giving the message "I want to get porked", but people don't like pork sausage. Not that I am very worried about SRS right now, the damn withdrawal is taking half of my brain power, while trying to fight junk food cravings, and forcing myself to keep going to the gym takes the other half (post-drugs me is depressed and apathetic). I swear that next monday I'm getting on the scale and beggining diet again. And I better do it, if my weight goes up, so does my T. AA effectivity linked to body mass and apparently being an stallion before HRT (My levels were on the high end of the male range, so HRT is not enough to put them on fully female values).


Beth, DDD? Damn. I would have been happy with a big C or a D, but here I am with B cup implants

 

[Beth Cyra]

I guess redhead is what happens when you let your stylist pick a color for you, although it has lost it's vibrance already. The filter pretty much makes it look as it was one month ago. Looks like I will have to do it again.


Massive messaging and matches have disappeared for me in both Tinder and an a dating lesbian app after removing the more "saucy" photos, looking more like a prude librarian or something in officewear. Apparently I was giving the message "I want to get porked", but people don't like pork sausage. Not that I am very worried about SRS right now, the damn withdrawal is taking half of my brain power, while trying to fight junk food cravings, and forcing myself to keep going to the gym takes the other half (post-drugs me is depressed and apathetic). I swear that next monday I'm getting on the scale and beggining diet again. And I better do it, if my weight goes up, so does my T. AA effectivity linked to body mass and apparently being an stallion before HRT (My levels were on the high end of the male range, so HRT is not enough to put them on fully female values).


Beth, DDD? Damn. I would have been happy with a big C or a D, but here I am with B cup implants

I got lucky. My surgeon had thought closer to C but then he went with the 650. So I jumped from A to DD, then with shots went up to H.

For some reason I didn't mine would grow after surgery.

 

[Anura]

I think I'm going to just rock theses A-cups until the day I die. Larger would be nice but I love not having to deal with them getting in the way

 

[Butterfly Witch]

I think I'm going to just rock theses A-cups until the day I die. Larger would be nice but I love not having to deal with them getting in the way

Be proud of what you have and rock it with attitude!

As long as you're happy, nothing else matters.

 

[Ekai]

That "seattle man" topic....ugh. "I don't understand transgender issues but if you have a penis or a vagina, you go to your respective restroom" or "well, these laws will mostly be abused by perverts so we should abolish them and just have people go into the restroom that their genitalia matches". I sometimes hate NeoGaf.

I guess redhead is what happens when you let your stylist pick a color for you, although it has lost it's vibrance already. The filter pretty much makes it look as it was one month ago. Looks like I will have to do it again.


Massive messaging and matches have disappeared for me in both Tinder and an a dating lesbian app after removing the more "saucy" photos, looking more like a prude librarian or something in officewear. Apparently I was giving the message "I want to get porked", but people don't like pork sausage. Not that I am very worried about SRS right now, the damn withdrawal is taking half of my brain power, while trying to fight junk food cravings, and forcing myself to keep going to the gym takes the other half (post-drugs me is depressed and apathetic). I swear that next monday I'm getting on the scale and beggining diet again. And I better do it, if my weight goes up, so does my T. AA effectivity linked to body mass and apparently being an stallion before HRT (My levels were on the high end of the male range, so HRT is not enough to put them on fully female values).


Beth, DDD? Damn. I would have been happy with a big C or a D, but here I am with B cup implants

Sorry to hear about your T level issues. : ( I hope the dieting helps things for you.

Be proud of what you have and rock it with attitude!

As long as you're happy, nothing else matters.

Ditto on this.

 

[Beth Cyra]

I think I'm going to just rock theses A-cups until the day I die. Larger would be nice but I love not having to deal with them getting in the way

Lol your confidence is inspiring.

Really i wish I had it.

 

[Platy]

I kinda want more ... but I don't want to PAY for more =P

 

[Ekai]

I'm kinda curious what mine will develop to be. < . >
The doc I signed informed consent forms with said he didn't think taking the medication to encourage breast growth would be a good idea (iirc it's because of my dvt history) and that they would grow plenty enough on the estradiol and spiro alone. My natural T levels are lower than even the lower limit that males usually have so idk if that's a good sign or not. Right now they're very tiny and I've been on the medication for almost 3 months now.

