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[Hoho for breakfast]

The other day I walk into my kids room and he hides his tablet real quick. Obviously he's looking at or doing something he isn't supposed to.

I figure its porn or something and when i ask to see it, he gives me the tablet and tells me "Walgreens". I was confused for a minute until I saw what he meant.

My 11 year old was looking up antidepressant medication. He then went on to break down and tell me he's been having bad thoughts for the last 6 months or so.

I dig deeper and find out one of his online friends is supposedly a cutter (as in they cut themselves with knives/razors). So this kid is the source of my kids issues i think.

Im trying to convince my kid this manipulative little shit is bad for them and they need to stop talking to them asap.

My kid of course has a lot of feelings for this other kid ( they think theyre in love) but this toxic relationship has to stop. I can see their chat logs and its extremely unhealthy stuff being discussed.

So yeah im going to get my kid whatever help they need to get through this but im just wondering others thoughts on what to do or if youve been through anything similar.

 

[epicnemesis]

Jesus. This is now a thing we need to look out for at 11 YEARS OLD!?!

I have no advice for you other than that is horrifying and I’m sorry you guys have to go through this. Therapist ASAP.

 

[Stiflers Mom]

Wow, that sounds like a horrible situation to be in as a parent.

I wish you a lot of strength.

 

[Hoho for breakfast]

Jesus. This is now a thing we need to look out for at 11 YEARS OLD!?!

I have no advice for you other than that is horrifying and I’m sorry you guys have to go through this. Therapist ASAP.

Yeah, 11 years old and this is how they feel. It breaks my heart. When i was 11 I never went through anything like this.

 

[mcjmetroid]

See while real depression exists a lot of people these days are following a trend or reacting to people for attention.

Counselling might be the best option, It did me wonders.

For now it's important to have a chat with your young one and ask them what it is they're feeling bad about.. don't dismiss their feelings because it sounds silly to you because you could fall Into the "they just don't understand" category. Use a traumatic experience from your own life as an example of how to push through.

 

[JordanN]

Would it be considered "creepy" if you personally spoke to or met the "cutter" and try to help him/her too?

Even if you remove your own child from the bad influence, what if the kid goes on to brainwash another person? Better to stop it at the source and potentially spare another victim.

In my experience, I remember in my child I had some friends who were a bad influence. Luckily, I managed to distance myself from them but if it was possible, I wish I could have spoke to them and set them on the right path. The bigger obstacle was these kids also had shitty parents who basically enabled their behavior, so watch out for that too.

 

[VN1X]

Man that's tough. No advice to give other than I hope you and your kid manage to pull through together.

 

[Stiflers Mom]

Would it be considered "creepy" if you personally spoke to or met the "cutter" and try to help him/her too?

Even if you remove your own child from the bad influence, what if the kid goes on to brainwash another person? Better to stop it at the source and potentially spare another victim.

In my experience, I remember in my child I had some friends who were a bad influence. Luckily, I managed to distance myself from them but if it was possible, I wish I could have spoke to them and set them on the right path. The bigger obstacle was these kids also had shitty parents who basically enabled their behavior, so watch out for that too.

Talking to the kid directly is weird, though.
You need to talk to the parents if you have information like this about their kid.

 

[JordanN]

Talking to the kid directly is weird, though.
You need to talk to the parents if you have information like this about their kid.

I brought it up because in my later point, I did say it's possible the parents may be the ones encouraging said behavior. In which case, it may even make the situation worse.

It's a very tough scenario. In my personal opinion, as long as you don't have malicious intentions, I would at least recommend the other kid seek professional help as well. The responsibility of being an adult is that you should recognize children can be manipulated very easily by those who have worse intentions.

 

[Stiflers Mom]

It's a very tough scenario. In my personal opinion, as long as you don't have malicious intentions, I would at least recommend the other kid seek professional help as well. The responsibility of being an adult is that you should recognize children can be manipulated very easily by those who have worse intentions.

But then you would be the person manipulating a kid.
Yeah, it's a very tough scenario, but that other kid is not in your area of responsibilty, but its parents.

I'd be furious if some adult would be telling my kid to get professional help and not telling me about it.

