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[Napoleonthechimp]

Now you got me worried I don't have those hormones. I have never felt the push to approach someone. I don't think it's because I'm suppressing my sexuality though, I'm thinking it could be a general mistrust of people that's causing it. Until very recently I didn't have too many positive experiences with people, despite my best efforts. It's made me become guarded around people I don't know very well.

I'm going to try taking L-Dopa in an effort to boost my dopamine levels. I noticed a significant increase in my sex drive after taking a product that contained it. I think psychological conditioning can lower those levels after a long enough time.

 

[Vermillion]

You really are sounding awfully like me more and more...

I too have trust issues and generally think the worst of people. Definitely not a good thing if you're wanting to be social. For me it's fear. Fear has really been a great motivator to completely suppress sexuality.

I don't trust others either. Once you realize that everyone does shit behind everyone's back, you stop caring, though.

 

[soultron]

Now you got me worried I don't have those hormones.

It's not like you can't do things to increase and balance out your hormones.

Are you working out? Eating well? Sleeping well?

All of these things contribute to a healthy lifestyle which will, to the best of my knowledge, also provide and regulate a good hormonal balance. All of these things can also contribute to a great attitude because you should be feeling great too.

Spend an hour or two doing some reading on the subject if you're that worried.

 

[Mecha_Infantry]

Best way to reply to OKC messages from people you're not interested in? I mean I don't want to be rude and ignore them, but I don't want to give them the wrong idea. And flat out saying 'I don't find you attractive' seems a bit harsh.

Haha, now you know what I'm going to say?!

 

[TurboLibre]

It's not like you can't do things to increase and balance out your hormones.

Are you working out? Eating well? Sleeping well?

Yes to all the above. I work out/exercise almost daily and have pretty good eating habit. Sleeping is hit or miss lately, but it's not slowing me down.

 

[soultron]

I still keep wondering what people mean by telling you to "go to bookstores, shops, and such" to meet girls. How do you even strike up a conversation there? Usually most girls I see at such locations are in groups, with other people or busy talking on phones. I never see girls who are at such places who look like they are even open to being approached (nowadays most of them if they're by themselves are buried in their phones) because they look to be busy minding their own business.

I believe that if a guy is going to parties and approaching girls, I'm think he doesn't have approach anxieties that will bother him in other public places, so I'm suggesting he approach women in a setting that provides some commonality -- you're going to leverage this commonality as an easy way to open conversation.

If guys going to parties are claiming these women aren't their type without even talking to them then I have zero sympathy. If you think women are sluts/boring/Jersey Shore wannabes just because they're dressing a certain way and enjoying alcohol at a party -- and that makes them not your type, again, without even talking to them -- then it's a shitty double standard and a safe excuse not to talk to women. You don't know much about someone until you talk to them.

The real difficulty is going up to talk. There are no magic lines or approach strategies. Find something to talk about and speak with confidence. If a girl doesn't seem into it, she's either not interested in you, taken, having a bad day, or whatever -- the list goes on. That's fine. It happens to all of us. But once you get comfortable with approaching women to just talk, you're going to be fine.

Again, distilled into once sentence: start a conversation about anything in your surroundings.

If you're not willing to get creative and/or approach these people, there's nothing you can do for yourself, sorry. It's all so easy and immensely difficult at the same time, I realize. The great thing is that it's a switch that breaks when you finally flip it correctly. You'll always be stuck on easy mode once you shift gears.

 

[soultron]

Here's something for you dudes. You know how some people have dropped the excellent advice of not being outcome dependent?

You're trying to get better at talking to women with the aim of getting numbers, getting laid, getting a GF, whatever.

Why not try getting better at talking to people, period? Without expectations other than a good conversation about whatever.

This is going to involve a lot of personal anecdotes, but I want to use these to motivate, not to say I'm better/you're shit.

Try talking to people, young or old, men or women. Get a job where you can do this if being paid to do so makes it easier. (I work at a gym where I talk to ~200 people a day, on average. It's a fun job!)

If you see someone on the street with an iPad or a book you're interested in, ask them about it. What do they like, dislike, make a recommendation of your own, etc. At the theatre in line? Ask people what they're seeing. At a bar? Learn some parlour tricks to entertain people with, make bets for free beers! (Look up "Scam school" on YouTube!) Start joining clubs or sports teams like we mentioned in the OP.

