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The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #35: Detachment

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B

British Monsoon

Member
The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #: Detachment

banner35.jpg


Theme: Detachment

Be it emotional detachment, physical detachment, or something more abstract, interpret this theme however you see fit.

Secondary Objective: A return to Allegory

If you chose to undetake the secondary objective, include an allegorical meaning to your piece(s).

---

Poetry Thread Rules 2.0

For poets entering:

  • You are allowed one entry based on the theme; and an optional second entry, if it meets the secondary objective.
  • There are no word counts. Interpret the theme as you wish.
  • If you're a brave soul, there is a 'super secret' optional objective: performing the poem. Don't worry - we will only judge your official entry (the written version). Try it out. Poetry Slams are always cool. ;)
For voters:

  • You can vote even if you haven't posted a poem.
  • Vote for your three favourite poems. But remember that:
    • you can't vote for your self
    • you can't pick two poems from the same author
    • you can't vote for an entry labelled 'ineligible'
  • You cannot win unless you vote.
Competition:

  • The contest runs for two weeks.
  • The deadline is on the last Friday. Once the final entry list is up, the voting begins; it finishes at the end of the weekend.
  • How we count the votes:
    • 1st place is allocated 3 pts; 2nd is allocated 2pts; 3rd is allocated 1pt
    • If there is no outright winner, we add half a point to 1st place, so that the person with the most first place votes win. If we still don't have a winner, we then leave it up to the op to decide how to best go about it; or to choose the outright winner
  • The winner gets a round of applause. They are then in charge of the new thread. If you can't make a new thread, just ask somebody in the current thread, and they might do it for you.
General:

  • This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
  • We like to keep the finale on the alternative week to its sister thread: the creative writing thread. Every so often, we get interrupted, such as during E3, and/or Nanowrimo.
  • The archives and the op templates are managed by Bootaaay. If you have a question about it, you can pm him.
  • A big thank you to him, and everybody else who manages the thread week in and week out. We would be worse off without them.
  • Everybody is welcome to enjoy the poetry on offer, or just vote, or just critique.

---------- Entries ----------


---------- Ineligible Entry ---------- (critiques welcome)


---

Results -

1. We are in this together. by Ashes1396 - 9 points (3)
2. I ain't caring, just wondering by Dresden - 8 points (2)
3. Shroud by Bootaaay - 7 points

4. Her Name, Vaccine. by Miri - 6 points (1)
5. Old Man, Victros by Miri - 4 points (1)
6. Brimstone by Bootaaay - 2 points
6. Forever Yours by Neutrality - 2 points
7. On again off again by AnkitT - 1 point

Congrats to Ashes1396, this weeks winner with a well deserved 9 points and 3 first place votes :)

---

The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Previous Challenges:

Poetry Challenge #01: Reflection
Poetry Challenge #02: Making the Blind See (+ 5W poems)
Poetry Challenge #03: Interior (+ Incorporate a song or album title)
Poetry Challenge #04: History (+ Dream Song poems)
Poetry Challenge #05: A View From Afar or Within (+ Clerihew poems)
Poetry Challenge #06: The Surreal and the Fantastical (+ Haikus)
Poetry Challenge #07: Expectations versus Reality (+ Ode)
Poetry Challenge #08: Mirror's Edge (+ Rhymes)
Poetry Challenge #09: Look on the Bright Side (+ poem must end with _________________ as it's last line)
Poetry Challenge #10: Obsolete (+ Ink)
Poetry Challenge #11: Pride (+ Kanye West)
Poetry Challenge #12: Passing By (+ Allegory)
Poetry Challenge #13: Take this Society (+ Ballards)
Poetry Challenge #14: The Dark (+ Add Zombies to taste)
Poetry Challenge #15: The Great Winter (+ Elegy)
Poetry Challenge #16: What Nature Reclaims (+ Lay)
Poetry Challenge #17: Storm Clouds Rising (+ First Person)
Poetry Challenge #18: The Phoenix (+ Enjambment)
Poetry Challenge #19: Psychopomps (+ Assonance)
Poetry Challenge #20: Death in the Family (+ Limericks)
Poetry Challenge #21: A Night on the Town (+ Didactic Poems)
Poetry Challenge #22: A Letter to the World (+ Inside Outside Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #23: The Blues
Poetry Challenge #24: Space, Above & Beyond (+ Prose Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #25: Futurism (+ Avoid Technology)
Poetry Challenge #26: Prove you Exist (+ Lyrical Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #27: Love, Happiness, Peace, Summer & Pixar! (+ Couplets)
Poetry Challenge #28: Dying Earth (+ Blank Verse)
Poetry Challenge #29: War (+ Narrative/Epic Poems)
Poetry Challenge #30: Dreams (+ the return of First Person)
Poetry Challenge #31: At Gunpoint (+ Epic Poetry/Broetry)
Poetry Challenge #32: Two Sides of an Epic Coin Toss (+ Metre & Rhythm)
Poetry Challenge #33: Lust (+ Poetry Slam)
Poetry Challenge #34: Fear (+ Lyric Poetry *To Accompaniment)
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Alumni's Archive

