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[bengraven]

In that case, should she be ok with opening up the marriage or making him suffer for life?

The libido eventually comes back, even if slowly. If you can't be with your partner for a couple years with rare sex (especially due to her medical complication that was out of her control), then you probably don't love that partner enough. You know?

 

[Fularu]

The libido eventually comes back, even if slowly. If you can't be with your partner for a couple years with rare sex (especially due to her medical complication that was out of her control), then you probably don't love that partner enough. You know?

That's awfully easy to say untill you've had to live through it.

"What's a couple of years?" yeah, try to get trhough that for 4 - 5 - 6 years or more, no one has a right to waste away your sex life.

 

[akira28]

Where do I find these women?

It's been pretty hard. Guys absolutely do not give a fuck about getting with a married girl, I've found, whereas girls are idealists about things and tend to go for only those that fit their criteria, and a married dude usually doesn't fit anyone's criteria. We've mostly been doing this stuff online, though, so that's probably a large part of it, but until my wife changed her profile to basically say she's a lesbian now she would fight off 15-20 messages a day. I'd be lucky if one out of every 15 girls even responded to anything from me. I'm sure though if I went out and hit up a bar or something I could find some, but I'd rather not pick up some of those types. (though my wife has urged me to try it)

Yeah basically out in public. Your wife sounds like she has an idea. Married men can and do chat women up, and it's considered manly and assertive, and a number of those women would actually consider it. Probably just as many would say no, but within those odds, there's plenty of sex going on. There are also communities devoted to swinging, but I don't know about actually seeking that out.

 

[bengraven]

That's awfully easy to say untill you've had to live through it.

"What's a couple of years?" yeah, try to get trhough that for 4 - 5 - 6 years or more, no one has a right to waste away your sex life.

I think I've made it abundantly clear without owning up to it that I was in fact the one who lived through it.

I'm sorry for the deception, but it was me and I had a nearly sexless marriage for 2 years.

 

[akira28]

I think I've made it abundantly clear without owning up to it that I was in fact the one who lived through it.

I'm sorry for the deception, but it was me and I had a nearly sexless marriage for 2 years.

If she's making an effort to make sure you're not lonely or unhappy, of course. But if she's just turning her nose up at you in bed after you've both been lounging on the couch watching Lost DVDs, and she's "just not horny as much anymore, and why do you like sex so much anyway, you ask for it all the time. Have some self control..." Bail.

Don't even bail. Jump out the window next to the bed, activate your rocketpack, hit the detonator so all your old left behind stuff disintegrates into dust, and wish your former mate the best of life.

 

[Fularu]

I think I've made it abundantly clear without owning up to it that I was in fact the one who lived through it.

I'm sorry for the deception, but it was me and I had a nearly sexless marriage for 2 years.

Two years is nothing compared to people who aren't getting any for years on end. Just saying.

Also while your wife had an illness, it's very rarely the case, you're taken for granted.

I always foud it amusing when people say that you have to take care of your wife but the reverse is hardly true.

 

[RDreamer]

The libido eventually comes back, even if slowly. If you can't be with your partner for a couple years with rare sex (especially due to her medical complication that was out of her control), then you probably don't love that partner enough. You know?

Yeah, you should definitely be able to live with a partner with rare sex and not want to leave them. That is love. On the other hand, if you have something wrong with you or want sex that little that it's affecting your partner, you really should suck it up and let them go out and get what they desire. To me it's at least a little selfish not to. My wife and I both view marriage as a partnership in order to work together and improve each other's lives in every way we possibly can.

 

[WickedAngel]

The libido eventually comes back, even if slowly. If you can't be with your partner for a couple years with rare sex (especially due to her medical complication that was out of her control), then you probably don't love that partner enough. You know?

If you expect your partner to forego an important part of a relationship for years, then you probably don't love that partner enough. You know?

 

[Cooter]

I know this is a sexless marriage thread but many here have basically stated as fact that having children is all negative and that the vague references to how they enhance your life are false. Let me say this, every individual puts higher values on certain things in life. Some cherrish the freedom (and $) to travel and be free to do activities and purchase goods. Others take tremendous joy in having a family to love. And let there be no mistake, you will never love another person more than your child. It just won't happen. That being said, I fall into the category of people who get satisfaction out of life spending it every day with people I deeply love. It's what I put importantance on. Many know having children isn't their thing and I applaud them for recognizing this and abstaining from parenthood.