Just anything to get your comfortable talking in public to people. Once you're comfortable talking to people, you'll be more than ready to talk to girls without many problems. You'll be talking to girls just because you want to have a conversation. Then, within that conversation, you can start asking for numbers if you feel like they're interesting enough for you.

 

[grumble]

Yes to all the above. I work out/exercise almost daily and have pretty good eating habit. Sleeping is hit or miss lately, but it's not slowing me down.

Might also want to not whack off a lot. For a lot of people it dulls your sex drive (for obvious reasons).

 

[soultron]

Here's something for you dudes. You know how some people have dropped the excellent advice of not being outcome dependent?

You're trying to get better at talking to women with the aim of getting numbers, getting laid, getting a GF, whatever.

Why not try getting better at talking to people, period? Without expectations other than a good conversation about whatever.

This is going to involve a lot of personal anecdotes, but I want to use these to motivate, not to say I'm better/you're shit.

Try talking to people, young or old, men or women. Get a job where you can do this if being paid to do so makes it easier. (I work at a gym where I talk to ~200 people a day, on average. It's a fun job!)

If you see someone on the street with an iPad or a book you're interested in, ask them about it. What do they like, dislike, make a recommendation of your own, etc. At the theatre in line? Ask people what they're seeing. At a bar? Learn some parlour tricks to entertain people with, make bets for free beers! (Look up "Scam school" on YouTube!) Start joining clubs or sports teams like we mentioned in the OP.

Just anything to get your comfortable talking in public to people. Once you're comfortable talking to people, you'll be more than ready to talk to girls without many problems. You'll be talking to girls just because you want to have a conversation. Then, within that conversation, you can start asking for numbers if you feel like they're interesting enough for you.

 

[kid ness]

This girl flaked on me today from OKC, excuse being her parents were in town and wanted to spend the day with her. She told me she wasn't bailing, and we already made plans for Thursday. Not thrilled, but whatever. The thing that bugs me is she's still texting me stuff like "how's your day" when there's obviously nothing else to talk about.

I'm not a fan of texting in online dating, especially before meeting the person, for two reasons:
1. in effort to keep possible conversation topics fresh
2. We could be incompatible in person making texting a waste of time

Am I just being overly cynical? Or how I can make sure something like this doesn't happen in the future?

Why not try getting better at talking to people, period? Without expectations other than a good conversation about whatever.

Just anything to get your comfortable talking in public to people. Once you're comfortable talking to people, you'll be more than ready to talk to girls without many problems. You'll be talking to girls just because you want to have a conversation. Then, within that conversation, you can start asking for numbers if you feel like they're interesting enough for you.

Love this advice, this man speaks the truth.

 

[Glorified G]

This girl flaked on me today from OKC, excuse being her parents were in town and wanted to spend the day with her. She told me she wasn't bailing, and we already made plans for Thursday. Not thrilled, but whatever. The thing that bugs me is she's still texting me stuff like "how's your day" when there's obviously nothing else to talk about.

I'm not a fan of texting in online dating, especially before meeting the person, for two reasons:
1. in effort to keep possible conversation topics fresh
2. We could be incompatible in person making texting a waste of time

Am I just being overly cynical?Or how I can make sure something like this doesn't happen in the future?


Love this advice, this man speaks the truth.

Looks like a valid excuse, she rescheduled, and she's still texting you. You're being a tad cynical. Unless you think you take precedence over her parents lol.

 

[hawkshockey11]

So girl at work that I wasn't sure was flirting with me or just being a friend told me on facebook that she had a crush on me. I had one on her too but between me being awful with signs girls throw at me and I still had my ex on my mind she, decided to go for someone, that is not the cream of the crop but showed interest in her.

It stings a little but the fact that someone was attracted to me raised me from basically the most depressed (because of the situation posted above) I have ever been to feeling extremely optimistic and finally ready to move on for good. She said that there was still hope since things might not work out with the guy she is seeing now. Holy fuck it feels good to have that feeling in the pit of my stomach gone.

 

[kid ness]

Looks like a valid excuse, she rescheduled, and she's still texting you. You're being a tad cynical. Unless you think you take precedence over her parents lol.

Haha definitely not, thanks for the input.

 

[Combine]

The real difficulty is going up to talk. There are no magic lines or approach strategies. Find something to talk about and speak with confidence. If a girl doesn't seem into it, she's either not interested in you, taken, having a bad day, or whatever -- the list goes on. That's fine. It happens to all of us. But once you get comfortable with approaching women to just talk, you're going to be fine.