 

[JordanN]

But then you would be the person manipulating a kid.
Yeah, it's a very tough scenario, but that other kid is not in your area of responsibilty, but its parents.

I'd be furious if some adult would be telling my kid to get professional help and not telling me about it.

Well that's why I said it's only if the intentions are good.

It's like, if you saw a bunch of Scientologists handing pamphlets to a kid outside, would it not be moral to warn the child what they're getting themselves into if they did join a cult? You're manipulating them, but the other option is the kid being manipulated by even worse people who might lead them down a path of death.

Sadly, I don't think this would be an issue if we did live in a society that was based on community trust. I shouldn't be afraid of my neighbor and vice versa, but the consequences of 100% individualism means we stop caring about each other as humans.

Similarly, if I had a child but another adult tried to save them from making a bad choice, my first reaction wouldn't be anger but thanking them. Unless they tried to kidnap my child or force them into their house, then I wouldn't take it as an insult but as a sign of community trying to help one another.

 

[MiyazakiHatesKojima]

Get him a PlayStation 5 ASAP!!!

Weed him out of that toxic relationship as soon as possible.

 

[GeorgPrime]

Jesus. This is now a thing we need to look out for at 11 YEARS OLD!?!

I have no advice for you other than that is horrifying and I’m sorry you guys have to go through this. Therapist ASAP.

Tje scary thing is that people like this are growlng up and want to tell you how to live as they engage in more and more woke activities to fill their empty lives with ghe sorrow of injustice.

Kids and parents these days are so messed up. When i was eleven i didnt care for shit like this

 

[Riastrad]

Don't know what background you're from, but I've noticed that a lot of younger white kids (especially white boys) seem perpetually depressed. I think it's the relentless anti white/white guilt propaganda coming through the schools and the media.

 

[eot]

The fact that they told you is already a good start. I would consider getting professional help though

 

[Stiflers Mom]

@OP:
Why do you write "they"? Is that the pronoun he wants to be called with, or what's up with that?

Noticed this in a couple of other threads lately as well.

 

[nush]

I dig deeper and find out one of their online friends is supposedly a cutter (as in they cut themselves with knives/razors). So this kid is the source of my kids issues i think.

Im trying to convince my kid this manipulative little shit is bad for them and they need to stop talking to them asap.

My kid of course has a lot of feelings for this other kid ( they think theyre in love) but this toxic relationship has to stop. I can see their chat logs and its extremely unhealthy stuff being discussed.

is this "Online friend"someone they have actually met in real life? Sure it's not some weirdo pretending to be a kid?

 

[Hoho for breakfast]

@OP:
Why do you write "they"? Is that the pronoun he wants to be called with, or what's up with that?

Noticed this in a couple of other threads lately as well.

No nothing like that. I was going to keep the gender and age out of it but I saw that I said the gender anyway and just didnt go back to correct it all. "They" should just be read as "he".

 

[Hoho for breakfast]

is this "Online friend"someone they have actually met in real life? Sure it's not some weirdo pretending to be a kid?

Thats exactly what i thought at first because this girl seemed way too mature. I told my son how theres a lot of crazy people out there who would pretend to be someone they arent. Long story short I told my son to get proof they even are who they say.

They did prove it by sending him a picture with my sons screen name written on a piece of paper.

So it is actually a kid afaik, but a pretty smart and manipulative one from what I can tell. A big part of the problem i see from reading their messages is that she makes him feel guilty about stuff and says shes going to cut herself, and so my son feels partly responsible and its making him depressed that he cant be there for her or save her or whatever. Its all just fucked up.

As far as I know this girl is in the UK and we're in the US, so I hope they never actually meet.

Ive thought about trying to get in touch with this kids parents because id feel pretty shitty if this kid is actually cutting herself and something bad happens.

 

[Stiflers Mom]

Ive thought about trying to get in touch with this kids parents because id feel pretty shitty if this kid is actually cutting herself and something bad happens.

If I (have two sons myself) were in your situation I'd inform her parents immediately.

Don't try to talk sense into an 11-year old girl that's cutting herself. It's her parents duty to do that, and it's yours to protect your child from her influence.

