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[Azala]

Age: 21

Social circle: I'm not sure what sort of answer to give here. I had a small but tight group of friends from high school, but we don't get to see each other that much anymore. At school, I've got a few friends in residence, who are good people, but we don't go out much, mainly just hanging out and doing whatever in residence. If you meant the question as, "do you go out to clubs all the time" or something like that, the answer is no.

kind/type of girl: I've always had trouble with this question as well. I hope this doesn't sound shamelessly flattering, but I guess I want a woman who is like how you represent yourself here on the forum, Azala. I dunno, I want someone who's not just looking for someone who will give them charming lines. I want someone who is mature, and can like me, and be understanding in spite of the fact that I don't know how dating's supposed to work. I guess I want someone who will like me, not someone who likes what I'm doing to attract her.

Okay, I'm not sure if that made any sense, I'm really not very coherent when given that question.

Yes that's somewhat of what I had in mind on the social circle side. It would also help to know how you meet these girls then, what level of friendship/contact you have with them pre-existing, and what qualities they seem to possess that draws you to them. What reputations they have, basically anything you know about them really. If they have a reputation for running through boyfriends like nylons they probably aren't what you're looking for.

Yes while that is flattering it's also just plain nice to see that there are still some men left in this world that actually desire those types of girls. To be honest though, what you are looking for is going to be hard to find in your age group and such. It's college and a some girls are genuinely experimenting/rebelling, while others are doing it because they think it's all they can expect/ask for/deserve. It could just be unfortunate luck that the girls you are attracted to physically are the ones most prone to play games. Anyway, it's really going to make a difference in where you go to meet them and how you interact with them.

I would say, don't play any games yourself, be upfront and honest but also low pressure. Don't reek of desperation. Take care in your appearance. Proper grooming should be a must regardless really. Be yourself, try and involve them in your interests but also share in some of theirs.

You're in college, so I'd say you're best bet is to look for girls in a science or math based major or check out the library. *chuckle* Seriously, it was my experience that the girls in my astrophysics major were a completely different breed then the ditz's and game players in my psychology major. And you aren't into clubbing, so that's good. Study groups are good as well. Depending on your confidence level, your pre-existing familiarity with them, their personality type and your comfort level at progressing quickly it really varies on how you should approach them. It's going to be an individual thing unfortunately. Some girls will respond best to getting to know them in a group or non dating scenario first. They'd be the ones you ask to go bowling with a group of buddies (mixed gender), or to share a study group. Others will be happy to do lunch/dinner/movie whatever right from the start. Some you might want to romance, and can feel comfortable and safe being really sweet from the start. Others might be turned off by this and need something more down to earth.

Unfortunately I just have to second Littleberu, it's just going to happen. The best thing you can do to help that is put yourself in more situations and environments where it is MORE likely to happen and see what unfolds.

 

[Azala]

Yeah, you can approach the girl and say those things, that's fine. But either way, walk away. You aren't playing any game whatsoever. If you say something and back off, you're being honest. If you say nothing and back off, you still have nothing to feel guilty about. She'll figure out that you caught on. It's not like you did anything wrong. Backing off from some girl that's trying to play you isn't "playing a game," it's being smart. Remember: She's hurting his feelings, he's trying to be a nice guy. Unless he flips out and seriously tells her off or something, he's not going to look like an ass. All he can do is tell her how he realizes she isn't interested and is also avoiding confrontation and leave it behind. But, again, not saying that and still ignoring her is not anything he should consider player-like. She ditched him, remember? The ball's in her court, and she put a knife through it and tossed it out the window. Game over, she called it.

At this point she hasn't put a knife through anything. She stated she may or may not be available but is interested. It's all about follow through now. I agree though that it's probably for the best that if she doesn't follow through he should make some sort of statement as to his change in interest. It's really for both their benefits and lets him save face while she learns a lesson. Just don't be an ass about it. And really, it still has a good chance of turning out well. I'm rooting for him!

Backing off is still playing a game if you lie about it, as you suggested to do. The forthright, but respectful approach is always the best. It's only appropriate to tell a white lie if it will genuinely spare someone's feelings without having long term repurcussions for them. If it's something they could benefit from hearing in the long term, tell them, just try and do it nicely.

Part of the problem here is that he's never concreted his interest. He's had ample opportunity to reaffirm their relationship and up to this point has not. If she's losing interest herself it may be because she's taking his lack of effort on this regard as a sign that he is not interested, despite his offers elsewhere. Maybe she's not interested in casually dating but a more serious relationship. This is why honesty works for both parties.