Again, distilled into once sentence: start a conversation about anything in your surroundings.

If you're not willing to get creative and/or approach these people, there's nothing you can do for yourself, sorry. It's all so easy and immensely difficult at the same time, I realize. The great thing is that it's a switch that breaks when you finally flip it correctly. You'll always be stuck on easy mode once you shift gears.

I can see what you are getting at here. But as someone with severe anxiety, it has always been a good excuse not to bother since it just seems like too much effort for no reward. Of course, that's looking as an "outcome only" worldview, but that's the view I've had practically all my life. You start to also believe things where after every girl you approach and you get a bad response is indicative of how all women are. Leading to the inevitable thoughts of "well, obviously women hate me, everything about me and everything I do/like (interests)".

It eventually becomes frustrating because you always seem to be struggling with the baby steps (saying hi, trying to figure out what to talk about) and everyone else is just whistling along without a care and this stuff comes easy for them and they're already super experienced at it all and that is what you are competing against.

Again, all in the mindset of someone with anxiety/depression. Try to think differently, but it's hard.

 

[Vermillion]

Here's something for you dudes. You know how some people have dropped the excellent advice of not being outcome dependent?

You're trying to get better at talking to women with the aim of getting numbers, getting laid, getting a GF, whatever.

Why not try getting better at talking to people, period? Without expectations other than a good conversation about whatever.

This is going to involve a lot of personal anecdotes, but I want to use these to motivate, not to say I'm better/you're shit.

Try talking to people, young or old, men or women. Get a job where you can do this if being paid to do so makes it easier. (I work at a gym where I talk to ~200 people a day, on average. It's a fun job!)

If you see someone on the street with an iPad or a book you're interested in, ask them about it. What do they like, dislike, make a recommendation of your own, etc. At the theatre in line? Ask people what they're seeing. At a bar? Learn some parlour tricks to entertain people with, make bets for free beers! (Look up "Scam school" on YouTube!) Start joining clubs or sports teams like we mentioned in the OP.

Just anything to get your comfortable talking in public to people. Once you're comfortable talking to people, you'll be more than ready to talk to girls without many problems. You'll be talking to girls just because you want to have a conversation. Then, within that conversation, you can start asking for numbers if you feel like they're interesting enough for you.

I've thought of this - I will try it in the future.

 

[mcrae]

I've thought of this - I will try it in the future.

not in the future. tomorrow. now.

 

[RelentlessRolento]

Well I'm officially going out with this girl that I thought friend zoned me a while ago, but over spring break found out she liked me...


My question now is I like her alot and she likes me alot too, and we've had alot of good nights together so far (she's been staying over most of last week and been having awesome bed times ;P )

I'm attracted to her, but I'm 27 years old and never have had a girlfriend (have had short relationships though in the past) and I'm a bit worried I'm more happy that I'm in a relationship than the fact I'm with her.

My only answer to myself is to just see how things pan out over time and don't question it; Just enjoy it for now. I do feel dumb just thinking this way about it though since things are going so well already and I'd hate to screw things up by thinking unnecessary things.

 

[Mr.City]

I can see what you are getting at here. But as someone with severe anxiety (identity/excuse), it has always been a good excuse not to bother since it just seems like too much effort for no reward.( already predicting outcomes/ seeing social interaction as risk/reward) Of course, that's looking as an "outcome only" worldview, but that's the view I've had practically all my life.(Surrending) You start to also believe things where after every girl you approach and you get a bad response is indicative of how all women are. Leading to the inevitable thoughts of "well, obviously women hate me, everything about me and everything I do/like (interests)".

It eventually becomes frustrating because you always seem to be struggling with the baby steps (saying hi, trying to figure out what to talk about) and everyone else is just whistling along without a care and this stuff comes easy for them and they're already super experienced at it all and that is what you are competing against. (comparing yourself to others/judgement)

Again, all in the mindset of someone with anxiety/depression BEHOLD I AM ANXIETY MAN. Try to think differently, but it's hard.

Of course, it's hard. Do you think decades of mental sludge would be cleared away easily? C'mon, robot dating gaf, the reason you have no luck is because you want control of every situation, to dissect like an animal and analyze. What about that is exciting or romantic? None of it. You just want an A+ on your date.

