SquiddyCracker
Banned
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #153 - "Fear Itself"
- Thread starter Cyan
- Start date
- Status
But I need people to tell me how much I suck to validate my self-loathing over my writing!
Considering how I had to google to make sure that Hürtgenwald is indeed in Germany and not in Austria I don't think I should laugh all that loudly... the fact that I grew up not so terribly far from the place doesn't really help. So no complaints in the geography department from my side.
I did wonder though if you can really say that Hürtgen was occupied by the Germans since it was a German place to begin with, but maybe I'm interpreting the word wrong (occupied in this context for me means, in the hand of "alien/foreign" forces.)
Yeah, it was more of "they exist in that place" rather than "forcibly took over and held." But I can understand the confusion...probably should have used a different word.
Urgh. Between Dropbox being blocked on my computer, to not being able to read ZIP files on my phone, I'm gonna have to squeeze these all into like the hour-and-a-half I have after work before my appointment.
Well, what do you want me to say... you are a fantastic writer Mike but I thought that this was nowhere near to your usual standard.
I think it's up to you. Technically Nezumi got hers in on time, barely. Two of the ones that were late are over the word count though.
I decided to count in all of the late entries except the two that were over the wordcount. But like Ourobolus said, it is mostly up to everyone's own judgement.
Okay, thanks for replying 
Haha, well I might've, but I was aware I couldn't count it when I read it (it was Ashes, Mully, and future occasions I wasn't sure about).
Yeah, mine's ineligible. I'll edit my post.
Edit: Of course, I'm not saying you would've voted for me or anything, but you know what I mean!
Haha, well I might've, but I was aware I couldn't count it when I read it (it was Ashes, Mully, and future occasions I wasn't sure about).
What is 'hm'?
1. Mike M - "The Box Rule" - Was a cool idea. The build up was good and throughout was good to read.
2. theWB27 - "Be Who You Are" Dialogue was good as was the ending. Enjoyable read.
3. Ourobolus - "Just in Case" Was pretty interesting. Well written and easy to read.
Ah, cheers.
1. Mike M - "The Box Rule" - Was a cool idea. The build up was good and throughout was good to read.
2. theWB27 - "Be Who You Are" Dialogue was good as was the ending. Enjoyable read.
3. Ourobolus - "Just in Case" Was pretty interesting. Well written and easy to read.
honorable mention
Votes:
1. The first of the cold days - Ashes
2. Carry on - StormBrute
3. Symbiosis - timetokill
Hm:
Croll, Cyan, Squiddy, (Charade)
Comments:
Dutch courage - Ainsz
I wasnt really convinced by this story, and there were some problems with the writing, for example: he slightly retreats his lean over the table, showing a surprised poker face. slightly retreats his lean is badly phrased and implies his lean is something separate to him. surprised poker face is a contradiction in terms.
A night at the bar - croll
I found this interesting and funny. The line I hope she doesnt have a nose made me laugh. I thought you exploited the set up well. There were perhaps a few minor word choice issues.
A grim errand - cyan
I really like the way this is written. There were some nice phrases, such as a small group of cats follow at a distance, hissing and spitting. However I didnt like the ending and really the story didnt make a whole lot of sense.
The box rule - Mike M
I enjoyed this but there were a few things: I thought some of the writing was a bit fussy and that it built a bit too slowly. I really like what it turned into and I think its an interesting idea.
Chasing nightmares - Nezumi
Nicely written. I liked a lot of the imagery: pulsating like an inflamed wound. The story world possibly needed a bit too much explaining. The ending was really good.
Just in Case - Ourobolus
This is good, with the scene really well set and the story convincing. However I did think Thomas sounds arrogant when he says Im afraid I wont be there for those left behind.
P.A. - quantumbro
It was amusing to start with but it lost me.
The Troupe - Squiddy
I thought this was really interesting, it captures the dream quality while making a kind of sense, but it perhaps needs a bit more work on the writing (though of course not so as to lose the dreamlike quality). The story, mystery, ending, atmosphere were all good.
Carry on - Stormbrute
I thought this was great but could maybe have dropped a few more clues about what was going on. Zombie apocalypse was my best guess. Excellent atmosphere, really evocative.
Despite Magic - Tangent
I enjoyed this. Well written, easy to read, interesting. But I somehow felt the issue just didnt need the magic injected into it, it felt a little artificial to me. Also I wasnt too keen on the lesson at the end.
Be who you are - theWB27
It was fine, but it just didnt grab me.
Symbiosis - timetokill
Nice. Enjoyed it.
Excerpts from a lost diary - zwiezer
This was well written and a good idea, but I thought it didnt quite work.
New Deal - Chainsaw Kitten
Liked it. The growling got a bit monotonous toward the end. I dont know if this was a comment on repeated exposure to fear/ scary stuff dulling the effect...
Late/ over wordcount entries:
Trinkets of the immortal - midramble
This was pretty decent but I just didnt get invested enough in this story, Im not sure why, and I found the hope/ change at the end a bit too quick.
Two pounds - charade
I thought this was good, very well written, and the world was very well realised.
First of the cold days - Ashes
Some editing errors. I liked it a whole lot. Sincere.
Defensive line - Mully
There were some problems with the writing, but I thought it was honest.
1. The first of the cold days - Ashes
2. Carry on - StormBrute
3. Symbiosis - timetokill
Hm:
Croll, Cyan, Squiddy, (Charade)
Comments:
Dutch courage - Ainsz
I wasnt really convinced by this story, and there were some problems with the writing, for example: he slightly retreats his lean over the table, showing a surprised poker face. slightly retreats his lean is badly phrased and implies his lean is something separate to him. surprised poker face is a contradiction in terms.
A night at the bar - croll
I found this interesting and funny. The line I hope she doesnt have a nose made me laugh. I thought you exploited the set up well. There were perhaps a few minor word choice issues.
A grim errand - cyan
I really like the way this is written. There were some nice phrases, such as a small group of cats follow at a distance, hissing and spitting. However I didnt like the ending and really the story didnt make a whole lot of sense.
The box rule - Mike M
I enjoyed this but there were a few things: I thought some of the writing was a bit fussy and that it built a bit too slowly. I really like what it turned into and I think its an interesting idea.
Chasing nightmares - Nezumi
Nicely written. I liked a lot of the imagery: pulsating like an inflamed wound. The story world possibly needed a bit too much explaining. The ending was really good.
Just in Case - Ourobolus
This is good, with the scene really well set and the story convincing. However I did think Thomas sounds arrogant when he says Im afraid I wont be there for those left behind.
P.A. - quantumbro
It was amusing to start with but it lost me.
The Troupe - Squiddy
I thought this was really interesting, it captures the dream quality while making a kind of sense, but it perhaps needs a bit more work on the writing (though of course not so as to lose the dreamlike quality). The story, mystery, ending, atmosphere were all good.
Carry on - Stormbrute
I thought this was great but could maybe have dropped a few more clues about what was going on. Zombie apocalypse was my best guess. Excellent atmosphere, really evocative.
Despite Magic - Tangent
I enjoyed this. Well written, easy to read, interesting. But I somehow felt the issue just didnt need the magic injected into it, it felt a little artificial to me. Also I wasnt too keen on the lesson at the end.
Be who you are - theWB27
It was fine, but it just didnt grab me.
Symbiosis - timetokill
Nice. Enjoyed it.
Excerpts from a lost diary - zwiezer
This was well written and a good idea, but I thought it didnt quite work.
New Deal - Chainsaw Kitten
Liked it. The growling got a bit monotonous toward the end. I dont know if this was a comment on repeated exposure to fear/ scary stuff dulling the effect...
Late/ over wordcount entries:
Trinkets of the immortal - midramble
This was pretty decent but I just didnt get invested enough in this story, Im not sure why, and I found the hope/ change at the end a bit too quick.
Two pounds - charade
I thought this was good, very well written, and the world was very well realised.
First of the cold days - Ashes
Some editing errors. I liked it a whole lot. Sincere.
Defensive line - Mully
There were some problems with the writing, but I thought it was honest.
​Ourobolus: Some of your punctuation choices raised my hackles. Opponents, vanquished and friends, lost, in particular rubbed me the wrong way, as putting the pauses in those spots seems like a very odd cadence when spoken aloud. The insertion of Hemingway and otherwise loosely basing it on actual events never really had any payoff for the effort, which was really unfortunate given the ham-fisted nature of it. You practically had Ernest Hemingway walk in and say Im Ernest Hemingway, which made me spend the rest of the time trying to figure out where that was going. Also, I dont think I quite understand the ending. Tim is in love with Harry, and hes not afraid of dying, but rather not being there for those who are left behind. Except there was never any indication of Harry reciprocating (Unless thats what crying next to his fiancee was supposed to be about?), so I never felt that he needed Tim to be there for him.
​Ainsz: Im a bit befuddled by this one. While I thought the dialog was fairly natural sounding, I never really understood what the dads motivation was for trying to brain his son with a beer bottle, or why the two of them were so nonchalant about the whole attempted murder and possible concussion thing. All because the dad wanted to know what Ben was scared of? Why? I felt like I was reading a novelization of a David Lynch film where things are happening for reasons that the viewer can never know.
