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[Deified Data]

I fart myself awake all the time - they're the only embarassing farts I have, really. If I'm awake, I can usually strategicaly tip myself at such an angle that an otherwise raucous fart is released in small, stealthy doses. When I'm sleeping, I fart when I fart, and hope I'm not near someone at the time.

I can at least say I've never farted during sex. At the end of the day, there's that.

 

[ced]

Back when I was working a job that required a lot of travel I got to the airport early to enjoy some beer before the flight to ease my nervousness. Had a couple beers and mixed some fried food in which ended up being my downfall. Went to the gate and the flight was delayed 2 hours, so with nothing better to do I returned to the bar and had some more beer.

Towards the end of the 2 hour flight I could start to feel the rumble in the jungle. Lots of beer + greasy cheesy food + 6 hours of brewing in the gut = some of the worst smelling gas you can imagine. It was the beer shit kind, felt like steam coming off the stove. Fortunately the flight was not full and I had my side of the row to myself. I went to the bathroom to get rid of the first wave and second wave but by the third and final wave we were in the landing approach and you're not supposed to leave your seat.

There was no holding wave 3's gas back, no matter the asshole clenching it would just come out. It felt like someone poured warm water on my lap every time, and it smelled so fucking bad. I know everyone in that plane could smell it, it had a presence. Well about 10 minutes till touch down the soft serve hit my asshole and it was on. With a sweaty red face I had to do the pinched ass walk of shame all the way down the isle to the bathroom, all while carpet bombing everyone between my seat and the bathroom. Everyone's eyes were on me, and they finally knew who it was.

I stayed in the bathroom while we landed, when the flight attendant beat on the door and told me that I had to return to my seat I just answered "Sorry but it aint gonna happen", I guess she experienced the smell and understood.

 

[BaltimoreLarry]

Most embarrassing fart I ever had was in an elevator. The doors were closed and I ripped one, only to find an odor most pungent. A real rotten-egger. Then, three floors before I needed to get off, the doors open and this smoking hot chick walks in. There was no way she couldn't smell it, and there was no way to deny.

The best fart I ever ripped was in high school. I was sitting in class during a test, it was dead silent, and I ripped one. But because of those plastic chairs with the curved butt recess, the fart slapped off the plastic and amplified.

I could swear it was so loud it echoed off the cold concrete walls. My reaction....uncontrollable laughter. I fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard, regardless of the disgusted looks from my classmates.

Good times.

 

[ScOULaris]

Well about 10 minutes till touch down the soft serve hit my asshole and it was on.

I'm so glad this thread has been revived. Wordplay at its finest.

 

[Marleyman]

In my cubicle as my manager just happened to stand next to me about 10 minutes ago. She DEFINITELY had to smell it.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I had low blood pressure and had to have blood taken at the doctors, I blacked out and let out an almighty fart as it happened. I don't know which was more embarrassing, lying on the floor in a doctors surgery in front of like 20 people or farting in front of them all.

 

[borghe]

the only correct answer to this question is:

"while standing immediately in front of someone"

 

[Lactose_Intolerant]

With my Doctor's finger up my butt. It didn't make any noise, but I released some gas.

 

[Reseil]

Not me, but an old friend was out at the local wing joint swilling draft beer and eating their hottest wings all night.

As the story was told, apparantly on the drive home, he had a core breach and unleashed what he described as the nastiest smelling flatus ever created by man. He compared it to being punched in the face basically. It was so vile that he instantly starts gagging, has to pull the car over, and starts blowing chunks on the side of the road.

Fast forward a few minutes and a cop pulls up behind him, steps out of the cruiser and starts walking towards the car. He didn't even get to complete the "son, have you been drinking?" sentence before the vomit / fart wave hit him. So now my buddy is still hanging out of the car dry heaving and the cop is doubled over gagging apparently. By the time the second cruiser pulled up, the cloud had settled and my friend had regained his composure. When he explained what had transpired, the officers asked if he needed an ambulance. lol. He was pretty scared about the cops giving him the drunk test, but according to him, he had basically "farted himself sober." So next time you have a cop in the rear view and you've had a few too many, try and ass blast your way out of it.

I wish they had dash cams back then, I would have paid good money to see that go down.

