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Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
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Atramental
Banned
but computers are the most efficient at calculating and performing outcomes!
TurboLibre
Member
Guilty. Emotion only gets in the way. I've never encountered a situation where feelings were the best course of action.
electricshake
Member
Best way to reply to OKC messages from people you're not interested in? I mean I don't want to be rude and ignore them, but I don't want to give them the wrong idea. And flat out saying 'I don't find you attractive' seems a bit harsh.
That works fine if you're working on math equations and creating formulas, but not so much in the ways of love.
I'm not good at math actually, it works great with people and friends to not let emotions cloud your judgements.
i think any sort of reply would be worse than ignoring them to be honest. That seems to be the way the whole online thing works. I mean typically the girls never reply to the guys if they arent interested.
Logic should inform your decisions, e.g. "I like this girl, but she would be a bad influence on me so I'll be wary," or, "I really want to put it in but I don't have any condoms on me so I'll cool off, potential consequences are too significant," but you're not living life if you're acting like a robot. Not how it works.
For every thread about someone dying in a freak accident doing something dangerous and exciting there are a hundred people going "LOL WHY DID HE TAKE THAT RISK THAT'S SO DUMB DARWIN AWARD" from the comfort of their basement lair, having taken the safest route through a miserable life.
You can be smart and still be connected to your emotions, make decisions and take risks that don't pass a detached cost benefit analysis, and be better off for it, or maybe not sometimes, but it's part of the human condition and I'll celebrate that.
For every thread about someone dying in a freak accident doing something dangerous and exciting there are a hundred people going "LOL WHY DID HE TAKE THAT RISK THAT'S SO DUMB DARWIN AWARD" from the comfort of their basement lair, having taken the safest route through a miserable life.
You can be smart and still be connected to your emotions, make decisions and take risks that don't pass a detached cost benefit analysis, and be better off for it, or maybe not sometimes, but it's part of the human condition and I'll celebrate that.
Houston3000
Member
Definitely just ignore
electricshake
Member
Haha oops. Ah well, I'll just start ignoring from now on. I feel bad though!
Baconsaurus Rex
Member
Hey thanks for at least reading my post, wasn't really aiming at that when typing that all out. In your situation there is a clear point of change, a point of no return. Something like that hasn't happened (yet). I've decided to give some backstory on this matter.
My girlfriend lost a relative and had some hard times dealing with that. That whole time she didn't want to have anybody around, she didn't want to see me nor did she want to talk to me. That all happened a month ago now. The whole time I couldn't cope with the fact that she was all alone and didn't want me to be there for her, something I think is the right thing to do you know helping her in these hard times. These last few weeks she has had some ups and downs. Sometimes she would blatantly ignore my texts, did not even acknowledge once that she did that. And then there were a few rare occasions that we had some sort of a conversation.
Her being distant to me was something I just could not rationalize. I was making up all these theories in my head that she did not love me anymore, there's somebody else, the only reason she didn't break-up yet is because of my birthday etc. These fears were (and are) absolutely killing me. Two weeks ago I decided to express these feelings, asked her whether she still loved me. She said yes, she just wanted that time for herself. Honestly I didn't believe her and I started to worry even more.
Because that was two weeks ago I'm now thinking that everything should be ok again. She should be over it, how selfish of me I know. However she kept being distant to me. She started to chat again with all her friends and all, yet not so much with me. Last Monday I asked her on Skype why she was doing all this and she didn't even understand what I was talking about. She didn't want to have her webcam on, which was odd I thought but I decided to throw all my feelings on the table. How I was feeling so desperate and all. Then I realized why her webcam was off: I could hear a laugh which resulted in my gf laughing too. She has a friend staying over most of the time, I even asked her if she was alone at that moment and she said yes. She was lying to me obviously. Asked her if her friend was with her, she told me it was her mother. Could hear her talk and type on her blackberry for crying out loud. I'm 110% sure that it was her friend and yet she kept lying and joking around. Guess she isn't taking it serious then. Kept saying that everything was alright between us.
So that whole message from yesterday was when I finally lost my senses. Started chatting with her and everything was going really well. Was talking about her cheerleading, I said that it was a nice hobby. She got mad. I'm completely perplexed. She was making a huge deal out of the fact that I called this sport a hobby. She said that I was acting arrogant when I tried to make clear what I meant. I was just baffled what the fuck she was talking about. Well I got mad, asked her wtf was wrong. She didn't want to say. Said to her that she should come clear or should just go back to her normal self again. Again she was saying that everything is fine. I lost my shit, said some bad things and apologized right after.
So why would a girl do this? Keeping everything to herself, not telling me what's wrong and not talking to me at all and all those mood swings. I know that I'm currently overreacting but why isn't she helping me control my feelings. It would feel so much better if she just would reply to my messages or started a conversation about some random topic. I want to have fun, she only has to talk to me.
At this point I think that I've fucked up everything already, I'm looking really desperate right now.
This is a definite "you should just break-up" isn't it?
New to online dating: not sure how to follow this up.
