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I found out I got a girl pregnant, advice?

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G

Gravy Boat

Member
grumble said:
In this case he might. If they split and she wants the kid and she goes to japan he will most likely never see his kid again. Even if he tries to stop her as soon as she goes to japan there is nothing he can do. I guess he could fly to japan and kidnap the child back but good luck.
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Or fight for custody, which he'd have a strong case for since the kid has friends here and goes to school here.
 
Trojita

Trojita

Rapid Response Threadmaker
Get yourself killed by a brother you never knew existed and let your child be raised by a green guy that has wanted to kill you.
 
Cybrwzrd

Cybrwzrd

Banned
Zoe said:
Custody doesn't matter to the parent who kidnaps the child in the cases they're talking about.
Click to expand...

Exactly. Japan has a terrible track record when it comes to international child abduction.

Anyways I wasn't trying to thread jack, was just trying to give the OT some advice from my experience in a similar situation.
 
B

Brandwin

Member
Cybrwzrd said:
It's like you trolls ignore the entire post to focus on one thing. You know nothing.
Click to expand...

Nope. I read the post and not a troll. I don’t see how you can say she took your youth, dreams and goals from you, as if you had no part in the situation.

You said you were 2 weeks from breaking up with her, relationship was going nowhere, but you decided to have sex with her again (unprotected I am assuming) and she got pregnant.

It’s kind of your fault, no?
 
A

ApharmdX

Banned
Cybrwzrd said:
I'm going to weigh in here since I went through this and am well over 10 years into it.

I got my girlfriend pregnant 2-3 weeks before I broke up with her and moved back to the USA from Japan. The end was coming, we were not in love and since it was time for me to go back to the USA we were not going to pursue a long distance relationship.

She insisted on not having an abortion and I begged her to since I was in no financial place to take care of a baby, having just returned to the USA from school in Japan. She was not happy with me for asking her to abort. We had some serious fights over it. She refused to listen to my reasons - and still expected me to marry her.

So I married her. Got her a visa and she moved here. A woman I had dated for all of three months, and had a significant age gap with. (10 years my senior - I 23 her 33 at that time)

Our relationship has been garbage for all 10 years, but I have done my best to be a good father. It has been the literal definition of a sexless marriage. Neither one of us has ever forgiven the other - and I have even stayed with her through a cancer battle.

She took my youth and dreams and goals, I asked her to give up the one thing she ever wanted in life.

I am going to drop the divorce bomba on her very soon. I can't do it anymore. I feel like 10 years of my life were wasted.

So long story short, stand your ground. Get her to have the abortion. If she won't man up and be a father but don't marry her. She will never forgive you for asking her to abort if she wants to keep it.
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing your story. I went through something similar as well 13 years ago. I was having a casual relationship with a woman, which wasn't working out. She got pregnant, and announced it to her entire family before telling me. I waited two days, shell-shocked, and then asked her to get an abortion. She refused and resented me every day for it. Then I made the worst mistake, same as you- I married her, to be there for my son. After 8 loveless, unhappy years and two more children (one of which she secretly stopped taking birth control to get pregnant), I divorced her. Now, 4 years later, I have full custody of our oldest, and we share equal custody of our other two children, perhaps soon to be with me primarily as well. I love my children very much, and I wouldn't be where I am today without them, but it was a painful and expensive path.

I agree with you 100%. You do have to stand your ground with regards to your position on abortion. If she decides to have the child, you must be a father. Fight for equal time and equal legal rights. Sacrifice towards that goal. Understand your rights. Don't just be a support check. Children need a father more than they need money.
 
U

uncelestial

Member
Brandwin said:
Nope. I read the post and not a troll. I don’t see how you can say she took your youth, dreams and goals from you, as if you had no part in the situation.

You said you were 2 weeks from breaking up with her, relationship was going nowhere, but you decided to have sex with her again (unprotected I am assuming) and she got pregnant.

It’s kind of your fault, no?
Click to expand...
Yeah, you are trolling. He stepped up to the call of fatherhood, rather than deciding to just be a guy who signs checks, when it was clear a child was coming and she wasn't going to let him off the hook for it -- and it cost him 10 miserable years. Saying this misery is simply "his fault" is trolling-ass bullshit when there are about 50 other choices the woman could've made that would've resulted in a different outcome.
 
Cybrwzrd

Cybrwzrd

Banned
Brandwin said:
Nope. I read the post and not a troll. I don’t see how you can say she took your youth, dreams and goals from you, as if you had no part in the situation.

You said you were 2 weeks from breaking up with her, relationship was going nowhere, but you decided to have sex with her again (unprotected I am assuming) and she got pregnant.

It’s kind of your fault, no?
Click to expand...

How about this - you go live the past 10 years of my life then come back and tell me how I should feel. Maybe then you can know what dreams were crushed, how years were wasted and what goals were lost and how she has hurt me over the years. Might be deeper than some simple "I have a kid now, oh my life is ruined" bullshit. Until that day, all you are adding to the conversation is simple platitude about culpability.
 