ChainsawKitten: Okay, now that I know what the lyrics are Its not really rocking my boat. I generally like the industrial music genre (maybe not as much as in high school and college), but the vocals did nothing for me, and the actual music itself wasnt the most sophisticated thing in the world, but I lack the musical vocabulary necessary to explain why I thought that. Just Its a lot of guitar strumming at different keys, I think? And it just keeps cycling without much variation until you get to the bridge or hook or whatever, which is just a kind of whining guitar riff with a rhythm guitar behind it? Just feels too stripped down to be aurally interesting to me. Needs bass (or more bass, if Im just not picking it up. Im hard of hearing.), percussion, etc. Maybe just throw out everything and make it some power metal song about hunting dragons and shit. : D
​Croll: First of all, welcome to CWCGAF : ) This comes awfully close to being a kind of slapstick pratfall comedy, but has a couple of deficiencies that stood out to me as holding it back. First off, for the fact that Dominic was friends or at least well acquainted with the bartender and the wingman, it was strange that the other two characters remained unnamed. I also wasnt a terrible fan with the way the wingman was introduced as being there the whole time. Thats more a device of someone recounting a story and amending in an important detail they forgot than something I like to see in a proper narrative. Im also totally in the dark as to what the point of the disgusting brown drink was supposed to be about. I gathered it was part of the price to be paid for having the ambrosia, but I cant figure out how it relates to the rest of the story. Was it supposed to be something that would allow Dominic to attract women or something? Also, you were pretty consistent on the improper use of punctuation and quotations, at least for American English (I only recently discovered that British English varies slightly, and I guess it may be entirely different for other languages. Learn something new every day!)
​SquiddyCracker: I was hoping you were going to say that it came to you in a dream and left you in another dream : ( I found this one pretty compelling, equal parts The Night Circus and ​The Facts in the Case of the Departure of Miss Finch, and maybe a few other random stories Ive read in the interim. A little rough around the edges with some wrong words that spell checker wouldnt have picked up, and I think I spotted the verb tenses changing to present tense there for a paragraph or so, but I found the core of it to be very solid.
​theWB27: Im not so sure Im a fan of the initial dream imagery. The constant booming and the dimming lights builds up expectations of something else entirely, and then Brian awakes and it turns out that the booming was actually Blakes chuckling in the real world? Given that this is a screenplay, I dont think I understand how the audience (who would not be privvy to the line in the script that details that the the chuckling is the same noise from the dream) is supposed to be able to make that connection. Ultimately I think youve got the seeds of an interesting dynamic between the brothers, one a mastermind and the other apparently adled to the point that he can be manipulated into the most heinous of acts. Like a mashup of Memento and Fragile (God, what is it with me and the this is like these other two things references tonight?). I just dont think that this particular piece on its own was the best showcase for them.
​mu cephei: Perhaps too brief of a glimpse into senility for me to get a real good grasp on what was happening. I think Im mostly tripping over the last couple lines at the end, are we to take this as literally being a member of the Rolling Stones? Does he just like the Stones? Everything ends just as soon as we get the barest idea of who this character is and what hes about.
​Mike M: On the one hand, I feel like this one turned out far better than I had any right to expect. Originally I didnt have anything beyond Hey, what if there was this box where the universe didnt exist because I dont properly understand the observer effect? and I struggled with a good way to end it. In the end, it mostly worked, but right up until the end I was never satisfied with my sentence compositions on this one. I was trying to set a mood, but it just came out as cumbersome and overwrought to me most of the time. Plus I had a bitch of a time trying not to overuse the words darkness and shadows, but those arent exactly easy words to replace without it being pretty obvious youre dropping five dollar words for its own sake.
​Cyan: Not sure why the pizza delivery guy is out on the sidewalk walking to his delivery address (Let alone why he would be so steadfast in his duty to perform what by all accounts is a real shit job that no one actually wants to do), but once you get past the questionable setup, it really hits its stride. Bonus points for the use of clowder. Sardonic takes on the grim reaper and his steadfast devotion to his appointed duty are a dime a dozen, but I really liked this one.
​timetokill: The title seemed like a dead giveaway (or so I thought) right from the outset that his was a soliloquy by someones subconscious. But then right near the end you drop the line about how theres nothing in the afterlife, and that suddenly alters the perspective of everything that came beforehand. Is it his subconscious? Is he host to some sort of spirit/angel/demon? Does he suffer from schizophrenia and this is one of the voices in his head trying to talk him off the ledge? I was with it all the way up until the end, but that one little detail muddied the water for the whole thing for me and didnt leave enough time to answer the questions that it raised two steps before the finish line.
Tangent: While I always enjoy the whole magic is commonplace in the modern day world thing, I was tripping over niggling little details all the way through this one. Right from the start, In my world opens an inadvertent can of worms, because now weve established that multiple worlds exist, that communication between them is possible and perhaps even mundane, and that the audience is from a world different from his own. There is another mention of there being a human world apart from the elven world, but the elven world was so like our own that I wasnt clear as to the nature of the distinction. Is it a metaphorical separation where they coexist alongside each other on the same planet? Are they in alternate planes of existence with the ability to travel freely between them? Who is Rusicon speaking to that he feels the need to explain how everyone is magic like they dont already know? I wasnt initially a fan of mitochondria being needed for magical metamorphoses, but Im willing to chalk it up to being unfamiliar with whatever magic system you devised for this one. Also, babies go to the NICU, not just the ICU. I did like the play on words with the hematologist and radiating plasma balls, kudos if that was intentional and not a happy accident. Overall, I liked this world where youve got people agonizing over what sort of magic they should specialize as analogs to college majors, but I wish you had been a little more daring. This was, New father has irrational fears over the well being of his child, every medical professional tells him that everything is fine and under control, and they are right. By the third paragraph, we all knew everything was going to be fine. All the rest was hand wringing.
Zweizer: Hey, Charade! I think this guy is calling you out! : P Overall, I felt that you had a solid premise when taken on its own, but the execution felt shaky to me. In particular, I didnt like how the author made a comment about how the diary was full of nothing but cataloging their boring life, only to come back later and mention the experiment as a throwaway comment as though the reader would already be familiar with it. If the diary was worth reading and mentioning at all, dont you think that the fact that it took a turn for the more interesting would be worthy of explicit mention? That same description of the contents of the found diary had a kind of glorious lack of self-awareness, because the authors own diary consists of little more than describing his media consumption in the broadest strokes possible and is in and of itself far from compelling. At first I thought you were setting things up for a cyclical thing where someone has a totally mundane diary, happens upon the diary of the last victim, and perpetuates the cycle. Except a key component for that is that the diary needs to describe what this experiment was in order for the next generation of victim to conduct it, which is a crucial detail missing from this one (Presuming thats what you were going for. Obviously its not actually a flaw if its not). But what really took me out of the story was the mention that the police determined that the diary belonged to a dead person (in only five days, no less). How on earth did they determine that? There was no identifying information in the diary, and theyre certainly not going to commit any resources whatsoever to investigating missing property turned in (presuming they would accept it in the first place.). There are a bunch of different ways that it could have gone down like that, but with nothing being mentioned, it just stood out as unexplained.
QuantumBro: As mentioned in past threads and in the Hangouts, comedy is really hard to write. With so much riding on delivery, inflection, body language and other cues, its difficult to translate something from an audiovisual experience to the written word and vice versa. I say that because while I can visualize this as a sketch on SNL or something and get a laugh out of it, the actual write up falls pretty flat to me. For example, no one actually says Yikes as a genuine expression of fear, and being afraid of ponies is a silly enough concept on its own without needing to embellish it with a dig at bronies thats just going to go over the heads of anyone whos not up to date on their internet subculture parlance. I would have also liked to have seen more phobia names to go with all the ridiculous fears that people were acting upon, even if they were just made up ala luposlipophobia or anatidaephobia.
StormBrute: For a freshman effort after being rusty at writing, this was a very solid effort. Good sense of the characters and the dynamic between them, and it was structurally and technically sound. The fly in the ointment for me is that I had no idea what the hell was happening. Rebecca and Laurie were clearly in some deep shit, but the nature of their plight is never made apparent. Judging by the nameless creature in chains in the boathouse and the smell of rotting flesh, Ill take a stab in the dark and say that this is maybe they have some sort of zombie apocalypse thing going on? Also not quite sure what to make of the talk about colonies. If this is a zombie apocalypse scenario, I guess enclaves of survivors could be called colonies, but theyre certainly not what I think of when I think of colonization. All around good stuff, it just suffers from being excised from the larger context.
Nezumi: As an interesting coincidence, I had a NaNo idea percolating for this year (that was back-burnered for something I like more) relating to traveling between dreams, and I had conceptualized it as being mostly the same as you described it here, absent of little dream critters running around between them. Well, actually I had those too, but they werent cute about it. That and this one kind of goes out on the same note that my entry did this week, so were either very much thinking on the same wavelength here, or youre in my head stealing my thoughts! Out! Out, damned cartoon cat! Thats where I keep my sexy thoughts! Seriously though, I liked the concept of a dream creature obsessed with nightmares over regular dreams and his attempts to recreate a nightmare of his own. I just wish he had the opportunity to do a bit more than sit around and reminisce about his past efforts before drifting off in a catatonic state of ennui and being unmade by the forces of entropy.
midramble: I guess being over the word count is technically a DQ, but Ill read it anyway : D The first line comparing the work of boxers and artists struck me as being awkwardly worded, but it was a striking metaphor that you carried throughout the rest of the work admirably, so good work on that front. You actually made boxing sound interesting and kept the action snappy, and thats coming from someone who would literally rather watch a fish tank than professional sports. The pacing kind of took a hit by placing a rather sizable flashback into the mix, but everything else was good stuff. You built a lot of character and history into a relatively short space.