 

[RustyNails]

AHA that is why. Do not worry everything will be fine. Best of luck. Do not come on GAF for while lol. I am sure you will treat her like a queen.

I hope I can avoid GAF for a while. Who am i kidding...i'll probably post my wedding album, but yeah. I know not to get marriage advice from GAF

 

[Tenks]

Where is that poster who has been dating his GF for like 3 years and not diddled the box? Lets get a check up with him in like 10 years.

 

[JetBlackPanda]

I know this is a sexless marriage thread but many here have basically stated as fact that having children is all negative and that the vague references to how they enhance your life are false. Let me say this, every individual puts higher values on certain things in life. Some cherrish the freedom (and $) to travel and be free to do activities and purchase goods. Others take tremendous joy in having a family to love. And let there be no mistake, you will never love another person more than your child. It just won't happen. That being said, I fall into the category of people who get satisfaction out of life spending it every day with people I deeply love. It's what I put importantance on. Many know having children isn't their thing and I applaud them for recognizing this and abstaining from parenthood.

this x1000 I don't understand why people who do not want children must take every opportunity to tell me how shity my life is going to be.

 

[Cooter]

this x1000 I don't understand why people who do not want children must take every opportunity to tell me how shity my life is going to be.

Because it would be shitty for them. People are different. The anti child brigade doesn't quite understand this key point.

 

[WickedAngel]

Because it would be shitty for them. People are different. The anti child brigade doesn't quite understand this key point.

Oh, we understand it. We also understand that a great many people are seduced by the glossed-over accounts of the "wonders" of children by parents who have either willingly or unconsciously omitted how horrible and demanding it can truly be.

 

[Harry Dresden]

My wife and I still have sex pretty regular. But we don't have to time or energy to put as much effort into it as we used to.

Its normally a quicky before bed or a shower bang.


Nothing about raising a kid is horrible. It's not all rainbows and bunnies and there are some sleepless nights. But I don't regret having our daughter ever. She's my world, and she will be till the day I die.

 

[Cooter]

Oh, we understand it. We also understand that a great many people are seduced by the glossed-over accounts of the "wonders" of children by parents who have either willingly or unconsciously omitted how horrible and demanding it can truly be.

These sound like the people who I was referring to that shouldn't have had kids. Describing having children as horrible is ridiculous IMO.

 

[Steve Youngblood]

Oh, we understand it. We also understand that a great many people are seduced by the glossed-over accounts of the "wonders" of children by parents who have either willingly or unconsciously omitted how horrible and demanding it can truly be.

Some people may have a more selective memory than others, but personally, as my wife and I prepared for the birth of our child, I can't think of any parents that we knew who painted child-raising as nothing but happiness and rainbows. Almost everyone I knew would emphasize that it can be hell sometimes, and you'll miss sleep dearly. The general sentiment is that ultimately it's a rewarding experience that's worth the trials and tribulations.

 

[crazy monkey]

I hope I can avoid GAF for a while. Who am i kidding...i'll probably post my wedding album, but yeah. I know not to get marriage advice from GAF

True lol except me. Also Have some bollywood dance at wedding and go crazy you marry once so enjoy every single moment. you know when people will come to shake hands on stage that moment oh man that moment you are like standing still and people are coming at you with arm wide open and you are like wtf i am married haha. That happen to me.

 

[WickedAngel]

These sound like the people who I was referring to that shouldn't have had kids. Describing having children as horrible is ridiculous IMO.

There are any number of things about children that are easily describable as horrible. For the first year, they're 100% dependent on you. They shit, piss, and puke themselves; many cry constantly from colic. Their sleep schedules are sporadic at best and often see them waking up several times a night. That fits well within my definition of "horrible".

 

[Steve Youngblood]

There are any number of things about children that are easily describable as horrible. For the first year, they're 100% dependent on you. They shit, piss, and puke themselves; many cry constantly from colic. Their sleep schedules are sporadic at best and often see them waking up several times a night. That fits well within my definition of "horrible".

But, again, I really don't know anyone who glosses over these facts. I haven't met anyone personally who proclaimed that their little angel not only slept through the night, but was born potty-trained.

 

[Harry Dresden]

We had our daughter sleeping through the night by 6 months.