 

[Eusis]

Man, given how insecure I've been with moobs (I recall when I was younger, like 10 or 11 or something I was getting fatter and felt lumps in my chest, and my imagination conjured this bizarre fear in my head I was turning into a girl) if I was to go to a counselor and get an actual conclusion that it'd be better to transition or something (and I was infertile) I think I'd leave breasts well enough alone. Doesn't seem like it's worth the headache, heh.

EDIT: Actually given what I just said I wonder if I've got some really, really weird hang ups with gender and all from being neurotic. It seems like some sort of weird love/hate thing I have, which might really make my gender "genderfluid" more than anything else. Or a weird form of masochism or a perceived weakness on my part that'd be most effectively eliminated by being able to full on embrace it and explore it, but biology (nevermind society) isn't that friendly.

 

[AppleSeason]

In fact I was more proud about my A-Cups after 2.5 years on HRT than my implants, which make me far more self conscious about my body. The fun part is that when back in 2008 and pre-transition I found that I was developing moobs and bouncing when going down the stairs, one month later I had a gym subscription. at the moment I was like "you have boobs, shouldn't this be cool? But they are moobs, you need to be manlier".

All left from that stage are strech marks on my legs. I went from an M / L for guys to an S , and the last time I needed a mansuit it was a real pain trying to find small shirts.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

I'm kinda curious what mine will develop to be. < . >
The doc I signed informed consent forms with said he didn't think taking the medication to encourage breast growth would be a good idea (iirc it's because of my dvt history) and that they would grow plenty enough on the estradiol and spiro alone. My natural T levels are lower than even the lower limit that males usually have so idk if that's a good sign or not. Right now they're very tiny and I've been on the medication for almost 3 months now.

I have no idea what your doctor is talking about, the only medication that encourages breast growth is estradiol.

 

[AppleSeason]

I have no idea what your doctor is talking about, the only medication that encourages breast growth is estradiol.

Pueraria Mierifica or some crap like that? Unless we are talking about P, which is pretty much YMMV and different for each person.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

Pueraria Mierifica or some crap like that? Unless we are talking about P, which is pretty much YMMV and different for each person.

That's the kind of herbal stuff that has no scientific evidence behind it.

As far as progesterone goes, it literally does nothing for breast growth. The only thing progesterone is scientifically proved to do is thicken the lining of the uterus to prepare for egg implantation. Trans women don't usually have to worry about that....

There are, so far, no studies showing any kind of advantage what so ever in taking progesterone as far as HRT goes for transgender women.

 

[AppleSeason]

There are, so far, no studies showing any kind of advantage what so ever in taking progesterone as far as HRT goes for transgender women.

Yet is is prescribed depending on the endo's oppinion. In my case, I sleep better, have increased libido and a sensation of calm (which counters my anxiety).

 

[Eusis]

I have to admit. I love the fact I came out as genderqueer went down something like this.

EDIT: More specifically, that was to my mom, and some people I knew online. And Animegaf, but that went into the topic of Nendoroids becaude I admitted they were "kawaii sugoi. ^.^"

 

[Misha]

Just waiting on my future roommate to get an apartment. whenever that happens i'll finally be away from my parents and be able to do the things i want

 

[AppleSeason]

And another person I know that will soon go under the knife for the big one. Everytime I think about it I feel like throwing up. When it is not about the doubs and fear of regret, it's a complete and total phobia to invasive surgery. I'm paranoid about complications, ending with a colostomy bag, a fistula or even bedridden for life.

Sigh. I should go for the orchi instead. At least it is not that scary.

 

[Amalthea]

You know what's really funny? Walking through a hospital and realizing that you forgot to close the valve of your catheter and suddenly you know why your ass has been so cold for at least 10 minutes.

 

[Eusis]

Shame that the natural tendencies of some people got the "What is a man or woman?" thread locked, but I do appreciate that link at the end just to go over things again.

And admittedly it did help me saying I'm not 100% conforming in my mind by having a lot of my family distance themselves beforehand, also the ones most likely to be an issue. Kind of like how it's not as bad to start a fire in a high-risk zone once everything's been burned down anyway.