Charade: Skybrand has shrubs and tufts of grass while Zephyr is a sandy dune desert, but Skybrandthe one that has some small measure of life in itis the barren wasteland? K, boss : P I liked the understated fantasy elements of this one, which I think is really the only way I can consume fantasy without rolling my eyes the whole time. And I know the profound hypocrisy of saying that as the guy who wrote shit about his own D&D characters a couple times in the past, but Ill have you know I was rolling my eyes the whole time at those too! That ending man What a shitty way for that miner to go over nothing of value
Ashes: Another week where I struggle to give you any sort of meaningful feedback that you havent already heard from me before. Youre just so confoundingly consistent in everything you do. I will say that I did enjoy the dialogue bits more than I did the parts where she was off on her own suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune.
Mully: Brutal honesty, this one didnt do a lot for me. A whole lot of exposition that didnt add much to the story and seemed to just be word bloat. Take the dog, for instance, and the information that they thought it would be cruel to give the dog back (to whom?) and that it had been seven years. None of that was really relevant to the fact that the dog was not housebroken and a nervous rooster. I think a more foundational problem though is that Eddie is fundamentally unlikeable sad sack case who doesnt do anything for the duration of the story. Its just flashbacks and exposition and a bit of dialogue in the last act where he just further tries to reminisce about how great things were as a teenager. He has no goals or discernible motivations, and I cant for the life of me fathom how it is that Eddie is the one feeling sorry for Regis when Eddie is the one living neck-deep in the past. I know you said that this was extracted from your own life, but please please please please dont take any of this as a personal dig at you, that is very much not the intent. I know not everyone seeks the catharsis of having their writing dissected and analyzed like I do, but I also only ever want to help anybody who asks me to read their stuff improve.
Votes
1. Cyan
2. Tangent
3. StormBrute
​On a related note, looking at my schedule for this month, I fear that theres a very real possibility that Im not going to be able to fully participate in the next few challenges running up to NaNoWriMo. Ill be gone much of the week of the 13th for my anniversary, and then again on a business trip the following cycle. I may be able to contribute something half-assed and unedited, but I imagine Im going to have a hard time reading everything and voting in a timely manner...
​Ainsz: Im a bit befuddled by this one. While I thought the dialog was fairly natural sounding, I never really understood what the dads motivation was for trying to brain his son with a beer bottle, or why the two of them were so nonchalant about the whole attempted murder and possible concussion thing. All because the dad wanted to know what Ben was scared of? Why? I felt like I was reading a novelization of a David Lynch film where things are happening for reasons that the viewer can never know.
ChainsawKitten: Okay, now that I know what the lyrics are Its not really rocking my boat. I generally like the industrial music genre (maybe not as much as in high school and college), but the vocals did nothing for me, and the actual music itself wasnt the most sophisticated thing in the world, but I lack the musical vocabulary necessary to explain why I thought that. Just Its a lot of guitar strumming at different keys, I think? And it just keeps cycling without much variation until you get to the bridge or hook or whatever, which is just a kind of whining guitar riff with a rhythm guitar behind it? Just feels too stripped down to be aurally interesting to me. Needs bass (or more bass, if Im just not picking it up. Im hard of hearing.), percussion, etc. Maybe just throw out everything and make it some power metal song about hunting dragons and shit. : D
​Croll: First of all, welcome to CWCGAF : ) This comes awfully close to being a kind of slapstick pratfall comedy, but has a couple of deficiencies that stood out to me as holding it back. First off, for the fact that Dominic was friends or at least well acquainted with the bartender and the wingman, it was strange that the other two characters remained unnamed. I also wasnt a terrible fan with the way the wingman was introduced as being there the whole time. Thats more a device of someone recounting a story and amending in an important detail they forgot than something I like to see in a proper narrative. Im also totally in the dark as to what the point of the disgusting brown drink was supposed to be about. I gathered it was part of the price to be paid for having the ambrosia, but I cant figure out how it relates to the rest of the story. Was it supposed to be something that would allow Dominic to attract women or something? Also, you were pretty consistent on the improper use of punctuation and quotations, at least for American English (I only recently discovered that British English varies slightly, and I guess it may be entirely different for other languages. Learn something new every day!)
​SquiddyCracker: I was hoping you were going to say that it came to you in a dream and left you in another dream : ( I found this one pretty compelling, equal parts The Night Circus and ​The Facts in the Case of the Departure of Miss Finch, and maybe a few other random stories Ive read in the interim. A little rough around the edges with some wrong words that spell checker wouldnt have picked up, and I think I spotted the verb tenses changing to present tense there for a paragraph or so, but I found the core of it to be very solid.
​theWB27: Im not so sure Im a fan of the initial dream imagery. The constant booming and the dimming lights builds up expectations of something else entirely, and then Brian awakes and it turns out that the booming was actually Blakes chuckling in the real world? Given that this is a screenplay, I dont think I understand how the audience (who would not be privvy to the line in the script that details that the the chuckling is the same noise from the dream) is supposed to be able to make that connection. Ultimately I think youve got the seeds of an interesting dynamic between the brothers, one a mastermind and the other apparently adled to the point that he can be manipulated into the most heinous of acts. Like a mashup of Memento and Fragile (God, what is it with me and the this is like these other two things references tonight?). I just dont think that this particular piece on its own was the best showcase for them.
​mu cephei: Perhaps too brief of a glimpse into senility for me to get a real good grasp on what was happening. I think Im mostly tripping over the last couple lines at the end, are we to take this as literally being a member of the Rolling Stones? Does he just like the Stones? Everything ends just as soon as we get the barest idea of who this character is and what hes about.
​Mike M: On the one hand, I feel like this one turned out far better than I had any right to expect. Originally I didnt have anything beyond Hey, what if there was this box where the universe didnt exist because I dont properly understand the observer effect? and I struggled with a good way to end it. In the end, it mostly worked, but right up until the end I was never satisfied with my sentence compositions on this one. I was trying to set a mood, but it just came out as cumbersome and overwrought to me most of the time. Plus I had a bitch of a time trying not to overuse the words darkness and shadows, but those arent exactly easy words to replace without it being pretty obvious youre dropping five dollar words for its own sake.
​Cyan: Not sure why the pizza delivery guy is out on the sidewalk walking to his delivery address (Let alone why he would be so steadfast in his duty to perform what by all accounts is a real shit job that no one actually wants to do), but once you get past the questionable setup, it really hits its stride. Bonus points for the use of clowder. Sardonic takes on the grim reaper and his steadfast devotion to his appointed duty are a dime a dozen, but I really liked this one.
​timetokill: The title seemed like a dead giveaway (or so I thought) right from the outset that his was a soliloquy by someones subconscious. But then right near the end you drop the line about how theres nothing in the afterlife, and that suddenly alters the perspective of everything that came beforehand. Is it his subconscious? Is he host to some sort of spirit/angel/demon? Does he suffer from schizophrenia and this is one of the voices in his head trying to talk him off the ledge? I was with it all the way up until the end, but that one little detail muddied the water for the whole thing for me and didnt leave enough time to answer the questions that it raised two steps before the finish line.
Tangent: While I always enjoy the whole magic is commonplace in the modern day world thing, I was tripping over niggling little details all the way through this one. Right from the start, In my world opens an inadvertent can of worms, because now weve established that multiple worlds exist, that communication between them is possible and perhaps even mundane, and that the audience is from a world different from his own. There is another mention of there being a human world apart from the elven world, but the elven world was so like our own that I wasnt clear as to the nature of the distinction. Is it a metaphorical separation where they coexist alongside each other on the same planet? Are they in alternate planes of existence with the ability to travel freely between them? Who is Rusicon speaking to that he feels the need to explain how everyone is magic like they dont already know? I wasnt initially a fan of mitochondria being needed for magical metamorphoses, but Im willing to chalk it up to being unfamiliar with whatever magic system you devised for this one. Also, babies go to the NICU, not just the ICU. I did like the play on words with the hematologist and radiating plasma balls, kudos if that was intentional and not a happy accident. Overall, I liked this world where youve got people agonizing over what sort of magic they should specialize as analogs to college majors, but I wish you had been a little more daring. This was, New father has irrational fears over the well being of his child, every medical professional tells him that everything is fine and under control, and they are right. By the third paragraph, we all knew everything was going to be fine. All the rest was hand wringing.
Zweizer: Hey, Charade! I think this guy is calling you out! : P Overall, I felt that you had a solid premise when taken on its own, but the execution felt shaky to me. In particular, I didnt like how the author made a comment about how the diary was full of nothing but cataloging their boring life, only to come back later and mention the experiment as a throwaway comment as though the reader would already be familiar with it. If the diary was worth reading and mentioning at all, dont you think that the fact that it took a turn for the more interesting would be worthy of explicit mention? That same description of the contents of the found diary had a kind of glorious lack of self-awareness, because the authors own diary consists of little more than describing his media consumption in the broadest strokes possible and is in and of itself far from compelling. At first I thought you were setting things up for a cyclical thing where someone has a totally mundane diary, happens upon the diary of the last victim, and perpetuates the cycle. Except a key component for that is that the diary needs to describe what this experiment was in order for the next generation of victim to conduct it, which is a crucial detail missing from this one (Presuming thats what you were going for. Obviously its not actually a flaw if its not). But what really took me out of the story was the mention that the police determined that the diary belonged to a dead person (in only five days, no less). How on earth did they determine that? There was no identifying information in the diary, and theyre certainly not going to commit any resources whatsoever to investigating missing property turned in (presuming they would accept it in the first place.). There are a bunch of different ways that it could have gone down like that, but with nothing being mentioned, it just stood out as unexplained.