 

[Coolwhhip]

If she is actually cutting herself she is deeply disturbed, you need their contact to end for sure.

 

[nush]

Thats exactly what i thought at first because this girl seemed way too mature. I told my son how theres a lot of crazy people out there who would pretend to be someone they arent. Long story short I told my son to get proof they even are who they say.

They did prove it by sending him a picture with my sons screen name written on a piece of paper.

So it is actually a kid afaik, but a pretty smart and manipulative one from what I can tell. A big part of the problem i see from reading their messages is that she makes him feel guilty about stuff and says shes going to cut herself, and so my son feels partly responsible and its making him depressed that he cant be there for her or save her or whatever. Its all just fucked up.

As far as I know this girl is in the UK and we're in the US, so I hope they never actually meet.

Ive thought about trying to get in touch with this kids parents because id feel pretty shitty if this kid is actually cutting herself and something bad happens.

Time to be "The bad guy" step in and stop it. Some girl on the other side of the world is no concern of yours. She's a girl, on the internet so they'll be many boys out there to replace the attention your son is giving her. She's dangerous and manipulative and honestly she's not going to anything other than threaten to cut herself for one of the other boys. make no mistake, she has other boys she's talking to as well.

All you have to do is take the tablet away.

 

[Thaedolus]

Thats exactly what i thought at first because this girl seemed way too mature. I told my son how theres a lot of crazy people out there who would pretend to be someone they arent. Long story short I told my son to get proof they even are who they say.

They did prove it by sending him a picture with my sons screen name written on a piece of paper.

So it is actually a kid afaik, but a pretty smart and manipulative one from what I can tell. A big part of the problem i see from reading their messages is that she makes him feel guilty about stuff and says shes going to cut herself, and so my son feels partly responsible and its making him depressed that he cant be there for her or save her or whatever. Its all just fucked up.

As far as I know this girl is in the UK and we're in the US, so I hope they never actually meet.

Ive thought about trying to get in touch with this kids parents because id feel pretty shitty if this kid is actually cutting herself and something bad happens.

Honestly if I were the girl's parent, I'd want to know. What happens after that really isn't on you because, IMO, contacting them is the right thing to do. As for your son, I'd try to spend more time with him IRL. Might just be looking to connect with someone, might as well be you?

 

[quickwhips]

Cutting, is a group thing to share with friends keep your kid away from interacting with that kid if possible.

 

[Men_in_Boxes]

Social media was a mistake. Try to get your kids off it as much as possible.

 

[Kenpachii]

Inform the other parents about there kid being suicidal, talk with your kid and break all connections with that shit. Even move him to another school if necessary to get away from that shitter if it doesn't improve or move entirely.

He will hate u for a second, but at least he aint dead when he's 16 years old.

 

[LegendOfKage]

Personally, I'd get a therapist involved right away. Get professional advice. A professional would likely be better at helping him understand the harm that relationships like that can do. They also might have some suggestions to make sure the girl is getting the help she needs.

I also agree with others that it's a very good sign that he told you.

 

[DogofWar]

Do you know the cutters parents? Maybe talk with them as well, their kid obviously also need help.

Try and get your kid(s) to spend as little time as possible in front of monitors for a while, and internet in general. The most important thing for any child that is feeling down is that their parents are there for them and spend time with them. Not just try and limit them. (Not saying that you were doing that.)

Good luck! What a twisted world we live in when things like this happen with 11 year olds...

 

[Hoho for breakfast]

Honestly if I were the girl's parent, I'd want to know. What happens after that really isn't on you because, IMO, contacting them is the right thing to do. As for your son, I'd try to spend more time with him IRL. Might just be looking to connect with someone, might as well be you?

Yep I'm trying to be there for him as much as possible. He's had it rough the last year. His best friend moved away, a second friend moved a couple miles away so they can't just hang out easily, and now a third neighbor friend is moving in a month. He's basically only going to have one real friend left that lives close by. He's ridiculously smart (academically anyway) but not sporty at all so I feel like I should get him involved in some kind of group where he can make new/better/real life friends, but it's pretty difficult to do that right now with coronavirus keeping everyone apart. Like you said for now I'll just try to spend as much time with him as I can.