A cute girl responded to my intro message (I askd a few questions blah blah) with this:
So I imagine she's not interested AND she can't write properly, that or she's boring and couldn't bring herself to write a more interesting response or answer any of my questions. So I don't respond. Since then she's been checking my profile everyday like she's waiting for a response. What's that all about?
A cute girl responded to my intro message (I askd a few questions blah blah) with this:
So I imagine she's not interested AND she can't write properly, that or she's boring and couldn't bring herself to write a more interesting response or answer any of my questions. So I don't respond. Since then she's been checking my profile everyday like she's waiting for a response. What's that all about?
Baconsaurus Rex
Member
Just write something back. If she is checking your profile daily then chances are she's waiting for a reply. Wouldn't hurt would it?
I'd say forget it but if she's checking your profile daily then maybe she's just shy or something? Send a message.
Qwerty710710
a child left behind
Tell me what you guys what you think I have this on my OKC and my pof profile. Personally I think I could do better it seems a bit boring, but I don't know how to spice it up.
"Hey there, my name is ...., I'm 25 years old. I work in Edison. I'm very close with my family and friends. I'm an outgoing type of person who likes to have a good time. Some things I like to do when I'm not working is playing sports with some friends, going to the gym, and traveling.I'm looking too meet someone new figuring to give okcupid a try. If you're interested and want to know more message me."
"Hey there, my name is ...., I'm 25 years old. I work in Edison. I'm very close with my family and friends. I'm an outgoing type of person who likes to have a good time. Some things I like to do when I'm not working is playing sports with some friends, going to the gym, and traveling.I'm looking too meet someone new figuring to give okcupid a try. If you're interested and want to know more message me."
On my iPhone it's hard to document review..
A) paragraphs bro
B) it's are, not is
C) no , then and
D) to not too
I'll rewrite it
Hey, i'm <name> and 'm 25 years old. I grew up in <state> and currently work in Edison.
I'm very friend and family oriented and enjoy spending time with them.
When I'm not working I enjoy playing sports, gymming and traveling. I follow the <local sports team> and love playing <sport> in particular. One day I'd love to visit <country> for <its/their> reason.
I'm looking for a girl who can make me smile, relax with and see what happens from there.
Sanky Panky
Banned
Generic generic and generic. There is nothing in there that makes you stand out. Everyone likes to "have a good time", many people play sports, and when you talk about travelling, you can expand more as to what kind of travelling specifically.
Post something that is unique about yourself, and be more specific on stuff.
Say that your two great passions are working in a children's hospital and cage fighting. Also, mention your pet jaguar.
Etrian Oddity
Member
Your girlfriend sounds extremely immature and, sorry to be so rude, the stereotypical "liek ohmaygawd" cheerleader bimbo I meet so often in college.
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Vermillion
Banned
I feel like so many girls I meet are pretty generic...
Replace "generic" with extreme Christian/crazy/fat and you have my case. I would gladly take "generic" if it meant none of those.
Atramental
Banned
Haha! I was about to make the exact same response.
Where are you going to meet girls? Change your setting. Go where the type of girl you'd like to run into is at. A book store, a hockey game, whatever.
Vermillion
Banned
Just parties really.
I'm in college for the record.
And God I wish clubs lined up better with my schedule.
hawkshockey11
Banned
its been over a month since I was dumped and I just can't get back to normal... I never got closure since it was done over facebook chat and on top of that I asked her if she wanted to give it another try after about a week of no contact.. She didn't know what to say so I told her to sleep on it. Never got an answer. I have done a tooonnn in the way of self improvement both physically and mentally and I determined the root the problem was me and I fixed it. It is spring break now and I was planning on "going out on a date" with her to take pictures and trying to work things from there. She is ignoring me though and it is frustrating me to no end. All of the ignoring and fb-breakup is not like her though. i know I shouldn't be like this and something is not right with me but I just wanted to vent while I am laying in bed not sleeping.
Qwerty710710
a child left behind
Well it is in paragraph form it's just the way this thread is set up. But yea I think that's a nice start but I want to be different. It's just I don't have the creativity to write a excellent profile or a first message to a chick.
Yea I even noticed that. It's too bland and what should I be specific. I don't want to sound like a pompous asshole I don't think it's my pictures I know I'm not ugly, but I'm not hot either.
Lol hopefully nobody will call me out on it.
You just figure it out really. There's no real way to explain it. You were probably bad at it at first, and you've probably already gotten better. Same concept applies to sex.
You need to relax. Stop crowding her and self-sabotaging your relationship. You're creating drama where there is none. You also reek of desperation, which is unattractive.
I just wish there was a way to measure if I'm doing okay or not, at least when you learn a new language or skill you can properly gauge how well you're doing, but this is so different.
Just take things slow when you kiss, and slowly build it up.
Most inexperienced guys just go all guns blazing.
thestopsign
Member
If you are comfortable enough with your girlfriend, just ask her how to improve. I find it's best not to open your mouth too much (makes it very sloppy) and to intersperse a bit of tongue every once and a while.