I see so many people who wear their anxiety, depression, disorders as mask. I HAVE DEPRESSION/ ANXIETY, THIS WILL ENFORCE HOW I LIVE FROM NOW ON, I WOULD BE FREE IF I DIDN'T HAVE THIS ANXIETY. It's like you've settled for some shitty role in some play. Now, yes, many of these disorders are real and very serious, however you guy just willingly accept it and wear it like a cheap suit.

What if you had didn't carry a name? What would the fear/anger/ despair come from?

 

[Puddles]

As much as I don't like the PUA scene, Mystery had some good advice for Neil Strauss before his first club run:

"Think of it like a video game. It's not real."

Are you filled with feelings of self-loathing when you can't beat a boss on your first try? Of course not. Like everything else, it takes practice. Keep talking to people. Figure out what people find interesting about you. Figure out ways to present yourself in the best possible light. You'll make embarrassing mistakes, like everyone else does. Whatever. Keep at it.

 

[Mr.City]

I'm not a big fan of that advice since it suggest a disconnect from reality.

I like this better from Eckhart Tolle in The New Earth

You may then think and speak of yourself as a "sufferer" of this or that chronic illness of disability. you receive a great deal of attention from doctors and others who constantly confirm to you your conceptual identity as a sufferer or a patient. you then unconsciously cling to the illness because it has become the most important part of who you perceive yourself to be.

 

[kid ness]

It eventually becomes frustrating because you always seem to be struggling with the baby steps (saying hi, trying to figure out what to talk about) and everyone else is just whistling along without a care and this stuff comes easy for them and they're already super experienced at it all and that is what you are competing against.

Again, all in the mindset of someone with anxiety/depression. Try to think differently, but it's hard.

No, this is not true at all. To some people it may come naturally, but for many others including myself it's been a huge work in progress and years of trying before results. You have to drop this mentality of anxiety being your obstacle like Mr. City mentioned if you ever want to get anywhere.

I took a piece of looseleaf paper, and wrote down one of my favorite quotes, and hung it up on my wall: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take". When I look back on my life, it's ok if I failed in some aspects, but knowing that I didn't give my best effort would be inexcusable.

I've seen you post in this thread before and I've noticed some people have stopped giving you advice. I know anxiety/depression can be hard, with first hand experience in both of those categories, but you're going to let that stop you? I've seen you say in this thread that you enjoy playing video games. My advice: go a week without gaming. Devote the time you would have spent in your safe bubble out in the real world; a book store, coffee shop, staying active.

 

[Cubsfan23]

You start to also believe things/QUOTE]


This is all about beliefs


If you're struggling with something, it's because you have self-sabotaging beliefs. All you gotta do is get rid of the negative beliefs and install positive ones. Your subconscious holds all of your beliefs, that's why sometimes you can't always pinpoint what is going wrong in a situation. If you think you can't change your beliefs, then that's just more proof that there are self-sabotaging beliefs. Now you have no excuses since you are aware of this.

 

[Vermillion]

not in the future. tomorrow. now.

Meh, people are rarely doing interesting things to ask about.

As much as I don't like the PUA scene, Mystery had some good advice for Neil Strauss before his first club run:

"Think of it like a video game. It's not real."

Are you filled with feelings of self-loathing when you can't beat a boss on your first try? Of course not. Like everything else, it takes practice. Keep talking to people. Figure out what people find interesting about you. Figure out ways to present yourself in the best possible light. You'll make embarrassing mistakes, like everyone else does. Whatever. Keep at it.

Depends on how close I get. And it's not self-loathing, it's rage.

 

[Miguel]

Great, POF put the ability to see who viewed your profile behind a paywall. Really helpful.

Android App still shows it. Guess I won't be updating it for a while heh.

 

[Miguel]

Last time I decided I'm not quite ready for any serious dating at this point, so I'm going into things pretty much just looking for some quick action when I do get bored enough to jump on POF, otherwise just hanging with friends and not really stressing over girls. Not that the former is working out all that well, though one girl shows promise, but the latter is working out ok. Hanging out with family/friends and not trying to seek someone out every time I go out. The past year or so has shown me that I can land some relatively attractive girls and the mental block I used to get when approaching girls is going away, (not totally, but it's eroded quite a bit), and now it doesn't seem like a necessity to find someone at all hours of the day.

tl;dr - not seeking at the moment... upon reflecting on 2011, content with progress.