QuantumBro: As mentioned in past threads and in the Hangouts, comedy is really hard to write. With so much riding on delivery, inflection, body language and other cues, its difficult to translate something from an audiovisual experience to the written word and vice versa. I say that because while I can visualize this as a sketch on SNL or something and get a laugh out of it, the actual write up falls pretty flat to me. For example, no one actually says Yikes as a genuine expression of fear, and being afraid of ponies is a silly enough concept on its own without needing to embellish it with a dig at bronies thats just going to go over the heads of anyone whos not up to date on their internet subculture parlance. I would have also liked to have seen more phobia names to go with all the ridiculous fears that people were acting upon, even if they were just made up ala luposlipophobia or anatidaephobia.
StormBrute: For a freshman effort after being rusty at writing, this was a very solid effort. Good sense of the characters and the dynamic between them, and it was structurally and technically sound. The fly in the ointment for me is that I had no idea what the hell was happening. Rebecca and Laurie were clearly in some deep shit, but the nature of their plight is never made apparent. Judging by the nameless creature in chains in the boathouse and the smell of rotting flesh, Ill take a stab in the dark and say that this is maybe they have some sort of zombie apocalypse thing going on? Also not quite sure what to make of the talk about colonies. If this is a zombie apocalypse scenario, I guess enclaves of survivors could be called colonies, but theyre certainly not what I think of when I think of colonization. All around good stuff, it just suffers from being excised from the larger context.
Nezumi: As an interesting coincidence, I had a NaNo idea percolating for this year (that was back-burnered for something I like more) relating to traveling between dreams, and I had conceptualized it as being mostly the same as you described it here, absent of little dream critters running around between them. Well, actually I had those too, but they werent cute about it. That and this one kind of goes out on the same note that my entry did this week, so were either very much thinking on the same wavelength here, or youre in my head stealing my thoughts! Out! Out, damned cartoon cat! Thats where I keep my sexy thoughts! Seriously though, I liked the concept of a dream creature obsessed with nightmares over regular dreams and his attempts to recreate a nightmare of his own. I just wish he had the opportunity to do a bit more than sit around and reminisce about his past efforts before drifting off in a catatonic state of ennui and being unmade by the forces of entropy.
midramble: I guess being over the word count is technically a DQ, but Ill read it anyway : D The first line comparing the work of boxers and artists struck me as being awkwardly worded, but it was a striking metaphor that you carried throughout the rest of the work admirably, so good work on that front. You actually made boxing sound interesting and kept the action snappy, and thats coming from someone who would literally rather watch a fish tank than professional sports. The pacing kind of took a hit by placing a rather sizable flashback into the mix, but everything else was good stuff. You built a lot of character and history into a relatively short space.
Charade: Skybrand has shrubs and tufts of grass while Zephyr is a sandy dune desert, but Skybrandthe one that has some small measure of life in itis the barren wasteland? K, boss : P I liked the understated fantasy elements of this one, which I think is really the only way I can consume fantasy without rolling my eyes the whole time. And I know the profound hypocrisy of saying that as the guy who wrote shit about his own D&D characters a couple times in the past, but Ill have you know I was rolling my eyes the whole time at those too! That ending man What a shitty way for that miner to go over nothing of value
Ashes: Another week where I struggle to give you any sort of meaningful feedback that you havent already heard from me before. Youre just so confoundingly consistent in everything you do. I will say that I did enjoy the dialogue bits more than I did the parts where she was off on her own suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune.
Mully: Brutal honesty, this one didnt do a lot for me. A whole lot of exposition that didnt add much to the story and seemed to just be word bloat. Take the dog, for instance, and the information that they thought it would be cruel to give the dog back (to whom?) and that it had been seven years. None of that was really relevant to the fact that the dog was not housebroken and a nervous rooster. I think a more foundational problem though is that Eddie is fundamentally unlikeable sad sack case who doesnt do anything for the duration of the story. Its just flashbacks and exposition and a bit of dialogue in the last act where he just further tries to reminisce about how great things were as a teenager. He has no goals or discernible motivations, and I cant for the life of me fathom how it is that Eddie is the one feeling sorry for Regis when Eddie is the one living neck-deep in the past. I know you said that this was extracted from your own life, but please please please please dont take any of this as a personal dig at you, that is very much not the intent. I know not everyone seeks the catharsis of having their writing dissected and analyzed like I do, but I also only ever want to help anybody who asks me to read their stuff improve.
Votes
1. Cyan
2. Tangent
3. StormBrute
​On a related note, looking at my schedule for this month, I fear that theres a very real possibility that Im not going to be able to fully participate in the next few challenges running up to NaNoWriMo. Ill be gone much of the week of the 13th for my anniversary, and then again on a business trip the following cycle. I may be able to contribute something half-assed and unedited, but I imagine Im going to have a hard time reading everything and voting in a timely manner...
Mike M, you're a wonderful author. No ifs. No buts.
If I am allowed to help in steering your self analysis, why may I ask, do you not reflect on the characters in your story?
Really appreciate the feedback.
This piece was more cathartic than anything. A good friend of mine is based off of Eddie. I can see his sympathy for me as I rebuild or try something new. He's scared and I really wanted to create a character off of that type of debilitating fear of moving on and growing up.
It wasn't written particularly well, and beyond me powering through that first draft, I really didn't look at it. Maybe I'll come back to it in the future, but I really do appreciate the feedback.
I have off tomorrow. I'll be able to read and cast votes by 2PM EST.
Good question. Probably because there's not much to them and I don't see much point in belaboring it? Decent characterization got squeezed out between environmental description and Cyan's tyrannical word count.
Glad I was able to be of some small measure of assistance : )
Thanks for the detailed feedback! Damn there are lots of problems with the concept, huh? Haha. The idea mainly came from my desire to scream at Charade and to make some kind of reference to Yume Nikki (for some reason this is the first thing that came to my mind when thinking about Fear and Resistance), starting with the player character refusing to open the door of her room, but obviously it didn't quite work and the mundane aspect of a diary ultimately makes it a rather boring read. Still, I had fun trying to fill out the days of a random normal person, since I've never kept a diary, even if I could have executed the whole thing better. I guess I shouldn't have kept things so vague in an attempt at making it more relatable as it only caused more confusion and inconsistencies.
If we stick to the usual cycle and have two more challenges, the reading/voting period for the second one will overlap with the beginning of NaNo. It's a small overlap, but those first few days can be pretty crucial for NaNo, and we're likely to have a lot of distracted readers/commenters. I'm going to recommend we just have one more challenge before breaking for NaNo.
lol, you and your timely first drafts, consistently solid writing, and apparently effortless off-the-cuff humorous stories? You definitely suck, amigo.
Cheers for the comments. The idea was basically the dad wanted to know his son's fear so that he and others he was associated with could use against him. Reason being the son did something bad in the past. The son all the while seems to be apathetic to anything he ever throws at him. And all the rest of the off page stuff that get's hinted. I'm not blaming the word limit, but I didn't do well to get the idea across in the word limit.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
A lot of the misspelled words were actually me trying to be clever and play with the words to make them fit the sentence, same for the tense-change (at least, that's what my newly awoken self thought would be a good idea, and I didn't want to second-guess his work.)
Feedback in three words (which in retrospect, as I'm editing this post, was a terrible idea)
Ourobolus - Just in case
One more paragraph.
Ainsz - "Dutch Courage"
Cannot read document.
Chainsawkitten - "New Deal"
The medium works.
Croll - "A Night at the Bar"
True to theme.
theWB27 - "Be Who You Are"
Short; fully unfolds.
mu cephei - "Dead and Gone"
Intentional confusion works.
Mike M - "The Box Rule"
First act engulfed.
Cyan - "A Grim Errand"
A fun errand.
timetokill - "Symbiosis"
Food for thought.
Tangent - "Despite Magic"
Fascinating magical mitochondria.
Zweizer - "Excerpts From a Lost Diary"
I got it!
QuantumBro - "P.A."
Ticked my humors.
StormBrute - "Carry On"
Concise & good, StormBrute.
Nezumi - "Chasing Nightmares"
Abstract concept tangiblelized.
midramble - "Trinkets of the Immortal"
Temporally ascertained lessons.
Charade - "Two Pounds"
Greedily ascertained lessons.
Ashes - "the first of the cold days"
Butter smooth dialogue.
Mully - "Defensive Line"
Brotastic, bro-cho.
Votes
1. Tangent
2. theWB27
3. Nezumi
hm. Charade, Cyan
It's an annual event to motivate people to churn out 50k words in a month through peer pressure, essentially.
Last year was my first attempt, and I completed a 77k word book when previously I rarely topped 2k.
Truly thanks mu cephei and Mike M for the critiques, especially since I was a day late and a dollar short. (Or minutes late and paragraphs long...)
I'll finish my reading, critiques, and voting (critiques for the lates as well, otherwise I'd be a mega-hypocrite) by at least the extended deadline. I say this because I haven't slept since the morning of the third.
Spent the last hour of the 3rd and the first 6 of the 4th pounding out 3k words amidst escorts in a 24 hour starbucks in downtown San Francisco. The night of the 4th and morning of the 5th I spent going to a hometown favorite punk venue, missing the last bus and drinking bourbon and brandy with a 69 year old Vietnam purple heart jazz trumpet player named oscar myer that frequents the boom boom room for 3 hours until a bus came. While this morning I spent trying to get to from SF to the north tip of the bay by walking and calling in favors from friends.
I'm finally going to sleep for a bit and then pound out these readings as fast yet thorough as I can.