 

[mrklaw]

I like it when you do lots of little farts as you're walking along, or up steps - in time with your steps.

So its like parp-parp-parp. Love it.

 

[C.Dark.DN]

Not embarrassing but..

When I was younger I got on my dads bed and put my ass over his head and let out a fart loud enough to wake him up and he got PISSED. lol.

 

[Feep]

I know, I know... this is an incredibly inane and immature topic, but I'm bored at work.

For me, it was in my Computer Science class in college. I was in a classroom (with desks, not just seats like in a lecture hall) with about 50 other students. I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, so I ended up falling asleep with my head down on my desk halfway through class. About ten minutes later, I farted myself awake.

You read that right. I guess being hunched over my desk in such an awkward fashion put pressure on my bowels and forced out a fart that was so intense it woke me from my slumber. I full-on ripped ass. We're talking Whoopee Cushion here. As if the thunderous noise of my fart vibrating between my asscheeks and the hard seat didn't call enough attention to me, the fact that it woke me up made it twice as embarrassing. When it happened, I immediately pulled my head from my desk and sat up perfectly straight, leaving no doubt for anyone in the class that I was the source of the gaseous interruption.

As a bonus, it happened again in another class the following week. :lol

Anyway, got any similar stories? Should this be an early nominee for Worst Thread of 2011?

Wait a minute.

Tell me you went to the University of Florida. Fucking TELL ME. This exact same thing happened six years ago, in my freshman intro to Java class.

This would be legendary.

 

[wetwired]

In my buttocks

 

[Steelrain]

I was riding my bike to school and there's this big ass hill on the way. This girl in front of me was going too slow so I moved to pass her, pumping my legs hard to get up this hill. Just as Soon as I pulled aside, I let one fly right as my ass crossed her line of sight.

I like to think my aggressive pedaling, grunting and the poo particles blasting her face all added up to scream "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!" I glanced back but, wearing sunglasses, it probably made me look like an even bigger asshole I wonder where she is now.

 

[beje]

PE class, just after the teacher asked us if we knew the difference between "strength" and "effort". Yes, it was VERY loud.

 

[Vega]

Back when I was working a job that required a lot of travel I got to the airport early to enjoy some beer before the flight to ease my nervousness. Had a couple beers and mixed some fried food in which ended up being my downfall. Went to the gate and the flight was delayed 2 hours, so with nothing better to do I returned to the bar and had some more beer.

Towards the end of the 2 hour flight I could start to feel the rumble in the jungle. Lots of beer + greasy cheesy food + 6 hours of brewing in the gut = some of the worst smelling gas you can imagine. It was the beer shit kind, felt like steam coming off the stove. Fortunately the flight was not full and I had my side of the row to myself. I went to the bathroom to get rid of the first wave and second wave but by the third and final wave we were in the landing approach and you're not supposed to leave your seat.

There was no holding wave 3's gas back, no matter the asshole clenching it would just come out. It felt like someone poured warm water on my lap every time, and it smelled so fucking bad. I know everyone in that plane could smell it, it had a presence. Well about 10 minutes till touch down the soft serve hit my asshole and it was on. With a sweaty red face I had to do the pinched ass walk of shame all the way down the isle to the bathroom, all while carpet bombing everyone between my seat and the bathroom. Everyone's eyes were on me, and they finally knew who it was.

I stayed in the bathroom while we landed, when the flight attendant beat on the door and told me that I had to return to my seat I just answered "Sorry but it aint gonna happen", I guess she experienced the smell and understood.

Omg I'm dying here at work :lol !

 

[ScOULaris]

Wait a minute.

Tell me you went to the University of Florida. Fucking TELL ME. This exact same thing happened six years ago, in my freshman intro to Java class.

This would be legendary.

Close. I went to UCF.

 

[iNvid02]

Not embarrassing but..

When I was younger I got on my dads bed and put my ass over his head and let out a fart loud enough to wake him up and he got PISSED. lol.

the fuck lol

 

[X26]

In a crowded elevator in a japanese airport

 

[MidnightScott]

That Kashi cereal is the worst, all of that fiber makes me gassy.

I think I farted in class when I was in High School and a few people knew it was me so I was kind of embarrassed.