 

[Desperado]

Meh, people are rarely doing interesting things to ask about.

People are always doing interesting things to ask about.

 

[Vermillion]

People are always doing interesting things to ask about.

I wish. On an elevator? Just standing.

On the bus? Just sitting. Anywhere else? Just walking. Or studying. In my hall? I already know them.

 

[masud]

As much as I don't like the PUA scene, Mystery had some good advice for Neil Strauss before his first club run:

"Think of it like a video game. It's not real."

Are you filled with feelings of self-loathing when you can't beat a boss on your first try? Of course not. Like everything else, it takes practice. Keep talking to people. Figure out what people find interesting about you. Figure out ways to present yourself in the best possible light. You'll make embarrassing mistakes, like everyone else does. Whatever. Keep at it.

But you can't throw women against the wall if you fail with them. Well you could but that's assault...

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I don't go out much, but I went to a party at a night club/restaurant place on the weekend (overdressed accidentally... I assumed that everyone else would do so, but no I stuck out like a sore thumb. But I looked awesome, so it was okay).

See, I figured I could at the very least get out a bit and talk to people (what Soultron is saying, at least make conversation with other people). And you know what... it's surprisingly easy. Well, not total strangers, my friend had invited me, my friends, and his other friends, so talking to new people was sorta facilitated... but it's fairly easy once you get the ball rolling. The only issue was, everything became ridiculously loud very fast afterwards for a long time, so there wasn't much conversation had. As awkward as I can be, once I get started talking, I don't shut up, so that was fine for me. It was like tearing off fingernails trying to get my friend to talk to people around him, he's more awkward then I am. I spent more time trying to convince him to talk to people then I did talking to people.

But you know what... it was a good night at the end of it all. I actually think I came off as not a whacko. Made some jokes without falling flat on my face, was a little animated, complimented the singer (twice, she was pretty great).

Now then, I am planning to push this with my buddy. I'm sure some might find it cruel, but I'm gonna force conversation for him. When I'm with my friends, conversation with strangers becomes very, very easy (since it's like, I got backup, and even if I fail so hard, I can still laugh about it. I remain silent on my own always).

Not really a Dating-Age thing, but I just wanted to get my thoughts down. What I did right, what I did wrong. I think that were conversation possible later in the night, I coulda done better. Was fun though.

 

[RhombusPrime]

So today my girlfreind and I were making out a little bit and I decided to move things to my bedroom. I had the kind of cold where the cough is a little bit uncontrollable. So things are getting pretty kissy kissy and after kissing her neck for a bit I go in to kiss her again and coughed right into her mouth. We both started cracking up and had to stop at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Killed the mood to say the least. Don't do that.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

So today my girlfreind and I were making out a little bit and I decided to move things to my bedroom. I had the kind of cold where the cough is a little bit uncontrollable. So things are getting pretty kissy kissy and after kissing her neck for a bit I go in to kiss her again and coughed right into her mouth. We both started cracking up and had to stop at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Killed the mood to say the least. Don't do that.

Sorry dude, but

You did tell her you have a cold, right? I mean, now she'll have a cold. And she'll be like "The fuck dude, you made me sick!"

I imagine.

 

[RhombusPrime]

Ha, yes, I told her. But we hadn't seen each other in like 10 days so she was down to do stuff anyways. Just thought I'd share that little anecdote with GAF.

 

[mcrae]

I wish. On an elevator? Just standing.

On the bus? Just sitting. Anywhere else? Just walking. Or studying. In my hall? I already know them.

elevator im assuming is in your halls, which im assuming is university residence
-you see the guy at the hot dog vendor outside? he was dressed crazy!
-i fucking hate how these keycards dont work sometimes
-i never remember how disgustingly old and dingy these elevators are until i actually get on them. never fails.
- nice shoes.

on the bus
- nice shoes
- as you're sitting down: wow its freezing/warm out

while waiting for the bus
-do you know when the bus is coming
-why is this bus always late
-have i seen you around here before?