 

[WickedAngel]

But, again, I really don't know anyone who glosses over these facts. I haven't met anyone personally who proclaimed that their little angel not only slept through the night, but was born potty-trained.

I've known a great deal of people who would omit those things in discussions unless pushed. Why? Because they don't want to admit it themselves. It isn't fun or glorious and it doesn't fit the narrative that they want to push while they're trotting their "little bundle of joy" around for all to see.

 

[Cooter]

There are any number of things about children that are easily describable as horrible. For the first year, they're 100% dependent on you. They shit, piss, and puke themselves; many cry constantly from colic. Their sleep schedules are sporadic at best and often see them waking up several times a night. That fits well within my definition of "horrible".

Not mine. You are giving to a child what they need to survive and creating deep bonds. At no time during any of our 3 kids "first year" did my wife and I consider it a horrible experience. Hard and draining? Absolutely.

 

[JetBlackPanda]

I've known a great deal of people who would omit those things in discussions unless pushed. Why? Because they don't want to admit it themselves. It isn't fun or glorious and it doesn't fit the narrative that they want to push while they're trotting their "little bundle of joy" around for all to see.

sounds like you know some horrible people.

Me and my wife did not choose to have kids because its fun or easy or glorious, we were married for 8 years and have seen a lot. We decided as a couple that having children is an experience we wanted to work through together.

 

[WickedAngel]

Not mine. You are giving to a child what they need to survive and creating deep bonds. At no time during any of our 3 kids "first year" did my wife and I consider it a horrible experience. Hard and draining? Absolutely.

You sound exactly like the type of person I'm talking about, to be honest. The fact that you're so defensive and selective about the wording is telling of that.

 

[Cooter]

I've known a great deal of people who would omit those things in discussions unless pushed. Why? Because they don't want to admit it themselves. It isn't fun or glorious and it doesn't fit the narrative that they want to push while they're trotting their "little bundle of joy" around for all to see.

What person states that raising a child is 100% fun and joy all the time? Every parent I know acknowledges the hard times. I'm not getting where all your perceived bitterness is coming from.

 

[Harry Dresden]

You sound exactly like the type of person I'm talking about, to be honest. The fact that you're so defensive and selective about the wording is telling of that.

So there is no alternative, in your mind, then to find raising an infant a horrible and torturous experience?

 

[Steve Youngblood]

You sound exactly like the type of person I'm talking about, to be honest. The fact that you're so defensive and selective about the wording is telling of that.

So, what exactly do you want? Is your goal to try and get parents to admit that having children blows and that people who are smart enough to not have kids have more fun in life?

 

[Cooter]

You sound exactly like the type of person I'm talking about, to be honest. The fact that you're so defensive and selective about the wording is telling of that.

You sound like a person who tries a little too hard trying to convince other parents (yourself) how miserable they really are.

 

[LosDaddie]

this x1000 I don't understand why people who do not want children must take every opportunity to tell me how shity my life is going to be.

That's just how GAF operates with marriage/having kids threads. It's expected from a forum full of 20something college students who are tasting freedom for the first time in their lives. Remember how much support the "Happy Loner" and "Adults Living with Parents" threads get here.

 

[WickedAngel]

So there is no alternative, in your mind, then to find raising an infant a horrible and torturous experience?

No, there isn't. The freedom that allows my wife and I to enjoy our relationship is infinitely more appealing than being tied to a hopelessly dependent, oft disgusting child for a significant portion of the best years of our lives.

 

[Harry Dresden]

No, there isn't. The freedom that allows my wife and I to enjoy our relationship is infinitely more appealing than being tied to a hopelessly dependent, oft disgusting child for a significant portion of the best years of our lives.

And because that's how you feel, that is how everyone in the world should feel?

 

[Miggytronz]

I can say at least in my situation sex has dwindled to a rarity. Yes i have a 17month old daughter, but it was dwindling well before she was born. Every now and then i just gotta go rub one out kuz she sure as fuck isnt gonna help me. And yes ive spoken to her about this, she is in agreement that havent not enough sex sucks but has she made the adjustment nope. I just carry on with life i guess.

 

[WickedAngel]

And because that's how you feel, that is how everyone in the world should feel?