I have to catch a flight to NYC Wednesday for my 4th and final interview of my first non-military job since my deployment and divorce in 2011. It's been a crazy week.
Again, thanks Mike and Mu for the critique. I attempted a larger character arc in this story because the 3rd had meaning for me, being my ex-wife's birthday, and the fact that my entry last week was so small. A lot of fleshing out got cut in my butchering of what was a 3k word piece down to that 2500-ish one. I owe you two for going out of your way to comment on my disqualified entry.
I'll finish my reading, critiques, and voting (critiques for the lates as well, otherwise I'd be a mega-hypocrite) by at least the extended deadline. I say this because I haven't slept since the morning of the third.
Spent the last hour of the 3rd and the first 6 of the 4th pounding out 3k words amidst escorts in a 24 hour starbucks in downtown San Francisco. The night of the 4th and morning of the 5th I spent going to a hometown favorite punk venue, missing the last bus and drinking bourbon and brandy with a 69 year old Vietnam purple heart jazz trumpet player named oscar myer that frequents the boom boom room for 3 hours until a bus came. While this morning I spent trying to get to from SF to the north tip of the bay by walking and calling in favors from friends.
I'm finally going to sleep for a bit and then pound out these readings as fast yet thorough as I can.
I have to catch a flight to NYC Wednesday for my 4th and final interview of my first non-military job since my deployment and divorce in 2011. It's been a crazy week.
Again, thanks Mike and Mu for the critique. I attempted a larger character arc in this story because the 3rd had meaning for me, being my ex-wife's birthday, and the fact that my entry last week was so small. A lot of fleshing out got cut in my butchering of what was a 3k word piece down to that 2500-ish one. I owe you two for going out of your way to comment on my disqualified entry.
timetokill
Banned
My critiques are coming later tonight. Just wanted to chime in and say thanks to everyone for their critiques. I'm actually doing critiques for everyone this time and not just my Top 3 so it's taking me longer than usual.
Ourobouros - "Just in Case" - I thought you did a good job creating an intriguing setting and situation but I'm not sure the story, specifically the ending, had as much pathos as you were aiming for.
Ainsz - "Dutch Courage" - Sorry I wanted to reread this one before I commented but I can't seem to open it again. From what I remember it was a good use of the theme but I think you could have done a little more showing and a little less telling when it came to the characters' motivations.
SquiddyCracker - "The Troupe" - Very interesting. You did a good job of establishing the tone and maintaining it throughout. The only suggestions I would make are to fix the wording in a few places ("illusionism masquerades as reality" seems a little redundant)
theWB27 - "Be Who You Are" - I liked the line about keeping the number down but I feel like you needed more of that kind of banter to really give the split personality murderer concept your own spin.
mu cephei - "Dead and Gone" - The short sentences really add to the tone of alienation experienced by the old man but I think the ending needed a little more exposition.
MikeM - "The Box Rule" - The philosophical spin at the end was intriguing but I felt that the first half or so was a little wordy even considering the tension that you were trying to build.
Tangent - "Despite Magic" - Interesting world you created. Everyone's fears were believable and had real world analogues which was the best part.
Cyan - "A Grim Errand" - Very entertaining. I liked the symbolism with the cats and how so many cultures throughout history have associated them with death.
timetokill - "Symbiosis" - I felt like both our stories were very different takes on a similar idea (parts of the psyche talking to one another) but yours is certainly better written.
Zweiger - "Excerpts from a Lost Diary" - Overall I liked it a lot. I think it would have been a cool idea to intersperse the characters diary entries with entries ripped out of the other diary. I was expecting there to be more of a tangible connection between the two.
QuantumBro - "P.A." - The lighthearted tone was enjoyable but I feel you could have done a little more with the premise. The idea that people go to an AA type meeting kind of implies that they are addicted to whatever it is they're there for. It would have been interesting to comment on people's desire to experience fear.
StormBrute - "Carry On" - Reminded me of the saying - "Better the devil you know" as far as the theme was concerned. I'm glad you didn't say much about the chained up creature. Really enjoyed this one.
Nezumi - "Chasing Nightmares" - Very cool concept but the ending came on suddenly. I'm sure that's what you were going for, like waking up from a dream but I think the dream world plot needed a little more structure for it to work.
Midramble - "Trinkets of the Immortal" - I like how you stuck with the painting/boxing metaphor throughout. Reminded me a lot of Dickens.
Charade - "Two Pounds" - Lots of good world building. Is this part of some larger work that you're writing?
Ashes - "The first of the cold days" - I'm sorry I didn't know the password to read it. I tried quoting but couldn't find it.
1) StormBrute - "Carry On"
2) Tangent - "Despite Magic"
3) timetokill - "Symbiosis"
Thank you to everyone who critiqued my story. I know my punctuation is terrible; sorry about that. I guess there was some confusion about a few of the characters. Really what I was going for was along the lines of timetokill's story. Dominic was supposed to be some id/agency part of the mind (the conscious part). The bartender was supposed to be Dominic's brain (the preprogrammed reasoning part) and the wingman his body (something he never took care of). The drinks were different emotions that the bartender gave Dominic to get him to do what he wanted. Thanks again for the feedback. It was all much appreciated.
Ainsz - "Dutch Courage" - Sorry I wanted to reread this one before I commented but I can't seem to open it again. From what I remember it was a good use of the theme but I think you could have done a little more showing and a little less telling when it came to the characters' motivations.
SquiddyCracker - "The Troupe" - Very interesting. You did a good job of establishing the tone and maintaining it throughout. The only suggestions I would make are to fix the wording in a few places ("illusionism masquerades as reality" seems a little redundant)
theWB27 - "Be Who You Are" - I liked the line about keeping the number down but I feel like you needed more of that kind of banter to really give the split personality murderer concept your own spin.
mu cephei - "Dead and Gone" - The short sentences really add to the tone of alienation experienced by the old man but I think the ending needed a little more exposition.
MikeM - "The Box Rule" - The philosophical spin at the end was intriguing but I felt that the first half or so was a little wordy even considering the tension that you were trying to build.
Tangent - "Despite Magic" - Interesting world you created. Everyone's fears were believable and had real world analogues which was the best part.
Cyan - "A Grim Errand" - Very entertaining. I liked the symbolism with the cats and how so many cultures throughout history have associated them with death.
timetokill - "Symbiosis" - I felt like both our stories were very different takes on a similar idea (parts of the psyche talking to one another) but yours is certainly better written.
Zweiger - "Excerpts from a Lost Diary" - Overall I liked it a lot. I think it would have been a cool idea to intersperse the characters diary entries with entries ripped out of the other diary. I was expecting there to be more of a tangible connection between the two.
QuantumBro - "P.A." - The lighthearted tone was enjoyable but I feel you could have done a little more with the premise. The idea that people go to an AA type meeting kind of implies that they are addicted to whatever it is they're there for. It would have been interesting to comment on people's desire to experience fear.
StormBrute - "Carry On" - Reminded me of the saying - "Better the devil you know" as far as the theme was concerned. I'm glad you didn't say much about the chained up creature. Really enjoyed this one.
Nezumi - "Chasing Nightmares" - Very cool concept but the ending came on suddenly. I'm sure that's what you were going for, like waking up from a dream but I think the dream world plot needed a little more structure for it to work.
Midramble - "Trinkets of the Immortal" - I like how you stuck with the painting/boxing metaphor throughout. Reminded me a lot of Dickens.
Charade - "Two Pounds" - Lots of good world building. Is this part of some larger work that you're writing?
Ashes - "The first of the cold days" - I'm sorry I didn't know the password to read it. I tried quoting but couldn't find it.
1) StormBrute - "Carry On"
2) Tangent - "Despite Magic"
3) timetokill - "Symbiosis"
Thank you to everyone who critiqued my story. I know my punctuation is terrible; sorry about that. I guess there was some confusion about a few of the characters. Really what I was going for was along the lines of timetokill's story. Dominic was supposed to be some id/agency part of the mind (the conscious part). The bartender was supposed to be Dominic's brain (the preprogrammed reasoning part) and the wingman his body (something he never took care of). The drinks were different emotions that the bartender gave Dominic to get him to do what he wanted. Thanks again for the feedback. It was all much appreciated.
Time you could have spent writing feedback, you shiftless layabout!
Votes:
1. Ainz - Dutch Courage
2. time to kill - Symbiosis
3. Cyan - a Grim Errand
hm. Zweizer, Charade
Feedback:
Ourobolus - "Just in Case" - I liked the characters your developed, and while it's a small point, I liked the names of the characters. I forgot about the name "Ernest" and it somehow cracks me up. The ending was well done.
Ainsz - "Dutch Courage" - This story was so powerful to me. It makes the MC very mysterious and interesting -- what is he? A sociopath that has reached nirvana? Funny. And the relationship between the father and the son is absolutely fascinating. I did want to know a bit more of "those people out there" but it wasn't actually necessary for me to know more. It'd be fun to see this character in a chapter book.
Chainsawkitten - "New Deal" -- So, I'm biased because I really like this kind of music. Well done!
Croll - "A Night at the Bar" -- This was fantastic. The word choice was hilarious. It also made me feel really bad for guys who feel responsible for taking the first step at a bar cuz those girls weren't helping at all and just make it so hard! JEEZ!!! Anyway though, very well done and I really liked how he said, "I hope she doesn't have a nose."