interupting people who are walking places is weird, unless for specific purpose. such as you're with friends and they call you out on being too much of a pussy to go up and talk to that pretty girl you're all watching walk by. in which case you shortly jog up to her and say hey can i talk to you for a quick sec? i just commented to my friend on how pretty you are and he called me out on it so while its painfully obvious that any girl that looks like you is probably already in a relationship, i thought i'd come introduce myself regardless. (thats just how i'd do it, and would only work for me because it would be done in a really humorous way. play to your strengths)

while studying .... in a non-quiet zone area of course
-can i borrow a pencil (except you dont just say 1 line to her. start with how theres this embarrassing story about how while you're smart enough to study engineering, apparantly you're not smart enough to remember how to bring a pencil with you to the library. then take note of what shes studying and comment on how you were interested in that but would never be able to understand chemistry/how to write proper english essays/how to research for history classes/how to do intense economics
-would you mind watching my stuff for a quick second? *agonizingly handsome smile* then when you come back 'hey sorry i took so long, i hope i didnt keep you waiting or anything' if she says anything, continue on. if she just shrugs or says no, as you slide into your chair say 'ahhh i just really needed a break from this stuff even though im almost done' and she'll agree, and you ask her what shes up to, or she'll just ask what stuff you're doing, and after an hour or whatever you can see if she's ready for a break too and go get coffee

in halls
-hang out with people you know but dont reaaaally know, as an effort to increase your conversation skills.
-make friends with your friends friends

clothing wise
- you can always comment on something on a girl. i used nice shoes cause recently some girls were wearing moccasins. i think they're dumb as hell but they are much more unique than average shoes, and so yea, on some level they're interesting. just gotta do it in a way where you seem interested in the thing you're commenting on, but not so much that its not obvious you're only saying it cause you're hitting on them. at a party this weekend some girl was nearly in hysterics cause everyone including her roomates were yelling at her for calling the cops cause a girl was unresponsive (alcohol) and a bit later she was in the hallway watching the paramedics treat the girl and i was in the doorway to a bedroom so i got her attention by saying her name then looked at her feet and said i like your moccasins. in the midst of it all she stopped, smiled, laughed a little bit and said 'awe you're a sweetheart'

ive done all of these things btw. not often, mostly only when im really intrigued by a girl, but if you're conciously trying to improve your conversational/social skills, use every opportunity with every kind of person.

 

[Vermillion]

Let's remember that I'm black. I feel like at least one of these things will make me look like creepy.

Next, I usually leave my friends be if they're talking to other friends. If they talk to me, okay, cool. But if they're with anyone I don't know, I usually leave them alone. I don't want to be that guy that people talk about as butting in on conversations or is always there when you don't want to be. Other reason I don't even ask but the closest of friends to go with them places.

I mean, I guess I can throw out nice compliments every now end then, but...

 

[mcrae]

Let's remember that I'm black. I feel like at least one of these things will make me look like creepy.

Next, I usually leave my friends be if they're talking to other friends. If they talk to me, okay, cool. But if they're with anyone I don't know, I usually leave them alone. I don't want to be that guy that people talk about as butting in on conversations or is always there when you don't want to be. Other reason I don't even ask but the closest of friends to go with them places.

I mean, I guess I can throw out nice compliments every now end then, but...

why leave your friends alone if they're talking to other friends? dont they introduce you and include you in the conversation? you're not 'that guy' when you're already friends with one of the people, lol

i understand not asking but the closest of friends to go places, but is that because they dont invite you places, so you have to ask?

you should take the initiative in organizing gatherings/hangouts so you dont feel the need to horn in on others plans


compliments never hurt. if you make a girl smile, its nice. if you get ignored, you can chalk it up to people being fucking morons, in general. if something happens then thats just gravy. and all of the above just makes you more natural at interacting.

 

[Vermillion]

why leave your friends alone if they're talking to other friends? dont they introduce you and include you in the conversation? you're not 'that guy' when you're already friends with one of the people, lol

i understand not asking but the closest of friends to go places, but is that because they dont invite you places, so you have to ask?

you should take the initiative in organizing gatherings/hangouts so you dont feel the need to horn in on others plans


compliments never hurt. if you make a girl smile, its nice. if you get ignored, you can chalk it up to people being fucking morons, in general. if something happens then thats just gravy. and all of the above just makes you more natural at interacting.

They'll introduce me, but that's about it. I don't hang around.

My closest friends do invite me places, but that's a short list of people. I'm the nice person who is acquainted with many people, but actually friends with few. I don't go out of my way. With female friends, I don't even try. Even my supposed closest one. Don't trust that people want me around (still talking solely about females). Maybe I'm over-thinking it, but I prefer not to wear out any sort of welcome. Though maybe I just need better friends...