A

anarckitty

Member
Glad you guys were able to sit down and have an adult conversation about it.

Forgive me if I missed it, but did you offer to pay for half of the procedure?
 
C

ChouGoku

Member
anarckitty said:
Glad you guys were able to sit down and have an adult conversation about it.

Forgive me if I missed it, but did you offer to pay for half of the procedure?
Click to expand...

Well she doesnt have any money so I'm paying for the whole procedure at first then getting paid back half later.
 
I

inki

Member
First things first.

Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity (NIPP): A non-invasive prenatal paternity test is the most accurate non-invasive way to establish paternity before the baby is born. The process is state-of-the-art, combining the latest technology and proprietary methods of preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. This test requires only a simple blood collection from the mother and alleged father and can be performed any time after the 8th week of pregnancy. The test is 99.9% accurate.

Then if it's yours, you need to decide (together) if she's going to choose to have an abortion. If she doesn't you step up and become a man. You do what you need to do to take care of that child's well being.
 
R

roflwaffles

Member
Cybrwzrd said:
I'm going to weigh in here since I went through this and am well over 10 years into it.

I got my girlfriend pregnant 2-3 weeks before I broke up with her and moved back to the USA from Japan. The end was coming, we were not in love and since it was time for me to go back to the USA we were not going to pursue a long distance relationship.

She insisted on not having an abortion and I begged her to since I was in no financial place to take care of a baby, having just returned to the USA from school in Japan. She was not happy with me for asking her to abort. We had some serious fights over it. She refused to listen to my reasons - and still expected me to marry her.

So I married her. Got her a visa and she moved here. A woman I had dated for all of three months, and had a significant age gap with. (10 years my senior - I 23 her 33 at that time)

Our relationship has been garbage for all 10 years, but I have done my best to be a good father. It has been the literal definition of a sexless marriage. Neither one of us has ever forgiven the other - and I have even stayed with her through a cancer battle.

She took my youth and dreams and goals, I asked her to give up the one thing she ever wanted in life.

I am going to drop the divorce bomba on her very soon. I can't do it anymore. I feel like 10 years of my life were wasted. Not wasted on my son. Wasted being with a woman who I don't have a relationship with other than on paper.

So long story short, stand your ground. Get her to have the abortion. If she won't man up and be a father but don't marry her. She will never forgive you for asking her to abort if she wants to keep it.
Click to expand...
:(
 
R

Regulus Tera

Romanes Eunt Domus
ChouGoku said:
Edit: So we talked about it, it looks like we are going through with the abortion. Thanks for some of the actual advice in this thread it helped. Obviously I took many responses with a grain of salt as it seemed like some people thought I was some player forcing some girl to do an unwanted abortion so I could party more, which wasnt the case. It was a good conversation, she first stated her reasons why she was unsure, then I stated my reasons why I think this would be a terrible idea and we came to an understanding. We both said we were glad to have the talk and it sounds like both of us feel better about going through with this.
Click to expand...
A relationship (sorta) advice thread where the OP actually follows the advice? Hallelujah.
 
K

koryuken

Member
Cybrwzrd said:
I'm going to weigh in here since I went through this and am well over 10 years into it.

I got my girlfriend pregnant 2-3 weeks before I broke up with her and moved back to the USA from Japan. The end was coming, we were not in love and since it was time for me to go back to the USA we were not going to pursue a long distance relationship.

She insisted on not having an abortion and I begged her to since I was in no financial place to take care of a baby, having just returned to the USA from school in Japan. She was not happy with me for asking her to abort. We had some serious fights over it. She refused to listen to my reasons - and still expected me to marry her.

So I married her. Got her a visa and she moved here. A woman I had dated for all of three months, and had a significant age gap with. (10 years my senior - I 23 her 33 at that time)

Our relationship has been garbage for all 10 years, but I have done my best to be a good father. It has been the literal definition of a sexless marriage. Neither one of us has ever forgiven the other - and I have even stayed with her through a cancer battle.

She took my youth and dreams and goals, I asked her to give up the one thing she ever wanted in life.

I am going to drop the divorce bomba on her very soon. I can't do it anymore. I feel like 10 years of my life were wasted. Not wasted on my son. Wasted being with a woman who I don't have a relationship with other than on paper.

So long story short, stand your ground. Get her to have the abortion. If she won't man up and be a father but don't marry her. She will never forgive you for asking her to abort if she wants to keep it.
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing your story, it is very sad. However, you do still have your life ahead of you. You are still young (early 30's) and endless opportunities and experiences still await you.
 