SquiddyCracker - "The Troupe"-- Wow this was fascinating and I'm flattered and honored that you shared your dream with us. You certainly kept to the dream-like quality of it. There was a sense of mystery to it, almost fairy tale like, like a Tim Burton movie. Some parts were a little confusing (for me), but that is all part of the dreamlike flow to it.
theWB27 - "Be Who You Are" - I liked the dynamics of these characters. On a personal note, I remember 2 kids from elementary school named Blake and Brian and they were good friends and cool kids that I always wanted to get to know better. But they were sort of in their own world. I'm curious to know if another format might have been better rather than a screenplay, but I'm not sure -- maybe it's just me being bad at reading screenplays!
mu cephei - "Dead and Gone" -- What was most impressive about this story was the poetic style to it. How did you pull that off? Well done.
Mike M - "The Box Rule" -- What I liked most about this story was how gripping the tension was. I was getting stressed out for the characters as I read the story. So, good character development because they were easy to buy into.
Cyan - "A Grim Errand" -- This was fantastic! It was hilarious and so vivid. It was so fun to visualize Death walking down the street, and the bullets going through his empty rib cage, etc. (I wonder what would happen if any bullets actually hit his rib cage.) Also, though, I was a bit confused as to why he'd make that promise but I guess the point is that it was such a trivial task. The end made me smile. I liked the cats too -- it was like a Simpsons Halloween special! You seriously should submit this to them!
timetokill - "Symbiosis" -- Somehow this reminded me of something I read about metaphors of sin. I can't remember what but maybe it was Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. The reason it reminded me of this other analogy, wherever it was, and why I liked your piece, was because it's interesting to think about fear as something we've grown accustomed to, and almost hold dear, even if it's a pain in the ass.
Tangent - "Despite Magic" -- Man... I kept on wanting to make this point about our psyche and magic but kept on countering my point with saying things that cancelled other things out. This is actually based on a true story I read about, but I thought about how it'd be interesting if it happened to someone with a particular community with particular privilege, etc.
Zweizer - "Excerpts From a Lost Diary" - I loved this! I actually got super freaked out as I read this. I literally got chills down my spine. Also, I was really jealous of the character's life, just playing video games all day. I did want to know more about the experiment and what made the diary interesting. I think one thing I thought you were trying to do, or thought the story might be leading up to is, the idea that the diary he was writing was the diary he found and was reading, and that he was dead -- something that turned in on itself like that. Which would be hard to pull off and confusing, but creepy.
QuantumBro - "P.A.": This was one of my favorites because it was so hilarious. (In the beginning, I somehow pictured the support group scene from Fault in Our Stars.) But for some reason I was really itching to know more about each character! But I guess this would be impossible: in doing so, maybe you'd miss the fast-paced, funny dialog.
StormBrute - "Carry On": I really liked this and it was easy to visualize the characters and their relationship with each other, and their history. Was there some sort of zombie apocalypse? Regardless, I wonder too if it'd be interesting to explore Laurie's mental state in this whole thing. I think children often are shaped by their parents even if they might theoretically think it doesn't make sense. So Laurie now thinks Rebecca has the right course of action. But still, it might be interesting to see a struggle of wondering if doing it the parents' way was correct, and still is. I'm thinking of, say, abusive patterns in a family. One might grow up thinking what their parents did was wrong, but can't help to think, "Well, maybe it's important that I beat my kids anyway" -- it's just what they know and what they're familiar with, and also, there is a sense of respect in continuing what has happened.
midramble - "Trinkets of the Immortal": This was fantastic. I think a lot of people with some minuscule degree of privilege (real or imagined) wonder if anything they do is really commendable since maybe it's all a farce. So I think this story speaks to that "fear." It was all very easy to visualize, well-organized, easy to follow, and I liked the build-up to the bathroom scene and the homeless guy taking a dump, and how that changed the character's outlook.
Charade - "Two Pounds" (over word count, ineligible) -- This was awesome. It was so well-written and also, it reminded me of Ronito's donkey story from way back when! Poor miner. I liked the characters you developed and the dialog was fitting.
Nezumi - "Chasing Nightmares" -- This was such an interesting concept -- that nothingness, no dreams whatsoever, would be much more scary than nightmares. It's like apathy is scarier than terror. As usual, I liked your writing style that sets up a mystical ambiance.
Ashes - "the first of the cold days" - Nice dialog. Your stories are so "Ashes!" You truly have identified your own writing voice.
Mully - "Defensive Line" - Wow, this was taken from your own life? I had a very genuine feel to it which is probably the highest priority when writing, but I did feel that maybe the ratio of exposition to building character or moving the plot forward could be shifted -- or at least spread out differently.
But anyway, this was actually based on a true story, and this kid went to the ICU. Also, good point about being careful to say "my world" and you're right: I'm not sure how to create a fantasy world very well with the more structural detail I put in. I felt it was important to include for the sake of the story but I could tell that I wasn't making sense or contradicting myself. I'll work on it. As usual, thank you again for your thorough feedback.
1. Ainz - Dutch Courage
2. time to kill - Symbiosis
3. Cyan - a Grim Errand
hm. Zweizer, Charade
Feedback:
Ourobolus - "Just in Case" - I liked the characters your developed, and while it's a small point, I liked the names of the characters. I forgot about the name "Ernest" and it somehow cracks me up. The ending was well done.
Ainsz - "Dutch Courage" - This story was so powerful to me. It makes the MC very mysterious and interesting -- what is he? A sociopath that has reached nirvana? Funny. And the relationship between the father and the son is absolutely fascinating. I did want to know a bit more of "those people out there" but it wasn't actually necessary for me to know more. It'd be fun to see this character in a chapter book.
Chainsawkitten - "New Deal" -- So, I'm biased because I really like this kind of music. Well done!
Croll - "A Night at the Bar" -- This was fantastic. The word choice was hilarious. It also made me feel really bad for guys who feel responsible for taking the first step at a bar cuz those girls weren't helping at all and just make it so hard! JEEZ!!! Anyway though, very well done and I really liked how he said, "I hope she doesn't have a nose."
SquiddyCracker - "The Troupe"-- Wow this was fascinating and I'm flattered and honored that you shared your dream with us. You certainly kept to the dream-like quality of it. There was a sense of mystery to it, almost fairy tale like, like a Tim Burton movie. Some parts were a little confusing (for me), but that is all part of the dreamlike flow to it.
theWB27 - "Be Who You Are" - I liked the dynamics of these characters. On a personal note, I remember 2 kids from elementary school named Blake and Brian and they were good friends and cool kids that I always wanted to get to know better. But they were sort of in their own world. I'm curious to know if another format might have been better rather than a screenplay, but I'm not sure -- maybe it's just me being bad at reading screenplays!
mu cephei - "Dead and Gone" -- What was most impressive about this story was the poetic style to it. How did you pull that off? Well done.
Mike M - "The Box Rule" -- What I liked most about this story was how gripping the tension was. I was getting stressed out for the characters as I read the story. So, good character development because they were easy to buy into.
Cyan - "A Grim Errand" -- This was fantastic! It was hilarious and so vivid. It was so fun to visualize Death walking down the street, and the bullets going through his empty rib cage, etc. (I wonder what would happen if any bullets actually hit his rib cage.) Also, though, I was a bit confused as to why he'd make that promise but I guess the point is that it was such a trivial task. The end made me smile. I liked the cats too -- it was like a Simpsons Halloween special! You seriously should submit this to them!
timetokill - "Symbiosis" -- Somehow this reminded me of something I read about metaphors of sin. I can't remember what but maybe it was Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. The reason it reminded me of this other analogy, wherever it was, and why I liked your piece, was because it's interesting to think about fear as something we've grown accustomed to, and almost hold dear, even if it's a pain in the ass.
Tangent - "Despite Magic" -- Man... I kept on wanting to make this point about our psyche and magic but kept on countering my point with saying things that cancelled other things out. This is actually based on a true story I read about, but I thought about how it'd be interesting if it happened to someone with a particular community with particular privilege, etc.
Zweizer - "Excerpts From a Lost Diary" - I loved this! I actually got super freaked out as I read this. I literally got chills down my spine. Also, I was really jealous of the character's life, just playing video games all day. I did want to know more about the experiment and what made the diary interesting. I think one thing I thought you were trying to do, or thought the story might be leading up to is, the idea that the diary he was writing was the diary he found and was reading, and that he was dead -- something that turned in on itself like that. Which would be hard to pull off and confusing, but creepy.
QuantumBro - "P.A.": This was one of my favorites because it was so hilarious. (In the beginning, I somehow pictured the support group scene from Fault in Our Stars.) But for some reason I was really itching to know more about each character! But I guess this would be impossible: in doing so, maybe you'd miss the fast-paced, funny dialog.
StormBrute - "Carry On": I really liked this and it was easy to visualize the characters and their relationship with each other, and their history. Was there some sort of zombie apocalypse?
Regardless, I wonder too if it'd be interesting to explore Laurie's mental state in this whole thing. I think children often are shaped by their parents even if they might theoretically think it doesn't make sense. So Laurie now thinks Rebecca has the right course of action. But still, it might be interesting to see a struggle of wondering if doing it the parents' way was correct, and still is. I'm thinking of, say, abusive patterns in a family. One might grow up thinking what their parents did was wrong, but can't help to think, "Well, maybe it's important that I beat my kids anyway" -- it's just what they know and what they're familiar with, and also, there is a sense of respect in continuing what has happened.midramble - "Trinkets of the Immortal": This was fantastic. I think a lot of people with some minuscule degree of privilege (real or imagined) wonder if anything they do is really commendable since maybe it's all a farce. So I think this story speaks to that "fear." It was all very easy to visualize, well-organized, easy to follow, and I liked the build-up to the bathroom scene and the homeless guy taking a dump, and how that changed the character's outlook.