Planning shit is too much hassle, and get's too complicated.

I guess.

 

[soultron]

Let's remember that I'm black. I feel like at least one of these things will make me look like creepy.

Next, I usually leave my friends be if they're talking to other friends. If they talk to me, okay, cool. But if they're with anyone I don't know, I usually leave them alone. I don't want to be that guy that people talk about as butting in on conversations or is always there when you don't want to be. Other reason I don't even ask but the closest of friends to go with them places.

I mean, I guess I can throw out nice compliments every now end then, but...

Bolded: Bullshit, dude.

I'm sorry if some people were racist and made you think this way about yourself, but remember that a lot people -- especially the ones worth your time -- won't give a shit about you being black, white, yellow, red, or purple.

Underlined: You sound apprehensive and unsure. Try it and then report back before you give yourself reasons not to do something without even trying it. Sushi looks disgusting as fuck, but I'm glad I tried it because I love it now. Shitty analogy? You decide.

 

[Vermillion]

Bolded: Bullshit, dude.

I'm sorry if some people were racist and made you think this way about yourself, but remember that a lot people -- especially the ones worth your time -- won't give a shit about you being black, white, yellow, red, or purple.

Underlined: You sound apprehensive and unsure. Try it and then report back before you give yourself reasons not to do something without even trying it. Sushi looks disgusting as fuck, but I'm glad I tried it because I love it now. Shitty analogy? You decide.

I wouldn't call it racism - some people just wouldn't be attracted to black people and as an instinct I understand that... but I guess you're right. We shall see.

 

[butimnotarapper]

Here's something for you dudes. You know how some people have dropped the excellent advice of not being outcome dependent?

You're trying to get better at talking to women with the aim of getting numbers, getting laid, getting a GF, whatever.

Why not try getting better at talking to people, period? Without expectations other than a good conversation about whatever.

This is going to involve a lot of personal anecdotes, but I want to use these to motivate, not to say I'm better/you're shit.

Try talking to people, young or old, men or women. Get a job where you can do this if being paid to do so makes it easier. (I work at a gym where I talk to ~200 people a day, on average. It's a fun job!)

If you see someone on the street with an iPad or a book you're interested in, ask them about it. What do they like, dislike, make a recommendation of your own, etc. At the theatre in line? Ask people what they're seeing. At a bar? Learn some parlour tricks to entertain people with, make bets for free beers! (Look up "Scam school" on YouTube!) Start joining clubs or sports teams like we mentioned in the OP.

Just anything to get your comfortable talking in public to people. Once you're comfortable talking to people, you'll be more than ready to talk to girls without many problems. You'll be talking to girls just because you want to have a conversation. Then, within that conversation, you can start asking for numbers if you feel like they're interesting enough for you.

Good advice man

I can see what you are getting at here. But as someone with severe anxiety, it has always been a good excuse not to bother since it just seems like too much effort for no reward. Of course, that's looking as an "outcome only" worldview, but that's the view I've had practically all my life. You start to also believe things where after every girl you approach and you get a bad response is indicative of how all women are. Leading to the inevitable thoughts of "well, obviously women hate me, everything about me and everything I do/like (interests)".

It eventually becomes frustrating because you always seem to be struggling with the baby steps (saying hi, trying to figure out what to talk about) and everyone else is just whistling along without a care and this stuff comes easy for them and they're already super experienced at it all and that is what you are competing against.

Again, all in the mindset of someone with anxiety/depression. Try to think differently, but it's hard.

I think the fact that you're overanalyzing yourself all the time contributes to you feeling like you can't get out of that rut. Don't get me wrong man...you could've gone through stuff that none of us have gone through to make you feel this way...but the fact is almost none of us thought this was easy at first. Just about everyone posting online about girls has had problems/still has problems with girls (myself included). Maybe it'll help to remember that

 

[soultron]

I wouldn't call it racism - some people just wouldn't be attracted to black people and as an instinct I understand that... but I guess you're right. We shall see.

I hope this helps personal anecdote helps: it's true for other races too. I'm white and I know girls of many races who're attracted moreso to black guys, asian guys, guys with foreign accents, guys with some exotic feature, anything. They've openly admitted that.

But in life, not everyone is going to like or be interested in you physically, and that's just something we all have to deal with. You won't know what someone is/isn't interested in unless you try your luck.