 

[Dr Prob]

Sharted while riding Space Mountain.

Mom, Dad: Don't think we're going to catch that Country Bear Jamboree show. Kinda pooped my pants back there on Space Mountain.

 

[ZROCOOL]

Right now, waiting for the doctor to see me.

Spoiler

The nurse walk-in

 

[Tambini]

The funniest thread returns!

 

[HeadlessRoland]

I myself have never farted anywhere that was embarrassing enough to remember. Being rail thin means my ass doesn't actually provide a wind tunnel to focus the fart into a hideous sound. But my father once farted as I introduced him to my long term gf and her mother. He has the manners of a fucking troll. I was mortified.

 

[cagelessrat]

There's a deaf Indian man who lives in the house across from me. It's actually sort of sad because he has never learned sign language. And I don't think he can read lips, but even if he did...he doesn't know English. He spends all of his time outside. So on numerous occasions I have heard him rip huge farts that echo through the neighborhood. He doesn't even have a reaction on his face. He just does not care. He farts and he's proud.

 

[Manager]

#1 During a math test in high school. Completely silent in the room, 30 pupils or so. I was about to sneeze, but at the same time as sneezing I let one rip, hard. I hoped no one noticed because of the loud sneeze, but then the guy in front of me yelled "WTF!!".

#2 Worked at a large airport. When arriving with train you have to stand in an elevator for quite a long time to get up from underground. A damn cute air stewardess entered it with me. For some reason I let one rip silently, really bad one too. Longest 30 seconds of my life.

Then, I worked at airport security. Out of all of the thousands of security staff, she walked to my control 15 minutes later. Had to search her, not cool. Longest 60 seconds of my life.

 

[SmellyHands]

During a sit-up portion of a fitness test and I had a guy holding my feet and...yeah. Short shorts and all that.

 

[Escape Goat]

Not me but during sex. Mood. Destroyed.

 

[moniker]

You're post kinda reaffirms his point. Why are you so ashamed?!

oh, and you probably fart in your sleep if you don't fart daily.

Not necessarily, what you eat plays a big role. Cut the phytic acid/lectin infested, intestinal damaging gluten grains and other stuff high in fiber and you will fart a lot less.

 

[Baraka in the White House]

This thread just reminded me that I can't remember the last time I had a good, beefy fart. I just don't get gas anymore and I used to be able to rip ass with gusto.

 

[Liquidsnake]

I have a story that is 100% true, yet might get me banned for subject matter.

 

[mrklaw]

I've never heard my wife fart, ever.

 

[Ash Sparrow]

Walgreens. Not sure what we'd eaten, but me and my brother took out that place like a controlled fart demolition

 

[Indrid Cold1]

This is a truly great thread. Some awesome bum notes have been played by a lot of you guys.

Mine would easily be the delivery room when my wife was having our son. He was born mid morning so I'd just had scrambled eggs and two cans of coke for breakfast. I thought I could sneak it out amidst the screams but it sounded like a damn tripod from the Spielberg war of the worlds film. Strangely enough the midwife turned to look at me and said "its ok to be nervous you know". To be fair my wife also dropped a couple of mean ones herself during the pushing.

 

[jasonng]

This is a truly great thread. Some awesome bum notes have been played by a lot of you guys.

Mine would easily be the delivery room when my wife was having our son. He was born mid morning so I'd just had scrambled eggs and two cans of coke for breakfast. I thought I could sneak it out amidst the screams but it sounded like a damn tripod from the Spielberg war of the worlds film. Strangely enough the midwife turned to look at me and said "its ok to be nervous you know". To be fair my wife also dropped a couple of mean ones herself during the pushing.

I'm fucking dying. :lol

 

[dude]

I have a story that is 100% true, yet might get me banned for subject matter.

You should risk it. We're all friends here.

 

[Clydefrog]

You should risk it. We're all friends here.

Unless he spills the beans, I'm just going to assume he's a pedophile.