ulMAd.png


 
B

British Monsoon

Member
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Yeah, I had used the same secondary in challenge 12 but didn't really take a good crack at it and thought this theme would be a good fit, so we'll see how it goes :)
 
S

Salvor.Hardin

Banned
She looks at me
She doesn't know
My burnt face
She could not possibly know

He remembers

He touches her face
with the palm of his hand
Caresses her hair
with the lips of his comb
The honey melody of summer
Is all he can recall

But such matters of rhyme
Are petty with time
This mask that I wear
She won't recall me I fear

He hides in the dirt
Beneath a shower of shrapnel
Four years and a day
The war limbers on

I remember that war
It was dirty and raw
And burnt I have returned
To no one at all

On the doorway I stand
I tell her I'm dead
She cries in my arms
A soldier for all

But such matters of rhyme
Are petty with time
I die in a ditch
Life is a crime.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Bootaaay said:
Yeah, I had used the same secondary in challenge 12 but didn't really take a good crack at it and thought this theme would be a good fit, so we'll see how it goes :)
Click to expand...

That was the thread that got recently bumped as well. :p

It just won't die!


there's a joke about detachment in there somehwere.
 
R

RDreamer

Member
I've always wanted to get in on one of these, and some of the topics had really interested me, but then for some reason I always caught the voting threads and never really saw the initial ones. Well, I was feeling in the mood and this topic caught me. I've always wanted to convey this in poetry, and I'm not sure I did my feelings justice at all, but oh well here's what I got:

Two Days Short of Forever
Two days short of forever
Since I last saw your face
But today you're in my arms
Today you're in my bed
All hesitation is gone
I swear I'll love you tonight

I tear at your clothes
Searching for the memory of a day
When just holding my hand made you smile
I bite at your neck
Remembering when
When a whisper would drive you wild
I caress your hair
And think of the time
When we'd fight the clock
For just two more minutes
And I press my lips to yours
Wishing for the time you'd beg just for a kiss

I Search from eyes to fingertips
For the love you once had
For that electricity we once shared
But it's been two days too long
Two days since you gave up
Since you forgot the day
We sat on the picnic table
Looking up at the stars
It's two days past that love

And two days later
I'll be holding you in my arms
As a passing friend
With cold hands around my waist
I'll hear you say hello
And with a heavy heart
I'll hear you say goodbye
And two days past forever
I'll mean nothing
 
I

iavi

Member
One used to equal one,
But it now equals about point three.
That may not yet make sense to you,
Nor her, for that matter,
But that statement there,
Sadly does to me.
For, I am the failing currency,
That now needs to give more of me,
To, still, never really get what I need.
Love Economy.
Love surrounded me,
Then fled.
And I all I have left to show for it,
Is an account balance that angers me,
As I wonder why.

This is now an ineligible entry, but do feel free to crit regardless. It'd be much appreciated.
 