I still keep wondering what people mean by telling you to "go to bookstores, shops, and such" to meet girls. How do you even strike up a conversation there? Usually most girls I see at such locations are in groups, with other people or busy talking on phones. I never see girls who are at such places who look like they are even open to being approached (nowadays most of them if they're by themselves are buried in their phones) because they look to be busy minding their own business.
I'm tempted to create a "test" OKC profile that encompasses the antithesis of all the good advice being tossed around in this thread and elsewhere. Not to say that all the advice in here is bad, I'm just curious as to how it will be received. Maybe I'll toss in some anecdotes about being suicidal and still living at home, with some heavy handed remarks about being obsessed with anime and beanie babies. At that point though I feel like it would all boil down to how attractive the pictures of the person are, but it'll be a fun little experiment.
Baconsaurus Rex
Member
Saw my errors just yesterday, you're right. Feeling way better now I finally 'get it'.
If they're busy, they'll let you know. They won't bite. Hi is a good opener
Even if they're in a group, asking them for an opinion on your shoes, a book, or whatever is still viable. Can you imagine how many guys they meet in a day, because they "look busy"? Not a whole lot! Most guys won't dare to approach them, just like you. Don't be that guy, and approach anyway.SpectreFire
Member
:lol
POF is now making the Who Viewed You page a paid feature. Man, that place is being run by absolute morons.
POF is now making the Who Viewed You page a paid feature. Man, that place is being run by absolute morons.
TurboLibre
Member
Logic drives my initiative. If I think there's a chance I'll take it, but if I don't see signs that something is there it wont even cross my mind. So if a girl is flirting with me and giving me good sings she's interested I'll make a move. If not, well, I don't see any reason to put myself out there. The problem is every girl that has flirted with me was just leading me on. And I don't see any signs from the others that they're attracted to me. Either they're just not interested or they keep that shit hidden, in either case I can't push myself to make a move on an opportunity I just don't see. I think the biggest hurdle is sitting at a 0% success rate. It's impossible to approach a woman with confidence and believe they're attracted to you, when you have no grounds to base that on.
I agree that Hi is a good opener. But the problem for me becomes I have no idea what to say after that. What usually has happened is I'll make a comment about something and she either doesn't hear me or doesn't seem interested at all. So, once that's done there really isn't anywhere else to go with it. Can't make people be interested after all.If they're busy, they'll let you know. They won't bite. Hi is a good opener
This is where logic isn't serving you. Your hormones are supposed to push you in the right direction and make you throw yourself out there and force a positive outcome regardless of any statistical data. Don't suppress your sexuality!
Indeed, else you become like me. I am the product of having done so out of fear. I still have a hard time thinking otherwise and accepting "sexuality". It still rubs me the wrong way though sometimes.
Glorified G
Member
Your own desire should drive your initiative. If you're confident as you say you are you wouldn't be depending on the girl to give you signs. If you want something you should go after it.
TurboLibre
Member
Now you got me worried I don't have those hormones. I have never felt the push to approach someone. I don't think it's because I'm suppressing my sexuality though, I'm thinking it could be a general mistrust of people that's causing it. Until very recently I didn't have too many positive experiences with people, despite my best efforts. It's made me become guarded around people I don't know very well.
Well, again, it's a different type of confidence. Confidence isn't an all encompassing term, you can be sure of yourself in many aspects of your life but still struggle in others. In short, I trust in myself. Not in others. That's also probably why I don't see someone and immediately think "I want them". It's not until I've built up some sort of rapport do I even consider the idea.
The taken girl who I mentioned earlier started chatting with me and told how good time she had that night. She wanted to see me again and asked if we could meet on thursday. Well, I agreed and now were seeing again. Her text was flirty. This is getting scarily close to dating.
Dunno what I'm gonna do with this one, shit's gonna lead me into trouble She's a nice girl and I like hangin out with her, but I don't intent to take this anywhere further as long as she has that relationship status. Also can't keep inviting my friends everytime we meet, it would be kinda stupid if there was this pattern everytime.
Dunno what I'm gonna do with this one, shit's gonna lead me into trouble
She's a nice girl and I like hangin out with her, but I don't intent to take this anywhere further as long as she has that relationship status. Also can't keep inviting my friends everytime we meet, it would be kinda stupid if there was this pattern everytime.Zombie James
Banned
Great, POF put the ability to see who viewed your profile behind a paywall. Really helpful.
The taken girl who I mentioned earlier started chatting with me and told how good time she had that night. She wanted to see me again and asked if we could meet on thursday. Well, I agreed and now were seeing again. Her text was flirty. This is getting scarily close to dating.
Dunno what I'm gonna do with this one, shit's gonna lead me into trouble
Are you sure you guys aren't just friends? Try getting more physical to test that out.
You really are sounding awfully like me more and more...
I too have trust issues and generally think the worst of people. Definitely not a good thing if you're wanting to be social. For me it's fear. Fear has really been a great motivator to completely suppress sexuality.
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