B

Brandwin

Member
Cybrwzrd said:
It's like you trolls ignore the entire post to focus on one thing. You know nothing.
Click to expand...

uncelestial said:
Yeah, you are trolling. He stepped up to the call of fatherhood, rather than deciding to just be a guy who signs checks, when it was clear a child was coming and she wasn't going to let him off the hook for it -- and it cost him 10 miserable years. Saying this misery is simply "his fault" is trolling-ass bullshit when there are about 50 other choices the woman could've made that would've resulted in a different outcome.
Click to expand...
Nah…. He had just as much of a part of it as she did is what I was saying. I guess I should have said it's as much as his fault as hers? I didn't mean to make it seem like I was placing all the blame on him, but he made it seem like he was placing all the blame on her for having the child.

Cybrwzrd said:
How about this - you go live the past 10 years of my life then come back and tell me how I should feel. Maybe then you can know what dreams were crushed, how years were wasted and what goals were lost and how she has hurt me over the years. Might be deeper than some simple "I have a kid now, oh my life is ruined" bullshit. Until that day, all you are adding to the conversation is simple platitude about culpability.
Click to expand...

I can only go by the details you provided. I can’t give you a pat on the back for raising the kid you help conceive, it’s kind of what you are supposed to do?

I do admire you for standing by her side through something as horrible as cancer, when you don’t even care about the person and maybe even hate her.

But you are right, I have no idea what all you have been through, I just felt like saying she ruined your life was a bit extreme since you played a part in making a baby.

I do apologize though. If I came off as an ass it was not my intentions, I don’t usually play that type of roll on the internet or real life.
 
F

flyover

Member
levious said:
Just pay for it. Don't take any money from her.
Click to expand...
Seriously. Ignoring everything else about the situation, in strictly financial terms, paying for an abortion is a pittance compared to the alternative. And it's just the decent thing to do, if she already is short on cash.

Edit: By the way, good for both of you for talking it through together and coming to a decision.
 
T

Triggerhappytel

Member
ChouGoku said:
Well she doesnt have any money so I'm paying for the whole procedure at first then getting paid back half later.
Click to expand...

levious said:
Just pay for it. Don't take any money from her.
Click to expand...

flyover said:
Seriously. Ignoring everything else about the situation, in strictly financial terms, paying for an abortion is a pittance compared to the alternative. And it's just the decent thing to do, if she already is short on cash.
Click to expand...

Yep, just pay for it and consider it a massive bullet dodged. And buy some condoms!
 
F

Faddy

Banned
Assuming the money for the procedure isn't a huge burden for you I would pay and leave it at that. Do you really want to have her text you a couple of months from now and have all this brought up again?

If you have decided you don't want a relationship with her and won't see her again socially best to make a clean break now rather than draw it out.
 
C

ChouGoku

Member
Idk how much it is with insurance yet but without it it is a huge burden for me, if its not that much I will just take the L and leave it at that
 
B

B-B-Bomba!

Member
Cybrwzrd said:
It's like you trolls ignore the entire post to focus on one thing. You know nothing.
Click to expand...
To head off further dead herrings, you might edit your original sentence to give it a preface of: "Our relationship was permanently soured by unshakeable resentments:"

(And then list hers & yours as you did). I get it, but it's potentially unclear.
 
Z

zeshakag

Member
I'm glad the two of you have decided together to get an abortion OP. I'm sure both of you have probably learned a lot in the process and am glad you two don't need to halt your life while unprepared.
 
M

Messofanego

Banned
ChouGoku said:
Edit: So we talked about it, it looks like we are going through with the abortion. Thanks for some of the actual advice in this thread it helped. Obviously I took many responses with a grain of salt as it seemed like some people thought I was some player forcing some girl to do an unwanted abortion so I could party more, which wasnt the case. It was a good conversation, she first stated her reasons why she was unsure, then I stated my reasons why I think this would be a terrible idea and we came to an understanding. We both said we were glad to have the talk and it sounds like both of us feel better about going through with this.
Click to expand...
Good to hear.
 
L

levious

That throwing stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us.
ChouGoku said:
Idk how much it is with insurance yet but without it it is a huge burden for me, if its not that much I will just take the L and leave it at that
Click to expand...

Bear the financial burden. You got what you wanted and she has to endure the surgery and aftermath. I'm not saying she'll regret it, but she'll have to go through the full wave of hormones similar to post partem. Just pay for it.
 
M

machemachete

Banned
Its not her choice.
Its not your choice.

Its the choice of both of you as parents.

Also OP don't consider abortion, 15 years from now that kid could be your best choice and the engine to keep you moving.

Things happens for a reason, be an adult and asume the consequences.
 
M

Mauricio_Magus

Banned
machemachete said:
Its not her choice.
Its not your choice.

Its the choice of both of you as parents.

Also OP don't consider abortion, 15 years from now that kid could be your best choice and the engine to keep you moving.

Things happens for a reason, be an adult and asume the consequences.
Click to expand...

why shouldn't he consider abortion? They both already did and decided to do it.

OP can have a baby with someone he loves someday when he's ready.

"Things happen for a reason" is fucking BS, of course shit happens for a reason, that doesn't mean you have to just deal with it.
 
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