Please don't let your skin colour get you down. I can't relate because I'm not black, and please don't think I'm trying to say I know what it's like -- I don't. Still, don't let that hold you back.

 

[Vermillion]

:/

I suppose you're right. Can't control a lot of things...

 

[kid ness]

If you're using quick match on OKC, how can you message someone or view their profile as opposed to being forced to "rate" them? There's a few girls I've been interested in thru quick match but I see no way to contact them directly.

 

[mcrae]

If you're using quick match on OKC, how can you message someone or view their profile as opposed to being forced to "rate" them? There's a few girls I've been interested in thru quick match but I see no way to contact them directly.

if you rate her, right to the right of where the stars are, it says what you gave the last person and a picture of their main image. just click it

 

[manipulate]

Hey guys. I met this chick at a music festival over the weekend, we hit it off pretty well and I got her number. I texted her on Monday (yesterday) asking if she wanted to catch up this week and she hasn't replied. Should I call her or just forget about it?

 

[Schlep]

I'm sorry if some people were racist and made you think this way about yourself, but remember that a lot people -- especially the ones worth your time -- won't give a shit about you being black, white, yellow, red, or purple.

I laugh every time I see this phrase lol.

 

[hipgnosis]

Hey guys. I met this chick at a music festival over the weekend, we hit it off pretty well and I got her number. I texted her on Monday (yesterday) asking if she wanted to catch up this week and she hasn't replied. Should I call her or just forget about it?

I think that one message is enough and if she doesn't reply I'd say move on.

 

[Minamu]

I laugh every time I see this phrase lol.

What about orange?

 

[soultron]

Hey guys. I met this chick at a music festival over the weekend, we hit it off pretty well and I got her number. I texted her on Monday (yesterday) asking if she wanted to catch up this week and she hasn't replied. Should I call her or just forget about it?

Move on. If she calls/texts, cool. But for now, she either has been too busy to reply or isn't interested.

Were you both drunk/high at the festival? Serious question.

 

[kaskade]

I got some cute girls number in my class. I thought she was seeing this other kid but then I started seeing some signs. Of course I only realize it after the encounter was over. So I saw her when I was walking and she was talking to some guy. So they broke off and she was walking with me and kind of pushed me with her arm. Then she complimented my muscles. I said if I don't ask I'd be the biggest moron. So when we were to part ways I asked. Then said we should do something. She pretty much agreed. I'm thinking bowling or something along those lines. I figure its something fun and gives and excuse to not talk the whole time.

I'm pretty proud of myself. In high school most relationships (at least mine) kind of just developed. I'm thinking ill text her tomorrow and see if shed be free the next day.

 

[lunchtoast]

Here's something.

There's this girl I've been interning with for a few months now. I only see her once a week. Anyways, the first few weeks together we were going to lunch together, finding out how similar our interests are, talking about stuff most of the shift, some light flirting, nothing special. She just moved out here and has a long distance relationship with a guy who's planning on moving out here in August. I'm not worried about the relationship, or am I trying to make a move or anything.

I just want to get to know her better, hang out with her, chill watch movies whatever. Well after the 2nd/3rd week working together I asked if she wanted to hang out that weekend, watch some popular movies she hadn't seen yet. She said sure, gave me her number and we texted back and forth over the weekend. We didn't hang out because she has bad allergies.

Well from then on she starts talking to me less. I text her a couple times throughout the week, and she starts texting me maybe the next day saying stuff like "hey you! didn't see your text, blah blah." After that I stopped texting her, and at work she starts to see distant.

I would ask how here weekend was, or talking to her about movies I saw or things I did. She would reply simply and go back to her work. She wouldn't talk to me unless she had a work related question.

It's been like that since. I asked if she wanted to get some lunch last week and we did, but she asked everyone in the office if they wanted to go. Another guy came, but we still talked and everything was fine.

I just feel like I may have sent her the wrong intentions or I may have creeped her out. I just want to be friends with her, but I feel if I were to bring this up she would say nothing was ever wrong and I'm overthinking things and this makes me look even worse.

Should I take the risk and bring it up? Or just let it be and forget about it. I mean she just moved out here and only has a few friends here, and she's mentioned hanging with people from classes she's been taking. She might just not want to hang out with co-workers, or doesn't want a male friend, or she thinks I was trying to hit on her and didn't care she's in a relationship.

I'm sorry if this message is all over the place.