OK guys this is going to be long,
I'm in my 40's and have struggled with my weight since the age of 11. About four years ago I decided to transform my body. I wasn't just a fat guy looking to drop a couple of pounds I was looking for an entire change to the shape of my body. I'm telling you guys that it CAN be done but it takes effort, more on that in a moment.
First off, women do NOT like overly muscular guys, this is true. There will be a few women who are turned on by huge muscles but the winning combination is lean AND muscular. Women are generally attracted to guys with a V-taper with wide shoulders and a narrow waist. Look up "adonis index" for more info. I believe it's hard-wired in them genetically. They've done studies where women chose the most attractive body type from skinny to overweight. What came out on top? Toned, not brawny, skinny etc. Now with that being said this is not true of all women, it depends on her preference. Some like tall and gangly, some like guys with a little fat on them, etc. Every woman is indeed different in her taste in men. But toned comes out ahead in these studies.
As for how to achieve a lean and muscular look you need to change the way you think. If working out is seen as an inconvenience to your schedule you are already doomed. It has to be something you incorporate into your routine and that takes a change in mind set. It did for me. Four big areas are:
anaerobic: hit the weights but don't lift out of ego using a huge amount of weight and poor technique. Get good lifting technique down. Don't ignore your lower body like a lot of guys do. This will just make you asymmetrical looking. Its the huge upper body look combined with chicken legs. Not attractive.
aerobic: walk, run, cycle, you have to burn calories to get the body fat off. You can't ignore this part of your routine.
diet: Big one, way more important than you think. Limiting the amount of carbs is crucial. Anything with refined sugar is bad. IF you are drinking sugary soda, quit. I treat myself to junk/fast food now and again to "cheat" a little and keep me sane. Basically, lower the carbs and increase the protein content.
mentality: Don't fight with yourself to go to the gym. Just go and do it. After a while its just something you do in your new routine. Need to keep focused and have a goal in mind. You have to be patient, it takes a while (a few months) to really start noticing any gains. A lot of people quit because they are not seeing the results they want right away. It takes hard work, consistency, and patience.