I

iavi

Member
Don't forget this here, guys. We're already much better off than last week's challenge, but we need MORE. I'll have another one in myself.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Hmm... I've got some spare time, maybe I'll clean up the rules a little. It never changes so we can just add a link to a single post or something... *

It'll clean up the op, and also allow us to to still have a list of previous threads. Which in it self is getting a bit long... oh well, we'll come to that bridge when we get to it...

edit: I just noticed: ^^ that it still says: The Neogaf Poetry society. ha ha!

*Have to add in the poetry slam part...
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Poetry Thread Rules 2.0

For poets entering:

  • You are allowed one entry based on the theme; and an optional second entry, if it meets the secondary objective.
  • There are no word counts. Interpret the theme as you wish.
  • If you're a brave soul, there is a 'super secret' optional objective: performing the poem. Don't worry - we will only judge your official entry (the written version). Try it out. Poetry Slams are always cool. ;)
For voters:

  • You can vote even if you haven't posted a poem.
  • Vote for your three favourite poems. But remember that:
    • you can't vote for your self
    • you can't pick two poems from the same author
    • you can't vote for an entry labelled 'ineligible'
  • You cannot win unless you vote.
Competition:

  • The contest runs for two weeks.
  • The deadline is on the last Friday. Once the final entry list is up, the voting begins; it finishes at the end of the weekend.
  • How we count the votes:
    • 1st place is allocated 3 pts; 2nd is allocated 2pts; 3rd is allocated 1pt
    • If there is no outright winner, we add half a point to 1st place, so that the person with the most first place votes win. If we still don't have a winner, we then leave it up to the op to decide how to best go about it; or to choose the outright winner
  • The winner gets a round of applause. They are then in charge of the new thread. If you can't make a new thread, just ask somebody in the current thread, and they might do it for you.
General:

  • This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
  • We like to keep the finale on the alternative week to its sister thread: the creative writing thread. Every so often, we get interrupted, such as during E3, and/or Nanowrimo.
  • The archives and the op templates are managed by Bootaaay. If you have a question about it, you can pm him.
  • A big thank you to him, and everybody else who manages the thread week in and week out. We would be worse off without them.
  • Everybody is welcome to enjoy the poetry on offer, or just vote, or just critique.
 
I

iavi

Member
Seems to be a good amendment there, Ashes, though; you should clarify the bullet point pertaining to the poetry slams. As it is, it looks as if entries with any form of a poetry slam attached to them won't get there fair share of critique. I know better, of course, but to all of the newcomers, that may be quite confusing.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Miri said:
Seems to be a good amendment there, Ashes, though; you should clarify the bullet point pertaining to the poetry slams. As it is, it looks as if entries with any form of a poetry slam attached to them won't get there fair share of critique. I know better, of course, but to all of the newcomers, that may be quite confusing.
Click to expand...


Good point.

edit:

* If you are a brave soul, there is a 'super secret' optional objective: performing the poem. Don't worry - we will only judge your official entry (the written version). Give it a go - Poetry Slams are always fun.


how's that?
 
I

iavi

Member
Ashes1396 said:
Good point.

edit:

* If you are a brave soul, there is a 'super secret' optional objective: performing the poem. Don't worry - we will only judge your official entry (the written version). Give it a go - Poetry Slams are always fun.


how's that?
Click to expand...

Haha, that's perfect.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Ha ha! I was thinking more like a link,* as in the creative writing thread... But whatever works for you mate... :p

* Poetry Thread Rules 2.0 - Read em or Weep.

@Miri: you changed your poem? I liked it even more before... :/

On second thoughts, it might be better. Aarghhh, don't have anything to compare it to...

edit: on second thoughts bootaaay, it looks kinda cleaner in the op as it is... I don't know... just do it up however you like...
 
I

iavi

Member
Ashes1396 said:
@Miri: you changed your poem? I liked it even more before... :/

On second thoughts, it might be better. Aarghhh, don't have anything to compare it to...
Click to expand...