Charade - "Two Pounds" (over word count, ineligible) -- This was awesome. It was so well-written and also, it reminded me of Ronito's donkey story from way back when! Poor miner. I liked the characters you developed and the dialog was fitting.
Nezumi - "Chasing Nightmares" -- This was such an interesting concept -- that nothingness, no dreams whatsoever, would be much more scary than nightmares. It's like apathy is scarier than terror. As usual, I liked your writing style that sets up a mystical ambiance.
Ashes - "the first of the cold days" - Nice dialog. Your stories are so "Ashes!" You truly have identified your own writing voice.
Mully - "Defensive Line" - Wow, this was taken from your own life?
I had a very genuine feel to it which is probably the highest priority when writing, but I did feel that maybe the ratio of exposition to building character or moving the plot forward could be shifted -- or at least spread out differently.Right, I sometimes work in both.
But anyway, this was actually based on a true story, and this kid went to the ICU. Also, good point about being careful to say "my world" and you're right: I'm not sure how to create a fantasy world very well with the more structural detail I put in. I felt it was important to include for the sake of the story but I could tell that I wasn't making sense or contradicting myself. I'll work on it. As usual, thank you again for your thorough feedback.timetokill
Banned
Feedback
Ourobolus - "Just In Case"
I really enjoyed the scene description. The dialogue, not so much. The section where they're talking about the causes of the war and the man in the moon came off as too pat. I felt like I was hearing the author rather than the characters.
Ainsz - "Dutch Courage"
A lot of typos and grammar issues that make it hard to stay focused on the story. Some idiom issues. You can't have a "surprised poker face," for instance. All of that aside, I thought the scene was all right but I found it hard to connect with the main character. I don't really know what he feels or thinks, and if you can't care about your narrator then any story is in trouble.
Chainsawkitten - "New Deal"
This one just didn't work for me. It was abrasive in a way that didn't make me think "fear" but rather "hatred" and generally indecipherable.
Croll - "A Night at the Bar"
This one was interesting. I wanted to follow along just to figure out what the heck was going on. The way you drip-fed information about the characters and their characteristics worked for me in a short story like this. It was pretty funny, too, and the descriptions were vivid. I could almost taste the disgusting drinks Dom was knocking back.
SquiddyCracker - "The Troupe"
My first thought was that if I were to analyze your fears based on this, I'd say you were terrified of periods. As such this piece was kind of exhausting to read, but in a breathless and thrilling sort of way that could be fun as well. I did enjoy the dreamlike quality of it all, and there is an abundance of imagination and vivid description at play here.
theWB27 - "Be Who You Are"
I really liked the scene in the dream, with the shadows talking and the loud booms. It painted a very interesting picture in my mind. The dialogue was great and felt very natural. I felt a little disappointed by the ending. I didn't mind the revelation but I just felt unfulfilled. Not sure if it was too short or what.
mu cephei - "Dead and Gone"
I learned a new word, "biro," from reading this. Cool stuff. Also, this story was half-impenetrable and half-heartbreaking. I enjoyed reading it.
Mike M - "The Box Rule"
The writing is good as usual... but the story didn't resonate with me. I really liked the lead up to the box itself in terms of its execution but overall it kind of felt like you were going through the motions. That your "motions" are so good is obviously a huge compliment, though.
Cyan - "A Grim Errand"
The setup is silly stuff indeed, for instance why is the man running from his own (or another person's) lawn with a pizza for another house? The humor in his insistence on delivering a pizza aside, I thought the setup could've used more thought. Past that, I thought it moved along at a good pace, with the discussion with the cats being a fun midpoint. Minor issues aside, it was a fun, easy read.
Tangent - "Despite Magic"
I really wanted to like this story, and I think (imagine, being childless at the moment) that the fears a new parent goes through with the birth of their child is a good choice for a story. You went with a magical world, which doesn't bother me at all, but what did bother me was that you practically sidestepped the "metaphor" and made the lesson so transparent. Fantasy is a great way to talk about normal human issues but I would've preferred it to not be so obvious about it. The fact that this magical people uses incubators seemed strange to me. Overall I just felt frustated by this story.
Zweizer - "Excerpts From a Lost Diary"
I found this engaging, though the breakdown at the end was fairly predictable, though a lot of the really interesting details to make the story shine were left out. There's a line to walk with how much information you give the reader, obviously -- too much and it becomes boring, too little and it's unfulfilling. I found this one on the "too little" side. I will say that I initially thought the story was going to be about how mundane the main character's life was, and how fear related to a "wasted life," and that got me pretty interested. But alas, poor Charade.
QuantumBro - "P.A."
I laughed, and since this is a comedy that's a compliment. This came across as a comedy show sketch, and that somehow made it funnier for me because I was envisioning people literally saying things like "Yay!" and "Yikes!" and so on. The ending fell flat for me, though. I get that the joke is that something actually horrifying for him happened while everyone else is scared of weird/mundane/silly stuff, but for some reason it didn't work in the text. I'd imagine the delivery of the line by a skilled comedian could make it work, though.
StormBrute - "Carry On"
I enjoyed this one, easy to read and pretty compelling, but with a bit of an empty feeling. I wanted to know more about what was going on. We got a hint of it at the end, with a snowpocalpyse clearly having hit the earth, but that clearly wasn't all, not with the creature in chains in the boathouse. I felt a good sense for the relationship between the two characters.
Nezumi - "Chasing Nightmares"
I really, really loved the concept here, and the pieces of information you gave to the reader definitely enticed me to learn more. I just wish there WAS more to learn, and more action, as in the opening. It's tough to put enough worldbuilding in a limited word count like that and still get the story arc in though. Overall a very interesting piece that I found myself wishing was about twice as long so that the ending could feel more organic.
midramble - "Trinkets of the Immortal"
Too long apparently, but of course I read it I really enjoyed the way you kept the painting metaphor going throughout the piece. Things moved along briskly enough, though I'm not sure doing the flashback was the best choice, just because it was so long. I'm curious how it would read if you just did it chronologically. Anyway I was surprised to see a sports story, and I enjoyed it, as a sports fan. I do wish the guy had stayed in the fights a little longer, just to feel more of the fear as he realized he was outmatched, rather than being knocked out instantly. I think it would've added to it. I also realized I don't really like the "ha-ha-ha" stuff in the dialogue, it just reads weirdly to me.
Charade - "Two Pounds"
I enjoyed your writing a lot in this one. The setting was interesting and I thought things flowed naturally. You accomplished a lot of worldbuilding in a pretty short amount of time, I guess due to it being a light fantasy setup. Again, I thought the writing was really well done.
Ashes - "The First of the Cold Days"
"'Oh come one!' she cried."
Joking aside, I really like the pace and tone you have here. The dialogue at the beginning was a bit confusing to me, in a "who is talking now?" kind of way, since the characters are new, but after that things smoothed out a lot. I didn't get a sense of "fear" in this story, though, and though many things happened which one might be fearful about, I didn't get that impression from Aretha. I didn't think I would, but I actually liked how you handled the explanatory breakdown of what happened to her and why, though she wasn't to know.
Mully - "Defensive Line"
Broooooo. Bro. Brosky.
This felt authentic, for sure. But it also seemed to include a lot of unnecessary details that didn't really help the story. It seemed very rough in this regard, like you were writing the stuff that came to mind when you thought about it but didn't go back to see if it helped the narrative.
Votes
1. Croll - "A Night At The Bar"
2. Nezumi - "Chasing Nightmares"
3. SquiddyCracker - "The Troupe"
Ourobolus - "Just In Case"
I really enjoyed the scene description. The dialogue, not so much. The section where they're talking about the causes of the war and the man in the moon came off as too pat. I felt like I was hearing the author rather than the characters.
Ainsz - "Dutch Courage"
A lot of typos and grammar issues that make it hard to stay focused on the story. Some idiom issues. You can't have a "surprised poker face," for instance. All of that aside, I thought the scene was all right but I found it hard to connect with the main character. I don't really know what he feels or thinks, and if you can't care about your narrator then any story is in trouble.
Chainsawkitten - "New Deal"
This one just didn't work for me. It was abrasive in a way that didn't make me think "fear" but rather "hatred" and generally indecipherable.
Croll - "A Night at the Bar"
This one was interesting. I wanted to follow along just to figure out what the heck was going on. The way you drip-fed information about the characters and their characteristics worked for me in a short story like this. It was pretty funny, too, and the descriptions were vivid. I could almost taste the disgusting drinks Dom was knocking back.
SquiddyCracker - "The Troupe"
My first thought was that if I were to analyze your fears based on this, I'd say you were terrified of periods. As such this piece was kind of exhausting to read, but in a breathless and thrilling sort of way that could be fun as well. I did enjoy the dreamlike quality of it all, and there is an abundance of imagination and vivid description at play here.
theWB27 - "Be Who You Are"
I really liked the scene in the dream, with the shadows talking and the loud booms. It painted a very interesting picture in my mind. The dialogue was great and felt very natural. I felt a little disappointed by the ending. I didn't mind the revelation but I just felt unfulfilled. Not sure if it was too short or what.
mu cephei - "Dead and Gone"
I learned a new word, "biro," from reading this. Cool stuff. Also, this story was half-impenetrable and half-heartbreaking. I enjoyed reading it.
Mike M - "The Box Rule"
The writing is good as usual... but the story didn't resonate with me. I really liked the lead up to the box itself in terms of its execution but overall it kind of felt like you were going through the motions. That your "motions" are so good is obviously a huge compliment, though.