 

[Stouffers]

I have an 11 yr old and she isn’t allowed a phone, social media or online friends.

 

[Hoho for breakfast]

I have an 11 yr old and she isn’t allowed a phone, social media or online friends.

Good idea. My kids play Roblox (and Fortnite) and I know they have filters and such so it really never crossed my mind that my 11 year old would be on Roblox talking about crazy stuff like that. I stupidly figured it was safer than it is. They can easily bypass the filters though.

Definitely though if your kids are online chatting AT ALL, PLEASE find out what exactly they are chatting about and who they are talking to. If I had checked months ago I could have stopped all this before he became depressed over some internet girl who cuts herself. And unfortunately I think you really have to pay attention and pry into their business. They chat on Fortnite fairly often and it always just seemed to be normal chat. and I was fine with that. There was just a lot more under the surface that I had no idea about. So yeah it's probably a great idea to just keep them away from this stuff entirely.

 

[lock2k]

The other day I walk into my kids room and he hides his tablet real quick. Obviously he's looking at or doing something he isn't supposed to.

I figure its porn or something and when i ask to see it, he gives me the tablet and tells me "Walgreens". I was confused for a minute until I saw what he meant.

My 11 year old was looking up antidepressant medication. He then went on to break down and tell me he's been having bad thoughts for the last 6 months or so.

I dig deeper and find out one of his online friends is supposedly a cutter (as in they cut themselves with knives/razors). So this kid is the source of my kids issues i think.

Im trying to convince my kid this manipulative little shit is bad for them and they need to stop talking to them asap.

My kid of course has a lot of feelings for this other kid ( they think theyre in love) but this toxic relationship has to stop. I can see their chat logs and its extremely unhealthy stuff being discussed.

So yeah im going to get my kid whatever help they need to get through this but im just wondering others thoughts on what to do or if youve been through anything similar.

At 11 I was still playing with toys and it was one of the happiest times ever. WTF is going on with the world?

As a parent I would urge you to cut off the relationship your kid has with the other kid and take off the phone, take off everything. TAKE CONTROL of the situation and take the fucking tablet off RIGHT NOW.

If you still want your kid to have some sort of eletronic device, hack the fuck out of it and monitor every single step with a remote software.

But I agree with Stouffers point of view - no phone, no tablet, nothing.

 

[Birdo]

Way too young to be thinking about those things.

I didn't get depression until I descovered JRPGs in my late teens.

 

[SLoWMoTIoN]

Find out why your kid is depressed. 9/10 times it is school related/puberty. Could be he is just lonely because of what is going on rn.

Jesus. This is now a thing we need to look out for at 11 YEARS OLD!?!

I have no advice for you other than that is horrifying and I’m sorry you guys have to go through this. Therapist ASAP.

Emos were a thing when I was in middleschool.

 

[Amory]

I have an 11 yr old and she isn’t allowed a phone, social media or online friends.

It sounds drastic with how society is nowadays, but this seems like a solid strategy. You lose more than you gain with that shit.

I think in the coming decades we'll look back at the beginning of the internet age and realize we did a ton of damage to generations of kids.

 

[nush]

I have an 11 yr old and she isn’t allowed a phone, social media or online friends.

Smart man, if she found your GAF posts it would change her view of you forever.

 

[Tesseract]

that's pretty young to be having those kinds of deep and dark feelings, at least on any substantial level

how's their diet, what's their fitness like, their social circle, what books do they read, games do they play, entertainment watched?

 

[Hudo]

The other day I walk into my kids room and he hides his tablet real quick. Obviously he's looking at or doing something he isn't supposed to.

I figure its porn or something and when i ask to see it, he gives me the tablet and tells me "Walgreens". I was confused for a minute until I saw what he meant.

My 11 year old was looking up antidepressant medication. He then went on to break down and tell me he's been having bad thoughts for the last 6 months or so.

I dig deeper and find out one of his online friends is supposedly a cutter (as in they cut themselves with knives/razors). So this kid is the source of my kids issues i think.

Im trying to convince my kid this manipulative little shit is bad for them and they need to stop talking to them asap.

My kid of course has a lot of feelings for this other kid ( they think theyre in love) but this toxic relationship has to stop. I can see their chat logs and its extremely unhealthy stuff being discussed.