Haha, well, I've changed it quite a few times already. That's the big downside to posting so early/being so indecisive. You, as the reader, get to see so many iterations of it. Though, I'm finally to the point of being confident in that one. No more changes there ;) Finally.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Miri said:
Haha, well, I've changed it quite a few times already. That's the big downside to posting so early/being so indecisive. You, as the reader, get to see so many iterations of it. Though, I'm finally to the point of being confident in that one. No more changes there ;) Finally.
Click to expand...

I don't get line 9. Why is there a comma after the ''to''?

Don't mind me. Change it up as often as you like. I do the same thing...
 
I

iavi

Member
Ashes1396 said:
I don't get line 9. Why is there a comma after the ''to''?

Don't mind me. Change it up as often as you like. I do the same thing...
Click to expand...

Line 9 calls back to Line 2. The seemingly needless commas surrounding 'still' are meant to highlight that. Though... hmm. You have me wondering.
 
I

iavi

Member
Old Man, Victros

There wasn’t a day,
Where old Victros didn’t have the right of way.
Wholly righteous in that head of his,
But in his heart, knew only the route to hell.

Still, with his voice straining, he’d yell,
Ritually towards every day’s dawn,
Demanding of the governing deity,
That this finally be the day he dies.

“And I don’t even need an angel as a guide,” he’d say,
“Heaven’s Gate is big enough.”
“My heart is right.”
“And time has yet to take my sight,”
"To Hell."
 
I

iavi

Member
I took my first entry out. I just come across a wave of inspiration and need an empty slot. So much for not changing it, lol.

Bonus bump.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
You should still post it; even as an illegible entry. A shame really - there was a playfulness about it that I liked. ;/
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Forged in fires of flaxen flame,
nursed by nights of nefarious name,
darkly dwells a demon most dire,
that calls forth carrion choirs,
to softly serenade the saintly's fall,
bloodless blades that boldly scrawl,
grisly greetings from the grave,
for sinful souls to be enslaved,
tempting tides of torment spew,
vivacious veils viciously hewn,
as the haunted harken to his hails,
in demonic fires, burnt flesh flailed.

Just playing with this one, but I might submit it as a secondary piece, I'm still working on my main entry
.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
We are in this together.
_____________________


Have you heard the call to prayer sir?
did you hear the bells toll?
that thing we use to call the heart,
its telling you: you are wrong.
What will you do?
who will you turn to?
when the library begins to falter,
and the engine runs out of petrol;
When the eyes begin to close.
When did getting out of bed become a minefield of thoughts?
why are the bills stuck in the letter box?
and why does charlie miss breakfast,
and go to school with a hole in his socks?
No answers, the answer page is torn,
no teary hearts; at melodrama you scorn,
you are not of the depressed lot,
you travel cold roads alone, skeletely numb.
and the wedded wife hates you,
she may sleep in the same fold,
but your touch now sends her cold.
She lost a little respect for you,
when she earned a higher pay rise,
now that she earns more than you,
the truth is all but gone.
no, no, no, no, no, no...
Don't finger that gun,
leave that bottle alone,
don't reach for the pills cabinet,
or the garden shed rope.
walk past that bridge,
don't take the step up to the roof top.

Speak to me friend,
I am you, and you are me.
we are in this together,
let the poet speak.

Exchange cold blasted misery,
for warmth, love and kisses;
the bells are tingling the sound of an arriving Christmas;
the heart spells out the dreams you had,
Sleep will come; the tiredness will fade,
Put your house into order,
read a book, and meditate,
reflect on your good fortune,
reverse the paths away from depressing valleys,
the bills will be paid, deal with them; make haste.
Charlie is okay. Your wife is still with you,
The train is slow to start; but once it starts,
you'll find dreams are easier to come by,
Walk, walk, walk.
You're laughing at me?
I'm too much?
that's fine; if contempt is all it takes to keep you awake;
I can take a few shots,
come at me bro;
ha ha, selling your books to make ends meet
why don't you sell your Xbox 360 games first?
oh those are going too? Don't worry, you can buy them back,
when times are good again.
Socks, socks, don't forget the socks!
Is that your wife with her boss?
she's probably just having a business meeting...
go up to her and speak; you'll regret it otherwise.
See you were just being paranoid; it wasn't even her.
Where is she by the way?
she's in the balcony; she's crying.
well go on then; put the bags down;
go talk to your sweetheart;
let her know your worth.
Ahh, she found your suicide note;
now she knows.