 

[Boogie]

Yes that's somewhat of what I had in mind on the social circle side. It would also help to know how you meet these girls then, what level of friendship/contact you have with them pre-existing, and what qualities they seem to possess that draws you to them. What reputations they have, basically anything you know about them really. If they have a reputation for running through boyfriends like nylons they probably aren't what you're looking for.

Ah, I didn't mean to imply that I've met many of the "wrong" sort of girls, just that I don't know how to find the "right" ones.

You're in college, so I'd say you're best bet is to look for girls in a science or math based major or check out the library. *chuckle* Seriously, it was my experience that the girls in my astrophysics major were a completely different breed then the dazes and game players in my psychology major.

Too bad I'm a humanities student frightened by science and math classes ;P

Unfortunately I just have to second Littleberu, it's just going to happen. The best thing you can do to help that is put yourself in more situations and environments where it is MORE likely to happen and see what unfolds.

Or it's just not going to happen, as the case may be, as thus far I've completely failed at putting myself in said situations and environments, and wouldn't even know where to start.

 

[Azala]

Aww, don't sound so down Boogie. You never know. Humanities has potential! Some of the more staunch classes in the series could draw them in. And there's always class electives! Look for girls taking lots of notes - with good attendance. Maybe you can ask one of them if they want to help you review for a final or exam, or invite them and a few others to join a study group. Or join one alone, often teachers and teachers aides know of study groups that meet. You can just join a few and see if there's any potential there. Or ask a friend in the class to arrange a study group for you if you have someone already in mind. You can find out when and where they study and happen to be there. After a particularly boring lecture you can offer to buy her something caffeinated to wake her up, or go get one together. "I'm heading over to the coffee house, that lecture put me out. Would you like to join me?" There's so many ways to go about this, but I totally understand the shyness. I'm terribly shy in person myself.

Surely you can put yourself in class Boogie, in the library, in a non or low drinking fun environment? Network through friends? Bump into people at the mailboxes. I met quite a few study budies that way. One of my favorites Lee, who helped me pass a great number of physics classes, had the mailbox above me and we met over spilled mail.

A lot of local places will have college nights, like the bowling alley, movies, coffee shops. Try dragging yourself out more, and studying in public places. Volunteer opportunities and/or side jobs also afford good opportunities to meet people. Look at some of your hobbies and see if getting out there and doing them will help you meet people with similar interests. Most colleges have activity nights. Now I never joined the naked runs in the rain, but I did attend a few movie nights, some table hockey and so forth and met some nice people.

 

[Prince of Space]

*waits for the call*

 

[ElyrionX]

Glad to see everything working out... about the initial subject though (of calling a girl again right away), let me share a short story with you that shows you how much it turns a girl off if you call "too much"

My friend was in love with this girl in our acting class (circa 2002). Throughout the semester he was thinking of a way to go up to her and ask her out... by mid-semester she was really cool with everyone and we had a blast (seriously, acting class is like going back to elementary school during recess). Towards the end of the semester I started dating a friend of hers and low and behold she told me that the girl my friend liked, liked him back. Well the acting class was done but he did manage to get her number.

Skip forward a week.

--- CALL #1 ---
My friend calls her, gets her roommate and she says, "oh Mandy (the girl) is at Spanish club, give her a call back in a few hours"

--- CALL #2 ---
He calls her back later, no one answers so he leaves a message.

--- CALL #3 ---
One week later: My friend and I were going bar-hopping figured it would a good time to call her again, kinda get a group thing going. She answers, says "I wish you wouldve called sooner, I told my boss I'd work tonight and tomorrow morning (maybe BS, maybe not). "Call me tomorrow and we'll do something."

--- FINAL CALL ---
The next day we are going bar hopping again and he gives her a buzz. No answer, he leaves a message and his cell number again.

Weeks went by with no word, no call, nothing. I finally ran into my ex-girlfriend (whom was friends with her) and I asked her what the deal was. She said that she liked my friend but was turned off because he seemed a little too stalkerish for her. WTF???

Please tell me that's not fucked up. lol

I don't get it. This guy didn't appear desperate. And he called only one week after getting the number. In fact, one week sounds a bit too long. It should be 5 days, IMO. But then again, he totally didn't come off as desperate or "stalkerish" from what Razoric wrote. So what's the lesson here?

 

[effzee]

this wont fit the thread but i dont feel like making a new thread but yeah...is it possible to really like like two girls at once and have still have honest feelings? ive been into this one girl for a while but her fam issues are an obstacle...while this other girl....me and her have become super tight but i think she likes me....and im warming up to her. but i still have feelings for the original girl...what the hell is this?