So yeah im going to get my kid whatever help they need to get through this but im just wondering others thoughts on what to do or if youve been through anything similar.

Jesus Christ. When I was 11, I was contemplating how to climb that high-ass tree in the woods near our house. And how to build my parks in Rollercoaster Tycoon 2.

I mean, having an open talk about how the internet is basically comprised of manipulating shit and crazy people is a good thing. But it might be too much task of an 11 year old to make that distinction...
Maybe some stricter rules regarding the usage might help? Also, where or how did your child meet this friend?

 

[FatalT1]

I dig deeper and find out one of his online friends is supposedly a cutter (as in they cut themselves with knives/razors). So this kid is the source of my kids issues i think.

Im trying to convince my kid this manipulative little shit is bad for them and they need to stop talking to them asap.

lol mental health in America.

 

[Northeastmonk]

I dated a girl in high school who cut themselves. She went to an in-patient therapy. Then her sister got depressed and her mom had to hide the knives in the house. We had a huge falling out, but to my knowledge they’re alive and well 10+ years later.

I would speak to a behavior specialist or mental health specialist. I saw one as a teen. What you watch for are doctors prescribing major meds for a diagnosis they came up with in an hour or 45 minutes. A lot of doctors just want to prescribe meds for issues and the meds can mess you up if that’s not what you need. I smoked a lot of pot and got depressed over my parents divorcing. I was also in it for anger management. I didn’t know how to control my emotions.

 

[Airola]

Jesus. This is now a thing we need to look out for at 11 YEARS OLD!?!

Yeah, 11 years old and this is how they feel. It breaks my heart. When i was 11 I never went through anything like this.

I had my first thoughts of really actually wanting to die when I was 11 in early 90's.
Hated myself and was bullied a bit too.

For me those thoughts went away when I started to have heart problems around that age and went to sleep night after night with the thought that this is the night my heart stops working. So facing the thought of really actually dying I was able to lose any suicidal thoughts I might've had. So I kinda think having an actual physical problem helped me a lot. Still kept on hating myself though for years and years. I have no idea how a person who doesn't have "a lucky problem" to have a reality check might deal with their suicidal thoughts though.

I think there's always a reason for suicidal thoughts though. Something keeps pulling those kids down. For the other person it's something and for your kid it could be something else. For your kid it really also could be just this other person dragging him down along the way. It's incredibly easy to spread bad feeling around and it's really easy to be influenced by that too. But there is something that keeps on pulling these kids down and I don't think it's just a brain thing but there are some actual issues that are in the core of the whole thing. It could be that both of those kids have a different thing that pulls them down or it could be only one of them has the issue and the other is sort of collateral damage. In any case these kids need someone to talk to, and it's very easy for kids to hide their feelings and act as if they don't need anyone to talk to. I hid my problems for a long time, and always assured everyone everything is fine. So it will take skill and patience and lots of love to really get anything out of them.

For your son this could be a crossroad where he is about to take steps towards either optimistic or pessimistic look at life. At worst the road he chooses brings him into nihilism. This is probably one of the most important times for you as the father to guide him to take the right path. A lot of kids at that age are still completely carefree but a lot of kids at that age start to build the core of their soul in a much more serious manner. Some kids know a lot more than what any parent would believe they know, and some kids are struggling with their soul a lot harder than any parent would ever believe they would. Kids are as human as adults are and they already have the potential for all of the struggle an adult has. In some ways some kids really are "tiny adults". They keep secrets, choose who to trust, plan things and keep up a facade to some people and choose to reveal their deepest inner secrets to only some, if any. Your kid showing the tablet and telling you about his problems shows that he still trusts you a lot. You seem to still be part of his "inner circle", so to speak.