Cyan - "A Grim Errand"
The setup is silly stuff indeed, for instance why is the man running from his own (or another person's) lawn with a pizza for another house? The humor in his insistence on delivering a pizza aside, I thought the setup could've used more thought. Past that, I thought it moved along at a good pace, with the discussion with the cats being a fun midpoint. Minor issues aside, it was a fun, easy read.
Tangent - "Despite Magic"
I really wanted to like this story, and I think (imagine, being childless at the moment) that the fears a new parent goes through with the birth of their child is a good choice for a story. You went with a magical world, which doesn't bother me at all, but what did bother me was that you practically sidestepped the "metaphor" and made the lesson so transparent. Fantasy is a great way to talk about normal human issues but I would've preferred it to not be so obvious about it. The fact that this magical people uses incubators seemed strange to me. Overall I just felt frustated by this story.
Zweizer - "Excerpts From a Lost Diary"
I found this engaging, though the breakdown at the end was fairly predictable, though a lot of the really interesting details to make the story shine were left out. There's a line to walk with how much information you give the reader, obviously -- too much and it becomes boring, too little and it's unfulfilling. I found this one on the "too little" side. I will say that I initially thought the story was going to be about how mundane the main character's life was, and how fear related to a "wasted life," and that got me pretty interested. But alas, poor Charade.
QuantumBro - "P.A."
I laughed, and since this is a comedy that's a compliment. This came across as a comedy show sketch, and that somehow made it funnier for me because I was envisioning people literally saying things like "Yay!" and "Yikes!" and so on. The ending fell flat for me, though. I get that the joke is that something actually horrifying for him happened while everyone else is scared of weird/mundane/silly stuff, but for some reason it didn't work in the text. I'd imagine the delivery of the line by a skilled comedian could make it work, though.
StormBrute - "Carry On"
I enjoyed this one, easy to read and pretty compelling, but with a bit of an empty feeling. I wanted to know more about what was going on. We got a hint of it at the end, with a snowpocalpyse clearly having hit the earth, but that clearly wasn't all, not with the creature in chains in the boathouse. I felt a good sense for the relationship between the two characters.
Nezumi - "Chasing Nightmares"
I really, really loved the concept here, and the pieces of information you gave to the reader definitely enticed me to learn more. I just wish there WAS more to learn, and more action, as in the opening. It's tough to put enough worldbuilding in a limited word count like that and still get the story arc in though. Overall a very interesting piece that I found myself wishing was about twice as long so that the ending could feel more organic.
midramble - "Trinkets of the Immortal"
Too long apparently, but of course I read it
I really enjoyed the way you kept the painting metaphor going throughout the piece. Things moved along briskly enough, though I'm not sure doing the flashback was the best choice, just because it was so long. I'm curious how it would read if you just did it chronologically. Anyway I was surprised to see a sports story, and I enjoyed it, as a sports fan. I do wish the guy had stayed in the fights a little longer, just to feel more of the fear as he realized he was outmatched, rather than being knocked out instantly. I think it would've added to it. I also realized I don't really like the "ha-ha-ha" stuff in the dialogue, it just reads weirdly to me.Charade - "Two Pounds"
I enjoyed your writing a lot in this one. The setting was interesting and I thought things flowed naturally. You accomplished a lot of worldbuilding in a pretty short amount of time, I guess due to it being a light fantasy setup. Again, I thought the writing was really well done.
Ashes - "The First of the Cold Days"
"'Oh come one!' she cried."
Joking aside, I really like the pace and tone you have here. The dialogue at the beginning was a bit confusing to me, in a "who is talking now?" kind of way, since the characters are new, but after that things smoothed out a lot. I didn't get a sense of "fear" in this story, though, and though many things happened which one might be fearful about, I didn't get that impression from Aretha. I didn't think I would, but I actually liked how you handled the explanatory breakdown of what happened to her and why, though she wasn't to know.
Mully - "Defensive Line"
Broooooo. Bro. Brosky.
This felt authentic, for sure. But it also seemed to include a lot of unnecessary details that didn't really help the story. It seemed very rough in this regard, like you were writing the stuff that came to mind when you thought about it but didn't go back to see if it helped the narrative.
Votes
1. Croll - "A Night At The Bar"
2. Nezumi - "Chasing Nightmares"
3. SquiddyCracker - "The Troupe"
QuantumBro
Banned
1. Zweizer
2. Cyan
3. Croll
2. Cyan
3. Croll
I want to thank everyone who read and/or commented on my story even though you didn't have to. I really appreciate it!!
So I have comments written for about half of the stories, but I wasn't able to write something for all of them. I have some free time later today, so I'll probably finish and post them then. Anyways, I still read everything, so here's my votes!
1. StormBrute
2. Cyan
3. mu cephei
HM: Zweizer, Ashes
Ohh I missed this. Yeah, it's an idea I've been stewing for a while now. It may or may not be my NaNo idea. Actually, it probably will be since I don't have any other ideas and its coming up so fast!
So I have comments written for about half of the stories, but I wasn't able to write something for all of them. I have some free time later today, so I'll probably finish and post them then. Anyways, I still read everything, so here's my votes!
1. StormBrute
2. Cyan
3. mu cephei
HM: Zweizer, Ashes
Ohh I missed this. Yeah, it's an idea I've been stewing for a while now. It may or may not be my NaNo idea. Actually, it probably will be since I don't have any other ideas and its coming up so fast!
1. Tangent
2. StormBrute
3. Timetokill
Man, my schedule does not accommodate this amount of stories well.
I should go back to doing comedy. Seems that people like that a bit more than when I try serious stuff (which is fine, I prefer writing humor anyway).
2. StormBrute
3. Timetokill
Man, my schedule does not accommodate this amount of stories well
.I should go back to doing comedy. Seems that people like that a bit more than when I try serious stuff (which is fine, I prefer writing humor anyway).
Even though my NaNo idea involves writing about a father who comes home from a non-combat role in war with a case of PTSD after accidentally witnessing (and indirectly causing) the death of two of his soldiers. I was doing some reading on Generational Abuse one day and thought it might be interesting to examine how the father abusing his daughter (physically, not sexually) causes the daughter to suffer from her own form of PTSD. Then as the family drifts apart, the two would later meet at a PTSD support group, and will try to make amends. No idea if it will be any good.
Ok. Done with all reading and almost done with all critiques. Going to put my vote up now to hit the floating deadline and post the critiques tomorrow. A lot of interesting reads. With this many entries I was surprised that there was so much room for uniqueness.
And here's the vote (with preview critique)
1) Mike M - "The Box Rule" (Damn solid. Great dialogue. Addictive read.)
2) Tangent - "Despite Magic"(Again great work. Loved every minute and the world lingered in my imagination for a while)
3) Ourobolus - "Just in Case" (Theme resonated with me. Loved the tribute. Surprise extra layer of depth )
HM
Nezumi - "Chasing Nightmares" (Loved the concept, world, and mechanics)
Going to sleep for a bit. Tomorrow I'll finish the critiques and post for those that check in and are interested.
And here's the vote (with preview critique)
1) Mike M - "The Box Rule" (Damn solid. Great dialogue. Addictive read.)
2) Tangent - "Despite Magic"(Again great work. Loved every minute and the world lingered in my imagination for a while)
3) Ourobolus - "Just in Case" (Theme resonated with me. Loved the tribute. Surprise extra layer of depth )
HM
Nezumi - "Chasing Nightmares" (Loved the concept, world, and mechanics)
Going to sleep for a bit. Tomorrow I'll finish the critiques and post for those that check in and are interested.
I liked the style you wrote in this week. I liked it very much.
Thanks. I dunno. I need to practice more as far as setting the mood of the piece - it's something I've often struggled with, since at least in reality I tend to be pretty...upbeat, or at least I don't often show a more somber side. So writing about it takes some extra effort on my part.
Which is funny because I'm a total pessimist. I just typically shrug things off though.
The Results:
1st Place: Cyan - "A Grim Errand"
2nd Place (tie): Tangent - "Despite Magic"
2nd Place (tie): timetokill - "Symbiosis"
Vote Count:
Cyan - 16 (3)
Tangent - 12 (2)
timetokill - 12 (1)
StormBrute - 11 (2)
Mike M - 9 (2)
Ashes - 6 (2)
Croll - 5 (1)
mu cephei - 4 (1)
theWB27 - 4
Ainsz - 3 (1)
Zweizer - 3 (1)
SquiddyCracker - 3
Nezumi - 3
QuantumBro - 3
Ourobolus - 2
My goodness. That one was crazy close; midway through counting I was sure either ttk or Stormbrute had it. Thanks for the votes, folks. I... have no idea what to do for the next one. I'll get something up later today.
1st Place: Cyan - "A Grim Errand"
2nd Place (tie): Tangent - "Despite Magic"
2nd Place (tie): timetokill - "Symbiosis"
Vote Count:
Cyan - 16 (3)
Tangent - 12 (2)
timetokill - 12 (1)
StormBrute - 11 (2)
Mike M - 9 (2)
Ashes - 6 (2)
Croll - 5 (1)
mu cephei - 4 (1)
theWB27 - 4
Ainsz - 3 (1)
Zweizer - 3 (1)
SquiddyCracker - 3
Nezumi - 3
QuantumBro - 3
Ourobolus - 2
My goodness. That one was crazy close; midway through counting I was sure either ttk or Stormbrute had it. Thanks for the votes, folks. I... have no idea what to do for the next one. I'll get something up later today.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Congratulations!
Ehhh, I'd personally rather use the downtime to wrap up NaNo prep.
- Status