 

[Azala]

I don't get it. This guy didn't appear desperate. And he called only one week after getting the number. In fact, one week sounds a bit too long. It should be 5 days, IMO. But then again, he totally didn't come off as desperate or "stalkerish" from what Razoric wrote. So what's the lesson here?

Either there is more to the story, or the girl was nuts/looking for excuses/justifying going for some other guy instead.

 

[NLB2]

I hope this doesn't sound shamelessly flattering, but I guess I want a woman who is like how you represent yourself here on the forum, Azala.

Don't listen to him, Azala, he's in the minority. I didn't even realize you were a chick :lol.

 

[StoOgE]

yeah, so in case any of you want an update:

she called early tonight and said she was coming... an hour later, I get a phone call saying she cant make it with a million fucking reasons. So, fuck her. I mean, she has been leading me on from day one, and then doesnt even have the common curtesy to tell me she isnt coming until after Im at the party and all my friends think they are going to get to meet her. So, yeah..

Dear bitch,

go jump of a cliff.

- StoOgE

 

[Cubsfan23]

yeah, so in case any of you want an update:

she called early tonight and said she was coming... an hour later, I get a phone call saying she cant make it with a million fucking reasons. So, fuck her. I mean, she has been leading me on from day one, and then doesnt even have the common curtesy to tell me she isnt coming until after Im at the party and all my friends think they are going to get to meet her. So, yeah..

Dear bitch,

go jump of a cliff.

- StoOgE

:lol :lol

 

[All Hail C-Webb]

yeah, so in case any of you want an update:

she called early tonight and said she was coming... an hour later, I get a phone call saying she cant make it with a million fucking reasons. So, fuck her. I mean, she has been leading me on from day one, and then doesnt even have the common curtesy to tell me she isnt coming until after Im at the party and all my friends think they are going to get to meet her. So, yeah..

Dear bitch,

go jump of a cliff.

- StoOgE

She could have been nervous. Maybe she was intimidated by your charms and good looks?
Either way, she doesn't seem good enough for you, just forget about her and move on.

 

[Ronok]

Ok, so it's kinda off topic, but, what do you guys think about the subject of going out with a friends ex?


Stooge, she could have got nervous or whatever you never know. If you've had enough though you should actually tell her.

 

[peedi]

yeah, so in case any of you want an update:

she called early tonight and said she was coming... an hour later, I get a phone call saying she cant make it with a million fucking reasons. So, fuck her. I mean, she has been leading me on from day one, and then doesnt even have the common curtesy to tell me she isnt coming until after Im at the party and all my friends think they are going to get to meet her. So, yeah..

Dear bitch,

go jump of a cliff.

- StoOgE

I'd advise you to get a life. Seriously. The mere fact she called to inform you of her inability to come shows that she cared enough to let you know. Many girls, particularly if they're not interested, wouldn't even call you.

Christ. I'm glad you divested yourself of this obsession, if only because it'll spare her the the time she'll expend with that eventual restraining order.

 

[norinrad21]

Women could be so cruel.

My buddy has been hanging out with this girl for almost 6 months now, things are going pretty well until he decided to let her know after 6 months he's been feeling something for her, she then tells him he's smart enough to figure it out himself. My buddy just stays there with a wtf face, please explain.

She continues we are friends, ever since we met i've always considered you as a friend, my buddy's heart within a blink of an eye feels like its been ripped out of his chest. he did take it like a man though when she told him that friendship crap, mean while when he was telling me what had just happened to him, the poor bastard broke down in tears.

Called a girlfriend later this evening to find out whats going on and it turns out the chick has been hanging out with another dude......

 

[silver]

*snaps fingers* Signals, Stooge, signals! It's all about the signals!

 

[ElyrionX]

Women could be so cruel.

My buddy has been hanging out with this girl for almost 6 months now, things are going pretty well until he decided to let her know after 6 months he's been feeling something for her, she then tells him he's smart enough to figure it out himself. My buddy just stays there with a wtf face, please explain.

She continues we are friends, ever since we met i've always considered you as a friend, my buddy's heart within a blink of an eye feels like its been ripped out of his chest. he did take it like a man though when she told him that friendship crap, mean while when he was telling me what had just happened to him, the poor bastard broke down in tears.

Called a girlfriend later this evening to find out whats going on and it turns out the chick has been hanging out with another dude......

So he hangs out with her for 6 months before letting her know? Dude, it's not the chick who's being cruel to him here. He's being cruel to himself. If you like a chick, you have to make thigns obvious right from the start. If not, you're just setting yourself up for a world of hurt like what you described above.