 

[Platy]

Which reminds me .... what happened to Mumei ?

edit : ... nothing aparently just saw that he posted today.
Weird

 

[Hella Lugosi]

My wedding went really well! It was my first time going out in a dress, and there wasn't any awkward misgendering and no stares. Everyone just saw me as a girl and it was really nice and made me very happy. I've come to the conclusion that I'd like to start using she/her pronouns exclusively. It's something I've been dipping my toes in for the past month or so, getting myself and my friends acclimated to the idea, and it just feels right. So yeah here's the dress I wore to my ceremony:

 

[Eusis]

You look nice in your dress, Lugosi!

 

[Dai101]

You look great Hella. Congrats!

And since there's already 7pm somewhere

** A toast, for our defects. Because nobody cares about our cualities.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

My wedding went really well! It was my first time going out in a dress, and there wasn't any awkward misgendering and no stares. Everyone just saw me as a girl and it was really nice and made me very happy. I've come to the conclusion that I'd like to start using she/her pronouns exclusively. It's something I've been dipping my toes in for the past month or so, getting myself and my friends acclimated to the idea, and it just feels right. So yeah here's the dress I wore to my ceremony:

You look great!! I'm so happy for you and your partner!

 

[AppleSeason]

Reading Whipping Girl (more like resuming reading it). Some chapters mimic so much my pre-transition story / feelings that literally invalidate my doubts about my own transnesss.

 

[Ekai]

In recent positive news: got my Tria Home Laser Hair Removal kity today. Something another poster suggested for removing body hair and I'm going to start using it first thing tomorrow. Have work late tonight into early tomorrow so I'm holding off on that for now.

I also got lab work for after my first three months scheduled and a meeting with the Dr. next week so I can get new prescriptions of estradiol and spiro. He does want me to schedule appointments with a neurologist and ophthalmologist though due to my Neurofibromatosis Type 1 and wants me to see them before seeing him....which may have to wait til the next time I see him. NF-1 is just a chromosomal disorder that effects the nervous system, more or less. I have a very very mild form of it but he still wants me to get checked up on it since I haven't in years. I worry about additional costs with doing something like that though so...we'll see how it goes.

My wedding went really well! It was my first time going out in a dress, and there wasn't any awkward misgendering and no stares. Everyone just saw me as a girl and it was really nice and made me very happy. I've come to the conclusion that I'd like to start using she/her pronouns exclusively. It's something I've been dipping my toes in for the past month or so, getting myself and my friends acclimated to the idea, and it just feels right. So yeah here's the dress I wore to my ceremony:

Looking nice!

Reading Whipping Girl (more like resuming reading it). Some chapters mimic so much my pre-transition story / feelings that literally invalidate my doubts about my own transnesss.

Never heard of this book, what is it about?

 

[AppleSeason]

Never heard of this book, what is it about?

A provocative manifesto, Whipping Girl tells the powerful story of Julia Serano, a transsexual woman whose supremely intelligent writing reflects her diverse background as a lesbian transgender activist and professional biologist. Serano shares her experiences and observations both pre- and post-transition to reveal the ways in which fear, suspicion, and dismissiveness toward femininity shape our societal attitudes toward trans women, as well as gender and sexuality as a whole. Serano's well-honed arguments stem from her ability to bridge the gap between the often-disparate biological and social perspectives on gender. She exposes how deep-rooted the cultural belief is that femininity is frivolous, weak, and passive, and how this "feminine" weakness exists only to attract and appease male desire. In addition to debunking popular misconceptions about transsexuality, Serano makes the case that today's feminists and transgender activist must work to embrace and empower femininity in all of its wondrous forms. "

I've read 25% of it, and while the first chapters are quite interesting (cishet stereotypes about trans, media depictions, subconscious sex...), later it turns into basically a textbook for Gender Studies (its actual category) and it can be a bit hard to digest.

 

[Eusis]

I went ahead and grabbed that to see what insights it could deliver, in either figuring myself out or at least getting to understand the topic better.

It's... providing quite a bit to think about.

 

[Platy]

...this looks like your first instroductions to transfeminist and queer theory xD

Welcome =3

 

[Eusis]

...this looks like your first instroductions to transfeminist and queer theory xD

Welcome =3

I looked online quite a bit before anyway, but a solid book to read is usually best.