Speak to her my friend,
She is you, and you are she,
you are in this together,
let the truth speak.
 
I

iavi

Member
Her Name, Vaccine.

With the softest of breaths,
She'd so consciously step,
But the night owls, to the arrival of their queen,
They'd croon as the moon then gleamed,
With a beam,
That came tattered,
Through the redwoods' brush.

Oh, the winds, they'd rush,
And her hair, it'd dance in sway.
As the fawn would line the way,
Towards the soul seated side the lake,
With naught but callous in his face,
Slowly, he'd call her to the place,
That she resented so.

The path presented, though;
She simply wanted none of it.
The fun in it plagued her conscious,
Made her nauseous,
With every step she dared to take.
But this soul beside the lake,
He'd have his hand out.
His lust route,
Guiding her to him.

On what she wished was a whim.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Ascetic dreams that drip with omen
reach lonely windswept spires,
rising stone sentinel totems,
by shamanistic rituals inspired.
With plant and powder, potion bound,
the shaman into slumber sinks
and in vile, guttural tones he sounds
beastly cries at which stars slink.
Buried in broiling wisps of cloud,
dark and turgid against the night,
heavens hidden under an eerie shroud,
dim and falter afore sorcerous might.
With evil portents, vision spurned,
a multitude of fates are scryed,
of fire and death and life and birth
and of a dawn when no sun shall rise.
 
N

Neutrality

Member
Forever Yours

Oh what lofty goals we had
Our pedestal atop pedestals
It was destined to fall

Oh what awkward dreams we had
Our youth driven desires
They were destined to decay

Oh what a beautiful girl you were
My muse, my light, my life
I was yours from the beginning

Oh what a wonderful year we had
Those nights, those nights, those nights
I could live in your arms

Looking back
You sure could sing
I sure could write
If only you could dance
If only I'd stayed clean

Moving on
You still look great
I'm as dirty as ever
These nights, these nights, these nights
They're as cold as my heart..

Anyway
I'm still sending you love
You're still sending me shivers
I've used my potions, my shelves full of mixtures
None of them worked, now I hear you're leaving Earth
For some lover you swear lives on the Moon
Oh my sweet, you're such a fool.
There is no lover for you on the Moon.

I wish I could help
But I fear I'd only pull you down
Into the madness
Into the remnants
Into the hollows
Of our wedded past.
 
D

Dresden

Member
I ain't caring, just wondering -

The car.

Look by the road. Hands out,
A soup kitchen line. Rub some
Nickles together, make a dime.
They all kind of smell. Hobos,
recently unemployed, unshaved,
tired men and women with lined faces.

The car:

it moves. Sleek blue-fin hull,
like a mirror as it moves. Reflection,
of the soup kitchen line--hands out,
ladling it down, rub some coins together,
make a bill, make some bucks. Tired,
young and old, wearing dirty coats,
worn sweaters clumped together.

As the car drives away--

I get out of the line. Mutter to the guy
behind me; hey, man, keep my place for a bit.
Run out to the road. The car is moving,
almost away, out of range--I pick up a rock,
I throw it. It skitters out of reach. Like the car.
I don't hit it. I slink back into the line. Shuffle forward.
Get my soup. Piece of bread, a pack of juice.
The plate in hand, I look back--the car is gone.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
My friend, my friend!
I look at you, laugh with you
I act enchanted by your stories
I listen, you talk, and that's all we do

So fuck you up the ass
You do not deserve my caring eye
So let me be alone with my thoughts
Stop acting like you care, like I used to do