The same question could be applied to you and your ilk, champ. Everyone should be expected to characterize the experience of child rearing with rosy language comprised of positive adjectives? No amount of cuteness or smiles will ever convince me that cleaning up shit, piss, and puke at 4AM in the morning for a screaming baby is a beautiful experience that builds worthwhile bonds.

 

[Harry Dresden]

I must admit.

Sex while she was pregnant was some of the best sex we'd ever had.

 

[Cooter]

No, there isn't. The freedom that allows my wife and I to enjoy our relationship is infinitely more appealing than being tied to a hopelessly dependent, oft disgusting child for a significant portion of the best years of our lives.

Dude, fuck off. Everyone is different. You sound like a teenager. I'm glad you chose not to procreate. Very glad.

 

[JetBlackPanda]

No, there isn't. The freedom that allows my wife and I to enjoy our relationship is infinitely more appealing than being tied to a hopelessly dependent, oft disgusting child for a significant portion of the best years of our lives.

If that is what makes you happy more power to you, However I have a problem with you generalizing every person that wants to have kids as a lying miserable person that hates life.

how long have you been married if you don't mind me asking?

 

[WickedAngel]

Dude, fuck off. Everyone is different. You sound like a teenager. In glad you chose not to procreate. Very glad.

Shouldn't you be taking care of your soul-sucking children you fucking cunt?

 

[Steve Youngblood]

The same question could be applied to you and your ilk, champ. Everyone should be expected to characterize the experience of child rearing with rosy language comprised of positive adjectives? No amount of cuteness or smiles will ever convince me that cleaning up shit, piss, and puke at 4AM in the morning for a screaming baby is a beautiful experience that builds worthwhile bonds.

So, again, I ask: what is your goal? Do you want everyone who has had kids to come clean and say "Man, I fucked up WickedAngel. I thought it would be fulfilling but I hate every second of every day. I wish I was in your shoes, as I just know that your life is better than mine because you were smart and knew better than to have children."

 

[WickedAngel]

So, again, I ask: what is your goal? Do you want everyone who has had kids to come clean and say "Man, I fucked up WickedAngel. I thought it would be fulfilling but I hate every second of every day. I wish I was in your shoes, as I just know that your life is better than mine because you were smart and knew better than to have children."

How about admitting how nasty and unbearable it can be? That would suffice.

 

[Cooter]

Shouldn't you be taking care of your soul-sucking children you fucking cunt?

Lol. You don't even realize how pathetic you look in this little exchange. I feel kinda bad for you. Glad you and your wife are happy and the sex is great.

 

[Cooter]

How about admitting how nasty and unbearable it can be? That would suffice.

Because the words you choose to use don't represent how we feel. How about accepting peoples opinions at face value?

 

[Harry Dresden]

How about admitting how nasty and unbearable it can be? That would suffice.

But it wasn't nasty and or unbearable. Baby poop up the back? Done it. Piss on the floor? Done it. Puke everywhere? Done it. Up at 4 a.m.? Done it.

Did I go through it with a smile on my face? Hell no. Was I tired as fuck? Of course. Was it worth it? Absolutely.

When she was 2 months I fed her a bottle and got her up to burp her. She burped and then some. About half a bottle of puke right down my back. I handed her to mom, she cleaned her up, I changed my shirt and we continued on with our day.

 

[stuminus3]

That's just how GAF operates with marriage/having kids threads. It's expected from a forum full of 20something college students who are tasting freedom for the first time in their lives.

Exactly. Don't bother arguing with WickedAngel, guys, it's completely pointless.

Anyway, on topic, I feel sorry for you guys who are living a completely sexless life after marriage, especially after having kids. It's been my worst nightmare, thankfully one that's not come true (in the long term, at least). It's funny, I freaked out about this for around a year after my daughter was born, but what ended up happening was that during the period between when my daughter was around a year old up to when my wife got pregnant with my son I honestly (and unexpectedly) had the best sex I've ever had in my life. My wife used to joke about how good it was when I was convinced I'd never have sex again. I say "it's funny" because I've gone through exactly the same peaks and troughs since my son was born, it's like I completely forgot how things went before.