 

[Ekai]

Can I just say that I'm getting really fucking tired of PoliGaf/Hillary Supporters weaponizing LGBT rights and somehow assuming I'm not a part of the spectrum myself? I've been told so often now that I'm not a true member of the LGBT community/true democrat because I support Bernie first. I've even said numerous times that I'm fine with either candidate but support Bernie foremost. I've responded directly to so many of them on this, including a fucking mod who straight up said that you can't be LGBT and support Bernie because "look at all she did in the State Department while under Obama", and their response is to continue to demean my existence, insult me, and act like they speak for me. Same fucking mod told me to shut up and accept being insulted more or less too. That I'm "against" having discussion when I try to respond critically to the way Hillary supporters, such as they themselves, have behaved in regards to their treatment of others and of the facts regarding Bernie's social policy positions.

That I'm not truly transgender and just some "Bernie Bro" who is "trying to speak for gays, lesbians, blacks, etc. etc." is disgusting to me. And every single damn time these assholes don't even list transgender individuals in their "you can't speak for us" message either. Just like Hillary did til very very recently they act like we don't exist. Getting really tired of Gaf at this point. It's ridiculous how much some Hillary supporters/people in the LGB spectrum have been trying to promote in-fighting and pushing trans-individuals down. It's happened even outside of this issue, lots of dismissal of trans-individuals but they still use us when they damn well please anyway. I don't mind Hillary (she's fairly similar to Bernie) outside of not trusting her as much regarding trans-issues given her general lack of discussing them til very very very recently but I really can't fucking stand her supporters. Bunch of Bro-minded assholes. They are exactly what they attack others for.

Sorry for the rant. Just wanted to vent.

I've read 25% of it, and while the first chapters are quite interesting (cishet stereotypes about trans, media depictions, subconscious sex...), later it turns into basically a textbook for Gender Studies (its actual category) and it can be a bit hard to digest.

Sounds like an interesting book. I'll have to check it out.

 

[Eusis]

It's definitely worth reading just to have some actual perspective on what trans people, trans women at the least, have been facing.

And it's definitely been raising some... uncomfortable questions about myself. The concept of sex changing has always been simultaneously fascinating and frightening to me, and I've wondered if that meant I WOULD want to change but fear the stigma and know that my gender expression being male and being attracted to women means I'm generally OK just leaving things as is if it weren't for that nagging voice in my head that would like to know.

EDIT: Nevermind that I worry about whether it's a real desire or... uhh... I have an embarrassing kink. Nevermind if the lines blur.

 

[AppleSeason]

In the end I'm nearly the same person post-transition, just more emotional, more obsessed about my body and with more long term goals. I was not expecting to ever adopt a femenine presentation / expression, but nowadays it oscillates between andro and femenine depending on how I feel. I was bi curious before and now... Well, ending as a heterosexual woman is the stuff that appears in my nightmares. Luckily I'm androphobic enough now so that men only appear in some fantasies, but reality is that they make me want to puke.

Meh. I'm so messed up at a mind level that I don't even think about sex and only remember to masturbate when it's been so long that some libido has been building up and becomes noticeable. I find it hard to think about about srs in a sexual way as my sex life has become non existant post transition. I probably am more homoflexible than pansexual, but I can only think about SRS as changing in front of other women, spinning, trousers at crotch level, no tucking induced rashes and lots of dilation. But heck, I don't even remotely wonder about how penetration must feel. I don't think I can even remember how anal feels.

 

[Eusis]

Well, my worry on the "kink" level is that... Uhh... seriously talking or thinking about the subject can induce an involuntary erection. Not even thinking anything actually sexual, but just actually admitting I think I may be some type of transgender, even just genderqueer. That's what gets confusing.

 

[AppleSeason]

Well, my worry on the "kink" level is that... Uhh... seriously talking or thinking about the subject can induce an involuntary erection. Not even thinking anything actually sexual, but just actually admitting I think I may be some type of transgender, even just genderqueer. That's what gets confusing.

Yeah, it used to happen. Until the dysphoria got worse, and then hrt took care of the rest. The only way I have totrigger one accidentally is thinking about some seriously messed up fetishes. The kind which is better left in the dark.