I'm not a parent so I can't offer any help or knowledge about that but I know something about being a kid with problems. I can't even imagine how tough it must be to be a parent who has to deal with a situation like that. Like, I would suggest you'd talk with the parents of your kid's friend too, but then again I don't know how much that would hurt the trust you have between you and your kid. My parents never had to deal with that because I never told them about those problems. Even with the heart problem I told them about it only years later and then we looked for help to that. I didn't really have any trust issue with my parents and I always felt safe with them and loved them a lot, but I just didn't want them to hear about it and feel sad or troubled for my own problems. You now knowing about your son's problems have knowledge about your son that many would beg to have about their kids. It's not a catastrophe to realize your kid is struggling a lot with bad thoughts, instead it's a major revelation. It's like being able to find a rare treasure but it's covered with spiderwebs and dust and you have to help to clean it up. Most kids keep things like that hidden forever. And actually you have found two of these treasures.

 

[Flying Toaster]

that's pretty young to be having those kinds of deep and dark feelings, at least on any substantial level

how's their diet, what's their fitness like, their social circle, what books do they read, games do they play, entertainment watched?

This is a great point but there are always outliers. I would look at general well being as pointed out by Tesseract . Also keep in mind especially in America the last few months have been rough with schools going online. Socialization is a key part of development and our children have been robbed of it because of Covid measures. I would monitor conversations with friends and also look into having your child talk to someone*.

*I am not saying as a parent you shouldn't talk to your child, nor am I implying you cannot work on this but sometimes a third party that specializes in this such as a counselor or psychologist would help. I suggest this over a psychiatrist as the last thing we should ever do is dose and hope especially in the developmental years of a persons life. Parents are always the first line of defense we are there to steer and guide but sometimes shit gets messy and overwhelming. I am glad you took the time to ask even if this forum is not specialized in this subject as it shows you care and you trust the community enough to bounce questions off of. I wish you and your family the best and I hope things get sorted out.

 

[Tesseract]

consider a psychologist before a psychiatrist, cbt (which is basically just longer form q&a with a professional) does wonders for most minds

don't go down the drug route unless you absolutely have to, conservative therapy first and foremost

 

[Airola]

Jesus Christ. When I was 11, I was contemplating how to climb that high-ass tree in the woods near our house.

Kids can do that and have problems at the same time. Some kids contemplate on how to climb that high tree to be able to be up there with their own thoughts. Some climb trees for adventure, some do it for escapism, some do it to be able to have their own space to deal with their worries, some have the mixture of all of that.

 

[Terce]

I dealt with this a bit when I was a camp counselor years ago, and if I can make a serious suggestion; If you ask someone to open up / confide in you without setting an example, even if it's your own kid, they absolutely will not do it. If you want to enable the trust that it takes to bare your soul to someone, you need to set an example and show them that being vulnerable is not something to be afraid of. Tell your son about a couple times you were feeling depressed, even to the point of wanting to kill yourself, and talk through how you thought and how you came out of it. DO NOT say that you pulled yourself out of it, make it clear that you had love and support and were able to talk about how you were feeling without being judged.


This same thing applies to anyone online, all of those people saying "thoughts and prayers" and "please talk to me if you're feeling down" is absolutely useless. Unless you set an example yourself, nothing good will ever come from it

 

[lock2k]

Just grab the tablet and piss on it in front of your kid. The trauma should be enough to end this.

 

[Rathalos]

I definitely wouldn't dismiss the possibly that your child is actually depressed and calling out for help, instead of just being influenced by another kid.

 

[iconmaster]

You and he will get through this. I've been through some tough things with my own kids.

So it is actually a kid afaik, but a pretty smart and manipulative one from what I can tell. A big part of the problem i see from reading their messages is that she makes him feel guilty about stuff and says shes going to cut herself, and so my son feels partly responsible and its making him depressed that he cant be there for her or save her or whatever. Its all just fucked up.

First thing is to take away the tablet (and internet in general). I doubt at 11 he actually needs it for anything. Not as punishment, just as a "reset" until this can be sorted through. Yeah, that may be rough for his UK friend but she's not your problem -- he is, and he needs your help right now.

 

[poppabk]

I would definitely try and arrange counseling for your kid, don't just assume he was a happy go lucky kid until he met this 'girl' online. Even if it is this, he will still need someone to talk it over with. I would say remove his access to the internet, but I'm not an expert, and at this point it may be a bad thing to do.

 

[Tesseract]

conan the barbarian always helped me as a kid, ymmv with the graphic violence and whatnot

just a suggestion