Thankfully I appear to be on the upswing again. All the advice I can give is that a mother of very young children feels like exactly that, a mom (I have the double whammy of the fact that my wife is also a kindergarten teacher). It takes a lot of loving, a lot of understanding, and a whole damn lot of patience to make her feel like a woman again, to help her see herself as you see her. Treat her like a Goddess, not like a Fleshlight. In my case it's helped that my wife and I are remarkably sexually compatible - we both like and dislike exactly the same things. She even likes the same porn as me. As the years go by, and this was mentioned earlier but nobody really discussed it, a little fantasy can go a long, long way. Neither of us are into dressing up or something like that, but I know the right combination of naughty stories and whispered words that'll drive her crazy given the chance. I really can't stress enough how well this works if both parties are into it, you don't need wild swingers parties or anything like that to really spice things up.

Sorry if my success makes anyone feel bad, I just wanted to share what I've learned over the years. Interesting topic!

 

[Dreams-Visions]

So, again, I ask: what is your goal? Do you want everyone who has had kids to come clean and say "Man, I fucked up WickedAngel. I thought it would be fulfilling but I hate every second of every day. I wish I was in your shoes, as I just know that your life is better than mine because you were smart and knew better than to have children."

haha.

At the end of the day, it comes down to simply being realistic. Generally, it can be assumed that your sex life will slow after marriage and even more after kids. It won't stop, but the frequency will draw down greatly, as is somewhat natural. But the flip side is that you get the benefit of a true life partner that will be there for you always, and you'll be able to enjoy the joy of a family in the healthiest family structure possible (assuming you're not fighting constantly or something).

It's a simple cost/benefit matter. If getting sex frequently is more important to you than having a spouse to live, love and grow with and bringing children into the healthiest possible environment, don't get married or have kids. If you can handle a slowing libido (either in you or your spouse) over time and are receptive to all the other benefits of marriage, go for it and never have another lonely night again. And who knows, you and your spouse might be the sexual exception who continue having sex in year 15 that you did in year 1. I wish that for all of you.

 

[Steve Youngblood]

How about admitting how nasty and unbearable it can be? That would suffice.

It can certainly be frustrating at times when you're dead tired and have to change a diaper and/or feed and/or burp and/or rock a child in the middle of the night and it's another hour or two before they're calm again and you can get back to a small amount of sleep before going into work.

But do you think people are just lying when they talk about the good times of being a parent?

 

[WickedAngel]

It can certainly be frustrating at times when you're dead tired and have to change a diaper and/or feed and/or burp and/or rock a child in the middle of the night and it's another hour or two before they're calm again and you can get back to a small amount of sleep before going into work.

But do you think people are just lying when they talk about the good times of being a parent?

I used to think they're subconsciously overstating the positives and unintentionally omitting the hard times. This thread has convinced me that it's indeed conscious and that words are carefully chosen, thought the reason is unclear.

Looks like Dyno nailed it a full page ago.

I am actually so fucking tired of this sentiment because A) it's a vague, throw-away statement, and B) it closes out conversation on the topic.

 

[Fularu]

I can say at least in my situation sex has dwindled to a rarity. Yes i have a 17month old daughter, but it was dwindling well before she was born. Every now and then i just gotta go rub one out kuz she sure as fuck isnt gonna help me. And yes ive spoken to her about this, she is in agreement that havent not enough sex sucks but has she made the adjustment nope. I just carry on with life i guess.

You won't get more and one day the frustration from not having any (or very little of it, and as you said it had little to do with parenthood) will slowly and surely make you more and more miserable.

In short, while I know it isn't easy (took me years), your best bet is to bail out if she's not doing anything to change the current status quo.

 

[Cooter]

It can certainly be frustrating at times when you're dead tired and have to change a diaper and/or feed and/or burp and/or rock a child in the middle of the night and it's another hour or two before they're calm again and you can get back to a small amount of sleep before going into work.

But do you think people are just lying when they talk about the good times of being a parent?

Haven't you been reading? Of course he does. They're just lying to try and make him feel bad for his childless life. All parents would switch places with him in a heartbeat if they could.

 

[JetBlackPanda]

I used to think they're subconsciously overstating the positives and unintentionally omitting the hard times. This thread has convinced me that it's indeed conscious and that words are carefully chosen, thought the reason is unclear.

Looks like Dyno nailed it a full page ago.

Do you hate children? Do you have any nephews or nieces? I am curious how often you interact with children at all.

you never answered me earlier, how long have you and your wife been together?

if you don't want to answer me just let me know.