I'm sorry if I offended you
The romanticism of loneliness didn't live up
So can we be friends again please?
But let's keep the rift and the tightrope intact
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Here's the entries for this week, great showing everyone! Good to see the poetry thread thriving again :)

---------- Entries ----------


---------- Ineligible Entry ---------- (critiques welcome)


Voting Deadline: (PST)

t1317624900z4.png
 
T

Tim the Wiz

Banned
1) I ain't caring, just wondering by Dresden - This is really good.
2) Shroud by Bootaaay - I would kill for such ease with dense imagery and rhyme.
3) Her Name, Vaccine by Miri.

Poem I'd like to hear the back-story of: On again off again by AnkitT.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Apologies for being very busy.... sorry guys...

A Soldier For All by Salvor.Hardin - The English patient?
Two Days Short of Forever by RDreamer - a different theme?
Old Man, Victros by Miri - hmm... made me think.
Brimstone by Bootaaay - awesome alliteration.
We are in this together. by Ashes1396 - boo this man.
Her Name, Vaccine. by Miri - delicately crafted.
Shroud by Bootaaay - lovely brush strokes
Forever Yours by Neutrality - Sweet.
I ain't caring, just wondering by Dresden - Effortless.
On again off again by AnkitT - Humbling.

ineligible

Love Economy. by Miro - my favourite this week.


---------------------

ma petty votes:

1. Old Man, Victros by Miri
2. Brimstone by Bootaaay
3. I ain't caring, just wondering by Dresden

Hm. On again off again by AnkitT
 
I

iavi

Member
Votes:

1. Dresden- 'I ain't caring, just wondering.'
2. Bootaaay - 'Shroud'
3. Ashes - 'We are in this together'

HM: Neutrality, Ankit.

I'll add my crits in the morning. But good showings, guys.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
1. Her Name, Vaccine
2. We are in this together.
3. I ain't caring, just wondering.

HM; Two Days Short of Forever.

I'll try and add some critiques later, but first; sleep.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
1. Ashes1396 - We are in this together
2. Neutrality - Forever Yours
3. Bootaaay - Shroud
HM. Miri - Her name, vaccine, Dresden - I ain't caring, just wondering

Tim the Wiz said:
Poem I'd like to hear the back-story of: On again off again by AnkitT.
Click to expand...
There's nothing to it really lol. It's just a facsimile of every extended relationship i've had in the past few years.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Results -

1. We are in this together. by Ashes1396 - 9 points (3)
2. I ain't caring, just wondering by Dresden - 8 points (2)
3. Shroud by Bootaaay - 7 points

4. Her Name, Vaccine. by Miri - 6 points (1)
5. Old Man, Victros by Miri - 4 points (1)
6. Brimstone by Bootaaay - 2 points
6. Forever Yours by Neutrality - 2 points
7. On again off again by AnkitT - 1 point

Congrats to Ashes1396, this weeks winner with a well deserved 9 points and 3 first place votes :)
 
I

iavi

Member
Congrats, Ashes! For me, your's was the hardest to rank. I really liked it, but I felt as if it meandered a bit at times. You seem to do that pretty often. I personally think your pieces would benefit from another pass or two, trimming excess along the way.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
I thought there was something wrong with the vote tallying up... But no matter, I'm very low on sleep, so it might be me...

I have to rush to work... Thread might be up tomorrow...


Miri said:
Congrats, Ashes! For me, your's was the hardest to rank. I really liked it, but I felt as if it meandered a bit at times. You seem to do that pretty often. I personally think your pieces would benefit from another pass or two, trimming excess along the way.
Click to expand...




Duly noted.
 
I

iavi

Member
Ashes1396 said:
I thought there was something wrong with the vote tallying up... But no matter, I'm very low on sleep, so it might be me...

I have to rush to work... Thread might be up tomorrow...
Click to expand...

Actually, yeah, you're right. Bootaaay, Ashes has 12 points. Though, it doesn't make a difference in terms of outcome.
 
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