 

[LeonSKennedy90]

I thought I could sneak it out amidst the screams but it sounded like a damn tripod from the Spielberg war of the worlds film.

holy fuck :lol

 

[MIMIC]

Farted once while teaching a class. Thankfully, a commotion erupted just before it happened and no one heard me. lol

Not really all that embarrassing but it was a little embarrassing for ME =p

 

[bill gonorrhea]

Mine wasn't the noise it was the smell. I was flying home from Germany to Seattle. I wasn't feeling well and had the worst gas. I must has farted 3 or4 times every 10 minutes for at least 2 hrs. They were silent so i could do it anonymously. They were the most foul smelling, rotten egg farts. It was so embarrassing.

 

[AcridMeat]

Unless he spills the beans, I'm just going to assume he's a pedophile.

So close, senor frog.

 

[DesertEater]

I had an exam today. Half way through, someone farted. They're were some chuckles, but I was crying. I wanted to laugh so hard.

 

[mysticwhip]

In a taxi with my uncle and this blind dude, the ac was on and the windows were up. that shit was ripe too. I blamed it on the blind guy.

 

[cbox]

I eat all bran for breakfast, and it causes my colon to expand to record levels. Working in an office, I can't be going to the washroom every 5 minutes to toot, so all the gas builds up until I have to release. Well this one day was meeting after meeting with no time for washroom breaks, so I held it in. BAD IDEA.

I had held in so much gas my chest hurt, so I made my way to the washroom. entering the washroom, all the stalls and urinals were in use, so I took evasive action and went into the stairwell very close by. I let off what I recall as a shotgun blast fart, all at once. Since i was in the stairwell it echoed SO LOUDLY. As I sat there and recovered, two really cute chicks from marketing made their way up the stairs, and I tried my hardest to scramble back into the hallway, but they had already heard the blast, and put one and one together. I said hey and started playing with my phone, oblivious the the fact that there was a disgusting cloud of fiber vapors infecting the air around me.

I felt so good after though, ahhh.

 

[Ubersnug]

My most memorable fart was when I was in third year of high school.

In PE, and we were being taught how to throw shot putt's.

So, imagine the scenario. A class of about 45 pupils, separated into 3 rows of 15. Each row had a long blue mat with a measuring tape along the length of it to measure everyone's throwing distance. I had already had about 2/3 throws already and was handed the shot putt for my final throw of the day. At this point I was running third in the class for the longest distance thrown and I was determined to put my EVERYTHING into my final throw. I wanted to win.

So, I step up to the Mark, position the shot putt under my chin and position myself into a slight crouch, couple of deep breaths, then I went for it.

I think the sudden movement must have caused something to shift in my bowel as the EXACT moment I shifted my weight and put all my force into extending my throwing arm, my arse barked out this loud, explosive QUACK, the duration of which lasted until the shot putt left my hand.

The whole class erupted into laughter, including myself as I was partly embarrassed but also relieved that no-one was being all hoity-toity about the whole thing. Even the PE teacher couldn't contain her laughter.

The best thing about it, it ended up being my longest throw of the day and moved me into second place.

 

[Mineshaft_Gap]

In bed.

While having sex.

 

[Chinner]

this one time i was at a funeral and i farted soooooooo hard than i fell into the open-casket and then me and the dead fell out and landed on my front which made me fart lots and but the farts made it look like dead body was aliove because it was standing and waving its arms about and then i farted on the punch bowl and was asked to leave but not before farted on the door.

 

[RebornYeti]

I once farted in math class in the 9th grade. Everyone looked back towards me, but once they did, I acted fast and pointed to the student who sat behind me. That kid had a reputation for being immature so everyone transferred their gaze towards the kid behind me and started laughing at him.

It was a win on my part, but it was still embarrassing because I know I still did it and could have been caught.

 

[balddemon]

#1. I was making out with this girl and she was on top of me dry humping. All the rubbing and pressure forced one out..completely clean, but it sounded like the fuckin t rex...I started cracking up and when she asked what was wrong, I just started kissing her again. I don't think she noticed hahahaha

#2. Today at the gym I was doing leg raises on the pullup bar (knees to chin while hanging) and farts were unleashed from my asshole like an M16 every time I lifted my legs and they were juicy and loud...then I got off the bar and walked away. Some other dude went over to use it, started gagging loudly, and turned around and glared at me. Took all I had to not bust out laughing, as this would've ripped several more farts off.
Took the best shit ever tonight though.

 

[Unhandled Exception]

Receiving oral sex.